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The Motherhood Mentor
Welcome to The Motherhood Mentor Podcast your go-to resource for moms seeking holistic healing and transformation. Hosted by mind-body somatic healing practitioner and holistic life coach Becca Dollard.
Join us as we explore the transformative power of somatic healing, offering practical tools and strategies to help you navigate overwhelm, burnout, and stress. Through insightful conversations, empowering stories, and expert guidance, you'll discover how to cultivate resilience, reclaim balance, and thrive in every aspect of your life while still feeling permission to be a human. Are you a woman who is building a business while raising babies who refuses to burnout? These are conversations and support for you.
We believe in the power of vulnerability, connection, and self-discovery, and our goal is to create a space where you feel seen, heard, and valued.
Whether you're juggling career, family, or personal growth, this podcast is your sanctuary for holistic healing and growth all while normalizing the ups and downs, the messy and the magic, and the wild ride of this season of motherhood.
Your host:
Becca is a mom of two, married for 14years to her husband Jay living in Colorado. She is a certified somatic healing practitioner and holistic life coach to high functioning moms. She works with women who are navigating raising babies, building businesses, and prioritizing their own wellbeing and healing. She understands the unique challenges of navigating being fully present in motherhood while also wanting to be wildly creative and ambitious in her work. The Motherhood Mentor serves and supports moms through 1:1 coaching, in person community, and weekend retreats.
Follow on IG: @themotherhoodmentor , send me a dm and let me know you found me through the podcast!
Website: https://www.the-motherhood-mentor.com/
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The Motherhood Mentor
Meltdowns and resets with Samantha Hawley
🎙️ Episode Overview: In this inspiring episode of the Motherhood Mentor Podcast, we sit down with Samantha Hawley, a single mom and journaling enthusiast, to explore how journaling can be a game-changer for managing the emotional ups and downs of motherhood.
đź“ť Journaling Through the Storm: Samantha shares her personal journey of using journaling as a powerful tool to navigate the emotional challenges of parenting, especially after her divorce. She reveals how writing has helped her process intense emotions and offers valuable insights for other moms seeking a similar path to emotional clarity.
🌪️ Handling Emotional Overwhelm: We delve into the complexities of emotional parenting, addressing the overwhelming feelings that come with balancing responsibilities and children’s needs. Samantha provides practical advice on creating reset rituals, setting boundaries, and fostering self-awareness to better manage emotional stress.
👩‍👧‍👦 Embracing Emotional Expression: Learn about the natural ways children express emotions versus how adults might suppress them. Samantha highlights strategies for fostering healthier emotional dynamics within the family and shares techniques like movement, breath work, and visualization to support emotional regulation.
💡 Practical Tips for Moms: From setting boundaries to managing unexpected toddler responses, Samantha’s advice is filled with actionable tools to help mothers reclaim their sense of self and improve their emotional well-being. Whether you’re dealing with intense meltdowns or looking for ways to boost self-care, this episode is packed with empowering strategies.
🔗 Stay Connected: Don’t miss out on future episodes! Subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with other moms who could benefit from Samantha’s insights. Connect with us on social media and tag @themotherhoodmentor to share your experiences and thoughts.
About Samantha:
Samantha is a Journal Coach who's experienced many life transitions that accompany big emotions. Everything from moving 8 times in 10 years, going through pregnancy & new mom life, getting divorced, and feeling complacent and unfulfilled in her Corporate job. She didn't feel safe opening up about her big feelings anywhere except her journal.
A beautiful thing transpired after she began writing: she discovered her voice, elevated her self worth & started living her life more intentionally. Now, she coaches her clients who are also going through transitions how to create the same level of awareness, inner peace & 'untethered joy' in their own lives through journaling. They learn to create a habit out of journaling so that they can always feel validated, hopeful & identify the next step as their life unfolds.
Connect with her:
Website
Instagram
How to Start Journaling
Join us next time as we continue to explore the multifaceted journey of motherhood, offering more practical advice and inspiring stories.
Thank you for tuning in to The Motherhood Mentor. Your journey to a more balanced and empowered life starts here!
Join us next time as we continue to explore the multifaceted journey of motherhood.
Thank you for tuning in to The Motherhood Mentor. If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review us.
Stay connected with us on social media and share your thoughts and experiences tagging @themotherhoodmentor
Welcome to the Motherhood Mentor Podcast. I'm Becca, a somatic healing practitioner and a holistic life coach for moms, and this podcast is for you. You can expect honest conversations and incredible guests that speak to health, healing and growth in every area of our lives. This isn't just strategy for what we do. It's support for who we are. I believe we can be wildly ambitious while still holding all of our soft and hard humanity as holy. I love combining deep inner healing with strategic systems and no-nonsense talk about what this season is really like. So grab whatever weird health beverage you're currently into and let's get into it.
Speaker 1:Welcome to today's episode of the Motherhood Mentor Podcast. Today, I have the incredible Samantha on with me and we dive into meltdowns. So if you are dealing with child meltdowns or you feel like, as a mom, you are melting down, you are definitely going to want to tune into this episode. We also talk about journaling, how you can get into journaling, how journaling impacted Samantha's journey and really helped her become more aware of not just what she was doing but how she was feeling, and even gave her tools to show up in new ways. This is such a great episode and I'm so excited to share with you, so let's dive in. Samantha, I am so excited to have you today on the podcast. We are going to talk a little bit about meltdowns, but before we jump into the good stuff, I just want you to introduce yourself, so if people are new to you, they can find out more.
Speaker 2:Hi, yes, I'm so excited to be here. So let's see me in a nutshell. I'm Samantha Hawley, I live near Buffalo, new York, and I have a three, almost four-year-old son. He'll be four in October, his name is Griffin and I'm a single mom.
Speaker 2:I actually got divorced when my son was nine months old and I used journaling and therapy but mostly journaling as my tool to process all of the big emotions. First is just being a new mom. I started off journaling many, many years ago, but it was more so like positive affirmations and like I am statements, you know. Or it was gratitude, like I'm, you know, I am grateful for my healthy body, or I am grateful for this sunny day or something.
Speaker 2:And then it wasn't until I really allowed myself to honor how hard motherhood was as a new mom and how difficult it was to like manage being a mom and running my business and being a wife and all of the things that I turned to journaling to just really vent. I didn't really think of it as journaling. I was like I just need this out of my brain and to like process this all and it just felt so good that I kept like coming back to it and through throughout those pages I kind of came up with a unique process that feels good, and I always leave my journaling pages and journaling entries with action steps that kind of get me closer to where I want to be. So, as a single mom of an almost four-year-old, with full custody too, it's like my life is busier and crazier than ever, but it feels good and peaceful and I get excited to share that with others.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm so excited to learn more about your journaling method. I think journaling is one of those things that people get really overwhelmed, overthinking it, like it's just so simple. Um, for me, you know, I've been in a weird funk lately and I was kind of overthinking it and then all of a sudden I was like wait, I just I really just need to get out a journal and put pen to paper and have a place to process. I think there's so much going on mentally, emotionally, and there's so much coming out us. I feel like journaling is a way to help us integrate and process and get it out of our heads and bodies and be able to kind of in a healthy way. I think people think disassociation is a bad thing, but I think there's also a healthy like space and sometimes putting it on paper gives you enough like space from the thing.
Speaker 2:Yes, I love that healthy dissociation and, like you said, it's so simple. But I think, since it is so simple, so many people put expectations around it and almost like standards, like they need to journal for a certain amount of time or for a full page, or they need to have perfect grammar. That's a really big one that I see with my clients. They get nervous to journal because they don't write well, whatever that means, and I'm like my pages are so messy. Today I wrote the word realistic but I wrote it like real R-E-A-L-I-S-T-I like completely incorrect and I'm like it just flows and I'm like I don't even go back and read it. So I actually created a free guide of like how to start journaling because it is so simple. But again, so many people get in their heads and like they need guidelines to say, okay, it's so simple, but I'm still not starting. So I actually have a freebie. It's like three, three simple tips of like. Just okay, but here's how you do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, my gosh, okay. Well, we'll definitely link that. And we were talking about going into meltdowns, when our kids are having meltdowns, and I honestly think meltdowns happen in every season and every stage. They're just different for our kids and for us. I think there's like the kid meltdowns and then there's the mommy meltdowns. So tell me a little bit about your approach to meltdowns.
Speaker 2:Is this like a journaling approach that you do? Yeah, so, like I said, my kid right now is three and when he turned yeah, so many meltdowns when he, starting from when he turned a year and a half, I remember he first started having meltdowns right around when, when I started sending him to daycare and he really did not want me to change him for day like putting on clothes became the first thing that he would just like scream and cry on, and then putting shoes on was like truly a 10 minute procedure of just like putting on the shoes and getting out the house. And that was just the beginning. And now it's like, you know, not wanting the dino nuggets that I made him, or like the fact that I put it on the wrong part of his plate or something you know, not wanting the dino nuggets that I made him, or like the fact that I put it on the wrong part of his plate, or something you know. And so there's so many opportunities for meltdowns and I've used to think that the meltdowns would not necessarily stop, because I know that kids are learning so much about like emotional regulation and their feelings and whatnot, which I'm totally there for, but I thought that once he got older, they would get less frequent or less intense and they're just getting about.
Speaker 2:They're about different things and I still felt triggered, like about every whine. It's whining. For me, for other moms, it's like the crying or the yelling and the fighting, or you know, each mom is triggered by something else. For me, it's the whining. It's like nails on a chalkboard and I'm just like, oh my gosh. And so for me, when I hear that, I was like, no matter what the age or what it is that he's crying about, I still feel triggered. And so that's my approach is like I want to figure out why I feel so triggered and to regulate that so that, yeah, hopefully, like when my child is 10, there's definitely less meltdowns ideally right. But like, no matter what, I'm able to like rebound from that and feel good, so that I'm not triggered all the time, and like walking around my house, like just waiting for the next meltdown or walking on eggshells. So, yeah, I use journaling to do all of that.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I'm really curious what does it feel like when you get triggered by your kiddo, like? What does that experience like for you? Like how do you know you're triggered?
Speaker 2:great question. So for me it almost feels like, I say, my nervous system, but that's almost hard for some people to visualize. So for me it's like, like the hairs on my arm like raised, but it's more of like an inter. If that was like internal, it's just like my whole inside of my body just like goes up on edge and it's just like, and it's like I hear my child and he's asking for something and it's almost like I want to tune out because I'm focused on something else.
Speaker 2:Like, as moms, we have so many responsibilities, right, and it always feels like the meltdowns happen when we're trying to make them dinner or start their bath or answer an email, do some work, make the bed and do some laundry.
Speaker 2:Like there's always something that we need to be doing and it never seems like a convenient time for them to be melting down or doing whatever it is that they're doing, them to be melting down or doing whatever it is that they're doing.
Speaker 2:And so for me it's like equal parts what's happening to them and what I'm also trying to accomplish on my own, and having those two thing butt heads and like not being able to do the thing that I want to do, having to drop that and now help somebody else through their big emotion initially is just like a huge flare internally and it's like a brief moment of like rage and anger, which I feel like is the emotion that I didn't realize was so normal for moms until I brought it up in my community and they were like wait, I resonate with anger so much Like I have so much anger inside of me and I didn't realize it. And once I processed that I like actually felt like I could be a better mom and I could be a better human and like show up the way that I want to.
Speaker 1:Oh you just you just touched on so many things that are so good and I work with this. A lot in moms of we start noticing this is not just me acting on my kids' experience, like I have to be aware of what I'm experiencing. I think a lot of stereotypical parenting experts they tell you what to do for your kid, like they tell you what to do with the kid fits, but they're not addressing the way that you're experiencing your kid when they have fits. And I think the problematic thing with this is we're not making room for for mothers to be human and to acknowledge the fact that it's like you can know all of the right things to do when your kid is having a fit, but if you are like exploding with rage and anger and you're trying to act calm, their animal body is not just going to be responding to what you're saying. It's it's the feeling, it's the emotion, it's that energy and also as women, as people, don't we deserve the same kind of care towards what's going on inside of us, what we're experiencing, and it's so dysregulating to be with these little people who are just. I actually think in a lot of ways they can be more regulated than adults, and what I mean by that is that, like when they're sad, they cry, when they're angry, they respond to their emotions, they feel their feelings.
Speaker 1:Adults have become so good at disassociating from ourselves and numbing ourselves or pretending that we're fine when we're not fine, and it usually ends up exploding out on other people anyways. Or we burn out or we become so disassociated. But when you come back to this place where you can witness your kids having a fit, your kids having a meltdown, and then also what's happening inside of you. So when you do your journaling practice, is this in the moment, is it later? Tell me a little bit about how that of you. So when you do your journaling practice, is this in the moment, is it later? Tell me a little bit about how that supported you.
Speaker 2:Yes, so I do a journaling practice in the morning, just because that's when I notice, when I do it and that's what I recommend for people.
Speaker 2:It's like if you do it at night, which is actually when we're more emotional, since we have all day to experience life in people. So if I would love it if I journaled at night, I just can't get myself to do it. So whenever you want to do it, I pair it with my pre-workout in the morning, so that's just when I like to do it, so I do that. And then when we're talking about meltdowns, if it's a really big meltdown, I don't do it mid-meltdown, we have to deal with it then. But I have something that I like to call my reset ritual, and this is what allows me to come down from those heightened emotions, whether that be rage or anger or just dysregulation. I love that. You said that kids are more emotionally regulated because they know their outlet for whatever emotion it is that they're having, and you're right, a lot of times parents don't. We have numbed that, and so, especially if you feel like you're in that numbed state, journaling can be that outlet for you. And so there's so many different ways that you can have or ways to go about creating your reset ritual, and it can include journaling, and the very first thing I recommend doing is to just become aware of how it is that you're feeling.
Speaker 2:A lot of people say that you can name it. I don't do that, because what I do is I write out what happened and if a name pops up, like in naming the feeling, I write it down. But I don't make it a point to I more so, write down the experience and honor what it is how I'm feeling and get that off of my chest. Honor what it is how I'm feeling and get that off of my chest and, honestly, sometimes just doing that alone allows me to release it. A lot of times I was waking up and doing my morning journaling session and I was writing down like yesterday was hard, or yesterday was a lot, or like yesterday was like heavy, like all of these things, and I realized I need to learn to process it, because waking up every morning and having that be the same thing over and over isn't working. So, yeah, journaling after the meltdown, having this ritual and part of it is journaling for me, but then also I believe that it needs to include things that will actually move that emotion through your body, because anger and rage are really big emotions, right? So just journaling it isn't going to do all of the work.
Speaker 2:There is a brain-gut connection where our brain actually speaks to our gut and our gut to our brain, and our brain is like what we're thinking, and when we're writing we're thinking a lot of things speaks. 20% of that goes to our gut, which is like to our whole body too. So if we're telling ourselves like I released this feeling and I'm feeling better and I'm feeling calmer, 20% of that message gets sent to our gut, which gets sent to our body. But like that's, 80% of the rest of us is still heightened, still in that state of like okay, cool, but this just happened.
Speaker 2:So the rest of the reset ritual for me is movement. Like I'll put on a song For me. I like to put on Shake it Out by Florence and the Machine or Shake it Off by Taylor Swift, and it won't be the full song even, but I'll just like literally shake my body and like move my body. So it can be like movement, it could be breath work, it could be visualization, and I work with my clients one-on-one to be like what makes you tick and you your listeners. You guys can even think of like you know yourself, like what makes you tick and you your listeners. You guys can even think of like you know yourself, like what makes you tick, and have that little quick, like 30 second reset. So after your meltdowns happen, your meltdowns or your kids meltdown you have this little ritual that you can put on and then you move through them and you can process them more. You know, in your next journal session or that might be all that you need.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that reset ritual idea. That's such a great idea, and one of the things you mentioned is when you were trying to go and journal each day, you were having this kind of heaviness from the day before. It sounds like, and I think something I just want to name is so many women, and especially mothers, are going through their lives not taking up any space to do that kind of processing and that is why it can feel so heavy and overwhelming. Is it just kind of starts building up? It builds up energetically, it builds up in our bodies even, like emotionally and mentally. It's like there's all of this stuff that you're nervous that you're not processing, you're not, you're not letting go of, you're not getting it out. It's like you're not metabolizing it. It's like you're having all of this food come in your body but then you're never pooping it out, like you need to be able to do that with, with the things that are happening in your day, and so I love that you mentioned like going through it in the moment and even talking about the experience when, when we're activated, what's happening for so many women. I don't think they understand that their nervous system. We can respond to our children as if there is a massive amount of threat.
Speaker 1:And to many women's bodies, your kid, being emotionally dysregulated, feels awful because you feel like it's your job to fix it. Maybe in your home anger wasn't allowed and we have all of these moms trying to teach their kids emotional regulation, trying to teach their kids emotional intelligence, trying to like not have bad feelings and good feelings, and I love that. I love that. And your body hasn't yet experienced those things. Like if anger doesn't feel safe to feel in your body, if your child is feeling massive amounts of anger, that can feel really scary, if you haven't developed capacity and ways to move that through your body other than yelling right, because I think so many women are like, oh well, I don't want to yell at my kids anymore and I'm like, I'm on board with you, like that's an awesome goal and we can't just stop the yelling because you'll you're still going to have all of this activation in your body and it doesn't just go away. It needs to be able to move and metabolize. And so I work with women somatically to do that.
Speaker 1:A lot of like body-based um. Again, I'm I'm similar to you with we don't have to necessarily name it, but we really play with sensation. What does it feel like? How does it move? Does it move up and out? And then, following that movement in the moment, so right, if you have this anger that's wanting to come up and out, can you breathe really heavy? Can you sing? Can you like do the little like, blowing bubbles with your lips, doing something to allow that energy to move? And so, when you're doing your reset, when you're doing your journaling, what happens when the kid is melting down for you, Like, what supports you in that moment?
Speaker 2:in the middle of the meltdown. That, I think, is perfect for what you just said, and what I'll often do is take a moment for myself, which my kid hates. So one of my biggest pet peeves and maybe it shouldn't be a pet peeve because Instagram is a highlight reel but a pet peeve is on Instagram when these parent coaches are like you said. There's so many coaches out there that are teaching you as the parent how to basically change your kid, like get them to melt down less, or you know the parenting tips on how to do X, y, z with your child and then but they don't talk about how your, the kid, reacts to that. Like they tell you, tell your kid like it's safe to feel upset.
Speaker 2:You can definitely cry and here are your two options, but you still have to get out of the bath. Do you want option A for your pajamas or do you want option B for your pajamas? Right, which I do to my child in a very calm and soothing voice, and my kids still like, like screaming, crying. I don't want to get out of the bath. Nobody tells you that. Like you still have to say it five times.
Speaker 1:There's still going to be melted down. It doesn't work. And is that what I hear you saying? Because that's my experience.
Speaker 1:My experience, especially in that season of life, is I expected that if I just do or say the right thing, my child will behave how I want them to, and I wanted them to just be obedient and listen, which is hilarious, because on the other side, I also wanted them to be like these change makers who could, like, speak up for themselves and, you know, feel everything.
Speaker 1:And then they did, and then I was pissed off about it, but it didn't work on them. Like that's really what I learned. I learned that I had to stop parenting in order for my child to behave a certain way, and I had to parent based off of I behave a certain way and also I care for myself and lead myself in a certain way, and I have seen that produce. I don't like saying results, but like the relationship, the relationship I see that I have with my kids and, just as important to me, the relationship they have to themselves. But I think, I think even when you're doing all of the right things, your kid will not always respond the way that you want them to. It won't always work.
Speaker 2:No, and I try that and I will say it works over time. But yeah, it's not like you'll try the one thing and suddenly, magically, your kid is like ah yes, mommy, that is a great thing. Now it clicks for me, right. But that kind of brings me to a little bit of what you said, and something that does work is not focusing on the kid, which I think is opposite of what most people, not what you teach, but what so many people teach is like focus on the kid, either helping them, teaching them, but also even like become motivated by the kid and become motivated by the kid. So like, even think about like health and fitness is such a simple example of like get fit for your kids so that you can, you know, run around with them in the long run, and like be healthy for them.
Speaker 2:And that's a place where I differ. I feel like I've never done anything and my main focus has never been for my kid or about my kid, because I know that my positive energy and how I feel, if I feel good, it will ripple into them. And I know that I don't want to feel negatively or I don't want to feel triggered, I don't want to feel overwhelmed. I don't want to feel any of those things, more than I don't want my kid to have a mom like that, right. And so it's definitely like our kids are great motivators. But I think once that motivation wears off, as it almost always does, like whatever that initial thing is, it's important to like what is the real, like gut punch of like why are you really doing this? And I think for me it's always been about me. So coming back to you and like, what is it that you really really want to feel? Or, for some reason, for me it's all about what I don't want. So if it's hard for you to really become motivated by what you do want, what don't you want? Maybe you don't want to feel that resentment and anger, or you don't want to feel that overwhelmed, or you don't want to feel that triggered, and so what you do want is to have that sense of peace and you want to create that calming ritual and that sounds peaceful for you. And knowing that focusing on you will, of course, ripple into all of the other areas your kids, your partner, if you have one, all of your other relationships, without it needing to be the focus. So the whole analogy of pouring into your own cup first, I think is a huge area that benefits parenting and like in every, in every aspect of being a mom, just because there is so many responsibilities that we have that focusing on you and less on the kid as even as far down as the meltdowns Again, coming back to our mid meltdown, back to your initial question mid meltdown asking yourself how am I feeling?
Speaker 2:How is this activating me? And sometimes I will take a deep breath and my son will say mommy, why are you taking a deep breath? Like he even recognizes it. And I'll say like I'm feeling frustrated and I just really need a deep breath right now. And he's right now learning, I think, what the word frustrated means, because he'll say it in times when he's really happy he's like I'm frustrated, I'm like not, not quite, but we're getting there.
Speaker 1:I'm so on the same page and I do think that modern motherhood has I think it we it has become so child centered and I think a lot of women feel it's necessary to center their entire emotional, mental complex around their children. I this is, this is one of my soap boxes, though, like this is one of those hills I will die on is because because I experienced it, because I did that, and what I experienced is I did that with my marriage and I did it with my kiddo of I put them, I defaulted to what they wanted and needed and I defaulted to attuning to them, and so much of what I was doing was trying to actively I I behaved out of how I wanted them to behave, I gave out of what I wanted to receive and it almost became this relational manipulation, and I wasn't doing that intentionally, I wasn't like conscious thinking about it, and what happened is that, like, my kid is melting down and I'm so focused on them feeling good that I lose my sense of self, I'm thrown off center. So it's like I was constantly at the whim of my child's emotions because I was centering my motherhood around my child, not around me myself. The mother right, if you're trying to change your parenting, focus on the parent that's you. That's like actually acknowledging what you need, what you're feeling, what you're experiencing, what you don't want.
Speaker 1:I think when women, when women come to me and they're like I don't know what I want, I don't know what I need, and I was like complain to me, like write down everything you don't like, because everything you do like, everything you do want, is hidden in those things. But you're so insistent on feeling good and grateful all the time and pretending that like everything's good and great, that you're not accessing this deeper level of self that's going. Like that's going to be the thing that drives you, that allows you to show up in the behavior that you want to do so, even mid meltdown, noticing that like if you, if you have relationship and access to yourself, you can show up to anything with your kid, if you have the capacity to be with everything that you're feeling, it will create the capacity to parent your children in the way that you want to. So, even if you're wanting them to help their meltdowns, you're never going to be able to do that If you don't show up to the way that you're melting down, to your dysregulation, to the things that are going on in your body. So I love, I love your point of like using the mid meltdown and then even taking some time after.
Speaker 1:I do think it's really powerful, especially if this is like a regular occurring thing to you, to start noticing, like, what's going on here. We spend so much time overthinking and beating, like kicking ourselves while we're down, right, like so many moms are so critical of themselves. It's like I yell at my kid and it's like, and then you go yell at yourself and your head and it's like, instead of giving yourself an opportunity to say like hey, what's going on here, let's like actually do a check-in of what's going on. So what are the some of the things that you journal about and check in on after the fact?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So after a meltdown, one of my favorite prompts and this would be definitely a reflection, so maybe like the next day or after a few meltdowns is what I like to call the boundary arc, kind of going based off of what you were saying as well with you know, you're holding on to ourselves and who we want to be and how we want to show up is the boundary arc. And so I think about a particular meltdown situation or, again, a group of them, and I think about what happened and I kind of like outline it, especially if I don't feel as triggered, where I can look at it from more of like an outside, like bird's eye view, and I just look at what happened, like from beginning to beginning to end. So I'm just trying to think of an example. I remember when my son and I were co-sleeping, which I was not a fan of co-sleeping. I'm not sure of you or your listeners thoughts on that, but it did not work well for me and my son.
Speaker 2:And so there is this one night oh, also, my son loves chocolate and he asks for it nonstop. And so there's this one night my son was in my bed. I was trying to get him to calm down. It was taking like one to two active hours of me, like, yeah, active hours Trying to like get him to calm down, and he asks for chocolate, he asks for another book, all of these things so that's the beginning of my boundary arc is like the very first thing he's in my bed and he asks for this thing. He makes a request, right, and then the next thing is my emotion, right. I haven't even responded yet, but I fear I instantly have fear of like I'm about to set this boundary of no more chocolate, no more books. We've already read this thing. We've already read, you know, or two books or whatever the limit was, so no. So I have this fear that when I say it, he's going to come back and have a meltdown, like the anticipatory anxiety is what I call it, or the anticipatory fear, and this is all in my head, by the way, before I even say anything. And then so I have that, he's going to have that, and then I feel resentment at the end because I didn't even want to do, I didn't want to read the other book, I didn't want to do the chocolate, and I always go back on my boundary and so I never feel like I feel heard, I feel like right, like I got my end of the bargain. So that's my boundary arc, that's my arc.
Speaker 2:And so in my journal entry I go through all of that and that alone you might have a lot of revelations and aha moments of like oh my gosh, this is how I handle every situation. I know when I did that, my revelation was like oh my gosh, that's how I handled my marriage. I was like my ex-husband was acting like a child, like that, and and to his defense, I was acting that way too, like I was fearful of his response. So I was defaulting to compromise and and whatnot. And that's on me. And so from there, like I said in the very beginning, I always love ending my journal prompts with action items. So like, okay, I feel I choose how I want to feel, but then like, what can I do to inch closer to that?
Speaker 2:And so, especially in this boundary arc situation and further meltdowns, how can I choose to insert a boundary and where would it be on that arc? Choose to insert a boundary and where would it be on that arc? So for me, where it would be was right after he requested the extra book or the chocolate or whatnot. That's where I wanted to practice is simply stating what it would be, and so that's where I wanted to focus is just stating it. For you, it might be stating it and then maybe not making the compromise, so you could choose anywhere on your arc that you want to practice.
Speaker 2:And then the key after that, after the boundary holding, is tolerating the discomfort and ever since learning that I've heard that in so many different capacities, even like with emotional eating and whatnot but tolerating the discomfort when I'm going to say no more chocolate and no more books and like my son's not going to be happy about that, and choosing to feel okay.
Speaker 2:And once I journaled through that and just a lot of journaling is proactive, so I there's all of this is like next time I will say no more chocolate, no more books, and I will choose to feel okay with that discomfort.
Speaker 2:It's going to be uncomfortable, I'm not going to like it, my son is going to cry, he might have a meltdown and I will be okay. And just literally writing that out and that alone gives you so much like empowerment and authority and and access to a version of you that in the moment you don't know that you have In the moment. You kind of feel like a plastic bag in the wind of like I don't know, sure, okay, I'll do that, or opposite, and you hardline it and then you feel bad because you're like yelling at your kid at night and then he gets activated or she gets activated and it's like a storm right at that time. And so, yeah, I like doing that arc, if you've never done anything like that, and then kind of recapping, seeing any revelations, understanding where you want to insert a boundary that feels good for you, that feels empowering to you, and then it's just practicing it and then kind of reviewing your arc later on and making adjustments from there.
Speaker 1:That is so powerful. What you just shared and I love the way that you share about, like, the arc of the boundary, because I think so many women are having a lot of boundary violations with their kids and they don't realize that that's where a lot of the overwhelm and anger and resentment is coming, and I think what's specifically really hard in motherhood is that it does. There's so much that we really legitimately do not control, and I think that toddler phase is where it really gets hard, because you suddenly realize like, suddenly realize like, oh, I can't make them do so many things. Like, yes, I. And their response to your really good parenting is often not, quote, unquote, good, it's not comfortable, it's not this like, oh, thank you, mom, for setting boundaries. Like I love you so much. Like, thank you for doing what I need and not just what I want. Like, no, our, our animal bodies don't want to be told what to do. Even when it's ourselves, even when it's our, our brains and bodies will do a lot to avoid discomfort.
Speaker 1:And I think what's really beautiful about journaling is you're giving yourself the opportunity to go into moments where you face those choices and bringing you back to your agency. It's recognizing that like and there's so many moms who I think are on autopilot and then I think, women come out of autopilot and they start noticing how they're responding. They start noticing how they're feeling but they don't feel the agency to take action because it feels like their nervous system is choosing for them, their triggers are choosing for them. It's just happening and they don't realize it. And I love this powerful perspective of journaling and like the arc of noticing what are like the different access points to what this happened and it's bringing you back to choice. It's bringing you back to agency. It's bringing you back to I have a backbone phone, I am an adult, this is a child and this is not urgent.
Speaker 1:And, honestly, like bringing this back to like the nervous system regulation that we were talking about so much of nervous system regulation is learning to feel the present moment and noticing what is dangerous and what is not right. Like your child having a meltdown actually isn't urgent or dangerous to you or to them. It feels that way and I think our we again, when we're attuned to our children, we're looking to them to see are we okay, am I doing a good job as a mom? And it's like they're a toddler, they're not going to be able to give you that information Like, yes, we want to be paying attention to the relationship.
Speaker 1:There is some information coming from them, but we have to be connected to what it, too, is. What are you choosing and what are you not choosing? And then bringing you back to this place where you're not just aware of that surface level, what was happening, you're aware of what's, almost like what's. I'm trying to think of a way to say this it's like we forget that we're the ones pulling the strings to ourselves. We feel like we're just this puppet going through the motions and it's like no, you're pulling the strings your body, your nervous system, your brain and you have agency and access to change that, even when it comes to, like, your emotions.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, agency was the word I was trying to think of, and that's agency and choice, right. And I want to say too because this might make moms that are listening like me feel better too is that the choice that you might make doesn't always have to be the hard boundary. You can also make the choice to give chocolate at bedtime right. You can also make the choice to read the other book, and when you consciously make the choice, like, yes, this is okay for me, it feels so much better than when you're in the moment and your kid asks for chocolate at night and you're like, oh no, what do I do? And then you've decided to give the chocolate, but then you feel guilty because then you think, oh no, I shouldn't have done that. Chocolate isn't good at bedtime, right. But then, when you have taken the time to journal through this and almost anticipated it, and then you'll eventually get to a point where you're kind of obviously not journaling in your head but thinking through this in your head, you'll get to a point where you can ask yourself this question in your head head. You'll get to a point where you can ask yourself this question in your head, and I did this one night with my son and I did give. I gave him like a smaller, like a mini Hershey kiss before bed and it felt I felt totally fine with it. Cause in my head I was like do I want to do this right now? And the response was yes. So and I was like yes, here you go, you are great today and whatever, for whatever reasons I had, I'm giving you this treat. And it felt way better than when I was kind of like going back on myself and going back on my word and like judging myself for that.
Speaker 2:And then there was also a night where he asked for something I asked myself in my head and kind of went back to what my boundaries, what I wanted them to be in my journal entries, and I said no, and his response was okay, mommy, and literally my head exploded. I was like wait, excuse me, you're fine with that. Like in my head I was going to set the boundary and I was prepared for a meltdown. I was literally like brace yourself, sam, like this is going to be, you can handle this. And he said okay. And I was like going to be you can handle this. And he said okay. And I was like oh, like the world didn't just end and that proof of him being okay with that was just like wow, that it was the extra reinforcement of my agency and my choice, that it was okay and that the world will go on, and I just I felt extra good about following through on what it is that I wanted to do.
Speaker 1:Anyways, you are fully embodied in your choice, no matter what you chose. That's what I'm hearing, and I think this is such a powerful concept because so many women are still trying to play this good girl thing where there's some magical right thing to do. Like there's some magical right way that is going to make. I mean this will get me on a whole nother like soapbox moment of we are trying to make perfect the human experience for our children and for us, which is just not possible. Like it's meant to be messy, it's most. It's meant to be human and we're supposed to have all of these emotions and if we can create an environment for us to have that, what's beautiful is our children start experiencing adults who are living in their embodied authority, and what I mean by that is like when we say yes, our kids know that we mean it and that we're not going to hold it over their heads, and when we say no, our kids know that we're going to back that up, or if we change our mind, it's going to be actually changing our mind. It creates safety for our children because now they are attuned to a mother who is attuned to herself. They are not attuned to a mother who is just all over the place because she's constantly looking to a child to be emotionally regulated instead of looking to herself to be emotionally regulated. Right, and that's literally the power of turning your attention from your kid back onto yourself. Because if you have that, your kids, even on an unconscious level, can feel that you are a person they can trust. They will feel that you are a person who is embodied in what they are doing and what they're not doing.
Speaker 1:And relationally, how safe is that? I mean, think of if you were dating or in a friendship with a person who you could never really trust. That when they said yes, they actually meant it Right. Or have you ever been with a girl who, like she's so insecure that she can't tell you what she wants or what she needs? And then she'll tell you. But you get this feeling, you have this knowing you're like you're bullshitting me, like you can feel that there's something off or something weird or something in genuine, and that's a powerful. That's a powerful force and I really do think it impacts our parenting in a way that is unfortunate. I think it can.
Speaker 1:I don't want to scare people and give someone, give us even more things to think we have to get right. You know, oh good, another thing I have to think of, but you are not a checklist that, like you have to cross off to do. You are a person who deserves to be related to and I love, I love your process and I think something. I want to name you you mentioned it, but I want to bring this back the powerful thing about journaling or coaching or doing this process, like giving yourself time and attention to do this work. That's how you start processing things. So, instead of running on autopilot or instead of becoming burnt out because you didn't notice that you've been crossing your boundaries, you start noticing and you start processing in real time your emotions. You start regulating your nervous system because you're actually paying attention to when you start getting triggered, not just when you've flown off the handle.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and we've talked about a lot of things feeling triggered and people pleasing and setting boundaries and anger and so many things. And, like you said too, we don't want to be a checklist where it's like now journaling is like one more thing to do either Right, either Right. But my tip for anyone listening who's like, okay, I'm recognizing some of these patterns in myself and I want to show up as that safe space for my kids is to start journaling where it doesn't feel good, because that's going to be the easiest place to tap into. I think it's honestly the hardest days to journal is when everything's going right. It's when, the days that feel good, I wake up and I'm like, hmm, what do I journal about? But it's when my life is hard. That's why I started journaling during my divorce or right beforehand is because there was something easily I could tap into.
Speaker 2:So if you're going through a tough time with your kids, or even just personally, emotionally, whatever, start there and just honoring it. Becoming self-aware is the very first step so that you can open yourself up to processing it. Because you've said the word a few times, which I think it's truly accurate of where most moms are, because there's so much on our plate is autopilot. Most moms are, because there's so much on our plate is autopilot. We don't give ourselves the space to think about anything besides our routines and responsibilities. And we come home from work and then, okay, it's dinnertime and then bedtime routine, and then we got to do it all over again tomorrow. And then you go to bed feeling like depleted and you wake up hoping you feel inspired, but you're still burdened from the day before and then it's all over again, right, and so whatever, if that's you like, whatever part feels like the most draining or heavy for you, allow yourself to tap into that. It might feel a little bit scary if you've never allowed yourself to tap into that, but I promise you shining a light on that is going to feel so relieving.
Speaker 2:And I was the type of person who was like positive Polly my whole life up until I started journaling and I was like, oh, negative emotions dusted under the rug and there were good emotions and bad emotions and I, like, would never, ever look at the bad ones and I would only focus on the optimistic view of everything, because I thought looking at the bad stuff would either bring more of the bad stuff, right, or I just didn't want to get stuck in it. But looking at it shows you so much of who you are and how you were raised and you can question those things and especially if you have the process to like journal through it, you won't get stuck if you know that you don't want to stay there. Right. And so if you're listening to this and you follow Rebecca, I know you don't want to stay there. You know who you want to be, you know where you want to get to and so just honoring that and knowing it's okay to listen to your inner knowing and to trust yourself and to tap into these.
Speaker 1:You know some, some of these scarier, darker emotions that you might be feeling yeah, man, and what you said is just so powerful, and it's so funny how I've literally had to relearn this lesson so many times, because this was exactly. You know, I shared that I was kind of in like a funk. I was off and I was avoiding, I was avoiding those harder emotions, and I didn't, I wasn't doing it on purpose, but all of a sudden I started noticing I'm resentful, I'm feeling like a little bit numb, I'm feeling a little dissociated. I was like there's something deeper going on that I'm avoiding because it's inconvenient one and it's uncomfortable. And once I started journaling and once I started giving myself some space, it was some deep grief, it was some sadness, and I think what's powerful is I was able to give myself room to feel it and to let it move, and then to be able to sit with it and say is there anything that needs to be done? Like, is there actually movement in my life or did this emotion just need to be able to move through me? Right Cause, for me at least, what was coming up is it was some past stuff that I've never accessed before from this level of maturity, and it just needed to be felt and it moved through me and then it was fine. And then sometimes you'll allow it, you'll journal, you'll feel these things and you'll notice something needs to change.
Speaker 1:And I think that can be really scary, and I think that's one of the reasons women will avoid their feelings is there's the scary of having to feel it, which is hard, but then there's also the scary of once I know this, once I tell myself the truth about how this really feels, I'll have to do something. And I encourage women what if you just start with the knowing? What if you just start with the feeling and telling the truth? Because once you start telling yourself the truth, you will begin to trust yourself again and from that place that's where you'll be able to take action from. But you don't have to take action until you know. You know what that is Like. You don't have to take action right away just because you feel that.
Speaker 1:And I think that's why women avoid doing things like the boundary arc, whether it's in parenting or marriage, like that's another big one right, like they're going to avoid acknowledging the boundaries that they're accidentally breaking because they don't want to set a boundary. And it's like what if you just start with acknowledging it, with telling the truth, with feeling it and you get to know it, because once you get deep enough in that awareness, you will know what to do, and then you'll be able to feel your agency and your backbone, and then you'll be able to choose what you're doing, and then you'll be able to have your own back, just like you did, like with your son. Like sometimes you said yes, sometimes you said no. So that is so, so powerful. Is there anything else any other, like closed loops or things you want to share before we close out?
Speaker 2:before we close out. One thing that inspired me to start journaling was a quote I heard in a book, and all it said was how good can life?
Speaker 1:get.
Speaker 2:Just think of that and you will make different decisions is what the book was saying. And I heard that and I was like, well, I don't how good, and that can actually be a journal prompt for your listeners. Like how good could your life get if you let it. What might change and what might that look like? Right, like it can, you can. Whatever this means to you. However, it's hitting for you journal on that. And that's what allowed me to open up Because, yeah, if I think back to my marriage, there was a little tiny voice way before I was even married, where if I knew what I know now, I would have listened to her.
Speaker 2:Right, and that's why I say that journaling is one of the bravest things that you can do, because I very consciously, very self-aware, chose not to listen to that, because I just didn't, I wasn't ready to face that, and it brought me down a path to where I am today, which I feel like I'm here for a reason, and in this space now, which I love. But, yeah, I chose to not listen and I think that, with journaling, it will bring you down a path that you will be grateful for, because the end result is, like you said, self-trust, self-love, higher worth. You're going to be this, embodying this ideal version of yourself that you don't even know that you can be yet, and you will only uncover her as you allow yourself to like, meet her right, like through your journal and whatnot. So, yeah, I love that, that prompt for you of how good can your life get if you let it. And then also really super simple tip is knowing that you do not have to journal every day. I know that's one thing that stops a lot of people.
Speaker 2:The research says that journaling three to five days a week for five to 15 minutes a day is all you need to reach all of the benefits of reduced stress, reduced overwhelm, even improved immunity. And there's a really cool research study of three different groups of people. They were all about to get surgery and one group didn't journal at all. One group journaled before they got surgery, about two weeks before, and then one group journaled after the surgery and they found that the group that journaled two weeks before and then one group journaled after the surgery and they found that the group that journaled two weeks before the surgery healed 11 days faster than anybody else. And so it concluded that, like if you actually journal about these traumatic events and like feel the scary emotions. You're actually processing them and you're actually like healing your body and allowing them to like somatically right, like have it move through you and like heal you faster. So it doesn't need to be a ton of time, it doesn't need to be every day and the benefits can be profound.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, that's so cool. What a fascinating study. I'm not surprised and I think too. I think this will get women doing this work is when I promise you that like this is not blocking your productivity, like your feelings and this deeper work of like journaling and taking time for yourself, you, when you make space for it, when you make time for it, it absolutely gives you energy. It gives you access to your most potent like life force, like your essence, like you know that spark you want. You know that like access to, like your creativity and even just like your ability to connect with your kids. Like all of that is found in your deeper self. It's found in these moments where you're taking time to develop you, to keep growing and maturing.
Speaker 1:And I think how beautiful that we're starting to make time for this in early motherhood and that our kids get to grow up with moms who are full people, like they are full women they're not just these robots who do everything the kids want like. How beautiful that kids get to have a mother who's self-aware and who is showing up for herself. I think it's profound and I think it's showing this next generation how to adult in a way that maybe a lot of people have never seen or experienced. This was such a fun conversation. There's so like, there's so many cool things it's so hard to end it and, um, this was so beautiful and, oh my gosh, that journal prompt how good can life get is such a beautiful place to end it. So where can people find you? Where's like your favorite place to hang out if they want to learn more about you and working with you?
Speaker 2:I love connecting with women, so I would love for you to send me a DM on Instagram and we can chat and I love hearing about, like your season, like what, what you're going through, how old your kids are. So, yeah, you can find me on Instagram. My Instagram handle is Samanthassays. I also have a website. It's SamanthaPencoffcom. You have to put the www in front. I have my own podcast and YouTube and whatnot. But yeah, if you want to connect with me on Instagram, you'll find all of the other links there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and we'll put it all in the show notes and everything. So thank you so so much for being here today and I cannot wait to hear what people think of this, and we would love, love, love to hear how you experience this, what your aha moments are. If you have any more questions, if you're going to start journaling, so definitely reach out to us.
Speaker 2:Yes, thank you so much for having me. This is so fun.
Speaker 1:Thanks for joining me on today's episode of the Motherhood Mentor Podcast. Make sure you have subscribed below so that you see all of the upcoming podcasts that are coming soon. I hope you take today's episode and you take one aha moment, one small, tangible piece of work that you can bring into your life. To get your hands a little dirty, to get your skin in the game. Don't forget to take up audacious space in your life. If this podcast moved you, if it inspired you, if it encouraged you, please do me a favor and leave a review, send an episode to a friend. This helps the show gain more traction. It helps us to support more moms, more women, and that's what we're doing here. So I hope you have an awesome day, take really good care of yourself and I'll see you next time.
