Stop Tolerating Mediocrity in Your Marriage: The Standards High-Performing Men Avoid l EP. 78 l

“Stop tolerating mediocrity. You wouldn’t do it in your business — but you’re still doing it at home.”

In this episode of the Be Better Podcast, I’m calling out the quiet standard gap that a lot of financially stable, high-performing men live with for years.

You don’t tolerate “good enough” in your business.
 If ads aren’t working, you pivot. If something is broken, you fix it. If performance is dropping, you tighten the standard.

But in your marriage?

A lot of men keep repeating the same pattern for years — hoping it’ll magically improve “once things calm down,” “once the kids are older,” “once the next milestone hits.”

It won’t.

The first lie: “I provide financially. Isn’t that enough?”

This is phase-one success. Survival. Material security.
 And if that’s all you bring… it’s going to sting… but you’re replaceable.

Because what your wife and kids actually need isn’t more money, another holiday, or a nicer car.
 They need you — your grounded presence.

The version of you that can hold pressure at home.
 The dad your kids can bring their truth to without you losing your shit.
 The husband your wife can feel in the room — not just physically there, but present.

Because when you’re not safe to be real with, people don’t tell you the truth.
 They stop sharing. They go surface-level. And over time, the relationship becomes logistics and silence.

I share a story that hit me hard: a father in his 60s breaking down because his adult son never wants to spend time with him.
 And the brutal truth underneath it: the son learned early, “Dad’s too busy. Dad’s too tired. I’m not a priority.”
 Years later, the roles reverse — and it destroys him.

The second lie: “It’ll get better later.”

Later is a fantasy.
 Your marriage doesn’t fix itself when the kids move out. It doesn’t fix itself when you retire. It doesn’t fix itself when you hit the next revenue goal.

If anything, the distance becomes more normal… until one day you realise intimacy has turned into birthdays and special occasions, and you can’t remember the last time you felt deeply connected.

The third lie: “This is a marriage problem, not a me problem.”

Most men can hire experts in business without ego.
 But when it’s personal — marriage, intimacy, emotional leadership — shame and pride kick in.

Because it stops being “data.”
 It becomes identity: What does it say about me if I can’t lead at home?

And that’s why so many men settle into a marriage that isn’t “that bad”… but isn’t alive either.

I also share a real moment from my own relationship: a fear that sits under a lot of growth work —
 “What if I change… and then you don’t love me anymore?”

There’s no certainty. That’s the point.
 But that fear keeps men trapped in a life that’s tolerable… not fulfilling.

So here’s the audit I want you to run:
 Where is there a gap between the standards you live by in business… and the standards you accept at home?

Because the man you know you are — and the man you’re being in your marriage — shouldn’t be two different men.

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If you’re a high-performing man who’s capable and respected at work, but finds yourself reactive, tense, or second-guessing yourself at home, this will resonate.

In this free masterclass, I break down why so many capable men keep reverting under pressure — especially in their marriage — and what actually creates grounded, steady, self-led leadership that holds when it matters most.

Watch Unshakeable Masculine Le

Transcript

Harrison Orr (00:01.806)
Stop tolerating mediocrity. You wouldn't do it in your business. You haven't done it anywhere else in life, but you were still doing it in your marriage and at home.

Harrison Orr (00:14.414)
You're listening to the Be Better podcast. I'm Harrison Ohr and after being a reactive people pleaser for years and almost having it destroy my marriage, I now help men to outgrow those patterns so that they can become grounded masculine leaders of themselves and their marriage. And in this episode, I'm gonna run you through the standards that are not conducive to the man that you know you are, but the lies and the frames that

high performing men keep telling themselves that are keeping them stuck. And the fact that you're listening to this tells me that you are already someone who's successful in business or their career. You're financially stable. You've built the material wealth and success that everyone has said we should aim for, as in men. But there is still something missing. Maybe it's in your marriage.

Maybe it's when you look at yourself in the mirror, you can feel that there is more potential to yourself. There is more to life than you're currently experiencing. And the problem is, this is not a standard that you would tolerate in your business. This is not an acceptable pass that you would allow in any other area of your life. You would see the gap. You would feel it.

You would do something about it and then grow and then take the action to rectify the issue that is not being resolved. If you were running ads and you're pouring this money into this ad for your business and it's clearly not working, you wouldn't just pour more money into it. You would do something about it.

You change the hook, you change the creative, you change the angle, you change the offer, you change something and do it differently. Yet in your marriage, you're probably still doing the same things that haven't been working for years. And so I run through first of all, the frames, the psychological frames that so many high performing men tell themselves about their marriage and themselves that are keeping them stuck. And then what...

Harrison Orr (02:38.305)
to do about it. The first one is I provide financially. Isn't that enough? I pay all the bills. I built the house. I paid for the holiday. I paid for the car. I paid cash. I did all these things. What else do you want from me? That is phase one success in life.

Unfortunately, if that's all you can provide, this is gonna sting, so brace yourself, if that's all you provide, you're replaceable. Think about how many other men make enough money to provide a living. Most of them, especially in first world countries. If that's all you provide, sorry to tell you this, but you are replaceable. And that is going to sting your ego.

That does not mean that you're a lost cause. It does not mean that your kids and your wife don't love you. What it means though is what they want from you, what they actually want from you is not more money.

is not another holiday, is not a brand new car, is not any of these material things. But as long as you keep telling yourself that that's what they want, then no matter what you give them, it's never enough. And you start to get maybe frustrated or resentful, calling them ungrateful. And maybe even you get to a point of confusion in yourself. This is why. Because they don't want more of that stuff. Like.

There is proof, you've got enough proof to say that that's not working. What they want is your grounded presence. They want you for you, the thing that only you can provide. Your grounded, masculine presence. So when they bring a problem to you, you can sit there and feel it with them. They can bring their truth or their honesty or their fuck up or whatever it is to you and know that...

Harrison Orr (04:40.472)
Dad's gonna look after me, dad's gonna help me, dad's gonna keep me safe, dad's gonna help me figure out whatever I need to without losing your shit, getting frustrated, getting angry. Because all that does is teach them that they can't be that honest with you. That they can't share that much with you. They can't be that emotional with you. And so naturally, they reduce what they share.

They reduce how emotional they are with you. They reduce what they come to you with. And over time, you end up in a relationship, and this goes for wife or kids. There's just surface level. How was your day? What's on this week? Anything new? No, not really. Cool. Good night. See you tomorrow. Think about the level, the amount of conversations you have that only go to that depth.

and now maybe you're in a stage where the kids are still under 18, so they still live at home with you, they still have a relative level of dependence on you. But play this out over the next five, 10, 20 years when they are no longer living at home and they have the sole choice of if they wanna spend time with you.

if they pick up the phone to call you to bring something to you to have a chat to see how you are to want to go grab a coffee go to a game.

Harrison Orr (06:14.028)
and if they would want to.

I saw a piece of content recently by Patrick Bette David and he's a religious man in the neighborhood he just moved to. They went to this Bible study group and they were talking about the importance of presence and spending time with your kids, know, like while it is so, so precious while they are there and creating that relationship. And this guy who was, you know, mid sixties as he described him, you know, got up and left the room like fucking bawling and

Dave was like, you okay man, like what's going on? And he's just like fucking sobbing like his head on Patrick's chest and the guy's like, my son never wants to spend time with me. He's like, I invited him to go to a game, to go and do this and he just says no and he doesn't want to see me anymore. And he's like, I finally get it now. Because through the child's entire...

childhood anytime he wanted to go his son wanted to go throw a ball he's like no I'm too busy that's got to work I'm too busy and then on the weekends hearts on I'm too tired I'm too this and then his wife you know thinking that she was helping him out would say like no don't bother your father he's tired or don't bother him he's busy he's you know he's doing this and so the son learned all these lessons of I'm not that important dad that's too busy

Dad's too tired. Dad doesn't want to spend time with me. Dad doesn't prioritize me or has these other priorities ahead of me.

Harrison Orr (07:58.639)
And that's a tough lesson to learn for a kid.

And so the consequence of that, now that the son is mid-20s, doesn't have a relationship with his dad. Has the opportunity to spend time with him. And just like the dad said when he was a kid, when he was the one that had the reign to decide, said no, now the son's like, no, sorry, other priorities.

Now think about how you would handle that situation.

your kids not wanting to spend time with you.

Harrison Orr (08:43.618)
the kids returning that back of, I'm too busy, no don't want to, no I've got x other thing that's more important than that. And how much that fucking stings.

Harrison Orr (08:58.594)
And so what they're asking, what they're needing from their dad, what your wife is needing from you as a husband isn't perfection. It's not the man that supplies millions of dollars, the perfect house, the perfect holidays, all these things. They're not asking you to be the perfect specimen. They're just asking you to be there, to feel you in the room like you actually wanna be there.

Not you're like, yeah, yeah, distracted. You're sending a message or you're replying to something, an email or half on a call as they're sitting there, like actually have your undivided attention.

actually be able to have a conversation with them that goes deeper than how was your day, showing genuine interest in things. Like one thing that I'm working on at the moment is I'm creating a little bank in my mind for the first question that I ask anyone. Because I'm sick of...

And I think most of the guys I talk to relate to this as well. Like, fuck, I'm sick of that first 60 seconds of conversation every single time. Hey, how's it going? What's new? How's the weather? What's on this week? How was your day? Like the same script, it just forces automation, it forces disconnect, and it just loses presence. But what if you started the conversation with genuine curiosity? Something that broke that autopilot script.

The recent one that I've been enjoying was, if you could relive one moment this week, what would it be?

Harrison Orr (10:39.212)
And then the follow-up is like, why would you relive that? What was so magical about that? Or what do you feel like you didn't really appreciate in that moment that makes you want to relive it?

That is gonna take maybe two minutes or maybe that can expand into the whole conversation if there's not an agenda that we're sitting there with. But think of how much that actually tells you about that person.

about what they value, about what they love in life, what space they're in at the moment because it's like, do you want to relive it because it was amazing and you just want it again? Or do you want to relive it because you only realize how good it could have been in hindsight and you want to go back and not miss the moment? And you just unraveled or opened up a level of communication and conversation that most people don't even have with themselves, let alone another human being.

and think about how much more engaged you would be if someone else was asking you that question.

And so when we start to ask those questions of our wife or of our kids, it makes it so much easier for us to be present in that moment. Like just start at the dinner table. You open the dinner table conversation with something like that and naturally it breaks yours and everybody else's autopilot script. Everybody's thinking, everybody's listening to a new degree and then you learn something about each person.

Harrison Orr (12:06.786)
and then maybe you make that a theme or a game. Each night, someone different has to come up with a question that is not how is it going, how was your day, like any of that generic stuff, something that breaks that autopilot script. And that's just one meal. Think about...

how many, the depth in which the conversations you would have with each of those people in your family and the family as a whole, if that was your new nightly routine, like that was the type of conversation that you guys shared. Then when it comes to the deeper stuff, it's no longer this massive jump between, we're normally at service level and now there's this deep emotional gash or elephant in the room that we need to address.

easier because people feel safe in that presence. So that's the first one. The first frame that so many men get stuck in is that my provision is financial and that should be enough. It's not. And to the second point.

Your marriage will not fix itself. Your marriage will not magically just get better. Once the kids move out, once you've retired, once you've got to that next level of business, once you've got the six pack, whatever that marker is that you've determined as, then the stress will be gone. Then we'll have time for each other on date nights. Then all this stuff will happen because it's not true.

there have already been milestones in your life where you said something would happen and you passed those and kept going and it didn't. You just moved the milestone a little bit further and maybe it was to work on your business, sorry, maybe to work on your marriage. Maybe it was to work on your health. Maybe it was to prioritize the family. Maybe it was to prioritize yourself and you keep kicking that can down the road. But what does that cost you?

Harrison Orr (14:08.674)
Not in dollars, but like what does that cost you in connection? What does that cost you in respect? And not just in with them, but also like the man in the mirror. think about how much brain capacity and then it takes up and how much disappointment it breeds. Repeating the same cycles and telling yourself the same thing for months, for years. Beating your head against the wall.

But in business, if you did the same thing, you wouldn't be here. Your business would have gone under. You would have sank during COVID. You would have like failed well before this. But in business, you pivot. You don't take it personally. This is not working. This is not the direction I wanna go. We change it. This ad or this campaign isn't working. Learn from it, change it, and then you grow.

But somehow there's a disconnect. For a lot of men there seems to be a massive barrier in taking this step on a personal front. Like in business, hiring someone that has the level of expertise to fill that role because it's not your area of expertise doesn't seem like an issue.

getting a marketing expert or a business consultant or like any of these experts to come in and plug the hole of the skill or the knowledge or the execution deficiency that is holding your business back seems to be like a logical step. But when it comes to our personal life and our business and our marriage.

then there's this ego or this shame around having to speak to someone else. Someone to show us what's not working, where we could be better, what we're doing wrong. And there's this belief of, I've done this in business. I should be able to do it myself. But up until now, there's very few one-man operations that are significantly successful.

Harrison Orr (16:22.636)
Sure, that might change over the next decade or two with AI. You might see the first billionaire on a one-man company. But up until now, most successful businesses are teams. Most people in their business journey have had some level of consulting, some level of guidance, some level of management, hired other staff so they don't have to, that have better skills than them in order to fill that gap.

And I'm not saying we hire other people to fill those gaps in our marriage. But can you see the dissonance? In one area of life we have no issues. Assumingly because we don't take it personally. Because it's just numbers. It's logical. It's data. But in our personal life.

It's like it's a representation of us. Like if I can't do this, if I react this way, if I've got this problem, if I'm struggling with sex, if I've got this thing, then that's me. There's shame, there's disappointment, there's like all these things about what that says about my character, about me as a man. And not only do that I don't want someone else to see that, to see where I really am and who I really am, but I don't wanna have to admit that to myself.

that's the big part. A lot of men will not admit this to themselves. That you know what, my marriage has been stagnant the last five years. Not only has it been the same, it's been slowly getting worse. Intimacy went from once a week, to once a month, to once a quarter, to now on birthdays and special occasions. Can't even remember the last time we had.

a conversation that was deeper than logistics running around with kids or just surface level stuff. I can't remember the last time we had a hard conversation about each other's needs or issues or things like that and actually got to a point of resolve and strength. And so without any of that, everything just becomes surface level in...

Harrison Orr (18:34.99)
communication techniques or date nights or the toys, the lingerie, the things that you buy to address the symptom. Like no mistake, the sex life, the intimacy, all these things are just symptoms of what's actually going on. I remember coaching this guy who had been in that exact situation and it got to a point where his wife just stopped bringing stuff up.

You know being being truthful. She wasn't lying but stopped sharing what she was actually feeling because every time she did he got reactive or defensive or it blew up and she just like didn't say anything but just stopped bringing this stuff up and At first he was like man. We haven't had a fight in ages. This is great Like I don't know what's changed, but like I'm not gonna touch a thing because this is fantastic But he was measuring it on the fights and the tension

not on the level of connection, like not realizing that the reason that she had withdrawn and wasn't bringing this stuff up wasn't because there was more peace, wasn't because these things were resolved, it was because she was withdrawing. She'd given up. She's like, what's the fucking point?

Luckily for him, that's where we were able to change. In him showing up, in having these conversations, in speaking and owning his shit. Because without that, you play that out and that's the gap. That's the period of time where emotional cheating happens. It's not often through lust, it's through...

not getting these needs met, not feeling heard, not feeling validated, or having to feel like they walk on eggshells, and then suddenly, someone at the gym, someone at work, someone in this circle now provides that level of interest. Can listen without having to provide a solution. She doesn't have to filter what she says in this space, and that need of feeling heard and seen.

Harrison Orr (20:49.718)
is something that she hasn't been getting. And then that's what creates that distance because of what she's getting elsewhere.

Harrison Orr (21:01.334)
And I think that's most successful men's biggest fear. It's not your wife cheating with a billionaire or someone more successful or richer or better looking. It's losing her to someone less successful. Someone with less status, someone with less wealth, someone with less of these accomplishments.

but someone that has more emotional attunement, someone that can make her feel heard, appreciated, valued. All the things that not being met at home.

And that ties to the first point of like what they actually want from us. Like once the finances and the house and everything like those survival needs are met, it's then phase two, which is your ground of presence, your self leadership, your masculine leadership, like your energy in this space and attunement to be able to hear what she's saying and just allow her to feel that and be that for her, be sold for her.

away, not get defensive, not have to solve the problem or anything, but literally just, I can feel that with you. And being able to navigate those conversations without running away or...

Harrison Orr (22:31.886)
reflecting it.

So they're the first two frames that men get stuck in. And the final one that keeps men stuck, first of all, we've got my financial provision should be enough. We need more provision than just financial. The second is that it should be, like when I get to a certain level, then it'll fix itself, right?

when the kids move out, when I get to this level of business or financial, or I get to this level of achievement, then everything will sort itself out. But all we're tolerating is this mediocrity. We're just deferring this issue when the real issue and the other framework is it's external. Like the frame belief that it's a marriage problem. It's a communication problem.

It's a stress problem. It's these other issues external to themselves.

But that's not the case. It's the internal work, the internal beliefs. Because what all of these assume, what all of these beliefs come from is that I am not enough as I am. I am enough when I provide, when I make money, when I am successful, when I do these things. And then I am enough.

Harrison Orr (24:02.51)
And so that's why we keep chasing all these things, hoping that attached to that achievement is fulfillment, is peace, is connection, is intimacy, is all the things. But that, what we're chasing is a state. I dare say an identity.

And so so many people, man, even when they realize this, even when they realize, okay, I need to be more calm, I need to be more peaceful, need to, you know, not peaceful as in calm as in weak, but I need to have more regulation.

state of my nervous system, I need to be better at sitting still with myself, with my thoughts, in those emotions to hold their emotions so that I can be this grounded, present, masculine leader. Thinking that in order to do that, they have to trade some of their edge, some of their decisiveness, some of their directness, some of the traits that have built this success in order to achieve that.

And so it's not a trade. We're not removing any of those traits in order to build these ones. It's an integration and an embodiment. That's why this is phase two work. Phase one is survival. Phase two is now the emotional intelligence, the emotional regulation and the identity work that allows you.

to feel whole as you are, not attached to this external metrics of success. It allows you to, in one domain, feel the emotions, be at peace, be still, be there with your wife and your kids like you've got nowhere else to be. But then in another domain, be able to almost put those emotions to the side and make a logical decision, provide direction, and then just hammer and tong, go hard.

Harrison Orr (26:08.258)
This is what strengthens that identity is like being able to have each of those skills available and knowing when to use each one. Because if we go to, and this is very common with all these people and I'll even share an insight. I've been having some more conversations, more coaching conversations almost with my wife recently. And we got to some of this parts work.

And she's very in her head, right? Very, very in her head because of her childhood, because she's always run a business, you know, the way that she was raised and the way that her parents are, very independent. And so really struggles to let anybody in, to rely on anybody. And when we got to these parts, we looked at all of them and I said, can you see how they're?

See how they're protecting you. You see how these are playing out and they've done a fantastic job. But for you to feel the things that you want, for you to experience the peace and the relationship and the life that you want, we need to update this system and update some of these patterns. She sat there, she was like, yeah. And I could tell that she was thinking a little bit deeper, maybe something was hitting a little bit deeper too.

And she said...

But what if I change these parts and you don't love me anymore?

Harrison Orr (27:47.182)
What if these protective parts aren't keeping me safe the way that they have all these years and I make these changes and then you don't love this version of me?

Harrison Orr (28:02.89)
end.

I didn't even respond at first. just sat in that because that was heavy. And I think deep down, a lot of men, not even men, a lot of people have that same fear when they're married, when they've got kids, when they've got this life partner and they recognize these parts of them. They recognize these things that they want to change, how they want to grow and evolve. And there's that fear of...

those traits and those patterns got me to here. They got me this amazing partner. They got me these kids. They got me everything which is by no means unsuccessful, by no means a failure of a life. But how do I know that if I update these that it will be better? That my partner will still love me, that I'll still love me, that things will improve from where they are right now?

Harrison Orr (28:58.55)
to be real, there's no certainty in that.

And that's the scary part, there is no certainty that that won't happen.

But one of the things that I said to her, and maybe this is something that you can take away as well, if this is something that is a concern consciously or not of yours or maybe even your partners in this journey of growth.

Ideally we're upwards and together. We're both working on ourself which makes us still moving in the same direction which keeps us evolving as well. Because I don't know about you but I'm definitely not the same person that I was when I first met my wife. But we still love each other more than ever.

And so what I said to her was...

Harrison Orr (29:52.301)
I can see the parts of you that are protecting you. I can see the parts of you that you truly are. I can see the parts of you, the real version of you that is calm and stress free and playful and creative and you're just in flow. And I can see that version of you. And I love you for who you are right now.

and I love you for that potential in you.

Harrison Orr (30:28.738)
Because it's when you marry someone, you not only marry who they are right now, but you marry and you love the person they can evolve into and the life that you create together. Because no one marries someone and expects both of you to stay the exact same for the rest of your lives. It's just not gonna happen. So there is an element of I can see this in you, but that's still scary.

That is still scary. But that fear will hold so many people back from living an okay life. It's okay, I'd even say good, but it's not great. It's not fulfilling, it's not magical, it's not deep and enriching and addictive and like the best thing that you can possibly imagine. And so we either settle for mediocrity.

of, well it's not that bad, but I don't want to change in case change is worse.

Or we say, know what, it's good here, but I want to feel what it's like to not have these patterns around me. To feel that deep, sacred, holy connection of love for myself, for my partner, for my kids, for the presence in the world, for like everything that I can possibly be so that on my deathbed I can hear in my heart say, I, I sent it.

I saw the potential that I could be and I did what was in my power to live up to that. In the standards that I hold throughout my entire life. The standards that I hold for myself, for my kids, for my marriage, for my business, for everything.

Harrison Orr (32:27.544)
because otherwise that will eat at you. That gnawing of, is this it? You put the kids to bed and you sit there and you both just jump on your screens and just doom scroll for the next 60 minutes until you're like, all right, lights off, I guess it's bedtime. Kiss, peck on the cheek, roll over, good night. It's just distant. It's not fun. And sure, that's okay for some people. I mean, you're not fighting.

You're not divorced. You're not like, it's not that bad.

Really? I forget the name of the principle, but there's a principle that basically says most people would actually be better to hit rock bottom. Most people would actually be better off to be faced with a decision through divorce, through their partner cheating, through something catastrophic happening that forces a catalyst of change.

rather than just this hovering halfway between great and rock bottom and just never doing anything. Just living in this mediocre life of existence and marriage and everything.

And I don't know about you, but that sounds horrible. Like that sounds like the definition of just waiting to die on this life. And I'm not about that. Not about that at all.

Harrison Orr (34:00.857)
So looking at.

these mental models, at these frames that we hold. Run yourself a little audit. Audit in your mind, in the way that you view things and then the actions that you're taking because there's likely an incongruence, a gap between who you are, who you're showing up as, the marriage that you have, like the life that you're living and...

the man that you know you could be, the man that you know you want to be, the man that you show up as like in your marriage, in your business, in yourself, one that you are wholeheartedly proud to be, that you feel authentic, that you feel confident, that you feel calm, that you feel like you can navigate whatever comes up because it's just who you are. It's not dependent on, well, I'm only.

decisive and confident at work, because that's my domain, but when it comes home, I come home and it's emotions with my kids and my wife, then it all breaks loose because I'm like a fish out of water. Amazing. That's not.

default sorry that's not a defect like you're not broken it's just a skill that you can most definitely learn and take it from me I used to be the world's biggest nice guy I was an introvert I was shy I was anxious like the only time I ever had confidence was two times two scenarios if I was in the kitchen because I was a chef or if I had my shirt off

Harrison Orr (35:36.556)
because I was sitting at about 5 % body fat and that was my goal. If I had abs, it could make up for my lack of personality and all the other insecurities and anxieties that I had. If I can go from that to posting content online, coaching hundreds of guys, feeling like I am...

confident in myself that I can navigate problems that come up, I can hold my wife's and my son's emotions without getting reactive, that I can step up as that man and change into this. And so can you. You just need the right framework. You just need the right system.

If you're looking for a system, in the show notes, you can go check out the unshakeable masculine leadership masterclass, where I break down that exact system on what to do in that space. Ones that therapy don't teach, guys that talk about stress regulation and just showing up better, don't actually address. This is like the root cause from an identity level change. Not just more behaviors and scripts and shit like that, but actually the core essence of how you show up.

When you address that, that calm, that confidence, that curiosity, that like all the things that you want to be is natural. It just flows. It's not something that you have to think about being present. You have to remind yourself to shut up when your wife's expressing yourself. You you just feel it.

That's what most men are missing.

Harrison Orr (37:16.6)
So if you wanna check that out, the link is in the show notes.

Harrison Orr (37:23.032)
Don't be sorry, be better. I'll see you guys next time.