Ep #111 - Do It Nervous

Do you ever avoid doing something because you feel nervous, awkward or uncomfortable?

Maybe it’s going somewhere on your own, asking for a refund, saying no, having a difficult conversation, or putting yourself in a situation where you might feel exposed.

In this episode, I’m talking about why nervousness isn’t actually the problem — and why trying to get rid of it can sometimes make it feel even worse.

I share a real-life example of going to the theatre on my own, how I prepared for the awkward bits ahead of time, and how visualising myself feeling nervous and doing it anyway helped me move through the discomfort without making it a drama.

We’ll also look at why confidence doesn’t come before you do the thing. It comes after.

Because the other side of awkwardness, nervousness and discomfort is often the confidence you’ve been waiting for.

This week, I invite you to practise doing something uncomfortable on purpose — not something dangerous, not something that genuinely puts you at risk, but something your brain has been avoiding because it feels awkward.

You don’t need to feel ready.
You don’t need to feel confident.
You don’t need to get rid of the nerves first.

You can do it nervous.

If this episode resonates and you’d love help applying this work to your own life, come and experience coaching with me. Talking it through with someone else can be one of the most transformative gifts you give yourself.

You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingWomensLifeCoach

If you'd like to have a chat about how I can help you further, please don't hesitate to click here & book a time with me, I'd love to meet you.

You can also follow me on IG @NickyBevan_LifeCoach

Transcript

Welcome, welcome, welcome to today's podcast episode. And if you're watching me on YouTube, I thank you for your understanding in my somewhat relaxed style today. It's the weekend. I've just been for a swim in the river. I'm just waiting for the rain to stop before I go out on my bike. I don't have my mascara on. I'm wearing my gym gear, even though I'm not actually going to the gym. I wonder why we call it that.

So yes, visually, if you're watching me on YouTube, thank you for your understanding. And actually, the reason why I'm more than happy to come and talk to you without makeup, without my hair looking perfect, without having the perfect clothes on, is because life isn't perfect. Life is not perfect. I would rather get this really good quality episode out to you rather than delaying it by making sure that everything is perfect.

Because I would imagine, if you're listening to this episode, you probably don't give a shit how I look. And you just want to hear something that's going to help you enjoy your life so much more effectively. Maybe I'll do another podcast episode on that, because that's not what I wanted to talk to you about today.

What I wanted to talk to you about was anxiety, or nervousness, or dread. Pick your go-to choice of words, but that emotion that, when we are trying to avoid it, stops us doing something.

And I have an example that I want to talk through. So this weekend, a friend of mine was in an amateur dramatics musical. And I really wanted to go and see her. It's not something my husband would want to do. My friend had already been out the night before and didn't really want to go. So I was like, right, I'm going on my own. I'm going on my own.

Now, a couple of years ago, this would have made me really nervous. It was about an hour's drive away. I didn't know where I was going to park. Sitting in an audience where you don't know anybody, because the only person that you know is on the stage. Sitting alone at half-time. And then waiting for her afterwards in a room full of people that are chatting, and you're stood on your own.

I don't think many people can do that. Or, if you find yourself sitting on your own, you're scrolling on your phone to try and avoid the discomfort. And of course, you can do that. But that's not actually dealing with the root cause of the problem. The root cause of the problem is your unwillingness to feel uncomfortable.

And because I have learned and practised being uncomfortable, I realise that that discomfort is really not a problem. So there are things that I put in place in order to make that process so much easier.

The first thing is learning that your emotions are actually harmless. Now, I've talked about this in previous episodes, so I'm not going to talk about this today. But understanding that the only reason you feel nervous is your brain, quite part of your brain, quite literally thinks that being on your own is a, you're going to die. You're going to die. You need to be part of a pack. That awkwardness is to be avoided at all costs. Which simply isn't true.

So with a lot of compassion, we can engage with that part of your brain and go, do you know what? This discomfort is okay. Uncomfortable, yes. But totally harmless.

And especially if you have teenagers in the house, and they're starting to go out into the world, and they're looking at doing exams, and they're looking at getting jobs, and they're doing things, that part of their brain is going to create a drama around it.

Teaching them that being nervous is totally normal, and it doesn't have to hold them back, the other side of that is self-confidence. It’s the confidence to do new things again.

So that's the first thing, understanding that that awkwardness is not a problem. Totally harmless.

And then the second thing that I did was I visualised ahead of time what it was going to be like. Not from a Pollyanna, perfect rainbows and daisies vision, but from a real, right, I'm going to get there. I may be a bit, “I don't know where to park,” and a little bit of nervousness. And I feel that nervousness, and I figure it out.

And then I imagined walking into the theatre, not knowing anyone, feeling the awkwardness, and doing it anyway.

And then at half-time, I thought, the other thing is going to be at half-time. I'm just going to be sat there, and I didn't want to sit there on my phone, because the phone is false. And I was in a real life situation. I wanted to connect to the real.

And so I imagined myself sitting there, feeling awkward. Breathing. Not having any drama over that awkwardness. And then experiencing the next half of the play.

So I visualised it ahead of time. And I visualised feeling awkward, and breathing, and doing it anyway. Because I think a lot of people try to get rid of that emotion, but when you do the thing, and you visualise doing the thing with the nervousness, this is what makes you so powerful.

And then the other thing that I visualised at the end was waiting for her to take her makeup off, take her costume off, and come out. I was stood for about 20 minutes on my own. I didn't stand in a corner. I stood in the middle of the room. I leant against a pillar, and I just waited, and I breathed, and I just watched the people around me.

And I let myself feel a bit awkward and uncomfortable, and I didn't add drama to it. I didn't avoid it. I imagined myself breathing.

But what happens is, when you imagine this in your head, and you can do this with any circumstance or scenario that you're facing, you imagine it in your head. If you have time, imagine it multiple times leading up to the actual event.

And then by the time the event happens, you've done it so many times in your head that it's just another run-through. And what's amazing about the brain is it doesn't actually realise the difference between you visualising and it actually happening. Crazy. Look, Google it if you want to. There's a whole heap of neuroscience around it.

So, I've practised this visualisation in many parts of my life, actually. But what was really interesting is I coached my friend on this exact thing with her play, with her musical.

So before the actual event, they had obviously done all the rehearsals before the actual live event with the audience. She was feeling really nervous. And in the rehearsals, that nervousness had taken over. She'd spiralled into an adrenaline-fuelled kind of anxiety, and it affected the first line of the song that she needed to sing.

And she was trying to get rid of her nerves. She was trying to get rid of that anxiety and that adrenaline rush. And I said to her, I don't think you can. I don't actually think, because in that moment, part of your brain really believes you're about to die.

Should we practise, with so much compassion, first of all, being okay with the nervousness? And we played with it. We made it worse. We made it easier in her body. We played with it.

And then I got her to imagine leading up to her walking out. She's feeling the nerves, and she's seeing the audience, the music is playing. And I said, “I want you to imagine you absolutely nailing that first line, even with the nervousness. We're not trying to get rid of it. I want you to imagine feeling the nerves, experiencing them in your body, and you nail that first line, even with the nerves.”

And we talked it through. She was like, “Okay, that feels quite good.” I was like, “Right, we're doing it again.”

Visualise it again. Visualise it again. Visualise it again.

And then I saw her the next morning in person, and she just went, “Oh my gosh, that was brilliant.” I felt nervous, she said, and ironically, it wasn't actually that bad. Because she wasn't trying to get rid of it. She said, feeling okay nervous actually enabled her to nail that first line. And then once you're off, you're off.

So the practice was doing it nervous. Doing it anxious. Doing it with dread or awkwardness. And visualising ahead of time how that will look in your head, and then you go out and do it in real life.

You go out and let yourself be awkward. You go out and let yourself be nervous. And the absolute irony is, when you allow yourself to feel nervous, and when you allow yourself to feel awkward, it doesn't drive your behaviour quite as much.

And we all think we have to get rid of it. We all think we have to get rid of it. We get awkward about feeling awkward, and nervous about feeling nervous, and anxious about feeling anxious. We're like, we just need to get rid of it, because then I'll be more effective.

And the opposite is true. It's ironic. When you fully allow yourself to feel awkward, to feel nervous, you are so much calmer. Because you're not adding an extra layer of tension on top.

And this applies in conversations as well. Like, you meet someone, you feel nervous, you're like, “Well, this is a bit nervous, isn't it? I don't really know what to say. I always get really awkward in these sorts of situations.”

And I guarantee you, most of the time, that other person, if they're half human, will go, “Do you know what, me too. I find exactly the same.” Now you have common ground. It's the craziest thing.

So my invitation for you this week is to put yourself into those awkward situations. Even if it just proves to that part of your brain that you don't actually die.

Now listen, if you're feeling anxious about something and it is a threat to your life, please don't do it. That's not what I'm talking about here. Don't go and do something life-threatening.

Go and do something like asking for a refund, or practise saying no to somebody, or you will have it and you will know in your head what you're avoiding. Go and have a go at doing it. Go and have a go at being awkward. Go and have a go at being nervous. Go and have a go at feeling the fear and do it anyway, which is a brilliant book by Susan Jeffers, by the way, if you haven't read it yet.

So that's my invitation for you this week.

And what will happen if you practise that is, the other side of that awkwardness, and that other side of that discomfort, is the confidence that you are craving to have more of.

You don't get confidence sat in your comfort zone. I'm sorry to tell you, that is not how confidence comes. And you can't wait for confidence, because confidence isn't going to come along until you've done the uncomfortable thing. Until you've learned the new skill. Until you've learned whatever the new thing is that you're doing.

Confidence comes after, not before. So stop waiting for confidence. Go out and do the uncomfortable thing. And then confidence will come.

Have the most incredible week. And if this has resonated with you, and if you're not alone going, “Yes, that makes total sense, Nicky,” the next step for you would be to come to coaching. Come and experience having coaching with me, because I promise you, talking it through with somebody else is the most transformative thing, gift to give yourself.

Have an incredible week, and I'll speak to you again next week.

Bye-bye!