Ep #113 - When Shame Made Me Hide

In this episode, I’m sharing something a bit more personal.

After avoiding recording the podcast for a couple of weeks, I got curious about what was really going on underneath it. And what I found was shame.

Shame around not being where I think I “should” be. Shame around money. Shame around consistency. Shame around that horrible little voice that says, “Who the fuck are you to be doing this?”

But here’s the thing — shame makes us hide. It keeps us quiet. It stops us showing up. And if we’re not careful, we let it drive our behaviour without even realising.

So in this episode, I’m talking about what shame actually does, how it shows up, and how we can begin to create safety around it instead of letting it keep us small.

Because nothing changes if your habits don’t change.

And you are allowed to expand.

In this episode, I talk about:

•  Why shame makes us want to hide 
•  The difference between facts and your brain’s drama 
•  How “should” thoughts make us feel like shit 
•  Money, self-worth and emotional safety 
•  Why creating new habits matters if you want a different life 
•  Choosing expansion, even when your brain wants to run away 

You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingWomensLifeCoach

If you'd like to have a chat about how I can help you further, please don't hesitate to click here & book a time with me, I'd love to meet you.

You can also follow me on IG @NickyBevan_LifeCoach

Transcript

Welcome, welcome, welcome to this week's podcast. And it's actually going to be a little bit of a personal share today. And I do also feel quite emotional. We had a huge full moon last night. Uh, and apparently this full moon is all about letting go. And, uh, it's the joyous first day of my period, which is always… A more emotional, precious time of my month.

So, I wanted to start off, and I don't actually know where this podcast is gonna go today, but I wanted to start off by… noticing. And you may have noticed, or you may not, I mean, my brain is convinced you wouldn't have noticed, but maybe you have. that I haven't actually done a podcast for a couple of weeks. And.

I was looking. I usually love… like, this is one of my most favourite things to do, is come on and talk to you every week, or interview someone. It literally is one of my most favourite things to do. And so when I realized that I hadn't… I had been avoiding it, I was like, ooh, this is curious, let's get a little bit fascinated with what's happening. And I realized I was feeling a lot of shame. A lot of shame.

And shame wants us to hide away. It literally wants us to hide away, do nothing. And stay hidden, it's what shame makes us do. Now, I could have the excuse that it was the half-term holidays last week, and the weather has been just gorgeous here in the UK. I could have had the excuse that I hadn't put it in my calendar, so time just ran away with me. And those two things are true.

But the reason that they're excuses is because shame is driving… has been driving my behavior. It's been… Holding me back.

And so when I then got even more curious about shame, I'm like, okay, why am I feeling shame? And it's mostly… well, there are two reasons, and here we go, here comes the tears. My brain is convinced one. No one really wants to hear from me. No one wants to hear from you, Nikki. Like, who the fuck are you to talk to people about what you do? Really? So that's one.

But the other reason is because. I'm not creating the consistent income. In my life. that I want to create. And because of that… My husband is now having to do a job that he doesn't want to do. And so my brain is having this field day around the fact that I'm not good enough. that I haven't figured my shit out yet, that I should be further ahead, that I should be making more money.

And so it makes sense. that when I've got either of those thoughts. I'm going to feel shame. Because shame comes from, I've done something wrong. I, I, no, no, I've done something wrong. I am wrong. Shame is, there's something wrong with me. I am wrong. Oh, this is really cute. there's this little squirrel, I wonder if I could show you on YouTube, a little squirrel is, oh, digging up my flowers in my thing, can you see that? It just caught my eye, it's got something in its mouth, and it's digging it into my flower pot. Look at that!

So, if you're listening to this, I'm sorry for the diversion, but look at that cute little squirrel! Not really cute, this, digging up my flower pot. But what a lovely distraction, so if you are listening to this on… on the… on, you know, Audible, on listening, then go and watch this on YouTube, because it's really cute! I mean, not with my flowers. It's actually quite shit that my flowers are getting beat anyway. I could just get Stay Distracted now, we could have Squirrel Tube, couldn't we? It's very pretty. I do… I did decide the other day that if I was gonna be an animal, I would be a squirrel, because they have so much fun. Anyway…

But that was a distraction. It's still there. Back to the podcast, Nikki. And shame. Whenever we put should into a sentence, it always makes us feel like shit. Always.

And usually, we're arguing with reality. So, the facts are, currently… I'm not bringing in a consistent income. And… I have had months where I've earned £7,000 profit. And then I've had… single level all the way down to nothing. And so, when you're running a business, it's very hard to forecast. What you're gonna have and when you're gonna have it, because part of it is out of your control. And now, I love my business. I don't intend to stop. I intend to learn the business skills and the sales skills to make it incredibly successful. And I have a desire to have a business where my husband doesn't even need to fucking work. He could just not work. He could do all the house shit that I don't want to do.

He can go on holiday if he wants to, but I really have a huge desire to create a business that. makes me money in a way that enhances the world. So, through speaking engagements, through corporate workshops, through one-on-one coaching with amazing clients that really want to change their life. I'm here for that. I get very fired up about helping people learn they have a choice, because most of us, I mean, you've been, if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you may be starting to learn this now, but most of us. think we don't have a choice. And when we think we don't have a choice, we feel shame. Shit. Like… Shit.

And so. My brain has been convinced that I don't have a choice. I don't have a choice about people buying my products. I don't have a choice about people wanting to coach with me, or hear me speak, or have a workshop for their team. I didn't have a choice. And my default personality trait is a victim mentality, which, when I learned, ironically, I had the response that was. Why do I have to be the victim? Why me?

And so what do we do about this? Like if you're experiencing something similar. or… and if it's not shame, if it's anxiety, or nervousness, or embarrassment, or fear… I mean, it all boils down to fear, right? But if you have noticed that there is an emotion in your life that has been. Driving your behaviour in a way that you don't want to behave and getting you results that you don't want to be getting.

What have we got to do about it? And I've been asking myself this question over the weekend. I. I'm not a massive journaler. Like when I first started managing my mind, I journaled every day in order to start to learn what my brain was telling me. But what I realized that it was just coming out with the same shit every day. I'm like, what is the point of this?

However, I do believe that there is power of putting… pen in hand to paper. Like, old-fashioned pen and pencil, pen and paper, and writing out. Your existence, writing out the life that you want. And I had this awareness at the weekend. that… I just… said to myself, and I actually ended up saying it out loud. Well, Nikki… Nothing's going to change if your habits don't change. I'm going to say that again. Nothing's gonna change. In your life.

If your habits don't change. And I was a bit… mind blown by that statement that my higher wisdom gave me. Because the way that our lives are is by the habits. That we have. Whether that's health. Physical health, like. You know, well-being, physical strength, mental strength, emotional strength. Whether that's the habit of cooking good food, not eating sugar, doing yoga every day, going out for a walk. looking at your finances. Like, the habits that you have or don't have are gonna create. Your life.

And so when I realized this thought. If I don't. like, nothing's gonna change in my life if I don't change my habits, I was like, well, shit. What do I do with this? So I went back to my ABC. Well, first of all, I have to acknowledge the shame. And I have to create safety around the shame. I have to create safety around this shame, so this is what I did.

Now, you've heard me talk about processing emotions before, so I did that with shame, I recognized it, I processed it, I handled my heart, I told myself I was safe. But here's what I also did. I sat down with my pink pen and with my black notepad. And I said, I asked myself, I actually did this. this morning after my swim at the river, because I tend to find, actually, if you go out in nature, sometimes this is an easier process to do. Your brain is just… I don't know, karma, it feels like.

But I'm going to read out. What? I realized I need to start owning. From a thought perspective. And then I'm going to talk about some habits that I really want to start getting into. Some of them I've started doing. But I'm going to read this out. So, what I discovered was… I needed to create a safety around, around evolving, around expanding, around. changing the identity of someone who makes a fuckton of money? Like, who… what is her nervous system like when it comes to her business?

And so I wrote, I'm safe to evolve. I'm safe to receive more money. To have more money. Whilst it is not what I observed and experienced as a child, it is completely safe for me to earn the money, to be the breadwinner, to be a successful businesswoman who earns a minimum of 6K a month profit consistently. I am safe to receive consistently. I am safe to have a regular flow of money, love, and gratitude. I'm safe to receive an overflow of money. love, and gratitude. I am 100% worthy exactly as I am. I am consistently loved. And I am safe. To expand.

And so, when I wrote that out. And then when I practiced saying it out loud. Everything in my body has just calmed down a little bit. Because I realized, especially around money, there was. I was nervous. I… I have this… part of my brain has this opinion that having more money is going to be a heavy responsibility, that it would be hard.

But fuck me if right now is not hard in mine and Johnny's life. Like, not knowing how your bills are gonna be paid the next month is hard. It's not like… Not having money is easy because it's really not. So that reconditioning, that work on calming my nervous system down so that I'm able to expand into the businesswoman that I want to be is vital. And it's uncomfortable. And it requires an honesty with yourself. As well as the people that you love the most. And that's why I get so fired up about emotional resilience.

Because if you haven't got that skill of processing the shame, of processing the embarrassment, of processing the… the nervousness or the anxiety, your life will be held back from it. If I hadn't have gone through this awareness, I may have not have done a podcast for another couple of weeks. That's not okay. Like, that's not the person that I want to be.

So, I would love to invite you to sit down and do this exercise with so much compassion and with so much fascination. Ask yourself, what is the emotion. That is currently driving your behavior. No judgement. Go back and listen to one of the, uh, my previous episodes on processing and emotion. And then sit down, and write out, and then say out loud what it is you actually need to do to create the life. that you want. And I'm not saying what that should be. I don't think that every person should go out and run their own business. I don't think every person should be self-employed. If that's not your desire, don't bother doing it because it's tough. Go to work and have a tough work. Like either one's difficult. You've got to want to do it.

And if you don't do it, that's fine. Do this work around your employed work. Because there is something incredible about having a job. That covers your bills. And that contributes to society and that allows you to buy food for your children and clothes for your children. And and there is something incredible about having this security that that gives you. It is perceived security. People could be made redundant at any time, but… You can plan to a certain degree. You don't hold a shame around that. This isn't about. Me telling you this is what you should do with your life. This is you being very deliberate about going. What do i want to create.

And then going forward and creating it. With emotional resilience as your key skill. And if you feel like you don't have the emotional, resilient skill, then please. Get in touch with me, because coaching with me is going to teach you that. If you are willing to invest in yourself. Your life will fundamentally change because of it. not… I'm not saying you're going to go out and win the lottery. I mean, you might. Wouldn't that be amazing? But… What I mean is, you will learn to manage yourself so that you are so much… so that you are grounded when life goes to shit.

Because it does go to shit, at times. And so if you're ready to do that work, if you're ready to… Invest in the future you that you want to be, however that looks, then please, in the show notes will be a link to a consultation. This work matters. Learning how to manage your mind and manage your emotion matters not just to you, but also for the people around you, the people you lead, whether that's at work or at home. It matters, and it starts with you.

Thank you very much for listening to me today.

Thank you very much for allowing the squirrel distraction. It's disappeared now.

And I have recorded another podcast already for next week. I actually recorded it in my car. Um, I was so inspired by the, um… by the topic. It was something that we experienced a couple of weeks ago as a family. So, that's gonna come out next week, but I'm back on it. I'm back on it, it's in my calendar, um… I have got valuable things to share with you, despite what my brain… Believes, or part of my brain believes. And I will look forward to speaking to you next week. Have an amazing week.

If you're in the UK. I hope you're enjoying the gorgeous weather we've been having, and I can't wait to speak to you again next week. Bye-bye!