You're Killing Desire, Connection, and Masculine Confidence By Avoiding This One Thing l EP. 58 l

In this episode of the Be Better podcast, I talk about one of the most confronting truths for married men: you’re not losing intimacy because your wife doesn’t desire you – you’re losing intimacy because you’re too scared to ask what’s actually going on.

After coaching almost 500 men out of Nice Guy syndrome and into grounded, present, connected masculinity, I see the same pattern: instead of asking direct questions, men guess, overthink, double down on being “nice,” and quietly resent their wife when the sex and connection dry up. I share a real situation from my own marriage where every time I tried to initiate in bed, my wife would pull away. My ego spiralled: Is she not attracted to me? Is this our future? The breakthrough only came when I finally faced the discomfort and asked her directly what was going on.

In this episode, I walk you through the exact conversation, the ego sting that followed, and the simple but powerful shift from taking it personally to understanding it as a matter of preference and communication, not worth or desirability. You’ll learn how to have these conversations without blame, how to ask your partner what she actually wants, how to clearly express your own needs (including sex, not hiding behind the word “intimacy”), and how direct, grounded communication can instantly reduce anxiety, rebuild desire, and deepen connection in your marriage.

If you’ve been silently suffering, feeling rejected, or stuck in your head about why your sex life isn’t where you want it to be, this episode will give you the language, structure, and courage to finally talk about it like a grounded man.

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Transcript

Harrison Orr (00:02.584)
You're not losing intimacy because your wife doesn't desire you. You're losing intimacy because you're too scared to ask what's actually going on.

Harrison Orr (00:13.614)
You're listening to the Be Better podcast. I am Harrison Orr and I've coached almost 500 guys to evolve out of the nice guy syndrome and into grounded, present, connected men in themselves and in their marriage. You see, nice guys will burn their marriage to the ground before they ask a direct question. They don't communicate, they guess. They don't express what they need, they suppress it. And they don't ask about preferences, they simply assume. And that avoidance is silently destroying your marriage.

problem with nice guys, one of the typical traits of a nice guy is when something is not working, he's not getting the sex that he wants, he's not getting the intimacy that he wants, he's not getting the connection, he's not getting the love that he wants or the end result, instead of realizing, this is not working, maybe I should find out why or change my approach,

he will double down on being nicer, will double down on doing more chores, helping out more with the kids, taking on more load, doing more, more, never stopping to ask, is that the reason that his efforts are not being rewarded the way that he wants and not getting the result that he wants?

And these are the consequences if you avoid this direct level of communication, if you keep avoiding or you keep actually doubling down on being the nice guy and the same shit that if we're being honest, is clearly not working. Your intimacy dries up.

She starts to pull away, just physically, but emotionally. You end up stuck, retreated in your head, spiraling out of control. You feel unwanted, undesired. She feels unseen and unheard. Your confidence goes down into the ground because you're wondering, is it something that you're doing wrong? What is it? Is she checked out? Is she having an affair? Sex becomes inconsistent or even just non-existent. And then the connection dies slowly through this lack of understanding, this lack

Harrison Orr (02:16.772)
of communication. And that's why most marriages don't fall apart because of fights. They fall apart because no one asks the hard questions. It's not your wife. It's not the feminist job to ask hard questions. It's the masculine's. It's your job to lead those conversations from a grounded and present place.

Harrison Orr (02:40.738)
because your sex life isn't dying because she doesn't want you. It's dying because you won't ask her what she actually wants. You'd rather live in your head and keep trying and saying, I'm doing everything I can, than simply face a truth that could change literally everything. Now, I experienced this a few months ago where I realized that every time I was trying to...

initiate intimacy in the bed. I was starting to like be affectionate to give her attention to try and get her in the mood and I would feel her pull away. She would tighten up, she'd recoil, she'd turn away, just absolutely shut down and there was no warmth, no softness, no nothing. And

If you've been in that situation, that fucking hurts. hits your ego, your masculinity, your confidence. And sure, I try to give a benefit of doubt to make up excuses like, oh, she's tired, she's stressed, she's overstimulated, overwhelmed. And then eventually it's maybe she's not attracted to me anymore. Maybe she's just not in the mood anymore. Then is this what the rest of our marriage is going to be like? Is this what the rest of our life is going to be like? Like you start to go, go down pretty far, right? And

I just kept guessing what it was and never actually stopped to ask what was going on. Never actually stopped to check in and get to the root of why she was like feeling this way, why she was recoiling, was it something I was doing? Was it just, she's not in the mood or what was the actual issue? And I realized I was guessing because I was actually too scared to ask.

And I was scared to ask because I didn't want my ego to be bruised. And every man knows this feeling because you want the sex, you want the intimacy, but you don't want rejection. You don't want to face that brutal truth that you may find on the other side of that question. So instead you stay silent and you hope things will just magically improve. She'll just wake up with the libido of the honeymoon phase that you guys ruin once upon a time, but it won't happen like that.

Harrison Orr (04:51.022)
And so eventually I reached a point where I couldn't keep pretending. I was like, cool, I'm better than this. I have a better level of communication. I can face more truth than this. Let's get to it. So I sat it down. I said, hey, I'm feeling really, really shut down with this. Every time I try to initiate, I feel you pull away. Like I literally feel you resist and I don't know what it is. Like, is it something I'm doing wrong?

And without even a second thought, she's like, yes. And as you can imagine, okay, a little bit of shock. There was no loop to that one. I was like, Hmm. Okay, so it is me. That hurts a little bit. And then she could feel me sitting there, regulating, trying to process, okay, what do I ask next? And where do I go with this? And then she said,

It's the way you're initiating is annoying. It doesn't turn me on and it doesn't feel playful. It actually irritates me. And I'm like, that stung. That one fucking hurt. But the moment she said it, was like, okay, that hurts. But it's the way that I'm doing something.

It's got nothing to do with me as her husband as a man that she's not attracted to me. It's just the way that I'm doing this. And because it wasn't that I'm undesirable, wasn't that I'm not enough, wasn't that she didn't want me, it was literally, do not like the way you were doing this, do it differently. And I think so many miscommunications and situations like this in marriage ultimately come down to preference.

Literally, I prefer it done this way. I do not prefer it done this way. And now it doesn't just have to be in the bedroom. This can be in the way that you greet each other when you get home from work. The way that you all like move through the house in the morning or do certain things around the house. Like if you get home from work and the first thing that she wants to do is run up and give you a big cuddle, give you all this attention, talk to you, da da da da da. And it's a lot and...

Harrison Orr (07:09.868)
You prefer to have five, 10 minutes to yourself when you walk in. So I just prefer to get unchanged, have a quick shower and then I can relax, I can be fully home. Unless you communicate that and you get home, you get cold to her reception, like, fuck, I can't handle this energy right now, I just wanna go have a shower. She's gonna feel.

what I thought she's gonna feel you recall, she's gonna feel you pull away. Eventually, she's just going to not greet you that way. So you're not going to get that love and attention. And there's going to be no meeting in the middle of meeting those needs and those preferences.

Now the double-edged sword here for nice guys is A, when things don't work, we double down on what is not working. So when we're the giver of these things, and that's why we end up in these places of resentment, of disconnection and miscommunication. But then on the other side of the receiving end of having our needs or our preferences, most nice guys will struggle to communicate those because it's like, I...

I need to have a good enough reason that I don't like the way that she does this. She's gonna get upset. It's gonna hurt her feelings. She's gonna take it the wrong way or whatever other story you tell yourself about why you shouldn't be direct and...

calm, most importantly, in communicating directly both the needs and getting to the understanding. Because most guys will confuse it thinking that direct communication is confrontation. But it's not. It's clarity. And clarity is what enables that desire and that connection. Because your wife can't respond to what you don't say. She can't needs that you haven't expressed or she doesn't even know exist. And they can't tell you her preferences if you

Harrison Orr (08:59.2)
ask and they can't relax with the men who are scared of the truth who keeps doing the same shit was clearly not working and doesn't have the balls to say hey this is not working why is it not working is it something that I'm doing is it's like what is the the block here so we can work through this together I know a lot of guys a lot of people will start to point the blame game I do this she doesn't do that and like she's never in the mood putting it onto her

can ask what's going on? How can we help? Is this something that you want to change? Is this a problem for you even? Simply communicating what does your dream sex life look like? Go and ask your partner that. What does a perfect sex life for us look like in your mind?

what level of frequency do we do it? What's the adventurous, the spontaneity versus the deep, slow connection type, like the style, like what does that look like to you? That will give you a much better understanding of like if you're wanting to improve this area of your life and your marriage, what you're at least striving for.

And for guys just saying like, I just want it every day or as much as possible. Okay. Recognize why is that a thing? What are you getting from that? And also own your language in this. Own your needs. I believe, this is my belief that a lot of men will use the term intimacy as a softer way to say, I want more sex.

When you look up the dictionary definition of intimacy, it is simply closeness. It has nothing to do with sexual relations. Nothing to do with it. Because you can be intimate with many things without any sexual nature. And so, next time you're speaking about this topic or your needs, be direct in what you want to ask for.

Harrison Orr (11:12.832)
If you truly mean intimacy, like I just don't feel intimate or close with you, know that you are talking about just closeness and connection. You're not talking about sex. If you are specifically desiring or wanting more sex or asking about that, use the right words so there is no miscommunication. So you are nice and direct and everyone knows exactly what the other person means. So here's how you can actually put this into practice.

So the first step, like always with effective communication, you have to regulate yourself first.

You can't communicate from reactivity, from frustration, from desperation, because it just will not work. It'll come off as needy. You'll make comments that are not helpful or not constructive. And you'll come from an emotional place as opposed to an understanding. And when we're in that emotional place is when we like to maybe protect our ego or play the blame game or a myriad of other unconstructive paths.

So you've regulated yourself. Second piece is to lead with your experience, not an accusation. This means starting with I statements. I feel this, when this happens, I feel this way. If you come into, you always reject me. You never initiate you, you, you blaming. That is a guaranteed way to have her shut up.

like to, to retreat, to put her walls up, to actually disassociate and just feel like she's being blamed and it's all her fault and it's, she is the problem. Not constructive. We're not playing the blame game here again. We're seeking to understand because this should be a joint goal. Like this should be a joint connection. A simple way to open this conversation was like, Hey, how do you feel about our sex life at the moment? If she says, yeah, it's great. I love it.

Harrison Orr (13:13.77)
Okay, that's a separate conversation. But if she's like, you know what, I would like this or I'd like that a little bit more on this frequency or this type or this type of connection or whatever it is, amazing. We've got this agreement, then we can work down as to what that actually looks like in terms of implementation. Now, after you've expressed your feelings and your reality, be direct, but grounded. Is it something I'm doing wrong?

Is there a way that you would prefer I do it different? I do more of this, I do less of that. What is your preference for how this would happen? Now,

What she says might sting your ego like it did for me. It might hurt.

breathe. Shut the fuck up. Listen to what she has to say. Listen to what she wants in her perspective.

and then allow your ego to sit this one out.

Harrison Orr (14:18.828)
Now, if she hasn't already given you, be then director, okay? What are your preferences? How would you like me to initiate? Would you like me to initiate with words, with teasing and soft play like that, with physical touch, with playfulness, with tickling, play wrestling, things like that? What feels good for you? What turns you on and gets you in the mood?

so that I know what works for you. And then a big one, what kills the mood for you? And this may not be absolutely anything to do with the bedroom. A lot of women through many, many men, both mentors, other coaches and people in this space that I've spoken to,

have acknowledged that a lot of women, especially ones that are very organized and like to be clean, will not be able to relax enough to allow you to turn them on if the house is a mess. If they come home and there's shit everywhere, there's dirty dishes in the sink, there's stuff all over the bench, like the bed's not made, stuff is everywhere, the chance of them being able to relax and be present with you, pretty fucking slim.

I'm not saying you need to turn into a maid and everything else, but know what some of these maybe prerequisites are to be able to relax. In the same way that there's probably certain prerequisites that enable you to relax and want to be present and things like that.

And so either make sure that it's done by someone in the house earlier in the day, if you've got the resources, get it made or cleaner, whoever it is to look after this kind of stuff. But the point we're making here is know what kills the mood. Because when you know what kills the mood, you know what to avoid. And there's a chance, there's a chance, sorry, that there's probably some things on that list that you've been doing that she fucking hates. So try not to do them.

Harrison Orr (16:22.722)
Now make adjustments with zero resentment and expectation. A common nice guy mistake in this area is then creating essentially a checklist of what she has just said and then going and doing it. And then if it doesn't result in sex, getting frustrated, getting resentful and I did everything you asked, like I made sure the house was clean. I did this, I did that. Like what now?

You've just pushed her further and further away and re-emphasized that everything you do is because you want something in return and it's to get her into bed, to get something from her because you simply will not do something because it makes her feel good, because it makes her happy, because you love her.

Harrison Orr (17:14.53)
So when you're using these things, put them into practice from the position of, know my wife prefers this, I know she likes it this way, so I'm gonna do it because I love my wife. If it escalates more than that, amazing, but that is not an expectation.

Harrison Orr (17:36.396)
And in this same breath, as she has communicated her preferences to you, now communicate yours. Be direct.

things that aren't being received by you the way that you think she probably intends them to. And you know the things, maybe it's like I said, maybe it's the way she greets you, maybe it's messages she sends you, maybe it's another way that maybe she tries to initiate or whatever it is. Communicate yours.

and try to have a balanced list in this. So it's not, this annoys me when you do this, I don't like you do this. When we understand, okay, this is what she's trying to get from this activity. Hey, I really prefer that it not be done like that. I'd much prefer this way. Do you think you could accommodate that? Amazing, right?

That's what marriage is and people might say, I have to change for this person, put all this effort in and... Dude, you're fucking married to this person. You can't do a couple of things because that's their preference, that's the way they like things done.

Harrison Orr (18:52.652)
Now, when you actually learn to communicate with this directness, both in terms of problems in the home and your needs, you start to get instant clarity on...

the miscommunications, why some things aren't received the way that they intended from both parties. You start to reduce anxiety, you start to reduce the guesswork in your relationship. And because you've opened this line of direct communication on preferences and everything else, you start to build the trust, the safety and the desire again, because you're not having to fuck around and find out, you've actually given each other the blueprint as to how you operate and what you prefer. And then you can deepen the connection.

efforts can be received the way that they are intended instead of putting things into practice and then, well I did this because I thought she would like it and she fucking hated it and then no one feels seen or taken care of or anything. So just remember that your mind, your wife is not a mind reader and neither are you.

So stop doing the shit that you know isn't working. Go and ask her and then communicate your needs. This silence and doing shit the same way that's clearly not working is what's killing your connection and creating more of a distance in your relationship. So ask the question, speak the truth, say what you need and then watch your relationship transform. It will be an absolute game changer if you put this into place coming from a calm, grounded state.

So with that, don't be sorry, be better. Take action on one of these things today, this week, and watch not only your understanding, but your connection and your relationship literally flick like a light switch. See you next time, bye.