48 Hours to Stop Reacting and Start Feeling Solid Again As A Man l EP. 70 l

Most high-performing men don’t lose connection overnight — they lose themselves when emotional tension rises . 

In this episode, I walk through exactly what I would do to stop reacting and feel solid again as a man in under 48 hours. Not as a “quick fix” for your marriage — but as a reset for self-leadership, emotional steadiness, and grounded masculine confidence.

If you’re a high-performing man who can lead in business but feels thrown off at home by emotional tension, this episode gives you a practical weekend plan to start changing that.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why your relationship is often a mirror of your standards, self-respect, and self-trust
• Clear definitions for trust, respect, and emotional safety (without vague self-help language)
• The real reason men become reactive: fight/flight/freeze and identity-driven defensiveness
• The SBS framework to stop reacting fast: Cut the crap → Breathe → Sleep
• Why being “impeccable with your word” builds confidence faster than any mindset hack
• A 20-minute exercise to rebuild self-trust by closing the loops you’ve left open
• How to lead decisions at home without guessing, people-pleasing, or covert contracts
• The boundary rule most men get wrong — and how to set consequences that actually work
• Why revisiting swept-under-the-rug tension builds more trust than avoiding conflict

The 48-Hour Reset Framework

1) Stop Reacting First (Regulate the nervous system)

• Cut excessive stimulants (too much caffeine, energy drinks, pre-workouts)
• Cut cheap dopamine (scrolling, porn, constant consumption)
• Build a real sleep routine (lights down, screens off, wind-down cues)
• Use breath to shift state (nose breathing, diaphragm breathing, longer exhales)

2) Rebuild “Solid” Fast (Restore self-trust and authority)

• Write a list of everything you said you’d do — and didn’t
• Close small loops immediately (anything under 2 minutes)
• Calendar the rest on the spot
• Communicate proactively to close mental tabs (especially ones that affect your partner)

3) Lead Without Proving

• Make decisions you’ve been avoiding
• Stop outsourcing your state to your wife’s mood
• Hold steady through pushback without collapsing or getting defensive

4) Set Standards and Enforce Boundaries

• Get clear on what you will/won’t tolerate
• Set a calm boundary, with a consequence you control
• Follow through (no follow-through = less self-respect and less trust)

5) Revisit Unresolved Tension

• Don’t let conflict pile under the rug
• Speak into it calmly, seek to understand, and close it properly
• One strong conversation reduces avoidance and builds self-leadership fast

If this episode hit and you want clarity on what’s driving your reactivity, hesitation, and loss of edge at home, take the Grounded Man Assessment HERE.

It’s 10 questions that will diagnose what’s showing up, the cost it’s creating, and what to focus on next.

Want short i

If you’re a high-performing man who’s capable and respected at work, but finds yourself reactive, tense, or second-guessing yourself at home, this will resonate.

In this free masterclass, I break down why so many capable men keep reverting under pressure — especially in their marriage — and what actually creates grounded, steady, self-led leadership that holds when it matters most.

Watch Unshakeable Masculine Le

Transcript

Harrison Orr (00:03.298)
Most men don't lose respect or connection overnight. They lose themselves under pressure and everything else follows.

Harrison Orr (00:14.616)
You're listening to the Be Better podcast. I'm Harrison Ohr and I help high performing men to be more grounded, more connected and more present so that they can feel more solid in themselves as men. In this episode, I wanna walk you through exactly what I would do if I wanted to stop reacting and start feeling more solid again as a man in under 48 hours. So literally one weekend. Because the more I talk to

men, the more that I see this showing up in relationship after relationship. This is a man's problem. Right. And it is reflected of where they are at as a man within themselves, just in their relationship. Right. A lot of men will

see the state of their relationship, feel, I should say, the state of their relationship, and maybe think that they need therapy, they need counseling, they need to fix the relationship, when the relationship, their partner, is merely a mirror of themselves, how they treat themselves, the standards they hold for themselves, the love and the respect they feel for themselves is merely mirrored back to them from their partner.

And so a lot of men get to that place and will say like, my partner says she doesn't feel safe in the relationship. The fuck does that mean? don't hit her. I'm not abusive. What does she mean? I feel like she doesn't respect me anymore. Like I provide, I pay all the bills. I'm the man of the house, quote unquote. Why doesn't she respect me? Why does she overpower me when it comes to parenting? turn my decisions or challenge me anytime that I try to lead.

And why doesn't she trust me? Why doesn't she trust me with her emotions, with her truth, with decision making, with all these things?

Harrison Orr (02:07.916)
And before we go any deeper, want to, I'm to put a definition to each of those because I know they can be quite amorphous terms, especially when used in this space. Like in the, the men's coaching, the personal development, like this, this realm, as I'm sure you've experienced, there is a hell of a lot of terms and words that just get thrown out there and they're not very well defined, right? They're not defined to the point of being measurable.

of how do I know if that's the case? How do I know if she trusts me or not? How do I know if I'm improving my trust or not? How do I know if that's what this is as the issue? And especially as hyper-forming men, you want to know the root cause of the issue. You want to know with specificity what the issue is. Like in business, if you're not making the amount of money that you want to, you want to find where the root cause is, right? You just don't want to know like, we

a sales problem. Is it sales or is it marketing?

Where is the break in the chain, in the funnel? Okay, it's in marketing. Where is it? Are we even getting leads? Are we even getting engagement? Are we having conversations? Are we getting booked calls? Are we getting show ups? There are so many steps throughout that, that if you just broad stroke it, you won't know what to fix and you'll end up either fixing shit that doesn't need fixing, wasting time, effort, money on things that don't need to be changed and most likely completely miss the element that actually needs to change.

And so that's why I wanna get specific on some of these. So if we define trust as predictability over time, under pressure. And so whilst in this episode, I said in under 40 hours, this is the foundation, right? You can't restore these things within 48 hours, but this is.

Harrison Orr (04:03.628)
the first pillar, is the first brick of that foundation that needs to be maintained in terms of consistency. And that's where a lot of men get frustrated and actually end up going backwards and doing more damage than good, especially if they're coming out of nice guy territory and they try to lead or they try to make a change and then they get pushback or they haven't...

they have a secret agenda, right? A covert contract as Dr. Robert Glover refers to it. And when they don't get what they want, when they get met with resistance, instead of a grounded masculine pivot or being able to hold that challenge, they get frustrated, get flustered, fine, do whatever you want. I was just doing this because I was trying to lead. I was just trying to be better. Like, you know, have whatever you want, totally up to you. And then just give that,

that leadership and that decision making power straight back to their partner, which proves, said he wanted to lead, but he's not ready yet. He said he wanted to be the man and make the decisions, but he's not ready yet. So consistency. And right now she has all the consistency. Both of you have all the consistency up until this point to say that.

you're not ready for that, right? To say, that proves I should say, why you're in the situation that you are. Doesn't mean that we can't change it, but just know that it needs repetitive proof. And throughout that, there will be challenges, challenges or reframed as opportunities, opportunities to prove that this change is ongoing, to prove that you are the man that you say you are.

I'm working with a client at the moment who has done extremely well for himself in business. But the tension in his relationship, he gets tested, right? His partner is skeptical if this is a change that's going to stay because in the past he's made changes for a couple of weeks and they've been good again, had some more sex and things have felt good. So he's gone, gone back.

Harrison Orr (06:13.974)
Right, stop doing the things that got them into that good place, started being a bit more reactive, lowered some of those standards and things around the house. And so naturally she has her guard up. How do I know that this is going to be a change permanently? How do I know that I can trust you that if I relax a little bit and put my walls down, that this is gonna stay here. You're not just gonna get what you want and be like, sweet, tick that off and go back to what I was doing.

every time you maybe have to ask, how long are you going to be like this? How long do I have to keep this up for? That's showing that you have a finite limit thinking of how much longer do I need to keep this up before we're good again? How much longer do I need to keep this up before you forget about the argument before, we're back on good terms or where we want to be. And then the insinuation in that is that you'll go back to the same old person and you then just create this cycle.

And so with the definition of this trust, another way to filter this is if I removed your explanations and only looked at your actions, like we removed the story, we removed the, but this happened, would trust increase or decrease?

Would I be able to say, you said you would do this thing and this was the action, this was the outcome that happened? Would my trust in you increase because I'm now seeing all this congruency between words and action or would it decrease? And the beautiful thing about this is remove your partner because it's not about her, it's about you. There's a part of you that loses trust in you every time you do this.

And when I said at the start of this episode, being more solid as a man, being solid is also being confident in yourself. Because if you are confident and grounded in yourself, two of the, in my opinion, one of the most foundational traits for being a man, then you're not rocked by other people. Right? Because if you have confidence in yourself, in my opinion, confidence comes from repetition of consistency in you are who you say you are.

Harrison Orr (08:30.998)
You do you say you're to do the thing you do the thing you do that enough times to then have confidence in your ability to to execute and to control what you can control.

And so every time you break that trust in yourself, buy, yeah, I'll start training again on Monday, or I'll get a PT again on Monday. Or, yeah, yeah, babe, I know I said I'd booked the date night, but I've been super busy. Yeah, I'll do it tomorrow. Or yeah, I'll phone up the trades person to do this renovation, or I'll do this thing. And every time you don't, it just...

stacks those odds against you. Little less trust, little less trust. And in yourself, little less confidence, little less confidence. One of the most.

Harrison Orr (09:21.976)
powerful traits that you can have as a man.

is being impeccable with your word. If there is zero difference between what you say and what you do, you are automatically a high value man, provided you're not just keeping the bar bare minimum, but you're actually doing those things and progressing and stepping up in life. You trust yourself.

you have more respect for yourself, you have more confidence. And that then teaches other people how to treat you as well, which goes into respect. And if we define respect as acknowledged competence plus enforced boundaries. So you are competent, like you've demonstrated capability in areas of life. you can...

and regulate your emotions. You can stay grounded under pressure. You can figure things out. You can be resourceful as a man to get things done. You don't need to know how to do everything yourself, but you can navigate it and figure it out yourself. You don't have to over explain why you're doing the things that you're doing. And the important one is that you do not tolerate behavior that violates your standards.

because every time you tolerate what you dislike, you are training people how to treat you. If you set a boundary or you even don't set a boundary and you just get that feeling of, I don't like that. I wanna say no, but I say yes, I'm just gonna let that slide. You are showing first of all yourself that you don't have enough respect for yourself. You just allow people to treat you like a doormat and walk all over you. And that...

Harrison Orr (11:08.566)
allows them to then do as they please. Cause they know that you don't have enough respect for yourself to stop that. And then if we look externally where it often hurts the most for our wife and our kids, that then shows of, he, he's not going to stand up. If he doesn't stand up for himself, why would he stand up for us? If like someone disrespects your wife, are you going to be able to stand up and draw a boundary? Put a stop to that.

Now I don't mean starting a fight, but drawing a line in the sand of what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior and words. And then the third one is safety. This is one that I hear a lot of men get told with wives or women that are more...

Maybe they've done a bit of their own research. Maybe they've gone on their own journey to say that they don't feel emotionally safe in the relationship. Because previously, most people would think of safety as physical, right?

And when your wife says, I don't feel safe, can be really confusing for a man. you're not abusive, you don't yell, you don't threaten, you're not physically overbearing or dominant. What do you mean you don't feel safe? And that hurts, right?

The safety that they're often referring to if they haven't specifically said emotional safety is emotional and behavioral stability in uncertain conditions.

Harrison Orr (12:46.602)
emotional and behavioral stability in uncertain conditions. Conditions, also emotions. Can you stay stable? Can you stay grounded when your wife is being emotional? When your kids are having a tantrum? When there is external stress going on?

Can you stay present and grounded without letting your emotions react to their emotions in the state of the environment outside you? Let your emotions hijack the environment and get reactive and that your responses are proportionate to the situation at hand. Because then if they can then predict how you will handle situations for the better.

that's what enables them to feel safe. A lot of nice guys and a lot of men in general are predictable.

in the way that they handle this emotional chaos and these uncertain situations, but predictable in the less desirable way, in the way that they will go into fight, flight or freeze mode, that they will go into problem solving mode to jump in and try to hijack the conversation and try to fix it, try to suppress the emotions because they don't feel confident or comfortable, I should say, in that emotional tension.

Now that we've got those different definitions, that and confidence is what I would say combines to make a man solid. You're present, you're grounded, are safe, trustworthy and respectable for yourself. First of all, if we can't garner that for ourselves, very limited chance that we're going to be able to have our wife feel that towards us. Because again, we train other people how to teach us. So this starts with ourselves.

Harrison Orr (14:44.856)
And now we're gonna start today with the stop reacting part because before we can do any of that, if we have an over-regulated nervous system, if we are reactive to other people's emotions, to comments, to things outside of our control, we are powerless essentially. Like we're just allowing something to trigger a part of us that was...

You know, formed when we were a child in terms of how to protect ourselves. You know, that's why some guys will go into anger. That's a form of control and a form of a protective mechanism. Some guys will go into shut down mode, which is completely freeze and don't know what to say or do. Again, another protective measure. Other people, other guys will go into maybe people pleasing mode. Maybe they'll get defensive and, you know, try to reflect the blame or the situation back because, you know, I'm, I'm a good man.

that if I accept, if I take ownership of that, that means that I'm not a good man. That means that she might leave me. That means that, you know, all these other things about ourself that we've connected. And so by working on our nervous system, by regulating our nervous system,

Ultimately, the goal here is to create a gap between stimulus and response. And then most importantly, we choose how to handle the situation. We choose how we want to navigate this situation, regardless of our emotion.

Like we're not, I think a lot of people assume that regulating your nervous system means that you are calm, that you are docile, that you don't feel emotions, that you become, you know, just sit there and take everything and just stay peaceful and grounded the whole time. Far from the truth. Emotions are part of the human experience. So we're not trying to suppress those. It's yes, I can feel the emotions.

Harrison Orr (16:43.256)
but I have a level of consciousness and control, containment, to decide how I want to handle the situation, words I want to use, what actions I want to take, if any. If you want to go back, there was a episode probably two, three months ago from this one. And...

I gave the example of when I was camping. We went camping, realized I forgot a bunch of stuff and...

quite important stuff when you go camping. And I felt the emotion comes up. I felt everything in my body. I felt the tension, the increased heart rate, the frustration, the anger, like the desire to blame someone else to come up with an excuse or a justification. And I felt the emotion. I noticed the thoughts coming in and out of my mind to justify these emotions, to justify the story, to take the pressure and the discomfort

it and the blame off me so that I wasn't the one that ruined the weekend so that I wasn't the one at blame.

Harrison Orr (17:53.837)
And when you know that those emotions chemically will last about 90 seconds in the body, that's all you have to sit there for. You sit there and notice them. You don't have to say anything. You don't have to do anything. Just notice their presence. And then as they subside, you can choose.

How do I want to navigate this? What am I going to do? Okay. In that case, I'd forgotten a bunch of shit. Cool. What are our options? Amazing. There's a Bunnings, which if you're not from Australia is a hardware store, right? There's one of those that sells camping gear 20 minutes away. Sweet. It's only three o'clock in the afternoon. I've got time. I'll go get it. Come back. No big deal. Problem is solved.

I haven't said anything, made any comments, passed any blame. I haven't done anything that is then going to keep this tension and this frustration lingering longer and affect the weekend more than it would have otherwise. Whereas in the past, I definitely would have done those things.

I would have said or done something which probably would have set something off in my wife. So then now there's tension between us and then gonna have to do damage repair the rest of the afternoon is, you know, walking on eggshells, that type of shitty situation. Now that needs a repair and addressing on top of solving the original problem. And so that's the goal of the nervous system regulation.

And in those moments, if you've been disrespected, you draw the boundary, you speak up, you action the consequence. You don't have to just sit there and just take everything. But it's coming from a grounded and calm.

Harrison Orr (19:27.79)
state, which is deliberate and not reactive. When we are reactive, it's the part of us trying to protect us, which is again, coming from a childlike psychology, which is not often helpful, which often triggers that level of thinking in the other person. And then we're like two kids having it out and it's not constructive for anyone. So in 48 hours, what I would do to start regulating my nervous system and stop reacting, first of all, cut the crap, which means

the excessive stimulants, which is excessive caffeine and by excessive, everyone has their personal tolerance more than two shots a day, energy drinks, pre-workouts, anything else that stimulates your energy production, more of that stuff. I would cut that.

that is only going to keep your nervous system in that fight or flight mode and cool, use it for a workout, know, your 90 minutes, 60, 90 minute session, go smash that, come back, and we wanna drop back down into our rest and digest state or our neutral state as fast as possible. That's where we're able to decide how we respond rather than just being reactive and triggered all the time.

Harrison Orr (20:46.678)
I'd slow it down if not completely cut it out. Social media.

like cheap dopamine, cheap dopamine that gives us that reward for doing basically nothing. So excessive social media, any platform, know, things like porn, even if you're on things like YouTube, you know, you might can convince yourself that, I'm learning or bettering myself. Cool. That's just mental masturbation, essentially, unless you're changing your behavior and you're writing notes and going to do something because of what you've just taken on, then it's just another form of cheap dopamine.

recommend if you're obviously listening to this podcast, listening to things as you listen or you consume that information, think through the lens or consume it through the lens of what behavior am I going to change because of this.

What problem am I gonna solve because of the information that I'm taking for this? Like you're looking for the information, you're looking for the action, you're looking for the thing to solve the problem, to answer the question that you've just asked yourself to then go and implement to make your life significantly better and start progressing. That, like the action, the execution is where the growth comes from, is where the change comes from. Not just consuming more information.

So after you've cut that cheap dopamine, and that also goes for the obvious ones like alcohol, like drugs, like takeaway foods, like sugar, all that stuff. Set a consistent sleep routine. This is gonna sound boring. Everyone's like, yeah, I heard it. But do you do it? Most people don't. Simple.

Harrison Orr (22:24.628)
of off screens at least an hour before bed, dimming the lights, right? Using candles, rock salt lamps, light dimmers, whatever you need to, below eyeline so that it's dark in the house. If you've got them, wear blue light blocking glasses, you'll feel sleepy within 20 minutes of just wearing those. What we're doing is preparing our brain for bed so that actually when we get into bed, your brain already has all the cues of going to sleep. Consider that like your warmup for sleep.

When you warm up before you train or you play sport, it's preparing your body for the movement You're also mentally getting into the into the zone whatever you need to do so that you can perform, right?

If you just went straight to deadlifting your max, if you went straight to playing a game of whatever sport you're into, the chance of you hurting yourself, the chance of you just missing it because you're not coordinated, you haven't warmed up your muscles, your joints, your reflexes, all those things, is significantly higher that you will hurt yourself and just perform poorly. That's all we're doing in this routine for sleep.

And if you can eat dinner as far out from sleep as you can. Four hours is like the recommended, the highest potential or the highest benefit. But I recognise that that's not always feasible. So at least two hours is feasible for most people, especially if you've got kids. So you just eat with your kids then essentially. Next one for cutting the reacting, breathe.

If you can learn to breathe properly, it is an absolute game changer. And this is not just my opinion. I've heard this from literally every person that I've got to do this, every single client, every single person I've spoken to. And that's not even factoring in all the people that I haven't worked with that avidly believe in practice breath work. How you breathe is going to determine if your body is in a rest and digest state, or if you are in fight or flight, waiting to react. If you're breathing through your mouth.

Harrison Orr (24:27.822)
If you're breathing short and shallow into your upper chest, right? If your inhales to exhales are either even or your inhale is longer than your exhale, you're going to be staying in that fight or flight response. So without changing anything right now, just bring your awareness to that breath. Are you naturally breathing through your mouth or through your nose? Into your chest or into your diaphragm? Is it shallow? Is it deep?

Is it fast? Is it slow?

And then notice how you feel. Are you on edge? Are you irritated? Are you easily, you know, if someone pulled out in front of you in traffic or your wife said one of those triggering lines to you, how fast would you be to react? That's a sign. So we want to flip that super easy three Q process to slow this down and do it right. Breathe through your nose. Because we risk it, we get 20 % more oxygen by breathing through our nose.

through our nose, down into your diaphragm. So by diaphragm, mean like that, rib cage kind of section. So as you're breathing in, you want to almost push your stomach or your belly out. And then as you exhale through your nose or your mouth, doesn't really matter. Make your exhale longer than your inhale.

Harrison Orr (25:53.103)
because with each breath, we are constantly going between fight and rest. Fight is the inhale, rest is the exhale. So we're always going between those two, but if you can emphasize one, you will head in that direction. So if you emphasize the inhale.

It's like Wim Hof, dragon breathing, that kind of style. You will stimulate yourself. You will amp yourself up, which is handy if you want a energy boost before a workout, before a meeting, before a call of any sort. But other times, if you want to bring yourself down.

Harrison Orr (26:39.448)
Just make your exhale longer than your inhale. Literally just a couple of minutes. And the more that you start to train yourself in that being your default state, the clearer your mind will be, the calmer your nervous system will be, the more grounded that you will feel. so presence then for your partner or in meetings or with your kids actually becomes just a natural state. It just becomes, well, I'm here, so this is where I am. It's not something that you need to consciously kind of think about.

So that's sleep. We've covered, the crap, breathe, sleep. And this one is more on a mental and somewhat identity level piece for the reacting is fucking ownership. One of the reasons people get so reactive is because there's a lack of ownership. If we go deeper into that, which we're not going today, we're going to in this episode, should say that ownership.

is relinquished because of what that says about the person's identity. If I admit to this and I made a mistake, therefore that means this about me. That means that I am no good, that I am not good at my job, that I am not a good husband, I am not a good provider, therefore I am not a good man, then I am no good. That's why ownership feels so scary for lot of people around those assumptions, like that line of thinking.

And so we can't just simply break that in one podcast, but just know that that's where it comes from and know that that is not true. The ownership is actually what makes you more powerful, what actually makes you more respected, what actually makes you less afraid because when you can own a mistake, except that you're human, then you can move on with that. You're like, cool, you know what, I did fuck up.

Yep, next time I'm gonna do this different, next time I'll do that. Amazing, I've learnt from it, now we move on. That solution, aware, allows us to grow and move faster through life. So that's how I would stop reacting.

Harrison Orr (28:44.782)
Right, you're like regulating your nervous system is the first piece. The deeper level, because a lot of the guys will then start to regulate the nervous system and still, okay, they've created the gap and still have the impulse to defend, to justify, to create a story, to invalidate the other person's reality. Okay, that's more on the identity level, that's on the parts work, which is, it's much deeper than that. But this is where it starts, it's gonna be a great starting point.

Now, if I wanted to be more solid, I wanted to be more solid in myself, I'm not talking about as a husband, as a father, anywhere else, literally just in myself, because if I'm solid in myself, that is going to, I'm naturally going to create that everywhere else because it's the standards that I hold for myself. It's the energy that I bring into the room. I am now deciding my own energy, my own state, my own confidence, my own worth for myself.

not based on how my wife responds to me, not based on how the kids treat me, not based on anything else that is putting my actions in the middle and them being the final judge of, did this thing, can you trust me now? I did the thing, I stayed quiet and let you talk, do you feel safe yet? No, we create this for ourself and we invite the other people to experience it with us.

or we draw a boundary and move on if needed. So first what I'll do if I want to feel more solid is I would take a pen and paper, find some silence for myself for 20 minutes and write down every single thing that I have said I would do that I have not done.

every single thing that you can think of that you have said you would do that you have not done. So I'll add some constraints onto this because otherwise you'll be here all day for yourself first and foremost. For yourself first and then you can and then you can extend that to home in the relationship. But first and foremost for yourself.

Harrison Orr (30:58.252)
Now you might come up with two or three things at first and you're like, okay, cool, I'm done. No, that's why I say 20 minutes. Actually set a timer and sit there and do not move until that timer is done because your subconscious mind will try to distract you. Won't want to see the part like this, like the stack of evidence here that shows this incongruence.

And so once you've listed the obvious ones, go through your day mentally in your head. What are the things that you repeat to yourself?

What are the, every time you see that thing at home, every time you see that bill on the counter, like, fuck yeah, I still need to pay that. Every time you look at the calendar, like, shit, I still haven't planned the date night yet. Every time you put on those, like your work shirt and it's still slightly pulling apart over the belly where the buttons are because you still haven't started the gym. You still haven't got your body into shape. That's the reminder, like, fuck, I said I was gonna start the gym. Fuck, I said I was going to eat better.

all of those moments, write them down. Every single one.

and then extend it.

Harrison Orr (32:14.606)
Now once you've got your list, everything is there. Now you should come, if you haven't got at least 20 things, you're not looking hard enough. I promise you, even 20's being considerate. You should have a full page of Now, and this isn't about beating yourself up. It's not about telling you you're a shit human or a shit husband or anything like that. It's just clarity, clarity on the things that need to change. Now going through that list.

you're going to, if it takes less than two minutes, you're gonna put a box next to it. Go through all of them. If it takes less than two minutes, put a box next to it. If it takes more than two minutes, you're going to put that into the calendar right now. As soon as you finish it, put it into the calendar. Obviously based on things like urgency, like if there's a timeline or the deadline for whatever reason attached to it, put it in there and...

based on how long it takes. Obviously, if there's something that's like a full day activity, you're not gonna plan it for a Wednesday when you've got to work or you've got other shit going on. Find the weekend or the day in which you can allocate that. Then once you've done all of that, go in action all the things that take two minutes. Phone up.

Make the appointment, schedule the thing, plan out the whatever it was. book, sign up to the gym. You can do that online. You don't even need to leave your fucking seat right now to do that. Go through all of those things and do every single one.

And now you're not gonna tell anyone about it. You're not gonna take this list to your wife and brag about, what I did today and all the things. What you will do though, is the things that affect her. The things that you had promised to her that you hadn't done, you're going to communicate clearly.

Harrison Orr (34:10.264)
that you have either done them, and again, not from a bragging point, but so she can close that tab in her mind, because I promise you, she has all the tabs open. You had to go through and write them all down, but she has all those tabs open, and that's why men feel like they're, quote unquote, being nagged by their wife, when it's just a reflection of the incongruency of what they said they would do versus what they've actually done.

So communicate those. thing, the bigger things that you haven't done that you have planned, that you have organized, that you have done all those, like you've got ready to do at the appropriate time, communicate them. If something comes up, like there is more information needed, there is more resource needed, there is more something needed in being able to plan and execute those, communicate that.

And again, not from a, I've done my part, can you take over the rest? Like as a relinquish, like this is where it's up to, this is what I need, I will have this, this information, I will make this call, I will get this sorted by this date, and then that's when I'll be able to say that I've done it, say that I've planned it, say that I've organized it, whatever is sorted.

Harrison Orr (35:23.854)
Proactive communication. If you are proactive in communication, it will solve, promise you, between that and being impeccable with your word, 99 % of the conflicts that you fucking have with your wife so that she doesn't feel like she has to manage you and be your mother. So that's first of all, take action on all those things. Depending on where you're at, that might take you all weekend. And if it does, amazing, you'll still feel more solid than you did when you started this.

What feeds into this as well is the decisions that you haven't made. The decisions in your mind of, do I do this, do I do that? I'm thinking about this and thinking about that. It's taking up your mental bandwidth. Make a decision. Again, if you need more information, decide or get clear on what it is that you need to make that decision. If it's just, it's a feeling.

Harrison Orr (36:25.848)
people don't, if that's the case, make the decision, right? If it's just like, I don't know if I feel like doing it, depending on how important it is and how much it's gonna change or impact your life, highly recommend finding a better way of doing it than if I feel like it or not. Because if this change is something that you want to make or this you're still considering, then doing things based on what you feel and feeling like it or not,

has got you to this point. It's served you in keeping you alive, but there's a high likelihood that that level of that feeling isn't gonna be the same feeling that the man that you wanna be has. What feels natural in him to have hard conversations, to make decisions, to move quickly might feel scary or conflicting, confronting for you right now.

So the more that we can put ourselves in the shoes of the man that we wanna be and make decisions from that state, the closer we get to becoming that man. So there's gonna be decisions where, scares the shit out of me. I don't feel like doing this or I have these other feelings that are conflicting here. But I know that if I was that man, this is the decision that you would make. Step into that and you're one step closer to becoming that man.

and then things around the house. What you do on the weekend, what you eat, the foods for next week that's on the menu, the shopping, the decisions that need to be made this weekend, go and make them. Go and make them productively.

Hey, baby, I'm feeling like this on the weekend. We do XYZ or I'm feeling like this for dinner. How's that feel for you?

Harrison Orr (38:15.692)
She might be a little confused if this is out of your normal behavior kind of profile. She might provide some pushback, but know that that pushback.

is first of all an opportunity for you to prove your leadership and this state of you that is changing, not a challenge of your character, challenge of you know, that she wants to put you down, but just see it as an opportunity. She is basically serving you that on a silver platter like here, prove that I can trust you, that you are capable, you're all the things that I see you as and I want you to be, just prove it to me. And then you can step into that and know that if she says no,

to tie for dinner, to this thing on the weekend. Know that, think about how you phrased it. How do you feel about tie for dinner? How do you feel about this? No, I don't feel like that. No, it doesn't feel good. The thing doesn't feel good. Not you. So it's not about you. It's about the thing. And so the pivot.

Okay, Thai doesn't feel good. Amazing. How about Italian? No, we had that last week. Cool. How about Mexican? Navigating, pivoting, holding the frame, we still move forward inch by inch. And then as you start to practice this and you get better at tune to your wife, you then start to know, okay, these are the criteria for this type of food or this type of activity. And your suggestions get much more accurate.

And again, doing this from a place of leadership, not trying to guess what she wants. Yeah, big difference.

Harrison Orr (40:00.943)
Two more on being solid. First of all, boundaries. If you do not have solid boundaries right now, boundaries are another...

way of phrasing this, think will land for high performing men is standards. First of all, for yourself, the standards in which you present yourself, in which you treat yourself, health, physical, mental, emotion, the way that you allow the environment around you to be kept and the way that you interact with other people, right? The time in which you get back to them, the way that you interact, the way that you hold space and do all these things.

setting those for yourself, like getting crystal clear on what they are for you, what you will and will not tolerate. Then this can feed into the next one. If there is one that has been bugging you, if I said, you know, setting boundaries with people and there's like, and something comes up, you instantly think of, I really need to say something about the way that she speaks to me, about the way that, you know.

your mom speaks to your wife or something instantly came into your mind of like, that's, that's the one. Go and set it. Go and see the person, phone them. If they're, it's not, your wife or someone in your immediate house, have the calm conversation and set that boundary.

can pre-frame that by saying what you've allowed and this isn't anything personal, this is just new standards that you're holding for yourself and for your life and this is the boundary. This is the consequence if it gets crossed. I don't want to enforce this, but know that I will and it's not personal. This is just the standard that I hold for myself and the people that I allow into my life at this stage. Remaining calm and grounded the entire time.

Harrison Orr (41:59.523)
that conversation can feel scary, can feel hard for a lot of people. Like what if they take it personally? What if they get triggered? What if they get argumentative? What if, what if, what if, what if, what if? That's on them. We can own our language, our tone, like the way that we present something.

but the lens that other people receive it through is totally theirs based on their mood, their current state, how they were treated as a child, all their protective parts, like all their experiences in the world will dictate that frame, which has absolutely nothing to do with you. So own and control what you can, which is how you present it.

Now if that boundaries, I'm give a couple of sections here, a couple of options here, because the boundaries is one. Another one which can be just as helpful is coming back to a situation that has been left open.

Harrison Orr (43:10.018)
where there was maybe a bit of conflict, an argument, someone got triggered and it kind of got swept under the rug. Everybody just thought it was easier to kind of move on from that.

Think about the man that you wanna be. A grounded, masculine, confident man that you wanna be. Would he allow these things to be swept under the rug and tell himself that, it's just easier, I don't wanna cause a fight, know, like we can just forget it and move on. And then eventually allow this pile of shit under the rug to be so high that you have to walk around it, you can't even see each other over it, you've got this elephant under the rug sitting in the living room. Or...

would he speak into it? When everyone's calm and grounded and be able to say, bring that back up, not to rehash it and get everyone all emotional again, but say, this, I don't feel like we left this on good terms. I don't feel like we closed this off and I wanna speak into that so that everyone feels heard and feels understood so that we can address what's going on here and it doesn't resurface again.

and then you lead that conversation seeking to understand clarifying, crystal clear that you know what the issue was owning where maybe you got reactive or went wrong, seeing it from their perspective and then being able to close that off.

Harrison Orr (44:40.77)
That conversation alone will create so much more trust and respect in yourself, safety in yourself as well in being able to navigate hard conversations. Like the desire that you have to avoid hard conversations or avoid conflict will dip just a little bit with just this first conversation because you knowingly step into it and then you navigate it.

and then you come out the other side, if it's navigated well, stronger than you went into it, which I know is a crazy thing to think of when we think the reason we avoid conflict is because it weakens the relationship, because people get upset, because it'll push us further and further apart. And then you realize that no, it actually becomes a point of understanding, a point of unity and strengthening, and that we can grow from that.

that frame will transform your relationship and how you feel towards yourself alone. And then you do these things consistently. You revisit the hard conversations. You set the boundaries from a calm, neutral place and, fuck's sake, most importantly, you enforce them. You enforce that boundary. And I didn't say this earlier, but just to rehash this.

the consequence of a boundary must be something that requires them to do nothing at all. I can't say, if you cross this boundary, you're gonna pay me a hundred bucks. That's stupid. It's not gonna work. If you speak to me like this, I will walk away. If you text me in this tone, or if you text me these things where I have...

requested that we have this conversation in person, I will not reply. It requires nothing on the other person and action on your part that you must be willing to follow through. Otherwise, the trust, the respect in yourself diminishes. And again, we've just taught the other person how to treat us. And so that's what I would do. If I had 48 hours and I wanted to flip the script on,

Harrison Orr (46:56.692)
stop reacting on being more solid in myself and the energy that I bring into the room and allowing other people to mirror my calm grounded state because I'm so calm, present, confident in myself. That's where I would start. And as a bonus, what I would do is

write down before you do this, how you're feeling about yourself, like where you're wanting to see change in your life, like in yourself, in the energy that you bring to the room, in the way that you handle conversations, in all these things. And then write down what you do, what you actually do. And then again, after the weekend, after the 48 hours, write down what's different. You now have...

basic but a starting point blueprint of what works for you. You now have lived experience, personal proof that when you do X, Y and Z, you aren't so reactive, that you feel calmer and more grounded even in emotional stress, that you don't have to get defensive, that you can allow the other person to speak their truth, that you feel more confident, congruent and have more respect for yourself because

You do what you say you'll do. You're able to have hard conversations, to revisit emotional conversations, to set boundaries, not from a place of reactivity and tit for tat, but from grounded respect for yourself.

and then continue that on. That blueprint now becomes something that you can continue indefinitely for the week, for the month. See how long you can run that for. And again, notice what changes you make, how you feel, how other people start to treat you differently because you started treating yourself differently. You raised your standards for how you show up for yourself, how you treat yourself, and then how you allow other people to treat you as well.

Harrison Orr (49:01.41)
Now, if this has hit home and this has been super valuable for you, but you're still wanting even more clarity on how you're showing up at home and any other gaps, blind spots maybe that need that focus for you to get to become that grounded man that you wanna become. In the show notes.

there's a link to a grounded man assessment. 10 questions will then give you a diagnostic on what's showing up, what effect it's having, what you can do about it and moving on that. So you've got crystal clear clarity on how that's showing up and what to do about it on top of this. So now you've got the actions, you've got the plan. Don't be sorry, be better, bye.