Stop Avoiding Conflict Like a Nice Guy (Handle It Like a Grounded Man) l EP. 64 l

Most men don’t avoid conflict because they’re weak.
 They avoid it because they don’t know how to stay grounded when emotions rise.

In this episode, I break down the critical difference between nice guy avoidance and grounded masculine leadership—and why swinging the pendulum toward “confront everything” is just as destructive.

Nice guys suppress their needs, justify, over-explain, or shut down to keep the peace.
 And over time, that teaches their partner one dangerous thing: he can’t handle the truth.

I explain:

• Why avoiding conflict isn’t the real issue—it’s why you’re avoiding it
• How justification and explanation quietly destroy trust and attraction
• The difference between holding space and becoming a punching bag
• When to stay present… and when to set a clear boundary
• How grounded men “pre-handle” conflict so it doesn’t pile up under the surface

This episode will challenge how you think about arguments, emotional safety, leadership, and boundaries in your marriage. If you want respect, desire, and connection without walking on eggshells—or blowing things up—this conversation matters.

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Looking to fast track your growth with personalised support or a guided system to help you evolve out of the nice guy, rebuild your energy, presence, intimacy & become the grounded masculine man you are capable of, apply below. 

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If you’re a high-performing man who’s capable and respected at work, but finds yourself reactive, tense, or second-guessing yourself at home, this will resonate.

In this free masterclass, I break down why so many capable men keep reverting under pressure — especially in their marriage — and what actually creates grounded, steady, self-led leadership that holds when it matters most.

Watch Unshakeable Masculine Le

Transcript

Harrison Orr (00:02.304)
Stop avoiding conflict like a nice guy and avoid it like a grounded man.

Harrison Orr (00:09.784)
You're listening to the Be Better podcast. I'm Harrison Law and I've coached almost 500 men to help them regulate their nervous system, evolve out of the nice guy syndrome and ultimately lead themselves and their marriage from a place of grounded presence. See, when it comes to conflict, most people don't enjoy conflict. Nobody sets out to start an argument. Nobody likes bickering or fighting with their partner. And so it's not...

unrealistic, it's not undesirable or not a bad thing I should say to want to avoid conflict. The problem is the way that nice guys go about it. They avoid the conflict by suppressing their needs by going into fight flight freeze mode, which often means they go just blank, they shut up and just let their wife or partner or whoever it is, expel everything all over them. They

Go into justification mode. They try to make the other party see their point of view through explanation, excuses, justification, intention, whatever it is, and.

if you've ever been in that space, because I know I have, it does one of two things, depending on the partner you're with and their mood and the severity of the situation. It will either force them to escalate and they'll say things like, you're not even listening, I don't even know why I bother. And then maybe even get frustrated if you're trying to make changes, but you're doing things that aren't you and it's just not working. Or they will just shut down.

Usually it starts to escalate for the first few times and eventually they just shut down because they feel like, fuck, why I don't know why I bother. It's like, he's not listening. He doesn't care. And well eventually stop sharing her thoughts or feeling her truth with you because she will know or she will learn through what you've taught her that you can't handle that level of truth. You can't handle that level of emotion that every time

Harrison Orr (02:15.318)
emotions escalate or there is that type of issue. You get defensive, you blame, it's just, it escalates and she gets to the point of like, can't be fucking bothered. What's the point? It's not going to change anything, which is a shit place because then you start to like, that starts to creep up, creep up. know, there's more and more things that you can't say to each other. And then that's why eventually you end up in a place where you just roommates coexisting, co-parenting and afraid to speak your real truth with each other and afraid of,

offending the other, upsetting the other, turning into a fight, and so you just walk on eggshells around each other, which sucks. Now, the opposite of that, right, if you're a nice guy and realize, cool, I need to stop avoiding conflict, the...

pendulum doesn't need to swing all the way to the other side. And then you say, okay, now I embrace conflict and now I'm, you know, I'm a man who faces conflict head on all the time. But I've used the example before of people that then swing that far that way. You if there's a shooter at the beach or in the shopping center and you walk straight up to this guy because I don't avoid conflict, fucking dumb move, right? Very stupid move. So there is.

time, place, but also context. When we're looking at conflict, we wanna understand why am I avoiding this? Am I avoiding this because I don't feel confident speaking my truth? I don't feel confident in the emotions that are here right now, or I'm trying to people please, or I'm afraid that if there is conflict, it will lead to loss of love, loss of connection, loss of acceptance, or whatever the need that you're trying to get from this person in that moment is.

Because when you understand that, it becomes less about the conflict itself and more about the needs exchanged underneath it. And so if we simply remove words like argument, like fight, like conflict, and simply replace it with an exchange of information or an exchange of perspectives, sure, there might be some heightened emotions, but when we're trying to justify it or explain,

Harrison Orr (04:29.472)
We're not seeking to understand the other person's perspective. We're seeking to protect our image, to prove that we are right, to prove that they are wrong, to protect our ego, which comes at the sake of our partner feeling understood and cared for, at the sake of the connection in the relationship, at the sake of trust and honesty, which ultimately tarnishes and crumbles the relationship. So instead,

of taking that view, the view that someone has to be right and wrong. It's simply an exchange of information which comes back to curiosity, compassion and understanding a desire to understand the other person's perspective. When we can do that, when our partner or someone can bring an emotional, bring a situation to us and instead of jumping into all the excuses or taking it personally or whatever that...

trait is for you and saying, please tell me more. Like I want to understand why you feel that way. And not from a sarcastic point of view, in this tonality and genuine curiosity is, is crucial. If it is fake, it's probably going to make things worse. Right. But genuinely trying to understand, like I want to understand.

what it is that made you feel that way. Like when we can understand why our partner feels the way that they do, whether it was the way that their day planned out, maybe it was something that unbeknownst to us actually pissed them off or really upset them or they extrapolated a meaning from something that we did that we're completely unaware of.

when we can understand why they feel that way. And importantly, understanding this does not mean that we agree. It does not mean we need to apologize. It does not mean that we are advocating for this and saying that it's okay or anything else. It's simply allowing her to express the emotion, knowing that we can hold it. Because in this moment, you are required to do nothing other than stay present

Harrison Orr (06:50.448)
and listen. Not listen to respond, not listen to justify or anything else, but simply listen to understand. We don't go into solving mode, we don't go into anything else in this moment. Holding that space will allow her to feel so much safer. It's gonna feel uncomfortable for you too.

If you're a nice guy or someone who doesn't feel comfortable in their own emotions, maybe you suppress them, maybe you tell yourself, it's not that bad. And you try to move on really quickly. You try to see the silver lining instantly without feeling the emotion, or you distract yourself with alcohol, food, porn, social media, whatever your vice is, then...

your partner having these heightened emotions is gonna feel uncomfortable for you. You're going to want to feel like you need to fix it. And you might tell yourself that, it's coming from a place of love that I need to fix this. No, that's coming from a place of insecurity.

that your worth is based on other people's emotions around you, that you need to fix other people's emotions and make sure everybody else is all right for you to deserve to sit at this table, for you to deserve to be a part of this family, because otherwise, if somebody else is not okay, that's your responsibility. Wouldn't that simply not true? That's taking away each person's responsibility to regulate their own nervous system and to solve things for themselves.

For your kids, if you tied their shoelace every single day, what's gonna happen? They're never gonna learn how to tie their own shoelace. They become dependent on you. And sure, that might feel good for your ego, but is that healthy? Is that helpful, truly? Again, for your ego it is, but not for the other person. So if you truly wanna help the other person, allow them to experience that. Hold the space for them.

Harrison Orr (08:52.364)
If they want solutions or they want help afterwards, amazing, cool, but speak into that. Do you wanna be hugged, helped or heard? And then we step into that. But until then, it's just holding space. And so the grounded man's way of avoiding conflict is not to run away from it, but to sit in it, to stay present, understand.

why they are feeling the way that they are feeling. What got them to that point? And then you can navigate that, right? And to be clear, I've seen a lot of guys, not a lot, enough people have commented on some of my posts recently around this topic and said, yeah, well, there's a line in the sand before you just give up or you stop being the punching bag and think words to that effect. Completely different scenario, right?

Staying calm, grounded and present in these moments and holding space for your partner's emotions does not mean that you are the punching bag. Does not mean that you have to sit there and be disrespected. That you have to sit there and just take whatever punches she's throwing at you or any, know, unconstructive communication. We need to remind ourselves that we are adults, that we are partners, we are lovers, we are married, we are on the same team.

if that is happening in your space. Actually, no, I'll go back a step. There's a difference. The difference here is when we control how we respond, stay grounded, we stay present. That is controlling what we can control. That's controlling our behavior.

That's creating a separation between stimulus and the response and staying present and then allowing those emotions and then navigating those. Based on the grounded man that I am and that I'm becoming, how do I handle this? What are my wife's needs at the moment? Again, does she need to be hugged, held, heard? What is it right now? And I can facilitate that. If.

Harrison Orr (10:59.148)
And like that does not mean that if she's being disrespectful, you have to sit there and take it. Like there's not about just taking whatever comes your way. If she's being disrespectful, if it's gone to a point where this conversation is no longer constructive, you are well within your right. I would even encourage this to draw a line in the sand. This is where setting boundaries comes into play. Now setting boundaries and

standards or bylaws, however you want to frame it in your relationship, needs to come from a grounded and level-headed place. I do not advocate for setting boundaries in the middle of a high stakes or high tension argument, because then it seems very reactive and very tit for tat. But setting that boundaries, getting the agreement when you are calm and everything is level-headed that we love each other.

We're on the same team. I know emotions rise, we all get frustrated, we all have things that don't go our way, things that happen in life, but can we agree to communicate and speak to each other with respect? Like we are on the same team. And then in those moments, you've got something to lean on and say, hey, remember this is the thing that we agreed on, this conversation is no longer getting constructive.

and then you decide, you lead, what happens there? Put a pause. Babe, I can see this conversation is going somewhere nowhere constructive, we're both getting frustrated, I'm gonna hit a pause on this, we're gonna take five minutes and then come back and we're gonna speak like partners who love each other and we're gonna navigate this properly. We're gonna come to a solution. We're not avoiding this, we're just gonna come back when we're both level headed. And then you separate and then you come back.

when you're setting these boundaries. That's one of ways to handle that. But if it's the disrespect or degrading you in front of kids or other people, simple boundaries require them to do nothing at all.

Harrison Orr (13:07.488)
If you are spoken to in a way that you do not appreciate and you have communicated that, your boundary might be, hey, in this moment, I will give you a warning that we're getting to a place that's no longer constructive. And if you speak to me again in that disrespectful tone or in a way that is not constructive, I will walk away. I do not need to be, I do not need to tolerate being disrespected or spoken to like I am less than.

Now you need to be willing to hold that boundary. Setting a boundary and not following through will do worse for the trust and respect you have in yourself, but also for everybody else. Because it shows that you don't really mean what you say. And so then they can just walk all over you again. It's the same as everyone knows a couple that fights and every time they fight, they throw their rings away and they tell each other they're getting a divorce and they hate each other. They wish they were never married. And then they eventually get over it and come back together.

once or twice and then that threat of being divorced and you know, taking the ring off no longer means anything, right? Because like, cool, I've seen you do this before and then you come crawling back a couple of days later and we're all good again. So I know that this is just a phase. It doesn't mean anything.

my wife and I have this agreement in our relationship that no matter how bad the fight is, no matter how much we disagree, no matter how heightened the emotions are, we never use divorce as a threat. We never say, we never even bring that word onto the table in that discussion. If you use that word, it is like you better fucking mean it, right? Because then we've got issues to address. Like you better damn mean it if you are bringing that into this.

a halting situation, right? If you've got that frame and someone throws that word out there, that's slam the brakes on like, shit, I didn't know we were that deep into this, that this was that big of an issue. Cool, right? But unless you have that.

Harrison Orr (15:10.51)
these words and things get thrown all over the place and they don't mean anything. And then eventually when someone does finally check out and wanna leave, it's gonna be so silent and you're not gonna see it coming, but the signs have been there, but because there's been no follow through or no meaning to any of the words, it's hard to address. So having those boundaries, having those standards, and so you're able to lead

those points of conflict. One of the things I suggest a lot of men do

the work with me is when you're talking about, know, like when everyone plans with their partner, their future together, their relationship, everyone likes to talk about the holidays will go on, the date nights that we'll have, the frequency and types of sex that we'll have and like all these fun and exciting parts. But nobody wants to talk about how we navigate conflict. Nobody wants to talk about how we connect and come back together after a disagreement or how we connect on a daily or a weekly basis just for the

the maintenance of the relationship and of the connection, right? When kids are testing, when schedules are chaotic, when life is happening, everyone just wants to talk about the fun times, which is great, but there's such a small portion of the relationship and of life.

And I used to be that way too. I used to avoid the conflict. I thought that was the be all and end all. That if we argued and fought, or had disagreements, that that was the start of the end and it would eventually lead to us breaking up and everything else. But I've since realized that not only do you feel so much more...

Harrison Orr (16:56.43)
powerful and grounded and confident as a man by having the ability to have hard conversations, both in your marriage but then also with other people. But it clears up the elephant in the room because these things aren't often one-sided. They're often things that everyone can feel, but often no one has the balls to step in and speak it.

when you're able to do that as a man and lead that conversation from a place of grounded presence, seeking to understand each other's perspective, guiding it into what do we need to do so that this doesn't happen again? So everyone feels heard and understood and like all the things that they need from this place. How do we grow from this so that we are stronger, so that this doesn't become a recurring issue or a recurring fight or point of contention? That way,

you very rarely have the same fight multiple times because something comes up. Cool, that's new. Why was this a point of disagreement or tension? What happened here? I was this, you felt that. Amazing, what do we do? Beautiful, and we move on. And so it's not like you never have fights or disagreements again because ultimately it would be boring if you were both on the same page with everything. Like it was like, yes, yes, yes, yes. Like you never had differing opinions or thoughts. That would be like being married to yourself and some people might like that.

would find that very boring. But it's like, how do we navigate that? Like how do you navigate having a differing of opinion and still be able to love each other? Still be able to stay connected without seeing that as a kink in your armor? That not just from a relationship, a marriage standpoint, but like as a friendship or any relationship standpoint, that's the sign of a strong...

strong connection. Like can you have differing opinions, communicate them without any love lost? Like sure you can get heated and passionate about your perspective and things like that, that's great. But can you still at the end of the conversation say, cool, I can see why you feel that, why you think that way, but I don't.

Harrison Orr (19:21.378)
I've now got information on both sides and I still pick what I believe. Yes, that's more about beliefs and opinions as opposed to experiences. That's different. That probably upset some people. If you said, I can see why you think that way, but you're still wrong. Do not recommend that.

So if you wanna handle conflict like a grounded man without running away from it, but actually almost pre-handling it is probably a better phrase, seek to understand.

whatever the emotions coming up for the other person, but knowing that that's their emotion, your job isn't to get sucked into those, your job is to stay grounded and seek to understand. Often in that explaining, they will start to come down themselves because they're having to articulate why they're feeling the way that they're feeling. They're not just caught up on the story that perpetually fuels that emotion that they're feeling. Get into the place where you can genuinely say, that makes total sense.

I can see why you would feel that way. And not just throw away, I'm like, yeah, yeah, I can see why you feel that way, but, and go into explanation. Like that will diminish someone else's self, I don't wanna say self-worth, but it's gonna piss some people off, right? That would just show that, okay, he wasn't listening, he was just listening to respond and to prove his point and to try and put me down, say I'm wrong. Again, not helpful. So seek to understand. And then one of the most,

important questions that you can use after that is, if I'm understanding you right, or if I'm hearing you right, and then repeat what you heard. Now, you may get it right. She might say like, yeah, yep, that's right. Or, no, that's not why I'm upset, and go this, because you may have focused on the wrong point. She may have been upset about this thing, but you focused on that thing. Cool, get to that understanding.

Harrison Orr (21:20.954)
Okay, cool now I've got it this alone will avoid most arguments most conflicts and I hope you're noticing right now. You have not chimed in any perspective You have not given any explanation. You have not volunteered any information or any thoughts or feelings on your part. You have simply Sat there allowed her emotion

sort to understand and repeat back, cool, is this, have I got this right that this is what's going on in you right now? Amazing. Cool, thank you. Now, if it's not about you, you can go into, do you need to be helped, heard or hugged? Like what do you need from me right now? If you are unsure, now as a nice guy, don't default to that all the time because you're afraid of getting it wrong. But while you're still getting better at your attunement to her, ask that question.

or if it is about something that you've ask, what would we need to do so that this doesn't happen again? So that you don't feel unappreciated, so that this doesn't happen. Cool. And then provided it's a reasonable excuse, a reasonable, not excuse, a reasonable request, and it doesn't validate, sorry, it doesn't.

compromise any of your values, like, you know, she's not asking, well, I would feel more valued if I was allowed to go on benders at swingers parties every Friday night. Like, we're not asking for anything of that magnitude, provided it's reasonable. Agree to it. Like, yes, that makes sense. That's fair enough. I can do that for you because I love you and that's a request I'm willing to accommodate.

That's one of the things that nice guys are so afraid of as well is having preferences, right? In your relationship, simply having a preference of, like it this way, not that way. Is that something that you're willing to do for me? Right? I have a preference that when I get home from work, I would love to be greeted by you like you're happy to see me. Right? That's a preference. I want to know that I'm welcomed into my own fucking home.

Harrison Orr (23:39.308)
Is that something that you could do for me? Or you might say like, I'm fucking exhausted when I get like, I would like to just be left alone for the first 10 minutes. I want to get home, kick my shoes off, have a shower. And when I come back, I'll be fresh. I'll be present. I'll give you everything that I've got, like everything for you. But most men...

they have a preference of what they want, but don't communicate it. And then their wife will get frustrated because he's not showing up presently as soon as he walks in the door or is resentful and meh, meh, meh, meh, time she doesn't look up or greet him when he gets home. And then it just creates this resentment when we're not communicating those needs or those preferences.

And then it makes it a whole lot easier for us to receive them and do them for the other person. And again, it's because we want to. It's not, well, I'm doing this for them so that they will do this for me, or I'm doing this for them so that I stay in the good books or I get brandy points or we have more sex or whatever it is. I'm doing this because I know it would make you happy and I love you. So that's part of the deal of being married.

Difference in agenda, massive difference. So I'm wrap it up there. You've got enough frames and enough action items that you can take from this. Pick the one that is most relevant for you. Pick one step, even if it's tiny, one change, even if it's, okay, I'm not gonna defend myself when she brings something up. I'm gonna stay curious. Or,

whatever the step is that you're up to in your progression in this journey of evolution and marital and self growth. So don't be sorry, be better, take action and I'll see you guys next time.