Ep #102 - Debitch Your Brain: Turning Down Bitch FM with Jess Nicks

Ever feel like your brain has its own radio station… and it’s stuck on a constant loop of judgement, doubt and “you’re not doing it right”?

This week I’m joined by Jess Nicks — creator of Debitch Your Brain, NLP trainer, EFT tapping practitioner, late-diagnosed ADHD woman, and all-round queen of bringing humour to the serious stuff — to talk about how to turn down Bitch FM and stop letting your inner critic run your life.

We get into:

• What “debitching” actually means (and why there’s a whole cast of inner critics)
• The sneaky, subtle self-sabotage that sounds sensible… but keeps you stuck 
• Jess’s Three R’s of change: Recognise, Release, Reprogramme
• Why your nervous system needs more than “positive thinking” (hello, somatics)
• EFT tapping for anxiety, overthinking, insomnia… and yes, we even do the “buff your boobs” point 🙃
• A brilliant reframe: stop plugging into how you feel now — plug into how you want to feel after

If you’re a busy woman who’s doing all the things but still feels like you’re falling short, this one will land.

Link to Jess's website here https://jessnicks.com/ 

You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingWomensLifeCoach

If you'd like to have a chat about how I can help you further, please don't hesitate to click here & book a time with me, I'd love to meet you.

You can also follow me on IG @NickyBevan_LifeCoach

Transcript

Welcome, welcome, welcome, everybody, to this week's podcast.
 
 And I'm really excited about today's conversation, because I've got Jess Nix joining me. I'm going to let Jess, as…
 
 For those of you that listen often, you know I like to let my guests introduce themselves, because I think they do such a beautiful job of explaining.
 
 better than I do. But Jess and I have got a lot of stuff in common. Um, we've already agreed that life is perfectly imperfect, and we're not trying to do things
 
 Perfectly all the time.
 
 Jess has got a cough, so if you hear her coughing,
 
 Give her the grace to allow that life and humanness to come in.
 
 To today's conversation.
 
 But, Jess, do you want to start by telling us
 
 a little bit about you, and then we'll see where the conversation takes us.
 
 I will! Thank you, Nikki. Good morning, afternoon, everyone.
 
 So, yeah, my name's Jess. I am the creator of something called Debitch Your Brain, which we will get into shortly. Uh, I am a certified coach, an NLP trainer, which is a new string to my bow. I was certified as a trainer in December last year after an 8-year love affair with that acronym, love acronyms, collect loads of them.
 
 EFT, ADHD, could probably make a wrap-up about all of them. I am late diagnosed ADHD, and I tend to work with a lot of women who also fit into that bracket.
 
 And I'm also a performer. Which is a new part of my identity, which I acquired last year at the tender age of 45, suddenly taking to the stage.
 
 And so this year, I've got a one-woman show at Brighton Fringe called Bitch on the Mic. So there's a lot of… there's a theme going on here, but let me make it clear, Nikki, I'm not the.
 
 Yes. Yeah.
 
 It's my inner critic that. That's the problem. So, a really quick summary of debitching before we, um, start talking. So the wordy bitch is a verb. It means to raise awareness of and transform your relationship with your internal dialogue, how you speak to yourself, your inner critic. The bad news is, Nikki, that there's a whole cast of There's one for every theme, every emotion in life, and she kind of gets in the way of you living the life that you truly want because of that word should.
 
 And through this work, you can feel much more empowered, connected to yourself, and completely transform everything.
 
 Love it.
 
 in your life. Um… Are we ready to now talk, I think, maybe?
 
 Well, there's already a load of things that you said in that little sphere that I want to
 
 like, pick. But when I was looking at your website, I just loved the fact that you call it de-bitching yourself, because
 
 I… don't…
 
 I wouldn't dream, and most of my clients would not dream, of talking to someone else
 
 the way that we are… allow ourselves to talk to us.
 
 Like, you're pathetic, you're useless, see, you can't do anything, Nikki. And it's really fascinating, isn't it? How…
 
 When you start to look at that with… with people,
 
 They're like, oh, well, I don't know how to talk to myself kindly. I'm like,
 
 Of course you do! Like, how would you talk to a child? How would you talk to a puppy?
 
 We can learn how to do that.
 
 Yep.
 
 with ourselves, and yet most people don't even consider
 
 Consider it.
 
 Yeah. It's because it's such a deeply woven.
 
 Hmm. Hmm.
 
 unconscious pattern. Yeah, I joke with my clients that when we're listening to our thoughts and believing them, we're tuned in to Bitch FM.
 
 And because we've learned to listen to that internal dialogue from about age 8, it has become just like the normal ticker tape that runs through our mind all day, every day. So we don't stop to question it, or challenge it, or be curious with it. We just.
 
 Believe it! And I think it can be… The easiest part of understanding your internal dialogue is listening out for that, oh, you're pathetic, you're such a loser, don't even bother trying to get up on stage and do that thing.
 
 But it's the more innocuous stuff, it's the more subtle stuff that's the problem, it's the.
 
 Oh, I'm not going to do that now, I'll wait until then. Oh, I don't think it's the right time. All of that is actually.
 
 Yeah.
 
 it's sabotage, disguised in a not-evil sounding voice, but it's all… it's all of it that just gets in the way, and so the practice of just being curious, taking a breath and being like, hang on a minute, what's my brain telling me this time? Which bitch is it that's hijacked my brain?
 
 Yes.
 
 And yeah, and bringing humor to the table is… what I love, because.
 
 We all know this work can get a bit serious.
 
 Yeah. Yeah, and what I love to do, and it's exact… so I call my in a bitch.
 
 Sue, I say it's my primal brain.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Um, but it's… yeah, I call her Sue, and every now and again,
 
 Like, I notice this as I'm driving along in the car. I drive along in the car and I'll see someone, and my go-to thought is, oh my god, like, what is she wearing?
 
 I'm not… I catch myself, and I'm like,
 
 hang on a minute, that's not who Nikki wants to be!
 
 Yeah.
 
 Yeah.
 
 But that… that go-to response, and I'll be like, ooh, Susan's getting a bit judgy over there, isn't she? Look at her, like, having a right tantrum on a right strop, and… and I think it's a skill. It's a skill to start
 
 First of all, becoming aware
 
 of our thoughts, and this is when I think everyone needs a life coach, or… or…
 
 some form of loving, no bullshit.
 
 person that's gonna be truthful with us.
 
 And to recognize the difference between
 
 Yeah.
 
 what is a thought, and then just become a belief.
 
 you know, versus what is actually reality, because until you're aware of those,
 
 You can't actually do anything to change it.
 
 Oh, and also, don't get me started on the question, what is reality?
 
 Okay.
 
 It's no reality. The.
 
 Let's go there a minute! Okay, tell me more.
 
 I freaking love pondering this, right? What is reality? Because the thing is, you experience the world differently from me, and differently from every single one of your listeners, different from every single person.
 
 Yes.
 
 And that's because what we perceive with all of our senses, not just the five that we learn in school, but how we perceive everything that is coming in.
 
 Yeah.
 
 completely different, and that's filtered by our brain. We generalize, we delete, we distort information.
 
 Which is why people will go to the cinema, see a film, and come out with different interpretations of it.
 
 Hmm.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Yeah.
 
 But it's that, um, yeah, that… nobody can ever have the same map for reality, because it's all different, and so what is reality? What is real? Nothing is real. It's all perception, everything, every single thing. All those stories you tell yourself, nothing's true, nothing is real.
 
 Which is a bit scary, but also quite liberating at the same time.
 
 Well, I know, right? And I think this is…
 
 This can be the challenge for somebody. If they're not ready to question their beliefs, it can be a really scary place, because
 
 Even if what somebody is experiencing would be perceived as negative,
 
 To then be told you have an option,
 
 I think, like, that… even… even the uncomfortable is familiar for some people, you know,
 
 indulging in overwhelm, worry, anxiety, um…
 
 Hmm.
 
 like, the brain literally thinks we're not dead, therefore that emotion must be safe.
 
 To actually be willing to consider
 
 An alternative is a scary…
 
 That's unknown for the brain, and the part of our brain does not like unknowns. So, for me, I think
 
 Yeah.
 
 They're… they're not being necessarily
 
 a reality is the most freeing thing, because it means then I have a choice.
 
 Whereas if there is an actual…
 
 Yeah.
 
 doof, this is how it has to be done, and this is how we have to see it, then I have no choice, and… and that feels shit.
 
 So, for me, when I have a choice, that is what makes me so free.
 
 Yeah.
 
 to then choose.
 
 Yeah. Exactly. My favourite coaching question is, what are you making it mean?
 
 Yes.
 
 So when we get really, like, hyper-fixed on, no, this is the version of reality, that person is an they're trying to screw me over! It's like, no, no, let's take a breath.
 
 And just be curious, what else could this thing mean?
 
 Yeah.
 
 Not 100% that. You know, it is, 100%? Okay, well, maybe not 100%, okay. Well, where there's doubt, there's no doubt, so let's get curious.
 
 Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. And another… one of my other favorite questions that I like to ask, and I practice asking this on myself as well, is if…
 
 So you have a negative thought in your head, I can't do it. I'm not clever enough, or I'm too clever for some people.
 
 Okay, if that wasn't true,
 
 what would I do differently?
 
 Like, ooh, if that wasn't true, well, I would go in…
 
 ask my friend, or I would go and
 
 look at YouTube or chat GPT, or, you know, we always figure something out, wouldn't you? I would… I would have that conversation with that person, I would…
 
 Yeah.
 
 With compassion, tell that person that, like, it's really fascinating when you look at if that wasn't true, what would I do differently? And then you go out practicing the difference, and I think that's how we kind of shift
 
 our identities.
 
 I love it.
 
 Absolutely. Having a little bit of reverie there of, like, how I've done things differently over the years, and, uh, like, with building my business.
 
 I've had to go from the reality of, like, oh, I don't know if I can do this, I don't know if I'm owning the entrepreneur identity.
 
 I don't… I've chosen to not operate from that reality, and operate from the reality of the future, Jess, that's already created this.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Yeah…
 
 And that makes it easier to do things that are really uncomfortable when I'm just like, oh, it's me in 6 months, or me in 5 years, and I'm nailing.
 
 Yeah. Yeah. It is… it is lovely. It is… it's an amazing way to open up your perception, isn't it?
 
 I think when you… when you look at your future self and who you want to be,
 
 rather than who you just unconsciously been conditioned to be until this point.
 
 In your life.
 
 Yes, but one of the things that I. like, get a bit preachy with clients.
 
 This is not about becoming a better version of you, or becoming like some aspired you on a pedestal. This is about.
 
 Yes.
 
 Deprogramming, removing all of the layers. And getting back to your magnificent essence, because we are all magnificent humans, underneath Bitchfm, underneath all of the noise.
 
 And the whole coaching journey in all of this world of self-development is just about reconnecting with Source or with.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Yeah.
 
 truth with your authentic magic. That's what I like to think is happening. We're just going deep.
 
 Yes.
 
 connecting.
 
 It's just coming back home, isn't it? But you're not… you're not familiar with what that home is because of the conditioning that's moved you, or protected you and built up
 
 over the time, we're just going back to find her. I love it.
 
 Yeah.
 
 So, do you want to kind of take us back to the beginning, then, Jess? And, um…
 
 So you said the NLP was, like, your newest certification.
 
 tell us how you got into… where you came from, and how you got into… so, with EF…
 
 T, your… so tapping.
 
 Okay.
 
 NLP was my first and last certification. I'm now certified as a trainer, so if you want to learn NLP.
 
 Nice. Yeah.
 
 come along, I will… and it will really resonate with you, because I know about the coaching models that you use.
 
 Yeah.
 
 But yeah, NLP was the beginning and the end. It's that wonderful full circle moment, actually, this year.
 
 Mm-hmm.
 
 So I… I found NLP back in 2016, so… I think what's really interesting for me to consider is the comparison of this woman that sits before you today, who's got this show coming up in Brighton Fringe, and then another massive stage thing happening later on in the year.
 
 10 years ago, or back in 2016. I had zero… confidence, like, I was believing all of my unhelpful thoughts about I was rubbish, and everyone else was better than me, and in my… I ended up having a breakdown in 2013, because everything had just gotten too much, and I felt like I didn't belong anywhere, and it was… it was really intolerable. I thought I should have gone to hospital, I was that unwell.
 
 Um, but that never happened. I started doing lots of meditation. I didn't take the meds that the doctor gave me at first. It took me a few years to finally try antidepressants.
 
 But then eventually, in 2016, I went to have some hypnotherapy, because I'd been experiencing really chronic insomnia for about a decade that had, like, fed into the, to the nervous breakdown.
 
 And so I was like, right, okay, like, this has to work, there's nothing else really left to do, I'm gonna go and have this hypnotherapy.
 
 And the inner session, the hypnotherapist asked me this question that changed my life forever, and it's such a simple question.
 
 And it is this. What color and shape is your anxiety?
 
 And my brain just went… Well, an emotion is a color and a shape. What? At the time, I didn't know I was neurodivergent. And it felt like she'd, like, reached into my soul and turned a button on. I was like, oh my god! It's like this spiky thing up here that's like…
 
 pushing me down, and… and I said to her, what is this? Colours, shapes. She said, oh, it's NLP, neurolinguistic programming. So I left my hypnotherapist's office and went and started Googling it, and found out about this NLP thing, and at the time, this was, like.
 
 pre-COVID in 2016, where events happened in real life, and there were, like, free events that you could go to to experience the magic.
 
 And I did, I jumped in and then found myself on an NLP practitioner program in 2017.
 
 Now, I remember, like, wanting to sign up for this program, having no confidence about.
 
 like, my trajectory in life, like, my worth, and I remember sitting next to this woman who was already, um, certified.
 
 I was saying, oh god, I don't know if I can sign up, it's three grand, I haven't got the money. And she said to me.
 
 But you'll make the money back when you have clients.
 
 And it was… she was just said it so normally, and I was like.
 
 What? No way! And I think, back to that version of me, and I'm like.
 
 Hey, Jess from 2017, I'm an NLP trainer! I train people in this stuff. What? It's wild!
 
 Yeah…
 
 And yeah, and so NLP, for anybody that doesn't know what this magical acronym is, neuro-linguistic programming is.
 
 The study of the structure of subjective experience, which is a bit of a mouthful, but what that really means is.
 
 we know that what we were talking about, your reality, my reality, there is no reality.
 
 It's… it's delving into that. What is our reality? How do we build our reality with our submodalities, which are the building blocks of your imagination?
 
 So, Nikki, if you picture somebody you love, where do you see them? Do you even see them at all? Are they big? Are they small? Color, black and white? Is there a sound? Do you feel it somewhere, like in your body? Is there a sense of warmth? All of that is NLP.
 
 And it's also about looking at a result that someone else has, or a result that you would like in your life that you don't have, and understanding how you create that. And I know that some of the work that you do, the coaching model that you use, is about understanding how your.
 
 Thoughts create your behaviours, your behaviours create your results, and so NLP really digs into that, so that it just unlocks self-awareness and, like.
 
 awareness of the universe, your place in it, and other people on such a profound level, it, um… It's just been the medicine for me. I truly believe that an ADHD brain.
 
 doesn't need another productivity hack. Probably not a GP, but it probably doesn't need medication either, because particularly if you're late diagnosed, hello, you've made it this far.
 
 What it needs is just to understand. self. Who, like, who am I, really?
 
 Because us ADHD folk, my god, we've worn a lot of masks throughout our life to fit in.
 
 That was a big tangent, Nikki, I'm going to take a breath.
 
 Because you all spoke again.
 
 Tell us about tapping, because maybe you can tap… you get… the passion came through, so now tell us about tapping as you're… as you're tapping yourself back to…
 
 to come.
 
 Tapping EFT emotional freedom technique. So, tapping reduces cortisol in your body.
 
 By up to 43% in a single session.
 
 Okay. Can I just… for those of you that are listening and not watching on YouTube, Jess and I are now
 
 tapping, just to buff our boobs.
 
 On the collarbone area, isn't it? That's one of the tapping points, isn't it?
 
 Not that.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Yeah, about an inch below your collarbone. Yeah, that's my favourite one. There's lots of other tapping points, but that, for some reason, I have just… That one is just… I have a deep relationship with my body now, and it all revolves around those tapping points.
 
 All around the boobs!
 
 Yeah, so, emotional freedom technique, it's… A beautiful somatic practice to help you get back into your body, help reduce cortisol.
 
 And the reason that I… decided to… to train in it was… I actually found tapping back in that year of 2016, when I was doing loads of work.
 
 Because I had such bad anxiety and such bad insomnia, I was just trying to work out anything to, like, help me sleep.
 
 Hmm.
 
 So a traditional tapping format would be something like you're tapping on the side of your hand, going, even though I'm not sleeping, I choose to love and accept myself anyway, even though I'm still awake, I still love myself, I'm still awake, but I'm here and I'm getting through it, so you're… yeah, you're using… you're using words to help your nervous system become regulated.
 
 Um, but I didn't get certified in it until, I think it was 2020.
 
 2? 21 or 22? My coaching program, Debrich Your Brain, I've been running it for a few years.
 
 But I started it, and it was just a cognitive program, so cognitive being conversational, linguistics, and I loved it, and I've got very unusual business, um.
 
 not business, a very unusual kind of brand, because it's all sweary, and I use lots of humor. But it would get to the point with clients where I'd be like.
 
 I want to do something physical, like, because you can only go so far with language, and that's when I realized.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Jess, you need to bring somatics in, because I'm a very embodied person anyway, and it's probably.
 
 quite clear, I'm very expressive and use my limbs.
 
 I need to bring this practice in, because. A lot of what I do with the Debut Your Brain program is about energetics as well, the stuff we can't see, the intangible magic.
 
 Yeah.
 
 And so I went and got certified with tapping, so that when it got to a point where I couldn't take a client any further with words, be like, right, that anger, let's tap on that, boom.
 
 Yes, yeah.
 
 And I've developed, since learning EFT, my own framework for teaching it.
 
 And actually, it works perfectly for my entire coaching program as well, not just tapping. But I call it the three R's, which sometimes when… on a recording or on video, it sounds like three R's, as in your back's.
 
 As in your back end.
 
 So I just want to be clear, 1, 2, 3, letter R.
 
 Ah, oosh.
 
 So, the three R's of inner revolution are… Recognize, release.
 
 and reprogram. And this is such a beautiful, simple model of change.
 
 And once you kind of learnt the knack of it, you can unlock so much.
 
 So, with tapping. be alright for me to keep going on this?
 
 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll… yeah, I'll stop you if… if… if I get.
 
 So let's say you've got.
 
 Let's say we've got, um… I'll use myself as an example of, like, got really acute anxiety.
 
 Yes.
 
 Quite often, we push, repress our emotions, we don't let them out because we're scared of them. Like, if we name the anxiety, it's like, oh my god, it will make it bigger.
 
 But the whole ethos of tapping and My Three Rs process is that.
 
 If you don't give that thing, whatever it is, permission to be here, if you don't look at it, honour it, let it be in the room.
 
 Yeah.
 
 You are never going to get over it. You're gonna keep creating more of it, and it's just gonna get bigger.
 
 So sometimes when we start tapping, the thing can feel bigger, because we're allowing it, we're giving it permission. Welcome, anxiety!
 
 Come to the tea party, I will pour you a cup of tea, don't think you're staying forever, you're not, but you're welcome here for now.
 
 Yeah.
 
 So you're just acknowledging it and letting it be present.
 
 So once we have done that, given it the permission slip for it to be there, whatever that emotion is.
 
 Then we can get curious with it so that we're able to release it. So that question of, like, what are you making it mean? What else could it mean? What's underneath that anxiety? Where's that anxiety coming from? All of these questions that start to loosen.
 
 And just make a little bit of space for something else.
 
 Yeah.
 
 means that we can then start to work on the reprogramming. And this is something that's not taught when you go and learn EFT in one of the tapping schools. Tapping is taught as a tool to let go of.
 
 Oh, okay.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Not direct. And for me, this is the key thing, because of everything that I've learned in NLP, neuro-linguistic programming.
 
 If you only teach the brain. I don't want this.
 
 Yeah.
 
 You're not telling the brain where to go instead, and what happens if you don't do that?
 
 Yeah.
 
 You get stuck in the anxiety loop. I don't want anxiety, I don't want anxiety, I don't want anxiety, I don't want it! What do you want when you… if you don't want anxiety?
 
 Yeah.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Come! Ah! Now we're talking. Reprogram, okay. So then we start talking about what we do want. I want calmness in my life, calmness in my body. I notice what it feels like when my breathing is slower, when my thoughts are slower.
 
 So we're just subtly pointing the brain in the direction that you actually want it to go.
 
 Yeah. And the reason why I love what you're saying so much, Jess, is because
 
 I think there is only what you've just said it, there is only so
 
 far you can take with language and with the mind.
 
 The rest of it is all down to feeling, and it's down to your body.
 
 And we do not get taught how to be with our emotions.
 
 And if we are, it's a way of trying to get rid of them, like you just said.
 
 Hmm… Yeah.
 
 But actually, there are some emotions that it's not appropriate to get rid of. So, my… my… the go-to example for this is grief.
 
 If you've lost someone that you love dearly, and you're thinking, I'm gonna miss them,
 
 You actually want to feel grief.
 
 Hmm… Yeah.
 
 So, learning how to sit with the uncomfortable emotion,
 
 Learning that it's totally harmless,
 
 Yeah. Yeah.
 
 That… that is what…
 
 gives you the calm,
 
 Certainty. Like, if… if anxiety is your go-to
 
 Yeah.
 
 like, your body's go-to favourite emotion. Being okay with anxiety.
 
 Now, you powerful. Whereas if you're always trying to get rid of it, and it's not an emotion that your body's gonna ever get rid of, well, now where do you sit?
 
 Yeah. Yeah, I always say a woman who is willing to be with any emotion is the most powerful woman in the room.
 
 Yeah, yeah.
 
 And then, that's not a way that should look.
 
 Yeah. It's true.
 
 So, I think I…
 
 Say that again, like, my muted cough got in the way.
 
 That's okay. It's not then that emotion should look a certain way. For example,
 
 Um, being… being okay with our emotions doesn't mean then we're not going to rock in the corner crying with snot bubbles. No, no, no. That is…
 
 being with your emotions at times. You know, giving yourself permission to have a bath and tears just roll down your…
 
 Yeah.
 
 That is being okay with your emotions, and I think…
 
 That's always worth pointing out. I think when people think they're gonna
 
 be powerful, it… they then think, I'm never gonna…
 
 feel. And actually, the opposite is true.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Yeah. Yeah, that is a really wild misconception that, um… yeah, that you can't express your emotions, or you're too emotional, and I think this is a label that women get in the working world, right? You're too emotional, you can't express emotions.
 
 Yeah.
 
 And so if we take that at a global level of, like, oh, so I can't… like, crying is weakness, or losing is weakness, or it means that I'm a bad person if I've, like, lost my temper.
 
 Yeah.
 
 This is all part of processing emotions and allowing them to come to the surface.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Also, I think the, um, the squirmy emotions, your grief, and I've done some big grieving in my time, and shame.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Yes.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Ooh, what huge teachers. These emotions are… God, they show us so much about what we care about, what we love, what.
 
 we wish that we hadn't done what we'd like to do differently, what the world says about certain things, or, you know, all of this kind of judgment from the external world.
 
 They're really powerful teachers, but. Just, can you sit there and have the cup of tea?
 
 Yeah.
 
 in that discomfort, because once you can. It gets a lot easier.
 
 Yeah. Yeah, it really does. It really does.
 
 Um, but no one wants to buy that.
 
 Let me show you how to feel shit!
 
 No! Hey, ladies, do you want to… feeling uncomfortable, um… probably cry a lot, uh, maybe really change, like, how you feel about yourself and your identity, like, what? I don't even know what that is, go away.
 
 I know. But it is really incredible when, um…
 
 like, my clients, when, you know, when you say to people, what has been the most impactful part of coaching? And they
 
 Actually, just learning to be uncomfortable was a game changer.
 
 And you're just like, it really is! Like, and however…
 
 However that looks for somebody, I just think is… is so…
 
 So powerful.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Love that. Learning to be uncomfortable.
 
 Yeah, that's… that really resonates.
 
 Yeah. And how I always love… so love is one of my, um… well, it's one of my core values, it's my most… I…
 
 think in the whole wide world, the most powerful emotion.
 
 But I think when people hear love, they think, oh, soft and soppy and gooey, and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no.
 
 You'd be totally mistaken. Love is a very powerful,
 
 force. So, going back to that sort of debitching your brain,
 
 Having that internal dialogue and learning to have that dialogue from love and kindness towards yourself, and towards those
 
 dark parts of us that we don't ever really want to look at.
 
 I think that's… that makes the transition.
 
 easier.
 
 Yeah. Yeah, this is making me think of how… I teach clients about their different… different bitches, different emotions, different themes. If they spot, for example, that they're, like, stuck in a shame loop, or a woe-is-me loop.
 
 If they then add a layer of judgment that, oh my god, I'm doing this thing again, and blah blah blah, it's like, no, no, no.
 
 Yes.
 
 That… then you're… then you're just perpetuating and making this worse. We need to be able to get a bit better about it, and.
 
 bring in that compassion, bring in that self-love. One of my favorite things that I always use when I'm tapping is, ah.
 
 Yes.
 
 How human to have. done that. Yeah, like, being able to stop the layers of judgment for what we've said, how we've said it, how we've shown up.
 
 Because otherwise you just get in a deeper spiral, and.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Yeah.
 
 And that's why I use humor in my work, because otherwise, like, it can just… people take this stuff so bloody seriously, it's like, no.
 
 Yeah. Yeah. And it's actually isn't, like, when we look at that part of our brain, I mean, for a start, it's designed to keep us safe in our cave people days.
 
 We don't live in caves anymore, so that part of us that…
 
 starts to freak out about being in a social environment, or about the amount of emails that we've got in our inbox, or…
 
 you know, the amount of things that we've got to do. They are not life-threatening. Like, they're not life-threatening.
 
 And yet, part of our brain freaks out as if it is, and if you're… if you…
 
 If you can choose to see that as a really funny…
 
 humorous thing. It's so much easier.
 
 So much easier.
 
 Mm-hmm.
 
 I love it. So, what do you think
 
 Absolutely.
 
 If there were, like, 3 things…
 
 This is putting Jess on the spot here.
 
 But if there were 3 things you wish every, sort of,
 
 Mm-hmm.
 
 woman knew.
 
 What do you think those three things would be?
 
 I know, sorry!
 
 Okay, you really are putting me on the spot, but… Okay? So, here we go.
 
 You know, that moment that you asked me, do I need to prep anything? And I was like, no, we're just gonna see where the conversation goes!
 
 Yeah. I know, don't you worry, I'll ask some really specific questions. Okay, so 3 things that I really wish all women should know. Number 1.
 
 Yes.
 
 Your thoughts are just fiction of the mind. If they're not serving you, you do not have to believe them, and you certainly do not have to obey them. Oh my gosh, honestly, that one is the key.
 
 Yeah.
 
 The amount of my clients that have said words to almost the same effect of, like.
 
 I can't believe it's my thoughts the whole time.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Okay. Number two? I think it's something around, like, your potential is truly limitless. Like, if you think about.
 
 Every acorn has the capacity to turn into the most magnificent.
 
 Yeah.
 
 oak tree. And it's the same for us humans. We have… all of us have the… ability, it's, like, innately in us to become.
 
 Yeah.
 
 this thing that expresses itself however it wants. And to give yourself, like, a little reality check on that, because sometimes we believe we put all of these blockers in place, there's no time, there's no money, I'm not this, I'm not that.
 
 But actually, you do have so much more potential than you give yourself credit for, and.
 
 Yeah.
 
 step into it, and to be curious with what that is.
 
 Yeah. And then, hang on, before you go on to the third thing, I think what's worth pointing out there, then,
 
 is that that potential
 
 isn't…
 
 like the businesswoman that's earning a million. It can be, if that's your desire,
 
 But your potential could be…
 
 like, I don't know, making sure that you're, you know, you've got everything on your shopping list,
 
 Thank you.
 
 Kids are fed and your house is tidy. That…
 
 Yes.
 
 Yeah. Yeah.
 
 Yes, thank you for that brief frame. So, okay, so yeah, let me put this in a different box. Your potential… let's go this way, to experience deep, profound, beautiful ways of being. Your potential to go deeper on what you believe you know about the human experience, your potential for your capacity to love somebody else more deeply, like, that's what I mean about potential. I don't just mean, oh, I have to go.
 
 and write a book, and I have to do this, have to.
 
 Yeah, beyond… yeah.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Yeah.
 
 That's such a, like, toxic myth. Which has actually been perpetuated by the podcast world, because it's like, yeah, I've got a career and a side hustle, and I've got, like, a bestseller, and Amazon. No! Fuck that! Just your potential for humanness. And what is humanness?
 
 Yes.
 
 Yes.
 
 to love, to understand, to make meaning, that's… that is what I mean.
 
 Yes.
 
 Don't get stuck in that hamster wheel of not enoughness to remember that there's so much more.
 
 Yeah. Yeah.
 
 Yeah, exactly. And then the third thing…
 
 Okay, the third one… Um, this is a… this is, like, a path that I'm on right now, is… Don't confuse.
 
 Ooh, yes, tell me more.
 
 confidence and courage. Yeah. So, my… I've got a massive thing happening later on in the year, involving a stage and speaking on it.
 
 And when I told my family, they were all like, oh my.
 
 God, and my brother said. he was like, oh my god, I really admire your confidence or something. I'm like, no, no, sorry.
 
 No, no, yeah.
 
 This is not confidence. I am not confident right now.
 
 I just have tips out, no sorry about the swearing, current.
 
 No, no, no, all him for that.
 
 That is what this takes. The courage to do things that absolutely terrify you, the courage to.
 
 be with… so a lot of us worry about what other people think of us, right? That's, like, a main driver of things that we do or don't do.
 
 the courage to have all of that noise. And still do it.
 
 Yes.
 
 The noise of those thoughts, like, oh, what are they going to think, blah blah blah, that's never going to go from doing any amount of thought work or coaching.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Yeah.
 
 It's always going to come, but it's then what you're making it mean.
 
 Yes.
 
 So still having the courage to do the things that your soul is calling you for, and again, for me, getting on stage this year and doing Bright and Fringe, I've got a one-woman show.
 
 Do you think I'm confident about that? No. I'm not confident about myself as a theater performer. I don't know anything about theater. I've got massive imposter syndrome with it. However, I know that last year, when I had the outrageous courage to stand up and do some comedy and some, like, performance stuff for the first time, the feedback.
 
 Yeah.
 
 was insane. And because I have this, like, weird ADHD energy gift thing, and I'm a great space holder, it's just a different context.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Today's show is all about de-bitching, so it's stuff that I know, it's my soul's path, it's just coming out of me, but I had to have, had to find that courage to be with the fear of the judgment of what people will think, what will they say, what if they hate it.
 
 And just be like, I have to do this.
 
 Yeah.
 
 My soul will not rest unless this work is birthed.
 
 Hmm.
 
 Watch this space.
 
 So, yes, courage. For confidence.
 
 I, you know, and I love that, because…
 
 Most people say, I just want more confidence, and I don't… I don't think you do. I think you probably want self-confidence,
 
 Which is moving to something that you've never done before. Confidence is when you've done it, then you…
 
 Yeah.
 
 Yes.
 
 get confidence. But courage, you have to… and if you want the confidence to say no to somebody,
 
 Yes.
 
 Um, you have to have the courage to say no first. If you… if you want to… if you wanna have the confidence to be able to say to your neighbor, oh, do you know what, I can't actually look after your cat this weekend,
 
 You need to be able to find the courage
 
 In order to say that first, realize you don't die, and then understand that
 
 That's, um, you know, it's… it's okay to do it again. And so I love that, yeah, the difference between confidence and courage, that's brilliant.
 
 Yeah, and I love that your, um, what you just said there about saying no.
 
 Hmm.
 
 I was on a dating… what was it called? It was like a dating workshop thing at Budafield last year.
 
 And it's, like, a part of the speed dating thing, you had to.
 
 Yeah.
 
 say no to people, and there was, I think, such a high proportion of the population say that they're people pleasers. So everyone in the room was like, ew, how do you say no to somebody? And so part of the workshop was learning how to just say.
 
 No.
 
 Yes, yep.
 
 No, and learn that that's a complete sentence in itself, but also just to, like, play around with different.
 
 different versions of no, of like. No, thank you. No, it's not for me.
 
 Yeah.
 
 But then to take that into your life, like what you're saying there, if, like, your neighbor comes and asks you to do something, it's like… No! I don't want to. Come.
 
 Yeah. Yes, yeah, thank you, but no! Yeah.
 
 Yeah.
 
 I know, it is… it is magical work, but you do have to have the courage.
 
 To start with. It's courage before confidence, I think, isn't it?
 
 Courage before confidence, and that, I think, comes from.
 
 being really powerfully connected to your why. And again, this doesn't have to mean in the world of self-development or writing books or stuff like that, whatever your why is is personal to you.
 
 Yeah.
 
 But when you are really, really clear on. the reason that you are doing the thing.
 
 Finding that confidence becomes… so much easier, like… I… I'm so connected to all this work that.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Yeah.
 
 that's what makes it easier to find that courage and be with the squirm, because I want the outcome that I know the outcome that I want. And so, yeah, getting really clear on what you want, what you want to create.
 
 That's the thing that is the catalyst for courage, I think.
 
 Yeah. Yeah.
 
 So, on a very basic level, I…
 
 love cold water swimming, and I've got a river close to me that I go to
 
 Um, I try every week, if not multiple times a week.
 
 And as an example, as I'm walking towards the river, my brain is literally screaming at me, Nikki, what the actual fuck?
 
 Like, what the fuck? Like, it's 5 degrees, it's flowing quite, you know, we've had a lot of rain, it's flowing,
 
 what the actual fuck?
 
 And I walk away feeling so incredible. I'm not saying it's for everybody,
 
 It wouldn't be for everybody, but my body feels alive. I feel strong, my mind… I've overcome myself. That power is infectious.
 
 So, as I'm walking to the river, and I'm going, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, I'm able to go, no, no, no.
 
 Yes.
 
 After this is amazing, and I think that's what…
 
 That's what enables us to keep moving forward. Like you say, deal with the squirm of saying no, or asking for help, or…
 
 Mm-hmm.
 
 standing on a stage, or starting to write a book, whatever, it doesn't matter what your… what your growth area is.
 
 The other side is the self-confidence and the power that actually most of us are seeking, and having that reason why
 
 is so important.
 
 Yeah, and I just want to add a little point here to, um, outcomes, and if any listeners get really nervous about doing a thing, or.
 
 If they've got to lead a meeting or something like that, and they're feeling really nervous, I use this tool all the time.
 
 I remember a few years ago, the first time I did public speaking for my business, not for my corporate career that I used to have.
 
 I was on my way to this networking event, and I was the speaker, and there was going to be 80 people in the room, and I found myself.
 
 be, like, the imposter was there, and it was like, oh my god, what if you can't remember, because I have ADHD, my working memory is awful. What if you forget stuff? What if you and it was, like, I felt my body language just like, shrinking into this little kind of.
 
 Yeah, a little, like, gnome. I was like, hang on a minute.
 
 Let's use your own coaching tools here, so I did a, like, bunch of, like, different thought work in my head, and I remembered, right, how do I want to feel when I have finished speaking, and people are coming up to me going, oh my god, can I take your Instagram thing? Because I know that's going to happen.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Yeah.
 
 I was like, I want to feel big, and I want to feel proud, and I want to feel excited, and then I was like, oh, and now I've got that energy in my body.
 
 Yeah.
 
 So rather than thinking about the thing that is inherently scary or whatever to us, it's thinking about how you want to feel after that thing is done, and it's like a magic button switches in your nervous system.
 
 And I 100% guarantee you will be able to do that thing far better when you plug into the emotion that you want afterwards than if you believe the emotion of the thing in the present.
 
 Yes, yeah.
 
 Yeah, that's one to listen back to.
 
 I see you can hear what Jess just said.
 
 Plug into the emotion that you want to feel after, and not the emotion that you're feeling in the present.
 
 Yes. Yes.
 
 Yes, that is amazing.
 
 Thank you for that reflection on that. Was that a very ADHD storytelling that didn't make that much sense?
 
 It was perfect. It made perfect sense to me. I think if someone had listened to that the first time, they'd be like, what the fuck? Did she just mean? Future emotions?
 
 present emotions, I don't know!
 
 Basically. Yeah, let me, like, summarize it. Don't believe your thoughts and your emotional experience of the present. Take a breath, shake it off, remember what you want.
 
 Yes, and go…
 
 That's it. Go in with… motion of what you want, not what you don't want.
 
 go in feeling with what you want? Yes, exactly, exactly. I love it.
 
 Yes.
 
 So, is there anything that we… I do feel, Jess, like we could carry on, especially if we started to go into the spiritual realm of this conversation, which we haven't touched on, but I feel like we could. But that was probably… it'd be a whole other podcast in itself.
 
 But is there anything that we haven't…
 
 cover today that you think is relevant?
 
 Do you…
 
 Oh my gosh, I mean, that's a huge question.
 
 Well, I don't think we've got time to go into spirits.
 
 in spiritual terms, or… Yep.
 
 But I think maybe that could be another episode.
 
 But in terms of…
 
 Yorty bitching in terms of NLP, EFT,
 
 what you offer,
 
 Okay. Let's, um, give you a quick… a quick, um, introduction to what debitching is. So, if you want to debit your brain, you've got to start with being aware. Like, aware of your thoughts, aware of the specific words and sentences.
 
 And then I invite you, dear listener. to give one of your internal dialogues, one of your identity. So start to notice what patterns, where is this… where does your brain get hijacked? And maybe you start to identify that you've got a people-pleasing Okay.
 
 What's her name? What does she look like? What does she sound like, and where is she in orientation to your body? For example.
 
 Is she in your chest? Is she behind you? Is she above you?
 
 Because once you can start to notice these things, this is where we can take the intensity out of the emotion, or you can start to bring in something else instead.
 
 And just that simple act of noticing, identifying, naming it, puts space in between you and your emotion, so that you don't become that emotion.
 
 So there's a real difference from, like. sitting on the side of a pool, drinking a cocktail, looking at the pool, to throwing the cocktail away and jumping in the pool.
 
 And that's what this work is. It's like admiring the water, not getting wet.
 
 Yeah.
 
 So, hopefully that's, like, a little introductory into what the world of de-bitching is.
 
 Love it.
 
 But it essentially makes this self-development work a little bit more fun. It brings a little bit of levity to it.
 
 Yeah.
 
 And that is my wish, to spread emotional liberation around the world.
 
 Nice!
 
 So that we can be clear in our own skin.
 
 Yes, I love it, I love it.
 
 And one of my clients, when I
 
 talk to that… talked to her about, um,
 
 like, naming that emotion. She actually found
 
 different characters, not necessarily humans, so she had, like, a dragon for one thing, and she had this little leprechaun for another, and then she had…
 
 Yeah.
 
 Like, so it's… it's whatever resonates in your brain that works for you, that enables you to have that detachment, isn't it? I love it.
 
 I love it.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Yeah.
 
 Yes, exactly, and this is where I get my clients to name their own stuff. I offer a… you can download my e-book, Caster Bitches. Um, it's a guideline. It's like, the cast is never-ending.
 
 But for you, finding that thing that really resonates is what's going to make the difference. When I did it in my one-woman show, I become… there's a self-doubt who is.
 
 her body language is very much, you know, closed and small like this, but the self-doubt, it's like a goblin.
 
 Yeah. Yeah.
 
 That's become something that cracks people up, and I'm this goblin on stage, like, running around with all this, like, funny body language, but it's whatever works for you.
 
 Yes, exactly.
 
 We want to be bringing in that humor, and that's something that makes your body have some kind of release.
 
 Yeah.
 
 So, yeah, the label, I don't like labels, but, like, labels and stuff that work for you are really powerful.
 
 Yeah, yeah.
 
 Yes, yes.
 
 This works for kids as well. It's debugging your brain for kids.
 
 Yeah.
 
 But getting kids to notice, oh, I've got this, like, doubt the doubt gremlin, or whatever it is, where is it?
 
 Yeah, the anxiety monster, yeah.
 
 Yeah.
 
 See monster in the box, it can come out to play later on. You know, all of the stuff in linguistic programming.
 
 Yeah.
 
 There's amazing tools for the mind that you can… at any age, in any circumstance, to create more of what you want and less of what you don't.
 
 Yeah, I love it. So, we will put all of your links in the show notes, so, like, the e-book that you just
 
 um, mentioned all of your social media. Where is your favorite place to hang out, Jess, if people want to find you?
 
 Yep.
 
 Um, I think Instagram is probably my favorite, because it's more of a behind-the-scenes type content-y place, and I'm very much here for the messy reality of being human, so that's Jessnick's coaching on Instagram, and then… For a slightly more grown-up big girl pants, if I'm on LinkedIn as well.
 
 LinkedIn, yeah.
 
 Love it. We will put all those links below. Thank you so much for coming to talk to me today, I've really enjoyed our conversation.
 
 And everybody else, I will see you next week!
 
 Absolute pleasure, thank you.
 
 Bye!