The Motherhood Mentor

Perfectionism or Permission: Transforming Ambition and Pressure in Motherhood & Business

• Rebecca Dollard: Somatic Mind-Body Life Coach, Enneagram Coach, Speaker, Boundaries Coach, Mindset • Season 1 • Episode 35

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In this episode of the Motherhood Mentor Podcast, we explore how perfectionism can shift from being a paralyzing pressure to a powerful permission for growth. In this solo episode with  Becca, a somatic healing practitioner and holistic life coach, we dive into the complex ways perfectionism shows up in both motherhood, relationships,  and entrepreneurship—often as fear masked by high standards and a consistent awareness in the gap. The gap between our ideals and desires- and the reality. We discuss how perfectionism can become a tool for personal growth rather than a barrier. We’ll look at different types of perfectionists—intense, procrastinator, messy—and how they impact our creativity, relationships, and self-worth.

Becca shares practical tips and real-life experiences to help you reframe perfectionism. You’ll learn how to embrace imperfection, release unrealistic expectations, and create a more fulfilling life with both ambition and compassion. And most of all, finally feel good enough with where you are- present with what is messy and magic. 

If you're ready to stop letting perfectionism hold you back and start giving yourself permission to grow in your messy, beautiful human experience—this episode is for you!

Resources and Recommendations from this episode: 

Liz Gilbert : Big Magic 

Anne Lamott 

Types of Perfectionism from The Perfectionists Guide to Losing Control by Katherine Morgan Schafler 

Find More here.

Chapter Markers

  • 0:02- Navigating Perfectionism
  • 3:34- Battling Perfectionism in Everyday Life
  • 10:56- Embracing and Balancing Perfectionism
  • 27:31- Navigating Unrealistic Expectations of Motherhood
  • 32:53- Understanding and Embracing Perfectionism Types
  • 44:51- Trusting and Healing Perfectionism



Join us next time as we continue to explore the multifaceted journey of motherhood.

Thank you for tuning in to The Motherhood Mentor. If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review us.

Stay connected with us on social media and share your thoughts and experiences tagging @themotherhoodmentor

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Motherhood Mentor Podcast. I'm Becca, a somatic healing practitioner and a holistic life coach for moms, and this podcast is for you. You can expect honest conversations and incredible guests that speak to health, healing and growth in every area of our lives. This isn't just strategy for what we do. It's support for who we are. I believe we can be wildly ambitious while still holding all of our soft and hard humanity as holy. I love combining deep inner healing with strategic systems and no-nonsense talk about what this season is really like. So grab whatever weird health beverage you're currently into and let's get into it. Hello, hello, welcome to this month's membership call. I am so excited.

Speaker 1:

Today we are going to be talking about perfectionism. Perfectionism is just one of those things that is showing up a lot with the women that I work with, and it's such a sneaky topic because I think it's one that we don't always understand, especially because a lot of the women that I work with, we've done a lot of coaching, a lot of therapy and a lot of times you've worked through some of the more cognitive forms of perfectionism and shame and you're not necessarily having this cognitive perfectionism where you're constantly thinking I'm not good enough, I don't feel good enough, I'm not doing a good enough job, or you know this isn't enough. It's happening in your body, it's happening somatically, it's happening in your felt sense of enoughness, of worth, of worthiness, and it it feels like this pressure. It feels like nothing you ever do is quite good enough, like it's more of a sensation of a tightness in your shoulders, a pressure in your business. It's not as much that cognitive perfectionism. So we're going to talk a little bit about what perfection looks like and how we can actually allow perfectionism to be something that serves us and supports us.

Speaker 1:

So I wanted to read this quote from Liz Gilbert. This is in her book Big Magic, but she says I think perfectionism is just fear and fancy shoes and a mink coat, pretending to be elegant, when actually it's just terrified, because underneath the shiny veneer, perfectionism is nothing more than a deep existential angst that says again and again I am not good enough and I will never be good enough, but it's just terror. Perfectionism is the lie that says there's a rent you have to pay to be on this earth. But it's not true. And one of the things that I have found to be true for perfectionism is that a lot of times, it's rooted in shame. It's rooted in the internalized witness of I'm not good enough as I am. The full reality, the full mess and humanity of me isn't shiny enough, isn't pretty enough, isn't fast enough or productive enough or focused enough or refined or classy or whatever that might mean for you. And what's interesting is that perfectionism can show up in so many different areas and in so many different ways and in so many different ways, and I think it feels and sounds differently to each woman. So a little bit about what we're going to be covering today is what perfectionism really is and what it feels like, how perfectionism can actually be really helpful and how to avoid it hurting you, and also some visuals and tools for navigating this part of you, and then, of course, some open coaching and connection at the end.

Speaker 1:

So what even is perfectionism? Well, what it's not is people who actually think and expect that everything has to be perfect or without flaw. Again, it's usually not someone who's saying this has to be absolutely flawless in order for me to be perfect or without flaw. Again, it's usually not someone who's saying this has to be absolutely flawless in order for me to be okay. It's this deep, constant or consistent nagging or thought that you aren't good enough or that something is wrong. There's this tangible awareness of how things could be better, no matter how good they get. That's really important. Like this consistent nagging feeling about how things could be consistently better, no matter how good they get.

Speaker 1:

You're constantly moving the carrot. Every time you reach it, it's like for a moment you celebrate it and then you're like what's next? How can it be even better? It's this constant refining. It can be felt as this general of feeling bad or shame, this paralyzing need to be, like constantly moving forward, the feeling of hitting the brakes and the gas at the same time. Or the feeling of there's a brick stuck on the gas pedal and you can't slow down or you can't take a break, you can't rest. Or when you do go to rest, it doesn't feel good, it feels weird. Your body is like what is this? This is terrible, I don't like it. Or as soon as your body is resting, your mind starts overthinking and overfunctioning.

Speaker 1:

For you, there can be this feeling of not enough. There can be avoidance to create or speak or sell or do anything before it's just right, this constant fine-tuning without taking brave action. There can be an inability to access, play, pleasure, connection or celebration as something you have to earn or something you will only allow once blank is done, achieved or met. But that carrot is always moving. So every time you say, well, once I make six figures in my business, then I'll rest. But then you make six figures and you just move the needle and you say, oh well, now I need to make sure my systems are up to date. And here is the thing that is so.

Speaker 1:

I think tricky with perfectionism is that so many of us have deeply intertwined this perfectionistic, maladaptive shame to our ambition. We think that if we heal or rest from this perfectionistic pressure and this constant going that you're going to lose your ambition, that you're going to lose your drive. But they actually, the more that you heal them, the more that you integrate this, the more permission you will feel for your drive and ambition. And a lot of times the way that I describe perfectionism is that it can be maladaptive and that you always feel this pressure or this paralyzing feeling or fear of it's not good enough. It's and that again, that might be cognitive, but it also might be this felt sense in your body of it doesn't feel good enough. It's good, but it's not quite there and you don't actually ever get to like, savor and really experience the goodness because you're constantly focused on how it could be better or what's coming next or what's the next goal, versus ambition and healthy perfectionism is thank you more please, oh my gosh, I love this. How do I create even more of this? You more, please, oh my gosh, I love this. How do I create even more of this? Oh my gosh, this tastes so good. I want more. It's this permission of existing versus this pressure of I have to fit this exact mold. I have to check off every box in order to be okay. It's the difference of trying to earn and work for your worth versus working from your worth. It is I am a valuable, worthy human being, not I have to try to be something.

Speaker 1:

Often, perfectionists experience a really strong and active and almost compulsive drive to be better or to improve, whether that's internally or externally and specifically in certain areas of your life. So there's some different areas that your perfectionism can really show up right your creative work, your personal growth, healing relationships, parenting, entrepreneurship, your body, your health, your home, your schedule, your habits. If you notice that you are often all in or all out, that on again, off again, all like I'm on the train or I'm off the train. You might be experiencing perfectionism. You might be experiencing perfectionism and, again, this isn't about what you're doing.

Speaker 1:

It's not in that you can't have this hunger or this desire for things to be better. It's is this hunger me honoring my innate desire for more? Or is this me feeling the pressure like I'm chasing, having my worth and my value defined by something outside of myself? Am I trying to prove my own worth, either to other people or myself, by trying to be good instead of believing that I already am good, and then looking at what I want to create in this world? Perfectionism sees and tangibly feels the ideals and the possibility, but what makes it adaptive and helpful or unhelpful is the way that we're using it or not using it right.

Speaker 1:

So perfectionism is only one part of you, not all of you. So I want you to picture that you are at a table of all of these different parts and pieces of you your ambition, your rest, your desire, the mom part of you, the business part of you, the ambitious part of you, the lazy part of you, the part of you that wants to procrastinate, the part of you that wants to get shit done, the part of you that wants to rest, the part of you that wants to play, the part of you that wants to work, the part of you that wants a clean home, the part of you that wants to read another romance book instead of doing the dishes. I want you to picture that there is this table of all of these different parts and pieces of you, and perfectionism is just one part, just one piece, one voice at the table, and we just want to make sure that she's not the only voice, that she's not the only one running the show, and that this perfectionism is this permission. Again, I don't want us to lose this part of us that sees the ideal, that sees the gap, that sees the possibility in things and is kind of ridiculously audacious, bold, maybe a little crazy to think what if just a little piece of that was possible? I don't want to lose that part of me. I don't want to lose that part of me that says what if this could just be a little bit better and a little bit better? I think that's called maturity, I think that's called growth. I think that's how we grow up, how we continue growing up, even once we become adults.

Speaker 1:

There's a lot of women who they never saw their parents change. They never saw their parents grow up and so they thought once we get here, there's nowhere else. And then there's so many of us who are awakening to like they thought once we get here, there's nowhere else. And then there's so many of us who are awakening to like what else could we do? How much better can we get at this parenting thing? How much healthier can we get in our bodies? How much more can I accomplish and create with my business? How much good can this ministry do?

Speaker 1:

And I don't want us to lose that ambition. I don't want us to lose that part of us that says you know, here's reality, here's the start point of reality and here's where we could go with it. I want us to see the gap of growth, I want us to see the possibility. But what if that possibility could be permission, like this wide open space in your body, this energy, this gas in the tank, of imagine what we could do versus this constant nagging pressure of I don't feel good about myself, I don't feel good about my business, it's not fast enough, it's not good enough, it's not big enough. It's not successful enough. It's not classy enough. I'm not nice enough or fun enough or cute enough or sexy enough. It's this, I'm never enough. It's not classy enough. I'm not nice enough or fun enough or cute enough or sexy enough. It's this, I'm never enough. It's this pressure, it's this.

Speaker 1:

Whenever I fall, I kick myself versus whenever I fall, I'm going to figure out how to get back up. I'm going to pick myself up and try again. I'm not going to penalize myself for my humanity and the reality, because there is a pretty big gap between reality and your ideals. The grief some of the biggest grief in motherhood and in entrepreneurship that I've experienced, is the grief of the reality, of what it looks like and feels like, versus the ideal, the desire, the ambition or the picture that I had in my head of what I would be like as a mom versus the reality of who I am as a mom, I would be massively disappointed because my reality does not match my idealistic version of who I am, and one of the biggest things that I've done in healing the last couple of years is to make peace with the dynamic range of that like part of being holy, part of being ambitious part of being successful is also inviting massive amounts of permission for my reality. And what does it look like to still have accountability for what I can control and then letting go of what I don't control, realizing that an idea I have in my head is very different than walking it out?

Speaker 1:

A lot of times we in perfectionism you get to a yellow light or you get to a red light and you just panic. It feels terrible because we haven't allowed for these cycles of humanity that say sometimes you're going to come against resistance that you didn't see coming and you know what? Sometimes it's an inner resistance and sometimes it's an outer resistance, and especially for perfectionists, we tend to take over responsibility not only for ourselves but the people in our lives. Most women take over accountability for other people's emotional experiences, for their kids' happiness, for their partner's happiness, for the satisfaction not only of themselves but everyone else in their lives, and so that's one of those ways that perfectionism can really show up. So let's talk a little bit more about perfectionism, and especially this aspect of it can be maladaptive or it can be adaptive. So maladaptive perfectionism is often this shaming witness.

Speaker 1:

So when we are using perfectionism as this internal and external expectation, which can be a massive force for pressure, anxiety, fear, procrastination and burnout. When it's showing up like this in our lives, it often has us missing or even putting off permission, trust, power and access to truly experiencing pleasure, joy, safety, connection right. So many women who are living in perfectionism connection right. So many women who are living in perfectionism. They're missing out on connection because they're in the room but they're not really in the room Because internally they're chasing a carrot. They're never eating the carrot. They're always saying how could I be a better mom, instead of just looking at the face of their kid and being in awe or being in the reality of like, oh, this isn't the best moment and that's okay, that's part of it.

Speaker 1:

It often holds unrealistic standards as proof for shame or fear, and that unrealistic standard part is really hard, because one of the things with shame is that you think it's realistic for you, but you would never hold someone you love to that same standard or you would never hold them to that standard in that way. And here's what I mean about this. I want you to think of someone in your life, a friend or a daughter, who you just love and adore, and I want you to think about the standards that you hold her to, what you expect from her, and I want you to realize how much room you have for her humanity. And you know, on your worst days you might not hold your daughter's humanity well, but I want you to think of on your best days when you see someone you love's humanity days when you see someone you love's humanity. Do you kick them when they're down? Now you might help them pull themselves back up by their bootstraps. You might give them tough love. You might say you are better than this, you deserve this. But you do not treat them like they're a piece of shit because they're in that you give them compassion and grace and you hold them accountable.

Speaker 1:

Yes, love is not a weak emotion. It's a very strong emotion and it's not always pleasant and it's not always comfortable. So what you have to understand is, when I'm teaching you to get out of perfectionism and to use compassion and grace for yourself, I'm not saying you don't also use grit and tough love. And actually I think that's really powerful, that you don't let go of that part of you that says get up. I love you right where you are, but I love you too much to leave you there. Don't lose that part of your perfectionism. But the thing we need to teach that part of you, we need to teach that part of you of like this doesn't work, this doesn't feel good, this isn't love. It's abusive, it's manipulative. It's a shitty boyfriend trying to give you what you want only to get what he wants out of you. That's maladaptive perfectionism. Right, if you had a friend who was dating a guy and the only time he did things for her was when he wanted something out of her, versus like I love you, so I'm going to do this for you. And it doesn't mean he doesn't expect things. It doesn't mean he doesn't have values or standards or expectations in the relationship, but it's double-sided. It's how does this serve both of us?

Speaker 1:

Perfectionism Do you have a healthy relationship to your ambition? Does your ambition love you back as much as you love it? Because if your ambition feels like this thing that is constantly forcing you to do things that you don't want to, and it feels like your foot is stuck on the gas pedal and you can never slow down, that doesn't feel good, that's not love, that's not a healthy relationship. We need to have that perspective of what is realistic. How are you holding yourself to accountability, to your values and your standards? And you know, part of that is making room for all of your messy humanity, for the process, for realizing that, like failure isn't a failure of identity or worth or value. It's a lesson that you're learning, it's something that you're figuring out or you know what. It's just a part of life.

Speaker 1:

So let's talk adaptive perfectionism. Adaptive perfectionism is going to feel like you have so much permission and desire. It's this internal GPS and this internal gas pedal of. I trust my brakes, but I also trust that gas pedal, but I also trust that gas pedal. It's like when we're dealing with perfectionism, our calibration of our go and our stop are miscalculated because it's this all or nothing. And think for a moment how terrifying it would be to be in a car where, every time you push the gas pedal, it went 90 miles an hour and as soon as you did it, you can't stop, but then, all of a sudden, you'll run out of gas and as soon as you go to, you can't stop, but then, all of a sudden, you'll run out of gas and as soon as you go to push that gas pedal, it brings you immediately to a stop and it just keeps throwing you in and out of this constant imbalanced state.

Speaker 1:

What most people, what most women, are searching for, I have found over and over and over. When women tell me they want more balance, they're not talking about. I need to know that they think there's this like perfect speed for them. They think there is some magical equation of if I just go 45 and I can just put on that cruise control and I'll be good, that's not the season you're in, friend, that's not mother foot. That's not mother foot, that's not motherhood.

Speaker 1:

You can't just cruise control your way through this season. You can't cruise control your way through motherhood or through entrepreneurship, because the reality is that you need a dynamic range of health, and what I mean by that is there are times in motherhood where you need to fucking go. You need to put your foot on the gas, you need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, you need to show the hell up. Maybe it's for you, maybe for it's your kids. You need grit, you need accountability, you need masculine energy. And then there are times in motherhood where it is so much healthier for you or for the people you love that you put your foot on the brakes that you cruise at 35, that you cruise at 50, that you cruise at 25. Think of the dynamic range of health that you have when you are driving your car the different speeds, the different zones when you're turning, when there's construction, when there's a stoplight, when there's a toddler in the back screaming. You need a different range and you need to be the one in control of that gas and that brake, not these younger parts of you, not your shadow side of you who just constantly tells you you can't do anything and not to show up to your habits.

Speaker 1:

Right, there are women who they are under, functioning as a coping mechanism, and it's a lot more obvious when they're struggling because people on the outside can see like they're not taking action, they're not taking care of themselves, they're not making moves. And you know what that might be in life, that might be in their home, that might be in their health, that might be in their motherhood. Right, they're under parenting, they're not showing up to the hard decisions. They right, they're under parenting. They're not showing up to the hard decisions, they're not making action. But what's also very sneaky is there's these women who are on overdrive and they're in the all, part of the all or nothing and they've been stuck there for a long time of over-functioning, of over-parenting, over-taking care of the house, over-stressing about their health and their business. And it looks really good a lot of times, but it can feel terrible.

Speaker 1:

So I'm not as concerned about what your life looks like. I'm not concerned about how pretty or wonderful it looks. I'm concerned about how it feels. I'm concerned about the roots of health. I want to know about the reasons you're making the decisions and if there's actually decisions you're making or if you feel like your life is being driven by someone else other than you. Who and what, and like what force? Where is the life force in you? Are you an ownership of your energy, your capacity, your creativity, your ambition and your rest and your play? Are you the person in the driver's seat? That's what healing from perfectionism looks like. That's what adaptive perfectionism looks like.

Speaker 1:

Like I said, I haven't lost my ambition. In fact, I get more and more ambitious all of the time, and yet I'm also. I'm not only in relationship to my ambition, I'm in relationship to my capacity, I'm in relationship to my wellbeing, I'm in relationship to what my life requires of me and what I require of my life. I have a relationship to my gas pedal and also my brake. I know that I can do it all and have it all, but I'm also very aware that it also depends how much gas is in my tank. And I do when I tell you I am doing everything I know to do to put gas in my tank.

Speaker 1:

But I'm also aware that there are going to be seasons where I do not have as much to give. There are going to be seasons where it is healthier for me to go slower. There are seasons where it is way more fun to go fast, and slow doesn't feel good Sometimes. Slow is not the pace of health for me and I want to go fast, I want to go hard, I want to go crazy, I want to have grit, I want to do brave things, I want to put myself out of my comfort zone. And then there's times where I say I just want to lay down with my heat pad and be cozy, and sometimes I mean that literally and sometimes I mean that figuratively. There is nothing wrong and in fact it is so much healthier for human beings to have cycles and zones of health, to have a wide range of how we show up and I just want to name that.

Speaker 1:

There's some of you listening to the podcast where that's available to you and then there's going to be others where that doesn't feel as accessible to you, maybe because of the way that your work is set up, maybe you work for someone where you don't control the schedule, or you know you're in a season of motherhood where it's like, well, great, my toddler is either on or off and it's like okay, but what about the margins? What about what you do control? Because one of the things that happens with perfectionism, again, is that we tend to have this over or under relationship to what is within our control and what is not in our control. I find most women and if you're in the victim-y zone, you're probably taking under responsibility for what you do and don't control or how you respond to what you control and react to. Some of you are taking over responsibility and you are constantly feeling like you are always the problem and you are always a solution. And one of the things that I'm regularly doing in coaching calls is reminding women that you are not always the problem, like it's not always your bullshit, it's not always your circus or your monkeys or your thing to figure out and that's really healthy boundaries to know. Is this even mine? Am I taking accountability and control and responsibility for something that's not even mine to do? It's not. It's not, my hands can't touch it, my heart can't reach it, I don't have the capacity or I don't even have the authority to act on this, and yet I'm taking emotional or mental responsibility for it. I'm spending my time overthinking something that I can't take action on. This is a great example of this is in parenting. Some women have this goal of well, I just want my kids to be happy and healthy. That's a terrible goal for motherhood. It's not in your control to make sure your kid is happy and healthy. Ask any mom whose kid has had a health scare, no matter how healthy their family is. I mean man.

Speaker 1:

I experienced this massively when my daughter was young. My first pregnancy was a miscarriage and I had this massive feeling of what did I do? What could I have done? And so then, when I was pregnant, I got really focused, really intentional about health and wellness and food and don't get me wrong, I think that was really really good. But one of the things that happened in early motherhood for me is I was very perfectionistic, of I had unrealistic goals and values, of I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure she doesn't get sick. What a silly goal to have for a human being. Because guess what is part of the human experience? The kid's going to get sick. I don't care how good her immune system was or how good our eating was, or how long I kept her from eating gluten and dairy and how long I breastfed. The kid got sick.

Speaker 1:

And then I felt like it was my fault. I felt like I could have done something better. I should have done something better. I had this overinflated sense of control, as if I could do something to prevent her from ever being sick or unhappy. And it's like it was a rude awakening to life when I had a colicky kid who, no matter what I did, she didn't seem happy. She was crying and I wish I could just go give, like that younger Becca, that early mom Becca, a big hug and be like you're doing such a great job, like you are taking accountability for who and how you are as a parent, and that's beautiful.

Speaker 1:

But something I learned later on in motherhood is that, like I don't control my kids being happy and healthy. That's not realistic. They're going to have a human experience and I hate that. I hate that for us. One of the biggest griefs I had in motherhood was it doesn't matter how good I do this job, my kids are going to have a human experience and some of that human experience is going to be shitty, it's going to be sickness, it's going to be disappointment. I'm going to disappoint them. I'm going to hurt them, no matter how hard I try.

Speaker 1:

But perfectionism is try a little harder, try a little harder, you'll get there. It's just right there. It's just out of reach. It's just one Pinterest project, it's one clean house. It's eliminating this from their diets. And hear me when I say this. It's not that there's these. There's sometimes.

Speaker 1:

I would say, there's sometimes clear things for me where I say this is healthy for my kids and this is not healthy for my kids, and I'm going to make a decision on that. That is very different than this perfectionistic. It doesn't matter how fast I run. The treadmill goes faster. It doesn't matter how fast I run, the treadmill goes faster. It doesn't matter how good I get as a mom. I don't feel good enough. I don't feel like I'm doing a good job. It's because you're chasing an unrealistic standard. You're chasing this perfectionistic. Shame of something's wrong with you, you're not good, of something's wrong with you, you're not good.

Speaker 1:

So, again, that adaptive, healthy perfectionism is this deep connection and permission for me to say I want to be really intentional about my kid's health and happiness. What does that look like when I'm also considering the dynamic range of health? What does that look like when I'm also considering the dynamic range of health? What does that look like when I'm looking at the full range of a human experience? And guess what? That includes messiness. That includes failures, that includes massive and minuscule fuck-ups. Welcome to it. That is the human experience. And I like again, that's the grief of being human it sucks. It sucks sometimes, no matter how good we do it.

Speaker 1:

I have this quote that I use often of I don't have a pretty bow to tie on that. I don't have a way to make that pretty or perfect, and that is one of the hardest lessons I had to learn as a perfectionist, as a recovering perfectionist, as someone who has decided to never lose that part of me who constantly wants things to be better and better and better is that there are going to be pieces of myself or other people, or my marriage or my motherhood or my business that I look at and say I don't have a pretty bow for this, I don't have a way to silver line it. There it is. And then, okay, what is within my control? What can I do? How do I show up to this in the healthiest way that I can? What is my capacity? What resource can I bring to this? How can other people influence this in a powerful way? Right, part of perfectionism for a lot of women is they do it all themselves. One of my new practices is like how much help can I get? How much can other people infuse their magic into this? So it's not all on me.

Speaker 1:

So let's talk a little bit about some types of perfectionism. And, by the way, this is from the book the Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control by Catherine Schaefer, which, by the way, is one of my all-time favorite perfectionism books. I think she nails it. She nails the experience. She gives really great examples. She gives really tangible tools. It's a great, great book. So she describes the types of perfectionism really tangible tools. It's a great, great book. But so she describes the types of perfectionism.

Speaker 1:

So there is intense perfectionism, which is. These people are effortlessly direct. They maintain razor sharp focus on achieving their goal, left unchecked. Their standards can go from high to impossible and they can be punitive with others and themselves for not achieving impossible standards. Then there's the classic perfectionists. They are highly reliable, consistent and detail-oriented. They add stability to their environment Left unchecked. They struggle to adapt to spontaneity or change in their routine and they can often experience difficulty connecting meaningfully with others. Then there's the Parisian perfectionists meaningfully with others. Then there's the Parisian perfectionists they possess a live wire understanding of the power of interpersonal connection and hold a strong capacity for empathy. Left unchecked. Their desire to connect to others can metastasize into toxic people-pleasing and social anxiety. That one hit me hard when I read it in her book, because it was one of the first times I had realized how much perfectionism impacted my relationships.

Speaker 1:

I experience perfectionism way more in relationships than I do in my business Absolutely 100%, and part of that is just. I am a relationship person. I'm an Enneagram too. My relationships to me, my like, interpersonality with other people is almost always the most important thing to me, even more than business success. So, like, if I look at things in my business that are going to bother me the perfectionism side of me most. It's going to be the connection with my clients. It's going to be if my marketing is helpful and supportive and kind to the other people, if I'm doing a good enough job. Right.

Speaker 1:

The procrastinator perfectionists they excel at preparing, can see opportunities from a 360 perspective and have good impulse control. Left unchecked, the preparation measures reaches a point of diminishing returns, resulting in indecisive and inaction. Aka, you will plan things all day, you will make a scheme, you will overthink it, you will plan, you will prepare, you will map it out, but then you don't take action because there's always just one more thing you can do to make it better, to make it ready. So much so that you have a really hard time stopping or starting. Sorry, messy perfectionists they effortlessly push through the anxiety of new beginnings, are superstar idea generators and they adapt to spontaneity well and are naturally enthusiastic. Left unchecked, they struggle to stay focused on their goals and ultimately they spread their energy too thin and they end up not following through on their commitments.

Speaker 1:

So I'm curious what type of perfectionist are you feeling most aligned to? Now? You can have multiple types and also remember none of these are inherently bad. This isn't. None of this is evidence to use to beat yourself up with. None of this is to be used for what is wrong with you or another way that you put yourself in a little box.

Speaker 1:

It's just interesting to know huh, what have I been up to? How have I been using this strategy that doesn't work for me anymore? And here's the thing it worked for you in some way, it served you in some season, and it might even be serving you in specific ways right now. And so, especially like, one of the things that I do as a coach is we're always looking and thinking about this, this part of me, the sabotaging or this thing that I don't like. How is it really actually serving me and what is it trying to do? Because it usually has a lot of innate wisdom. It has some magical medicine that you need. It just doesn't have another way of getting it. It's trying to do a job and it maybe doesn't have updated information on how to do that job right. The strategy was working, but it was off. It worked on paper, but it doesn't feel good in person.

Speaker 1:

So how we heal that relationship to ourselves and our perfectionism is again noticing when this perfectionism is a pressure, when it's a shame when it's kicking you, when you're down, when it's criticizing you, or when it's pulling you up, when it's pulling you forward, when it's saying okay, here's the gap and I'm going to beat you over the head with it and make you feel bad and ashamed and afraid, or here's the gap. Look at all this space you have to grow. Look at all of this permission and wide open air. It should feel like you can breathe again, like your lungs and your throat and your body are open again to being showing up, to being showing up, and a big part of this is learning how to trust yourself, trusting yourself with your gas and with your brakes, with your pace, with your direction.

Speaker 1:

Am I the one choosing, or is there this one part of me that's kind of dictating everything? Am I, on this, all or nothing, where I'm not giving myself room for subtlety and nuance and polarity? Right, there's so often these multiple truths within you and when you can play with that, when you can play with, oh my gosh, there's a part of me that loves this, but there's a part of me that's tired. Right, I think of the women who are like oh my gosh, there's so much good, but I can see it on their faces and it's like, yeah, that is good. How does it feel? And they're like I'm tired, but it's all good. And it's like tell me more about the tired, tell me more about that part of you that's tired, because I know she's not as shiny, I know she's not as fun to talk about. I know that feels more vulnerable and a little bit pokey and a little less fun to talk about. But I actually care about that tired part of you and the shiny part of you, the part of you that's really productive, but also the part of you that, like, doesn't want to give a shit anymore.

Speaker 1:

What is amazing is when you can be in a holistic, healthy relationship to all of those parts of you, you can lead those parts of you well. You can show up for them. You can know when they need some grace and compassion and comfort and when they need a little bit of grit and get up Right. Sometimes we need that, get up energy. Sometimes we need some tough love on ourselves. I'm a big fan of that. I'm a big fan of a lot of the self-care you need.

Speaker 1:

Isn't gonna feel great right when you do it Like boundaries. Boundaries don't feel good. Conflict, conflict feels terrible, but so many times we don't have peace because we're avoiding doing things that don't feel good. Or you've gone to the other end where you're constantly doing stuff that doesn't feel good and you've forgotten that the whole point of it is to like have some fun. You've gotten so good at the like, holding yourself accountable that you're not having like a loving, connected relationship to your life anymore. You're not enjoying it, like you're checking off the boxes of motherhood. But are you connected to your kids? Are you enjoying them? Are you soaking it up? And I'm not saying all the time, I'm saying what's the feeling of your life, what's the vibes?

Speaker 1:

I was about to say I was like what's the vibes? What is happening with me? How does it all feel? What is your experience of it? Because I don't care if it looks good, if it doesn't feel good. If it gets you shiny gold stars, that's great. I'm excited for you and I'll be the first one to celebrate it. But I'm also going to ask is this what you wanted? Do you feel so proud? Do you like the way you did it? Do you like the way it felt? Did you get to taste it? Did you get to feel it? Did you get to savor it? Do you like the way it felt? Did you get to taste it? Did you get to feel it? Did you get to savor it? Because that also matters, because where are you in a rush to get? What are you in a rush to create? What is this all for?

Speaker 1:

And maybe that's a little too existential for you, that's fine. I'm an existential person. It's just how I live my life. I'm a lot, I'm too much person. It's just how I live my life. I'm a lot, I'm too much. I'm okay with it. I've learned to trust that part of myself, even if it's a little much sometimes. So again, thinking about your breaks, your capacity, your needs, your reality, your limits, your no, your overwhelm, your tired, your desire to lay down and rest, your receiving this is so, so important. Part of the breaks in your life is learning how to receive, how to ask for help, how to hire help, how to bring people in to cheer you on, where, even if they can't do it for you, they can be with you while you do it. One of the most powerful things in my life is surrounding myself, both in friendship, but also, like professionally, in masterminds and in support groups of.

Speaker 1:

I need people who get it. I need people cheering me on. I need people who can see a little bit of head of me. I need people who don't have their head up their own ass, like, when it comes to my business, I have my head up my own ass, it's just. It's just what happens to us. Okay, we're so much in it that we, like, don't have the clear perspective and this is something really powerful for perfectionism is that there will be so many times where I am beating myself up for something in my business and the only thing that can shake me out of it is witnessing someone else, or having someone else witness my business and see what I'm not seeing, call out what I'm like missing, and almost always especially because I'm so intentional with who I have do that. They're able to bring the life out. They're able to say I love you where you're at and I love you too much to leave you there. They're going to infuse life and energy and permission and ideas and tangible. It's like putting gas in my tank. Whether I need to push the gas or the brakes, there's this energy that comes of having someone behind you who has your back that is so powerful for your life.

Speaker 1:

Also, what's really important when you're healing this perfectionism is to start giving a little bit more light to those parts of you that you typically ignore. So the parts of you that are rebellious, the parts of you that want to push back, the parts of you that say I don't want to. Rebellious, the parts of you that want to push back the parts of you that say I don't want to. If you've ever done inner child healing, a lot of that will bring out your victim-y side, which is very normal, and then you'll go through this inner teen healing a lot of times, especially if your kids are in the teenage years, where you will encounter the inner toddler or inner teen healing of I don't want to Fuck you. Nothing you do makes me happy, super cute, super fun. But those parts of you, they're actually really powerful to work with. They actually have some sort of innate wisdom and permission that if you can get to know them, if you can spend a little bit of time with them and, you know, ideally with a practitioner who can help you, you know, not make them.

Speaker 1:

A lot of us are afraid of shadow work because we're like I don't want it to take over my life. This overeating. It can't be good for me, this overworking and like constantly killing myself. There's no way it's good for me. I just need to get rid of it. There's a reason it's working.

Speaker 1:

It's a really, really smart adaptation. It works really well until it doesn't, until it doesn't feel good. But we can't just eliminate it. You can learn how to relate to it, how to parent it, how to be with it, how to bring it back into health, how to update it to your current level of capacity, your current level of maturity, your current level of health, your current values, your gas, your perfectionism, your ambition, your desires, your ideals, your performance, your productivity, your self-discipline, your giving, your asking, your grit those are all powerful parts of you that we don't want to lose. So what does it look like to trust yourself? Your ambition, your desires, but also your capacity, your humanity, your messy, messy humanity. Because here's the thing you cannot outrun your humanity. You cannot outgrow it, you cannot outperform your reality. You're going to always have a human experience. You might as well learn to be with it, you might as well learn how to make peace with it, and that peace is not always going to be fun and pretty.

Speaker 1:

So much of healing perfectionism is learning to love the parts of us that are not shiny, and realizing that we're still good and there's nothing wrong with the shiny parts of us either. Like when you learn to not hide the shiny parts of you either, to not dull them or make them smaller or seem less insignificant so you don't make other people fear. It's so powerful. Okay, I hope that this gave you something tangible to work with, to remind yourself of, to shift a pattern in your life. If you want some one-on-one help with this, you let me know. Let's book a call. This is one of those big things that I really help women heal from to really trust themselves with their dynamic range of health, to feel like they are in a healthy relationship to their self-life, leadership, right their gas, their brakes, their speed, their pace, their direction of you know what is it that you're going for and are you getting there? I would love to work with you if that's something that you're working on. I think it's a powerful thing that can be really hard to work on alone Because, again, when you're alone, you don't have the perspective of how internalized the shame can be.

Speaker 1:

I want to read this short little poem from Anne Lamott. As a way to end this, she says oh my God, what if you wake up someday and you're 65 or 75 and you never got your novel or your memoir written, or you didn't go swimming in warm pools or oceans because your thighs were jiggly, or you had a nice big, comfortable tummy, or you just so strung out on perfectionism and people pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy, creative life of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like you did when you were a kid. It's going to break your heart. Don't let this happen. I am wishing you all of the creativity and a big juicy life, all of it the messy, the shiny, the fun, the ambition, the rest, the neediness. Leave yourself alone a little bit, give yourself some permission and let off of the pressure and see what happens.

Speaker 1:

A really practical exercise that you can do with this is to write it down on a piece of paper and then let it fall on the floor and then you look at it and you decide if you want to pick it up. You decide is this mine to pick up? And if it is mine to pick up, you find something inside of you that says I want to pick this up. I choose to pick this up, and why that's powerful is it helps you reaccess your agency and your choice.

Speaker 1:

Perfectionism usually isn't running off of choice or agency. It's running off a narrative of I have to do this, I should do this, this is what's expected of me or this is what's required of me. It's putting the permission and the agency and the worth outside of yourself, and what happens when you are the one picking it up is you say I don't have to unless I want to. And then you find that part of you that says I do want to do this, this is mine and I'm going to own it and I'm going to take care of it and like this is my kind of hard. Or you say this isn't mine and I'm not going to carry it around anymore. It's too heavy, or it's not under my control, or it's not mine.

Speaker 1:

Or you know what? I think I'm done with this narrative, and then you leave it, or you burn it, or you put it in a little ball and then you go bury it in the garden, so that it that that grief of what you thought would be or who you thought you should be, or would be or could be, or who you thought your parents would be, or what you thought motherhood would look like, or what you thought your business journey would look like, or what's happening in your marriage, and you just let that grief and that humanity and that mess, you let it compost and you let it be life for another day, and then you give yourself permission for the reality that there's not always a pretty bow, and then sometimes there are really pretty bows and they're even better and more magical than you ever could have expected. But you allow that full life experience to happen. I hope you have a lovely day and I'll see you later.

Speaker 1:

Take one aha moment, one small, tangible piece of work that you can bring into your life, to get your hands a little dirty, to get your skin in the game. Don't forget to take up audacious space in your life. If this podcast moved you, if it inspired you, if it encouraged you, please do me a favor and leave a review. Send an episode to a friend. This helps the show gain more traction. It helps us to support more moms, more women, and that's what we're doing here. So I hope you have an awesome day, Take really good care of yourself and I'll see you next time.

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