Ep #118 - Stop Apologising for What You Know

Have you ever found yourself shrinking back, downplaying what you know, or apologising for your experience before you’ve even said the sentence?

In this episode, I’m talking about how to start stepping into your authority — especially when you’re in a space where people might underestimate you, dismiss you, or see you as less experienced than you actually are.

Because here’s the truth: you do not need to apologise for your wisdom. You do not need to make yourself smaller so other people feel more comfortable. And you do not need to wait for someone else to validate you before you start holding yourself differently.

I’m sharing five practical steps to help you begin shifting the way you see yourself, speak about yourself, and show up in your work and life — even when it feels uncomfortable.

This episode is for you if you know, deep down, that you’re capable, experienced and powerful… but you’re ready to actually start believing it.

You’ll learn:

• Why other people’s first impression of you is not yours to control
• How your own identity shapes the way you hold yourself
• Why discomfort is part of confidence-building
• The importance of celebrating small wins
• How to begin stepping into the woman you already know you are

Stop apologising for what you know. It’s time to own it.

You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingWomensLifeCoach

If you'd like to have a chat about how I can help you further, please don't hesitate to click here & book a time with me, I'd love to meet you.

You can also follow me on IG @NickyBevan_LifeCoach

Transcript

Welcome, welcome, welcome everyone to this week's podcast. And we're doing things beautifully, imperfectly today. I don't have any… if you're watching me on YouTube, I don't have any mascara on. That's by design. I'm going to be having a hypnotherapy session in a minute. Usually, I end up crying. I don't want the mascara all down my face. you can see clothes… they're clean, but they're screwed up on my sofa because I'm waiting for a teenager to move them, and I think you can just see the other teenager moving there. Here we go. So, this is… this is life happening around me, but I really wanted to. to record this podcast today, because… A couple of weeks ago, I was at a party. And I met this really gorgeous young lady. I don't actually know how old she was, we didn't get to the specifics of her age. Um, and I won't name her, because she didn't give me permission to do so. Um, but she was a custody sergeant, and had… for the police force, and was working in quite a male…
dominated space. And… Very quickly, I could sense that. She wasn't stepping into her authority or her experience. In her job. And. She was a beautiful. Beautiful woman. And what tends to happen… Is we… people then perceive us as this… Pretty little thing. Aww, what a pretty little woman. Nice little girl. And they don't… people, especially when they're pissed or they're being arrested, right, they're not going to be in their necessarily highest state or their highest wisdom themselves. And so I was talking to her about what I do. She asked me this brilliant question. As I said to her about stepping into her authority. Stepping into her experience. Starting to shift that identity. And she said. But where do I even start with that? How do I even start to do that? And at that point in our conversation. it was at a wedding, the couple had their first dance, so we got interrupted, and so I said to her, I'm gonna do a podcast, I'm gonna answer that question.
Where do you start? If you. Have had an experience where. People perceive you. in one way, so I don't mean less than, because it… and I don't think this is all men that do that at all, like, that's not… this isn't going to be a slagging off men situation at all, because I don't do that, I don't agree with it at all. But when people have… people… when people meet you, they instantly will form an opinion, right or wrong. They form an opinion. We all do it. It's what humans do. We ca- we cannot… Choose… how someone perceives us initially. We have no choice, that is not within our control. It's not our business. to try and manipulate people's thinking about us. How people perceive you is none of your business. When you start to hold yourself in an authority, and as… and having experience in your job. The way that you hold yourself and the energy that you stand in will influence, then, the people that you're dealing with.
But it starts with you. And this particular girl, she said… first of all, she said, I don't mean to blow my own trumpet, but… I know more than my male colleagues. I'm really experienced. I actually know more than them. I was like, first of all, don't ever apologize for your wisdom. Ever an experience. And two, really start to step into it. So I said I would record this podcast for her. But it helps all of us in any situation, right? Especially in the workplace, especially if you are dealing with, um… People that don't take you as seriously as you know you should be taken.
So there's five… I've been thinking about it, and I really think there are five steps. And these steps are really simple, they're not always easy. And it actually can take quite a lot of courage in order to start looking at yourself, because that's what we need to do here. We need to start looking at you, your identity, how you talk about yourself, how you feel about yourself, how you hold yourself. So then, when someone makes a snarky comment, or when someone doesn't. Really listen to you. You. You are holding yourself at a higher state.
And so the first thing I think everybody needs to do is just get themselves a coach. Doesn't have to be me, but coaching really allows you to sit with someone. Hopefully that you trust, and that person who's going to very lovingly call out. your belief systems. Basically call out your bullshit. Because our brain likes to tell us lies, and if we haven't started to look inward, we won't know about the lies that we're telling ourselves. You'll think the way that you describe yourself is fact, and it won't be. It won't be.
So the first thing, I always think everyone should get a coach. But if you're not in a position yet to invest in a coach. The first… the second step is a willingness to look at your thoughts, your current belief system. So, thoughts… We have sentences in our heads, the way that we describe situations. When we repeat those sentences over and over again, it becomes a belief. And our belief then feels true to us, and is how we run our lives. So, we really need to start looking at our belief system. Now, if you're not able to actually talk through this with somebody. The best way that I know to do this is to write stuff down. So, get a pen, get a piece of paper. and start to look at answering the questions, who do I think I am? Like, who am I? Or who do I think I am? Not in a who-do-you-think-you-are kind of way, but curiously. who do I currently think I am? Honestly, like, be honest with yourself here.
And any descriptive word, positive or negative, is not a fact. So this is going to give you a really good indication of what you currently believe about you. And if you're not shifting that terminology, and you're not practicing owning your experience. And instead of whatever it is that you've wrote down, and it might be something like, I'm a silly little girl, I'm not clever enough, I'm too young, um, men don't look… men don't listen to me, um, no one takes me seriously. All of these sorts of beliefs that you are holding is going to be keeping you small. And then we want to start shifting them. And a brilliant exercise here is to look at someone who you respect, someone in authority who you respect. It could be a celebrity. It could be someone in your personal life. It doesn't matter. Someone at work really doesn't matter. But what is it about them that you respect? And what do you think they're thinking?
And then you get to practice that thought. So, I have very consciously and deliberately practiced, I am a fucking good coach. I'm a fucking good coach. I'm not the coach for everybody. But because I step into that belief. it shifts my energy. So when I'm talking to people, and I believe I'm a good coach, that's gonna come across, because I'm not… I'm not apologizing, I'm not staying small, I'm not staying quiet, I'm very lovingly speaking my truth. And that influences people. You don't get to control them, but you get to influence them. So, starting to look at your thoughts, starting to very deliberately look at people and go, right, okay. Who do I want to be? How do I want to act? And then what have I got to be believing about myself in order to. act that way. Because our thoughts create our feelings, our feelings drive our actions and our behaviour. So, number two is willing to look at your current thoughts and starting to shift them.
The third… Step. Is having a willingness to be uncomfortable. The identity that got you here, got you to this point in your life, very… Um, brilliantly as well, by the way, especially if you are in a leadership role. That identity isn't going to get you to your next growth phase. And there is an uncomfortableness. attached to letting go of an identity. It's really uncomfortable to let go of parts of us, especially when those parts worked. You know, especially when, um, a behavior kept us safe, people-pleasing, as an example. Um, you know, staying quiet. They kept us safe. So we can thank that part of us, but that part of it isn't going to grow us, it's not going to get us to our next state. And so, that willingness to be uncomfortable has to be there, because change for the brain is uncomfortable. The first time you deal with a client differently, the first time you… you know, maybe say to a colleague, actually, I disagree, I think it's this, or the next… you know, the next time you do something that isn't your natural behaviour, it's going to be really fucking uncomfortable.
Until that new behavior becomes normal.
So, I had an exa… I have… I have an example of this at the weekend. Where I have gotten so comfortable in who I am, I like who I am. At the weekend, I was actually manning a gate. And people could only come in if they were members. And I had 5 men turn up. They were all bigger than I was. They didn't speak English, or they claimed they didn't speak English, and instantly I was like… I joked with them, I was like, I don't know, I think you can understand… a lot more than what you're pretending. And I'm smiling and I'm joking, because inside, I felt very calm. I wasn't angry, I wasn't frustrated, I wasn't engaging in any sort of fear, I was very calm. Because I've got myself. And so I said to them, I said, you could come in and look. But if you want to stay, you have to pay. And so they came in and then they looked. And then they came over to me, and they were… the five of them were like, why do we have to pay? Why do… why… why should we have to pay? Why this? Why that? And I was like, look, this is a membership space.
if you want to stay, you're going to pay. And they were like, no, we just look, we just look. I said, okay, great. You've looked, you've done that now. It's time to leave if you're not going to pay. And because I was so. Solid in my belief. I wasn't frustrated. I wasn't trying to prove myself. I wasn't being bolshy or like I wasn't trying to enforce my authority on them. I was just very calmly, very lovingly. No. No. You can look, you've looked, you now leave. Now, I know that if they had chose to stay, there was fuck all I could do about it. I would have had to have let that go. But the point is, when you've got yourself, when you have… when you act from a calmness. it has such a powerful influence on people, because so many of us, we get, like, an approving energy, and we get defiant, and we get, like, I'm experienced, I know best, you should listen to me. And that energy… pisses people off. You will have experienced this. And so then you both come up, you try and sort of battle each other.
And it's totally ineffective. Totally ineffective. Whereas when you're just very calm, and you're very grounded, and you're like, no, this is what's going to happen. Or you say to someone. Can you please listen to me? I am very experienced in my role. Whether they believe you or not, that's none of your business. If you step into that belief, you will have an influence. There will still be people out there that are complete and utter dicks. complete and utter bitches, and they're never going to listen to anybody. That's on them. That says so much more about them than it ever does about you. But when you step into your authority and your karma and you've got yourself. That only has an influence. On people. You can't argue with that energy. People don't articulate it, they may not understand it, but they sense it on some level, because we are energetic creatures. So that's the third, but it takes a willingness to be uncomfortable. Like, the only reason I can stand there and say to these five men who are bigger than me, no, now you have to leave, with a smile on my face, was because I've practiced being really fucking uncomfortable, and I'm okay with it.
It's not a problem I don't add drama!
And the fourth is to celebrate the small wins. You are constantly learning. When you're shifting an identity, you're gonna do things the old way. You're gonna drop back. You're gonna be, you know, the people pleaser, or the good girl, or the, you know, the… Whatever it is that you think you are. But every time you step towards your future self, the new identity, stepping into that bold, grounded wisdom that you experience, that you actually know you have, the knowledge that's in your head that you know you can access. Celebrate even the tiniest, tiny little moment you do that. That was a shift. That was a change in behavior. I did that slightly differently this time. Celebrate it, because no other fucker's gonna celebrate you for it. Especially in England, that's just generally not what our society does. We're like, oh no. You know, don't… don't, um… Oh, the phrase has totally just gone from my head.
No, don't get too big for your boots. Don't be bragging. Bollocks. Celebrate it. Celebrate it.
And then the fifth step is to repeat it. Repeat that, looking at your thoughts, being willing to be uncomfortable. Celebrating the small wins. Repeat. Look at your thoughts. Be willing to be uncomfortable. Celebrate your wins. Repeat. Look at your thoughts. Be willing to be uncomfortable. Celebrate your wins. Repeat.
So, step one is get a coach. Of course, I'm gonna say that. It changed my life, it would change yours if you're willing to find the investment for it. Just like you would go on a holiday, instead of going on a holiday for two weeks, put that money into a coach, because that's going to change your life. The holiday gives you a nice memory, but it won't change your life. Investing in a coach fundamentally will. Have a willingness to look at your thoughts. 3. Have a willingness to be uncomfortable, because any change in behaviour, any change in identity, comes with a discomfort. The other side of that discomfort is the self-confidence that you desperately want. Four, celebrate all the little wins. And then 5, just repeat that over and over and over again.
And if you want to know a little bit more about your thoughts, a little bit more about your emotions and the discomfort, just go back through my podcast. If you go right back to the beginning, I've got a whole welcome series that's talked specifically about each one in more depth. go back, look at all of those, and start to practice what you are hearing. Because it's not listening that changes, it's actually putting that into practice. I really hope this helps you, and I hope if you are the lady that I was talking to at the party, it was gorgeous to meet you, and I hope to see you again at maybe another event. And you are incredible, so choose to start believing that to be true, and step into that authority. Have an amazing week, everybody, and I'll speak to you next week. Mwah! Bye-bye!