Why Nice Guys Struggle to Make Decisions (And How It’s Killing Attraction in Their Marriage) l EP. 63 l

 If you’re a nice guy, one of the most damaging habits you’ve built isn’t obvious — it’s your fear of making decisions. 

Not the big ones like marriage or business. The small, daily ones where you say “I don’t mind,” “up to you,” “whatever you want.”
Those moments don’t feel dangerous — but over time, they quietly destroy polarity, trust, and respect in your marriage. 

In this episode, I break down why indecision isn’t neutrality — it’s avoidance.
 Why constantly handing decisions to your partner trains her to lead while you shrink back.
 And why your fear of getting it wrong is actually rooted in a deeper belief about your worth. 

I share how Nice Guy conditioning wires men to avoid decisiveness, how decision-making is tied to masculine identity, and why staying “open” and non-committal keeps you stuck, overwhelmed, and disconnected. 

We’ll also reframe decisions as learning, not life-or-death judgments — and I’ll give you a simple framework to start acting as the man you’re becoming now, not someday after you “fix” yourself. 

If you want more confidence, more respect, and more trust in your marriage — it starts with this. 

Want short impactful emails to help you shift & evolve delivered right to your inbox? 

Join the 90 sec email club HERE

Looking to fast track your growth with personalised support or a guided system to help you evolve out of the nice guy, rebuild your energy, presence, intimacy & become the grounded masculine man you are capable of, apply below. 

Apply HERE 

Transcript

Harrison Orr (00:00.63)
If you're a nice guy and only do one thing in 2026, make it this. It will be the scariest thing that you do, but also the most freeing.

You're listening to the Be Better podcast. I am Harrison Orr and I help men to evolve out of a nice guy into grounded masculine men so that they can lead themselves and their relationships. You know, one of the most common traits of being a nice guy and maybe if you're not a nice guy, you probably experienced this and that is the fear of making a decision. And now you probably haven't articulated it in such a way like, I'm afraid of making a decision, right? Unless the big

decisions like who you marry, the house that you buy, or a big business decision. But when it boils down to the little things, the little things that we say, I don't know, I don't care, I don't mind, up to you, there is fear behind all of those. What we are doing in that situation and why this is so critical to...

evolving out of the nice guy. And it's so crucial in addressing when it comes to improving your marriage is because every time you do that, you are giving back the decisiveness and the leadership to your partner.

who if she is a feminine woman is going to want you to be leading. And you're now asking her to step into her masculine and lead because you are incapable, because you're afraid of getting it wrong, because of whatever other deep seated issue there is. And that is going to destroy the polarity. That's why there's no trust, why there's no safety, there's no respect. And it's not your fault.

Harrison Orr (01:44.928)
If you were raised as a nice guy, you were raised to put everybody else first. You were raised to people please. And it can seem like logic, right? If I give everybody else what they want, if they get to have their way, if I say yes to everything, then how can they not be happy? How can they not love me? How can that not make everybody else's life easier? And I was that way for years, for most of my life. But now looking back, I can see how frustrating that would be.

just in, not even in relational conversations, but think about this. Like imagine if you say to your mate, hey man, you wanna catch up over the weekend, you wanna go get something to eat. And he's like, yeah man, sounds good. All right, sweet, where do you wanna go? And he responds with, I don't mind man, up to you. And then.

It's not very helpful in conversation. It's not very constructive. It's actually gets stuck to being annoying because you're like, I don't mind. What about this? I don't care. What do you feel like? We go back and forth because no one's, no one, everybody's afraid to make a decision. It's very ineffective and it starts to get very frustrating, right? Especially once you start to grow out of this and you start to see what that trait is for really what it is, it gets, gets irritating.

And it can be scary, right? Because when we make a decision, when we draw a line in the sand, it exposes us potentially to getting it wrong, to being rejected, to our wife or someone saying, I don't want to do that on the weekend. I don't like that idea. I don't want to.

Now the nice guy response to that is to take it personally. And I think for me, for so long, that's why I was so afraid of making a decision because I would take everything personally. I would extrapolate that she doesn't want to have this for dinner, she doesn't want to go to this place as to she doesn't want to go on a date with me, she doesn't want to spend time with me, she doesn't want to do this. So it's about me that she's saying no. Instead of it's just Thai food she doesn't want.

Harrison Orr (03:55.811)
and we just simple fix this like, well, would you like sushi? yeah, that'd be fucking awesome. Let's go. I know it sounds silly when we phrase it like that, but that's often the actual issue. It's nothing to do with us. It's just that decision. And so when we can start to learn to separate this, it becomes much less scary. Because underneath that as well is.

an assumption of what does this say about me if I get this wrong, if I make a decision, if I put myself out there and I get rejected, if someone says no, if it doesn't work, if it's a flop of an idea, what does that say about me as a man? And trace that down long enough and you'll get to the point of I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy is the root of most of those.

And I hope just in phrasing it that way, I hope you're starting to see the amount of assumptions that we need to make, the amount of stories that we need to tell ourselves to get to that root cause, to get to that justification when it's not that way at all. And so I want to help you learn to make decisions.

from a place of confidence and learning and reframing this in this episode so that in 2026, you can start making more decisions.

And now when we look at the word to decide, of decision is to decide, right? And the etymology or the origin of decide is Latin, which means di catere, which you break that down. Di means off, catere means cut. So to cut off, to cut off other options, to cut off, right? When you propose to someone, you get married, you decide who you're spending your life with. You cut off all the other possibilities.

Harrison Orr (05:56.417)
and that feels scary for a lot of people because they like to keep their options open but if you've ever been to a restaurant and the menu is 10 20 pages long it gets overwhelming

You look at, well, that sounds good, this sounds good, or like, yeah, it's kind of all right, but there's nothing here. And instead of taking two minutes to decide, you're now sitting there for 20 minutes and maybe you just end up ordering, sure, I'll just have what she's having. So more options doesn't always equal a better outcome. Often ends up in overwhelm or for most people, inaction.

There's so many options, there's so many things I could do, so they stay stuck. And whilst that might feel like they're not making a decision, it actually is a decision. Like staying in the same spot, not making a decision is a decision. The only problem is in their mind, it's still an open loop. We haven't said, I'm making this decision and then I can close that tab and move on.

See for me personally, that's one of the biggest costs of not making a decision or of inaction is all the open tabs in my mind of, yeah, I need to do this or I said I would do that or I should do this. And like all these things come up because I haven't decided, am I going to do that? Yes or no? If it's no, beautiful, it out of my head. If it's a yes.

when and what timeline, is it a now thing, is it a next week thing, is it a next month, next year thing, to put a note for later when I've got more capacity and whatever is required for it. But there still is the decision to make and then I can revisit at the appropriate timeline. But coming back to the fear of making the decision, especially when it comes to marriage.

Harrison Orr (07:56.867)
when it comes to your relationship, because that's where most of this shows up for a lot of guys. They're afraid to get it wrong.

You may have heard the analogy, the story of the pottery class, but if you haven't, here it is. A pottery class, they were split into two groups and they had different assignments over the semester. Or they were given the same assignment, but different protocols. The goal was to make the best possible pot that they could in this semester. Group one were told, you need to make as

many pots as you possibly can. Just bang them out as many as you possibly can in this semester. Group two, we're told you are to make one pot but make it the absolute best pot you possibly can. You've got all this time, you only need to make one but make it the best one that you can. Which group do you think made the best pot?

wasn't the one that only made one, it was the one that made as many as they possibly could. Because through that volume, through that repetition came learning, came iterations, came, okay, that's not enough here, too much here, do this next time, don't do that next time. And you learn and you keep growing and you grow faster. So as you go, you learn to make better decisions, you learn to execute better.

when we are so caught up on getting it right the first time, this has to be the thing, the one, the best possible thing right now, we overwhelm ourselves, we stress ourselves out. And then if we do make a final decision and it doesn't go right, because we put so much emphasis on this one thing, we take it personally. You get frustrated, you get annoyed, and then you throw your hands in the air, I don't know why I bother, I shouldn't do this, and just regress and go back into not making a decision and relinquishing that power.

Harrison Orr (09:56.151)
So instead of seeing decision-making as right or wrong, death or stardom, failure or success, like these massive weights that we put on ourselves, these massive pressures and expectations, see it as a learning curve. Try it out, try making a decision at the time and see first of all how you feel, like initially it's gonna feel.

anxiety inducing and you're feel like I'm underprepared, I shouldn't have said, yeah, I shouldn't have done all these things. Cool, amazing. Follow through with it. See what you learn. See what happens when you fail forward as people term it, right? You you stumble forward, you keep learning and making iterations. And then see where you come up. See how much easier some of those decisions.

you're able to make when you're not putting so much pressure on this has to be the one. Because especially for nice guys, the filter isn't is it right or wrong? It's often will she like it? Will it make her happy? Will this get me enough brownie points for her to wanna have sex with me? Will this get her in the mood? Like there's all these other covert contracts or agendas that come with what the decision needs to be made.

Harrison Orr (11:24.354)
So another framework, a framework I should say, for making decisions. We're all striving, if you listen to this, you're striving to be a better man in some capacity. And I hope you know, especially listening to the last episode, what that particular man looks like. Not physically, but the traits that he has, how he shows up, how he conducts himself, and everything that comes with that.

a super, super easy frame when you're stuck with making a decision or you're faced with a decision, I should say. And this goes for any area of in life, right? Whether it's how you invest in yourself, the decision that you make in your marriage, how you show up in your business, how you show up for your kids is what would the man that I'm becoming do? Like if I could just click my fingers and I am him, he is me right now in this moment, what would he do?

Would he say, no thank you, close the tab, move on? Would he say, yes, take action on it and go and execute it right now? Or would he just go with the flow? Like, not go with the flow, as in like, you know, whatever you want, up to you. But, okay, this is what needs to be done, stepping into it doing this. This is what we're gonna do on the weekend. Baby, ready for 7 p.m., we're going out to this restaurant for our favorite date night. Kids are looked after, they're at Nan and Pa's, da da da. Cool, done. Planned, close tab, move on.

That's how you become that man. You don't become that man by thinking about it, by writing it down, by strategizing it, by consuming more information. You become it, become him, by acting as him.

Every day we're given opportunities to show up as that man. Who you show up the most as is who you are, who you become. And that makes it a hell of a lot easier because most men put this version of themselves, their highest potential, them 2.0, however you wanna phrase him, on the other side of a certain achievement.

Harrison Orr (13:31.183)
I'll become that man once I hit my first mill. I'll become that man once I've got all the freedom in the world, only working two, three days a week and I can spend all this time with my family and my wife. I will become that man once I'm insert achievement here. But becoming that man is an inside job. That is the most.

the most beautiful element of this work is it's not determined by external factors. It's not determined by how your wife responds. It's not determined by how much money you make. It's not determined by the markets, by the seasons, by your kids, by anybody else other than you.

And every single day, every single moment, you get to decide who you show up as, how you show up, how you behave, how you handle situations. And that can change as fast as you like it to, or as slow as you like it to. I was listening to a Alex Formose podcast the other day, and he was talking about the difference between learning and intellect. Some people can learn things faster than others.

And if we decide learning, he defines learning, I should say, as stimulus and change of behavior. So how many times do you need to be exposed to the same, same...

stimulus before you change your behavior. How many times have you had the same argument with your wife? How many times have you justified or explained yourself or zoned out before you change your behavior? That's your rate of learning. So some people can pick it up faster in terms of it takes them one or two changes, like one or two of those experiences of those stimulus. Now, once they understand what they need to change before they're able to

Harrison Orr (15:22.23)
present before they're able to listen and not respond to based on the justifications or anything else right but other people that don't have that speed are able to learn just as fast if not faster by creating those stimuluses more often so the example that he uses it was tests right actually no let me think for a second because I will

make it more applicable to this. Okay, it's how you show up at home, right? If how you speak to your wife, right? If at the moment, every time you engage with your wife or your kids, you're not present, right? You are disconnected, you're thinking about work, you're stressed out, you're defensive, whatever the thing is. And...

That's your pattern. And you maybe interact with them intentionally, maybe twice a day. So over the week, you've got 14 interactions. That's your set rate. Now, if you wanted to speed that up, you can engage with them more often.

spend more time engaging with your kids and your wife instead of once at morning and once at night engage with them two, three times in the morning, then two or three times at night. Maybe once even during the day, if that works out for schedules and whatever else. And every time you get to show up with that new grounded man energy, with that presence, we're seeking to understand as opposed to justifying or explaining. You get a chance to, you if there is a piece of tension or conflict instead of waiting till

it subsides and then naturally comes back up again in the form of arguments or attention, actually being able to bring it back up and handle it because you're being proactive in this space. So the more that you can be proactive in these areas, the faster you get to learn, the faster you get to implement these things because you're intentional about it, because you're deciding that this is the man that you are becoming and you see these as opportunities. You don't just wait, kick back and wait.

Harrison Orr (17:34.819)
That's one of the reasons why I personally love coaching husbands and fathers so much more than single men without kids, purely because of that feedback loop, right?

You can go through all the self work with both guys, obviously. But if you've got one guy that just goes to work and comes home, he doesn't interact with his kids, doesn't interact, doesn't have a wife or anything like that, then there's not this multiple times a day opportunities or feedback loops to test how grounded you were. How present were you? How did you handle that piece of conflict? How did you handle that emotion? What can happen in a week for

or a married guy with kids can take months to be exposed to those same levels of stress or conflict or conversation for a single guy. And so if you are a married guy with kids who maybe you see them as a hindrance, like, I don't have time or it's so hard because of whatever other story you tell yourself, try that reframe. Like.

I get so many opportunities to be tested as to how grounded I am, how much I've grown, how am I handling these conversations differently because there's so much faster of a feedback loop. Again, you get to decide the frame that you see this through. You cut off all the frames that don't serve you and decide on the one that does.

So to get closer on wrapping this up, all the things, actually I'll give you something actionable. All the things in your head right now, all the things that you're thinking about, all the things that you need to decide on that are still up in the air. Maybe it's the things that you would say you do, but you haven't done, or you're thinking about doing something this year. You're thinking about making this change for yourself, for your marriage or making these changes. You're thinking about the man that you want to become.

Harrison Orr (19:33.432)
This is your opportunity. This is my invitation to you to decide. Decide right now. Are you going to do those things or not? Like genuinely. And by, don't mean just decide like, yeah, I'm gonna do them. Cool, when are you gonna take action on them? Right now? Today?

recognize that it's not up to anybody else. It's totally up to you. There's no pressure to do things. There's no pressure to not do things. It is 100 % up to you, but it's torturing yourself to want these things, to say that you're gonna do them, and to not.

And that's why I absolutely love James Clear's quote on this. And he says, it doesn't make sense to continue wanting something if you're not willing to do what it takes to get it. If you don't want to live the lifestyle, then release yourself from the desire. To crave the result but not the process is to guarantee disappointment.

Let that sink in. How many years, how many months have you been telling yourself that you want to make this change? You want to stop being a nice guy? You want to have a better marriage? You want to be a better husband, a better father? You want to do these things, but haven't take action. You've had opportunities, but said no to keep yourself safe. But there's still that desire. And ultimately that frustration, that disappointment in yourself is breeding.

So release yourself of that. Decide, yes, this is what I want, this is who I'm becoming, and this is what I'm gonna do about it, and go and fucking do it. Or, no, that sounds great in theory and in fantasy, but I don't really wanna do that work. I don't wanna change.

Harrison Orr (21:37.593)
there is no issues either way, this is your life, but for your own mental health and your own sake, make a decision. So with that, don't be sorry, be better, make a decision and I'll see you soon.