The 3-Step Cure to Nice Guy Syndrome (Without Becoming Everything You Hate) l EP. 36 l

 If you’re a man who’s sick of being the nice guy — the people-pleaser, the pushover, the guy who bends until he breaks — this episode is your wake-up call. 

I break down the 3 exact steps to evolve into a grounded, respected, embodied masculine leader who can say no without guilt, lead without ego, and finally reclaim your edge — without becoming an asshole in the process. 

This is for the dad, the business owner, the high performer who looks successful on paper but feels soft, scattered, or unseen behind closed doors. We’re calling forward the version of you who your wife trusts, your kids admire, and the world can’t ignore. 

🔗 Apply for coaching if you're done pretending. If you’re ready to lead like the man you told yourself you’d become. 

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Transcript

Harrison Orr (00:01.418)
you recognize that you're a nice guy and you're sick of those traits and want to level up out of being a nice guy into being a masculine man, this episode is for you.

Harrison Orr (00:14.39)
Welcome back to another episode of the Be Better podcast. I'm your host, Harrison Orr. I've coached almost 500 men to reclaim the edge, get rid of nice guy syndrome, and ultimately live up to their highest potential so they can run their business, run their marriage, and be an impeccable father, and just be an overall outstanding man living to their highest potential. And so this episode is gonna be about how to step...

out of that nice guy syndrome, how to step out of those traits into a man that has control, is decisive, has direction, has boundaries and is able to say no, all without being a dick, all while still holding the respect, the admiration and the, I was gonna say praise almost then, but the respect is probably the best word for those around you. Because if you're like me,

Part of this journey is first of all, recognizing the nice guy traits. Like, shit, I do that all the time. That's, I get triggered by that. I say yes. And even when it's detrimental to myself, I do all these things and have all these expectations and I'm frustrated. I'm not where I want to be. All these things. Awesome. Then our brain naturally goes, well, if part of the reason I'm here is because I don't know how to say no, and cause I don't set boundaries. Well, then I should just.

start saying no and setting boundaries, right? I'm putting everybody else first, so now I should put myself first, right? Logical sense, right? And it's not entirely wrong, but the way we, or at least I, went about doing it was not right, was not helpful. And so when we've gone too far one way, we swing that pendulum back and it often goes too far the other way. We don't often end up in that middle ground unless we have structured

support or a plan or just guidance in navigating that. Because what happened to me when I learned about these traits, what I needed to change if I was to ever not be a nice guy and actually have the respect for myself first and foremost, but those around me, I went too far. I didn't communicate any of my boundaries. So I just started saying no to people and being really blunt and cutting people off. I was quite arrogant in some of the things that I was doing.

Harrison Orr (02:42.832)
And instead of getting this positive response, especially from partners or from females, like I was kind of expecting, I was met with fights and arguments and frustration, like the exact opposite of what I thought I'd get. And so was even more confused. I'm thinking, I said no, I set my boundary. I didn't do the thing that I didn't want to do. Why is this now a fight? Why am...

I now feeling more self-conscious and anxious about this. What gives? The problem was, well, there was a few actually. One of them was just like typical nice guys. We make these contracts or these changes in our mind and we fail to communicate them to people. We fail to communicate those boundaries. We fail to communicate what we're feeling, why we're feeling it. And most importantly, from a neutral state.

And so this leads me into the three steps that I'm going to run you through today that I have personally gone through and the way that I take my clients through to get them from being nice guys that bend over for everybody to a man that is respected even when he says no, even when he says what people don't want to hear, they still admire him. They still honor him and they still fucking love him. And the first part in this is regulating our nervous system because

When we say no, when we set that boundary, if it's coming from a place of lack, if it's coming from a place of stress, it's coming from a reaction or a passive aggressive response, it's not gonna be received very well. It's not even gonna feel nice coming out. It's not gonna feel powerful like we're know, we're strong in who we are, we're not bending or quivering with our values. It's gonna feel like a reaction, like a...

well, you said this. Yeah, well, fuck you. You can't do this. I'm gonna say no to you. It's like being spiteful, right? And so when we're able to regulate our nervous system, we're able to communicate clearer. We're able to be empathetic and listen to somebody else. We're actually able to hear what this person has to say and attempt to understand what's going on, what they're trying to communicate, as opposed to sitting there thinking as they're talking.

Harrison Orr (05:08.352)
how am I gonna respond to this? How am I gonna get out of this? How am gonna shut this person down? We're just jumping at that next opportunity to talk and bulldoze our way to getting what we want. And that was a trait that I used to think was masculine, right? I thought that assertiveness, that dominance was being masculine. I was so far from the truth. And I think a lot of guys still feel like that. And that's where this...

toxic masculinity kind of comes in because people assume all those traits are toxic, are bad. That's what masculinity is. It's like, sure. Things like maybe arrogance or narcissism or some of those traits might fall more into either immature masculine or dark masculine. But everything has a time and place, right? Everything is contextual. And especially, if you work with me, you'll

at one point go through a process of ownership. And what that looks like is I've got a list of 142 traits and we'll go through every single one. And you're going to write down a time in your past where that statement or you have exhibited that trait. And so there's certain traits in there that are gonna be easy. You're like, I can remember plenty of times that I was smart or that I was adventurous or that I was giving or loving or whatever. What about the times that you were narcissistic?

What about the times that you were aggressive? What about the times that you were belittling? Or some of these traits that you might not want to own? They're the ones that trigger us the most. But the point is that those traits have a place. Right? Is it right to be aggressive towards your wife if she simply reminded you about the thing that you said you were gonna do five times already? Or reminded you about...

the milk that you had to pick up on the way home but didn't. Probably not. Probably not a justified response. But is aggression justified if someone's threatening you or your family?

Harrison Orr (07:19.19)
Some would say yes. So, and this plays into the whole balance of being healthy, mature masculine is we want to have range, right? And so this is where if you're, if you resonate with being a nice guy, we talk about, you you, your partner wanting you to have a spine, wanting to have a backbone, wanting to stand for something because they want to know that you can access these traits.

Like for safety and survival, your female partner, your feminine partner wants to know that you can be aggressive to defend her if need be, right? That you can just pull out anything out of your tool bag and get the job done to defend her, to defend your kids, to keep you guys safe. She wants to know that you can access that. She doesn't want to be on the receiving end of that. And so that's where the control in these traits

comes in and knowing when to use each one. We can only do that from a regulated nervous system. If we're in fight or flight mode all the time, we're gonna be reactive. We're going to pull out that sword or that response that we have most commonly used in this situation, which if you're a nice guy, probably not a useful trait up until this point, right? It's served you to get you to here, but it's probably one of the ones you wanna change. And so when we're in fight or flight mode, our brain is not very malleable. It's very,

in terms of being able to change behaviors. It's a lot harder. So we want to spend more time in that rest and digest state with our calm, neutral state, because then we can see things when they appear. Maybe it's chaos, maybe it's a conflict, maybe it's something that we just didn't see coming. Take a breath. What am I going to do about it? We don't go into reactive emotional blaming. We don't go into pointing fingers. We go into cool. This is the situation.

What am I gonna do about it? Your woman brings some chaos home to you. Awesome, babe. Do you want a vent or do you want solutions? you just want a vent? Awesome. I'll just shut the fuck up and sit here and listen. Tell me everything you got. you want a solution? Okay, cool. Now I can go into my male problem solving mode. I can't tell you how many times that simple question has saved me from arguments, from fights, from misunderstandings.

Harrison Orr (09:47.532)
purely because I went into problem solving mode, I didn't try to understand what my woman was trying to communicate through her feelings. Because the feminine will communicate in feelings as opposed to words. The words are just surface level stuff. When you can read through those lines, through those words and figure out what it is she's feeling, what it is she's trying to communicate and you address that, game changer.

you will develop a much deeper relationship, a level of trust in each other and in the level of intimacy that you will not have known before when you can understand her to that point because she probably won't even know herself unless she's done a lot of deep personal work too. I'll give an example.

It might seem like nagging if she's repeatedly asking you to clean up the garage, right? You said you would clean up the garage multiple times. It's been a couple of months now, still hasn't happened. And she gets frustrated and keeps saying it. Do you think she's really frustrated about the garage not being that clean? Yeah, maybe a little bit, right? Deeper issue is that you said you would do something and you have not done it.

Therefore, she cannot trust your word. She cannot trust you to do what you say you would. Therefore, she cannot trust you. And so when she can't trust you, she needs to find that certainty and that safety within herself. So she needs to step into her masculine to create that, because she can't rely on you.

And that might be eye-opening for some people, but as a man, we should be impeccable with our word. Only say things that you're gonna do if you're gonna do them, if you can do them. If you can't do them, don't commit to them. Being impeccable with your word will create an immeasurable amount of trust and respect, first of all, for yourself, and then for those around you, more than anything else can.

Harrison Orr (11:58.294)
So point number, step number one is that regulation. Step number two, learn to lead following off from what we just said. Leading starts with ourself, starts with being impeccable with our word, starts with the discipline of ourself. Because if we're not leading ourself, like we don't know our values, we don't know where we're going. We say we're do things, but we never follow through. That's gonna affect our confidence. Because just like in that situation there about the garage with our wife, we have the same dilemma in our head.

that darker voice and the other voice, he's gonna say, well, why should you be confident about anything? You've been saying you're do all these things for months and you haven't done any of them. You can't even do those. So what makes you think you're gonna be able to land this climb? What makes you think you deserve to have a sleep with you and have this, you know, all this trust and respect and love and admiration when you can't even follow through on your word? What makes you deserve any of that?

voice has got a fair point. And so a lot of guys will think about, okay, I'm changing for my wife, for my marriage, for the people around me. That's still a nice guy trait. That still I'm wanting their acceptance, their validation. I'm wanting to appease these other people. So I'll change, I'll morph like a chameleon into what they want. Wrong energy. The energy to make these changes is

I know where I'm going. I know what I'm worth. I know who the fuck I am. And I'm going this way. I'm doing this for me. Because then we're not doing this based on the admiration or the affection that we get from other people. Because if that's what we're basing this off, sure, you might make changes for a few weeks. But then if your intimacy doesn't change, you don't get external recognition or validation.

that nice guy's gonna come back out and think, what the fuck's the point? No one even noticed. I haven't had any more sex since making all these changes anyway. And the cycle continues. So that's why it's for ourself first and foremost. I'll give you an example. I was talking to a client the other day and he was saying about some of the changes that he'd made. And he decided, you know what, fuck it. I'm just gonna do it. I'm...

Harrison Orr (14:21.748)
Saturday morning, I'm gonna get up, I'm just gonna go and smash out all these tasks and not for any validation, not for any brownie points with the misses. I've said I'm gonna do these things around the house, I'm gonna go smash them out. Cool. Got up Saturday morning, went through, boom, boom, boom, boom, smashed them all out for his own peace of mind, his own confidence, his own clarity to kind of close those tabs in his head and be impeccable with his word.

almost immediately the change of energy and intimacy from his partner basically throwing herself at him the next morning making him breakfast in bed showing him this new level of love and affection that he hadn't seen in years and he didn't do it for anything from her it wasn't with the intention you know the nice guy intention of if i do all this stuff then she'll she'll

You know, she'll put out she'll sleep with me. She'll be more intimate. She'll be more relaxed She'll give me what I want. She'll you know, she will respond in this way as I'm doing this stuff for me

And that is powerful.

A lot of guys are scared of that because they figure if I'm doing this for me and what if they don't like it? What if they don't like that I'm putting me first and I'm doing all this? What if that actually repels some people? What if my wife doesn't like this and she calls me selfish and it drives us further apart? Maybe.

Harrison Orr (15:54.902)
Bit on the selfish part. The sooner we can accept that everything anybody does ever on this planet is always and will always be selfish, the sooner you can remove that as a negative label or an insult. You're so selfish. Yeah, I am. Thank you.

You don't have to say it because that's going to start a fight. And yeah, so are you. If we take this to natural extremes, I'm sure we've all heard of stories of a do-gooder who maybe dives into a rip in the ocean to save a kid or dives in front of a bus to push someone out of the way so they don't get hit by the car. And we think, it was such a selfless act. There's such a hero. All these things. Amazing. I'm not taking anything away from those people. But what is the real reason?

subconsciously that they won't even know that triggered them to go and take that action to risk their own life. Was it that they wanted to save this stranger, put their own life in danger over and to save that stranger or even save their kid? Probably not. The real reason is because they didn't want to live in a world where they saw that happening, had an opportunity or a chance to save them and didn't take it.

they would rather die trying than be in a world where they have to live with that guilt that they could have saved this person and didn't do anything about it. They just sat there and watched.

Harrison Orr (17:27.68)
Right? So that's the extreme. justifying why you do anything else becomes much simpler. And so, yes, we are all selfish. Not a negative term. And...

End of debate. Now, once we're starting to lead ourself, we know our values, we know our purpose, we know where we're going for us, not trying to appease anyone else, we lead us, because we've got that energetic magnetism from those around us, because we know where we're going. And there's a pool, right? There is an attraction to people like that.

If you've ever been around someone that is so confident, so certain of themselves, knows where they're going and will not take no for an answer. And not in an arrogant, like, get out of my way type thing, but in this calm certainty.

attractive. You want to be around that person. You want to see, okay, cool. This person is going places. I want to be on that boat. I want to be on that ride. And when we lead ourselves like that, naturally it enables us to lead our household, lead our partner. And they can then relax into like assuming you have a female partner, a wife, she can then relax into her feminine because she doesn't have to lead anymore. She can trust that you're going to do it, that you can take over.

And this only happens through repetition, through consistency. And yes, she will test you. She will test you with sex and temptation and all these other things to see how much does he really mean what he says? How aligned is he really to this purpose, to doing all this? And that's where eventually, if you go down that path, you might get to the point of ejaculation control.

Harrison Orr (19:24.044)
semen retention, some people call it. And so you're still having sex. It's not abstinence of sex, but you're able to have sex without ejaculating. And then so you withhold that, you have the power now. Cause most women get into bed and they're like, cool, no, I can make this guy come in a couple of minutes if I want to. We're having sex because I want to. And he's going to come when I tell him to come because I'm in control here. Cause he can't control his orgasm. He can't control his body.

When you can control that, you hold the power.

You hold the power to say no. And just like a little child, when you take the toy away, what do they want more of? Like, I'll give you five minutes here. Okay, I'm complete now.

I'm gonna go have breakfast. The tease factor, the tension that that builds will create a dynamic, a polarity, a level of power that I had never experienced before until I did that. I used to think it was a crock of shit. I'm like, coming is amazing. Why would you not wanna do that? That's dumb. Until I realized, I started to notice I should say, how depleted I was feeling.

after sex quite often, like I'd feel depleted, complacent, comfortable for like a couple of days. Like my drive to go and do stuff, even to go and lift, to go and like, you know, make more calls, to go and push in business and challenge myself was gone. I was like, this is comfortable. This is easy. And my drive was gone. And that's what started my journey into that. And that's what grew going that power. Cause I realized what was depleting me.

Harrison Orr (21:14.09)
Now, one, regulate our nervous system, regulate our state. Two, lead ourself. Know where we're going, be undeniable in where we're going. Create that energy. That sets us up for number three, which is the embodiment. Embodying these traits so that this is the man that we are everywhere we go.

It's not, well, I'm only this man after I've done my two hour morning routine and I've had a good night's sleep and I'm in this environment and it's super controlled and my wife says this and I've got a script for that. So I know how to say this and that's how, like I know how to do it in that container. Cool. That's a start. But the embodiment is not just a state change, right? You can withhold that ejaculation one time. You can jump in an ice bath. You can do some breath work. can jump up and down.

Do some Tony Robbins shit. Have a state change. Feel better about yourself. Feel masculine. Feel powerful. Whatever it is. But that will fade.

And if we're constantly chasing that, we're the same, you're probably the same type of person that says like, I'm not motivated to do this. I don't feel like doing it. So I'm not going to do it. Cool.

It's not about that state change. Sure, that's part of the start, but we need to embody it. We need to be that energy that radiates out of us as we walk, as we move, as we talk, as we sit there like the lighthouse in the storm.

Harrison Orr (22:56.426)
Because when we become that man, we're not just faking a couple of traits. We become that man. It's who we are every moment of the day.

It makes it a lot easier to handle that chaos, to handle that conflict, to lead in business, to lead your marriage, to step up.

because that now becomes the default state. And sure, there's always gonna be kinks in the air, and there's always gonna be default states that aren't serving us to our highest purpose, but that's where that self-reflection comes in. Having a mentor, have someone challenge you on these things, see where things aren't as good as they could be. But it's about lifting that floor. So imagine those default states are still mature masculine states. They're not reactive little boy victimhood mentality.

much higher level of consciousness, much higher emotional intelligence.

Harrison Orr (23:58.144)
Not a bad place to be.

And so that's the overview. That's a 30 step process that I've personally walked through slash walking through and what I take all my clients through. And if that hits home, if you were ticking some of those boxes like that makes sense. That's what I want that like, yes, yes, yes. Then in the show notes, you can jump on a link to apply for coaching. I don't take many people at all because it takes a lot of my energy. like to give my best to people.

And also I only like to work with people that I 100 % know that I can transform and get them from where they are to where they want to be. So most often it's no. But if that resonated with you, if you feel like, fuck, I really need this, I want to least have a chat. In the show notes, you can jump on the link to apply for coaching. And then I'll get back to you within 48 hours if it's worth us having a chat or if I might have other resources or people I can redirect you to for where you're at in your journey. So.

With that said, have an incredible day. Don't be sorry, be better.