Calm Isn’t the Goal: Real Nervous System Regulation for High-Achievers

Ever notice rage in your jaw before it reaches your thoughts? That’s your body giving you flags long before your mindset can “think positive.” In Episode 2 of our Somatic Series, Becca unpacks why nervous-system regulation isn’t about staying zen 24/7; it’s about riding the full emotional wave without getting wiped out.

You’ll learn to:

• Pinpoint the exact sensations—heat, buzzing, pressure—that signal an oncoming outburst through Somatic Sensation Tracking 
• Use “orienting” to pull your nervous system back to here & now, instead of reliving old scripts giving you more presence 
• Convert surging energy into boundary-setting power rather than bottled-up yelling from being in a glass case of emotions 

Forget forcing calm. We don't need to sweep our dynamic humanity under a rug of good and grateful. True nervous system regulation means expanding your Window of Connection and capacity so you can meet a toddler tantrum, an inbox explosion, or a partner clash with presence and potency.

Download the free Somatic Workbook for guided practices and worksheets

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Somatic Healing Series
• 6:03 Tracking Emotions Through Body Sensations
• 13:30 Energy in Motion: Moving Through Feelings
• 17:39 Beyond Repression: Healthy Expression
• 20:40 Regulated vs. Calm: Emotional Mastery

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Welcome to today's episode of the Motherhood Mentor Podcast. Today is part two in our somatic series, where we are talking about the foundations of somatic healing and how somatics can really help you feel, heal and reclaim your body, your energy, your presence and how to regulate your nervous system and your emotions. And I really just wanted to bring you some of the basics and foundations of somatics in a way that's easy and accessible and that can immediately impact your life. I mean immediately impact your life, and I would encourage you don't just listen to this, don't just take this in as information. Go integrate it, go practice it, go try it out, go play with it, get your hands messy with it. There is a workbook that goes along with this episode, with this series that I'm doing. That gives you tangible, tactile, visual cues and some of the worksheets that I use.

Speaker 1: 1:06

I don't always use worksheets with my clients, but they're available to my clients and so I wanted to share some of it's essentially the first module of my somatic healing course that's now available for beta testers, which essentially means you're going through the course as I'm building it, so you get some additional support, you get to ask questions, you get to have a little bit of community there, some of the live sessions where we're doing like somatic meditations and somatic movements. You get to do with me live and then get questions, get feedback, get coaching. But essentially I'm taking the whole first module of my course and giving it to you free in this somatic series, mostly just because I love somatics and I wanted to bring it to more people. I wanted to make it easily available and honestly, when people are like okay, I love somatics, what's your favorite book recommendation, I always kind of pause and like, oh, I don't really have one, because, at least for me, somatics in a book on a page, it just falls flat because so much of somatics. Again, if you're new here, go listen to the last episode where I teach you what somatics is, what it's not. But somatics is your experience, it's a relationship and to me on a book that usually just falls flat, other than an audio book, I think an audio book can make it a little bit more connected.

Speaker 1: 2:28

But today we're going to start diving into some of the somatic practices, some of the language around somatics, and one of the big parts of somatic healing is that we start to look at your life not just through story and not just through your beliefs and not just through the language of here's who I am, here's what I am, here's what I'm doing, here's this feeling, here's why I feel this way, and instead we're focusing on sensation. So when you think about emotional regulation or nervous system regulation, a lot of people think of having the language for what you're feeling, which, first of all, the majority of people in our culture have very, very little language for our emotional experiences. Most people have five words angry, mad, sad, happy. But the emotional experience is so vast. I mean, think of the difference between anger and resentment, the difference between anger and overwhelm, anger that's infuriated versus anger that's annoyed, anger that you feel betrayed versus let down. Those are all very different experiences, but if we're calling all of them angry, it doesn't really tell us what to do with it. Or even, let's look at happy. Feeling playful is very different than feeling content. Feeling peaceful can feel very different than feeling powerful. Feeling valued is very different than feeling interested. And yet all of those can quote unquote feel happy.

Speaker 1: 4:19

But what do those feelings actually feel like? What is your sensory experience in your body and not just your head? So one of the foundations is tracking emotion and tracking sensation. So oftentimes people will say, well, where do you feel that? So we'll start with language. We'll start with the cognitive. Let's start getting into the story of things, let's start talking about what's happening.

Speaker 1: 4:47

And as you talk, usually you'll start to get some emotional language. You'll start to say I'm so mad at my sister, I'm so I can't believe my mom did that. It brings me so much grief and anger. And it's like, okay, pause, where do you feel that? Is it in your chest? Is, ooh, pause, where do you feel that? Is it in your chest? Is it in your shoulders? Is it in your throat, your gut?

Speaker 1: 5:14

And then, when you pay attention to where you're feeling that, what does it feel like? And then we get into these words of like achy, is it cold, is it hot, is it fast, is it slow? Is it light? Is it fast, is it slow? Is it light? Is it heavy? Is it butterflies in your stomach or is it bees in your chest? Does it feel like you're going too fast, like you're a live wire? Does it feel too numb, like you don't feel anything at all? Or is it numb that it feels like you just got off the toilet and your foot went numb and it's like it's this numbness, but there's a stinging and a buzzing with it. Is there a weight on your chest? Does it feel like you can't breathe? Are you frozen? Does it feel like you're trying to run, but you're running from, you're running in mud? Does it feel too little or too much? Do you feel limp or do you feel braced and rigid? What does that emotion feel like in your body? See, most of us, especially if you've been doing this healing work, if you have a good foundation of emotional regulation and you've done some healing or some growth work or you had parents who taught you about emotional regulation, you might have some language. But do you have language for the nuance, for the relationship to what you're feeling, not just the story? So I just introduced you to two of the most foundational somatic tools of tracking charge and activation tracking.

Speaker 1: 6:51

Where is this energy? Your emotions are energy. Though that energy, it wants to move, it has a movement to it, it has a pattern. It has an movement to it. It has a pattern, it has an emotional, biological response. For example, if you think of anger and I'm going to use anger in the broad term, I'm going to use fight in the broad term. If you're feeling a fight energy, you might move aggressively towards someone. You might start using harsher, louder, more intense language. Your face might start bracing and you might get these expressions of meanness. You might use more teeth. You might hunch in your shoulders, almost like you're getting ready to like aggressively move towards someone with a fist. You might even finding yourself wanting to like, scream or aggressively get at someone. That's that fight energy in your body wanting to move you. That is the purpose of emotion and energy.

Speaker 1: 7:56

The problem that we run into is that people get stuck in those patterns because our culture never taught us how to resolve things. It taught us to repress it. It didn't teach us how to healthily express anger. Anger, I'm. I'm using anger as an example because for a lot of women, it is their most uncomfortable response, it's their most uncomfortable emotion. Now, that's not true, I will. I take that back. That that's most women, not true? I will. I take that back that that's most women. Because a lot of women, anger is the only acceptable emotion to express and so a lot of times they go to anger as a protective response, to protect them from having to feel the more vulnerable emotions like grief or sadness or disappointment or hurt. So but again, when this, when this emotion comes up in you, it's an energy that needs to move, that needs to metabolize, and we have gotten away from being human, of knowing how to express those emotions and in some ways, this is a good thing. We need some amount of self-control.

Speaker 1: 9:02

A great example of why we want and need self-control is, you know, I think of my little guy and I was pushing him in a grocery cart in a store and he was a little guy even since he was a baby. He wanted his personal space. And we're walking through the aisles, we're grocery shopping, pretty sure we're in the produce, and I was kind of I was right next to the cart but I was kind of like leaning away, I'm pretty sure we're in the produce and I was like bagging something. And this you know, very kind, smiley lady came and she was like getting kind of in his space, in his face. I had babies pre 2020. I hope it's still better. I hope. I hope people are better now about personal space, not like too much personal space where it was like awkwardly avoiding each other, but like give me a bubble.

Speaker 1: 9:49

Anyways, this lady got him in my son's bubble. He was a toddler, maybe two he was. He was little enough to to still have all of his human, natural responses online. He hadn't been taught what was socially acceptable yet, right. And this lady kind of got in his face and he just straight up hit her. He just straight up pushed her away, which is a very natural thing of I don't know you, you don't belong in my face, you're not my mom, you're not my dad, get away from me. It was a fight response and it's like. Of course he did that. That's like, but that's not socially appropriate anymore, right, that's not socially acceptable. And so we learn to repress these responses and expressions of emotion.

Speaker 1: 10:37

And why I use that word? I want you to think of that word repressing versus expressing. Because let's use another example so many moms want to work on not yelling at their kids anymore, which I'm all for. I am all about that goal. Let's do it. And you telling yourself, don't yell at my kids Isn't going to help because you're not dealing with the energy that's creating the yell for me.

Speaker 1: 11:05

I actually, when I was yelling at my kids isn't going to help, because you're not dealing with the energy that's creating the yell For me. I actually, when I was yelling at my kids, it for the most part for me and my body, I actually wasn't having an experience of anger, I wasn't mad at something. I was overstimulated and to me a lot of times, overstimulation. I have ADHD. I'm very, very sensitive to like lots of noise, especially when you know the TV is on and there's music and now the kids are fighting or sometimes they weren't even fighting, they were playing. But it was like too much for me. It was too much emotion, it was too much noise and I'm an empath, so like I could feel that things were about to get tense and now I'm thinking there's conflict coming right. So there's all these different layers to what I'm experiencing. But in those early days of motherhood I didn't have language for what I was experiencing. I only had language for the behavior of.

Speaker 1: 12:02

I keep yelling at my kids and I don't understand why I hate that. I'm yelling. That's not how I want to behave as a parent. Now. Sometimes I need to raise my voice to get their attention. I need to raise my voice to assert my authority. I need to know how to throw my weight around as a mom.

Speaker 1: 12:19

As a parent, my kids sometimes need to feel, oh mom means business. My kids sometimes need to feel, oh mom means business. And the way that I do that, I want to be respectful and intentional and I want to set clear boundaries and expectations and clear consequences versus me, just like combusting and yelling and being mean or rude and you know saying random shit that I'm not going to follow through with right. Who else has like yelled some random threat that you're never going to follow through from? But I would see myself having these responses and I just kept trying to repress them and repress them, but that doesn't work. It doesn't work. It might work for a short time, but it doesn't work in the long run. And relationally, what will happen if you only repress it is you will eventually start to resent them because your body's still having this reaction inside of you, even if you're not expressing it.

Speaker 1: 13:16

So we need to learn how to work with the emotional energy of our bodies and learn how to metabolize and move and move these emotions through us in ways that aren't maladaptive. So adaptive is oh my gosh, I'm feeling overstimulated. I'm going to put in my you know quieting earbuds. Oh, I'm overstimulated and I'm overwhelmed. I need to go take a second, go outside and sit down with some water. Oh, I need to tell the kids hey, you either need to quiet down or go to another room because this is too much for me right now.

Speaker 1: 13:57

Or, ooh, let's say I'm angry and there's a boundary broken. One of my kids said something or did something that is out of alignment with our family rules, our family boundaries. I need that anger to come up in an energy to set a boundary. Anger is often the emotion we have when we need to set boundaries, but if you're a people pleaser, you feel that anger come up and then you repress it instead of using that anger to healthily say this is not okay. Here's what I'm going to do about it. Here is how I am going to create a culture of safety for me and my body and for you. That is what emotional mastery and regulation looks like. It's not that you never get dysregulated I. It drives me crazy when I'm all I see on Instagram. I swear, when it comes to nervous system regulation and emotional regulation is calm.

Speaker 1: 14:56

I am not a calm person. Sometimes I am. That's not true. It depends. It depends on the day that you find me, but sometimes I'm a very calm, quiet person, but sometimes I'm a very calm, quiet person, but sometimes I'm very like even right now. I don't necessarily feel calm, but I am very much in health right now. I am very much in self-expression and authenticity and expression, but I'm not calm. My kids don't need a calm mother. They need a mother who can appropriately respond and react to the situation externally and internally. Sometimes I've got to be nurturing and quiet and soft and peaceful. Sometimes I need to be assertive and a little bit aggressive. Sometimes I want to be playful and fun and sweet and sometimes I need to be teary and emotional and be with them in that hard moment.

Speaker 1: 15:52

Your nervous system is not just meant to be calm. A regulated nervous system is not necessarily a calm nervous system. I think of a nervous system. A regulated nervous system is a body and a person who can move through the dynamic range of the human experience. You are building capacity for activation to happen and then integration to happen, so you can have that activation that spikes you up or that activation that brings you low, and then you know how to come back to this middle ground, into this window. A lot of people call it the window of tolerance. That to me sounds like you're miserable, but you're tolerating it, you're just getting through. You're gritting your teeth, you're bracing your shoulders. So I think of it as your window of connection, your window of health, your window of. I am creative and connective and I can think clearly and make decisions and I can feel where I am creative and connective and I can. I can think clearly and make decisions and I can feel where I am. And you know that window has some highs and lows, even within that right Fast health, medium health, slow health.

Speaker 1: 17:04

This is a concept from oh shoot, what is the book called? I'm forgetting the book. I'll link it in the podcast, but it's from Alchemical Alignment, which is something that my coach uses. My coach is certified in Alchemical Alignment, so it's something and I've done some classes and some courses with them. But they talk about. Your health is not just this line that goes straight across your health is not just this line that goes straight across your aliveness is fast and slow and medium and really really fast and really really slow and your window of connection is not too fast, not too slow, just right. It's a pace where your presence is there. It's your window of presence and embodiment. And I was going so fast there. This is. I love this stuff. I could talk about this stuff all day. Let's just take a quick breath.

Speaker 1: 18:09

This was a lot of information. I threw a lot of information at you in this podcast and what's so funny is I totally went off script and what I was going to talk about. So I'll try to come back to my script for the next, for the next episode not my script, but, like you know, I have these notes of here's the things I'm going to teach you about, and I don't think I hit a single one of them. So we'll just consider this. What is somatics? Part two, I'll still include. No, I'm going to wait on the workbook because I want to be able to teach you guys what's in this workbook when I give it to you. So I hope you loved this episode today.

Speaker 1: 18:49

Thank you so much for joining with me, but before we go today, just take one moment and notice where you are. What are you doing? Are you driving? Are you cleaning dishes? Are you on a walk? And just notice what you're doing, notice where you're doing it, notice the weather, and then check into your body. What parts of your body are you tangibly aware of? Maybe feeling your toes, your fingers, wiggling your nose, the back of your head, your backbone, maybe feeling into your muscles, your bones If you're moving. Notice your pace Are you moving too fast or too slow? And then notice what day it is, what's the day, what's the time, and how old are you today, how old do you feel today? Always a really interesting question, because we don't always walk around feeling our current age right. Sometimes something happens and it pulls us back to a younger emotional level or younger relational level.

Speaker 1: 20:27

So what we did just there is orienting. So what we did just there is orienting, orienting to where and when am I? Can I come back to the present? Because so much of nervous system regulation is helping your body feel where you are, because so much of trauma and trauma responses and trauma patterns is that your body and nervous system is responding and reacting to something that's no longer happening. It's responding to a threat that isn't in the room anymore. It's responding to a threat that still exists but your body hasn't integrated and implemented your new ability and resource and capacity to respond to those in a different way.

Speaker 1: 21:15

So can you feel where and when and who you are today and move through today with more presence, noticing where you are, noticing your environment, how it, and then noticing how it feels, how it's impacting you, noticing your hunger or your fullness, if you're thirsty, if you're tired, if you could get just a little bit more comfortable in your seat, if your bra is driving you crazy and you need to just go put on something without an underwire Actually tuning into your body. How am I feeling today? Sensory, wise, biologically, but also emotionally. Maybe take a moment and get out a journal and just write all of your thoughts and feelings down, just to bring awareness to you. Our culture moves so quickly that we get lost in it, so I hope today it's so funny. I'm giggling, I'm like laughing in my head. I was moving so fast in the meat of the podcast and now I slowed down. But what a beautiful example of dynamic range. Right, we all have these different levels and stages and energies and all of them exist. All of them are your aliveness.

Speaker 1: 22:37

I hope you loved this podcast. I hope you loved this episode. Be sure you're following so that you get the next one in the series, this next episode. Maybe invite a friend to come, do it with you. If you have any questions or aha moments, I would love to hear from you. Please DM me, leave a review for the podcast. That helps me in the podcast so much. So thank you for being here with me today. I hope you have a beautiful, wonderful rest of your day, no matter what time of day that you're listening to this too. I would encourage you.

Speaker 1: 23:11

What would make today just a little bit better, a little bit more magical? What's something you can do to enhance the way today feels? Not just the way it looks, not just what you get done, but the process and the journey of what gets done today? Maybe it's connection with your kid. Maybe it's slowing down to enjoy cooking dinner with a podcast or music. Maybe it's lighting the candles at dinner, maybe it's once you get to your. I'm currently recording this in the insanity of May, and it was so crazy because, while it was a lot to have so much on my calendar, when you're present it doesn't feel like too much, it doesn't feel like overwhelmed or busy, it feels like wonderfully full. And so there was nights where it was like it's not. I love I'm a homebody, I love being at home, but sitting in an award ceremony and just looking around the room, taking in the noises, looking at my kid's face listening to what was said about them. It was beautiful about them and really being present in that moment and soaking it in.