Why “Putting Her First” Is Ruining Your Leadership l EP. 67 l

Nice guys believe they’re selfless.

They say yes.
 They avoid conflict.
 They let their partner decide because “she’ll be happier that way.”

But after coaching nearly 500 men, I’ve learned something most nice guys don’t want to hear:

That behaviour isn’t selfless — it’s selfish.

In this episode, I break down why phrases like “I don’t care, up to you” aren’t generous, considerate, or loving — they’re a way to avoid responsibility, rejection, and discomfort. And how that avoidance quietly forces your partner to step into a role she doesn’t want: leading.

We unpack:

• Why decision-offloading destroys trust and polarity
• How fear of getting it wrong masquerades as being “easygoing”
• The difference between leadership and dictatorship in relationships
• Why women don’t want more choice — they want direction
• How grounded masculine leadership actually looks in daily life

This episode is for the high-functioning Nice Guy who does everything “right” but still feels underpowered at home — and can’t figure out why attraction, respect, or ease feels harder than it should.

If you’ve ever thought you were being a good man by stepping back…
 This episode will challenge that belief.

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Transcript

Harrison Orr (00:01.454)
despite what they believe about themselves, nice guys are inherently selfish.

Harrison Orr (00:08.632)
You're listening to the Be Better podcast. I'm Harrison Orr. And after coaching almost 500 men, one thing is painstakingly clear, and that is how grounded you are as a man will affect your ability to lead yourself and your marriage and have more of an impact than anything else you can possibly control. And when it comes to being a nice guy,

Everything is done from the conscious standpoint of I'm doing this for other people. I'm saying yes to help other people. And in this episode, I want to specifically talk about the framing at home of allowing other people to decide of I don't care babe, up to you. I don't mind whatever you want. You make the decision, your call. And a lot of...

a man, and I definitely used to do this as well, would say that, I just want her to choose, right? Because if she chooses, she will be happy. And if she's happy, I'm happy. putting ourselves down the pecking order in that sense. But here's another way to think about this. Here's like what's really going on. The real way to think about this, which completely dispels what...

and how a nice guy thinks about this. First of all, we need to address the fact that that does not help anyone. Because I'm sure someone in that moment could make a suggestion and you would say, yeah, well not that. So there is an element of what you do want to do or what you do want to eat depending on the situation. But when we look at, okay, I don't care, up to you.

as a nice guy, there's a couple of things underneath that. One is the fear of getting it wrong. Right? What if I make a suggestion and it gets rejected? What if she says no? What if it doesn't have a good outcome? So there's that fear of getting it wrong.

Harrison Orr (02:13.998)
is one element here and that plays into a lot of nice guy relationships and marriages and the decision making process or the decision relinquishing process, I guess, of the man giving it to the wife, which forces her to step into her masculine, creates the imbalance of the polarity, creates the frustration because she's now in a role she doesn't want to be in and all around turmoil, right? But also,

Like if you think about it this way, if you're asking for someone else's perspective or someone else's opinion or what they want and they say, I don't mind up to you. That's fucking annoying. Because like if you're genuinely asking like, cool, what do you want to do? what do you want to what? Tell me what you feel like. Tell me what's going on in your space. And they say like, I don't care up to you. Like.

It's annoying. It's not very constructive. You feel like, I may as well just hang out with a brick wall then. Like take into its natural extremes. Imagine if you were hanging out with someone, be it a partner, a friend, or even, even your kid. Cause you'll see this in your kids as well because they will pick up on your traits. And if anytime you ask for their opinion, I don't know. I don't care. what do think about this thing? I don't know. I don't really care. What about this thing? I don't know. I don't really care.

fucking annoying and you eventually stop asking and you eventually lose trust. You lose respect in this person because you like who am I even talking to? This person doesn't have an opinion. This person doesn't share anything. I have no idea what this person is thinking or feeling and they just say I don't know to everything. Useless.

So there's that element to it. But the frame that I helped a client to see just the other day, because he was in this space, and he's, we use the example of eating out for dinner. He's like, I would just say, don't know, because I genuinely don't care, is what he was telling me. And I said, okay, why do you say that you don't care? because.

Harrison Orr (04:23.348)
I genuinely don't mind what we have for dinner and I would be happy to see my wife and daughters be happy with what we're eating for dinner. Okay, amazing. Look beyond the food. What do you think is being asked of you right now? What do think they want?

It's not about food. It's about you being the leader. You being the leader, you making the decision, you providing the direction is what they want. It's not about the food. So if they say, hey dad, what are we gonna have for dinner? Or there is a question because you haven't proactively made the decision ahead of time.

They're looking to you because subconsciously they're saying, dad, husband, I want you to lead us. I want you to pick a direction. I want you to make a decision for us. That's what they want. Not about the food. So if you're really self-serving, I'm sorry, if you're really being selfless, if you're really putting other people's needs ahead of yours in moments like this, in your relationship, in your fatherhood journey.

That's what you would do. That's what we would do if we really wanted to put the other person's needs above us. We would lead them because they are the feminine. That's what they want from us. And where I used to get this wrong and where I've seen a lot of other nice guys get this wrong is they swing so far on the pendulum. They think, okay, I need to provide a direction. And it's one of two things. It's either like a dictatorship, like this is what we're doing. I'm not asking your opinion. This is what we're doing. And it's so like,

blunt and forceful about it, that it feels rude and controlling. That's not it. Or they provide a direction, they provide a suggestion, and then they say, oh no, I don't feel like that. And they take it personally. Fine, whatever, what do you want, up to you. I was just doing the thing and you told me you wanted this, now you don't. So like, I don't know what the fuck you want from me, blah blah blah, and go into story mode. Think of it this way.

Harrison Orr (06:30.51)
I like to use food as an example, because that's something that people can relate to almost on a daily basis, right? You can obviously up escalate this to as big a decisions as you need. When you make the decision, right? Using food. Hey babe, how does Thai feel for dinner?

Harrison Orr (06:50.09)
Asking her how she feels about Thai food is exactly that. How do you feel about Thai for dinner tonight? Insert whatever cuisine or option you're talking about here. notice the language in that. How do you feel about Thai food for dinner tonight?

If she says no, if she says doesn't feel good, don't want it. Notice in that language, all of like that feeling is towards the Thai food tonight. It's not towards you as a man. It's not towards your integrity. It's not towards her love towards you. It's nothing to do with you. It's towards the Thai food for tonight.

you could then change it. Okay, well, if you really want to tie, okay, well, how do you feel about tie for lunch? How do you feel about tie tomorrow? Or if you're planning dinner, how do you feel about Italian? How do you feel about Mexican? Right? And so pivot.

is what maintains that frame of leadership because you're still providing the direction. She's still getting her input. So it's not like you're being a dictator in this space. And why this is so important, why I highlight that language is because most men take it, a lot of men take that personally. she said no. So she said no to me leading. She said to note to me as a man, it like get offended by it. When you realize that she's saying no to that suggestion.

you can then see this as an opportunity of depending on the user attunement to her and the energy in the situation right now. But then maybe use it as a learning curve. Okay, cool. Like what is it that you don't feel like about that?

Harrison Orr (08:41.302)
Is it, is it you don't want it tonight? Is it you don't want to have to drive to go and get it? Is it the like the logistics of figuring it out? You just don't want to have to leave the house tonight to go and get it. Is it, you you don't want to spend money tonight? Is it you don't feel like particularly Thai food? Is it like, you start to learn. And then as you start to learn, then you get better attitude.

So as you start to continue to provide this leadership moving forward, you now start to create this memory bank of, if it's this type of weather, she's not going to feel like ramen or something hot. Okay, that's an obvious one for a lot of people, but like, cool, I can store that. If she's had this type of day or this type of week, she's not going to feel like putting in this amount of effort or this type of scenario. You know, she's not going to want to go out socializing with a bunch of people. If she's just had a hectic week, she just want to like take a chill, do something low key, just do something.

Okay, now I'm starting to get better at my attunement to her and her needs. And so as I'm providing this direction, keeping in mind, I'm not doing this basic like just for her, right? There's this difference between, well, that sounds very much like nice guy behavior Harrison, right? Just doing what you think she wants.

There's a difference here, right? If I'm providing those suggestions because I think it's what she wants because I'm trying to be a good boy, I'm trying to get sex out of it, I'm trying to get something in exchange, then yeah, that's still nice guy energy and that won't fly. But.

if you are providing these directions because you are truly in the space of, don't care what we want to eat, but I just want to go eat with you. Or I'm happy to just provide direction, this is where we're going. Or any other frame that has zero attachment to you making this decision, this direction of leadership that is not putting you out, it's not going against what you want. And it's still from that ground masculine frame. Then that's fine.

Harrison Orr (10:37.26)
We start to learn from this. And so creating that separation between the suggestion, the offer, and you will massively help you to keep making these suggestions, keep leading, keep moving forward. It's the same in business, in sales, right?

If you run a business you've had to make offers to people you've had to say like here buy my shit Hey, do you want this service? Hey, do you want this thing and some people will say like fuck? Yeah, I do I need that right now and other people will say fuck no, right because of What's going on in their life? It's not the right time. It's not a priority. They're not in enough pain They don't see the value in it. They like they just don't like you like a myriad of other things the other than the last one you they just don't like

you. All the other things are just to do with them. Right? They're saying no to the offer. Well, I don't like those terms, right in this contract that you've just drawn up. I don't like the timing of it, right? Like because my financial structure is based on this and so the timing is off. I don't like the price, right? The pricing just doesn't work for me. When

and you only get to those points when you can stay grounded enough and dig into the no. Okay, so the first thing is, here's this offer, here's this contract, no. Okay, cool, what don't you feel aligned about in this? what's the price is this? Okay, cool, if we made it this, would that work?

I'm not talking about discounting your stuff, but like you navigating cool, what is it the thing that you're, know, you are opposed to in this and then see what we can work on. If you just take it personally and you take no at face value, then A, you never learn anything and B, you don't have a chance of getting the outcome that you want.

Harrison Orr (12:37.442)
So when bringing it back to the relationship, when we get to make these decisions, when we get to provide direction, it's not, this is what I want, this is what we're doing. It's how does this feel for you? Yes, amazing, let's go. No, that doesn't feel good. If you're feeling ballsy, cool. What doesn't feel good about it?

Okay, this, that enables you to provide another suggestion, taking that into consideration. And then we pivot again, and then we go again. When they are looking to you to make a decision, that's what they want. It's not so much about the decision itself. It's not so much about the food that you eat. It's not so much about what you do on the weekend. It's actually that you have made the decision, that you have provided the direction.

And as they agree or alter some of those plans, it becomes more collaborative. And it's not so much about getting it wrong. It's like, cool, doesn't feel like that. We go this way. And so I hope that helps to reframe your level of thinking around when you really say, don't care, I don't mind.

Because if you're really truly doing it from the standpoint of I'm saying this or doing this because I want to give them what they want, I want them to be happy, chances are what they want is you to make a fucking decision and pick the direction. And you're not giving that to them by saying I don't care or I don't know. So instead, provide a decision, provide a direction, and then go from there.

Harrison Orr (14:20.674)
And notice what starts to happen as you make these decisions, as you get more confident in providing a direction on not taking this personally, on leading yourself and then the relationship and the family.

how much more confident you feel, then how much more they start to trust you. Like the little things like this, that sure you can do it in the moment, but if you can be proactive about, this is what we're gonna do for dinner, how does that feel for you? This is what I think we can do on the weekend, how does that feel for you? Like providing planned and organized direction. Those are the simple ones, those are the low hanging fruit.

that build that trust, that desire for them to follow you and trust you in that process. And then as you start to stay consistent in doing that, that escalates into a bunch of, into bigger areas, bigger decisions, and throughout the rest of your marriage and your life. So.

Now you've got this framework. You already know the same things that you say, I don't know, I don't care up to you two in your marriage. Pick one of them today and either go and make a proactive decision on it. Go like before the question even comes up from your partner. Say, how does this feel for you? Pick that direction, right? Make that decision. And then notice how they respond.

Don't take it personally, just navigate it, treat it as a lesson, treat it as you training your ability to get attuned to her, to her needs, to everything else in that relationship.

Harrison Orr (15:52.751)
See how that feels. So with that, don't be sorry, be better, bye.