Your Marriage Won’t Break From Fighting — It Will Break From Avoiding the Truth l EP. 57 l

In this episode of the Be Better podcast, I break down a confronting truth most high-performing Nice Guys never see clearly: you’re not afraid of conflict – you’re afraid of being wrong. Deep down, you believe that if someone sees you’re wrong, they’ll see you as unworthy. So you avoid hard conversations, swallow your truth, and tell yourself you’re “keeping the peace,” while your relationship quietly erodes underneath you.

I share a real coaching conversation with a man inside The Grounded Man Method who realised he wasn’t avoiding conflict to protect his marriage – he was avoiding it to protect his image as “the good guy.” 

We unpack how this fear of being seen as imperfect leads to gaslighting without even realising it: correcting her, “clarifying,” twisting the story to protect your intentions, and in the process completely erasing her reality. I walk you through a personal example from my own marriage where my wife felt like I was always disagreeing and fighting her, even though I thought I was just “adding perspective” – and how learning to seek her reality first, ask if she’s open to mine, and hold silence instead of defending changed everything.

If you’re a Nice Guy who avoids conflict, shuts down in hard conversations, or constantly feels misunderstood in your marriage, this episode will give you the exact frames and language to stop trying to win and start trying to understand – so you can rebuild trust, safety, and connection without abandoning yourself.

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Transcript

Harrison Orr (00:03.576)
You're not afraid of conflict, you're afraid of being wrong. Because somewhere inside you believe that if someone sees you are wrong, they'll see you as unworthy.

Harrison Orr (00:15.362)
You're listening to the Be Better podcast. I'm your host, Harrison Orr, and I help high performing nice guys to evolve out of the nice guy syndrome so they can be more grounded, present, and connected in themselves and then in their marriage.

You see, most nice guys don't avoid conflict to keep the peace. They avoid it to protect their image. The image of being the good guy, the agreeable guy, the guy who never disappoints, the guy who never does anything wrong. But reality is avoiding conflict actually destroys more relationships than conflict ever could. I used to believe that my relationship was fine.

Because we didn't fight it's like we don't scream. We don't fight We sure we have some small arguments or because here and there but no massive fights So that means that we're good right that means that we're strong and I've learned that nothing could be further from the truth

Now with everything that I've learned about communication and relationships and the nice guy traits and everything else, I would almost prefer to have a screaming match of back and forth rather than complete silence or that disconnect.

where neither partner feels safe enough to express their thoughts or their feelings because in the past maybe it has resulted in accusations or the blame game or the other person just doesn't listen. And so eventually you get to the point of like, why do I even bother? They're not listening. And that's where the real breakdown happens with a lot of relationships.

Harrison Orr (01:52.76)
and especially for nice guys, because in this space, you're not, sorry, I should say in this space, you avoid it because you're terrified of not being seen as the perfect man. And you think setting a boundary will make people think differently of you. You think being disagreed with means that you're wrong, or you think being proven wrong means you're a disappointment. So you shut down, you overthink, you perform, you people please, and it's your relationship that ultimately pays the price.

And this came to my awareness in a conversation I was having with one of the guys inside the Grounded Man Method. And in his relationship, he's been trying to be more present, be more grounded. He's noticing all of the nice guy traits playing out and he's still in that phase of awareness, but in the moment is still starting to piece together the actions to actually change the behavior. And...

He noticed from his childhood that he's seen conflict or even in his own previous relationships escalate to fighting or escalate to shouting and he said he doesn't want that.

and maybe you feel the same, right? know, like, last time I was this honest or last time, you know, there was this bit of conflict, it escalated to this, we didn't speak for days and it resulted in this or this. And then maybe you tell yourself, you know, I'll just keep the peace, it's not worth the fight, I can't be bothered or whatever other story you maybe tell yourself to just keep your lips shut and not communicate.

He would also go on to say things like, if I argue and I'm wrong, then I can't handle it. I hate letting people down. If I set a boundary, then they'll think that I'm rude or they'll think differently of me. And he got to the point where he realized it's just a wall that he couldn't break through. And this reframe, he said, really punched him in the guts in the best way possible. And I said, you're not avoiding conflict.

Harrison Orr (03:53.516)
you're avoiding the possibility that you are not perfect.

when we use the term conflict, when we use the term fight or argument or even a hard conversation, we've instantly labeled this essentially just communication, which through these labels now has a negative connotation to it. And we subconsciously then want to avoid it because that sounds bad, that sounds painful, that sounds uncomfortable. Why would I want to do that? So instead of saying,

these interactions as conflict. Let's just remove the idea of conflict because it's not conflict. It's just an exchange of information. Two experiences, two realities, two emotional truths. You share yours, she shares hers. There's no winner, there's no loser. There's no proving each other right or wrong.

And the only reason you see it as a conflict is because you're trying to one up the other person. You're trying to figure out how can I win? How can I prove I'm right? How can I prove that I'm still the good guy to keep my reality intact and completely disregarding hers? And let you in on a little, see, little tip. Disregarding her reality will do one of two things, depending on the woman that you're dealing with. One.

she will dig her heels in and fight even harder or two. She will just stop sharing shit with you because what's the point? You're not listening and you keep trying to then prove that your reality is right. And in this...

Harrison Orr (05:35.127)
I'm just trying to make her understand. I'm just trying to show her my intention. I'm just trying to explain. I'm just trying to clarify. You're not clarifying. You're gaslighting. And you don't even know that you're doing it. Because every time she shares her reality and you jump in with, that's not what happened. No, you're wrong. You're taking it wrong. You're misremembering this. That's not what happened. You think you're fixing the misunderstanding, like you're communicating better. But all she hears is your reality doesn't matter.

And what hits her is you're trying to manipulate her reality into aligning with the version of you that you wish you were, instead of the reality of how you actually showed up. And so you want her to see the man in your head, not the man that she experienced in the moment. So you correct, you defend, you twist the story all to protect your image, not the connection and not the relationship. And what does that do?

It erases her experience. It kills the emotional safety. It trains her to shut down and that you're not listening. You don't care about her or her feelings or reality. It builds resentment and it makes her stop talking entirely because she's like, he doesn't even listen. What's the point? And it's not because you're malicious or intentional about this, but because you don't let her own, don't let her have her own reality and you won't own your part in it. And now that can sting.

Most nice guys are gonna be like, I'm not a gas lighter, that's not what I do. Cool. But where do you? If you get triggered by that, you felt a, I really don't like that, but everything I'd said prior to that was hitting home? Cool. Own it.

when we acknowledge that, shit, that's what I've been doing. That's how this is making her feel. That's why this is like creating such resentment and tension.

Harrison Orr (07:30.338)
that's when the light bulb moment actually starts to hit. And then consequently we can actually do something about it. But as long as we still hold the frame of she just doesn't understand if she's just would see it my way, she wouldn't feel like that. And whatever other story you tell yourself, that is what's keeping you in this same method of communication that is ultimately not working. The frame that I gave to

to the man in the grounded man method, which really helped him solidify this level of understanding. Because when we think about this situation, like you may have heard my frame before, like when you're communicating with your partner and maybe you're overthinking, what does she need from you? Or, know, she's brought a problem to you. The framing of, you want an event or a solution?

Obviously not when she's saying this about shit that you've done, like you have to own that. But do you want to venture a solution? This simple phrasing has solved so many fights, miscommunications in my relationship, it's not even funny. And in clients too. Because especially for women, a lot of the time, they do not actually need a solution. They just want to talk about it. And so every time you then jump into this with a solution, why don't you do this? Why don't you do that? He let me do this.

and she doesn't want that. She's gonna get frustrated and come with the same thing. You're not listening, like I don't need that and you well intended are actually not listening or not feeling into what she needs. So that simple question can make a huge amount of difference. And even in this situation, I'll give you an example, a personal story. I had a moment recently with my wife and...

She has said this a few times to me. She's like, why do you always have to disagree with me? Why do you always have to fight me? And it wasn't intentional. I was kind of shocked because I was confused how that was her reality. Because she had made a comment and I had just extended it and added a different possibility. Or what about this? Or not if this happens or what about that? And it wasn't a...

Harrison Orr (09:47.725)
trying to prove her wrong, wasn't a disagreement. Like in my mind, it was just an extension of another option or another possibility, an extension of the conversation even. And that's where my mind often goes to weird tangents, but she didn't feel that way. She felt opposed, she felt shut down. And so I was like, okay, sat there in silence for a couple of seconds.

trying to then went to understand, what about this makes you feel like I'm fighting you or I'm disagreeing with you. And she kind of explained a little bit. I'm like, okay, okay. I'm starting to see how she feels this way, how she's got to this conclusion. Knowing my intentions, I don't agree, but I can see how she's got to this point. And then.

So I let her speak, I sat there thinking how do I want to handle this?

And I said, my intention is not to disagree with you, not to fight you. Are you open to hearing another perspective? And initially she said no, right? And you'll be surprised how often that actually happens.

using that same frame that we just talked about, do you want to vent or a solution? In situations like this as well, they may not be open to another perspective, right? They may not give a shit about your intention, about what you think or what you were trying to do or your reason or justification for why you did what you did or why you didn't do what you said you would do.

Harrison Orr (11:28.994)
And so if she's not open to that and you keep trying to force, well, I just need her to understand. I just needed to see my side of the story or whatever you tell yourself. She is going to get even more frustrated.

So after she said no.

I waited.

Literally didn't say anything. Didn't defend, didn't argue, didn't try to push my point even further. Just sat there, just present, in silence.

Guys, you will be amazed how powerful silence can be.

Harrison Orr (12:12.918)
in moments like this, giving each other space to actually regulate and to think will do your communication a world of good. I promise you, more times, like if you have a doubt, just shut the fuck up for a second. Just shut up.

and I promise you it will more than likely improve the communication.

Two minutes later, she goes, okay, what's your perspective? And I could tell just in that, in the tone that she said that, she was more regulated. She was more calm. She was now open to hearing what I had to share, what my intention was, and then even open to a reframe of changing the way that she received what I had to say.

And I just said, I'm not trying to argue. I'm not trying to invalidate your reality. I'm not trying to disagree with you or fight you. I love you. I'm just carrying the conversation in another direction based on how my mind works. My mind works in crazy, funny ways. And I want you to know that I love you. if there's two ways of taking anything, no, I mean it in the good way. And I said, so can you see?

how I may have intended this. She just sighed and said, okay, I can see how you meant it now.

Harrison Orr (13:50.957)
I didn't force it. I wasn't trying to prove her right or to prove her wrong. I wasn't trying to change her reality. Now all I've done is I've given space for her reality. I have allowed that without defense, without argue, without anything else. And then when she's been open and receptive to it, shared some new information.

this piece of information when they are now open and receptive to it enables her to create a much better picture of when she now receives her experiences and reality in the future. And this is a part of learning, right? Especially when it comes to our partners, there are so many things that come down to just preference, the way that we do things or the way that we like to do things. And when we can communicate that, it makes it so much easier to...

communicate on a much better level, understand each other and actually get to what's going on in these places. Because if we take it one way and we are so fixated on that's the way I took it, that's the way he meant it, that's only way that it could have come out. in that we're also assuming that our partner has ill intentions towards us, did things intentionally to be mean, to piss us off, to fight us, to do these things and...

If you have the overarching theme for your marriage that we love each other, we want the best for each other, we want to see each other happy and fruitful and abundant and all the things, then that simply does not make sense. And so when you get that agreement with chunking all the way up, I love you. I don't do things to hurt you, to upset you. If there's two ways of taking something, please know I mean it in the good way.

that framing alone will save you so many fucking arguments and misunderstandings, not just from like, from her perspective, but for you as well. If you're someone who is insecure or is anxious or has these maybe self doubt moments about your wife or anything else, if you've got that overarching theme, remind yourself of that. She probably meant it in the good way. She probably did it because she wants to help me.

Harrison Orr (16:17.198)
because she wants to see the best in me. She wants to see me win. She wants to see me live up to my potential because that's why she loves me.

Harrison Orr (16:29.974)
And when we boil this down to stop trying to win and trying to understand our partner, the shift in your align literally can save your marriage. Because when you seek to understand their reality first, you stop defending, you stop reacting, you stop needing to be right. And ironically, that's the moment that they actually become open to yours. Because they realize, he's not trying to fight me anymore. Okay.

He's allowed me to have my reality and now maybe I'm curious as to what his reality was or is. And that exchange enables us to build a much more well-rounded reality for ourself, just selfishly. Because I'm sure you've heard the saying, there's her truth, my truth, and then the reality, right? The in-between. When we can recognize that our truth is not the truth,

It opens us up to more information. We start to let go of that framing so tightly that we get triggered and upset when everyone, when people don't agree with it and we're open to, okay, that's so interesting. Like, tell me how, how you got there. Like what exactly made you feel that way? And like that childlike curiosity helps you to then step into understanding their world. And then maybe even you can take a couple of core nuggets out of that and help to.

adjust the way that you see reality. And so now instead of just this narrow vision in front of you of how you perceive things, you've now expanded your view by a couple of degrees. And then eventually a couple more and a couple more and a couple more until you have a much wider view of reality and experiences. Which in my perspective is the idea of growth. To be able to see more.

options of reality and ultimately choose the one that aligns with us. Sure, there's a way that I could take that, that she's just a nagging bitch. She just wanted to be mean. She just wanted to belittle me. She just wanted to put me down. And another thing I do is good enough and you're going to this self rant tangent.

Harrison Orr (18:37.804)
Or I can see the other side that, you know, maybe she's carrying a lot on her plate. She's just stressed and just was an off-handed comment. She didn't mean it. Maybe she's just, she can see how good I could be at these things, but I'm not living up to my own potential. And she's just a mirror of that for me. Same situation, different perspective. Life is all about mental gymnastics.

and we play it already. We already play the mental gymnastics of the story that we tell ourselves to affirm our beliefs, affirm our actions and affirm why we believe in the direction we're going and who we are. Why not use that same mental gymnastics to change the way that you view things that align more with taking action, becoming the man you want to be and actually seeing things in a way that enable you to grow and move forward instead of staying as a victim and in the same situation.

Harrison Orr (19:36.238)
So here's a few.

Harrison Orr (19:43.299)
Got to wrap this up. Wait.

Now to wrap this up, in communication with your partner, you don't need to win these arguments. It's not about winning, proving your rights, just proving your understanding or your intentions, whatever it is. You need to stop abandoning yourself in these conversations and stop seeing them as conflict and arguments and fights. They are simply exchange of information, exchange of emotions of reality. Yes, sometimes they are heavier than others. Yes, sometimes there is more emotion involved, but that's where being a grounded man and able to hold your frame.

Stay present, stay grounded in this moment and actually discern between, okay, this is their person, that person's reality. Let's hear it. I want to understand your reality. Without defense, without interjection, without anything else. Amazing, I can see how you got there. Then are you open to another perspective? Maybe it's no. Okay, beautiful. I can hold that for you.

I can hold this space for you to have that reality. If it's a yes, amazing.

agree on the macro that we love each other. want the best for each other. Chunk it down. This is, I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you feel like this, whatever it is. This is, this is my intention. Now we're starting to get a more rounded picture and effective communication because now in this one interaction, you've now tied the bow of gone full circle of coming back together and understanding rather than bickering, escalating. ends with fine, whatever you're not listening and then separating.

Harrison Orr (21:20.848)
And then the likelihood of most guys coming back to that conversation to actually get to the nitty gritty of like where the misunderstanding is or whatever the issue is, is very little. Most people just sweep that shit under the rug. And that's why they have this mountain of shit under that rug that they can't even see the other person they're in a relationship with around it. And that is what kills a relationship more than any amount of peace or anything else is avoiding the shit under the rug. So with that,

Don't be sorry, be better and I'll see you guys next time. Bye.