Ep #107 - Never Apologise for Who You Are with Maria Newman

In this episode, I’m joined by Maria Newman for a really honest conversation about identity, confidence, and what happens when the world teaches you to tone yourself down.

We talk about the pressure so many women feel to be less of themselves in order to fit in, be accepted, or be taken seriously — especially at work. Maria shares her own experience of being told she was “too much” in corporate, how that shaped the way she showed up, and why she now believes you should never apologise for who you are. 

We also get into the beliefs we pick up as kids and adults, the exhaustion that comes from forcing an identity that isn’t really you, and why awareness gives you the power to choose something different. There’s so much in this conversation about being heard, backing yourself, and letting go of the version of you that was built just to keep everyone else comfortable. 

Maria also shares some simple but powerful wisdom from The Four Agreements, including why making assumptions creates so much unnecessary emotional drama, and how being more intentional with your words can change the way you experience your life. 

This one is for you if you’ve ever felt too much, not enough, too loud, too quiet, or like you’ve had to edit yourself to be accepted.

In this episode, we cover:

• why you never need to apologise for who you are
• how workplace and life experiences shape your identity
• the difference between respecting your audience and changing yourself
• why forcing an identity is so bloody exhausting
• how to challenge the beliefs you’ve been carrying around for years
• practical wisdom for communicating and living more truthfully 

I loved this conversation, and I think you will too.

The 2 books Maria mentioned were:

The Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton 

The 4 agreements by Don Miguel

You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingWomensLifeCoach

If you'd like to have a chat about how I can help you further, please don't hesitate to click here & book a time with me, I'd love to meet you.

You can also follow me on IG @NickyBevan_LifeCoach

Transcript

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Welcome, welcome, welcome, everybody, to this week’s podcast episode. I’ve got Maria joining me today, and I just said to Maria, I can’t actually believe that we haven’t had this conversation yet on the podcast, because You and I have known each other for quite a while now, haven’t we?

[Maria Newman] Yeah, I don’t even know when we first met, because it feels like it’s a long time ago.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] It does. We’ve never actually met in person, have we yet? Oh, we did! Yes, we did! Yes, of course we did! I remember now! Yes!

[Maria Newman] One. Just one.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Up at the, uh, Women V. Miz meeting.

[Maria Newman] Yes, yes.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] So good! Okay. So we have met once, but Maria, do you want to start by introducing yourself? Please.

[Maria Newman] I will. Thank you very much, Nikki, for the opportunity. So, as a business, I am Maria Newman Coaching, and I help my clients to overcome the challenges in their lives so they can move forward from feeling overwhelmed and overlooked to confident, fulfilled, and thriving.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Nice.

[Maria Newman] But I’m not my business, I’m a real person. Like, we all are. And… I am a woman who just wants to help other people. I’m a mum who wants to ensure that I raise amazing adults. they’re not adults yet. I’m a wife! Who wants to be part of her husband’s life, and to see him become the best he can be? I’m just doing my best. So that’s who I am.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Oh, I love that! I love that so much! And we’ve got no plan at all, have we, for our conversation today?

[Maria Newman] No!

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] But we was like… Do we have a topic to talk about? I’m like, we can talk about whatever, because I know it’s going to be an amazing conversation. So, first of all, how old are your kids?

[Maria Newman] So, my daughter, oh my goodness, my daughter is going to be 13 next month. Although, I sort of feel like I’ve been living with a teenager. already, so I’m like, is it just more of this, or when she actually turns 13, does it all of a sudden go… I’m sure it doesn’t, because it… life doesn’t work like that.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] And I have… I have two boys, so I have no idea what happens with girls. I can’t help you.

[Maria Newman] Well, and I have… I have a son who, I mean, in his way, is completely the opposite. He’s 10 years old, and… he’s just so chilled, literally, I feel like at times, he’s horizontal.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah. I do think… it’s really funny, isn’t it, how… I feel like I’ve been kid… and I’d be interested to hear your view on this. I feel like I’ve been conditioned as a girl. Do you remember there was a little… when I was growing up, there was this little, like, ditty, Um, and it’s girls… it was girls should be seen and not heard. And I’m like… so I feel like I’ve grown up with this conditioning that girls acquire, girls should be sat drawing in the corner, and… And I think that has… I do know one friend that has a daughter that was like that. But all the other girls that I know, they’re just as bad, if not worse, than the boys, as in… You know, less explore and less go in. And so this whole girl should be seen and not heard and quiet, I’m like, that’s not my experience of girls.

[Maria Newman] No, no, and I’m going to sort of… so I’m going to take it back to when I was younger, although So, I grew up in a very… male-dominated household, mainly because my culture is Greek. You know, I have Greek heritage, and it was very… the man is the head of the household, the men have complete freedom, they do whatever they want, and the girls will be…

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Mm-hmm.

[Maria Newman] protected. Now… I sort of feel sorry for my dad, because I didn’t really conform to the Greek way of life. I did in some ways. I didn’t in others, and I very much pushed boundaries, you know, if I was… so I can remember, like, my dad going, you know, we’d have visitors come round, and we’d go and sit in the nice lounge, and my dad would go, go and help your mum with, you know, the drinks and so on. And I’d sort of look at him, and if I didn’t say it in that moment, I would have said at some point, Is that because I’m a girl? Why can’t my brother do it?

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yes!

[Maria Newman] So, I was always questioning, and somebody said to me the other day, they said,

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Hmm…

[Maria Newman] Isn’t that, though, because your parents also allowed you to… not be quiet. And I’m gonna say, probably on one hand, yes, because if my parents were really dominating, then I would have… I would have been told. And at the same time, Knowing who I am and what I’m about, I would still have gone… this isn’t right. I need to be heard.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah… Yeah.

[Maria Newman] And that is just in the main… I would say the way I’ve lived my life… And however, having said that, when I went into corporate, I did have to… hold back, and I remember the moment that, like, the switch went, and I thought, oh, okay then, maybe I do have to slightly change the way I am. And I’d gone for the… and it was very early on! I’d gone for, like, um…

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Oh, interesting.

[Maria Newman] being on the graduate training programme and work,

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] There was, like, a really prestigious award that people were, um… put forward for, and there were three of us. that were nominated for this award, and we went for the interview so they could select the winner. I came second. And the feedback I got, considering I was in a room of, like, 3 engineering managers, white male, And I’m not an engineer either. The feedback I got from my training officer, who was, like, my HR… person was, Maria, you’re really great, but you’re like a puppy, you know, you come up to people and you, like, lick them and, you know, you’re all in their face. And, you know, you need to maybe… And at that point, is when I thought, oh, alright then, so I… if I’m gonna get on, I need to be able to, like, balance things. And it wasn’t until I left corporate in 20… well, officially 2016. But I thought, what a load of BS!

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] We could swear on this podcast, by the way, yeah.

[Maria Newman] and bullshit.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] We can say bullshit! I could click the explicit button.

[Maria Newman] I would. How wrong is that? No! Alright, you need to be aware of, like, the people you’re talking to. You should never be afraid to be who you are. Never apologize. Be respectful.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] I’m all for, like, respecting the people who are around you. Never apologize for who you are, and that’s why, with my daughter…

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Mm-hmm.

[Maria Newman] Occasionally, when I’m thinking, oh my word, this is like, you know, a… this is a tirade of stuff, I have to, like, bite my lip and… not say things that I know will… mean that she thinks,

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah…

[Maria Newman] Oh. maybe we shouldn’t do that.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah…

[Maria Newman] It’s like, no, I’m not… I don’t want to influence the way you look at yourself. to please me or anyone else. If you decide you want to act differently because it’s best for you,

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

[Maria Newman] That’s different. And it’s the same with my son, but I’m just more wary of my daughter, because of the upbringing that I’ve had.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah… it is so… it is so interesting, isn’t it? And that kind of… I’m too much, or… I’m too quiet. It’s like, I hear both ends of the belief. systems, like, I’m not clever enough, I’m too clever. I’ve coached on both. And it is really fascinating, isn’t it? As kids, how we pick up on those beliefs. And then just carry them through into our adult… well, not even as kids, I mean, you experienced this in the workplace. That sense of, oh, I have to… tamper who I am. Now, I get it from a respect perspective. I have a bit of a potty mouth when I get passionate, so when I… when I present, to a group of adults, I don’t really censor myself. If I was presenting to a group of school kids, I wouldn’t even say shit, like, do you know what I mean? I would… that’s… that’s knowing your audience, isn’t it? But it’s not changing who you are, and I think… Once you… Once you have an understanding of who you are, You can then… you’re not masking, you’re not forcing an identity, and I think forcing an identity is what exhausts us. Absolutely exhausts us. Sue, you said earlier, um, who I am and what I’m about. I would love to know who you are and what you’re about.

[Maria Newman] Oh my word! So… I was actually having this thought yesterday when I was having some quiet time, and I was, like, thinking to myself, who am I and what am I about? And actually, the reason why it came to the forefront of my mind was because we were catching up on Britain’s Got Talent.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Mmm Oh, okay. Important.

[Maria Newman] I know. And, um, there was a spoken word artist on there, I think his name was Sonny. And he was talking about what England means to him, and, like, it really got to me in, like, the nicest of way, and I was thinking, he’s on stage, And he’s making people feel good. He’s making people feel. think. He’s… he’s inspiring people. He’s motivating people, and I could feel myself, like, getting really emotional in the most lovely way of That’s what I do. That’s what I’m about. I’m about helping people to be the best they can be. to get rid of all the… barriers that we put in front of us. Which usually is ourselves,

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Mm-hmm.

[Maria Newman] And just, like, live life, love people, like, be free! Because if you want to, the world can seem like the most dark, horrible place in the world. And that is choice for you to see it like that.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] And that’s what I’m about. I want people to be the best they can be, to just… B.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah. And you said one of my favorite words there, which is choice. Like, right now, so we’re… uh, recording is the 10th of March 2026.

[Maria Newman] Yeah.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] And there are some pretty shit things happening in the world. I personally don’t choose to watch the news, because I… I don’t necessarily think we get given the facts. But I know that there are some really fucking shit things happening in the world. There are also some really fucking amazing things happening in the world. All at the same time. And what I don’t think people realize is they have a choice about what they… focus on. Not for my… Oh, what’s that word? Um… unrealistic. Not from a naive perspective, But from a, there’s this, And there’s this. And we always have a choice, because… and so when it comes down to your belief systems, We didn’t have a choice about what we were told as kids. We didn’t have a choice about the cultures, the religions, the society, the… whatever gave us. But once you become aware of it, you do have a choice whether you continue to believe it. And I… so I would be really interested to hear from you, Maria. What… What was the point? You said you left in 2020… in 2016.

[Maria Newman] Yes.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] What was the… what… what… How did that all come about, and then what enabled you to get to where you are today?

[Maria Newman] So, it’s a really funny story, and the reason why I say that is because Although it seemed to happen in a short space of time, it actually happened over… like, a decade and a half?

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Okay.

[Maria Newman] So, the moment at which I made the decision to leave corporate, I was… I was a project manager working for Rolls-Royce here in, um, Bristol. And my last project that I was leading was to refurb this massive, what was an old drawing office that housed, like, 200 people in it.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Mm-hmm.

[Maria Newman] And I can remember having come to the end of the project, where we’d moved people out, we’d made it a really nice working space, lots of different areas, to help individuals feel better about working, and also be able to work more efficiently. And I can remember looking at it and thinking, So I’m now gonna go on maternity leave with my son. And when I come back… it’s not going to look the same, it won’t have been looked after in the same way. I mean, I, you know, I think that was quite selfish of me, but, you know, this is how I felt. Um…

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] I don’t think I can come back. So then I thought, well, if I don’t come back to this job, do I come back to the company? And I was like, no, I actually don’t think I can come back full stop, because I’m… it’s still gonna be there. I might not be… working in that office,

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] But I’ll still know it’s there. And it’ll still really annoy me. This is before I did coaching…

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] It’ll still really annoy me that although it’s there, and it won’t look, like, pristine.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] So I remember having the conversation with my husband, and initially, when I said to him, I don’t want to go back. He was like, You don’t want to go back, you know? It’s a really good job, and you’re doing really well, and blah blah blah blah. And I said, well, you don’t understand. You have worked in different places. You’ve worked for different companies. All I know is Rolls-Royce. I want to do something different. So it was like, well, yeah, that makes complete sense. So, um, and the other thing that probably pushed me was that about… well, when I first started at Rolls-Royce, and I’d been working for them when I eventually left for 17 years, No, it was a very new… graduate trainee, I was in the car with a senior manager, we were on our way to Uxbridge University to interview students for their year-out placement. And I said to the senior manager, So, how did you get to where you are today? You know, I was very keen, I want to know. And he was like, well, I started as an apprentice, I then went on to the graduate training program, I became a manager, I married my wife, we had children, and now the pension is too good to leave. And I was like, That’s how awful. Why would you, like, not leave because of a pension? And I was 20… T1 at the time, I think? And I made a promise to myself that I would only stay in a company, like, for 5 years-ish, and then move on, because I wanted to see the world, I wanted to do things! I’m here with me, having nearly worked for the same company for 17 years, having got married and had children. You know, I was becoming that person. I didn’t want to become that person.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Hmm. Yeah. Yeah…

[Maria Newman] So, I thought, right, I’m gonna see a life coach. As opposed to, like, a career coach, because I wanted it to be part of life, rather than I want a career. And she said to me, so Maria, what do you really want to do in life? And I was like, I’d love to have my own company, But I don’t have a thing! I don’t know what I’d do, because I didn’t want to do project management, you know, I’d left. that world. So, um… We’d looked at, you know, well, what could I do? I started my first business, which was called Fill That Space. It was about promoting local Bristol artists. And at the same time, I was blogging as Mummy on a break, because as far as I was concerned, I’d been given this gift. I’d been given the gift of a… of time, to decide what I really wanted to do. So I wanted to blog as me and my new environment, so that I could… Really be present. And not just be an observer of life, but living life. And if I could inspire another mum to go, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Is this what I want in life? then that would be a bonus. So I’ve got to fill that space, blogging has mummy on a break. Fill That Space is doing okay, but it’s… it’s not going where I want it to go, it’s not… It’s just not happening. So again, I said to my husband, I’m gonna… I’m gonna wind up fill that space in these fights. I was just like, she’s left the job, she tried this thing, hasn’t started, he’s at the same time very supportive.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] Um, and I thought, maybe it is helping mums… that’s the thing I want to do. So, I’ve lovingly created this online course, Nikki. You know, I… put my blood, sweat, and tears into it. I… put it out into the universe. And have you seen the film Field of Dreams with Kevin Costner?

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] If you build it, they will come, yes?

[Maria Newman] Yes, guess what?

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] They didn’t come.

[Maria Newman] nobody came.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Dop that film!

[Maria Newman] And this is at the beginning of 2020, do you remember what happened at 2020? Has anybody…

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Did anybody have a recollection of a big event that happened in 2020?

[Maria Newman] That’ll be my… what happened? the world just stopped. stopped. So I’m thinking, alright then. So I’ve tried these things… And so far, nothing has, like, got any traction. And I was podcasting at the time, and I’d been podcasting, I think, for about 8 months. And I was like, I’m just gonna teach people how to podcast. I thought it was really difficult, I know it’s really easy, let’s see what happens. So, um, I put together a one-hour workshop, on Zoom, like a lot of people, had never used Zoom before, never run a workshop before. And lots of people came, you know, like a field of dreams! I had about 37 people sign up, And I was like, maybe there’s something in it.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Whew!

[Maria Newman] And that got me on this journey of, um, creating workshops that were designed to help people very quickly get the skill that they needed. And it wasn’t about, you know, I’m gonna make you a superstar, and you’re gonna be really, really successful. It’s about, in one hour, I will teach you how to do the thing that you need to do. So, make money from your superpower, master your mindset, create a podcast in an hour. And it was brilliant, but…

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] there was this nagging feeling. I want to help mums. I want to, like, help people on a one-to-one level. be the best they can be. So, once I’d got, you know, some success under my belt, and it built up my confidence, yes, People do want me to help them in a way. I then got my, um, NLP qualification.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Mm-hmm.

[Maria Newman] And started doing some little bits here and there. And then… I turned mummy on a break into Maria Newman Coaching. So, you know, I work with individuals, who have a specific problem, They want to overcome, because one of my… key skills is problem solving. So whether, you know, it’s a lack of confidence, it’s an awkward conversation you’ve got to have, it’s a difficult situation, It’s always good to have someone else who has no vested interest in you as an individual, you as the client.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] Just to ask you the questions that potentially either… You don’t want to ask yourself, Or, because you can’t see the wood from the trees,

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yep.

[Maria Newman] You can’t ask yourself them.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] So, yeah, that’s my journey, which has been, well, started… when I went on maternity leave with Luca in 2015, to here in 2026.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Wow, I didn’t realize the fact the pot… so when I asked you earlier, have you ever done podcasts, and you’re like, yeah. I’m like, okay, that’d be why!

[Maria Newman] Oh, sorry!

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] I used to teach people how to podcasts. I think I’ll be okay here today, Nick.

[Maria Newman] Sorry, Nikki.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] It’s right! I always like to ask. Yeah, so it’s… isn’t it really interesting how We always have this kind of instinctive knowing about what we need to do, even if It’s not really obvious in the moment. We start something. And in starting something, you learn so much quicker. Is that the thing, yes or no? But I think so… So few of us actually start anything to know if that is going to be the right path, and you’re not going to know it’s the right path unless you start walking along it.

[Maria Newman] Exactly, exactly. And it’s funny, I always relate it to, like, babies learning to walk. Can you imagine if a baby just, like, took their first step, fell over, and went, oh, no, I can’t do that, I’m not doing this?

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Ugh, can’t do it. Yeah, can’t do that anymore.

[Maria Newman] We’d all be, like, bum shuffling.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Maria Newman] Nobody will be walking.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah, exactly.

[Maria Newman] But they, they have great courage in just, like, trying stuff. And we get, like, socialised into you know, don’t do something in case you fail, in case it goes wrong. And that’s why I’m, like, really keen with my children in particular, to not make it about… failure or success. It’s about having a go and seeing what happens.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah, learning.

[Maria Newman] And, you know, we’re not always going to be the best at something, And at the end of the day, and I was saying this to myself, so over the weekend, I went away with some friends, we were playing badminton, And I’m, like, super competitive at, like, everything, even if I’ve never done it before. And the thing that I was replaying in my head to make sure that I didn’t get all, like, because that just ruins your game, is… The only person I’m playing against in this moment is myself.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah, yeah.

[Maria Newman] It’s got nothing to do with anybody else. It’s just you being better than you were your last shot. or yesterday, or 10 minutes ago. It’s just you.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then everything just dilutes a little bit, doesn’t it? Like, the pressure just kind of… When you have that awareness. So, Let’s… let’s talk about getting that awareness, then, because I feel like… People don’t have the understanding that their thoughts are not facts. We all hear that voice in our head, We all hear a dialogue, and we assume that the first thing our brain goes to is going to be the factual information, and actually very rarely is it. Until you either have a conversation with someone, and they hopefully lovingly go, do you realize you’re talking bullshit? Um, but how did you… how did you start getting your awareness? Like, what did that look like for you? And looking at your thoughts and your belief systems?

[Maria Newman] So, I’m going to split that into two. When it came to, like, my thinking and understanding about my thinking, I had a really powerful, like,

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] pay for it.

[Maria Newman] Years-long worth of coaching with a wonderful lady. She’s called Namisha Patello in, and she was the one who first introduced me to the concept, the framework of, Every situation you are in is neutral.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] Until you give it meaning. And that is by either the thoughts that you’re…

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] are happening in your head, or the things that you are saying. Because it’s those that then drive your emotions and your feelings, which then influence the way you behave and you show up in the world.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yep.

[Maria Newman] Which then determines the experience you have. So, if you are aware of the thoughts that you are

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] that are popping into your head, or the words that are coming out of your mouth, then that helps you… In aura, then?

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Hmm.

[Maria Newman] Is that… is that true? And it’s being mindful of the voice… Again, is neutral. They’re not good or bad, they’re just doing… they’re just trying to do their job. And the job of that inner voice is to keep you safe. So if the voice needs to tell you something in order to stop you, to keep you safe, then it’s gonna be like on, oh, well, But we… and once you know that, You can go, oh, okay then, thanks for that. Not happening. Or, like, listen to it and go… That’s interesting. Why, in this situation, what is the thing you… think is putting me in danger? And do we really need to, like, put the sirens on and do all of this? Or can we just observe what’s going on? So that’s been really powerful.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yes.

[Maria Newman] And then, in terms of belief, I have… so there’s some amazing people I’ve worked with over the years, and one of the key things that really shifted my understanding around belief systems was realizing that, first of all, they’re not mine in the beginning. They’ve come from somewhere. Somebody has told me something, I’ve observed something, I’ve made meaning from something, and then I’ve held onto it as truth.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] And when I realized that, it was like, oh! Well, if I learned it, then I can unlearn it. Or I can choose something else. And I think that’s the piece that’s really empowering, because otherwise you just walk around feeling like, well, this is just who I am, this is just how life is, this is just how I think. And it’s like, no… it’s just what you’ve practiced.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yes! Yes, yes, yes.

[Maria Newman] And if you’ve practiced it, you can practice something different. And that’s not to say it’s easy, because it isn’t. But it is possible.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah. And that’s the thing, isn’t it? Like, the thing is, it’s scientific. I mean, we know it, It is scientific, it’s real, it’s not woo, it’s real!

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] I absolutely…

[Maria Newman] So, that’s where it’s come from.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah, I’ll make a note of that. We’ll put a link in the show notes, but I absolutely love that you said that about the science, because… I was actually only chatting to someone yesterday, and she’s like, the problem is, my husband is a scientist, so he thinks from a scientific perspective. I’m like, Your thoughts creating your feelings is not science. The energy is not woo, sorry, it’s… it is actually science, and… Like, the fact that we’re humans and we’re energetic, is quantum physics. Like, we’re talking quantum fucking physics, that’s pretty serious science. But people hear it, and they kind of have this… Oh, yeah, that’s nice, but it’s not really rel… like, and you’re like, no, no, no, this will change your life if you just realized Your thoughts that probably aren’t fact, Create your feelings that also don’t represent the reality of the truth, and how you feel will drive your actions or create an inaction. So if you want to change your behaviour, You get to change your emotions. Purely and simply by changing your thought process. I mean, it’s so… Simple.

[Maria Newman] It is simple.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] And yet…

[Maria Newman] And so, when I’m doing my talks, there is… because people, like you say, they look at you and they go,

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] Like, what… it can’t be. So, when I… when I do a talk, I give… I give a very clear example, so that people go, oh, okay, I, yeah, I get it now.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] And that is… There’s obviously a room or a screen of people, and I say to them, right, when I finish this talk, I’m going to pick on one of you, and I’m going to ask you for 5 minutes to talk about yourselves. Now, you might be like Annabelle. Annabelle’s thinking, that. is amazing. I get to talk about myself for 5 minutes. I get to connect with these people. They get to know more about me, and maybe, you know… will have shared interests, we might become friends, that is awesome! So she’s getting all excited, she’s feeling happy, she’s, like, sitting up, making eye contact, just hoping that I pick her. And obviously, I’m a lovely person. I see that she wants it, I pick her, she talks about herself for 5 minutes, smashes it, everybody thinks she is amazing, and then that just, like, goes on to friendships and amazing times. Or, you might be like, Barbara. Barbara thinks, 5 minutes to talk about myself. That’s absolutely ridiculous. what I say about myself in 5 minutes? Tiffany wants to hear about me, I’m so boring, I’m so dull. She’s thinking, oh my word. this is not good. She starts to feel nervous. may be a bit anxious, starts to sink into her chair, hoping that the world will swallow her up so that I don’t pick her. I said I’m a nice person. I don’t pick her. I just allow her to… be part of the circle. And nothing happens! It’s the same situation, it’s very neutral. I said, I’ll just pick on one person to talk about themselves for 5 minutes. Two different people, different thoughts, led to different outcomes.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] But it’s one situation.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Saves situation. My favourite example is the weather. So, uh, so my favourite go-to is, like, let’s imagine it’s a sunny day,

[Maria Newman] Tell me.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Clear blue skies, 26 degrees. They’re the facts, that’s what we could prove. My brain’s like, oh my gosh, this is amazing, I love the warmth, I’m happy, I’m joyous, I’ve got a smile on my face, I’m singing, I’m seeing the fun in life. I enjoyed the 26 degrees. My friend Janet, She does not like the heat. So, exactly the same circumstance, clear blue skies, 26 degrees, She’s not feeling happy, because she’s thinking, oh my god, this is horrible, it’s too hot, I don’t know what to wear. She has a very different experience of exactly the same circumstance. Because of different thoughts. And it… and it is… For those of us that have learnt this skill, of acknowledging our thinking, realizing that Sometimes it’s helpful, and sometimes it’s just not. Being able to redirect our brain when it’s appropriate to. Um, it’s… it is… kind of obvious, right? And I kind of wish… And it is really simple, really simple, actually. So simple that you think it can’t be that simple. And yet, as humans, People struggle to take this on board. People struggle to go… it… I think two reasons, and I’d be interested to hear what you think about this. One, because they… because they then use this as a tool to beat themselves up. Well, if it’s me creating this emotion, I should be something different. So they use it as a as another reason to beat themselves up. Or maybe they’re just so… And at the cells of our bodies, so Dr. Joe Dispenza talks about this, how The cells of our body get addicted to the emotion that we feel most often, so if it’s anxiety, stress, nervousness, you know, we actually get a worry for some people. We get addicted to that emotion. And any form of change… The brain doesn’t like. So it’s a threat. And so, I kind of wish I had this fairy dust in this magic wand that I could sprinkle over everybody and go, Just consider you’ve got a choice. Just consider you could think something differently if you were willing And if it’s appropriate. I don’t think all… circumstances are appropriate to change our thoughts. So, I… for me, like, if you’ve lost someone that you love, Like, grief, you know, it’s not appropriate to change your thoughts. I’m never going to see them again. Oh, I’m gonna miss them. I think that’s a very appropriate thought to have. And grief is appropriate. I choose to be horrified at child abuse, murder, neglect. I wouldn’t think it was appropriate to change thoughts about that, necessarily. But you could, if you wanted to. And so it’s kind of like… Why was I even going with that? I don’t know. So, going back to… It is really that simple and straightforward. But I don’t think it’s always easy for people that aren’t familiar with it.

[Maria Newman] So I think it’s like anything in life, when you’re ready,

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yes.

[Maria Newman] you’ll accept it. Um… I think it… you’re right, it is simple, not easy, and obviously,

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yep.

[Maria Newman] The brain naturally will take the path of least resistance. So, if I’ve gone, oh yeah, I can hear what Nikki and Maria are saying, yeah, I just need to change my thoughts. So I do it a couple of times, The first time I think I’d do it okay, the second time I don’t quite work, the third time, mmm, it’s a bit hit and miss. Oh, I just won’t bother anymore, because actually it’s easier just to allow the thoughts to happen.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah. Yeah.

[Maria Newman] Um, I also think that… I agree with you. Some people, when they realize what it means, and they turn it back on themselves, and they go, oh my word, it’s… So, my reality is my fault.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] No, that’s too much to, like…

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] I can’t take that. And that’s fine, especially if you’re in a real, like, bad situation. And you’re already telling yourself, this is my fault, and then they hear Nikki and Maria, and they go, Confirming what I already thought. So, yeah, you know, we need to be sensitive to

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] to people’s situations. And then, my final one, which I’ve now forgotten. Oh, my word, why does that…

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] That’s because we’re both coming up close to… 50, and a joyous perimenopause. We could have a whole other conversation about that, I think.

[Maria Newman] Already happened! Oh, no, we’re not… It was so good! Oh, it’ll come back to me. So yeah, it’s the path of least resistance, and the… when it, um…

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] It will come back.

[Maria Newman] confirms what you already think of yourself, but you’re not in a good place.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] really not good, but it takes practice, though, and… and it’s not like a… Oh! I’ve formed a habit now! I’m done! It’s like, no, it’s a… it’s continuous, because the world is changing. We are changing. If we think it’s done,

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[Maria Newman] know that it’s a continual practice.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] It’s like cooking. You learn to cook, It’s not like food then magically appears in front of you. You have to actually still continue cooking for the rest of your life, or at least Go and get some food from somewhere for the rest of your life, even though you’ve learned a skill. It’s a pro… it’s a… And, like, I… we hear it likening a lot, don’t we, to, like, strength training. If you continue to do strength training, you muscles will stay strong. The minute you stop, they’ll go back. And so it is… it is… it is a practice. Like, mind and emotional management is 100% a skill,

[Maria Newman] Yeah.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] that we get to learn, And then with practice, your life continues to be… Maybe a bit more maintained, but, like, I’ve… I feel like I’m an expert in mind and emotional management. And… I still feel shit some days, like, I still feel self-doubt, and I still feel shame. And I still feel fear. And I have to… I woke up this morning, actually, And my brain instantly goes to the amount of money I’ve got in my bank account isn’t enough, I have this kind of… pit of dread in my in my body, And then shame… kicks in, and shame for me is like this tingling down my arm, so I re… and it’s… It’s… it’s a very physical sensor, and I feel like I… and I do, I rub my arms, and I’m like, we’re safe. like, we’re very safe right now. Like, this is fine, this is not a problem. Um, so even though I’m an expert at it, it doesn’t… stop the negative thoughts. It doesn’t stop the perceived negative emotions. I think what it does… with compassion, is it stops us making that means something, and spiralling into a, like, a pit of… Further negativity.

[Maria Newman] We’re, at the end of the day, we’re humans, aren’t we? We’re not… we’re not robots, yeah.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Oh, it sucks sometimes.

[Maria Newman] We’ve got emotions, and, you know, we are… Our natural wiring is to fend off danger.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] And I think it’s that voice just going, oh, just remember, though, you know, just be aware. You’re aware? Okay, you’re aware, good, I’ve done my job, you’re aware. And so that’s what I think it is. Um, yeah, it is only natural to… Like, I think when you go into business, I think some of those things, if we don’t, like, manage them, and I… when I say manage, I mean we’ve got to face them, it’s no, like, pushing down. then they come back bigger and bigger, and being in business especially, because you’re worried about, you know, Or am I making enough money? is there enough money to pay the bills? What will people think of me? Because I’ve said, oh, I’m gonna go into business by myself, when, you know, You had a safe job over there, and now you’ve, like, gone into business, and look, are you… You’re not being very good at it, so I think there’s all these… extra things that we, like, throw on ourselves, Because we’re in business by ourselves, and we made the choice. Whether we’ve ever been in corporate, or not, we made a choice to go into business for ourselves. And it’s unusual, you know? The vast population work for someone else. So, you know, people are going, oh, you’re crazy, why do you not want to have, like, a regular… salary coming in, where all you have to do, you get up, you go to work, you do your work, you get paid, you come home, peace of mind. Easy. Wow, some people want that, and some people don’t.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah, and honestly, there are days when I sit and fantasize about doing that again. And then I’m like… and then the reality kicks in, and I think it would just… For me personally, it would be more soul-destroying. then not giving the world my gifts.

[Maria Newman] Yeah.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Not that I don’t think you can’t… like, I’m not saying that you can only give the world your gifts if you’re self-employed. I’m not saying that, but for me, that is… the case. And so, yeah, it’s… it’s so interesting, isn’t it? It’s so interesting. So, I’m just aware of the time, although I feel like, as always with these conversations, we could carry on chatting for hours. But, Maria, is there anything Like, if you could give my listeners Um, one thing that you wish they knew… should I have… should I have warned you about that question?

[Maria Newman] No, no, no.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Having said, I don’t plan anything, and then I’m like, well, maybe I should have… Give him that one a warning. Um, yeah, what would you want them to know?

[Maria Newman] So, there is an amazing book written by Don Miguel. And it’s called the Four Agreements. And if you’re struggling… with the way you live your life. These four agreements are dead simple. And yet, can help you, sort of, piece things together, and… And… allow some of the emotion just, like, to melt away. So, the first one is be impeccable with your words. So it goes back to what we were saying at the beginning. And that… and for me, like I implied, it’s got two sides to it. So there’s the being able to express yourself, as you… And knowing that the person who’s gonna hear it might not be ready to hear it.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] And it’s being able to balance both of those, and when you communicate, communicating holistically. So, not just saying stuff, because your body is going to give you a way. And the more you try, you know, I’m gonna sit on my hands, and I’m gonna be like this, and I’m gonna… Your body will give you away, so… be impeccable with your word. The second one is, don’t make assumptions. As human beings, uncertainty. We can’t deal with uncertainty. We want to know stuff. So we make assumptions,

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] Usually, they’re wrong.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] And the best way I can, um, demonstrate this is… You might have a friend who you communicate with regularly. You send a text, They send a text immediately back, WhatsApp, whatever. On this one occurrence, you’ve sent a message. And you’ve had silence. No response. You’ve seen that they’ve read it, and yet… They haven’t replied. So then your brain goes… Oh, we had that conversation the other day. And I remember I said that thing… And then they didn’t seem very happy with what I said. I’ve upset them. On my word, they don’t like me. They hate me! They’re never gonna speak to me again! And then all of a sudden, you get a response to your message. Oh, I thought I hit send, and I forgot!

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah, my time with the message.

[Maria Newman] So you’ve made this big story, all these assumptions, wrong?

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] And all that happened was they didn’t hit send. So all you know is what you know. I sent a message, they haven’t responded.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] That’s it. Yeah.

[Maria Newman] That’s it. Um, don’t take things personally. Which is obviously really difficult, because we’re humans, we have feelings! The thing is, as you know, we see life through our own lens. So when somebody… says something to you. The words they’re using comes from where they are right now, based on… Everything that’s happened so far to them, not to you! They’re walking in their shoes, not yours. So, whether somebody criticises you or compliments you… It’s actually about them and where they’re sitting, so if they criticise you, actually listen to what they’re saying, because… Potentially, it’s something… that they are insecure about.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] If somebody compliments you, it’s something that they want for themselves.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] And once you see that, it’s like, uh… Wow. The universe opens up all of a sudden.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] And then finally, and this is the one where everybody usually has, like, a big Dick. Do your best.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah…

[Maria Newman] And that means, if you can look at yourself in the mirror, knowing you’ve done your best, That’s all anybody can ask.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah.

[Maria Newman] And, you know, we have children, Nikki, there will have been a moment when they were babies, and a good night’s sleep was probably not a regular occurrence. So on those days, You’re gonna feel like crap! Because you haven’t slept well, so don’t expect yourself to perform in the same way as if you’ve slept wonderfully, or that you’re 100% fit, or whatever. you know, doing your best looks different on a daily basis. However, if you can look yourself in the mirror and go, I did my best, That’s it.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah. Yeah.

[Maria Newman] So, you said one, that was one, but one book.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] That was 4. One book for… We’ll forgive you. Poor things. It’s fine. But we’ll link both of those up, along with how to get in touch with you.

[Maria Newman] Fourth, sorry.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] How… where is the place that you like to hang out the most?

[Maria Newman] So, I hang out in two places, mainly, and that’s LinkedIn, which is a great place to hang out. It’s not all, like, straight-laced and serious, so Maria Newman. And I’m also on TikTok, but I’m not doing… I’m not doing any of this.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] How are you? You’re not doing the dances?

[Maria Newman] No, you’ll probably see me, like, in my running gear, because I tend to… go and do some exercise, something will give me some inspiration, and then I’ll just… How did you about it?

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] just record. Usually, whether you’ve got a hat on, haven’t you? In the winter.

[Maria Newman] I haven’t got my house. Yeah.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Yeah. I don’t do much on Tiki. I did, over COVID, I don’t really do much on TikTok. Not to do much. I didn’t do anything on TikTok now, actually. But Instagram, I do like Instagram. Similar.

[Maria Newman] Similar, yeah, similar.

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Thank you so much for coming in and talking to me today. And thank you for messaging me and going, uh, can I come on your podcast? Because I genuinely can’t believe it’s taken us this long. to get you here and have this conversation. So, thank you so, so, so much for your time. It’s been really delightful to chat with you.

[Maria Newman] Oh, I’ve loved it! It’s been so much fun!

[Nicky Bevan, The Working Womens Life Coach] Good! Good! Good, good, good. And for everybody else… I will speak to you all next week! Bye!