Ep #112 - How to Parent Your Teenager Through Exam Season

During exam season, it’s so easy as a parent to slip into panic, pressure and control — especially when your teenager doesn’t seem to be revising enough, sleeping enough, eating properly, or taking it all as seriously as you think they should.

But here’s the loving truth: you are not the one sitting the exam.

In this episode, I’m talking about how to support your teenager through GCSEs or exam season without making their results mean something about you, your parenting, or their future.

We’ll look at:

– how to separate the facts from your brain’s drama
 – why your teenager’s results are not a measure of your worth
 – how to step into calm authority instead of emotional panic
 – what you can control, and what you absolutely can’t
 – how to create a supportive home environment without trying to control their motivation

Because your job isn’t to force, nag or panic them into performing.

Your job is to parent the child who is sitting the exam — with calm, steadiness and love.

If exam season is bringing tension into your house, this episode is for you.

You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingWomensLifeCoach

If you'd like to have a chat about how I can help you further, please don't hesitate to click here & book a time with me, I'd love to meet you.

You can also follow me on IG @NickyBevan_LifeCoach

Transcript

Welcome, welcome, welcome, everyone, to this week's podcast episode. And I'm going to be very lovingly Talking to you about the exam season that's about to start. So, if you have a year 11 in the And they are about to take their GCSEs, which is the English equivalent here in the UK. There may be some tension in your house. So, we are going through this experience. I'm recording this on Thursday. My son's first exam is on Monday. He's actually had a couple of practical assessments already art. hospitality and catering, I think the PE one has also been more physical, anyway. But the actual sit-down proper, like, writing paper exams start on Monday. And they're always, it always fascinates me, because there seems to be this kind of. Sense around exams that they're hard, that they're difficult, that it's a stressful period.

And I get that that. is the case. This is new. there's a lot of pressure put on. GCSE results. Um, and I remember when I went through them. Quite a few years ago. How nervous I was. I was petrified. And I've been all we, because this has been my husband also. have been very conscious and very deliberate. With how we deal with our son Bodhi. And the nerves around. Exams. So, this… Um, podcast today. Isn't quite gonna be what maybe you're expecting. I have actually taken notes. I don't usually take notes, but for this episode, I wanted to take notes, because there's 3 things that I really want to cover. So what I want to just start off with, like I said very lovingly, because this may. aggravate and you off a little bit. The exam season. is not the time to be controlling your teenager.

Hear me out. This is the perfect opportunity, and this is the perfect time. To control your own nervous system. Your own thoughts? And the atmosphere that you choose to create at home. I just want to remind you… You are not the one sitting the exam. You are parenting the child who is sitting the exam, and they are two very different jobs. very different jobs. Your child's results. Has nothing. to do with your worth, As a human. It says nothing… about you as a parent. So please, please, please. Stop putting pressure on them to perform. When you make it mean their performance means something about you. They are two very different things. And it is not your child's job. To make you feel good. As a parent. They've got enough to deal with right now.

They don't need to be dealing with yours. And I say that with so much compassion. and so much love. I am beyond grateful. around the work that I have done on having my own back. So that my boys are not responsible. For my worth. That's my job, not theirs. Which then means, as their parent, as their mum, I am able to show up in a way that empowers them. Even when they're nervous. Rather than pressure them. So there were 3 things that I'm going to cover today. Being able to separate out the facts from your brain's drama. that as a parent… It's about stepping into a calm authority. Not emotional panic. And three, it's controlling the environment and your response. not trying to control their motivation. Because here's the thing, if the exams are starting on Monday, what they have or haven't revised now, is irrelevant.

So. Let me just say this before it goes out my head. My husband and I were thinking about going away this weekend. Um, which my boys were well up for, by the way, because they love being at home on their own. But there was kind of a little part of me that just thought, Actually… If they're home alone, they're not going to go to bed early. They're going to eat a load of . And Monday morning is going to be more challenging for them. Now. I'm up for that. I don't necessarily believe that they have to eat well all the time, that they have to be in bed early all the time. When we're away, they have freedom and they love it. But it didn't quite sit right for my son to have. Later nights and rubbish food. Leading up to the start of his exam. That wasn't.

It wasn't, doesn't feel right. That that was the start. Now, I can't control him, he may not choose to revise this weekend, But I can control… putting healthy food in front of him. I do have some influence over what time he goes to bed, if I'm around, so we're not gonna go away this weekend. We've decided not to. But let's talk about you. Let's talk about… controlling yourself, not controlling your teenager. Because this is the bit that you have control over, right? The only thing you get to control is you. I say this a lot in my podcast. You don't get to control the teenager. So let's look at separating out facts from your brain's drama. Um, let's just imagine for a second the fact might be that your teenager has a GCSE Monday morning. And they're currently on their phones, so we could prove the exam schedule, and we can prove they're on their phone.

Xbox, whatever. your teenager chooses to do. It might be reading, you know, there are some teenagers out there that love to read, but most are on a screen. So the fact is, GCSE Monday. Child on the phone. neutral, by the way. That scenario cannot make you feel anything until your brain gets involved. And your brain is gonna give you drama, because our brain. Science has proven is negatively biased. So this isn't unique to you. But your brain probably goes to, or may go to, something like… Oh my god, they want their food, they want their game, they're gonna fail, they don't care. I am not doing a good job, I need to make sure they revise. I need to make sure I sort this out immediately. So what happens there is the brain goes into drama. And that drama is what makes us as parents, nag.

Snap, catastrophize, start lecturing from panic. And, and the words that you use, I, you may be really. True, as in what you… what effort you put in will determine your results, but when done from frustration and drama, it's not gonna land very well. So, I've taught this before, that circumstances are neutral until your brain gives it a meaning. And our thoughts create how we feel and act. So… Here's the point of control. When you notice your brain go to that drama, acknowledge it. Take a deep breath. And just remind yourself in that moment of pause, that's your power pause. Your teenager's exam is not what's making you anxious. Your thoughts about that exam. It is what's making you anxious. Own that, because once you own it, you get to control it.

And then you get to choose what type of parent do I want to be. Now look, if you want to be a harsh forceful, dramatic parent, go for it, I'm not judging you. do… if that works, great. I'm going to imagine, though, that is not going to create a calm environment. And at a time when you want your teenager to be calm, You cannot influence that if your nervous system is calm. isn't calm, sorry. If you're in panic, you cannot calm someone down. It's impossible. You might try, but it fell off. It won't land. They won't get it. And I'm all for saying to a child, look. What you put in is what you're going to get out. Because ultimately, this is their future that they're choosing here, but they're not going to give about that, honestly. Because that prefrontal cortex.

Is it developed yet. So all they're going to be worried about is the very present moment. And if you've got a child that is incredibly stressed, Adding your stress and drama is not going to regulate them. So it's about coming back and going, do you know what? Honestly… So, like, worst case scenarios that your child fails. Like, and… I was that child, by the way. I didn't actually get good grades. I failed one of my GCSEs, and all of my grades were low. And I didn't die. My life has been amazing. It created resilience in me, nothing else. And so… The worst case is that they fell, and if they actually need that GCSE to go to the next stage, they get to do it again. Does that feel ? Yes. Will it teach them a good lesson? Yes. But the brain. Your child's brain is not going to be able to access any knowledge.

If it's in its survival state, You are not going to be able to parent calmly if you are in your survival state. So, separating out the facts from your brain's drama. With compassion, this is not a judgment exercise. starts to give you your control. And then you, once you're in control of you and your nervous system is calmed by you realizing. I'm creating this panic. Nothing is fine, no one's life is on the line here. And you breathe, and you calm your nervous system down, then you get to access your wisdom and the type of parent you want to be. And that might sound like… Hey, child of mine. It's because I love you that I really want you to do your best. Not for my sake, for yours. And if you're trying to get… if you want… okay, I'm going to be really fucking blunt here for a second.

If you are trying to get your child to perform at a high level, because that means that then you are better, That is your bullshit to figure out. That is not fair to put that onto your child. You may have been given that as a child because your parents didn't have, or your carers didn't have the ability to manage their mind and emotions. But if you've been listening to my podcast for a while, you will know now that you are responsible for how you feel. Not your child, not the exams. So I love you. Sort your out if that's you. Don't put it on your child because it will create a disconnect. And as a loving mum. That is not what you're going to want to create, especially over this weekend, It's a connection that we want to create. Okay, I got tough on you there, but I love you.

So, then let's look at, once you've separated out the fats from your brain's drama, Let's then look at parenting from a calm authority rather than an emotional panic. So, if the GCSEs could make you think. that you need to be more controlling, that you need to say, right, you know, get off your screens, you need to be reading, da-da-da-da-da. But actually, teenagers need steadiness. Teenagers need a grounded, loving. parent. And from love, that might sound like no. You're not going to be having a late night. But what your child doesn't need is a parent spiralling. And shouting at them. Have you revised? Have you done past papers? Why are you eating cereal at midnight? Why aren't you going to bed? Why, why, why? That's not what they need. Right now, especially if your child is really anxious.

They need you loving them right now, more than ever, even with their anxiety, even with their nervousness. So wouldn't it be so much more empowering to catch yourself have compassion for that side of you that's panicking. That's going to enable you to have compassion for your child. That doesn't mean being soft, passive, or letting them do whatever they want, by the way. But it does mean for you, pausing long enough to choose what kind of parent do I want to be in this moment. And for me, Personally, I always come back to love. I always come back to love. It's because I love you so deeply, Bodhi. that I am going to feed you healthy food this weekend. And I'm going to invite you to have an early night. What he chooses to do is really up to him.

But very rarely… Does he complain about that? Because it makes sense. He will know that on some level. Your daughter will know that on some level. But when you're… tense and anxious, they're gonna match, and then we're defensive, and then we shout, and then we argue. Totally ineffective. But when you're focused on you, and you're choosing to calm yourself, you are going to be more calm and grounding influence for them. So it's about… Parenting from a calm, grounded, and it starts with looking at you, because your teenagers are already carrying enough pressure. Don't hang your unmanaged expectation on them as well. Calm your nervous system. And you will be a better influence for them. Okay, so then let's talk about the 3rd thing. controlling the environment and your response, not trying to control their motivation.

Because here's the problem here. You cannot force a child to care. You cannot climb inside their brain and make them revise. Annoying, I know! Wouldn't it be amazing If we had a magic wand, and all the teenagers wanted to eat all the healthy food, have sleep, Get the flush air revised and do it willingly, but it doesn't fucking happen. It's not… How the world works. How annoying that is, or not. What you can control… is whether you… have a calm conversation, a supportive conversation. It's whether your house has some form of structure around sleep. Around food, around lifts. So my husband and I are going to sit down and make sure that we know exactly who's doing the school run, Every day next week, because what we don't want to do is get to a morning when Bo needs to be at school going, are you going, are we going?

We want to have that covered. So that's in your control, to sit down and have that plan, so that your study, that your calm, So that you know the expectations, That will influence your child. You don't get to control them, but you do get to influence them. And you then get to control. Whether you stop making their exam results mean something about your parenting because it does not. Like I said, I failed. some of my GCSEs. I got no grades. Does that mean my parents were ? No. It meant that that wasn't my skill set. That had nothing to do with my parenting. Nothing to do with my parenting. And you won't be listening to this podcast if you didn't care about being a parent. So I'm just going to assume you do. Because if you really didn't give a , you wouldn't be listening to me.

You wouldn't find me in the first place. So… The… The line that I'm going to come back to. Two things. You can only control you and calm your nervous system down. That will help. ground and control your teenager. Three things. Nervousness and anxiety is not a problem. As long as you're willing to invite in, and you can encourage your teenager to invite it in, Tell them about naming their primal brain, explain that that primal brain literally thinks they're about to die and they're not. They can perform very effectively with nervousness. No, not allowing nervousness to drive their actions. But just allowing nervousness to be a companion. And the ability to switch their brain on, and the adrenaline that that creates, It fueled effectively will stimulate the knowledge in their brain.

But if they're nervous about feeling nervous and anxious about feeling anxious, they're going to go into survival, their wisdom will be shut off. So I'm gonna… and then the third thing is… With so much love, you are not the one sitting the exam. You are parenting the child who is sitting the exam. And wouldn't it be amazing. If you said to your child, which is what I have already done and will definitely be doing, Monday morning. I know you are going to do your best. I love you regardless of the outcome. Imagine that. Imagine for your child that they get to hear that, Going into their exam, regardless of the outcome. I love you so much, like, hold their face, look them in the eye when you're telling them that. Because isn't that the truest thing ever?

Honestly! You love them no matter what. Let them know that! Because at a point where their brain is freaking out, and they don't have the adult. brain to calm them down, that's all any of us want to hear. So do that over this weekend. control the environment, control your response, don't control their motivation. Parent from a calm authority, not an emotional panic. and separate out your facts. The facts, sorry, from your brain's drama. And choose to love your child. Choose to love them, choose to see them in their highest. In their highest, most incredible form, even if they've done no revision, even if all they want to do is game. See them in their highest form anyway. Because that is going to be so much more powerful for their energetics.

Okay. That's all I have for you this week. Focus on you. Focus on controlling your nervous system and calming yourself down. And really choose… the parent that you want to be over this weekend. And as the GCSEs progress. I love you so much. I will be thinking of you as we're going through this time. And if you want to chat further about it, let's have a conversation, because I would love. to help you. Have the most incredible week. And I'll speak to you all next week. Bye-bye.