Why Hustling Harder Was Making Me a Worse Father & Slowing Down Felt Like Weakness — That Was Wrecking My Marriage l EP. 37 l

Most men think they’ll just “figure it out” when fatherhood hits.
 I thought the same — until my old habits nearly wrecked the one thing that mattered most: my presence.

In this episode, I break down the hardest mindset shift I had to make becoming a dad.
 Not just learning how to change nappies… but how to change my state.

⚠️ What I thought made me productive — high pressure, less sleep, more caffeine — made me anxious, irritable, and reactive.

What I really needed was:

• Nervous system regulation
• Flexibility in my routine
• Presence over pressure
• And a calm, focused state that could lead under chaos

I open up about the moment I realized I was seeing my wife and son as a “hindrance”… and how that painful truth helped me evolve into the man, father, and leader I needed to become.

If you’re a business-owning dad, or just a man juggling too many hats and feeling stretched thin — this episode is for you.

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Or if you want more personalised help to step out of the nice guy & into the masculine presence you're capable of - faster,

Apply for 1:1 coaching HERE

Find me on Instagram @theelitefather

Transcript

 Harrison Orr (00:07.25) This was probably one of the biggest and hardest adjustments I had to make transitioning from a man and a husband into a father. Harrison Orr (00:18.453) This is one of the biggest adjustments I had to make when becoming a father. Harrison Orr (00:30.931) Welcome back to another episode of the Be Better Podcast. I'm your host, Harrison Ohr, and I've helped almost 500 guys to have more energy, more time, more presence with less stress so that they can have more fulfilling relationships and a more fulfilling life so that they can be better husbands, fathers, business owners, all the jazz. And I was speaking to a new person in my space the other day and he just started his journey as a father. think his kid was two months old now and he was just learning to adjust to a lot of the different ways of life, right? Because as a father, you can't really do things when you want to anymore. You can't do things the way that you used to do them because there's new things to factor in. There's new hurdles to overcome, new obstacles, new factors to everything. Things that may have been easier beforehand, maybe not so easy now, right? You used to be able to just, okay, we're going here. Get dressed, get cleaned up and off you go. Now with a child, you have to pack extra snacks, extra nappies, make sure that they've got the right clothes on, all the things, backpacks, the whole thing, just for a quick journey. It takes a hell of lot longer. And so in this conversation with him, I went down memory lane a little bit, and I was remembering back to some of the biggest challenges that I had when I first became a And prior to becoming a father, I was, well, I guess I realized this once becoming a father. about how selfish I was beforehand. I very much like to do things when I like to do them. I am a very structured person. It took a hell of a long time and a lot of mistakes and experiences to work on my flexibility mentally and with my routine since becoming a father. And I used to be the type of person that if things needed to get done, you know, there was more on my plate than usual. it was my sleep that would suffer. I would just stay up later or I would get up super early and go do it. If I needed to work earlier and I like to train before I work, so I would get up at two, three o'clock in the morning, train, be back and working by 5 a.m. and smash through whatever else I needed to do. Because I figured, well, I can just not sleep and take more caffeine or more stimulants to get through the day. I would just work more, have more caffeine and Harrison Orr (02:57.98) I'll get it done eventually. Now, I can't really do that so much because now also in hindsight when I was drinking that amount of coffee, I was productive when things went my way, but was then also extremely irritable, extremely anxious and frustrated when things didn't go my way. And that's not a great recipe for being a father, being a present father when kids... Don't play by your rules. Kids are bipolar in nature. So you can have a happy playing child one second and they want your attention. Something, you know, their block, stack of blocks gets knocked over and then it's World War III. And now you've got to regulate your emotions so that you can regulate their emotions and then still manage to get done, whatever it is, whether you're trying to cook dinner or clean up or whatever it is. And it... took probably a few months, probably longer than I would like to admit, that that old way of doing things of just sleep less, well, sleeping less was happening anyway with a newborn, but just having more caffeine and trying to get on with it does not work. Well, it didn't work for me at least anyway, because when I was that caffeinated, I wasn't present. I was... going from one task to the next, just go, go, go, go, go, go, get it done now, move out of my way, hurry up, move, gotta get this done. And I wasn't present with my wife. I wasn't present with my son. I almost saw them as a, as a hindrance because they were slowing down my production. They were slowing down and getting in the way of me doing things. And when I had that realization, think about having that, that thought, my wife and son are a hindrance. in my life. Harrison Orr (04:53.704) That hurt. I had the thought and the realization that's the way that I was behaving and that hurt fucking me. And then I realized that just pushing my way through that was not gonna work. I couldn't have so much caffeine and be high all the time because I thought that the ideal state for productivity was just raw energy, more caffeine, more stimulus. Just go, go, go, go, and you'll get more work done faster. what I've shifted to through a bunch of trial and error and yet being in different states and trial in different things, I now think the most optimal state, I'd say for just about anything is calm but focused. And by anything I'm talking about like interactions, connections, even work really, like work that requires mental. application, not so much if you're just doing physical work, then sure, load yourself up and go for hand, because you've got something to do with your hands, you've got something to move your body, flush it through. But if you're sitting in a desk, you're trying to have a conversation, and then you're always vibrating out of your shell, because you're so stimulated, probably not a tool, not a great state to be in. And so by shifting that focus and then my pursuit for that optimal state, being calm and focused, what that's allowed me to do is navigate obstacles a hell of a lot easier. I've been able to stay calm when my son is losing his shit. I've been able to stay present and actually feel what my wife is trying to communicate. instead of disconnecting, taking it personally, getting offended, getting defensive or anything like that, and actually being able to hear and feel what she's saying. And then if it's an issue, we work through it. I can be calm, level-headed, and we get to the bottom of it. If it's just she needs to vent or she's just got something to get off her chest, then I can lean into that as well. Because I know what she needs from me in that moment. Harrison Orr (07:16.976) I don't go straight into problem solving mode like I used to and just, well, why don't you do this? Like it's so obvious, just do this, get rid of her, change this and do that and then problem solved, easy, why don't you do that? And if she's not looking for a solution, she's not gonna feel heard. She's not gonna hear anything I say, because I haven't really heard anything that she said. And the only way that I was able to get to this calm and focused state was through regulating my nervous system by putting conscious effort, conscious time throughout the day, adjusting my routines so that I was able to not be so reactive in that fight or flight mode. Getting better sleep. Obviously there's restrictions on that. with having a child, things outside your control, but doing the best that I could. And that improved massively just by that control. But then also not relying on those stimulants, controlling that nervous system. It's allowed me to prioritize things better because before I would just, I'd be always on a time schedule. I gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta so much stuff to do, gotta be busy, and I'd fill my time with stuff being busy. but I wasn't always productive. I would jump to the thing that I could do the easiest or smash out the fastest, but that task wasn't always the most important task. Wasn't always the highest priority task. Or if you read the book, 10x is easier than 2x, wasn't always the 10x task. It was the probably a 0x or a 1x task, but it was something that I could do easy and get a quick dopamine fix from. but staying regulated, staying in my body, staying calm, allowed me to actually, okay, well, I can move this, I can change this, but I can't do this one. Okay, I can look after my son now and calm him down so my wife can still get ready for work and it's not gonna impact my day. I can shift these things around. And then I'm gonna do X, Y, and Z because that's the most important thing for me to do today. Anything beyond that is a bonus. I'm being totally okay with that. Harrison Orr (09:39.015) and carrying that energy for myself. Like before we think about how that impacts other people, it's so much nicer to walk around with that level of energy rather than I'm late, I'm gonna get stuff done, I'm not gonna run out of time, I'm stressed, I need more, I'm just like go, go, go, go. That's where all that overthinking and overwhelm stems from. And really I think when we talk about overthinking, I heard this reframe from a mentor once and he said, it's more like, under thinking when you think about it. It's like people say like, I overthink everything. When really they just have like a bunch of half-baked ideas or half-baked thoughts. They'll say like, what if this? And then what if this? And then what if that? But they never actually flesh it out. We never actually, okay, what if this? Okay, well, what if this? And then what happens? And then, and then, and then, and is that a big deal? We never get to, I don't know about you, but I never get to that point. because I've gone through so many just surface level half-baked ideas, half sentences and called it overthinking. When I haven't really fleshed out anything and when I flesh, do flesh them out and go through it all the way, like, huh, either one of two things will happen. Either that's actually not that bad. You're right, I will actually die and there's nothing I can do about it. Or the likelihood of that happening is probably not very high. The likelihood that I get. rejected or shut down by making the suggestion is probably not very high. Right. And so that's been helpful for me. Harrison Orr (11:19.526) And so if you're someone that's maybe, you don't even have to be a new father. Like if you're someone that's operated off that system to just go, go, go, just always reactive, always stimulated, always just looking for the next thing to do instead of being present, I invite you. to slow down a little. Because I used to think that slowing down meant I was lazy. I'll tell you a quick client story actually. I used to have a client, this was about three years ago now, and he came to me as most guys did. He was running a business, he was doing all the things for his family, was making good money, and he wanted to be more present. He didn't want to be so stressed and irritable and annoyed all the time because it obviously caused issues at home. as it does. And we started with the routines, we made the changes, we addressed a lot of the stress and the sources of things and all that stuff. And there were glimmers of like, of him being calmer and more present and the change, but then it would always revert back to the same state. And then what we found was this man had connected the success of his business and by default his ability to provide for his family and be a provider or a good husband, a good father with the chaotic pressure and stress that it took to get to that level. And so in his nervous system, in his subconscious brain, he recognized that if I'm stressed and overwhelmed and under pressure, then it means that business is going well. It means that I'm making more money. It means that I'm providing for my family, therefore I am a valuable, worthy, good husband, good father, good man. Seems like lot of holes to get, like strings to get through, right? But that's what happened. And every time that he was calm or he was present or he wasn't stressed or he wasn't overwhelmed, his mind went into the reverse. Harrison Orr (13:34.14) This means that the business is not going well. It means that you're not making money. It means that you're not gonna be able to provide for your family. It means that you're going to fail. You're gonna go bankrupt. You're gonna do all these things. So he would self-sabotage himself to put himself back into that state that was so familiar of chaotic stress under pressure. Harrison Orr (13:56.743) And so think about maybe this has happened in your journey, depending on how far along you are, maybe you've been in states where things have felt good, it's the direction that you want to go, but you've somehow sub-pointuously sabotaged yourself. You've managed to find more work, more pressure, more things to do, instead of enjoying that present moment, instead of calming down, relaxing and doing all the things. because we become addicted to that state. Harrison Orr (14:28.592) And so the challenge is to find, or I guess there's two, depending on where you're at. If you resonate with the first part of the story and you're stressed, overwhelmed, all the things, see if you can find times to be present. Times throughout the day, whether you're at work or you're at home with your family, to be solely present in what you're doing. So bring your attention to your breath, bring your awareness down into your body and kind of out of your head. Just see what you feel just for 60 seconds. Set a timer on your phone, close your eyes, breathing through your nose, down deep into your diaphragm, expanding your belly, and just feel your body. See if there's any tension, see if there's any, if you've got a muscle pump, you've just been to the gym, if there's any cramps, there's any injuries or inflammation, the feeling, the clothes, the socks. maybe the chair underneath you, whatever it is. See if you can feel all that, just for 60 seconds. And then go into whatever you were doing. Go back into your work tasks or walk in the door, speak to your wife, your kids, whatever it is. And see what you notice is different. Now, if you're already at that point, or you've done that a couple of times, or you've correlated stress and that pressure with productivity, with success, see if you can, how you operate by being calm and focused. Next time you sit down to maybe have a client conversation or do some work, see if you can find that calm, focused state, that flow state. Harrison Orr (16:15.964) and see what you notice about your productivity. See what you notice about how quick your mind works, how accurately you can articulate your ideas and get them down and move through problem solving, move through the tasks. If you're in conversation with clients or employees, how well you articulate yourself, how present you can be, what changes in terms of the connection and the communication quality, and then also the outcome, of course, as well. What we're doing here is we're starting to look for proof that you can become present and focused and still be productive. I would argue even more productive, but you can still be productive. You can still get work done. You can still do all these things without having to operate from a place of stress, from a place of lack, from fight or flight mode. Harrison Orr (17:12.456) because that makes us a hell of a lot more flexible when things don't go our way. We can navigate things a hell of lot easier. And the energy that we emit to everyone around us shows that we're someone worth following, that we're in control. Like the chaotic guy that's here, there, and everywhere, that's loud, that's abrupt, that's, know, quote unquote, an alpha male, whatever. He's not really in control. He's not in control of his emotions. He might bully people into... following him or doing what he says, but he's not a real leader. He's not really in control versus the guy that's able to sit there silently, just watching, just taking everything in. and then just with one blow, with one direction, pierces through everything else with absolute clarity and calmness. That's the lighthouse in the storm type energy. That's the certainty, the safety, the calmness that our family looks to us for, that people at work look to us for. because I know as long as I've got him on my team on my side, we're gonna be okay. No matter what it is. He's always calm under pressure. He can handle anything. He can think through anything and he's got us. Harrison Orr (18:38.844) And so that's your challenge for today. If you resonate with any of that, set yourself that task. Select little moments in your day to just be more present. Whether you set phone alarms throughout the day, you set some intentional practices before you start work and when you finish work before you walk home, before you walk in the door I should say. And see what you notice is in those interactions with your wife, with people at work, with your productivity, like all those things. And when you bring intentional presence and consciousness to those times, what we're doing is we're starting to build this proof, this track record, that things are better in that state. Because right now we've got your nervous system that's kept you alive that says like, no, that is dangerous. We need to be in fight or flight mode. We need to be go, go, go. We need to be highly stimulated and caffeinated because that's where success is. That's where drive is. That's where like I'm at my best and just like working through things. Because it's got us to this point. So it's wonderful, but consider it as a tool. Cause that will get us so far, but that's like a shooting star. Like it'll get us so far, then it'll just burn out and crash. But if we've got the second cylinder, the calm, focused, present energy to just coast keep us going, then we've got two energy systems to kind of rely on. And we can shift between both of them when the time is right, when it's needed. Again, coming back to the complete man. that's having that spectrum, knowing what tool to use at the right time. But if we only know one tool, if we only know how to use a hammer, everything's a fucking nail, right? But if we've got a whole toolbox, we can use the most effective tool for the job to get it done with the least amount of resources in the most efficient way possible. So I hope that's helpful. You've got the lesson, go action it. If you know someone that would benefit from hearing this, or you just have been enjoying the podcast, I'd love you to either share it or jump on and leave a rating so that I know that you guys are enjoying this. And it also gives me feedback as to what's resonating, what's helpful. And so I can share more stories, both personal and client, and also tips around improving that state. So don't be sorry, be better. I'll see you guys soon. Bye.