The Reason She’s Pulling Away (And Why Being ‘Nicer’ Isn’t Working) - Chasing Her Validation Made You Weak — And What to Do Instead l EP. 38 l

You’re terrified of losing her. But what if that fear is the very thing driving her away?
In this episode, I open up about the old version of me — the insecure, anxious nice guy who clung to his partner like his life depended on it.

I was checking her stories. Re-reading messages. Sending “casual” memes just to get a reply.
 All of it… just to feel some sense of control.

What I didn’t realise was this:
 👉 When your partner becomes the reason for your worth, your power, and your peace — you’ve already lost yourself.
 👉 And without self-respect, direction, and clarity — you’ll never lead the relationship, the household, or yourself.

This episode covers:

• The trap most men fall into when trying to “win her back”
• Why over-pleasing backfires (even when your intentions are good)
• The hidden reason she can’t feel your leadership anymore
• How to reclaim your edge without turning into a dick

Whether you’re in a rocky patch, feeling invisible in your relationship, or just tired of seeking validation outside yourself — this is your mirror.

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Or if you want more personalised help to step out of the nice guy & into the masculine presence you're capable of - faster,

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Find me on Instagram @theelitefather

Transcript

 Harrison Orr (00:10.947) What are you afraid of losing when nothing in this world belongs to you? Harrison Orr (00:17.709) Welcome back to another episode of the Be Better podcast. I'm your host, Harrison Orr, and I've helped almost 500 guys to maximize their potential by looking after their energy and nervous system, maximizing their presence and their power, and ultimately stepping up to their highest potential so that they can be better husbands, fathers, leaders, and business owners, and just be their best fucking self. That quote that I started with is a Marcus Aurelius quote. Let's starting again starting again Welcome back to another episode of the Be Better podcast. I am your host, Harrison Orr, and I've coached almost 500 guys to go from nice guys who beg. Harrison Orr (01:14.551) Welcome back to another episode of the Be Better podcast. I'm your host, Harrison Ohr, and I've helped almost 500 guys to have more energy, more time, more presence, more fulfilling relationships, and ultimately live with more fulfillment and purpose. And this episode is going to be about losing things which aren't yours. Because a lot of the guys I've been speaking to recently have been, the catalyst for their change has been their marriage. They are worried about losing their wife. first and foremost, and by consequence, their family, their family breaking up or losing their family and their partner's rights to their, or visitation rights, I should say, to their kids, depending on ages, right? And the quote that I started with, and that's why I wanted to start with it, because it's such a powerful quote, what are you afraid of losing when nothing in this world belongs to you? So many guys are afraid of losing their wives, like they are their property. when we make someone else, a wife especially or anyone, the catalyst for our change, it puts so much pressure onto them and there are so many unspoken contracts within that catalyst for change that it will not make it permanent. It can promise you resentment and it will come back in your face. I can promise you that because the man that changes for somebody else not for himself, is always doing it with an expectation. There's an expectation of if I change, if I become this man, if I do this thing, or if I stop doing this and do more of that and be the man that you like and the one that you want me to be, then you'll be happy, you'll love me, you'll stay with me, you'll never leave me, you'll sleep with me, you'll do all these things. But when that doesn't happen, when we eventually realize that that's not what they actually want. Our partner doesn't want us to be a yes man. Our partner doesn't want us to just be a dormant body roaming around the house as just a slave. They want our personality. They want our masculinity. They want our energy. They want our presence. They want these things that only we can provide when we know who the fuck we are. Harrison Orr (03:37.057) and where we are going. But if our existence and our change is caused and centered around, I'm doing this so she doesn't leave me, it will not last. On the flip side, changing because you recognize that if you're a better man, by default, your relationships will be better. Well, one of two things will happen actually. If you seek your highest potential, you... on a growth journey to be your best self. You want to be more masculine, more present, more powerful. You want to be able to say no, set boundaries without being a dick about it, but just be respected by everyone. You want to lead yourself first and foremost and then have those around you follow you because they can feel that pull, that magnetism that you generate by knowing who you are and where you're going. Harrison Orr (04:38.381) then that's a vastly different state to be in. And like I said, one of two things will happen in that space. Your relationship will get better beyond your comprehension because you will prove that you're a leader worth following. Your wife will be able to relax allowing you to lead. So she'll be able to lean more into her feminine and trust you that you will look after her and the family. Trust you that you will be impeccable with your word and do everything that you said you would. Most guys fail that part. But moving on. Second option is that you continue to grow and then you realize that maybe you two aren't meant for each other. I know a lot of guys throwing out the label of, my wife is so narcissistic. Cool, so are you. We are all narcissistic at moments. Labels do not help you. Again, pushing that blame to her, to other people as to they're the problem. If you've got one finger pointing at them, you've got three pointing back at you, right? So blaming other people does not serve you. And so maybe that's actually the best thing for you because if you are truly in your highest potential, you've truly grown to that mature or even divine masculine status and you are so at peace with who you are and what's meant for you and what's not meant for you, you'll be able to acknowledge that. and be accepting of that and be able to part with that. That journey, that relationship is maybe over because you don't know that that may be the best thing for you and her or for the family. Now, I'm not saying that everybody that goes on this growth journey either gets a better relationship or ends up divorced. Most people end up divorced regardless. I think it's like 60 % or something ridiculous here in Australia, the divorce rate. Harrison Orr (06:34.307) But anyway, what I wanted to share with you is a personal story because I used to be that nice guy that used to hang on to my girlfriend at the time for dear life. I used to suffocate her with niceness. We're trying to do everything for her. We're trying to please her. We're trying to just be a yes man, go out of my way to be nice and do everything for her. And then when she would go out, I was extremely anxious, jealous. insecure all the things and so I tell this story of this one time that she was out with friends and I was home alone and on my phone going from Instagram stories to Facebook stories checking who she was with going from her profile to their profile then going back to our message conversation waiting hoping to see those three little fucking dots Then going back to Instagram, having sent her a meme sneakily to see if she'd seen it or not, to know if she was on her phone, to start a conversation, to try and figure out where is she, how much does she have to drink, who is she with? And then when the plans didn't go to exactly what she told me they would go to, maybe they went to a different bar, maybe they went to a different restaurant or maybe somebody else met up with them or went against the plan. and I would lose my fricking shit and go into overthinking overdrive because I was so insecure that she was gonna get drunk, she was gonna cheat on me and that would be the end of me. Now, some of you might be laughing at this. Some of you might find parts of this relatable. This was about seven years ago that I was in this state. And I was freaking out. I was anxious. I was overwhelmed. I was all the things. And then something hit me. It dawned on me that me acting this way, Harrison Orr (08:43.275) It's probably not enticing for her to come home. she's probably not receiving these messages thinking, I can't wait to go home to my boyfriend. I can't wait to, you know, like stop drinking, leave the party, go home spend with him. Cause he's, he's so much fun right now. Harrison Orr (09:02.421) Either she would, depending on her mood, be sick of that scenario and me and my energy and just go and drink more, dance more and just not want to talk to me. Or be almost manipulated into coming home because it's not worth the drama. It's too fucking hard. Because I would somehow find a way to start a fight, start an argument. Not very healthy by any stretch of the imagination. And so, like I said, it dawned on me that she's not gonna wanna come home to that. me acting that way is actually going to propel her more towards the thing that I'm trying to avoid most. And so is this, am I creating a self fulfilling prophecy? Am I creating a scenario that's actually pushing her more closer to doing that? So that I can say, see, I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen. I knew that if you went out and got drunk and did this and did that, I knew that this was gonna happen. I was right all along and then I'm heartbroken and single again. That's a great win. Well done for calling that mate. Your life is so much better off for that. And then. Harrison Orr (10:23.307) I realized that... She is, and this was nothing to do with my partner. This was all to do with me, right? If she is gonna cheat on me, she is going to do that. whether I like it or not. If she's gonna cheat on me, if she's going to leave me, she's going to do that regardless of what I think, what I want. Certain actions I do, certain words and behaviors I exhibit might definitely push her into one direction or the other. But at the end of the day, if she's gonna leave me, there's nothing I can do about it. Harrison Orr (11:08.675) And that, mind you, I'm not painting her in a bad image at all. She is absolutely wonderful. I was the nice guy manipulator insecure man. There was nothing that gave me any suspicion of any of that at all. I just had these horrible stories running through my head. And in realizing that she's gonna do that whether I like it or not, it felt like I gained my power back. It felt like I gained this power back of, you know what? If that does happen, worst case scenario, she cheats on me, she leaves me, she's not in my life for whatever reason. I'm actually gonna be okay. Bye. Harrison Orr (11:57.473) don't need to be so protective and needy and jealous. She's with me because she wants to be. We don't live in a country or aren't subscribed to cultural views where this is an arranged marriage by any stretch. Like she is here out of her own will, free will. So she can leave at any time. And now I would much rather have a partner that knows that, or I know, and we both know, that either of us could leave at any time, but we choose not to. We are here because we want to be here. Harrison Orr (12:32.213) And so that enabled me to just relax almost instantly. Like that week, my mannerisms changed, my neediness changed, my level of perceived control changed. because I thought, if this is outside my control, I may as well just enjoy myself, enjoy the ride. And if she's gonna be around for that, then fuck yeah, I'm down for that. But if she's not, that's okay too. And that release, that acceptance. has given me so much of my power back because beforehand, like most nice guys, she held all my power. She held my balls in her pretty little purse, right? Of how much I was worth, if I was validated, if I was worthy of love, if I was a good human, if I was worthy of love and respect and all the things, she determined that. Cause I had given her that power. Harrison Orr (13:37.837) but by taking that back, by determining, you know what, I'm actually gonna be okay. I actually don't that validation from you. I actually don't need any of this in my life. I would love it if you're here, but that's not gonna break me if it's not. when we talk about, when you look at, know, let's say movies or everyone's been in an example, probably when you're younger where, you know, the bad guy or the dick gets the girls. Right? The bad guy gets all the girls. He just doesn't care. Just does whatever he wants. And the reason for that is he is putting himself first. he is not doing things to gain attention or attraction from women. He's not doing things to gain, doing things to gain their approval. Like if you've seen someone that's trying to be a bad boy, but like, you know, trying to be that stereotype in order to gain attention from, from girls, he still won't get it because his underlying energy, his underlying motive is still to get the girl, to get their approval, to get their attention, to get them to sleep with him. But the true bad guy, so to speak, just does whatever the fuck he wants. And it's that level of, know where I'm going, I know who I am, I don't need your approval type of energy that is so attractive and magnetizing, not just for women, but for people. Like you look at leaders, a true leader, and they know where they're going. They are sure of themselves. They don't need anyone else to tell them who they are. If someone says you're stupid, that's a bad idea, you'll never get there, whatever. Awesome, thank you for that feedback and that reflection, but I'm still going this way. Harrison Orr (15:32.361) And it's that which we've lost. In long-term relationships, a lot of us lose that direction because we become too accommodating to our partner because we want to please them. And I've spoken to a lot of guys recently who have had maybe rocky relationships. They've gone through a stale patch or maybe something's happened and there's the threat of them separating. And in a bid to get them back, and to stabilize the relationship, make it all, you know, honeymoon phase again. They go into pleasing mode. They go into nice guy mode. If I please her so much, if I say yes to everything, if we do everything that she wants to, the house, the cars, the holidays, the whatever she wants, then surely she would appreciate that, right? She would love me, she would stay with me, the spark would come back and everything would be amazing. I have not found a relationship where that has worked out the way that the man thinks it will. Every person I've spoke to has said, it's actually worse. I feel like I don't have respect. I feel like I'm a ghost. Like I can never understand what she's saying. Like she says words and I respond to the words, but then that's still wrong. feel like no matter what I do, it's never good enough. And so guys will bury themselves in work trying to provide more, do all the things because we're not getting it. What they're missing is not more things, not another yes. It's a man with a fucking backbone who knows where he's going, who is self-validating, who is self-confident, who is self-assured and not relying on her or anybody else to give that to Harrison Orr (17:15.575) And so that's a bit of a story that I wanted to share about my past and where I was and how anxious and overwhelmed and stressed and insecure, all the things that I was and that shift, what happened for me there. And a lot of guys, nice guys, I've definitely made plenty of these mistakes, will make the mistake of then being a dick about these changes, right? They'll go, I definitely did this, right? too far of I know my purpose, I know what I'm here to do, I'm doing this and if you don't fit into that structure or that mold, then fuck off, right? If I'm doing it my way, not a great way to do it, right? We don't wanna go that far down the bad boy path, because they don't make great stable relationships or partners or anything. There's communication, which is required. There is grace and empathy and all these other things that that come from being a full spectrum man. We have the capacity and the range of emotions and the control of those emotions to be able to feel and empathize and still lead. Harrison Orr (18:29.175) without being a dick about it. People might, if you're a dick or you're rude about it, people might follow you because they have to, maybe because you pay their bills because you're the boss or at home because you pay for everything, but they won't follow you because they want to. And there's a huge, you'll feel the difference in people that follow you because they have to versus they want to. And it starts with us knowing where we're going, why we're going there, and also being self-assured in ourselves. because that true masculine, when he needs nothing from that feminine, from his partner, is when he's able to give so much more and be in service of her from a place of abundance and full rather than lack and scarcity and just deprivation. Harrison Orr (19:21.251) So I'm gonna leave that one here for now. I hope that resonated with you in some parts. And if you know someone that would resonate with that story, please share this podcast with them. Send it to them so they know that A, that they're not alone and that B, there is a path out of those traits, out of that toxic relationship, out of all those things so that you can be the best version for yourself first and foremost, and then let your relationships and everyone else around you benefit from you just being in your highest power. So I hope that helps. Remember, don't be sorry, be better. See you next time.