Ep #100 - The 100th Episode: The One Thing That Changes Everything

In my 100th episode, I’m stripping it right back to the one thing that changes everything: you have a choice. 

Not over the weather, your boss or the partners or kids’ mood… but over what you believe and how you feel. Your thoughts aren’t facts, and once you see that, you get your power back. 

I'll separate fact from story, name that noisy primal brain, and choose responses that are deliberate and appropriate—not performative “positivity”. 

In this episode

• The 1a / 1b of choice: choose what to believe, and choose how to feel—on purpose. 
• Thoughts are not facts (court-of-law test) and why your brain’s first go to is usually nonsense. 
• Why “stop thinking negatively” is the wrong goal—and what to do instead. 
• Guilt, shame, anxiety: understanding these emotions are harmless (even when they feel awful). 
• Practical time example: choosing presence over perfection, help over heroics. 

Try this week

When your brain offers a dramatic sentence, pause and ask: “Is this a fact—or a story?” If it’s a story, decide what you want to believe instead, or choose an emotion that’s appropriate (not necessarily “positive”). Then act from there. 

If this landed, please rate and review—it helps other working women find these tools. And if you’re ready to learn the skill of choice and emotional resilience, let’s talk. It will change how you experience your life (and help you get more done with less drama).

You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingWomensLifeCoach

If you'd like to have a chat about how I can help you further, please don't hesitate to click here & book a time with me, I'd love to meet you.

You can also follow me on IG @NickyBevan_LifeCoach

Transcript

Hello, hello, hello.

Welcome, welcome, welcome! To today's episode, and it is my hundredth episode. I'm really celebrating one… 100 episodes.

And when I was thinking about what do I want to do for my 100th episode, it feels like a real milestone, it feels like a real achievement to have got here. And I really wanted to create an episode that I thought would be so valuable. And I've been thinking, like, what are the 5 things I want people to know? What are the three things I want people to know? And actually, I just came down to the fact that…

The only thing I really want people to understand and fully own in their life is just one really simple thing.

You have a choice.

That… it… for me, it boils down to that one very simple sentence. I have a choice.

And then I was thinking, okay, this is… this is, like, THE thing I just wish everybody knew. And then I was thinking about breaking… I'm like, okay, so what does that mean? If I have a choice, what does that actually mean?

And for me, it's two things. So it's, like, 1A and 1B. And that's… that.

That voice in your head… which we all have. You are not unique when you have a voice, or a sense, or… you know, a story going on in your head. That voice… does not speak the truth. It is not an accurate predictor of reality, of the future, and even of the past.

So our thoughts are not facts.

And when you start to become aware of your thinking, when you start to become aware of your thoughts, then you get to choose… whether you continue to believe them or not.

So that's choice number one. But you need to first become aware of what you're hearing in your head, and the difference between a fact versus a story. And a fact is something that we can take into a court of law, and every single person in the world would agree with it. Yes, the sky is blue. Yes, it's raining. Yes, you're a human. They are facts.

Whether it's miserable out, whether I can't do it, whether I'm not good enough — thoughts, stories. Especially when it relates to the future, and it relates to the past. Now, we can't stop that brain giving us that feedback, that opinion, that story. Our job is not to stop that. Our job is to choose to stop engaging in the negative bullshit that it gives you.

And it's negative by design. Primitive part of our brain is only looking for danger. So that's why it instantly goes to negative. Again, that has nothing to do with you as an individual. Every single one of my clients, and my brain included, come to me saying, my brain overthinks, and it always goes to negative. It gives me the worst case scenario. Like, yes, because you're human.

So, our job is not to stop that negative dialogue. Our job is to stop believing it, and if it's appropriate, choose to think something different.

So when you name your primal brain, and you have that detachment, it means, then, that you get to be very conscious and very deliberate about your life. And that doesn't always mean positive, by the way. I do not buy into trying to always create positivity. I think sometimes, in some situations, it's absolute bullshit.

Which brings me on to number 2. Or 1B, because it's all about choice.

So you get to choose what you think about a situation, and you get to choose how you feel about it.

Now, when you understand that your emotions are harmless — and I'm talking even the really shit emotions, right? Anxiety. Guilt. Embarrassment. Shame, which is a, ooh, that's a really sticky, horrible emotion, isn't it? But… they are actually harmless. And you kind of know this, because you felt them many, many times in your life, and you're not dead.

So, that indicates, so that that emotion that you are trying to avoid so desperately — guilt is such a common one, right? So we say yes to shit we don't want to do, because we don't want to feel guilty. But guilt is harmless.

Just like our positive emotions are harmless, our negative emotions are harmless. And you can choose if it's appropriate to feel something different.

And what I mean by appropriate is, there are some situations that we don't, or as a loving, caring human on this planet, I don't want to feel good about. Child abuse, rape, murder, war, death. Like, I don't want to feel… good about those things. That's a choice that I make. So I choose not to feel positive. I choose to be horrified. I choose to be angry. I choose grief.

And when you choose those emotions deliberately, because that's appropriate to you as a loving human, and the values that you have about humanity — now you're in control.

So, I really don't feel like our job is to feel positive all the time. Our job, however, is to be deliberate. It is to choose very deliberately, what emotion do I need to feel now in order to get my shit done, in order to be calm and present with my kids, in order to… you know, be a beautiful human on this planet.

So it all comes down to choice.

And the choice necessarily isn't positive. But it is… deliberate. It is appropriate. An appropriate choice.

So here's an example with regards to… um, managing our time, because you know, we're working women, um, we're in high positions, we're trying to juggle everything, and it feels like we're gonna drop a plate, and it's gonna smash. Or it's gonna drop a ball.

Now, your choice… may not be… currently, you're trying… you're choosing to do everything. You're choosing to look after your team, look after your business, look after your family. You are choosing not to say no, you are choosing not to receive help. You are choosing perfection, as in, my house has to be perfect, clean, tidy, the kids have to be fed healthy. You are choosing perfect over presence.

Well, if you're continuing to choose that, I promise you, your life is going to be a struggle, because it's impossible.

And I really believe you can have it all.

When you choose to let yourself receive help. When you choose to let your partner look after the kids in their way, instead of yours. When you choose to allow yourself not to be perfect. When you choose to take control of you and your emotions, instead of trying to make everybody else happy. When you choose to have the courage to say no, and choose to experience guilt, because guilt keeps you on your moral compass. Guilt keeps you a beautiful human. But it doesn't have to be the decision maker.

So, if you're choosing help, if you want to learn how to say no, the required emotion is courage. You have to have courage. You have to have the courage to be able to go against what you've done up until this point in your life. And yes, some people won't like it. So, again, you have to have courage, you have to choose courage, in order to change that.

That's a choice, and courage isn't necessarily a gooey, nice, soft, lovely emotion. It's an edgy emotion. It's a strong emotion. It's an emotion that moves you towards the person you want to be instead of the person that you've always been.

So courage is a very deliberate emotion. And it's not really positive. But it gets your shit done. It enables you to focus on the task in hand. It enables you to say no when someone's asking you to do something that you don't want to do, or that's going to take away your focus.

Courage is a choice.

And knowing that I have a choice over every single situation that is put in front of me is what makes me feel so grounded and so in control of my life. I do not then sit here thinking that my life is going to be easy, because it fucking isn't.

Especially right now, my husband and I are going through it. Like, our fin… well, our cash flow, because we're now both self-employed, we haven't learnt the cash flow skills yet. We haven't learned the effective business skills yet. We will, but we're not there yet. So we're living with a lot of fear.

And that's okay. I don't want to feel positive, and rainbows and daisies about the fact that I don't know how I'm gonna pay marches… mortgage. But fuck me, I do feel determined.

And when I create determination, that gets me looking at other opportunities where I can bring in income. Determination isn't necessarily a positive emotion, but it gets you moving. It gets you moving.

And knowing I have a choice, I get to decide how I'm going to experience this situation.

Sometimes might look like rocking in the corner, bawling my eyes out with snot bubbles. That might be appropriate.

Fortunately, we've both got both sets of parents in our life. But at some point, I hope, because this is the natural course of things, that I'm gonna go to their funeral. Hopefully many years away, but that is something that I actually want to experience in my life, because I do not want them coming to mine.

And I know that when that time comes, it will be appropriate to grieve. It will be appropriate to feel sad. It will be appropriate to let myself feel those emotions.

That's a choice.

I had a situation once where I was experiencing… this was early days of managing my mind, right? Um, and I had a situation where my husband was really good friends with a female colleague at work. Really good. They would chat to each other on the phone, um, he was talking about her a load, and I could see how her and I could also be friends, and we are friends now.

And I knew this had nothing to do with my husband, and his colleague, this had everything to do with my thoughts, and I was working on it, and I got to a place where I was… I didn't feel jealous about their relationship, sorry, because I did my own emotional work.

And then, a couple of months later, my husbands start to get a little bit distant, he was a little bit withdrawn, and that's not like him, because he's very chatty, but he wasn't talking, and I was like, Johnny, do you want to talk to me? And he was like, no, I can't talk about it, I don't want to talk about it. I was like, oh, this is odd.

And then one night, he said to me, Nikki, I need to tell you something. I need you to sit down. And he was shaking. He was… he had to hold on to the worktop where he was so, uh, like, visibly upset about what he was about to tell me.

And he said, I need you to sit down. So I'm like, okay, so I sat down, and in my head, this is what happened. I was like, right, Nikki. He's gonna tell you he's been having an affair. Like, this is that point where he's gonna tell you, actually, he's had an affair.

Then I thought to myself, okay? You have a choice. It does not matter the words that are about to come out of his mouth. You get to control you and how you choose to respond.

And I have never felt so powerful in my whole life. I sat up straight, my shoulders went back, and I fucking had my back in that moment, because I knew, regardless of what was about to come out of his mouth, I had a choice.

And… of all the ups and downs that I've had in my life, I am so beyond grateful that I know this now.

What actually then came out of his mouth, I chose to have found very funny, much to his shock. He literally thought what he was about to tell me was gonna… he hadn't had an affair… what he was about to tell me was he was gonna be, you know, not putting his kids to bed ever again. Um, and it was something that had happened, like, 20 years ago, and I chose to find it… I chose to find it funny.

I'll let him share the story, because it's not… it's not my story to share, although I bet you're really intrigued now, aren't you?

But regardless, I knew, because of the mind management skills and the emotional resilience skills that I now have, because I have learned them with my coaches and through my own coaching, that is what's given me a really solid, grounded base on which life can then go to shit around me.

And I've got myself.

Because I know I have a choice.

So this is my wisdom for my hundredth episode for you.

And if you're new to this, and you're not really familiar yet with your mind? You probably don't know you have a choice. And that's a really shit place to be. Really shit place to be.

Which is why I really feel like everybody needs a coach, even if it's not me. I'm not ev- I'm… I am a fucking good coach for the right person, but I'm not the coach for everybody, which is why going and talking to somebody, finding who you resonate with, on an energetic level — and you may not be able to articulate it, you will just get it. You will just be like, no, that's who I want to talk to.

Having someone who can very lovingly call out your bullshit so that you learn you have a choice is priceless. Is priceless.

And then people go to me, oh yeah, but it's really selfish if I spend money on myself. No, it fucking isn't. It's actually more selfish staying in the resentful, frustrated, snappy version of you that you currently are. I'm not judging you, I'm not judging you. But that's selfish.

When you are the best version of yourself, that's what makes you the best mum, colleague, friend, sister, daughter, wife, whatever.

That's not selfish. It's not. Investing in you is the most selfless thing you can actually do for the people that you love.

Just consider that for a second.

How amazing would you be if you learnt the power of choice? If you learn emotional resilience, you'd be so much calmer, you'd be so much more present in everything you do. And then when you're present, you're so much more effective, you get so much more shit done without any extra drama on top.

This would be my gift to you.

So if this resonates with you, please get in touch with me. Let's have a conversation! And I promise you, if you're willing to invest in learning these skills, your life will fundamentally be different because of it. How you choose to experience your life will be different because of it.

And it's a very powerful gift to give your team, your family, the people you love. As well as for you.

If you have liked this episode, I would be so, so, so beyond grateful if you left me a review, if you rated it, whether you listen on Spotify, Apple, whatever platform you're listening to me on. Please go and leave me a review, rate this podcast, because that's what gets it in front of more working women, and I am so desperate to get this message to them.

To help them, to support them, even if they never come and talk to me. The value and the lessons that you can take away and practice will change your life. And listen, you do have to practice them. Listening to this is nice, it's lovely. But actually, what's going to make a difference is if you just take one thing away from today and go and practice it.

Even if that's going, okay, if I had a choice in this situation, what would I actually choose? And then practice that, and sometimes it's not positive. And that's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Have the most incredible week.

Happy 100th birthday to the working woman's podcast with Nicky Bevan. I cannot wait to give you the next 100.

Have an awesome week. Bye-bye!