The Myth of Having it All: How to Balance Success and Wellbeing with Lauren Salz

You are not just a mom, wife, and CEO there is this space between all these identities where we exist. 

In todays episode I sit down with one of my best friends Lauren Salz to have a conversation about the unique challenges to explore what it really looks like to hold and have success both at home and in your work all while prioritizing your own wellbeing. 

We talk about: 

+The Myths and real struggles of flexibility in entrepreneurship

+Being your own boss 

+What it means to learn to balance and juggle "glass and plastic balls" 

+ Postpartum depression that hides behind high functioning and high performance 

+The radical and vulnerable shift from control to surrender

+ How boundaries build and protect your reputation, not break it 

+ Your kids being a high priority but not your whole world 

This podcast is for every mom who's ever said " I'll take care of myself when...." 

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Motherhood Mentor
• 2:25 Early Motherhood and Business Beginnings
• 6:07 Becoming a Plastic Ball: The Cost
• 10:58 Shifting from Survival to Surrender
• 18:03 Self-Trust and Setting Boundaries
• 27:19 Daily Intentions and Family Connection
• 46:12 Building Your Village in Modern Life
• 59:56 Podcast Closing and Call to Action

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Welcome to the Motherhood Mentor Podcast. I'm Becca, a somatic healing practitioner and a holistic life coach for moms, and this podcast is for you. You can expect honest conversations and incredible guests that speak to health, healing and growth in every area of our lives. This isn't just strategy for what we do. It's support for who we are. I believe we can be wildly ambitious while still holding all of our soft and hard humanity as holy. I love combining deep inner healing with strategic systems and no-nonsense talk about what this season is really like. So grab whatever weird health beverage you're currently into and let's get into it. Welcome to today's episode of the Motherhood Mentor Podcast. Today I am so thrilled to have one of my besties on the podcast, because what's more fun than mixing work and friendship? Not a lot of things. So today one of my best friends, lauren, is on the podcast and we're going to talk about just the duality of motherhood and business, wanting it all, having it all, what that looks like and feels like. Lauren, will you just introduce yourself briefly?

Speaker 2: 1:13

Yes, oh, sweet Becca, thank you so much for having me. I am just giddy with excitement. This is going to be really fun. So, hi, I'm Lauren. I am an entrepreneur. I am a mama of two little boys four and two. I co-own a residential boutique brokerage with my husband, so we help people buy and sell homes, but, of course, it's so much more than that and I am really excited to talk about how I feel pushed and pulled between my business and my desire to genuinely show up in my motherhood, and how that's amazing and challenging all at once. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:59

So tell me a little bit, tell us a little bit about like what those early years of motherhood were like already having a business, already having like I feel like you had such a beautiful like full life not all beautiful, you had some stuff right. What was that season of new motherhood like for you, both personally and professionally, and just kind of the mix of both of those and how it all intertwined? Good question.

Speaker 2: 2:28

I became a licensed realtor when I was 24 and I jumped into business with my husband just four months after saying I do, and so we were on this journey of building a business together at 25 years old and COVID happened. I was 28, I want to say, and at that point you know, had done a lot of the heavy lifting of what it takes to build a foundation of a business, and it truly does take blood, sweat and tears, and a lot of that happens behind the scenes. So I had what felt like to me, but also what presented as a thriving business, one that ran on very efficient systems, one that delighted our customers and one that brought both my husband and I a lot of joy. We absolutely love what we do, and a part of the thrill of entrepreneurship and working for yourself is oh well, you can work whenever you want, and in reality that's totally true, but that usually means you're working a hell of a lot more than somebody punching a clock, and your night, your thoughts at night, are about how you can make your business better. And when you're putting together your grocery list, you're also putting together your list of supplies that you need, and it's just never grocery list. You're also putting together your list of supplies that you need, and it's just never, it's never, turned off. And um, a couple of weeks into COVID, like many other people around the world, uh, my husband and I looked at each other and we said, well, there's nothing better to do and we want a family, so let's get going Might as well. Change my heart in a way, for how do I divide my time, how do I divide my energy? Because, by the way, I still have to pay my mortgage, I still have to keep milk in the fridge, and my husband and I are intertwined in this industry that is 100% commission-based and dependent on the ebb and flow of the real estate market.

Speaker 2: 5:09

We knew that things were going to shift, and what's really interesting about motherhood is so much of the experience of parenthood is just different for moms, and you know I was recovering from a C-section. I was totally out of whack hormonally, which, truthfully, I didn't know until I had my second child and I'm like, oh shit, that was severe postpartum depression and I was not okay. I was not okay and my son had a really hard time breastfeeding and so I was exclusively pumping for those first couple months and it was all a pressure cooker. I felt like I was in a pressure cooker and because, truthfully, in my business and in motherhood, I couldn't offload. I can't offload pumping. I can't offload somebody, you know, writing a contract, it's not possible.

Speaker 2: 6:15

And so what happened was you start to quickly realize what are glass balls and what are plastic balls.

Speaker 2: 6:23

And when you're juggling and that child comes into the picture and motherhood all of a sudden becomes a very dominant part of who you are and the way that you show up in the world, you, you realize that some plastic balls have to drop, and my experience was, I think, forcing my own self to become a plastic ball, and so I very quickly stopped taking care of myself, I stopped eating and I convinced myself that, oh, this is kind of a win-win I'm going to lose the baby weight and I also am getting more done in my business.

Speaker 2: 7:02

And in reality, that very quickly led to burnout and a very deep depression. I was severely depressed after my first child was born and it was incredible the way that you just survive, the way that my business had to survive, the way that my child had to survive. Oh, and another very interesting thing that I inappropriately assigned as a plastic ball was my marriage, and I think for a time it's appropriate to have your marriage on the back burner, but it very quickly became evident that it was no longer in the air at all, and so it's really interesting how I love my kids, I love my business, I love being in business with my husband, and all of those present very unique challenges that have deeply defined me and the way that I am going to move forward in both my motherhood and my business.

Speaker 1: 8:13

What you said about I made myself a plastic ball.

Speaker 1: 8:18

I mean it's so interesting because I can hear that as a coach and I can hear that as, like, the professional side of me. But like it's so interesting when it's like you know, you're talking to your best friend and I even think back to that season if it feels okay to share that like I wouldn't have even seen or known. And I think that's so true for so many women, because I think so many women assume that. Or just culturally, when we talk about how hard it is, I think a lot of people are saying, like, does it look hard? Yeah, yeah. But it's so crazy to me that, like you have these women who are so high functioning that sometimes the harder it gets, like the better it can look from the outside. Like people look at us, even people close to you, even people who love you and adore you, who would want to help you, who would want to offload things. There is a reality of like it's just you in your life, like it's just you are the only mom.

Speaker 2: 9:19

And it's.

Speaker 1: 9:21

I think it's huge and I think so many of us were never prepared for the amount of capacity, mental, emotionally, like everything is pushed in on us and pulled out on us, especially like in our modern culture, because, like truly and I've even been thinking this and saying this lately it's too much, it's too much. And yet, like, what other option do we have? And I I'm curious, like when that season shifted for you and what that looked like, when you all, like it sounds like you had this realization of like wait, this survival works for a season right. Like we're not going to shame ourselves for surviving, we're not going to shame ourselves for keeping your head above water in the best way that you knew, how you survived, how you survived, how you survived, like it is what it is, but like that's a short-term strategy and it doesn't work in the longterm. So I'm curious, like what shifted for you? And like what was that shift? Like that is a really good question no-transcript.

Speaker 2: 10:45

Oldest was 10 months old and I was not ready. I was surviving. I wasn't ready and I resisted really hard. And one day, um, and it was actually in a room with you, becca, where I realized I had a choice to make because, yeah, I'm the only one in this life and I can choose to be scared as shit. I can choose to be incredibly fearful of my capacity and what having a second child is going to do to me and my business and my marriage, or I can choose to trust that, this beautiful miracle and blessing and this thing that I desperately wanted, I just wasn't ready for. Um, I was ready for and I needed it at that time, and because both of both faith and fear require believing in something you can't see, you know, and so, um, as cliche as it sounds, I really just at that moment, I was about maybe seven months pregnant, with Warren, about and, um, I'm like, wow, warren, you have this opportunity to be incredibly faithful that this is happening for you, to be incredibly faithful that this is happening for you. And that's exactly what happened.

Speaker 2: 12:09

And, although my birth with my second son didn't go the way that I envisioned and worked so hard for, it ended in a very, very scary emergency C-section. It was so beautiful. It was so beautiful because you know what it taught me Surrender and honor, those are the two words that come to my mind. And so what's really cool is that, through the birth of my second son, I deeply surrendered to what is to no longer feeling like I had to be this superhero to my clients or to my children. And and I became a lot stronger in the conversations I had to have with my clients to say these are the boundaries around when I'm available, because, truthfully, it's inappropriate to have availability from 7 am to 10 pm. That's not the type of industry standard I want to set and that's certainly not the way that I want to treat people or, excuse me, to teach people to treat me.

Speaker 2: 13:10

And you know, what's interesting is that when you double down on those boundaries because survival is no longer an option, showing up for my kids with a full heart, giving myself the opportunity to like, actually put on a face of makeup, because it makes me feel like Lauren, those are important things Um, clients become to say, oh wow, she's boundaried, she's legit, she's an expert, because she only has these times to talk to me, that's because she's busy helping other people, and those are the types of people that clients want to work with. Meanwhile, I'm so proud of myself and this is my prerogative. This is not everyone's prerogative, but for me, I love that. I am intentionally teaching my children that they are a huge part of my world, but they are not my whole world, and when I look back on my motherhood, when they look back on my motherhood, I pray that that is something that they find joy in, because for me, it's something I'm really, really proud of.

Speaker 1: 14:17

I'm just, I'm just basking in the glory that is my friend right, Like wait, forget. Oh yeah, we're on a podcast. What you just shared, goosebumps of so many different things. But surrender feels terrifying when you are used to controlling and needing to control, not just like the objectives, but I think those narratives, those narratives of, like, what success looks like and I think this is this is such a common theme with so many women that I work with and it's all across the board and every type of mom and every type of parenting situation.

Speaker 1: 14:53

There is this. I had this idea of what it would look like, of how I would be, of how I would feel, and we're so determined to force that narrative. But there is this surrendering that happens to like, okay, what is okay. Once I surrender to what is now, I can live with reality. Now I can actually look at, okay, how am I going to show up to this?

Speaker 1: 15:15

And even what you were sharing about entrepreneurship.

Speaker 1: 15:18

I think that is so powerful because I think a lot of women who have this heart that wants to change the world it's so overwhelming in this season because we only have so much capacity, we only have so much time and energy and focus and you know, our babies need us and so a lot of times, like our hearts and our heads are in our homes or in our businesses.

Speaker 1: 15:39

But what is wild is knowing that, like those small little boundaries that often feel very mean and uncomfortable and awkward, especially when you first start, it gives other people permission to rebuild the system. It's like we can't beat this game. We can't beat the game that caused the problems in the first place by following the rules. We have to learn to create our new rules and it's like isn't that why we became entrepreneurs in the first place is to write our own rules of doing business? And yet we get into doing business and we become, honestly, these terrible bosses to ourselves where, if someone else was treating us this way, people would be horrified and like entrepreneurship is so glorified, especially on social media, it is so glorified, it is so perfectionistically shared of like this beautiful thing and it's like, yes, it's true. And also you have to create that because you are your own boss, and I think a lot of women are worse bosses to themselves than other people would be.

Speaker 2: 16:41

And I think a lot of women are worse bosses to themselves than other people would be. Totally, I totally agree with you that it is glorified in the sense that it's almost like the new American dream Like, isn't it? That's what everyone should aspire to do, and I am so grateful for this gene of entrepreneurship. I truly feel like I would be denying a part of myself, just like I have brown hair if. I didn't honor that and I think it's really freaking cool that not everybody has that gene.

Speaker 1: 17:15

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 17:16

And that's okay you know a lot of hard, intentional work and skills. It requires so much skill building and something I just want to name that like. One of the things I love about our friendship is that, that ability to have boundaries as a like, how much trust there is Because when I ask you something, I don't have to be weird about it because you'll just tell me no. When I ask you something, I don't have to be weird about it because you'll just tell me no. Or if we make plans and one of us is acting weird, we probably sent a text earlier that day of like, hey, if I'm acting weird, this is happening, but I don't want to talk about it today. Yeah, so refreshing, I think.

Speaker 1: 17:56

So many women and motherhood and an entrepreneurship. They avoid telling other people the truth about what does and doesn't work for them and it creates this weirdness that it's hard because you can't even always see it, but you can feel it underneath. So I just want to name that, that like you creating those boundaries that I think maybe before your narrative change, but after the change, like there's this fear often in setting those boundaries of like I'm not going to get clients, it's not going to work. Like I have to give and give and give in order for people to see my value versus like I'm really valuable. My time, my energy and my capacity is valuable and it's limited and it's okay for other people to know that and that gives them the permission of one how to be in relationship, business or professional, and also like them in their own lives of like wait, I'm allowed to do that, I'm allowed to tell people not to contact me after this time or, if they do, I don't respond until this time. Like it's setting up clear expectations which like how good for you and also them.

Speaker 1: 18:55

So I'm curious, what did that shift with how things felt for you? Like what felt different when you started enacting those things?

Speaker 2: 19:04

I feel like I was able to find an equilibrium. I hate this idea that we can find balance, that we can have it all. I genuinely don't believe that I do have it all. I think that we have my hand in a ton of different buckets and sometimes certain buckets are empty. And what I think is really powerful about leaning into this acceptance, this deep knowing that a limited capacity is actually a gift, in a way to really get clear about what your capital V values are about, where you're willing to spend your time and your money, quite frankly. And so when those boundaries came around for me, I realized that setting boundaries with clients is definitely important, and hear me when I say that one of the hardest things I've ever done in my own personal growth, my professional experience but what's interesting is that creating the self-trust in myself with those boundaries was actually the hardest of all.

Speaker 2: 20:21

So when I block out time on my calendar to move my body, or I block out time on my calendar to spend time with God or with a friend, which is a spiritual experience for me and incredibly important, I need to honor that, because if I don't, what am I teaching myself about the way that I can rely on myself and as I get older, the more that I realize that the most important relationship that I have on this earth is with me.

Speaker 2: 20:54

I am the person that I spend the most time with. I am the only person to blame if my hair is dirty or I feel like shit because I haven't moved my body in weeks, and I think it's really beautiful when you come to this deep connection with your capital S self. So really being honest with myself about what it is that I need and bringing it back around to the way that you honor and celebrate our friendship. I and our friendship have learned that there are times when I desperately want time with a friend or I desperately want time to just like be a couch potato. But is that what I need? And there's a huge difference between honoring your wants and your needs, and sometimes self-care doesn't feel very fun, but I definitely have realized that it is a huge barometer for my capacity and willing to honor and extend those boundaries.

Speaker 1: 22:00

Yeah, I love what you just said. I was there. This came up in a session the other day of, yeah, self-care for what we want, love it, love you meeting your desires. Doing I'm all about like more fun, more like making magical moments, but also, if you think of those as like filling your cup, none of like. You can't get enough of your wants if your needs aren't met, like if there's holes in that cup you have, you have to meet those needs first and that is not always the fun kind of self-care, that is not the fun kind of showing up for yourself. And, like me and you talk about this all the time right, we're both Enneagram twos, we're both like. That is my.

Speaker 1: 22:43

My preference would be to just think about what other people want and need. My preference, honestly, what's more comfortable for me, is to just pretend that I have no limits and just give and give and give, but ultimately, like, I know where that ends. I know it deeply and intimately because I do it on accident still to this day, versus when I honor what I deeply need, even when it's inconvenient, even when it's awkward, even when it's uncomfortable, and sometimes those needs aren't pretty or they don't feel great in the moment they end up building my capacity emotionally, mentally, spiritually and I think of. I think motherhood is such a beautiful entrance into this because I think so many women, when we come into motherhood biologically, those babies need us to prioritize their needs over our own right. Like, technically, an adult can wait a lot longer to eat than a baby. The problem is we get stuck in these extremes and we get stuck in that season where it's like no, a toddler can wait though A five-year-old can wait Like, and we, we confuse what they want from us compared to what they need from us.

Speaker 1: 23:45

And I think modern motherhood has so fucked us up, like the narratives around what a good mother is. So much of it is around what we give and do for our kids. But I actually like when you shared that, like your kids aren't the center of our universe. What a relief for those kids, because I can tell you that I work with women who were the center of their mother's universe and they feel so much fucking pressure still as adults that they are responsible for their mother's wellbeing and happiness.

Speaker 1: 24:15

And it taught me the most beautiful lesson that, like my kids, one of their biggest needs is a mother who is full of herself, who is so full of taking care of my adult needs as an adult, so that they never have to like. It's not that my kids never see me emotionally dysregulated or but they have a mother who has built the skills and the support, both internally and externally, of I take care of my own emotional needs, I take care of my boundaries, you don't have to worry about it. You get to become your own little being who has their own life and their own happiness and their own health. And it's like what a gift to our kids that they are the center. Who was it you who said like they're at the center of our hearts but not the center of our universe? Someone said that to me recently oh, but I'm feeling that I want my kids to be like.

Speaker 1: 25:07

I want them to know that they are a like. They are the center of this season, but they're not the center of my universe. I need them to know that the world does not rotate around them. Um, that's too much responsibility for them. It's's too much for me, too, when I'm taking that on for my friends or my family or my marriage of like. I can't be responsible for all of that, but I can be responsible for me and how I show up and how I spend my focus and my time and my energy.

Speaker 2: 25:36

Yeah, and you know what's really interesting about that conversation and the way that it really loops back to this yin and yang of motherhood and entrepreneurship is all of that directly applies to my business as well. There are certain things that can wait. There are certain things that, yeah, my business is not the center of my universe, my world does not revolve around, the sky is falling, mentality that a lot of clients try to project onto me. So, um, it's really beautiful the mirrored experience that, um, entrepreneurs and mothers can have in that way.

Speaker 1: 26:18

I think it's.

Speaker 1: 26:19

I think it's very unique and that it is one of those things where, like, it is all on you. Therefore, you have to learn that it's not all on you. You have to learn to be a really good boss to yourself and really lead your life in a powerful way, because it is leadership. It is leadership to say, like, what are all of the things that people want and need from you and what are the things that you actually have capacity, what are all of the things that people want and need from you and what are the things that you actually have capacity for, what are the things that you're available for and you're not available for?

Speaker 1: 26:48

And I actually think that is very unique, not only in motherhood, but in entrepreneurship. The majority of entrepreneurs are so stuck in this fight or flight mentality of building their businesses because it requires so much and there is no guaranteed safety, or at least the projection of safety right, because no human experience has safety. And I think, honestly, a lot of people that come to work with me, they're women who, like they've had the rug pulled out of them over and over and over and all of a sudden they go wait. I need to stop building my sense of safety on this, like narration of who I'm supposed to be and I need to build this life. That determines not everything is in my control.

Speaker 2: 27:35

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 27:36

And I surrender what's not in control, but then I can I take responsibility for what I do control. Yes, yes, yeah.

Speaker 2: 27:52

So for you, what does that look like now in this season, navigating Like what feels different? That's a really good question. I I know that my biggest fear as I sit here today is looking back on this season of my motherhood and wishing or lamenting over this idea that I just wasn't there and I was raised by two entrepreneurs, and I'm comfortable with taking a you know step away from the dinner table at six o'clock to take a phone call. I'm comfortable with that, because that's a part of how I was raised. What I'm not comfortable with is this idea that the business always comes first, because sometimes it does, sometimes the phone call has to be taken or something has to be done. That impedes family time.

Speaker 2: 28:54

And what is really important to me, though, is that every single day and every single week, I have a touch point of intentional connection with my kids, and it's wild, man, the idea of raising kids during this like season. You know you're even further into motherhood than I am, so I'm like, oh my gosh. I will be talking to you about some of your tips and tricks, but you know, I remember when my family got internet and the fact that my children know how to use my phone and they know what chat GPT is is wild. So I'm intentionally thinking about A what is my biggest fear, which is missing this, but B also intentionally setting up an active display of my capital V values, because I hope to pass those on to them. So, for me, every single day we both Brennan and I which is really, really hard have a no phone zone from four to five, and our clients know it, our family knows it and I hope that it's a tradition that I am able to bring into their older childhood where they have their own phones and stuff and it's like kids.

Speaker 2: 30:21

That's just the way that it is. You're off your phone right now and it's family time. We're making dinner together, we're out in the garden, we're doing whatever, and right now I'm so fortunate to be in this season of my kids are in daycare. They are well taken care of during the week, and a part of why I created this life for myself which has been very intentional I didn't just wake up one day with 10 years of entrepreneurship under my belt is to have time freedom, and I know that I am incredibly blessed in that, but what a disservice it would be to myself, my family and all the other women who wish they had that type of time freedom to not take advantage of it. So I have intentionally set time aside once a week to either take one kid out for one-on-one time with mommy where we have a whole day one-on-one or both kids and um every single month.

Speaker 2: 31:18

I make sure that Brennan is there, my husband, for a family day and we're going to do that, probably not, probably definitely until those kids are in school, and I know that for me, that's what allows me to do both of these things, because I am in it. I am so into building this business and it takes a lot of me and I I genuinely believe that I'm putting the right systems in place now so that I can look back and be like, wow, I was there, I was there and that's what makes me excited.

Speaker 1: 32:03

I just I want to, I want to pull out a piece of that, but like I don't even know if you know how powerful and potent it is. But when you shared, like this is my biggest fear, but you leaned into that, I think so many women they really avoid you use the word fear, but I think a lot of women would use the word mom guilt. A lot of women would describe it as, like I'm having mom guilt or shame to my life, and our culture's response is like, oh, make it better, make her feel better. And I'm like no, no, no, no, no. Do not take that gift away from her, do not take the gift of fear or guilt that says you are not showing up to your life in the way that you want, you are not showing up to a life that you are designing, that you are intentionally setting up, and I truly think that is it.

Speaker 1: 32:46

If you can lean into what is and what isn't working for you, to your values, and then realize that like it's you choosing it, like yes, there are women who have schedules or things that are out of their control, but I think our culture loves to hyper excessively focus on what we can't control and it's like well, I don't know how to change that for you, but I do know that, like you can change everything when nothing changes, which is, how do you use the time that you do control, how are you present in those moments that you do have with your kids, because actually it doesn't take as much as people think. Like you can be present and in the mornings and after school that changes everything. Does that take a shit ton of emotional regulation? Yes, it does. Thank you very much. Like it's even for me and I've been doing this for years.

Speaker 1: 33:38

But I think that intentionality of like not avoiding the discomfort of your emotions and actually seeing it as a gift, that is telling you this is what your heart deeply desires, this is what you deeply value. It is such a sign and a signal of that, and you were able and willing to listen to that and then take behaviors like to change the way that you were showing up in a micro level, based off of that big thing, and I think that's something so many women are missing, because I think everyone's looking outside of themselves of like, what's my perfect balance? How do you balance motherhood and entrepreneurship? And it's like I have a completely different business than you do. I have different kids in a different season and a different husband and a different time schedule, like everything about my life, even just me and you. I look at like me and you. We're alike in so many ways and me and you have to function very differently.

Speaker 2: 34:34

Yeah, and the key is you knowing yourself and what you want and need and then building a life based off of that oh, thank you so much for calling that out and for honoring that, and you know it's interesting because that's why these conversations are so powerful and we have to cultivate this modern day sewing circle to sit with other women and validate one another's experience, while reserving judgment and just simply extending applause to say and see what you are doing, do you? And and you know what what I find so much joy in is that so often women just want to be seen in what they're experiencing, and what's really unique about feeling safe and honored by another female friend like you is, there does come a point where it's like are you ready to hear some feedback? Are you ready to hear how? I think you're making this harder than it needs to be, and it does feel so big and so hard when you're putting those changes in place, but it really is just as simple as okay, are you going to cut out Netflix so that you can hire a you know house cleaner? I know that's not a comparable example, but it's all about choices and how we are choosing to show up in our life, and I think that sometimes, when we just simply say out loud to one another that we have exponential freedom to make whatever choices feel good in your life, go for it, girlfriend. But sometimes we just need to hear another woman say it out loud. It just feels good.

Speaker 1: 36:26

I love what you just said about relationships. I think, not only in relationships with other women, but in the relationship to ourselves. Like you just named, something that is so powerful of loving yourself and other people Does it. Yes, it's affirmation, yes, it's like, oh my gosh, I love you. But love is not always meek, love is not always my, love is not always telling people what they want to hear, and I think people are so afraid of this because they've been met with harsh criticism or judgment or like true shame, where it's like you're down and someone's kicking you, versus like you're down and someone offers you a hand.

Speaker 1: 37:08

I can think of like so many instances in our friendship where you told me the hard thing and it changed my life, and if you wouldn't have said those hard things to me, I would like it gave me the bravery to tell myself hard things even more so. And I think that's such a beautiful thing to bring into this, because I think women are avoiding the not feel good conversations with themselves or with their partners or with their business, whether that's like a literal conversation with your business or your boss. We're avoiding those conversations, trying to be nice, but like that is not niceness, that is not love, and I think, when I think of the depths of healthy relationship, it is having those conversations where, yes, you affirm where they are, but you speak to what you see in them. You speak to what they could be and what they can be, because we can never see ourselves clearly. You've heard me talk I talk about this all of the time of, like, we can't see ourselves clearly ever.

Speaker 1: 38:07

I will never see myself in the way that my friends do, or the way that my kids do, or the way that my partner does, and it doesn't always feel good to have myself reflected back, especially as an Enneagram too, especially as someone who, like, would just love to think I'm all love, I'm all light, I'm infinitely patient and, like, all I want to do is love people. Well, like, actually, that's not true. Like I've got some shit, I've got some, I've got some things going on, but the people who are willing to let me see that side of myself, while holding that in love and kindness and compassion and validation to who I am and my worth, but maybe not the way that I'm behaving, maybe I'm showing up. That's love to yourself, like you want to. If you want to quote, unquote balance, motherhood and business. It's not all going to be cutesy Like. It's going to be this real deep love that has some weight to throw around. It's got some, it's got the sting of truth that is going to make things better.

Speaker 2: 39:06

Yes, oh, that was beautifully said and I want you to know that that sentiment is echoed right back to you and that's what I think is really beautiful about best female friendships that, um, there is a tenderness that I mean I can't speak for everybody, but I that I feel more deeply in my female friendships than I do even in my marriage to say, hey, girl, I see you and I, I honor the deep challenge that this is for you and um, and I just think that's a really beautiful part of our friendship and I pray that every single woman listening, if they don't have that type of friend, that they find it, because everybody deserves it and your people are looking for you too. You know it. It's just really beautiful.

Speaker 1: 39:58

I think a lot of the way you find those friends, though, is that you create that relationship to yourself. Yeah, like, like I think of us and like if one of us would have not. I think we've grown up a lot together, right Like we've grown quite a bit in the years we've known each other. I don't know if it would be as deep and as connected if we both wouldn't have enacted that same relationship to our own lives, and therefore, when it came to like the relationship to someone else, you saw that as health and not this like terrifying, terrible thing. And I think so many it's like that toxic positivity where it's like we're trying to like, oh, love yourself. And it's like, yes, but loving yourself also means like hard conversations about the way that you're spending your time or energy or not taking care of yourself, and it's so, at least for me.

Speaker 1: 40:47

It is so easy for me to make myself the plastic ball I that analogy, lauren, is so powerful. It is so easy for me and my business or my life to put that on the back burner. But what? But I know the outcome of that, and so I have to catch myself being sneaky of like what actually do I value and what creates the capacity for that and how? How do I show up to that? So I'm curious what are the things now that are glass balls for you and like for you? How do you show up to that in this season?

Speaker 2: 41:20

I love that you bookended that with this season. I think it's really challenging for me, because I thrive in routine, I thrive in predictability and one thing that motherhood entrepreneurship aside, like motherhood has 100% put into my lens that the only thing that you can rely on is change, and, um, it's just ever evolving, whether it's sickness or an unreliable child care situation or whatever. You know the fact that my kid all of a sudden is waking up every day four times in the night, like what the heck? And um, allowing myself to recognize that what I need today may and probably will look different than what that looks like, and even six months, once I gave myself that permission, that changed a lot for me to realize that, like, this is working for me right now. And, oh, lauren, I know that that's something that you want to like prepay and check off for the rest of your, you know to do list for the rest of the year, and that's just something I have personally surrendered to. That has made me feel a lot better.

Speaker 2: 42:34

Um, what's interesting, though and again, I totally recognize this comes with a lot of privilege and what I'm about to say, but what I have really done is taken a good hard look at what is making my, what is keeping me from living that desirable life that we talked about before, where I am present for my kids on weekends and after school, and yada, yada, yada. And, truthfully, I am a type A person I love feeling like I live in a museum storehouse. I try to keep pick and span, but like, throw two toddlers in the mix and that's just God laughing at you. And so what I truly did was I sat down, my husband and I said listen, the baseboards don't get clean unless I do it, the chandelier doesn't get cleaned unless I do it, and that's no shame on him. But, like, you and I now need to work together to figure out how we're going to pay for a cleaning crew to come into this home, because it is keeping me from living my ideal life, from living my ideal life, and it's not going to be on me just because I have two X chromosomes to do it, you know. And so if that means that you're playing one less golf game and we're canceling a subscription, or whatever the situation is, that's a choice that we are making as a family, um, because I need it.

Speaker 2: 43:56

So that, true, truly has been like a huge game changer for us and in a way that makes me feel really joyful, in the sense that I know that I'm spending my money with another female business owner in a way that's helping her thrive and her family, and it's like a win, win, win, and so I think that that has been really meaningful.

Speaker 2: 44:24

And then I just want to call this out because it has truly changed my life, becca, you and I have this really beautiful relationship in that we have worked with one another and we're also best friends.

Speaker 2: 44:39

And you and I had a conversation where you were very much the coach and I was very much the client, and I was lamenting about the fact that, like, I just don't feel good in my body, yada, yada, yada, and you so kindly called out well, how often do you check in with yourself? How often are you asking yourself if you need some water or you need to eat, or you need to pee, or like, when was the last time the sun was actually on your face? And you gave me a challenge that literally has changed my life, and if I had a dollar for every person I've told this to, I would happily give them to you and you'd have about 2000 bucks, girlfriend and uh, but what I've encouraged myself is that every time I switched to a different task. Every time I get up to go to the bathroom, I asked myself what is it that?

Speaker 1: 45:26

I need.

Speaker 2: 45:27

Do I need some water? Do I need to open the window? Oh, my back is feeling a little tight. Do I need to stretch? And those micro moments of boundary intention have truly changed my life when it comes to capability and capacity and I'm just really grateful and I think other people will benefit from that too.

Speaker 1: 45:59

Yeah, it's. You know. My new favorite saying is like you know how the straw breaks the camel's back. It's taking care of those straws that makes sure the camel's back doesn't break, like I think. So People are like burnt out and they're like I need to burn my life down. And I was like, well, okay, five weeks ago you were hungry and you didn't eat. You were thirsty and you didn't drink. You needed rest and you didn't rest. Like these things, build and build and build and build. And I think I love that you named the privilege and I also want to name. I think this is something so powerful.

Speaker 1: 46:28

We can often compare ourselves to other women and think like, well, that's not accessible to me and it's like, okay, you might be right. Like there is a reality that you are living in that someone else might not be. You might not have that privilege of time, you might not have that financial privilege, you might not have the privilege of a partner, you might not have the privilege of parents in the area, whatever that is for you, but you do have some access, you do have some choice and if you can find that place of agency and choice, you can change things and it might look little by little by little. It might be smaller choices than you realize, but those things build. It gets the ball rolling and I think so many times. Those are the things with every women and like women of all different areas of life. I've worked with such a wide range of women now from like every corner, and what is so beautiful and powerful is like when that woman is able to bring herself back to her body, to her being, to her presence, like what you just named. All it is is presence and awareness. But no one has actually taught us how to do that. No one has taught us how to feel our bodies, how to trust our intuition. Everyone's like trust your gut. It's like, well, my gut's filled with anxiety and overthinking, like what do you mean? You want me to trust it? My gut like that's, there's a process to it and there's actual tools and steps and skills that we can build. And I love that like. Even through this conversation, we can see that.

Speaker 1: 47:59

Like the different choice points and it wasn't just these big choices there was these big moments where you were like, okay, I have to choose something different, but then there were these little micro moments where you said I have the option to do something different. I have the option and the availability and the choice and the agency to slow this down and do something differently and I just think that is so powerful and I love ending there of like, when you are navigating this this season, where we're like, okay, I'm deeply devoted to motherhood. Like this is, this is my like. You know, at least for me, this is all I ever wanted and I'm here and I don't want to miss it. And also, I have this other thing that I really love, that I'm building. That like gives me so much energy and capacity and it grows me and it expands me and it enhances things. But, like, they're also two very needy things in my life. Right, I have a five-year-old business with like, five-year-olds are pretty needy, like, I don't know. You see, you're farther along in business, I'm a little bit older in the kids, but like, honestly, it's just different levels of need and it's so easy to just let ourselves become those plastic balls.

Speaker 1: 49:11

But really, coming back to this place, I did this interview with a scout Sasha, you would love this interview and she used the phrase renegotiating and I loved that of like, it's this daily thing where it's no longer oh, I have this perfect plan for the season, because I really truly think that's one of the hardest parts of motherhood for so many women is we have these plans and then we keep making more plans, we keep making these systems and these schedules and, like I don't care how good you are at that, when your season changes or your kids change, what worked in summer doesn't feel good I mean, we're coming into spring right now and what felt really good in winter.

Speaker 1: 49:54

All of a sudden I was like this feels terrible. I need something different, like my self-care, the way that I'm parenting, the way that, like, everything's changing with the season and sometimes a season is a day or a week and sometimes it's like a couple months. But that renegotiating and that shifting is so, so powerful. I'm curious if there's anything that we didn't say or something you want to end with anything that we didn't say or something you want to end with.

Speaker 2: 50:21

I'm just really grateful for the community of it all, you know, the community of mothers, the community of business owners. I know that I wouldn't be where I am today without my village and I think it's really easy to convince ourselves, as modern day American mother, that the only way is to grin and bear it alone. And my experience in business ownership and in motherhood have become so much richer and more meaningful once I freely and vulnerably welcomed other women into that front row of my arena, where it is messy, where it is not always what I want to be saying or sharing, and it has led to a deep sense of connection that has expanded me and I'm just, I'm just really grateful. Thank you for being a part of that village.

Speaker 1: 51:29

Do you mind if I ask a little bit more about that, because I think that's a topic. Women are going to hear that and say, like I don't have a village or my like. Women are going to hear that and say, like I don't have a village or my like. I'll share my experience. I was talking with some women the other day in a mastermind of my village.

Speaker 1: 51:46

Doesn't look like what I thought it would. It doesn't look like what I, even in early motherhood, like it feels very scattered and that like I have different people in my life who meet different needs. It's not like one small set of people, but I have like different people who I have a village. It's just. It's just different. It just looks different. It feels different than what maybe I think a lot of us wish we had, which is right. Like all of us live on a commune and we all raise our kids together and the kids go over to someone else's and someone helps with the schooling and like people get to like swap kids all the time, like some a lot of women like that. That's hard for them. So I'm curious, like what your village looks like and how you intentionally built that.

Speaker 2: 52:32

I'm very fortunate in that I genuinely believe that I have welcomed the right women into my life, but, damn it, it took a lot more energy and a lot more time than I wish it would have. Truthfully, I felt deeply lonely after college. I stayed in my college town and all my college friends scattered across the country, and here I am still living in Fort Collins, colorado, all of a sudden, not no longer identifying as a college student not yet identifying and as a wife and mother and really feeling this interim. So I truly spent about 10 years trying with earnest to find my people. 10 years trying with earnest to find my people and it looked like dating honestly, reaching out to people on Instagram vulnerably but confidently, going up to somebody at a coffee shop and saying, oh my gosh, I love your shoes, or whatever, and a lot of first dates that ended there, you know, and I'm like, oh, this, this chick is not my gal, but I wish you well. But guess what? A lot of those first dates turned into second dates and now we have been in relationship for years of my life. Literally. I can't imagine what my life would be like without these women now, and what's interesting in female friendship is that for me it is filled with so much romanticism.

Speaker 2: 54:09

I truly love the way that I have been courted by my girlfriends and the way that I have done the same. That looks like showing up in a way that feels within capacity, and a lot of times that means sending a text to say, hey, I'm thinking about you, I love you, send me a picture of the kids or, you know, dropping five for a quick hug when it's like I literally have 20 minutes, do you have 20 minutes? Let's sit and chat in the sunshine. Um it, it doesn't look the way that it was projected on sitcoms and in movies. Um, but what has been really powerful for me was finding women who did fill different lanes.

Speaker 2: 54:56

And once I gave up this idea that my life's journey, I am not called to have one singular best friend and that sounds so rad, that sounds really fun to be in that deep of a connection with somebody, but that's not my soul's journey on this earth.

Speaker 2: 55:15

And once I gave myself permission to know that I have different friends in different lanes and I go to different friends for different things. And with this friend I'm going to have a glass of wine and with this friend I'm going to have a tea, even knowing those differences, um, and how it brings out different parts of me, has been a really fun experiment to realize that, wow, I am so multifaceted in ways that I didn't even know the conversations that I have with Becca look different than the conversations I have with Becky. How cool is that. And once I gave myself the permission to find friends that fit into my life in a way that felt good for both of us, and finding a friend who recognizes that I'm a mom and business owner first was really impactful. But truthfully, it really comes with a lot of vulnerability and just extending a hand and saying hi, I'm Lauren, and it doesn't sound easy, but it is simple.

Speaker 1: 56:12

I'm so glad we took the minute to explore that because I think so many women really deeply crave that. A lot of women want it, but I do, I think it's. I want to like pull out two things of what you said, of like one effort. And guess what? Being in a village you don't just like show up and people come to you Like it involves risk. Right, it's a vulnerable emotional risk.

Speaker 1: 56:37

I can think of like several people who, like we were friends, who like went out to coffee or went on walks and I kind of had to rip the bandaid off of like okay, when are we going to really talk about things? When are we going to like really say, like good, how are you Good, how are you? And I actually, instead of like giving her that short response, I give her the long one, I give her the more awkward one, the more messy one, the one where, like I actually tell her and invite her in to what's going on in my life. That's a whole different kind of friendship than like a network. I think you know there's different levels of relationship and connection and I think having a network is a really good, beautiful, powerful thing. And then there's like friends and then closer friends. But there is there's effort yeah, it takes effort of like you showing up and caring about people and showing an interest and like making an effort and finding someone who's willing to do that back and not having it be this like tit for tat, where you're keeping track but you both genuinely care about each other and show up and there's not this like intense pressure of it has to look perfect or pretty.

Speaker 1: 57:43

And then the other thing I love that you said is that multifacetedness. Like it's okay to find different groups, like I think of. I have like some friends who are like my mom friends, like we do a lot of things with our kids together. We do like our kids are the same ages and they go to the same school and it's like they're just as much deeply my friends but like they might not be my friends who I go to with my business stuff. They might not be the friends that I necessarily go to with like marriage or deep parenting things. It just it's okay for it to be multifaceted and have those needs met with different people, because I think in this culture so many of us are at so much capacity that like one person can't be all and do it all, which also out of marriage right. Like your partner can't be your girlfriends. Like you need other people to talk your shit through with who isn't your husband. Like it is so much healthier and happier Um.

Speaker 2: 58:37

I echo that.

Speaker 1: 58:40

I have just loved this conversation so, so much with you.

Speaker 1: 58:46

Um, if you're a local, lauren does incredible, incredible, like community building events, and she's one of those people who anyone who loves her or that she loves I immediately like like there's just, you know, good people are attracted to good people there's this magnetism and I, just as you were speaking, I just want to say this over you you are such a great speaker and teacher and share like as you were, I just I could listen to you talk all day and I found myself losing track of like oh yes, I'm supposed to like host a podcast here, cause I just you you are such a deeply I'm trying to think of the words I want to use.

Speaker 1: 59:29

You have the biggest heart, but I think you have such good connection between your heart and your mouth and I know that sounds, but you are so great at putting words to experience that I think so many women will listen to this and hear this and be like I never knew how to explain it until I heard Lauren share it, and so I'm just so grateful. So thank you so much for being on the podcast today.

Speaker 2: 59:49

Not me ending with tears in my eyes. Thank you so much, becca. That is a very, very kind compliment and one that I receive with joy. I just want to say one other thing. I spent years crying, feeling so lonely as to when and how those women would come into my life, and I just want to speak truth to any woman who's in that phase of where are my people? I see you, I honor you. It is a really hard, messy middle to be in, and I do just want to speak to that effort and nuance really does have incredible gifts waiting for you on the other side. Um, so I'm, I'm encouraging any woman who's truly trying to find their people. Your people are looking for you too, and I love you, becca.

Speaker 1: 1:00:40

Thank you so much. We'll just, we'll just have a love fest. I'm thinking of that. Realize that you I'm going to have to put it in the comments here. There's this reel where these like women are just like freaking out over each other and I saw it and I was like, oh my God, this is me in friendship, just like aggressive attention, where I'm like I'm sure some people feel very uncomfortable with like how aggressively I love and it's like also I love being with someone who, like we both love that. All the verbal affirmation all day. Okay, thank you so much.

Speaker 1: 1:01:08

You guys, if you resonate with this podcast, send me a question, send me an aha moment, share this podcast on social media, send it to a friend who you're like wait, I want a friendship where we talk about things like this and gush over each other, make it awkward, make it fun. Thank you so much for being here. Thanks for joining me on today's episode of the Motherhood Mentor Podcast. Make sure you have subscribed below so that you see all of the upcoming podcasts that are coming soon.

Speaker 1: 1:01:41

I hope you take today's episode and you take one aha moment, one small, tangible piece of work that you can bring into your life to get your hands a little dirty to get your skin in the game. Don't forget to take up audacious space in your life. If this podcast moved you, if it inspired you, if it encouraged you, please do me a favor and leave a review. Send an episode to a friend. This helps the show gain more traction. It helps us to support more moms, more women, and that's what we're doing here. So I hope you have an awesome day, take really good care of yourself, and I'll see you next time.