#1 Mistake Fathers Make That Sabotages Their Family Connection. How do you measure your success as a father, husband & man? l EP. 29 l

In this episode of the Be Better podcast, I discusses the common mistake men make by measuring their self-worth solely based on their ability to provide financially. 

I emphasize the importance of balance, urging men to rethink their priorities to ensure their families receive quality time and attention. 

I share insights on setting a good example for children through actions, not just words, and the long-term consequences of neglecting family bonds in pursuit of financial success. 

Offering practical advice on time management, using a calendar to align actions with values, and the benefits of better prioritization for personal fulfillment and healthier relationships.

00:00 Introduction and Common Mistakes

01:10 The Provider Mentality

03:44 Consequences of Overworking

06:45 Setting the Right Example

09:55 Balancing Work and Family

17:45 Prioritizing Your Time

24:06 Actionable Steps and Conclusion

Transcript

 Most men fuck this up and that's why they end up unfulfilled, disconnected, unhealthy and most of all, unsatisfied with life.

Welcome back to another episode of the Be Better podcast. I'm your host, Harrison Ohr. I've coached almost 500 men to have better health, more optimal performance, and just be better husbands, fathers, leaders, and business owners, and just live life on their terms. One of the mistakes a lot of these men have made, myself included, and a lot of men continue to make is the value in which they measure themselves by. The value in which they measure themselves by as a father.

as a husband, as a leader, as a man in general. And so how many men, and this will probably, this might include you, because this was definitely me when I first became a father. What is the number one thing that you said you wanted to be? What type of father? What was the thing that you wanted to do for your child, for your family?

The number one thing that most people, most men say is they, want to provide, I want to be the provider for my family. I want to make so much money that my wife doesn't have to work, that my family never has to go without, that we can have everything that we need so that, you know, we never have to say no to something because we can't afford it. And in saying that, we're inherently saying that I'm only a good father. I'm only a good husband. I'm only a good man.

if I can provide financially, if I can make a certain amount of money to cater for my family's lifestyle, which if you live in a capital city in Australia, it's pretty damn pricey. So we just bought a house literally last week. And so we were looking at some of the numbers, the average stats in the market at the moment. So the average house price in Sydney is

$1.47 million. So almost one and a half million dollars. And so to be able to borrow that much, you need close to $300,000 in household income. So between you and your partner, or if you're the only one that works just for you, you're gonna need $300,000 in income.

We're not talking about either the deposit which you're going to need, or so another 300k plus stamp duty plus everything else, but just to be able to have that kind of money, you're close to 300k. And so the percentage of people that make 300k, it's pretty damn low. And then so if you're both making good money, so you're both evenly split, you're both on 150k, the chance of two people in the one household making 150k,

is even lower than that or some split of that amount of money. And so it's wild how much money and resources it takes to be a single income provided family, right, household. And so if you're the man trying to be the single source of income.

I love that ambition. It's what I want as well. I'm not trying to take that away from you. I wholeheartedly believe that you should strive for that as well. If that's like your ambition as a male, but recognize it comes with consequences. Like you got to acknowledge that if your family's getting the leftovers, if your family is not getting the best of you in order to pursue that, something's got to change.

I'm all for having seasons in life, but if your family is getting the scraps, they're getting the stressed out, the tired, the no energy, the not present version of you so that you can make that money so that you can be the provider, then what are you sacrificing? Sure, you might make that money, but you're also sacrificing being there physically, like emotionally being present so that you can actually listen to how their day was, actually be the father that they want you to be and be there for them in that capacity because

If we're not there when they're little and some of those little things are massive to them, when they get bigger, do you think they're likely to share those things with us on their own accord? No, because we don't have that relationship with them. And so if our family isn't getting that version of us, even in some capacity, like we don't have to quit our job and just give all our time and attention to our family because we still got to make money in some capacity. But if the only interaction they're getting with us is

hired dad, is stressed out dad, is the dad that's always on his phone, he's always worrying about work, he's always taking calls, he's never really here, he's always prioritizing work over family, then no matter what you say, what do you think that shows our kids? Because let's be real, like how often do they listen to what we say versus how often do they learn from what they see us do, right? Every single time. And so if they're watching, that's how

We live, we prioritize phone over those family dinners and communication and conversations. We prioritize going into the office or going to work on a weekend and canceling that social, like that family event or the kids sporting game or whatever it was to go and do that thing. And sure, there's gonna be times when that has to happen. Sometimes stuff is that level of urgency. And so I'm not trying to guilt trip you into

feeling like you should feel guilty or bad or you should never do those things. But if that's the regular, like if that's the common occurrence, think of what example that is setting to your son, to your child. And then ask yourself, is that the example that you want to set? If it is, then don't listen to me, keep doing what you're doing. Because one of the things that I have learned is just to echo that is

our kids learn from how they see us behave, from what they see us do. And so if you would not be happy with your child growing up in a spitting image of you, handling everything exactly the way you do, doing exactly the things you do when nobody's watching, when everybody's watching, down to a T, because there's a fair chance that they're going to just by watching how you interact with life and other people. If you're not happy with them,

doing that, growing up that way and becoming that person, then it doesn't matter what you tell them, it's how we change yourself. And so if you want to change some of those behaviors, maybe that's a good motivator. Maybe it's more of a motivator to tell yourself that, I don't want my son or my daughter to grow up thinking that it's okay to express your anger that way, that it's okay to communicate to someone that you love that way, that it's okay to...

put your health on the back burner and prioritize everybody else and have no boundaries. That it's okay to do these things even though it makes you unfulfilled and unhappy and secretly you want to be doing all these other things. if you want to set a different example, take different action. Show them how you would like them to grow up. If you'd like them to grow up confident, to grow up putting themselves first, to grow up doing these things that these holding these values that you say you have.

but your actions don't match, they're not going to grow up based on what you tell them or what you say they should do. They're going to grow up watching you and emulating you. And I know that's a hard pill to swallow for some people. And so it takes creativity. How can I make this kind of money? How can I be that effective in less time?

so that I can still be here every morning and night to put my kids to bed and when they wake up in the morning so that I can still find time for my health, date nights and like personal time with my partner and like do all these things. Cause let's be real, it's not easy. Like all those things that used to be organic, like date nights and play time with your partner don't happen when you have kids anymore. All the things that you know, you used to be able to just work whatever hours you wanted to do before you had a partner don't happen anymore because you've got someone else to consider. You've got all these things to kind of factor in.

And that can be tough. It can be tough being a father running a business, having a career that you're proud of because we got a lot of balls to juggle, right? We want to be the leader, that person in the career or in our industry that is amazing at what they do, that is the person of influence, the go-to person for that specific thing or their business is. We want to be the masculine energy, the partner.

that leads the family with confidence, that can resolve conflict with a calm, neutral, know, masculine level of level-headedness of thinking. Not the guy that gets frustrated and angry and flustered and I don't fucking know and then throws his hands up in the air and then storms off and doesn't know how to have a conversation, doesn't know how to handle his emotions. And so even if you're keeping that together, even if you're successful at work,

Success means nothing if your kids barely know you. Like success at work, having that multi-million dollar business, having an amazing thriving business means absolutely jack shit if your kids barely know you. If your kids don't trust you to tell you what their day was like, tell you their secret, you what's really going on, what's it all worth? Like if your kids grow up and get to the point where they don't have to be at home, they don't have to rely on you, and they don't want you as a part of their life, they're like, yeah, it's just dad, I'll see him.

at Christmas and birthdays, but they don't actively reach out? What kind of life is that? Like that's not the level of success that I want. I want a level of success where yes, I've made all that money and provided things, but I've been there as part of my kid's life. That I've been able to be there and share things with my son so that when he gets to that point, he actively wants me in his life as his father, as a mate, because he wants me there, not because he has to have me there.

And so that's the frame that I think about a lot is when my son is 20, is 30, has his own family, I want him to want me in his life. I want him to call me to ask for advice, to tell me what's going on on his own accord. Not me have to constantly poke, prod, fish things out of him, like try to get information out him like it's drawing blood from a fricking stone because we just don't have that relationship because I spent his entire childhood working.

prioritizing things that I get to a point where I realize aren't that valuable that I don't even really care about that like, what's the point if what I had to sacrifice is more meaningful.

And looking from that frame massively helps me to bring back my ego, my efforts and resources to, well, is that really necessary? Like is working those hours, is the sacrifice of, be it my health, be it time with my wife, time with my son, is it really worth it?

And like I said, we all have seasons in life. There's times where sure, we've got to go hard. We've got to like really push to get this deadline, to get this thing set up. And then like, okay, we can ease back on that throttle. Like we go in seasons, but it can be really easy to get caught in that full throttle mode where it's just, we just need to get this one thing done. But it's never as simple as that one thing because you get the one thing done and it creates another.

we just need to then bring on one more salesperson. we just need to get this marketing right. we just need to create that next campaign. Okay, now we just need to make that next product. It's just that next thing, that next thing, that next thing. And then it's years and you've been in that same full throttle mode, putting your health and putting the family on the back burner. And now you're feeling tired, you're feeling stressed out, you're feeling burnt out. You sit at the family table and they're talking about things that you have no idea you're about and you feel like you're a stranger at your own family.

Like what kind of life is that?

And so introducing that balance as well. Like I'm a huge fan of Alex Hormozi. I love the content that he puts out. I love his mission about creating, you know, free business information for everybody to help everybody be more successful. But his, his work ethic obviously is a million to none. It's insane, but it's also not practical for people that have a life outside of business. Like if business is everything to you, awesome. Happy that you've found that thing for you.

But a lot of the fathers and the men that I talk to, that's not their mission in life. Their business is a vehicle to get them to where they want to be in life. Their business or their career is a vehicle to create the resources, to be able to provide for their family, to be able to become the man that has the time, has the freedom, has the money, to be able to do cool things with their family, take them on cool adventures, to have all those things that make them proud, that fulfill them, most importantly.

It's not the business itself. It's not that certain amount of money in the bank that provides that fulfillment. It's being able to use that as that resource. It's being able to use that so that your son can play every sport and every rep level under the sun and not have to miss out because of finances. It's so that if you want to homeschool your kids because you value that level of education so that they can learn what they need to in a...

fifth of a tenth of the time and spend the rest of the day outside playing doing cool shit and then you've got that as an option like money doesn't become the limiting factor in your decision-making process as to how you run your household how you raise your children

And so if you're feeling like, okay, well, I'll be able to put more effort and time into my kids when that thing at work happens. When that happens, I'll have more time. know, when we get to this level, we hire that new person, when this new thing takes off, then I'll have more time. Then I'll be able to put it into my health and I'll be able to spend more time with the kids and everything will be great. This is gonna hurt. This is gonna really fucking hurt your ego. But I promise you.

You don't need more time, you need better priorities. Because there's never gonna be more than 24 hours in your day. I can promise you that. Doesn't matter how poor, how rich, how successful, how much of a bum you are, you're only gonna have 24 hours in a day. But how you spend that and how effective you are in those hours is up to you. And so those priorities are how much time am I spending on my health? How much time am I spending on work, creating that money, creating that freedom, resources?

but then also how much time am I putting towards my family to nurture those relationships to be the father, be the husband, to be the man that I want to be because if I look at your calendar, I can tell you your priorities. And if you don't have any of those things, you don't have any time for your health, you don't have any time for your family, then it's simply not a priority. And if that bothers you, change it. Put it in your calendar, make it a priority because no one else can make this a priority for you.

I can't tell you that you should prioritize this, you should prioritize that if it's not a value of yours. And so if that stresses you out, then you can do one of two things. You can either change it, right? Number one is change it, put it in your calendar, make time for your health, make time for your family, make time for the things that you say you prioritize that you, I should say, say that you value. But if you don't value them, if you don't really care, if it's just there because...

Maybe your wife says you should care more, you should be home more or society or somebody else, maybe your parents or someone else has tried to say that you should be working less. You should be spending more time with your family. You should put more time into your health. You should do this. Should, should, Freaking hate that word by the way. Then don't do it. Like don't live your life by somebody else's values. Don't let someone else tell you how to live your life.

And so just get rid of it. Stop saying that, I'll work out. I'll put more time into my health when this happens or I'll start the gym on Monday or I'll, you know, I'll put more time into my calendar when this happens or I'll spend more time. I'll take you on a date night when this happens or I should, should, should I'll do this and keep pushing, kicking that can down the road. Just stop saying it. Stop stressing yourself out. Stop making empty promises that you don't plan to fulfill to other people, but also to yourself.

every time we say something that we don't follow through on, that diminishes our word to other people and they lose trust and faith in us because how many times has you've had someone in your life who said, yeah, yeah, I'll get around to it. I'll do this. I'll do it then. And you know, all right, cool. I know he's never going to do that. Like imagine people saying that about you when you say you're to do something.

I don't know about you, but that makes me feel pretty freaking shit. If I had that little trust, people had that little trust in me to be able to execute on what I said I would, that as soon as I say something, they're like, yeah, cool, that won't happen. He doesn't mean that. He'll do it if he feels like it or if it's convenient, but it probably won't happen. That hurts. As a man who likes to be congruent, as a man who likes to honor his word, that hurts. And so,

by stop making those promises or saying those things to other people and to ourselves, our word gets to mean more, it carries more weight to others and to ourselves. We get to have more confidence in ourself, in what we say we'll do and consequently other people will have more confidence in us. And then also our kids will learn from that. They will start to be able to set boundaries and if someone asks them to do something, instead of saying yes and then,

in their mind thinking, well, there's no way in hell I'm gonna do that or just completely putting that in the back of their mind and never doing it, they can set that boundary and say, actually, you know what? I don't think I'm gonna do that. Sorry, that's not a priority for me right now. Or you know what? really just, I just don't want to. I'm just gonna be honest with you. And then everybody's on the same page. And so they learn how to then say no and set boundaries from you doing it.

as opposed to them learning the opposite, feeling like you have to people please say yes to everybody and then just follow through and then your word is worth nothing and then consequently your kids will do that as well. And then you're also breeding your kids to say yes to you and to do all these things and know that they can say yes because they know that's what you want to hear at the time and they just not follow through. And then how much does that frustrate you later when they don't do what they said they would do? Really fucking annoying, isn't it? And so.

I'm going leave it there for now. I hope I've given you a few things to think about. I hope I've given you a few different frames on where you might sit in your current reality. Things that might be stressing you out. Priorities that you might or values that you might say you have that are not being lived up to. That your actions and your calendar don't really reflect. And so if I can leave you with one action to take from this, look at your calendar and

First of all, I'm not gonna assume that you have a calendar. If you don't have a calendar, huge red flag, go and use the fucking calendar. If you need help establishing one, I've got a bunch of resources that I can send you. So just drop a comment on this or on the show notes or just reach out to me on Instagram. I'll send you some resources on sending that out because how you manage your time is everything. It's our most valuable resource. So assuming that you've got a calendar, look at where your time is being spent.

and assume that everything that's in your calendar are your priorities and your values. Is there anything in there that A, you do not value and is not a priority? Get rid of it. Hint, you can check your screen time in your phone for that one. Two, anything that is a priority, so that you want to be a priority and that is a value of yours, that is not being actioned, that is not in your calendar, put it in your calendar.

Put it in your calendar first before work fills it up. Put the date night, every fortnight or every month with your partner in there. Put time with your kids, like in the mornings or at night or the weekends, whenever it is when you have a phone's off, screen's off, no work zone, and it's purely being present with your kids. It's none of this, it's just, I'm here. Tell me about your day. Let's play with the cars. Let's make this little Lego thing. Let's go kick a footy. Let's go for an adventure. Let's go do whatever. Because if you don't prioritize that time,

Nobody else can. And then the days and the weeks will continue to slip by. And then you'll eventually look up and think, how the hell did I get here? And so I hope that's helpful. Now you've got the lesson, you know the, you know the motto, don't be sorry, be better. Take this action, go and do something with it. And if you're ready for action, actually comment on this, drop a comment, show me a message, what you have actioned as your first priority, as your new.

level of action, your new realigned value and priority, what are you gonna do? Is it time with your kids? Is it something to do with your health? need to bet on time, taking time for the gym meal prep. Is it taking your partner on a date, sitting there undisturbed, giving them your wholehearted 100 % undivided attention, whatever it might be. So with that, don't be sorry, be better. I'll see you in the next episode, bye.