When Helping Becomes Control: The Hidden Need Beneath Kindness l EP. 54 l

Nice guys don’t help because they’re selfless. They help because they’re scared—of rejection, of not being needed, of losing love. In this episode of Be Better, I break down how over-giving and unspoken expectations destroy connection, intimacy, and trust in your relationship. I speak directly to the men who keep doing more, hoping it’ll finally “be enough,” and show you why your wife pulls away, even when your actions are well-intentioned.

If you’re tired of feeling unseen, frustrated, or constantly giving with nothing in return—this conversation is for you. I’ll walk you through how to stop helping from fear, and start leading from grounded, clean energy… so your presence becomes the gift.

Whether you’re a husband, business owner, or father—this is the shift that unlocks real connection.

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Transcript

Harrison Orr (00:08.117)
Nice guys don't help because they're selfless. They help because they're scared. Scared of being rejected, scared of not being needed, and so their kindness isn't felt as generosity. It's felt as pressure.

Harrison Orr (00:24.536)
You're listening to the Be Better podcast. I'm Harrison Orr. And after coaching almost 500 men, one truth stands out. Your marriage, business and peace of mind all hinge on one thing. How grounded you are as a man. And it's my endeavor in this podcast and in my coaching to help men find that groundedness so they can evolve out of the nice guy and live as that grounded masculine presence.

In this episode, I want to take you into dispelling the belief that it's good to be nice. That if we are nice enough, we will get everything that we want. Which is the common nice guy approach to life. Which, when you think about it from a surface level...

it kind of makes sense, right? If you're nice to people, then they'll be nice to you and you'll get what you want. And we're always told as kids, treat others how you wish to be treated. So if I'm nice, they'll be nice to me, right? And then maybe you read into Robert Cialdini's...

laws of influence I believe it was and the law of reciprocity. So if I'm good and I'm nice and I'm all these things to other people then of course they will be nice to me and and the problem with this logic is it's not an eye for an eye.

It's not if I do this thing for you, you'll do it in return. It's a much deeper need that the nice guy is trying to have met from this other person that they are unable to meet themselves. It's often not just, if I help you move house, you'll help me move house. It's, well, if I do these chores and these things around the house for my wife, then she will love me more. She will give me more affection, more intimacy, will have more sex.

Harrison Orr (02:18.116)
Or if I do these things, that person will give me confidence, will give me validation, will give me love, will give me maybe even respect or status, will give me all these things that a nice guy is unable to cultivate for himself. And consequently, it comes out as this covert contract and this neediness.

We've all been in a situation with a salesperson where we've got that...

sleazy, it feeling right. There's a reason that salespeople have that bad name as being sleazy or they have commission breath because you can feel when you're interacting with one of those types of salesmen and you just feel like, man, this guy doesn't care about me. He's just wants my money. And like, even if the product or service he's selling is amazing, I don't like this person as a human because I get the ick.

versus when you've interacted with a salesperson who actually has your best interests at heart, but is not attached to an outcome. It's just leaned out, like, man, you said you XYZ, this product or service does XYZ, and man, it's totally up to you. I'm good either way.

that that leaned out energy that isn't pushy, there's no pressure, there's no like neediness in that interaction. You feel free to make your own decision in that moment. You don't feel like you're being boxed into an answer or into a decision that you don't wanna make. But ultimately that's what a lot of nice guys do with their wife because she can feel your commission breath.

Harrison Orr (04:10.786)
When you clean the house, you help with the kids and you say yes to everything, there's an invisible expectation baked into it that you're hoping she'll give you that affection, that praise, that validation, or just not to be mad to hope that it'll make her happy, it'll help her relax. And that's not leadership. That's just manipulation. And anytime your help is tied to a hidden need, it creates that pressure.

even though she may not say anything, she feels it in her body and it creates that pullback, that retraction, that seize up of, I get the ick. And eventually she starts pulling away because this energy isn't clean. There's that covert contract that's...

pressing her into something and maybe subconsciously she starts to recognize, when he does these things, when he gives me a foot rub, when he cleans up the house, when he does these extra chores, it's because he wants sex. It's because he wants something. And then she starts to see through it. And then maybe she calls you out on it. I spoke with a man a few months ago who...

had that called out to him and got very defensive, got very frustrated. And he thought he was like in his conscious mind was getting frustrated because, how dare she say that I'm just in this for intimacy and whatever else like that. But really it was his ego getting defensive because it had been called out. Like the bullshit story that he was trying to tell himself and fool his partner into believing, he got called out on.

And if you've been in that situation before, it's not fun, right? Cause you can maybe kid yourself that, no, I'm just doing this because I want to help, because I want to please her, because I want to do it for love and it makes me feel good. But then when sex gets taken off the table, there's no, not tonight. I don't feel like it or something else comes up that isn't part of your desired outcome or plan. And then you shut down.

Harrison Orr (06:16.236)
you take your offer off the table. don't worry about that. And it's That shows that con covert contract that you had in place without saying it. And this is ultimately what creates that, that friction and that distance in relationships. Because think of when you were first together.

The amount of times that you would just touch each other. Not always sexually, but just in the kitchen. You'd run your hand over their shoulders or over their low back. Or you'd kiss, lingering just that little bit longer. Or know, fun, playful wrestling or dancing. Or just this touch and movement that sometimes it went a little bit further than that. But not always.

And now there's that pressure that every time there's the hint of that, you're like, there was, I need to capture it, right? Haven't had sex in months. So there's a glimmer of this. And then it's like a spark when you're trying to light a fire. And as soon as there's a spark, you throw all your fuel onto it. And instead of nurturing and allowing it to grow into a huge flame that you can then yield, you know, and cook and play with, you've put it out, you've smothered it. And so it's gone, there's nothing left.

And that's essentially what we're doing in this space, creating this unnecessary pressure. But what would your relationship be like if you had some of those moments back? Like in the morning before you went to work, you just made out for 20, 30 seconds and then just went off to your day. What kind of mood would you be in starting your day like that? Maybe there's an extra pep in your step.

Maybe you've got a semi, maybe you've got a bit more boost and drive to go through the day. But the energy that you move through life would be, I dare say, dramatically different.

Harrison Orr (08:15.884)
And what would your relationship be like as well? Bringing that touch, that playfulness back with absolutely no pressure for anything else.

Harrison Orr (08:28.726)
And I want to share that I've definitely been in both camps here. Like I used to pride myself on being the most helpful husband, right? I wanted to make sure that I was my wife's definition of perfect. I wanted to make sure I had the best body, that I could cook the most amazing food, that I would look after everything around the house. And I was always doing more, trying to make her life as easy as possible, take everything off her plate. Because the less she had to do, then the higher likelihood or the higher likelihood that she wouldn't be stressed. She would have more energy.

and capacity for me and in my needs. Needs, mind you, that I would not communicate because I was secretly hoping that deep down I would get something back. I wouldn't have to say them but I would just get them back. She would see me doing these things and then just naturally, thank you, thank you, thank you and then how can I please you type thing. And when it doesn't happen, you get resentful.

And that's what happened to me. And that's what I realized I wasn't, I wasn't helping because I wanted to. I was trying to manipulate and control how she felt about me, trying to downplay and minimize all the, all the flaws, all the things that I hadn't owned about myself and about my actions and just stack up enough chores or brownie points or good things to make everything else go away.

And it doesn't work like that. A, she can see through that because women are incredibly intuitive and just not fucking stupid. But also, no matter how many goodwill gestures you do,

If she wants oranges and you're giving her apples, it doesn't matter how many apples you give her, it's not a fucking orange. So if she's looking for a man that is present, that can make a decision, that can lead, that can hold emotional space and chaos without collapsing, it doesn't matter how many times you've cooked dinner, how many times you've cleaned the house or picked the kids up, or even how amazing your body is. I definitely tried that route. It won't matter.

Harrison Orr (10:40.962)
And this is one of the hardest parts to learn for nice guys is because it's not, it's hard to put yourself out there and state your needs, right? Because we're afraid of rejection.

But the position that we end up putting ourself and everyone else in is a lack of safety. Because no one feels safe around a man who's pretending to not need anything. It's just false because we all have needs. Yet that's the core of Nice Guy energy. Like, look how much I do for you, but I won't say what I really want. You don't ask, you don't reveal, you just over give and hope that they miraculously can read your mind and figure it out.

The truth is everyone feels that performance and it's like an emotional debt that they didn't ask for. And the more that you suppress your need for approval, the more manipulative that niceness becomes. And then people won't reject your help. They'll take that every day of the week, but they will reject the part of you that's hiding. Like the covert contract that's under this, that what am I gonna have to do in return?

And even though your wife might often like some of the gestures that you're offering, right? She might like the massage or the back rub or anything else like that. But she starts to sense that on the back of that, he's going to want to go further. He's going to want sex. He's going to want all these things. And you know what? I've had a big week. think the kids had a horrible sleep last night. I'm not in the mood to have to do that. And so she would just say no to the massage and everything else.

which is pretty shit, I feel anyway. And so where this shift comes from, like, let me be clear, like some of the actions that you're, that we're doing as nice guys may not be drastically different from what a grounded man would do. It's the energy in which that it comes from. Like we said about the sales example, the nice guy,

Harrison Orr (12:46.394)
His form of help comes from anxiety and that fear of disapproval. It has invisible strings attached. It feels like pressure and it's about being needed. It's like, what will I get because of this? Like what will I receive that I cannot do for myself? Like the love, the validation, the approval, all the things. Yet.

And that's coming from a place of for love. It's like, I'm doing this for love, right? Yet a grounded man does things from a state of abundance, right? Not neediness, not obligation. There's no agenda or emotional contract. It's like, I've got so much.

love for myself. am self-assured. like I've created my own wealth. I don't need anything from you right now, but I've got this extra to give and I would love to give it to you. Like it's doing it from a place of love. Right.

And it's simply because it makes me feel good to do this or because I love seeing you in the state that this puts you in, whether it's relaxation or it's happiness or it's just simply helping out. I do it because I like to. And that's like full stop. of it. No, I like to. And then, you know, when you return the favor or when, you know, this happens at the end of it, it's just that's...

what fills my cup up.

Harrison Orr (14:23.936)
A visual that you can put into place, which I've shared with a few clients this week is say there's us, right? Just imagine yourself as like in your mind, just in this blank space. And then external to you is this source of your needs, right? Of your validation, of your love, of all the things that you want. And

To get to that thing, you need to do certain behaviors. You need to do chores, you need to pick up the kids, you need to make sure that the house is clean, you need to make sure that there's money coming in, all these things. And then for them to have a certain reaction, it then feeds back to you to then say, good job, you are worthy, you're enough, and you're a good boy. You are loved, you are needed, and all the things. And then that creates this loop. Now, the problem with this loop,

is there is a huge variable in how this other person will receive and respond to our actions. We have no idea how this person is going to A, receive them despite our intentions, no matter what they are. And then consequently, how they will respond to them. Even if someone values them, they may not always say thank you. They might not always return the favor or anything else like that. And so like if you can imagine a manufacturing line,

There are certain amount of steps in order to go from raw products to a finished product. Imagine putting an unnecessary step in the middle there. How much variance that creates and the chance of that fucking up the end product.

Like we've just added unnecessary risk, unnecessary materials, labor, time, energy, only to potentially fuck up the final outcome with no increased level of certainty that it will get the desired outcome or even better. That's what we're doing here. We're adding an extra step. So instead of looking external,

Harrison Orr (16:27.352)
to what do need to do in order to make this person feel like to give me that love, to give me that validation, to give me these needs and have them met. When we look inside of us, like the only place that we can truly actually control and ask how would I fulfill that for myself?

What would I need to do for myself to fill myself up with so much love and confidence and certainty and validation and all the things that I'm wanting other people to do for me so that when I'm present with someone, when I'm doing something for someone else, I can do it from a place of abundance, presence, love, gratitude, these higher vibrational states and not need a single thing in return.

Harrison Orr (17:19.726)
The feeling that you get from that and not needing anything in return is wildly different to having that covert contract and expecting something in return. And from the receiver's point of view, the level of energy that they get to experience from you, the level of...

authenticity that they get to experience of you in that moment when there's no hidden agenda, there's no neediness, there's just this pure, I did this thing because I thought you would like it or I would like to do this thing just because you'd like it and that's it. Wildly fucking different.

Now, of course, when you first try this, there's going to be some pushback, right? And you might feel like she's rejecting you. And if you get frustrated or defensive, then amazing. That means that you truly haven't owned this, right? As a sidestep, side note for this one, if you're going to try this, I highly recommend pre-framing this so that

it sets the tone because you may have made the decision, okay, I'm not going to do things without an unset expectation anymore. But people are used to the way that you behave up until now. So you might need to communicate that initially. So in your relationship, if you are looking, if you're going to give her a massage, if you're going to do something that in the past you would have been doing in, in expectations of sex or intimacy later on, pre-frame this with

I would like to give you a, would you like a massage or a foot rub, whatever it is. And just so you know, there is no sex on the table tonight. There's no pressure for anything more. I literally just want to do this. Nothing more. I promise. And now you need to hold that.

Harrison Orr (19:19.596)
She might test you and then want to go down that route afterwards. And if you give in, that's going to be proven. Okay. All I had to do was tease him and say, yes. And he gave in like that. Like this guy doesn't fucking mean shit. So you need to be honorable with your word so that you can build that proof and build that trust.

Initially, she might reject you because she's used to that version of you. But just know that she's not rejecting you. She's actually rejecting your hidden agenda because you say that you're helping, but deep down you're wanting something. So gratitude, so acknowledgments, her softness, her femininity, and she feels that. And that's why she's tense, why she pulls back.

Why she sighs when you ask, do you need anything? It's like, fuck, this guy can't do anything. What does he want now? And it's not the words, it's the energy underneath them. Because when you give with these strings, it's not a gift, it's a trap. It's a form of control or manipulation. And that's why she doesn't trust your kindness anymore. Because you're not showing up with love, you're showing up with a contract that she never agreed to. And this...

reads the huge amount of miscommunication, not just in romantic relationships, but in every area of life. When we get to the point of clearly communing, counting our needs, which means saying no to some things, setting boundaries, it actually makes life a hell of a lot easier because everybody knows where they stand with you and vice versa. And you don't have all these open tabs in your mind.

it makes life so much more peaceful and the chance of you getting what you want because you are able to say what you want is significantly higher.

Harrison Orr (21:25.038)
So to wrap this up, the answer to this isn't doing more. It's dropping these covert contracts, dropping this performance, cleaning up your energy and your intentions. So removing that commission breath and doing this from a place of love so that you can give without needing, speak without needing to manage. And when you do that, your presence alone becomes the gift because it's...

not coming from a place of what you will receive. This presence is everything that I am and everything that I can give. And your wife and your kids and the people that truly care about you will feel that. And that is something that they cannot get from anyone else on this world. And that's the man that they love. It's the version of you that they want to trust and follow and ultimately feel safe with.

Harrison Orr (22:22.575)
And so that's where we're gonna leave it for today. If you know a man that is still trying to earn love by over giving, that still uses these covert contracts, let him know that he doesn't need to be more helpful. He needs to be more honest. Share this episode with him. Let him know that he's not alone in this journey and that we're here. With that, don't be sorry, be better. I'll you guys next time. Bye.