Ep #93 - Money Conversations That Actually Help with Abi Porter

This week I’m joined by Abi Porter from Hillis & Porter Financial Planning for a real, stigma-free chat about money that actually helps in everyday life—not just on a spreadsheet. We get into the emotional side of money (safety, shame, guilt and those old family “stories”), why the gender pay gap compounds over time, and what that means for women’s pensions and choices later on. Most importantly, we share simple, doable steps to feel safer and more in control—right now.

In this episode:

• The compounding effect of the gender pay & pension gaps (and why it’s not your fault)
• Money as emotional safety: why “I should know this by now” keeps you stuck
• Small steps that work: open the letter, log into the pension, look at cashflow—kindly
• Conversations that matter: with partners (e.g. pension contributions during mat leave) and employers (flexible work without losing progression)
• How to align money with your values so it funds the life you actually want

About Abi
Abi Porter is a financial planner who helps families, business owners and individuals build lives they love—using money as a tool, not the goal.

Take the next tiny step
If this brought stuff up for you, you’re not alone. Start with one gentle action today, and if you want support, book a clarity call with me. Share this with a friend who needs a kinder money chat.

Here are Abi's links

Website: https://partnership.sjp.co.uk/hillisandporterfp/ 

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/abi-porterhandpfp94?utm_source=share_via&utm_content=profile&utm_medium=member_ios 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/abi_the.financial.planner?igsh=MWdjd2R2aGs5NnlyMg%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingWomensLifeCoach

If you'd like to have a chat about how I can help you further, please don't hesitate to click here & book a time with me, I'd love to meet you.

You can also follow me on IG @NickyBevan_LifeCoach

Transcript

Welcome, welcome, welcome everybody to this week's podcast, and I am joined by Abby Porter from Hillis and Porter Financial Planning. I'm gonna let Abby introduce herself in just a second, but this is really funny, because just as we got on this call, I was talking to a new client. And I was getting them all scheduled in for their.

Sessions. And then I came straight into Abbey, and I'm like, Abby, I really need a wee. Can you just hold there a minute while I pop for a wee? So I don't really quite feel prepared and calm and grounded.

Because my head's all up in there, so I'm not really sure where our conversation's gonna go, but as most of you know that follow me, I don't come into these conversations with a plan. I really believe that the conversation goes exactly where the conversation needs to go, wherever that is, and what we talk about will be exactly what you need to hear as a listener, so… Abby. Do you want to start by telling me?

Who you are and where you come from. Yeah, hi Nikki, thank you so much for having me on. Obviously known you for quite a long time, but it's really nice to be here, and to have a conversation about this today.

So yeah, I'm Abbey from Illis & Porter Financial Planning, and I now own most of our family business that we've been running for just over 25 years now. My stepfather started the business, yeah, 25 years ago, and we just love… we love working with families, business owners, individuals, and really, what's always been at the core is just…

Helping clients live the life that they want with what they've got. Which is really, you know, we can get into that, but it's about understanding what's important to them, what their values are, what their goals are, and where money fits into all of that. And then seeing if they've got enough to do all of the things that they want to do, and if not, what we can do about that.

So it's, yeah, it's been a really interesting journey for me personally, coming into the business, because I never thought that I would work in financial planning. It was never something that I set out to do. I was very much like, I'm going to go and do my own thing, thank you very much. But as time went on, I realized actually that the work that we do is so meaningful, and it's so in alignment with my values, and the things that are important to me, that it just made sense.

I think it's really interesting the way that we met each other. We met through Instagram, and just kind of connected that way, didn't we. And then we had a conversation, and that led to another conversation, and then, you know, we've done a few things together now, which has been really lovely. And I think what I really like about the way that you talk about money, and the way that you talk about financial planning, is that it isn't just about numbers on a spreadsheet. It's very much about the emotional side of money, and how we feel about money.

Because that's such a big thing. And I know this is something that you talk about a lot, like the stories we tell ourselves about money, and the things that we learned growing up.

Yeah, absolutely. And I think this is one of the things that we talked about at the International Women's Day event that we did together, and one of the reasons why I really wanted you to come on and talk on my podcast. We did this International Women's Day event at the beginning of the year. Well, I hosted it, and you were one of the speakers.

And the content of that presentation… We're not going to do the whole presentation today, because we would be here for a very long time, but the information and the research that you had done and some of the statistics that you said about in that conversation, or in that presentation, I just thought was so fascinating, especially around women.

And the gender pay gap. So what do you feel is, like, the most important thing that we need to know about that? Because there was so much in that presentation, but if we could just kind of pull out a few key things.

Yeah, I think what really struck me when I was researching for that talk was just how much the gender pay gap compounds over time. So it's not just that women on average are paid less than men for the same roles, which in itself is obviously an issue. It's that over the course of a lifetime, that gap gets bigger and bigger, because if you start from a lower base, your pay rises are lower, your bonuses are lower, your pension contributions are lower, everything is based off that lower starting point.

And then you add in career breaks, you add in going part-time, you add in maybe, you know, having to step back from roles because of caring responsibilities, whether that's for children or for other family members, and you start to see this really big disparity. And I think one of the stats that I shared was about the gender pension gap, which is actually bigger than the gender pay gap.

So women end up with significantly less in their pensions than men, and that has huge implications for how secure they feel in later life, what options they have, whether they can retire when they want to, all of those things. And it's not because women are worse with money, or because they don't care about money. It's because the system isn't really designed with women's lives in mind.

Yeah, and I think that was one of the things that really hit me in that talk. Just that idea that even if you feel like you're doing "all the right things" with your money, if you're starting from a lower point, and then you have these interruptions, it's like you're constantly trying to catch up.

Exactly. And it's not about blaming anyone. It's not about saying, oh, well, you made these choices, and therefore you have to deal with the consequences. It's about recognizing that we live in a society where those choices are heavily influenced by gender norms, and expectations, and the way that work is structured. And then saying, okay, given that that's the reality, what can we do?

So that might be, for example, if you are in a heterosexual relationship and you're the one who's taking maternity leave, can you have a conversation about the fact that actually, your partner might want to contribute to your pension during that time? Because you're the one who's stepping out of the workplace, but the decision to have children is a joint decision.

And it might be about looking at, if you go part-time, is there a way of making sure that your pension contributions don't drop quite as much? Or if they do, that you increase them again later on when you can. It's also about employers thinking differently about how they structure roles, so that people can work flexibly, so that people can come back after breaks and still progress.

And I think this is where your work and my work overlap, because so much of this is about communication, isn't it? It's about actually being able to sit down, whether that's with a partner, or with an employer, or with yourself, and say, what is it that I need? What is it that I want? What do I value?

Yeah, definitely. And also, I think for me, it's about safety. Like, I work with a lot of people who have this really deep-rooted sense of not feeling safe, either in their relationships, or in their work, or just generally in life. And money is such a big part of that safety.

If you don't feel like you have control over your finances, or you don't feel like you have enough, or you don't feel like you understand what's going on with your money, that can really impact how safe you feel. And I know we've talked before about the fact that, for a lot of women, money has been a source of shame, or fear, or anxiety.

Yeah, completely. And again, that's not because women are inherently bad with money, or anything like that. It's because of the messages that we've had. So if you think about, you know, what did you hear about money growing up? Did you hear that money was something to be worried about? Did you hear that there was never enough? Did you hear that talking about money was rude?

Or maybe you heard that you shouldn't really worry about it, because someone else would sort it out. And all of those messages sink in. They become part of your story about money. And unless you actively question them, and look at them, and say, okay, is this actually true for me now? They can really hold you back.

And it's interesting, isn't it, because even if you then have quite a lot of money, those stories can still be there. So you might have a very successful career, you might earn quite a lot, but you still feel like there's never enough. Or you still feel like it's all going to disappear tomorrow. Or you feel guilty about spending, or you feel guilty about having more than other people.

Yeah, I see that a lot in my work as well. People who, from the outside, look like they're doing really well, but inside they are terrified. And they don't feel safe to talk about it, because they feel like they should know what they're doing. They feel like, well, I earn this much, I should have it all figured out.

And that "should" word comes up a lot, doesn't it? I should be further ahead. I should have more saved. I should understand my pension. I should not have debt. And all of that creates this shame spiral.

Exactly. And shame is such a powerful emotion. It tends to shut us down. When we feel shame, we don't want to talk about it. We don't want to ask for help. We don't want to look at the bank statements, or log into the online account, or open the letters. And then, of course, things get worse, because we're not engaging with it.

So one of the things that I really encourage people to do, and I know you do as well, is just to start really gently. Like, you don't have to have a massive plan. You don't have to know everything. But can you just start by looking at what's coming in and what's going out? Can you start by noticing how you feel when you spend money, or when you save money?

And can you bring some compassion to that? Because it's very easy to go into, oh, I'm so stupid, why did I do that? Or, I always do this. But actually, if you can say, okay, I understand why I did that, that was my way of coping, or that was my way of trying to feel better, then you can start to shift it.

Yeah, I love that. And I think, as well, like you say, it's about small steps. It might just be, today, I'm going to open that letter. Or today, I'm going to log into my pension and just see what's there, even if I don't understand it. And then maybe the next step is, I'm going to book a call with someone like you, and actually talk it through with somebody who can support me.

Yeah, absolutely. And I always say to people, you don't have to have everything sorted to talk to a financial planner. You don't have to have loads of money. You don't have to be at a certain stage. It's about, where are you now, and where do you want to get to, and how can we help you bridge that gap?

And that might be very practical. It might be, okay, let's look at your cash flow. Let's look at your savings. Let's look at your pensions. But it might also be, let's talk about what money means to you. Let's talk about what you're afraid of. Let's talk about what you want your life to look like.

Because ultimately, the numbers are just a means to an end. The end is the life that you want to live.

Yeah. And I think that's a really beautiful place to end, actually. Just that idea that money is a tool. It's a resource. It's not the goal in itself. The goal is to feel safe, to feel fulfilled, to feel like you're living a life that feels like yours, rather than something that you've just fallen into.

Exactly. And if anyone listening is feeling like, "Oh, this is bringing up a lot for me," just know that you're not alone. So many people feel this way. It's just that we don't talk about it. And the more that we can have these conversations, like this, the less shame there is, and the more empowered people can feel.

Thank you so much for coming on and sharing all of that, and for the work that you do. I know it's going to be so helpful for people listening.

Thank you for having me. It's been really lovely to talk about it.