The Working Mums Podcast

Ep #69 - You Are Not the Emotional Caretaker of the World

• Nicky Bevan

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Welcome, welcome, welcome to this week’s episode, where I’m doing things a little differently… and giving you three loving truths to help you let go of what isn’t yours to carry.

Because here’s the thing:
 You are not responsible for everyone else’s emotions.
Not your team’s, not your kids’, not your partner’s.

But if you’re anything like most of the brilliant, big-hearted women I work with, you’re probably firefighting everyone else’s emotional fires—and it’s burning you out.

In this episode, I’ll walk you through:

  • How to spot when you’re trying to fix feelings that aren’t yours
  • What to say and do when you feel responsible for someone else’s reaction
  • A powerful mindset shift that’ll help you stay grounded, calm and connected—without compromising your own needs

Plus, I’ll leave you with a simple mantra you can use in the moment, especially when you feel pulled into other people’s emotional worlds.

This episode isn’t just about feeling better—it’s about taking back your power in the most loving, honest way.

💥 Take the tips. Practice them in real life. That’s where the magic happens.

The book I referenced was called Clear Thinking, The art & science of making better decisions by Shane Parrish.

You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingMumsLifeCoach

If you'd like to have a chat about how I can help you further, please don't hesitate to click here & book a time with me, I'd love to meet you.

You can also follow me on IG @NickyBevan_LifeCoach

Speaker 1:

Welcome, welcome, welcome to this week's podcast episode where I would like to give you three loving truths to help you let go of what isn't yours. Because here's the thing you are not the emotional caretaker of the world. Let me say that again you are not the emotional caretaker of the world. What do I mean by that? Basically, you are not responsible for everybody else's emotions. But here's what you're probably currently doing is running around trying to make sure everybody else is happy, that no one else is upset, that everybody's safe and secure and happy at your own expense. So I'm doing things a little bit differently today. I've got some notes on my phone and so you will see me. If you're looking at on YouTube, you will see me looking down a little bit, because I want to make sure that I really give you a really value packed episode and three tips that I don't just want you to listen to. I want you to have a go at actively practicing these tips, because listening to this podcast is lovely. Hopefully it makes you feel a little bit better but listening to this podcast alone isn't going to change your life or your emotional resilience or your self-confidence or your exhaustion. What's going to make a difference is you actually going out and practicing what I'm about to teach you in real time? And I was just listening to a book called Clear Thinking by oh, I forgot the author's name, I'll put it in the show notes when I remember and he talks a lot about taking a pause. We have thoughts, we have feelings. We take a pause before we choose our actions and it's that pause that we get to learn and that's where the magic happens. So my first tip for you, my very first very loving tip on how to let go of what isn't yours, the emotions that aren't yours, is just to notice where you're running around trying to firefight feelings that aren't yours. It is not your job to put out the emotions in the building or in your family. That is not your job. It doesn't matter what your job title, doesn't matter where you sit in your family. It is not your job to put out everybody else's emotional fires. And if you're constantly trying to keep the peace, and if you're constantly trying to keep the peace, calm people down, make sure nobody gets upset that's probably firefighting. And the problem with that is you end up burnt out and resentful and completely exhausted Because you're trying to control something that isn't actually yours to control, and, yes, that is also your children. It is not your job to change your children's emotions. That's their job. They don't know this yet, but when you're constantly trying to keep them happy and stop them being upset, you're not allowing them to learn the skill of self-soothing.

Speaker 1:

So I just want you to get a little bit curious with this first tip. Who are you trying to keep happy right now? Have you ever actually stopped to think who am I trying to keep happy right now, and whose emotional response are you kind of waiting for, you bracing yourself for? And what is it costing you to take that on? Really think about that for a second.

Speaker 1:

When you're trying to pacify someone, please, somebody, um, calm, you know, trying to make sure no one's upset, what is the cost of you trying to take on that? That was that emotion, even if it's someone else's, rushed someone else's urgency. Their urgency doesn't have to be yours. So what is the cost of you taking that on? Now? This does not mean that you stop caring. It does not mean that you stop caring. What it means is is that you actually start taking responsibility for the things that you can control. So it stops you taking responsibilities that are never truly yours to control, as in somebody else's emotions.

Speaker 1:

So if you're into journaling or if you're into sort of thought review or thought downloads, just have a little journal on what fires am I trying? What emotional fires am I trying to put out today, and are they even mine, Are they even your fires to be putting out? And if they're not, let them learn how to put their own fire out. So that's tip number one. Tip number two that's going to help you with tip number one is swap this thought that you have of.

Speaker 1:

I don't want to hurt them. I want to show up with integrity. You can be kind and clear and still honour what's right for you, and when it's done with kindness, kindness and love sometimes sounds like no and let's be honest, so many of us avoid difficult conversations because we don't want to upset anybody. So we twist ourselves in all these knots trying to protect other people from discomfort at our own expense. Here's the truth. You cannot make someone else feel okay, that is their job. Your job is to show up honestly, with integrity, even when that's uncomfortable, and kindness and love is the way to then go into and have that conversation. If you're trying to please someone, you're going to lie to them. You're not going to want to upset them, so you're going to lie. Or by not saying anything, but, kindness, being kind to somebody, is you showing up honestly and with integrity, even when it's uncomfortable.

Speaker 1:

So ask yourself am I avoiding this because I don't want to feel guilty? That's on you. Feeling guilty is always optional, and when you understand why we feel guilty and I've done other podcasts on this to go and look at it, but guilt keeps us part of a pack. It's a learning opportunity. It doesn't have to be a decision maker, though, and so when you're avoiding a conversation because you don't want to feel guilty, well, you're going to feel uncomfortable not having the income that not having that conversation.

Speaker 1:

So another thing you can ask yourself is am I compromising what I need to protect? What? Let me rephrase that am I compromising what I need to protect? No, hang on a minute. Am I compromising what I need to protect how they might feel I couldn't read my own notes Am I compromising what I need to protect how they might feel? Now, there may be times when you very deliberately choose to compromise, but not at your own expense, because if you're exhausted, you're not going to be able to help them deal with their emotions. If you haven't calmed your nervous system down first, you're not going to be able to calm their nervous system down. It's leading by example and then we have an influence on them and we're all energetic creatures.

Speaker 1:

Whether people can articulate it or not, they will have a sense of how you're feeling and what would you say if you weren't afraid of their reaction? And what would you say if you weren't afraid of their reaction? So try saying this to yourself. It might feel uncomfortable, but it's important to me to be honest, and I've done this. I've had some really uncomfortable conversations and I've said things to people that I know it's going to be quite painful. They're going to have thoughts that are giving them pain to hear, that will create a hurt. I mean, I do this all the time in coaching.

Speaker 1:

When it comes to telling the truth, when you're, when you're about to tell somebody what's really happening, I always create a kindness and a love before I go through with that truth, that honesty, and this was even before I knew about life coaching and managing my mind. I can remember one conversation I had with somebody and I went into it. My hands were shaking. So I thought this is going to be hard for them to hear, but I needed to say it because we could have been so much better, and so going into it, having myself secure and going into that conversation with kindness, was so much more effective. So, yes, it might be uncomfortable, but you're going to be uncomfortable avoiding or trying to make everybody better, so it might just be important for you to be honest.

Speaker 1:

So that's tip number two swap. I don't want to hurt them, for I want to show up with integrity. I want to show up with my core values, especially if they go along the lines of loving, kind, compassionate, inclusive Okay. And tip number three okay. And tip number three check in with yourself first before you try and fix everyone else. This is such a good one check in with yourself first before trying to fix everybody else.

Speaker 1:

Having that pause before you react or for before you, just taking that breath to calm your central nervous system down, is going to make you so much more effective in what you're about to say, because if your nervous system's on fire, you can't help anyone else calm down, and you're so used to tuning into everybody else your kids, your team, your partner, if you have one, and so you're so used to tuning into them that you're forgetting to tune into yourself first. So before you start rushing to solve someone else's stress or smooth things over, just pause and ask how am I feeling right now? What do I need and am I trying to fix this so I can feel better? This is huge, especially when it comes to our staff or our kids. We want our staff members and our children to behave or to be different or not be upset or not be stressed, because then we get to not then we get to feel better. But it's not our kids job or our staff's job to make us feel better.

Speaker 1:

And so when you learn to create safety within yourself, when you learn how to regulate your central nervous system and you learn to take that breath and you anchor into your own emotions first, you show up so much calmer, so much more grounded and way, way, way more effective. Whether you're at work or whether you're at home, you're at home. So let me leave you with a little mantra to practice, and I want you to give yourself permission when you're saying this little mantra, give yourself permission to let it be true in your body, even if it's just temporarily. So I'm hoping this will give you a little bit of calmness, once you've taken that breath and just consider this little phrase for a second. Their feelings are theirs, mine are mine. I'm allowed to take care of me first. And that taking care of you might just look like taking a breath, calming yourself down, holding on to the anchor of your core values minor, loving, honest, bold. Just hold on to that and from there have the conversation or from there act or behave the way you actually want to choose to behave in the given situation that you're in.

Speaker 1:

So let me just run past those three tips again. The first one notice when you're running around firefighting feelings that aren't yours. So notice when you're running around trying to put out everybody else's emotions and we're talking negative ones here mostly, aren't we Swap? I don't want to hurt them. Four I want to show up with integrity, especially if your core values are loving, kind. And then three I think that's the most powerful Check in with yourself first before you try to fix everybody else. You can't fix everybody else and actually no one else is broken. You're not broken either, but you can fix you. First it has to start with you. It has to start with you, because if you're not okay, you're not going to be okay with everybody else's emotions. So it has to start with you.

Speaker 1:

And if you've enjoyed this episode, I would love to invite you to leave me a comment, review the podcast, share it with a friend. I'm really passionate about getting this message out to as many people as possible and I would love your help in achieving that, and I can only really do it with your help. I would love my, the ego part of me would love for me to be able to do this all on my own, and I have realized and I have learned that that is not possible. I need the unseen support of all of you lovely people. So if you've loved this episode, like it, leave me a review, share it with a friend, kindly and lovingly share it with a friend. And if you really want to take this work further and you're like I kind of like Nikki's energy, I like what she's talking about, then let's have a conversation about how I can help you.

Speaker 1:

Because, like I said at the beginning, listening to these podcasts are lovely. It's a passive exercise, it's nice to do, but if you don't take away the tips and the nuggets of information and practice them in your life. Nothing will change, and I would love, love, love to support you through the change, in evolving into who you want to be, instead of living in this, who you think you should be. So, down in the show notes below, you can click on the link to book that conversation with me. It's free, it will be just an hour of your time and even if you choose that coaching with me isn't what you need, that's not a problem. You will still get a huge amount of value out of our conversation together. Have the most incredible week and I'll speak to you all next week. Bye.