The 5 Identities Keeping High-Performing Men Stuck l EP. 82 l

Every man who feels stuck in the same cycles is protecting an identity he hasn’t questioned.

In this episode, I break down the five core identities that must collapse if you want to evolve from reactive, approval-seeking, emotionally suppressed… into a grounded, self-led man.

This isn’t surface-level mindset work.

This is identity-level reconstruction.

We cover:

1. “Nice equals good.”
   Why being the nice guy keeps you disconnected, resentful, and invisible.
2. “I am one mind.”
   Why taking everything personally keeps you reactive — and how separating from your protective parts changes everything.
3. “My friction is external.”
   Why blaming stress, your wife, your kids, or work keeps you powerless.
4. “If I change, I’ll lose my edge.”
   Why emotional regulation expands your dominance — it doesn’t weaken it.
5. “My worth is performance-based.”
   The hidden driver behind overworking, proving, and never feeling enough.

If you’re a financially stable man who has built external success but feels tension, disconnection, or quiet erosion in your marriage… this episode will confront you.

Because growth isn’t about adding more tactics.

It’s about collapsing the identities that built your first phase of success — so you can enter the second.

Phase one: survival and achievement.
 Phase two: integration and leadership.

If you don’t question who you think you are…
 you’ll keep repeating who you’ve been.

Want short impactful emails to help you shift & evolve delivered right to your inbox? 

Join the 90 sec email club HERE

If you’re a business owner or high-performing man whose life is stable on paper — but your marriage feels flat, your presence at home feels off, or you’re tired of trying harder without real depth or connection click below to apply for coaching.

Apply HERE 

Want the 7 Day Marriage Stabilizer?

Get Access HERE

If you’re a high-performing man who’s capable and respected at work, but finds yourself reactive, tense, or second-guessing yourself at home, this will resonate.

In this free masterclass, I break down why so many capable men keep reverting under pressure — especially in their marriage — and what actually creates grounded, steady, self-led leadership that holds when it matters most.

Watch Unshakeable Masculine Le

Transcript

Harrison Orr (00:02.314)
Every man must collapse these five identities if he truly wants to grow. Otherwise, he'll keep repeating the same old cycles.

You're listening to the Be Better podcast. I'm Harris Noor. And after coaching almost 500 men to evolve out of the nice guy, ground themselves and lead themselves in their marriage as more masculine men, I've learned that your ability to remove your own biases, to ground yourself and change your perspective is some of the most fundamental skills that we can learn as men.

Harrison Orr (01:05.816)
So what actually is an identity? An identity is essentially a belief, a belief or a set of beliefs that we hold about ourself often that we don't even question.

Hey, what's up guys? I'm just talking about identities and the ones that we actually need to collapse if we truly want to change. Right? Like we all know of some of the surface level beliefs that we have about maybe it's beliefs around money, beliefs around, you know, what it means to be a certain type of person, you know, what it means to be a good parent and the surface level ones are easy to change, right? Like you might see a piece of content online, you might read a book and someone

presents a reframe or another way of viewing something and it just clicks like the what they presented as the original belief the one that you have they're they're working as to how they got to the new belief or the challenging of that belief and if that makes sense to you we can quite easily just change like yeah that makes sense and then we adopt that that new belief

But the beliefs and the identity that hold us back the most are the ones that we don't even question. The ones that we don't even know exist. And there are five core identity collapses that every nice guy must... Every... Sorry. Five identities that every nice guy must collapse if he wants to evolve and become a grounded man. The hard part...

about these is because they are so deep you can't it's very difficult if not impossible to break these beliefs and collapse that identity on your own like think of your identity as somewhat of a self-constructed not pyramid but is that thing in in Greece

Harrison Orr (03:15.202)
like with the pillars, right, that gets held up. And each pillar is a certain belief. If you start collapsing too many pillars at once, even with the help of someone else, it becomes daunting. A lot of men...

even the ones that I've been working with, once you start collapsing some of these identities, especially around their belief of being a nice guy, like it's good to be a nice guy, it's good to do these things for other people to put everyone else first, and they get to a point of limbo of what does that mean? Who am I then?

Like if I'm not constantly running the filter through of putting everybody else first, like what do they want and answering that question and putting my needs last, if I'm actually able to say, what do I want? A lot of people, a lot of men in that case actually don't know the answer to that. They're like, I've never actually been asked what I want, what I wanna do with life. I've always put my wife and my kids and everybody else first.

So it becomes almost daunting if you don't have someone to help you then navigate that collapse. But the first identity that needs to be collapsed if you want to evolve, is it nice?

Harrison Orr (04:39.096)
does not.

equal. Right? I hope you guys can see that. Not really. Because being nice, so many of us were brought up with that framing of life that it's, it's good to be nice.

You treat others how you like to be treated. And then that gets misconstrued in that, well, if I say yes to everyone, then they'll say yes to me. If I bend over backwards for everybody else, then they'll do it for me. If I don't have hard conversations, if I don't tell people what they don't want to hear, if I do all these things, then they'll do the same to me.

But clearly that is not working for so many men. Like it wasn't working for me. Like the belief of if I'm a nice guy, if I'm patient, if I don't yell, if I work hard, if I provide, if I avoid conflict, if I do what I need to do to keep the peace, if I put myself last, therefore I'm a good husband. Therefore I'm a good father. Therefore I'm a safe, good man.

And that's the first layer that has to collapse. It has to be questioned. And if you've tried those approaches, like if you've tried all that and you're not happy with the way you're showing up, your marriage feels disconnected, you don't feel like you have the trust, the respect, the confidence in yourself, let alone of your partner or your kids, then it's worth at least questioning.

Harrison Orr (06:13.858)
that the approach that you're running is not working. One of the biggest, the most common traits of nice guys, which keeps them stuck for so long, is the belief of, is, the commitment to this identity and to this belief. And so when things don't work out the way that they want, instead of saying, hey, maybe this approach is not working, they double down.

And okay, well, doing all this and being this nice and sacrificing this and taking more on wasn't enough. I guess I have to do more. I have to take on more. I have to say yes to more, provide more, sacrifice more and keep going down that road.

which makes, logically, it makes absolutely no sense. It's like in business, if you're running an ad and it's just clearly not performing, going, you know what, it's because we haven't spent enough, throw more money at it and then that'll fix it. It's illogical. But because it's an identity level belief, we don't challenge it. These...

our identities because we don't even think to challenge them. We don't even think to question them because it's what we see is who we are. When we start to create that space, then we can actually see some of these things are not serving us. And we'll get to another identity in a second, which...

has a grasp on especially men that have been successful in business, in their career or in other areas of life that make this harder because part of that brain then just says, well, you I've been successful in this, I've got my way in all this. Who's to say that if I change, then I won't become worse. I won't lose everything that I've gained. So that's one of the next ones. But until...

Harrison Orr (08:10.859)
he breaks the belief that nice equals good, then nothing else can change. Like that's the first identity that needs to collapse. The second one is that...

I am.

Harrison Orr (08:28.909)
One mind. I am me and me is I. The problem with that is that then the man takes everything personally. If his wife says, no, I don't want to do that, he gets upset. If she says she wants to be healthier or she wants to make a change for the family, he takes it as a personal attack. Anytime there's an emotional escalation or there's a problem,

He takes it personally. I am angry. I am reactive. I am this. I need to do this. And it's simply not the case. And it becomes exhausting when you take everything personally that isn't intended to be personal. Like there's a layer there for sure of ownership, but there's so much else that is just an interpretation based on your view of the world.

But when we can start to say that a part of me is a people pleaser, a part of me likes to avoid conflict, a part of me seeks external validation to feel approved and loved, a part of me does these things, when we can see them that way.

We start to then create more separation between our identity, like who we are, and these parts of us that have protected us in these ways. Like the way that I like to describe nice guy is nice guy is not a label, which so many men take it on. And I definitely used to as well. After I read No More Mr. Nice Guy, was like, well, I am a nice guy. I took that on. And even Dr. Robert Glover who wrote the book says he will forever be a recovering nice guy.

because he himself has attached that label to him for life. And I flat out refuse that. I'm like, I'm not fucking having that.

Harrison Orr (10:29.567)
I believe that being a nice guy is an umbrella term for a collection of protective strategies, a collective of protective systems that were birthed in our younger years. So for example, when you spoke up.

to your parents or to a coach or to teacher maybe when you were younger and then you got embarrassed. They ridiculed you, they criticized you. So a part of you in that moment learned in order to protect you from that emotion, from that situation happening again because that was not fun, we're not gonna speak up anymore.

We're not going to cause a fuss. We're not going to say no. We're not going to cause an issue because if we do, we will be criticized. We will be embarrassed. We will be put in time out like whatever the consequence was. Maybe when you were younger, you didn't know how to regulate your emotions as no child does. And so you were angry at something.

And instead of that emotional expression, you you were being taught how to regulate your emotions, how to deal with that anger. Maybe you were punished for it. It was seen as being disobedient. Maybe you were smacked. Maybe your dad or someone got angry at you for being angry. And then so you learn, other people can have their emotions, but I can't have mine. Other people's needs matter, but mine don't. And so...

these strategies don't change as we get older until we address them intentionally. And so that's why there's so many like grown up children running around in adults bodies because the systems that they use in these moments were systems that were developed when they were a child. When we create that space of a part of me versus me.

Harrison Orr (12:29.409)
we can then actually work with these to create that separation.

Harrison Orr (12:38.273)
This changes the belief that a lot of men have of, just need more willpower. I need more discipline. I need to control myself better. Like the fake calm, the emotional suppression that most men do and call it regulation. When you address these parts and these protective systems,

that calm, understanding, that curious nature in those moments actually becomes the default state. And you don't have to force yourself to stay calm. You don't have to force anything else. You don't even suppress emotions. Cause you can feel emotions and let them drop back down. And then you choose, you don't automatically react from one of these parts. You choose how is it that I like to respond from the adult self, not these protective systems that were generated when you're a child.

Harrison Orr (13:31.883)
I didn't think number three.

Harrison Orr (13:38.047)
friction.

Harrison Orr (13:43.565)
My friction is external. That's when men try to address their marriage. Men try to address external sources of stress. Like it's because my stress, my work is stressful. It's because of these external situations. If she just communicated and told me what she wanted, this wouldn't happen. If she was less emotional, then I'd be able to stay calm. If the kids would just listen.

I wouldn't snap, if I didn't have to tell them 100 times what to do, then we wouldn't have this issue. And if work wasn't so stressful, if I didn't have so much on my plate, then I'd be able to be more present. And so they've externalised.

all their friction. Some call it playing the blame game. Some call it victimhood. And depending on the language and like the severity of this, it can definitely fall into that. But this starts to collapse when he sees that your nervous system is the variable. Like how you show up and respond is what's in your control.

You can't control your wife or how she communicates or doesn't. You can't control your kids. You can't control the stresses of life. You can't have certainty over anything external. Yet that's where they put the power.

So if you want to be powerful, if you want to have more authority, if you want to have more control of yourself and the direction of your life and everything in your space, we need to turn inward for these sources of friction instead of looking external.

Harrison Orr (15:26.507)
because your environment will expose where you truly give the power to.

If there is tension at home, if there's stress at work, if your kids are emotional and you react to them, you're giving your power away to them. You make me so angry, you make me this. Imagine giving control of your emotions to a child. That's not fair. That's not great leadership either. As the man of the house, as the father who's supposed to be the role model of emotional regulation for them.

Harrison Orr (16:08.257)
So when you start to realize that the trigger is not the problem, the fact that there's ammo in the chamber is, because you can't be triggered by something that's not there. The trigger is not what's external, it's the fact that it's internal.

some of my content. People that like to troll, like to take stabs, comment on my hairline. Various name calling and things like that. sure, that would have triggered me at one point because I was self-conscious about it and didn't like it. But it's not an issue. I do not care. And have I changed the amount of people that comment on it? Have I changed anything else?

other than owning it myself and looking inward as to why that was even an insecurity in the first place. Like that's all within my control.

And so a fun piece about insults for you as well. like you can see what other people use as insults and also see what you would use as an insult as well. And insults that people use, like when you're trying to genuinely upset or piss someone off, are the ones that that person thinks would be the most offensive.

and the reason that they think it would be the most offensive is because that insult would upset them.

Harrison Orr (17:35.893)
So if someone is insulting you about your weight, about your hairline, about your parenting, that is an insecurity of theirs that they don't like. Just as a fun psychological fact for you. The fourth one, and this ties back to what I said at the start, that if I change...

Harrison Orr (18:11.169)
I'll lose my edge. If I learn to regulate my emotions, if I learn to feel my emotions, then I'll be less dominant at work. I'll be less successful. Like all the traits that got me to this level of life, this level of success will no longer be available to me. Like I will lose that capacity. And that's a fair judgment.

Right. And I even had this come up with my wife the other week. I was practicing something with her that I do with my coaching and she said to me, and this is a fear of just about every guy when they start to do this work, some will vocalize it and some will not. That if I change, if I don't have these protective parts operating and running my running my system anymore,

Will my wife still love me? Will my family still love me?

Will I still be successful?

Harrison Orr (19:22.923)
And that's daunting because you're like, well, I like my life at the moment. I see I can be better, but is it worth the risk? Because there's a risk there. Like what happens if I change and I grow to what I, you know, I outgrow these, these protective parts and these things that have helped me to now, but I can see, you know, holding me, holding me back to some degree. What if I change and I'm no longer compatible with my partner?

What if I lose my ambition, I've lost my competitiveness, like all the traits that made me successful and that earned me this life and this relationship, what if they all crumble?

very valid point.

But the changing of these traits isn't about changing who you are. It makes you more of who you are because you're operating from a state of authenticity, not a state of protection.

The way that I like to frame these traits is right now, a lot of people have certain traits that have done them well for success, but they're missing access to a lot of other traits. Like a lot of men that have been successful in business have access to a certain level of discipline, often called emotional. And that often is actually emotional suppression, but discipline, right? They have great work ethic. They have all these traits that have been great for business success. But...

Harrison Orr (20:56.735)
in the pursuit of that have either put on the backseat or completely just killed their ability to feel emotions, their ability to connect emotionally to people, their ability to stay calm and regulated under that emotional pressure at home where there's no master high behind. There's no title of I'm the boss so I've automatically got status.

at work, cool, you lose a deal, you lose some credibility, maybe some money, but at home.

It is not really, unless you get to the point of divorce, what you lose in those moments of reactivity, of withdrawing, in those micro moments, is not something that you can measure. And so, that's why it doesn't happen overnight. It happens over months and years of poor emotional regulation or emotional suppression, withdrawing.

being reactive, like keeping the conversations always at surface level. There's no deep connection or understanding of each other.

when you learn to harness those things as skills and trades, you become a man who has access to being ruthlessly direct and disciplined when it's called for. You can be calm, present and vulnerable when it's called for. You can be aggressive when you need to, you can be calm when you need to, you can, like, you have access to these states.

Harrison Orr (22:45.335)
She's already at the point of divorce and I can't accept it.

Man, that's gotta be tough.

Harrison Orr (22:53.909)
Is that up for discussion? Or you guys have kind of moved on from that?

Harrison Orr (23:03.053)
It's different for every relationship. But I know a lot of the guys that I speak to and a lot of the situations that I've been exposed to, when it gets to a point of divorce, especially if it's initiated by the woman, it hasn't been a snap decision. Like there's been signs, there's been situations, there's been conversations that maybe a man hasn't listened to.

Like for me, when I was at the peak of my work, I was trying to grow two businesses at once. I was working at my mate's gym trying to help out and I wasn't listening to my wife who saying this wasn't working.

She's like, I need help at home. I'm raising my son and like looking after everything at home and you're not here. You're either physically not here or when you're here, you're exhausted, you're snappy. You're just like, I don't even know who you are. And in my mind, like I'm being selfish, right? I'm thinking, well, I'm the one getting up at fucking 3 a.m. I'm the one working this amount of hours. I'm the one doing all this. I'm like.

It's fine, give it a couple months, it'll be okay, we'll get there, we'll get there, it'll be fine. You know, thinking that she was just concerned about me, that her concerns weren't actually coming from like herself and her needs.

Harrison Orr (24:25.697)
Yeah, and it's hard man, like mate, hope there's at least an option for redemption for you in that space. Some women get to the point of saying they want a divorce long after they've checked out and there's no going back. Others...

say it earlier and there's still the part of them that's like I'm I'm hoping he can fucking change I hope if like this is a fucking Hail Mary of a play of if I if I put divorce on the table this is like the last thing that if if he knows how fucking serious I am about this he will fucking change and some men they they see that they get their shit together they fucking own everything they they grow up essentially and they make that change and they fucking listen and

Others don't. Others see it as like, well, she's just, you know, she's unreasonable. She's this, she's that, and just push it onto her. And just as a side note, this is one of the most, like the most recurring traits that I've seen in men that are just generally successful in life, not just in certain domains. It's not just about the height of their standards.

but it's also the height of their rock bottom. Like everybody's got a rock bottom. where the pain threshold or the level of standards is too low for them to make a change. Like some people with their body, some people will get to 12 % body fat and think, I'm fat, that's gross. And then jump back on like.

back up to their cardio, dial in the diet, do all the things they need to to kind of get to where they'd like to sit. Other people will be 200 plus kilos overweight and have no issues with it. Because to them rock bottom is death. So everybody's got one. But as we become more self aware, more attuned to ourself and our surroundings and actually listen and raise our standards, that drop from our standard point.

Harrison Orr (26:43.745)
gets lower and lower.

Harrison Orr (26:50.785)
tried for five months, she just couldn't get over what I was doing.

Harrison Orr (27:04.011)
Yeah, that must be tough, man.

It must be tough. Like especially, I don't know your situation, man, but I know when...

When we form a, yeah, I'm glad you can see that now. Like, you know, you say, I don't blame her, so I'm glad that you can see that she's completely justified in feeling this way in saying these things. Like, once we form a viewpoint on someone and a frame around them, it becomes very hard to...

to break, like it takes a lot of consistency, even if you want to fucking believe them. It takes a lot of proof, a lot of consistency and also the willingness on them to, to allow that, to allow them to see the change in behavior.

Like I've worked with some guys who have made all this change have been inconsistent and like, sure they'll have slip ups cause they're human, but their wife still out of protection for themselves clings to, I knew you hadn't changed properly. I knew this is the real you and things like that because she's still seeing only those micro moments and not the overall change because she's trying to protect herself.

Harrison Orr (28:25.525)
And rightfully so, right? If you've been neglected or not listened to or whatever the damage that's been done over not just one or two incidences, but over months or over years, like you form a pretty strong belief and protective system to look after yourself, especially if there's kids involved.

Harrison Orr (28:57.547)
Yeah, man, I'm glad that, you you can see that. Because when you can see, like, how you're actually showing up, it enables you to actually change. Like, that's the first part of any level of change is acknowledging, well, I don't like the way that I've been doing things. I don't like the way that I've been showing up. And that's where collapsing these identities and these beliefs comes into play.

Like with, especially with our partners, like they are the mirror for so many men, right? The sharp tone, the coldness in the marriage, like the frustration, maybe the snaps or the arguments or like whatever's coming up in your marriage, in people's marriages. That's just the mirror. And unaware men will see that as

She's just emotional, she's just dramatic, you know, the problem is her. Again, friction is external. Or they will see it as the marriage, where we're not compatible, we're not communicating, like it's an us problem. Still, friction is external. But they struggle to then look at the man in the mirror and say, it's me. I'm the one who's reactive.

I'm the one who's repeating the same behaviors. I'm the one who's not changing. I'm the one who's not listening to what you're actually fucking saying and just brushing it off. Like, I promise you that your wife or your partner repeating the same things and nagging as some men call it is not because she likes it. It's not a fun hobby for her. But she's holding a standard for you that you should be able to hold yourself.

And it's because you're not fucking listening. And I say that because I've been the guy that wasn't fucking listening. So don't think I'm directing that at you, but if the shoe fits then wear it, because that's what I needed to be told when I was in that phase.

Harrison Orr (31:12.609)
Yeah, I'm glad it's helpful, I the fifth one.

And this is not just for nice guys, this last one is one that most men, I would dare say 99.9 % of men struggle with.

Harrison Orr (31:39.317)
My worth is performance based. That's one of the hardest ones for men to grapple with. Especially growing up, we are told that you are only as valuable as the money that you make, as the value that provide, the things that you do for people, the business that you run, and you as an individual are disposable.

And that's That's true to an extent. But I want to reframe that for you. I want to reframe that because to your wife and kids, if you only hold your value to the money that you make and the material things that you provide, you are most definitely replaceable. Because how hard is it to make money?

Most people have a job. Everyone in this world needs money to live. So I promise you, not to disrespect you, but I promise you they can find someone else that can make just as much if not more money than you to provide that, to provide the material things. But your true value for them is the man that you show up as. Like your wife is the only person on this fucking planet that picked you for who you are.

Your parents didn't get a say in who you are. Neither did your siblings.

but she picked you to be her ride or die because of who you are and who you could be as well. And so if you can see some of her challenges, some of her comments, some of these things as a calling up as opposed to a calling out, you massively change the way that you show up and massively change the way that you feel towards your wife.

Harrison Orr (33:32.845)
Because if you see your wife as someone that always nags you, you're not good enough, you do this, so you don't do that, and you take it personally, you get upset, you're like, you're right, I am a piece of shit, I'm not good enough, I'm all these things. Well, of course. But what if you thought about it this way? She can see a version of you that maybe you can't even see. A version up here. A version that is congruent with his word. That is, is...

authentic in his masculine energy that is a leader, that is controlled, that makes her feel safe, that is an incredible role model for her kids and she can see that version of you but she can also see when you're not showing up as that version and so her comments and her questions and all these things see them as her trying to help you up as opposed to calling you out

Harrison Orr (34:29.599)
Even just play those two scenarios in your mind.

Every time I do this, when I get another man to do this, his feelings of frustration and resentment go to thanks and gratitude and appreciation and a deeper love for her being able to see something in him that he can't even see.

Harrison Orr (34:58.861)
So that's not an easy one. Changing your worth.

Harrison Orr (35:07.497)
And if your wife is listening to this, your wife watches this, yes ladies, it's helpful if you tell your man that you appreciate him for who he is, for all that he does, like what he shows up, how he shows up and who he is and that you love him for that version of you. It helps, but it's not gonna be, don't expect him to just believe it. The analogy I used the other day was it's like when the man says, no, you don't look fat in that dress.

Like we mean it, but you're probably not gonna believe it. Cause you're like, fuck, you have to say that. Right? But it helps. But when you no longer have to prove your worth is when you can finally sit and be present. Is when you can actually just be.

with your wife and with your kids. You can be present in their emotions without having to solve them. You can not have to look at your phone every five seconds because you don't need to be stressed about work. You don't need to be attached to that. You can actually be present and know that this is where I'm meant to be because this is who I am and who they need from me.

Harrison Orr (36:20.684)
Yeah.

A lot of guys take things personally, And so if you take things personally, I was just working with one of my private clients yesterday on this. And so there's layers to taking things personally. First layer is, is it true? Like am I taking it personally because it's true? Then, own it. Own it. Like if you take things personally, it's usually one of two ways, one of two reasons. Either you believe it,

Actually, you could even boil it down to just that. You believe it on some level.

Harrison Orr (36:57.953)
whether it's true or not, comes from a different source. Because if you believe it, then there's an incongruency between who you say you are and who you're showing up as. Like that's why it upsets you, that's why it creates that tension in you. And rightfully so. Like that's just a mirror. When people say, you didn't do this, or this didn't happen, or that didn't happen. Cool.

You're right. I hold myself to a higher standard or I allowed that to happen or I saw that and I didn't do something about it. You know what? I like to say that I'm better than that so I should have done something about it. Cool. But another layer is the stories that we tell ourselves about what things mean. Like we create a story that is actually not grounded in truth. And this is where the generalized statements that people make that we take personally come from.

Like if your wife, your partner or someone, your partner comes to you and says, hey, I think we need to start eating healthier, eating better foods, going for walks and doing things like this. I'd like to do that as a family. If you take that personally.

the reason that you would take that personally, if she's just been generalized in these statements, hasn't said you, hasn't directed at you in any facet, then it's because a story has come up of she's saying that I'm fat, she's saying that I need to lose weight, she's saying like this assumed thing, which simply wasn't the case. And when we start to realize all the stories that we tell about ourselves, then all of those, like taking things personally disappears.

Or if you're actually unsure about, know, actually I have an inkling that maybe that was directed at me. But when you dissolve some of these identities and you have a grounded nervous system, you can actually say, you know, I'm feeling a little bit attacked when you said that I took that quite personally and I'm not sure if that was your intention. Can you tell me what you meant by that?

Harrison Orr (39:06.293)
and maybe they will say like, yeah, it actually did piss me off that you did this X, Y, and Z and didn't do that. You're like, okay, cool, intention was right. Now I can go and fix the thing that I fucked up or whatever. Or, no, that wasn't my intention. I simply meant this, this, this, this.

Now you've got clarity on that situation and also identified another story that you've been telling yourself about these things.

Harrison Orr (39:34.901)
naturally as well, if we have low self-esteem, low confidence, things like that, we wouldn't naturally take things more personally because it aligns with the belief that we have about ourselves that we are not good enough, that we are shit, that we're this, that we're that. And.

it upsets us to have that reflected back that somebody else can see that as well.

Harrison Orr (40:05.281)
But this is all part of the work. So this is the natural arc of the evolution to go from a nice guy into a grounded man. And even if you're not a nice guy, some of these identities will still apply in terms of them needing to collapse in order to evolve. Right, especially I'm one mind. My friction is actually probably the last four even.

still apply even for people that don't even resonate with the the nice guy label or trait. So to progress we need to diffuse that nice guy equals a good man because nice doesn't equal good. That I am fragmented not flawed. That there are parts of me I'm not one mind. Changing my friction is external to my reactions are mine.

Everything in my world is here because I allowed it or because I orchestrated it. Either I allowed someone to treat me that way. I allowed someone to stay in my life and that's why they're here. Or I orchestrated it. My words, my behavior, my doing created this in my life. And so as quick side note, this is why I think being selfish will benefit everybody because when you...

take the standpoint of everything in my life is here for me. Right? Like I am the main character of my life. Everything is here as a gift or as a lesson. The man that you want to be, the relationship that you want to have, like the life, the success, the achievements, all the things that you said you wanted, you will be presented with opportunities, with temptations.

Temptations to say no, to prove that's what you really want. Opportunities to earn those traits, to earn that success, to get the reps in, to start to become that man, to earn that achievement. And so when we see that as such, we change the way that we handle things. We don't take things so personally anymore. Like we do, but in a good way. Like, okay, this is for me.

Harrison Orr (42:23.681)
Our partner is complaining about something. She's threatening divorce. Like she's saying, okay, amazing. This is my opportunity to change. Provided I wanna stay in the relationship and I wanna stay here and I love her wanna be with her. Okay, this is the bus hitting me in the fucking face. And so like, hey man, you said you wanted this. Change and prove it.

Harrison Orr (42:49.037)
Then the last one, second last one, moving on. If I change my, if I change, I will lose my edge. Re-framed, becomes regulation expands your power. It doesn't reduce it. You start to have capacity for all the traits of a grounded, integrated man, as opposed to one that has suppressed emotions, not a...

precise level of control over his state and how he's showing up. And so when you master that, you can then get to choose like, what is the tool for the job right now? Is being firm and direct appropriate right now to get the result that I want? Is being compassionate and understanding the best tool for the job? Is staying firm on a boundary and a standard?

what's required or is actually understanding this and navigating this slightly different what's required. And that all takes practice. And then the final one, which I dare say for most men will be a lifelong practice is realizing that your worth is intrinsic. It's not performance-based.

Because think about all the things that you said would make you successful. Like that you would then deem yourself as successful. All the things that you said would make you happy. All the things that you said would make you fulfilled. All the things that you said would tie some emotional feeling to that you've already achieved. And then you just moved on.

you move the goalpost further on. Oh, my first 100,000 wasn't enough. Maybe it's got to be a million and then a million didn't do it. And then it's 10 million. Like this level of achievement, this level of life, we keep moving that goalpost. And that's amazing. And part of being a naturally driven masculine man, but being driven in the pursuit of reaching your highest potential can also be fueled by

Harrison Orr (45:00.297)
I am enough as I am. My worth is intrinsic. I decide my worth versus I will be enough when I reach that thing. I am only a good man. I am only good enough and worthy when I reach that next level. When that external thing happens.

Harrison Orr (45:28.589)
So I'm gonna leave it there.

For the guys for Ghost, for the guys in the live stream, thank you for tuning in. Appreciate the comments and the engagement there guys. If this was actually helpful, I'm actually recording this for the podcast. So it's the Be Better podcast. You can find this on my Instagram. Just go to the link in the bio. It's up there called the Be Better podcast. Everyone on the podcast, you know the drill. Don't be sorry, be better. I'll see you guys next time.