The Motherhood Mentor

Body Image, Comparison, and Healing from Eating Disorders with Guest Shana Yurko

• Rebecca Dollard: Somatic Mind-Body Life Coach, Enneagram Coach, Speaker, Boundaries Coach, Mindset • Season 1 • Episode 29

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Join me and Shana today on the podcast as we explore practical ways to transform your relationship with your body. Many of us have experienced moments of body dissatisfaction or even deep-seated body shame, fueled by the pervasive influence of diet culture and perfectionism. This shame can distort our self-worth and impact how we show up in the world.

How can we change that negative self-talk? How do we break free from unrealistic standards and the feeling of never being good enough?

Shana and I share actionable strategies to improve your self-perception, enhance your self-image, and support your mental and emotional well-being. We discuss the crucial distinction between self-punishing “discipline” and a true devotion to yourself and what matters most.

Tune in for insights on how to shift your inner dialogue, manage insecurities, and navigate the challenges of comparison.


Podcast Time Stamps: 

0:02 Body Image, Fear of Showing Up, Perfectionism, and Confidence

5:51 Overcoming Body Image Challenges

10:48 Eating Disorder Recovery 

20:55 Recovery Through Self-Reflection and Self-Care

26:55 Breaking Free From Negative Self-Talk

34:18 Loving Yourself Through Action and Values

37:46 Ending Comparison and Embracing Authenticity


Links:
Shana Links

Instagram

Illume Collective:https://www.illume-collective.com/a/2147535648/34YzWkuF

(Denver Networking Community by Kristine Munro where Shana and I connected) 

Higher Self Gala (the event where we met!) Coming up again!  https://www.illume-collective.com/a/2147975988/34YzWkuF



Join us next time as we continue to explore the multifaceted journey of motherhood.

Thank you for tuning in to The Motherhood Mentor. If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review us.

Stay connected with us on social media and share your thoughts and experiences tagging @themotherhoodmentor

Becca:

Welcome to the Motherhood Mentor Podcast. I'm Becca, a somatic healing practitioner and a holistic life coach for moms, and this podcast is for you. You can expect honest conversations and incredible guests that speak to health, healing and growth in every area of our lives. This isn't just strategy for what we do. It's support for who we are. I believe we can be wildly ambitious while still holding all of our soft and hard humanity as holy. I love combining deep inner healing with strategic systems and no-nonsense talk about what this season is really like. So grab whatever weird health beverage you're currently into and let's get into it. Welcome to today's episode of the Motherhood Mentor Podcast.

Becca:

Today on my podcast, I have my good friend Shauna. She is such a powerhouse and I love this conversation that we have around body image and body issues and disordered eating and our journeys to health and healing, and we talk about what it's like to heal from comparison and the thoughts and the feelings you have about yourself. We talk so much about the process of it and really tangible tools to change the way that you relate to your body, the way that you relate to your body image, but also the way that your body feels transitions, bad days. We talk about so much in this podcast. It is so valuable and also vulnerable of just sharing about a topic in a way that isn't so prettied up and perfect, but we really truly share about the whole journey of it. So I really hope this podcast encourages you, that it gives you something tangible to be able to love yourself in a better, deeper way, and if this podcast is meaningful or helpful to you, will you please take a moment and review and share it with a friend. This helps us out so much.

Becca:

So, without further ado, let's get into it. I am so excited to have you on the podcast today. We've just been like what is it like 30 minutes now? And I was like, okay, we have to stop chit-chatting and actually record the podcast. You and I, I feel like could just talk forever, but I'm so excited to have you here. Can you just tell my audience who you are and what you do?

Shana:

Absolutely. Hi, I'm Shauna. It's really nice to meet you over the podcast, friend, whoever's listening. If you don't know me, I am a video marketing expert and I started out my career in video production in Los Angeles and worked my way up to being a commercial producer and then, after I had my son, when God, five and a half years ago, I started my own business, started doing my own thing, freelancing, producing videos for people, and over the course of the years, I have started a course business that teaches business owners how to show up on video, and also I have an agency that manages business owners YouTube channels. So that's like a little bit of me, what I'm all about. I'm also super awkward and super like funny, unintentionally. Yeah, that's a little bit of me and what I'm all about.

Becca:

Our meat story is my favorite thing ever. Can I share, oh my God, yes, of course.

Becca:

We met at the Allume Higher Self Gala last year and we met I alum higher self gala last year and we met I think that first day you had a really cute skirt and I was complimenting your skirt, but also mostly your baby, um, also mostly you. How old was she? She was five weeks, five weeks, um, but I just there was something about you and I felt so drawn to Like I remember seeing you and like walk across the room to you because I came to this event alone, not knowing people. But you know, we chit chatted a little bit, but then the next day, that evening we had talked a little, hung out a little. I think we had probably connected over like two thousands music Cause I remember us telling you I hope they play really good music at the dance party.

Becca:

Yes, you were in the bathroom pumping and I had this thought of like don't be the awkward person. I was like no, I'm going to be the awkward person. I was like hey, can I hang out with you while you pump? Because I just remember when I was in that season, feeling like I was constantly out of the room feeding the baby or taking care, and like sometimes it was nice to have that moment of aloneness and sometimes it was like the biggest FOMO you've ever had, because you're like you have to just stop everything. And so it was just like we just hung out in the corner of the bathroom in these really fancy dresses while you were pumping and just had the best connection ever, and it was just friendship.

Becca:

At first sight of it was, but I love when you said you're awkward. I'm like I don't think you're awkward at all. I think you're so easy to be found and talk to that Like we have to constantly cut ourselves off because we have way too much fun, true, true. I'm so excited to talk today about feeling confident in your body and camera because I think you know, when we were voxering back and forth about the topic, as soon as you said that, I was like a hundred percent yes, we need to talk about this more. So do you want to share a little bit about, like, what have you been hearing from people lately when it comes to not wanting to get in front of the camera? What is it that you're hearing and experiencing from people?

Shana:

Absolutely, and like. I think that we could have a totally separate conversation about just like steps to get confident on camera. I would love to chat more just about like, almost like the inner soul work, like the, the work that we have to do to address these feelings that, like, we don't even realize are happening. So the things that are, um, I've been hearing and it's just been like on repeat over the last couple of weeks alone, and I've been having conversations with these amazing women who I'm like, wow, you're doing these really kick. Can I cuss on your podcast? Oh, please, okay, cool, you're doing these really kick ass things in your career, in your business. You have all of this amazing knowledge that you should be sharing. And like the things that are holding them back are like I just I want to lose 10 pounds before my photo shoot and like that made my heart sink because I was like, but what, what? You're so gorgeous right now.

Shana:

And like, when we meet people, we connect with them on like a soul level, right, and we we connect with them in personal ways where we're not sitting there, being like, wow, this girl has a really good body, I want to be her friend, you know, and I wish people thought about social media more that way and, instead of worrying so much about how we look, just show up like you're getting ready to go to brunch with your best friends and get on camera. But it's not as easy as that, right, because we all have these deep seated confidence issues and a lot of times it's not just a confidence issue, it's deeper than that. But so that was like a conversation one conversation that came up and then another one with a postpartum friend, and I have been through the postpartum season twice now. I just had my second baby about a year ago and it definitely is a little bit of a mind F because you're not looking the way that you are used to, you're not seeing who you used to be in the mirror, and it could be a bit of an identity crisis a little bit for a lot of people, especially if you're not like mentally prepared for that Sorry if you can hear my baby crying in the background, but like mom, life, mom, entrepreneur, life right there she is.

Shana:

So, having a conversation with my postpartum friend the other day and she was talking about how uncomfortable she feels in her body and like, first of all, that's so normal. It's so normal. I have felt uncomfortable in my body after having a baby both times and I am someone who recovered from an eating disorder in my twenties and like, did all the work to make sure. Like, okay, I take care of my body. I am, like I'm very good at being on top of that aspect and not falling back into old patterns and old ways of thinking. However, a lot of people don't have that foundational work right or they don't have that foundation in their something Okay.

Shana:

So Becca and I were at this really cool event called Mentorship Day, also put on by Allume, and, by the way, I love the story you told about us meeting. I love that. You said you beelined it for me. That makes me so happy. I'm so happy you came and said hi and I'm so glad you came and hung out with me while I pumped in the bathroom.

Shana:

But at Mentorship Day recently, someone had a really great comment. I think it was Adrian. Um, adrian, I'll. I'll send you a link to her profile and you can include it in the show notes. She's a really awesome sales coach. But she had this really great comment where she was like it's not about having discipline. Try and substitute that with dedication. So like it's not that your mind isn't disciplined, it's that your mind, are you dedicated to something? It's not so. I don't know if I explained that very well, sorry if I didn't. Friend, feel free to reach out to Adrian, because she's really good at explaining it. But with the foundational work that, like, therapy was able to give me, I feel like you're able to look at things from a more practical and I like to call it my rational and irrational brain. I actually have like different steps that I was trying to succinctly say like okay, here's like how I was able to get here. If that's something you would want me to share.

Becca:

Yeah, I would love to. I you said so many, you said so many important things there and I even just I think so many women when it comes to business, I've seen this a lot in the entrepreneur world of waiting until you're ready. Yes, yes, you have this certain feeling, and I think what a lot of women aren't understanding is that feeling uncomfortable in your body doesn't have to mean you're not ready. Oh, that's it. Yes, being feeling, having these feelings of sensations, doesn't necessarily mean you're not ready or you're not good enough or you're not prepared. And I think when we look at others, it's a lot easier. I think most women that I've ever met they they would never think about other women in the way they do about themselves. But I think even further than that if they did have that thought about another woman, they would never allow that to make an action towards that woman, and that she would never look at your friend who gained 10 pounds and be like you should stop showing up on camera.

Shana:

Oh, my God.

Becca:

No, never. You should stop wearing that cute outfit. You don't fit your jeans. You should probably like you. What would you tell her? How would you feel about her?

Becca:

And I think this has become. I mean, I've always been passionate about it because I get to hear the internal thoughts of women that they will not tell other people. Right, and I've worked with women of all body types, all degrees of health, journeys of like, how they feel about their bodies, both like physiologically but also like their body image. And I've rarely met anyone who hasn't had some journey of having to learn how to love their body and relearn how to love their body. When their body changes or it's different and how you feel in your body, that embodiment will change how you show up in the world. Right, like, because so many people are trying to get themselves to act before they understand why they're acting that way. And having a daughter who, the older she gets, the more that comparison starts to creep in and it is so easy for me to have the appropriate response to that when it's her. And it has massively taught me that like I even still have some more work to do on my own in this of sneaky thoughts that like these.

Becca:

These weren't even my beliefs, right, like they came from culture. They came from diet culture. They came from a shaming upbringing. So for you, what? So? Is this the path that you take that you're going to share with us? Is this like the steps that helped you? Because I, I, what I love that I'm hearing is how do you actually change it? Because I don't know about you. Positive body culture left me behind. I remember all of this, like people started being really positive about being in a bigger body and like normalizing it, and I would look at it and I'd be like that's great. I'm so glad you love your body, but I hate mine. I'm different. I didn't understand. I wanted to. I wanted to like my body. I wanted to love my, but I didn't know how to get from there to here body. I wanted to love myself, but I didn't know how to get from there to here.

Shana:

So what did that journey look like for you? Absolutely, god. You're first of all. You're so good at like eloquently taking thoughts out of my brain and like making them. You're, I just love you. You're wonderful. The journey, the awkward girl is coming out.

Becca:

You can just have like a whole hour of us gushing on each other. I know it's so great.

Shana:

Okay. So what happened? And I'm a big believer in like divine timing, divine like when something happens. I believe I hate the idea of like everything happens for a reason because I think people can really use that poorly. It's never something where it's like this shitty thing happened to you if it happened for a reason, no, but I do believe that like directions that we're heading in life can be very much steered divinely if that makes sense, much steered divinely if that makes sense. So the reason I'm saying this is in my college career I ended up like transferring several times and the first time it was because I didn't feel like I connected with the community there.

Shana:

A second time, so I transferred to another school and I followed a boy there and things with that boy didn't work out and that's fine. I ended up with my amazing now husband, but I was out of state at the time and I was going to register for classes and they were like oh sorry, we have you registering with freshmen. I was like, but I'm going to be a senior, I need to get into like 11 person classes. And they're like sorry, you're just going to have to go to school an extra year. And I was like that's too expensive. So I'm going to transfer home and get in-state tuition. And so I was living at home and thank God I was. My sister, who was 17 at the time, ended up getting pregnant and I was able to be at home with my family during like a really tumultuous time. And during that same time I was also able to go to eating disorder therapy, because up until that point I didn't really recognize that I had had a problem until, or like I didn't acknowledge it. I like thrived in it kind of thing, where I would play the comparison game. Oh, because with a boyfriend that I had, I would always compare myself to these other girls that he might be spending time with, whether it was while we were still together or like after we'd broken up. And I was like, oh, she's way skinnier If I lost a little bit of weight, like it'll show him, kind of thing. And I used that to um, that's just one example, but I used that as like a, a support factor for to excuse what I was doing, which I just didn't eat, and it because I lived away from home. The people who knew me best for my whole life my family, my best friends from high school, who. I'm really fortunate that I still am very close with quite a few people from high school and so they had known me throughout my whole life of like or sort of adult life. They've seen my body and what I used to look like when I was playing high school soccer and being healthy.

Shana:

And when I went away to college a lot changed and through therapy I was able to recognize and realize like you gain a sense of control when you feel like things in your life are out of control, when you are trying to control things about your body. And that was a really big theme for me, because a lot of things in my life did feel like they were out of my control and weren't going the way that I wanted. So I was like, well, screw it, I can control what my body looks like. So it became kind of an obsessive thing at that time. But the steps like if I were to succinctly put it into steps like what I went through in therapy when you realize like I want to feel better in my body the very first I still remember this day, the day I went to my first therapy session with good old Cindy Love that lady Huge credit to her If she's ever listening to this. Thank you, cindy.

Becca:

I love learning therapist names. I don't know why, but like it always makes me so happy. Really, that's so funny. I love that. They're just like these caricatures in people's lives.

Shana:

Yes, yes, oh, hey, cindy, what's up? Girl? But I remember the first day that we went or we, we being me the first day I went in there, I was like so I think I need to talk to you. I don't, I don't know. And what really persuaded me to go there was my best friend from home. She was like we're worried about you, we being us, your friends, like you are so skinny, you need to like what's going on. And I remember being mad at first and I was like what do you mean? Like don't be rude. But then I actually started thinking about it and I was like you know what? All right, let's go, let's go figure this out.

Shana:

So that's a really hard step and not everyone needs therapy, but some people may, and that's for you to decide. I did, because I got so far myself, and then I couldn't take myself any further alone. You know what I mean. And that's when we need to find the support that we need. And for me, that looked like a therapist. And so I walked into Cindy's office and I was like here's what's up. Gave her my story, whatever. And I was like what do you think? She was like well, based on where you're at like I'd say you're halfway through the recovery process and I was like oh, what do you mean? Like I haven't even started. She was like you being here is halfway through and you recognizing like you want to change something. So if that can encourage anyone, that was encouraging to me because I was like, oh cool, like I've already gotten something done like I'm sitting in the door, admitting, even if it's not admitting, you have a problem.

Becca:

I don't think it has to be a problem. It could be. This isn't working for me and and I want help and I want to change and I'm willing to do something in order to change, because there's this willingness to move into a different kind of discomfort and change, of I'm going to try something different.

Shana:

Yeah, absolutely. And that's a huge step and not everyone will take it. Do you know what I mean? And that's okay, like everyone needs to do what they, what works for them and what is good for them. But that first step was huge and learning like, yes, it is just the first step, but also your mind has done enough work on itself to get to that point that we, like, are unconscious of, if that makes sense. And I was like, okay, cool. So like, what's the next step, cindy?

Shana:

And so she was like, honestly, over the course of the next sessions, like I found myself talking about other things. I was like, sorry, we should probably talk about my eating, like I know. And she was like, honestly, you aren't probably going to talk about your eating a lot. Like we're probably going to talk about the other things, and that is what this work is. I was like, oh, okay, why? And she explained that an eating disorder is a coping mechanism more than anything else, whether it is for feeling like you have a lack of control that's one area, that was what I felt or a coping mechanism for grief, for whatever it is that you might be struggling with. And it was a really powerful thing. She basically was like I want you to think of your eating disorder as a voice in your mind that is a separate entity from you, and like you can call it your eating disorder because when, when you're telling yourself, oh, you should lose 10 pounds and then you'll be good enough, like that is your eating disorder talking. That is not you talking, because I think that you mentioned earlier like, um, we wouldn't say those things to our best friend, we wouldn't say those things to our sister, we wouldn't say those things to our best friend, we wouldn't say those things to our sister, we wouldn't say those things to women who we really care about and who we love. Like, if you try and talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you deeply love and respect, that is what is going to shift everything. But it's not so easy to do that. It's easier to just stay in those current ways of thinking of like no, I'm disgusting when I look in the mirror, kind of thing you know. And so the way that she really helped me do that was by identifying my. I call her my inner mean girl now, or my irrational brain, or my eating disorder, whatever like works for you. You can call her a name of a girl you don't like, probably not like. Name it something that isn't going to cause more mental issues or anger, but when you like can recognize your inner mean girl, and when she's speaking, that's a really powerful place to be.

Shana:

Because then, when you can stop your thoughts in their tracks in that moment no matter where you are, whether you are in your car, whether you're looking in the mirror at yourself as you're getting ready, whether you are looking in your mirror as you're walking out the door if you can hear yourself thinking any sort of negative thing about your body, you need to stop in that moment and counteract it with truth. And when I say truth, it's not the truth that you believe about yourself, it's the truth that your best friends believe about you. It's the truth that is 100% true. Like you are a beautiful human and your body is worthy, exactly as it is right now, of love. And that is the truth. And if you don't believe it yet, allow me to tell you, like it is 100% the truth you know. So, the more that you can do that and you can probably speak more to this like your thoughts shape your beliefs, which shape your actions right, and the more that you can consciously redirect your thoughts as they are happening, your brain rewires and it takes work but it's so worth it. So that's like some really practical steps to address like that mental side of things.

Shana:

But something that also really helped me throughout my journey was actually learning how to take care of my body, because that wasn't something I learned. I played soccer growing up, so that was my workout. I never learned like the ins and outs of like, whether it was nutrition other than like oh, this has a lot of calories, I better not eat it, kind of thing. But educating yourself on, oh, this kind of food will nourish my body and help my brain to function better. That was also a really big thing. That I learned during therapy was when you are, when you're.

Shana:

I think she used BMI. I think BMI is a really broken system at this point, but she was like when you are too thin, it actually affects your brain function and you become dumber, and I'm an Enneagram three, I don't want to be dumb. So that really motivated me. I was like oh okay, I don't want that, and so I don't know if that helps anyone else who's listening.

Shana:

But learning how to like take care of my body through finding a workout that I really loved that focused on getting strong versus focused on staying in shape. Do you know what I mean? And for me, that was a CrossFit gym and that was really cool. It doesn't have to be for everyone. Not everyone can like go to a CrossFit gym and that was really cool. It doesn't have to be for everyone. Not everyone can like go to a CrossFit gym and feel like they belong.

Shana:

I personally love it and I loved that there were body types of all shapes and sizes and ages.

Shana:

There were like 65, 70-year-old people in the CrossFit gym and there were people who had just had babies and been cleared to work out. There were people who were the most babies and been cleared to work out. There were people who were the most jet humans I've ever seen and like. So you see it across the whole entire spectrum and everyone is welcome and everyone is just working toward getting stronger and feeling good about showing up that day and I loved that rewiring of like cool, I'm showing up. It started out as like I want to get in shape for my wedding Because, like you mentioned, there's definitely going to be recurring thoughts as we go throughout our life. You know what I mean, and it's something where I have to intentionally recognize the thoughts still and be like this is my eating disorder talking, or this is my irrational brain? She sometimes makes an appearance still and it's not good, but it's something that gets turned around very quickly versus over the course of like six months, like it did back then.

Becca:

So that was a lot but also it was a lot and it was so much goodness, and we can kind of like slow it down and come back to these pieces of it and like what you just let's. Let's start with like where you started, with thinking about your thoughts, right? I think so many people don't understand that just your brain tells it to you Doesn't mean that it's true. Do you know who's Myers? Oh my God, tell me you know who she is. Maybe I'm sending her to you right after this. She's hilarious, amazing. But she made a reel and it was like just because you think it doesn't mean that it's true. Your brain's a little bitch and likes to lie to you and I don't Like she says it hilariously.

Shana:

I'm pretty sure that's her. Well, we'll have to fact check this.

Becca:

Oh, my God, I need to say yes, send it. But thinking about your thoughts, because I think so many people struggling with whatever you want to name it mental health, eating disorders, even if it's and I just I have to name this Even if you don't have disordered eating I have found that the that the way women think about treat their bodies and care for themselves is disordered. It's on a spectrum. It is on a spectrum but it is like it is very rare to meet a woman who has not been infiltrated and impacted.

Becca:

Infiltrated, but that's an intense word, it's so intense but true, it's reality of like you don't even know that it's happening because it's just the water that we swam in for most people. But understanding and learning how to think about your thoughts and how to realize that just because it's coming up in your head or in your body doesn't mean that it's true. I think so many people, I think our culture has gone so far on this whole, like validating our experiences, that we don't stop to say, just because you're feeling this as an emotion, as an experience or thinking this does not mean it's factual or important for you to follow. Like your feelings are so fickle and they're impacted by culture, by the place that you grew up in? And was she an internal family systems therapist by chance? Do you know that language?

Shana:

No, I don't know that language.

Becca:

You're using the language of like parts like this part of me, and this is something I do somatic parts work and we talk about how this isn't all of you, it's just a part of you.

Shana:

Okay.

Becca:

But I think what happens to a lot of people is we over-identify, we over-identify and we blend ourselves with that part and so there's nothing. There's nothing there to respond to it or keep it in check. And you're talking about talking back to it, checking it, and this is actually one of the like checking it. So good, the fastest, easiest way I know how to do this is what is internalized. We externalize it. We find a part of us that can say do I believe this if it's about her? Do I think this? And then believe it if it's about my daughter.

Becca:

Breaks my heart to think, would I say these words to a friend? And here's the thing Sometimes we have thoughts or feelings that aren't great of like Ooh, I haven't been taking very good care of myself, and that might be true. And then I might say, okay, if I had a friend who I noticed wasn't taking very good care of herself, how would I approach that If I was put in charge of her? Be like taking care of her. What I do it out of punishment and restriction and shame and blame and judgment, or what I do it out of like you have no idea how much you're worth. Let's treat you like it.

Shana:

Correct.

Becca:

Right now, right now, this moment. Do you have any idea how much I love you? You deserve better. I'm a piece of shit. I can't believe I ate this again. I can't believe I did this again Like one. There's so much shame going on. Yeah, the way that we have to do that. The only way to execute a lie is you can't outrun it. You can't. You can't get skinny enough for this line to be quiet. Nope, like. I've met enough women. I've met it in my body of like, at my thinnest and my most like dream body, if you will. Whatever that like, whatever that vision I have in my head somewhere that still lives there, by the way. It's still there sometimes and she pops up every once in a while.

Shana:

She's a bitch.

Becca:

She was like my body when I had a flat stomach and D boobs. It was never good enough. You can't outrun it, but you can call it out, you can put truth to it and like sometimes for me it's like a sarcastic comment, sometimes it's like a really. Sometimes it deserves anger, right, like if that is being abusive, or having me do things to my body or not do what I need. Like that part needs a boundary. Like mom needs to come out. Or sometimes just like soft kindness of like oh yeah, we're luteal and we're having a day where we don't like ourselves. Put on some leggings and a sweatshirt and like call it a day and stop thinking about it. Like you don't have to stop in it. So you made. I love the steps you shared of like thinking about your thoughts, noting what you're thinking about yourself and then talking back.

Shana:

Yeah, that's the most important part.

Becca:

Not just accepting it, not just spiraling out. Is that the way you would put it, though? Like I feel like I'm putting my language of like thinking about your thoughts and then talking back to your thoughts and kind of bringing that how would you describe it? Like? What's your experience of it?

Shana:

I mean, I love how you describe it. I think that it's a hundred percent accurate. I basically, like you, recognize your inner mean girl, give her a name, identify when she's speaking and then counter what she's saying with truth and what you'd tell your best friend or someone you love saying with truth and what you'd tell your best friend or someone you love, and then figure out how you can better take care of your body. That might be something where it's like simultaneous, where it's like, okay, I'm going to mindfully eat this amazing like chicken breast, asparagus, quinoa dinner because it's so nourishing for my body, it's going to help my brain function, it's going to help propel me tomorrow in taking care of my kids and chasing after them and I can go to parks and not be tired. Like find ways to assign value or meaning to the things that you're putting into your body. Like this is going to empower me to go for the run that I do love to take, because some people just love running.

Shana:

I hate running. I hate it with a frigging passion so much, but, like one of my best friends runs marathons and I'm like you go, girl, like I could not, but she loves it and you have to fuel your body or else it will break. And not everyone is at that point where their body has broken because they've treated it so poorly. But it's a miserable state to be in, to not love the vessel that you live in. Do you know?

Becca:

what I mean. You're walking around. It's like every time you're down you kick yourself, Like that doesn't good. Yes, you just said something so important that I want to come back to. So many people just give affirmations. They're like, oh, you just have this and it's like that's not enough because no, it's not in your head.

Becca:

It's a belief that lives in your body. Right, like it is something, like it is happening unconsciously. And how you change that pattern is not just thinking cutesy affirmation. So like, let's say, I'm having a miserable, miserable body day and I'm like, okay, I do not, I'm having a really hard time loving or liking my body today.

Becca:

You said something so important, so you interrupt that lie with truth, and you do that sometimes by externalizing, when need to right, if you cannot believe it for yourself, find a part of you that can believe it for someone else. And then that truth to you, right, but something so powerful. You don't just think that thought and affirmation, you take action on it. Yeah, you don't just think that thought and affirmation, you take action on it. Yeah, you say this is the truth and I take action not just based off of what I'm thinking and feeling in the moment, action based off of my values, of how I believe people should be treated, and I am people. Yes, yes, right, if I believe that my daughter, like this, makes it so easy. If you are a mom, you have the quickest, easiest access to learn how to love yourself because you just decide that you are going to love yourself how you love your babies. Your son thought and felt this about your body yeah, his body. Would you change the way you're feeding him?

Shana:

Oh, my God no.

Becca:

The way that he's moving? Would you tell him to go do sprints because he needs to work off his dessert? Or would you tell him hey, you know what Our bodies feel really good when we go move after we eat a lot of sugar because that sugar just spiked us and so let's go like we need to sprint around. That is a whole different approach, because I think what diet culture has done, and also even body positivity I think body positivity can be toxic, positive where it makes no room for the very reality that, like you, can be very, extremely healthy and still have these thoughts and feelings on a regular basis, very, extremely healthy and still have these thoughts and feelings on a regular basis. But what makes you healthy is that you respond differently to them.

Becca:

You take action not based off of that shaming, awful, at times abusive, dysfunctional voice in your head or feeling in your body, and you take action based off of love, based off of what you value, based off of what has meaning, based off of what has meaning to you. So it's like finding confidence in your body is not just about your body, it's about what do you fundamentally believe? Yeah, and if you don't know, look at someone. You have all of the love and respect for and ask yourself what would you believe about them? What action would you take about them? Because you might look at another woman and be like, oh yeah, she's gained weight. You might notice that that's just your animal brain noticing things about people. There's nothing bad or wrong about it. Our eyes notice these things, but how much time and drama are you going to spend about it? If your friend gained 10 pounds, really, are you going to care? Are you going to make it mean something? Are you going to spiral out about what's wrong with her? No, never.

Shana:

No, like I don't know, and maybe it's just because of what I personally have gone through, but I think that we are meant to lift each other up, especially as women. Um, there's not enough of it. There's a lot of comparison and judgment and like trying to show up and being fake or not show up authentically. Um, I think we're meant to lift each other up and I think that it's not about the body that you're showing up in. It's about your, your soul, it's about your heart. It's about, like, how you're helping people, or like how you show up and make people laugh. It's how you show up and serve people, how you show up and do good work, like how you parent. It's about and it's not just how you, about what you do, it's like how you exist in this world. You know what I mean. It's about just, I guess there's like being human. You know like it's about having a human experience and enjoying it. We were not. I don't think we were put on this earth to be miserable.

Becca:

Can we just can we talk about comparison for a minute, Because I think comparison is even worse than it used to be so much social media has destroyed it.

Becca:

Social media has destroyed it, because, if you think about how we grew up in our generation, the impossible ideals were where they were on magazine covers, they were on TV, outsider of our reach. It was celebrities, right, who were both praised and demonized, right, they were idolized and then they were demonized, and so we see that. But now what we see is that, like all of these people who are influencers and not even just like influence and influencers, I mean that like, if you are on social media yeah, I think comparison is just something natural that happens in our animal bodies. I think it's very normal and natural for our animal bodies to say where do I fit in this pack? Where do I belong? What's my role? But I think comparison can either be a gift to us or it can paralyze us. And what I mean by a gift is I used to be in massive comparison, but if you would have asked me about it, I didn't think I did, because I did not compare myself as better than other women.

Becca:

I was massively insecure, but what I was doing is I was constantly scanning the room for who was better than me. Logically, I didn't think this, but I was constantly comparing my body to women on Instagram, right, like I think about when I was postpartum and I I used to have really big boobs and then I breastfed and then I had really small, flat boobs, and it's a journey, isn't it? It was a journey, but I remember like I was constantly seeing these women with implants and all of a sudden a gal came on my page who had like no boobs, like there, there was nothing there. And I remember seeing her and all of a sudden I was like I have been comparing myself as worse than women and I've never thought what if I looked at how beautiful she is for her and I didn't make it about me. But then I saw what was unique and crafted and like wonderful about her. So for a minute I unfollowed basically anyone who had fake tips. Love it Good.

Becca:

I can't see it because I'm making this about me, appreciating her and then letting me be me, and I think what I see in women now that I'm many years healed from that and healed not being that I'm perfect, healed being that when it comes up in me, I notice it and say I'm comparing me to her, she's different and what sucks about that? It doesn't just suck for me, who's comparing myself, it sucks for her because now I've pedestalized her and dehumanized her and now she is this caricature instead of getting to be this human person who is unique and different and wonderful. And it's like comparison can be the thief of joy. But I also, if you notice yourself comparing yourself to a woman but I also if you notice yourself comparing yourself to a woman you can start thinking what do I love about her, what do I like about her and what like you can make? You can make a positive meaning out of that of like.

Becca:

Oh, you know what she's really dedicated to taking care of her body. I wonder if that's something I want and oh, that's actually probably available to me. I wonder if she could teach me about it. Like, I think of business and how easy it is for me to compare myself so easy I'm not logically seeing other people and thinking, oh, you're better than me. But all of a sudden I'll notice that shame of like I am comparing myself, thinking she's better than me or she has something I don't, and it's like maybe she does have something I don't. Yeah, she could teach me.

Shana:

Ooh, heck yeah.

Becca:

That she could tell me about it or I can witness. Oh my gosh, I love that about her. What's something that I'm profoundly gifted in that I can go nurture and nourish? It's a totally different. I don't know what. How do you deal with comparison when you're noticing it? What does it feel like, what does it look like and what do you do?

Shana:

Great questions and you had such great insight to like being able to turn it into a gift. I love that Something. I think that it's like again, it's a rewiring of your brain when you notice yourself comparing instead of. This might sound silly or shallow, I don't know, but instead of finding a way to be like, oh wow, like this person's way better than me. Actually, I do have a good like analogy for this. I learned it from. I think it was like a youth, not youth group.

Shana:

In college, shortly after one of my close friends from home passed away, I found a really great group like a community group and we would learn it was a Christian group, but the gal who ran it she was like I have rage issues and she was so funny when she would talk about it, but she legit had like rage issues and she was like, yeah, if I have road rage, I've had to literally visualize myself like throwing hate at them because I wouldn't do that as a person. You know what I mean. So instead I'm going to throw joy at them and when you really like, you can think about that like with comparison, where, when you're looking at these other people, like God, I'm never going to have that, that's like spewing this negative energy at that person and at yourself. But if you think about it instead like I love the way that you were explaining it like almost turn it into a compliment.

Becca:

When I envy someone, when I'm jealous of someone, it's like, ooh, I want that, that's a me thing. And now, all of a sudden, I'm like excited for her and celebrating excitement. He has that. I want that too. It's like one walks by with a really good dessert. I don't see it and be like she has that really good dessert. I'm going to go up and be like where did you get that Exactly?

Shana:

Yeah, and like, turn it into excitement, turn your comparison into excitement and start by being like excited for the other person, like dude, that's so cool that you have that, like step one you've acknowledged, complimented, like it's awesome that you have that and I love that. What you added, like I want that, and being excited about it instead of being negative about like, oh, I don't have that. Cause. If you can and it's not a way of becoming more positive in a toxic positivity way it truly will rewire your brain to like find more good in things, because our brains are wired the way that we allow them to be. When you are constantly looking for bad things or for negativity or for comparison, like, your brain will find it. You will find it. But if you are trying to notice things that are empowering and uplifting, like, you will notice that and start to shift it. Hopefully that makes sense.

Becca:

That makes. That makes so much sense. And there's a difference between having a negative thought or feeling towards someone and then trying to wash it and that you're good Then and like transforming it into something good. Because this is one of my favorite things I want to say it's from Kasha Urbanek. I never know how to say her last name.

Becca:

Tell me, like a complaint that transformed into a desire. Like a complaint that transformed into a desire. What is if? Underneath comparison is really just this desire for something, but think of, like the feeling of desire versus the feeling of comparison, this feeling of celebrating someone else and the energy it gives them. That doesn't. It doesn't mean you're pretending those other things don't exist. It's changing the way that you relate to that part of you and not getting rid of the negative. It's not pretending those things don't exist or we don't feel them or think them or act on them. Sometimes it's huh, when is my choice in this? Where is my agency agency and how do I want to relate to it? It's not all of me, it's just a part of me. This is just a momentary experience. I find some resource inside of myself or outside of myself. I just okay this conversation.

Shana:

I love so good.

Shana:

That was so good else that just like you want to name, or something you would want to leave people with yes, um, so I love the podcast, the lady gang, and they're like, they're hilarious, they're like a basic bitch podcast of people who live in hollywood and they either have like been on tv for something or they have companies, whatever, but they it started out just kind of like talking shit and like really exposing like how Hollywood is and like I can actually attest to this because I did start out in Los Angeles producing TV commercials, working with models, working with actors Like they are real people with very real insecurities. They just have a talent for having a performance on screen, but like you wouldn't believe that how much they also need help becoming confident and showing up confidently. So that's one thing. But going back to comparison, the lady gang one of them was like I will always remember this quote don't compare your hustle to someone else's highlight reel on social media, because no one posts everything on social media.

Shana:

If you are scrolling through and you see, oh my gosh, this person is doing all these fun, amazing things, you don't see all the work that's going in behind the scenes, you don't see what their family life is like, you don't see the argument that they got into with their best friend that day. Like they're not sharing that, because a lot of people put out really curated content. I really try not to, because I think it's important for people to see all of the different aspects of everything that's happening. So that's, if you visit my page, that's definitely not what you're going to get.

Becca:

But don't compare your hustle to someone else's highlight reel, like that is what I always remind myself of if I feel less than yeah Well, and I want to name two I think it's really important to say, even if you are a very authentic person, which I think both of us we're not- showing and what you get online is such a flat version of a person. It's just, even if they're being authentic and real.

Becca:

There's some things that one just don't belong on social media because boundaries you're being an object because of boundaries, and then also it's just such a small flat moment where you're not getting the full reality of that human and they deserve to have that humanity, and so do you. I think a lot of it is this pedestalized leadership, where you put people on a pedestal as leaders, as therapists, as coaches, as influencers, and it's like, and so are you. This conversation was so amazing. Thank you so much for being on the podcast.

Shana:

Thank you for having me. I would love to come back.

Becca:

Awesome, thank you. Thank you, thanks for joining me on today's episode of the Motherhood Mentor Podcast. Make sure you have subscribed below so that you see all of the upcoming podcasts that are coming soon. I hope you take today's episode and you take one aha moment, one small, tangible piece of work that you can bring into your life, to get your hands a little dirty, to get your skin in the game. Don't forget to take up audacious space in your life. If this podcast moved you, if it inspired you, if it encouraged you, please do me a favor and leave a review, send an episode to a friend. This helps the show gain more traction. It helps us to support more moms, more women, and that's what we're doing here. So I hope you have an awesome day, take really good care of yourself and I'll see you next time.

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Shana Yurko

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