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The Motherhood Mentor
Welcome to The Motherhood Mentor Podcast your go-to resource for moms seeking holistic healing and transformation. Hosted by mind-body somatic healing practitioner and holistic life coach Becca Dollard.
Join us as we explore the transformative power of somatic healing, offering practical tools and strategies to help you navigate overwhelm, burnout, and stress. Through insightful conversations, empowering stories, and expert guidance, you'll discover how to cultivate resilience, reclaim balance, and thrive in every aspect of your life while still feeling permission to be a human. Are you a woman who is building a business while raising babies who refuses to burnout? These are conversations and support for you.
We believe in the power of vulnerability, connection, and self-discovery, and our goal is to create a space where you feel seen, heard, and valued.
Whether you're juggling career, family, or personal growth, this podcast is your sanctuary for holistic healing and growth all while normalizing the ups and downs, the messy and the magic, and the wild ride of this season of motherhood.
Your host:
Becca is a mom of two, married for 14years to her husband Jay living in Colorado. She is a certified somatic healing practitioner and holistic life coach to high functioning moms. She works with women who are navigating raising babies, building businesses, and prioritizing their own wellbeing and healing. She understands the unique challenges of navigating being fully present in motherhood while also wanting to be wildly creative and ambitious in her work. The Motherhood Mentor serves and supports moms through 1:1 coaching, in person community, and weekend retreats.
Follow on IG: @themotherhoodmentor , send me a dm and let me know you found me through the podcast!
Website: https://www.the-motherhood-mentor.com/
Want to join the email fam for free workshops and more support: https://themotherhoodmentor.myflodesk.com/ujaud8t4x9
The Motherhood Mentor
From Fear to Freedom: Navigating Imposter Syndrome and Trusting Yourself in Life’s Gray Areas
In this empowering episode of the Motherhood Mentor Podcast, Becca dives into the phrase “ If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no” and how that is often not true for her. When is “no” a boundary- and when is it a self imposed limiting belief, or even a safety response from avoiding discomfort or activation? Join me as I share a transformative journey from fear to freedom, exploring how imposter syndrome and self-doubt hold us back in motherhood, business, and personal growth.
Becca shares her personal story of overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, navigating visibility fears, and learning to trust herself as she steps into new opportunities. Through engaging narratives, including a metaphor about her fear of heights and starting her podcast, Becca shows how fear can often disguise itself as a barrier to growth, when in fact it’s an invitation to step into something greater.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
- How to recognize and dismantle imposter syndrome in your life.
- The power of self-trust and how to build it in motherhood and beyond.
- Why embracing life’s "gray areas" and mundane tasks can lead to deep personal growth.
- The importance of setting boundaries and understanding your capacity, both in motherhood and in daily life.
- How to move beyond the “hell yes or hell no” mentality and make empowered decisions that serve your personal values.
Join Becca as she explores the nuances of fear, consent, and decision-making, offering insights and practical tools for mothers and women seeking to grow with intention and authenticity.
Ready to trust yourself more and embrace the messy, beautiful journey of personal growth? Tune in now and let’s navigate these transformative steps together!
Chapter Markers:
Embracing Fear and Trusting Self
00:11:10
Understanding Consent and Capacity Levels
00:22:40
00:30:50
Empowering Moms Through Podcast Support
Join us next time as we continue to explore the multifaceted journey of motherhood.
Thank you for tuning in to The Motherhood Mentor. If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review us.
Stay connected with us on social media and share your thoughts and experiences tagging @themotherhoodmentor
Welcome to the Motherhood Mentor Podcast. I'm Becca, a somatic healing practitioner and a holistic life coach for moms, and this podcast is for you. You can expect honest conversations and incredible guests that speak to health, healing and growth in every area of our lives. This isn't just strategy for what we do. It's support for who we are. I believe we can be wildly ambitious while still holding all of our soft and hard humanity as holy. I love combining deep inner healing with strategic systems and no-nonsense talk about what this season is really like. So grab whatever weird health beverage you're currently into and let's get into it. Welcome to today's episode of the Motherhood Mentor Podcast. Today, we are talking about hell yeses and hell noes and how to make really good decisions and authentic answers, and there is that saying if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no, and I deeply disagree with this message.
Speaker 1:As a recovering people pleaser, as a recovering perfectionist, I used to be a full yes girl, or honestly. I also went through a season two where I was very much in a victim place and I was very much underestimating myself and I was playing small and there were so many things that I would have said no for that I was absolutely capable of. I was totally saying no to things and people and relationships and opportunities that I never would have even considered because they were too far outside my comfort zone. Because to me, part of my healing journey early on was realizing that, like, my body interpreted anything as activating or new or, you know, high, high activation. So, whether that was good feeling or bad feeling, activation in my body, my body felt that as a no, like a hell, no, like I'm not a, felt that as a no, like a hell, no, like I'm not a thrill seeker. You know how there's people who have a need for speed. I do not have a need for speed and in fact this year my sister and I went to a slide park.
Speaker 1:It's this like it's called. What is it called? Slick City? It's got these super tall slides and I am not a heights person, I don't love heights, not just like logically, but like my whole body is like absolutely no, like we should be closer to the ground than this. And I get to the top of the slide and we intentionally were like, okay, we're going to be brave. And I got to this top of the slide and everything in my body was like absolutely no, like we're going to die, this is going to hurt, this is scary Like do not do this. And like it was a full body, no, my whole body was saying like do not go down this slide, do not go. But I watched this little girl go in front of me. She was like excuse me, and I like let her go ahead of me, because I'd been at the top of the slide for about it felt like five minutes. It was probably shorter than that, but I'm like at the top. My sister's like you can do this. And I'm out there like no the F, I can't. Freaking out, totally overthinking this slide. And I watched this little girl go and she looked like she had so much fun and I was like you're not going to die, you're not going to die. It feels like you're going to die. Your body is saying you're going to die, just go.
Speaker 1:And this, this particular slide, I like my feet were like I was like trying to cling with the outside of my feet, which totally gave me like rug burn on the tops of my feet, but I was like trying to make it so that I'd go slower. But I just shut my eyes and I just like screamed and went. I just did it and by the time I was halfway down I was laughing Like I was terrified, but I was having so much fun, like my heart rate was so fast, my breathing was fast and the first like four slides that I went down I had a really hard time getting myself to go, like there was so much inner resistance, there was so much inner no, but I was just like okay, go, okay go. And by the end I was having so much freaking fun, I was laughing, I was like it felt like play, I was like having such a good time and I felt so brave and it was so crazy because this is right around the time that I had decided to start a podcast.
Speaker 1:And what is crazy, I knew I wanted to start a podcast but, if I'm being honest, there was so much in my body that was like no, we're not ready. You know, I had that whole they situation come up of, like what are they going to say? What if I say something wrong? I'm going to show up stupid? And a lot of it wasn't cognitive, it was just like this, this physical, like Ooh, I don't know if I can do it. Oh my gosh, this is scary. Oh my gosh, this feels hard. Oh my goodness, this is a lot. What if I don't do it right? What if it like? What if, what if, what if, and again, some of that was in my thought, but a lot of that was in my body and it was an absolute hell, yes, for me, and yet it felt like a hell. No, but it wasn't a hell, no, because of my capacity or my consent. It was this I'm asking myself to do something that's completely out of my comfort zone, and not because I'm trying to force myself into something, but because I want to grow, I want to expand, I want to see what I'm capable of, I want to have fun, and one of my goals this year was trying to learn that things can be fun even when they're not safe, to learn how to fuck around and find out a little more.
Speaker 1:I've been someone who definitely restricted myself because being small felt really safe, especially when I think of visibility, like people seeing me or hearing me or perceiving me. There was a huge visibility wound and I've actually recently been doing some like. There's been some deeper inner healing going on where I've realized that this fear of visibility goes very far back, of it's not safe for people to be able to perceive me Like I need people to not see me or know I exist. It's like this if I don't exist, it's safer. And so that no, that comes up in me, it's a. It's not updated, it's not current, it's not like adult, fully embodied, healthy Becca choosing that. It's like this younger part of me that fears what will happen if people don't approve, or people don't understand, or they see me, and then it's a threat to my safety or my existence or my belonging or my place in this world. And so again this if it's not a hell, yes, it's a hell, no.
Speaker 1:I completely disagree, because there's so many things that you are capable of that you are saying no to because of fear, because you think there's going to be some magical point where you say, okay, I'm ready and my experience on, if I'm being really honest, most of the things that I'm ready for, I feel a ton of activation and it's like you can't see me right now, but I'm holding my rib cage. There's this feeling of like I'm not ready, but I feel a sense of permission to go anyways. I feel this rebellion in me that says what if I don't need to be ready. What if I'm going to be okay either way? And I have this. I've built this deep sense of self-trust, of I trust myself to make the wrong decision, and that sounds crazy, but I think we're trying to find this right or perfect timing or answer or decision, and sometimes that's really wise. But sometimes that paralyzes us because it keeps us in rooms that we don't want to be in longer than we have to, because someone told us that was the right place to be, or we never approached the table because someone didn't pull up a chair instead of us showing up and being like I think I belong here, I think I'm supposed to be in this room. I'll never forget I went to a mastermind retreat and leading up to it I had a little bit of imposter syndrome.
Speaker 1:I had a little bit of like I don't belong in this room, like everyone in this room is at least. I had the perception that they were farther along in business. They knew more of what they were doing. They were creating a lot more, especially if I looked financially at what these women had already done. I didn't feel like I belonged in this room. And yet I made a decision of like I'm going anyways and I belong there, I belong here.
Speaker 1:There was, like, this shyness and this insecurity and this fear that said like no, no, like that's a little too big. Those women are a little like they're a little too good for you, like you're not good enough to be in that room, and I had to make a decision of like yeah the fuck I am. I met the energy of the room, I met the level of that room because I wanted to be there. I knew that was a table that would feed me. But there's also been times where I've been sitting at table over and over and over, saying like, oh, I know this is the right thing. I know people say this is what's good and what I should do, but this table can't feed me. Every time I come, like what they're offering me isn't what I need and I leave hungry and I would always believe that I was the problem instead of being like. You know they're not the problem either, but this table doesn't serve what I want.
Speaker 1:I feel like when it comes to our choices, we're constantly looking at yes or no, but there's this wide range, especially when we look somatically. This is why I love somatics is it gets us out of this super logical mental bias-y where we're trying to always have the perfect answer when we realize that there's a spectrum of consent. This is why people really struggle with boundaries is we're often looking for in a boundary, we're trying to say who's right or wrong versus what's the right conditions and what are the expectations and what are the roles and what is healthy in this. So let's look a little bit about the spectrum of consent between yes and no. We're going to talk a little bit about sex because I think that's an easy place for us to talk about consent with not easy but important. And I think it's an easy place for us to talk about consent with Not easy but important. And I think it's something that people understand.
Speaker 1:The consent to sex is the difference between enthusiastic consent I want. This is very different than this is harmful for me, right. This is harmful for me, right. There's a pretty big difference between consensual sex where someone is like deeply desiring it, they are like turned on AF. They want this, they're begging for it. They're equal, like happily participating, they're engaged in it, they're wanting this, they're liking it, they're enjoying it versus you know, I thought I wanted this, but I kind of changed my mind. I want to want this right. Have you ever been in a position where you, like, you're not in the mood, but you want to be? You want to want it.
Speaker 1:Maybe your capacity is low, maybe you've had a day of motherhood? Maybe, like, you want it, but only if it's in a specific way or time or situation. It's a conditional yes. See, we have conditions. We have a wide range of levels of consent between yes and no. So if I ask you, hey, can I borrow a shirt and we're best friends you might be like heck, yeah. Or you might say I don't know what shirt, for how long. Hey, this is one of my favorite shirts. You can borrow it with the expectation that if something happens to it, you pay me this amount or something Conditional.
Speaker 1:We forget that there's capacity attached to the yes or the no, and so many women they're like if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no. They are the women who ignore their capacity and say yes to things that are over. They're like overexerting and overworking themselves because they haven't learned the difference between desire and capacity. Do you have any idea how many things I want that I don't have the capacity for? I don't have the time or the energy or the fuck's left to give for it. Like I keep joking with, with a couple people in my lives of like, do you know how proud I am of all the businesses I didn't start this year? I started three different Instagram accounts. None of them are public, but I will be starting them eventually.
Speaker 1:The desire is there, my mental imagination and want to. There is a yes, there is a pull, there is like a. I want this, but when I look at my life, when I look at my capacity whether that's my energy, my mental capacity, my emotional capacity, my bandwidth for risk and reward and productivity and even when I look at my family life right now, because I want multiple things. So some of the things that I want in my business right now I don't get to have, because what outweighs that want in my business is what I want in my family and what I want in my marriage. There are many things I want in my business right now that I will not give myself because, while they are an energetic hell yes of oh my gosh, I would love to do that I look at my family and I say it's not the season for me, it's not the time and I have to put those on the back burner.
Speaker 1:And you know what? There is sometimes disappointment and grief and there are absolutely people who will say you can have it all, you can do it all, and they'll be like don't put this on the back burner in your motherhood. And I disagree. I say there are absolutely times in your life where you have to put things that matter to you on the back burner because at the end of the day, I do think we have limits and some people have more social capacity. Some people have more financial. Some people have spousal support. That's different. Some people have family or culture or community or even just like inner resource.
Speaker 1:You realize that each of us have a different capacity. I might have way more capacity than you do and it doesn't make me better. It's just some people are a 10-gallon tank and some people are a 5-gallon tank. And those 10-gallon tanks they've got more capacity, but guess what? They also require more to fill up their tanks. They're also way more needy because they have a lot more. They also have a wider range of give or take, like they have a little bit more room of wiggle before they're on empty, because you know they have a bigger reserve room of wiggle before they're on empty because you know they have a bigger reserve. I hope that's making sense.
Speaker 1:But there's this whole spectrum of consent between yes or no, of on one side towards no. There's this like enduring right. So this is hurting me, but I don't feel the ability to say no hurting me, but I don't feel the ability to say no. Maybe this is your job or work or certain relationships where this is hurting you but you're not feeling your agency to say no. You've lost that feeling of I can fight or I can flee or I can set up a boundary. I can go no contact, can set up a boundary, I can go no contact. You feel stuck. That's a type of no where you don't even you're not even answering you like don't even know that. It's a choice. That's a spectrum of consent. What am I consenting to? That I never consented to, that I didn't choose. That's a really powerful thing to notice.
Speaker 1:There's also tolerating. This is something that I'm putting up with. I mean, even look at motherhood. There are times where my kids want or need something from me and I am absolutely tolerating it. There's something in my body that is like no for me, like kids throwing up. That's a no for me. And yet there's one thing to like just do that without choosing. And then there's another to be like. You know what my values say that even though it's a no for me, I'm going to still do it. I'm going to override my no and I'm going to do the damn thing because I like my reasons for doing it. I'm going to tolerate this aspect of the person because 90% of them is good and life-giving.
Speaker 1:And guess what? People are complicated, people are nuanced. Relationships are hard. Even really healthy people who love us, that we love them, can be very hard. There might be aspects of them that we can tolerate and other parts that we just like oh, it's no. And while we're talking about boundaries here, a lot of reasons that women get into global no is because you ignore these smaller, tolerate no boundaries of. You're not telling yourself the truth, at least. Or these people of like, hey, this is something I'm not interested in. You can have relationships with people and not talk politics with them. You can have relationships with people and not talk weight or health or say, and you can set that boundary in a million different ways Like, oh, this person, they're a yes for me, but I don't talk to them about my business because the way that they respond doesn't feel good and that can be an unspoken boundary that they don't even know you have.
Speaker 1:They bring up the topic and you change the topic. Or you say I need to use the restroom. Or you say, hey, I need to go in five minutes, let's talk, let's figure out when we get together next. Or you ask them about a different topic, like there are a million different ways to honor that knowing you. But what's really powerful is feeling. Is this something that I'm tolerating, where, like, oh, it's against my preference or it's against my comfort zone, or I just don't have the capacity today, like, maybe on a Tuesday you have the capacity to talk politics, but next Wednesday you're going to be too exhausted and you just don't want to. That's the difference of learning yes and no in your body and learning.
Speaker 1:The nuance is that it changes. It changes depending on your energy and your capacity and your desire and who the person is and their range of health right and your desire and who the person is and their range of health right. There can be people in your life who you know. You can talk to them about that. But there's other people. You don't talk to them about that because it depends.
Speaker 1:It depends on your season, when it comes to your kids and they want to hug and they're a little bit older, and you say, oh, that's not, this isn't a need for them, it's a want. And so you let them cry and you say, mommy, can give you a hug in a minute. I'm in the middle of something that's you starting to honor that. It's not that you're a no for hugging your kids, it's not that you're a no for your kids. It's that in that moment it would be dishonoring a boundary that feels really important for you. That's wild. I feel like nobody taught me how to do that. That's wild. I feel like nobody taught me how to do that, how to trust myself and saying yes or no, or maybe, or yes and yes. You may hug me, but I'm going to ask that you not touch my face because that's too overstimulating. Oh, you're touching my face. I'm happy to hug you, but you're going to have to stop touching my face to hug me. That is teaching our kids consent from a very young age of it's not always a hell yes or a hell no.
Speaker 1:The nuance matters. And then there's the wanting range, right when maybe there's a little bit of desire, or there's at least the desire for desire. I want to want to. I don't want to, but I want you to change my mind. I want you to convince me, or I want to convince me. It's. I don't want to work out, I don't feel like it. It doesn't feel like a hell, yes, in my body, but I'm aware that that's what I want and need, so I'm going to go do it anyways.
Speaker 1:So much of self-care is doing things for ourselves that are good for us, even when we don't want to. But notice that, like, sometimes moving my body when I don't want to is honoring, and sometimes it might be dishonoring when my body is saying I'm tired and exhausted and what I really need is a nap. But instead of listening to that, I'm like, no, we're going to work out because that's the good, right thing, that's nuanced, that's a nuanced yes or no. And then there's the willing. This is something that I'm okay with or I'm neutral about. It doesn't really matter either way to me, right, and it's just kind of there.
Speaker 1:I think we can tend to penalize these things and realize that there are going to be so many parts of your hell yes kind of things that are just going to be willing or neutral. There's going to be part of your business. There's going to be part of every relationship you have, whether that's with your kids, yourself, your partner. There are going to be parts and pieces that are neutral, that aren't bad or good. They're just there Taxes on your business, right, like back-end work on your business, eating healthy foods or meal prepping, like there's going to be things that aren't. They're not really a hell yes or hell no. They're these mundane little things you do in the margins that actually do matter, right, if you think of it's often the straw that breaks the camel's back. It's often these small little things that they're not really a hell no, but they're not really a hell yes, but they're still things that you're making decisions on.
Speaker 1:Those decisions do matter and I don't think we need to be constantly overthinking or obsessive about every little decision. That sounds exhausting. That's like this self-observation Self-observation sounds terrible versus this embodiment of what are the small little things I do that make a difference in my life, and some of them are going to seem really neutral and not really seem like they matter, like laundry or something like that, and it's like laundry has never been a hell yes in my life, but it needs to get done. It's also not a hell no, so like for me, like I'm never going to die on the laundry being put away. I might make sure it's clean. There might be some weeks where I prioritize it more than others, but it's still a decision I have to make.
Speaker 1:So that's a pretty important thing to remember is that there's going to be many decisions in your life that feel and seem mediocre but, over time, really build up. If you look at your relationship to a partner, there's going to be a lot of things that aren't a hell yes, but aren't a hell no. But are you wasting time and energy trying to make them a hell yes or a hell no? Like are there parts of your partner that you don't necessarily love or like, but you're making them a giant red flag versus like oh, okay, so you don't love every joke they make, or you don't like that part of them, but you still love them?
Speaker 1:I think we live in a culture that very much has said if you are good and healthy, you're going to be all good and healthy, and it's like no, all of us are walking red flags. I don't know a single person who doesn't have a little bit of a red flag at certain points in their lives, because they're human, we're messy, we make selfish decisions, we have moments where we're assholes or we lose our patience or we make a decision out of reflex and you know we don't think about how it's going to impact us or others, and it's like that doesn't say we don't take responsibility. But we're very much in a culture that makes it seem like there is some perfect person or this perfect business or this perfect way to show up to your life, that it's just going to all feel magical and look picture perfect, like you can somehow out, heal or outgrow or outwork, so that there's never anything mundane or uncomfortable in your business or your life or your relationships. And I just don't think that's true. I think we're always going to have our humanity as a part of it, and that doesn't mean we don't move it in the direction of health. But that's not always going to feel like a hell. Yes, it's going to mean doing hard things, hard boundaries, hard conflict, hard conversations, hard work. That doesn't mean it's bad. I look at some of the healthiest things in my life and I was like man for a while. Those didn't feel great. They didn't feel like a hell yes, it felt like what I hope this works. Sometimes you got to fuck around and find out, and I don't love that for us.
Speaker 1:I want a plan, I want to know what we're going to do, and then there's this whole. And then there's this whole like you really want to do things. It is a hell yes, it's like a fully embodied oh my gosh, I want to do this. I have the capacity, I have the time, I have the energy and I love when that happens. But it's also okay to say oh my gosh, I want to go and I'm a little bit tired. So if I I go, I'm thinking of last Thursday. There was this great event that I really wanted to go to and it was a gala. But I had this like oh my gosh, I can't. And then I realized I was like oh no, I want to go.
Speaker 1:The part that feels overwhelming is like wearing a really formal dress and really uncomfortable, like Spanx or something, cause you know, I was super luteal, I was really tired and I was like you know what I do want to go. It's a yes for me. But it's a no for me to do like a big dress. It's a no for me to expect myself to be like super extroverted or to feel like super shiny Becca. I didn't. I just felt moody, I felt off and weird and I was like well, go as you are, go with you, like you don't have to be anything. And I just promised myself. I was like just go connect with women. That's the reason I wanted to go in the first place. Like that was a yes for me.
Speaker 1:The no part was like any sense of social anxiety or any sense of like oh my gosh, like I have to do this for my business. And it's like I don't care, I didn't have the energy to care. And it was just like, okay, just go go for the yes part, ignore the no. And I was like you know, I can leave early if I want and you know, hopefully there'll be food. There was, there's delicious food. And so I was like, okay, we're going to eat more food than we normally do at these events because we're hungry and that sounds so silly.
Speaker 1:But the nuance of the consent matters. Yes and yes, but you know, no, no, I can't do that right now, but I love the invitation. If that's still an opportunity at a different time, I might want to explore that with you. It's okay for you to realize that not everything is a hell. Yes, not everything is a hell. No. There's this whole wide spectrum in between. So give yourself permission for the yeses, the nos, the magic, the messes, all of it in between.
Speaker 1:If you enjoyed this episode, if it supported you or inspired you or gave you an aha moment, it would mean so much to me if you would take a moment and follow, so you get future episodes and then leave a comment or a review. That really helps others find this podcast. And if you have a friend, I'd love for you to share this episode. But also, I want to hear from you. I want to know how this episode landed with you.
Speaker 1:I want to know if this helped you understand in your life maybe a more nuanced no or a nuanced yes, or what this looks like in your season. Are you in a season of just like handing out no's? Are you in a season where you're like I need some yeses, I need to speed up, I want to get out there, I want to be brave, I want to like go do some big slides that like it feels like a no, but I know it's a yes Cause it's going to be brave. I want to like go do some big slides. That like it feels like a no, but I know it's a yes because it's going to be fun and also terrifying and scary because it's outside my capacity. I would love to hear it. I hope you have an awesome day and I'll see you next time.
Speaker 1:Thanks for joining me on today's episode of the Motherhood Mentor Podcast. Make sure you have subscribed below so that you see all of the upcoming podcasts that are coming soon. I hope you take today's episode and you take one aha moment, one small, tangible piece of work that you can bring into your life. To get your hands a little dirty, to get your skin in the game. Don't forget to take up audacious space in your life. If this podcast moved you, if it inspired you, if it encouraged you, please do me a favor and leave a review. Send an episode to a friend. This helps the show gain more traction. It helps us to support more moms, more women, and that's what we're doing here. So I hope you have an awesome day, take really good care of yourself and I'll see you next time.
