Why Your Wife Stopped Trusting You (And It’s Not What You Think) l EP. 87 l

Your wife didn’t stop trusting you overnight.

It happened slowly…
 One reaction.
 One withdrawal.
 One broken promise at a time.

And most men completely miss it.

In this episode, I break down the real reason trust erodes in a marriage — and why it’s rarely about cheating or big betrayals.

We cover:

•  How “nice guy” behaviors actually destroy trust 
•  Why she stopped bringing things to you (and what that really means) 
•  The subtle patterns that make her emotionally withdraw 
•  How defensiveness, shutdown, and reactivity kill connection 
•  Why trust is built (or lost) in small, everyday moments 
•  The difference between hearing her and her feeling heard 
•  How your internal state shapes how she experiences you 
•  The fastest way to start rebuilding trust (without forcing it) 

Most men think:

“If I didn’t cheat, I didn’t break trust.”

That’s not true.

Trust is built on emotional safety, consistency, and presence.
 And if those aren’t there… she adapts.

She stops sharing.
 Stops opening up.
 Stops expecting anything from you.

And that’s when the real damage begins.

If you’re in a relationship that feels distant, disconnected, or like you’re just coexisting…

This episode will show you exactly what’s happening — and how to start fixing it from your side.

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If you’re a business owner or high-performing man whose life is stable on paper — but your marriage feels flat, your presence at home feels off, or you’re tired of trying harder without real depth or connection click below to apply for coaching.

Apply HERE 

https://harrisonorr.com.au/husband-performance-quiz-574846 

Want to know exactly how you're showing up in the marriage, contributing to the state it's in and importantly what you can do about it? (without her having to even know)
Take the Husband Performance Score in less than 4 minutes, get your personal profile & roadmap to start changing tonight

https://harrisonorr.com.au/husband-performance-quiz-574846 

Transcript

Harrison Orr (00:04.376)
Why your wife stopped trusting you? Why your wife stopped trusting you? And it didn't happen overnight. It has happened one withdrawal at a time.

Harrison Orr (00:20.366)
You're listening to the Be Better podcast. I'm Harrison Norr and I help successful men stop losing their shit at home and step the fuck up so that they can lead themselves and the people that they love. So let's rip in. We're gonna talk about.

why and how our partner stops bringing things to us, why she stops trusting us. And it's not because you cheated, but you know, if you've been unfaithful, then sure, that's going to fucking do it. But most men think that that's the only reason that a wife would stop trusting them. You know, if there's cheating, there's suspicion of cheating, not just physical, but emotional. You know, if you're caught lingering on, you know, half naked women's social media profiles,

longer than you should if you even follow them to begin with you know if you follow a bunch of only fans models you're kind of asking for that to be frank and that's doing you no good at all my friend so go ahead and delete those now if you are

But it's not just those things, right? Yes, those are obvious ones in the same way that you would probably start to lose trust in her and doubt her if any of those things happen. But it's much more subtle than most people realize. And it often comes from a well-intended nice guy, like well-intended in the sense of they're trying to do certain things to maybe keep her happy.

keep the relationship alive, everyone on the same page. it's counterintuitive because those very traits, those very parts of you, those very practices are actually what's pushing her away. What's breaking the trust, not just in her, but in you as well. The trust, the safety, the confidence. Because remember, how she is experiencing you is quite often a direct, just reject, reflection.

Harrison Orr (02:17.454)
of yourself. Like if you don't feel confident in making a decision in leading, why would she? If you don't make a decision or start to actually speak what you think, what you feel, if anytime there's a hint of emotion or disagreement or a conflict and you back down, you withdraw, you disappear because you don't trust yourself.

to stay in that moment in that conversation and to navigate it, then why on earth would she? And so that's the beautiful thing about this part. Everyone in our external world is a mere reflection of our internal world and that we can 100 % control. So this erosion of trust and why she stops coming to you with things has been happening.

over weeks, months, maybe even years. And it comes from little things. Like think about what actually builds trust in relationship. When we say trust, what is it? Trust, I would say trust and safety are quite similar in the sense that it's a level of predictability that you will do a desirable action under the same circumstances. It's

If this happens, can I trust you to do the thing that I want you to do? To do the right thing, right? In the form of cheating. It's like, can you go out somewhere, someone approaches you, and you say, no, I have a partner. No, I'm not interested. Can she trust you to do that? To act the same way every single time, no matter what.

Most people aren't getting approached left, right and center, so that's not really a thing. But at home, anytime there's an emotion involved, can she trust that you will stay there, physically and mentally? Can she trust that anytime she has an issue and she brings it to you, you won't get defensive, you won't get reactive and go lose your shit, that it will actually be resolved and you'll both come to level of understanding?

Harrison Orr (04:34.478)
Probably not, it's gone the other way. So this trust comes from a level of congruence with our words.

being able to do what we said we would do, that's one element. But then also when we introduce the safety piece, the emotional safety piece, it's the things that I just mentioned. Like can she be truthful and completely honest about what she's feeling, about what she's thinking, about her experience, and you stay there. Right, you're not taking it personally and getting defensive or losing your shit and trying to push it back on her, trying to gaslight her, trying to blame somebody else.

Can you stay there? Can you handle these hard conversations? And every time we experience one of those moments, both for ourselves and for her, is either a point to building that trust and building the reassurance and building the consistency, or it's a point away.

from the trust and from the safety because you disappeared, because you didn't honor your word, because you broke that trust, what she needed from you in that moment. And so these things aren't these massive cataclysmic events that create these massive fights and things. It's a bank account. Are you putting in more than you're taking out? Are you being more congruent with your word than the times you aren't?

are you staying present, especially when there's emotions involved, there's raw truth involved, there's half conversations to be had, then not. And then over time is when this balance starts to become a lot more obvious. And that's when it starts to then influence behaviors. It's not just, okay, she doesn't trust you in that moment.

Harrison Orr (06:31.424)
it's over time she's gonna stop bringing things. She's gonna stop putting herself in those situations. And it's not to punish you, it's simply to protect herself. It's not because she thinks anything negative of you, thinks you're a bad person or anything, it's, well, I've seen how this plays out, I'm not gonna bother anymore. What's the point? You know, it's like when,

you try and say something, you try to say something to someone and they're just not getting it. Right. I don't know if you guys ever watched Jordan Peterson, a lot of his interviews when he was very popular going, you know, mainstream with a lot of his interviews and things like that. And he was on this interview with this, I can't remember what news channel she was from, someone in the UK. And it was, it was embarrassing.

to watch this fucking interview, right? It was so cringy. And if you haven't seen this, go and look it up. This woman who was a reporter, obviously, like done well in her field, like had all these arguments and was very against Peterson for...

She had a few points on why she thought he was, you know, the typical labels of how you try to bring down a man's honor. Well, you're misogynistic, you're sexist, you're like, you know, and then try to push all these beliefs onto him, which aren't his beliefs. And this is a perfect example of someone who is not fucking listening and only has their view of the world and is trying to project that onto everybody else. Because no matter what he said, all she would

come back with was, so you're saying, and then completely twist what he had just said to manipulate it into her fucking reality that he was a misogynist, that he thought women didn't deserve equal rights, that he had all these negative and evil viewpoints. And he sits there just laughing. He's like, that's not what I said at all. And it's awkward to watch because she's so...

Harrison Orr (08:39.578)
frustrated. She's so almost you can see her burning up because she is so locked in on her view of the world on pushing him into this box that she's not hearing anything that he has to say. She's just trying to attack him and defame him. So bring that into some of the conversations you have. How often are you maybe not listening to what's being said? You take it personally.

you take it in a way that it's not intended to force it into that box of how you feel about yourself or maybe what you think she's implying. And just a side note on that, to take things personally, right? To think that your wife is being...

intentionally nasty to think that she thinks that you're absolutely worthless, that you're no good, that you're like all these things that part of you is telling you in that moment to justify you interpreting what she said in the way that you have. Is that real? Like, is that what you really think about your wife? Is that what, is that the type of person you really think that she is?

if you love her and you married to her. I say that's probably not.

Harrison Orr (10:04.898)
You notice then that all the things that you're probably thinking that she is, some of those labels and what type of person she is to say those things and to mean it like that, they're just reflections of how you feel about yourself. You're just looking for someone else to validate it or to push it external. Or at least a part of you might think that.

That's the beautiful thing about some of this work when we work with our parts and we understand them. So many of the things that we assume other people are projecting or pushing towards us, we actually see for ourselves like, that's why I interpret the world and these people and these interactions that way. It's because I believe that about myself. And so I'm looking for proof of that because no matter how positive or negative the thoughts that we have about ourself are, we always like to be right.

And so there's that part of us that wants to say, see, I knew that we weren't any good. I knew that she didn't love us. I knew that we were ugly. I knew that this, knew that that I told you despite that supposedly being the exact thing that we don't want. It's kind of fucked up, right?

Harrison Orr (11:19.82)
And so anyway, back to these conversations, when she starts to notice this pattern consciously or not, that every time she brings something up, you get defensive. You've got an excuse or an explanation or a justification, or you just withdraw. then resulting in either an escalation in a fight or just complete distance. She starts to clock that it's not worth it.

What's the point? And so she doesn't Like one of my clients was almost on the other side of this and wasn't, wasn't communicating his needs and his point very well. And so when there was this misunderstanding, instead of being able to navigate it, a part of him had clocked that, that pattern.

of every time, you know, my wife wants me to be vulnerable. Every time I try and share something, it becomes into why I'm wrong and why I shouldn't feel that way. And then it becomes a blame game. And then we end up either fighting or I withdraw. And then, so I'm to go just shut up and not say anything because what's the point? That part of him learned that, okay, well, as soon as I see where that conversation is going, I'm just going to stop. Yeah, yeah, totally right. Okay. Yep. No worries.

Okay, sorry, you're right, didn't mean to. Just withdraw, just shut it off right there. Because you could see that pattern recognition of where it's going to, so it's like, what's the point? And then that's exactly what she clocks, just pattern recognition. And it becomes sooner and sooner in that cycle that she starts to recognize to the point where she then no longer brings those things up. She doesn't even start those conversations because she starts to know how it's going to end.

because maybe you've repeated it for long enough and then you expand this kind of cycle on a more macro level, especially if you're someone who has been to therapy, has been to counseling, has made some changes before and it's worked. But then you fell back into old patterns, you weren't as conscious, it wasn't a long-term change, you didn't find the root cause and then you find yourself doing the exact same thing again. You do that enough times and she starts to recognize the pattern.

Harrison Orr (13:46.967)
she pulls back even further. One of my clients that he's been working with me for about five weeks now, and that was exactly where they were at when he came to me that he'd been through that cycle multiple times and his wife even said, we've got six to nine months to figure that you've got six to nine months to figure this shit out. Otherwise I'm out. And she doesn't want to leave.

She loves him, they have two kids together, but she's seen the cycle long enough. And so she's the one drawing a line in the sand. So it's not a matter of if he can change, she's seen the start part, but it's maintaining it. It's changing permanently, long-term, that ultimately she's protecting herself from. And that's all she's doing in any of these scenarios.

is just protecting herself. And who can blame her? Like, wouldn't you? If you're at work and the same employee, he'd kind of burn to you multiple times in the same situation. It's like, come on, man, how many times do you want to run this roundabout before you learn your lesson? Change the behavior or you fire them.

so we can't really blame her.

then this starts to bleed into creating the roommate dynamic. Now on the extreme, you live in separate bedrooms, completely separate beds. In the early phases, you're still in the same bed, but there's just no intimacy. Like you get into bed, you roll over your face, you're separate ways, or you kind of just sit there and scroll on your phone separately. Like you're never together. So you might be physically together, but you're never connected when you're together.

Harrison Orr (15:32.119)
And this is how couples end up in platonic relationships, in no man's land, just simply talking about the logistics of life. What bills we have coming up, where the kids need to be, what we've got on this weekend, family events, and just the operational side of life, of the house. And there's never any actual connection.

emotional or physical between the two of you. And maybe it feels like, we're not fighting, we're not screaming at each other, so it's not that bad. But there is a dead bedroom, zero intimacy, zero desire, zero connection. And you just feel, don't even feel like best friends anymore. You may be like, cool, we're just literally roommates, where the term comes from, right? We're friendly enough to coexist, but not much more.

Harrison Orr (16:30.22)
Now, this left long enough is where people start to go into cheating territory, physically or emotionally, because they have needs that they want met and they're not getting them from home, so they look elsewhere. You know, if you're in this situation, it's not hard if you go to the gym, maybe that person gives you a little bit extra attention.

They give you that smile, they want to talk to you about things, they find you interesting, they ask you things, and it makes you feel alive. It makes you feel desired, it makes you feel attractive, it makes you feel actually fucking important. Things that you don't get at home. And so it's very easy for that to become a slippery slope into cheating and affairs.

or if it doesn't end up in affairs, it's easy for them to start creating that independence. It's common for people that don't feel appreciated at home, don't feel this spark, feel like the other person can't change is to start to just protect and prepare themselves for the next move. They start to have activities or social groups separate from their partner.

they start to become more independent in doing things alone, figuring out things on their own, not coming to their partner for things, because they're just mentally or at least subconsciously preparing for a separation. Like I've even heard a few people, a few guys that have said, their wife said to them, know, sometimes it would be easier if you weren't here.

Not dead, like you are an extra stress and an extra problem in this household. It's easier for me to get the kids ready on my own. It's easier for me to do all this on my own, which is pretty fucked up and pretty scary when you're now redundant in your own household. So not great.

Harrison Orr (18:38.392)
So in these moments, if you're starting to recognize yourself in any of these cycles, it's probably not too late. If you haven't already signed the divorce papers, if you're not to that extreme, it's not too late. But one of the things that is actually gonna change this is presence.

in those conversations where you withdraw, you check out emotionally or physically, you defend, you get reactive, actually being able to stay present, actually being able to hear and understand what your partner is communicating. And now this is the big difference. you can, and I think this is a sign of emotional growth as well, is that you can hold two truths at once.

and I believe this is why a lot of people are so fixated on being right, or there's a couple of layers to this, but this is one layer, is one of us has to be right. Therefore, one of us has to be wrong. And a part of you learned that if you're wrong, it means that you're an idiot, that you're not good enough, that you won't be loved and all these hor- dire things. So it ain't gonna be me. But.

Her emotions are hers. Your intentions are yours. And they can both coexist without meaning the other is wrong. So you can have the intention of wanting to help, of wanting to put her first and be useful.

But if that's defaulting to whenever you want, up to you, just tell me what to do and I'll do it and all these other traits, it's perfectly valid for her to not feel that you have helped her, to actually feel frustrated, to feel abandoned, to feel like she has to do everything on her own. They can both exist.

Harrison Orr (20:49.836)
And when we can actually understand that and be able to hold that is when we can actually understand each other and navigate this together. Because then in those moments, it's no longer about proving right and wrong, about defending and explaining and justifying and she just needs to see my side of the story, then it wouldn't be such an issue. It's actually understanding each other and then getting to the point of being able to say, that makes sense.

I can totally see why you would, why you feel that way or why, how my actions have been interpreted that way or made you feel that way. Makes sense. Because until you can get to that perspective, like genuinely, you don't really understand her. And the thing about your wife is she doesn't

care that you can logically understand her, that you can repeat back to what she said. She wants to feel understood. She wants to feel heard. She wants to feel appreciated, feel important. And that doesn't come from the words that you say. It comes more from your actions and your presence in the moment. So at the moment I'm... I'm...

working on a workshop to run next week. And one of the examples I give in that is a scripting example. Like so many people in the relationship space, you know, focus on, you just need to communicate better. And I think that's bullshit, right? It's like giving someone a script as to what to say in their relationship, I don't think helps people.

Having prompting questions for conversations, things like that, that's totally fine. But saying this is the conversation you need to have and scripting it out, I don't think is fucking helpful. Because interpret this for me. If I say...

Harrison Orr (22:55.15)
The way that you do that pisses me off and it makes me really mad.

Harrison Orr (23:03.34)
Now, if I was saying that to you, you would probably get defensive. Your nervous system probably just hears my tone and energy and recognizes the threat. Goes into fight or flight mode and you're probably not even fucking listening. You're instantly going into, okay, what is he saying? What's wrong about it? How do I defend myself? How do I justify this? Like, where's he wrong? Or how do I get out of the situation? Like, how do I navigate this?

all from an automatic response. So you're not even really listening, you're instantly going into response, what do do about it? Not hearing a single thing that I've tried to communicate. Versus if I say,

You know, when you've done some of these things, really pisses me off and it really makes me mad.

Harrison Orr (23:58.115)
Now I said the same thing. I said the same words. Put it that way.

But how differently did you receive that second line? Even though I was still kind of blaming you for stuff, saying you piss me off and you do these things, it's still not a great line. But the chance of you being able to hear what I like to feel and understand what I was trying to communicate, significantly different.

because of my tone, because of my energy and underneath what's driving the tone and energy is my nervous system. Is my nervous system in fight or flight, reactive mode or am I calm and present and I'm conscious to navigating this? That's where the difference comes up. Cause then when she brings these problems to you, she brings little things to you.

and that's where you start to rebuild the trust, it's the little things. It's not jumping straight to the big issues, the big things that she's been holding back about her feelings, her thoughts, or what's going on in her world. It's the little things. Can you not get triggered when the kids don't listen after you've said something three fucking times? Can you actually take on board when she reminds you that you haven't cleaned the cat litter after you said you would five fucking times today already? How can you handle those moments differently?

Harrison Orr (25:23.542)
And now it comes back to just congruence. If you say you're gonna do something, fucking do it. But then also when she's sharing something, simply staying present.

which don't get me wrong, I acknowledge is hard for a lot of men. We are wired to want a solution. If you say the same, have the same conversation, or you say the same thing to a man versus a woman, you would generally expect the woman to just sit there and listen and say like, wow, that sucks. And maybe ask you about it, but like just talk about it. And the man would generally go into, what about this? Have you done this? And you done this? What about this? And like go into solution mode.

So we are wired differently like that. And that's why we are meant to coexist, the yin to the yang. But in order to understand one another, we have to know what the needs are in that moment. And so as you're staying present, you're really unsure about what she needs from you in this moment, one of my favorite fucking lines, which the more that, you don't need to use this every single time, but the more that you become present, the more that you like,

aware of these situations the better at surement you get to your wife the less you'll have to ask and the more you'll just intuitively know But if you're genuinely fucking unsure Being able to ask and you can even use this for your kids as well man Very effective everything this I work I speak to that is in relation to generally your partner you can just as effectively apply it to parenting works an absolute treat and That's simply

Asking, do you want to be hugged, helped or heard? If she wants a hug, just give her a hug. Shut the fuck up. Just hold her. Just be present. Just let her nervous system co-regulate with yours provided you're more grounded than she is and just embrace it. Allow that oxytocin, that all those good neurotransmitters and chemicals to just flow and just relax.

Harrison Orr (27:27.192)
purposely slow your breath down, four seconds in, six seconds out, and just calm the energy. And then she wants to talk, she can talk, if not, then doesn't matter. If she wants to be helped, then okay, amazing. Step in, provide your solution, navigate it that way, as you regularly would. If she wants to be heard, again, shut the fuck up and just listen. You can ask some clarifying questions to help understand deeper, but...

understanding, not with the intent to provide a solution to show her the way she's feeling or thinking is stupid or point out errors, literally just to have a better understanding. But it's for you to understand, but funnily enough, it also makes her feel understood and seen more. Right, like imagine if you're sharing something with me and you say something and say like, yeah, that sucks.

You think, okay, well, he heard me, he acknowledged it, but I don't feel like he really understood it. Whereas if you share something and I say, I ask about it, man, that must've been really tough, what was that like? Or I can't even imagine what's that like, what's going through your mind? I ask a little bit more about it and you can open up, share a little bit more.

the feeling of being gen, like me being genuinely interested in wanting to understand you goes up. Your feelings of being validated, of feeling heard, of feeling seen go up as well. And everybody gets what they need. And the beautiful thing about using something like this with your kids, they get to think and then ask for what they need. What they need in this moment from you, from you being dad.

because so many of us have grown up and are in relationships, even parents ourselves now, struggle to ask for what we want. Struggle to ask for what we need. Because it's weird to put ourselves first, it's weird to be able to ask for something and it not being a deal or anything else like that, stating our needs and wants and desires. And so as we get to pass this onto our kids so that they don't have to do the same...

Harrison Orr (29:46.745)
personal development journey in the same shit that we had to, they get to go start one leg up than we have, you give them practice of being able to ask for what they need. And that'll also allow them to check in with themselves like, hmm, what am I actually wanting from dad right now?

and then you can give it to them.

Like shared this post from John Deloney, who's written a couple books and is a relationship expert, I believe. And he was talking about, you know, not expecting your wife to love you the way that you want to be loved in the same way that she shouldn't expect you to love her the way that she wants. That's why we ask. Give each other a fucking map. Being able to say, this is what I prefer, this is what I don't.

If I get home from work and I'm sweaty, I'm tired, I'm exhausted, my preference isn't that you just instantly come at me and tell me about your day and tell me what needs to be done around the house and, you know, go into update mode. I'd prefer to just have fucking 10 minutes, kick my shoes off, maybe have a shower, just breathe. And then you can tell me about your day, you can tell me what needs to be done and everything else. Then we can go into that.

simple preference that could solve a hell of a lot of fights. Because without that, I'm sure maybe you've been in that situation, play it out. Okay, that's not communicated. And then so when you get home, your wife comes at you like that. You're gonna be dismissive, probably checked out, not really listening, not then going to action anything that you've agreed to, because you've probably agreed to things just to make her go away so that you can finally get that 10 minutes to sit down to yourself. She's gonna feel.

Harrison Orr (31:33.229)
annoyed or frustrated, she's probably going to escalate things because she knows you're not listening or eventually she'll check out and stop bringing things to you and she'll feel like you don't even care. All because there wasn't this communication about preferences and what you actually need. And I think that's where people try to use love languages as one element of that. If you haven't heard of love languages, there's just different ways that people express and receive love. know, some people

a massive gift givers. They love buying gifts for people, they love receiving gifts. Other people like myself, I don't really care for gifts. I don't really care for a physical gift from someone. That's cool, but I'd rather have an experience with you. I'd rather have a laugh with you and things like that. For some people it's physical touch, for some people it's words of affirmation or gestures and things like that. I love cooking as one of my love languages. I love cooking for my wife.

for my family, for the people that I care about. Like if I cook for you, I genuinely care about you. But the problem with love languages, I believe is so many people stay surface level. They do the little online test and then say, okay, I may, get their partner to do it. Okay, amazing, yours is words and mine is physical touch, whatever. Amazing. What does that look like specifically?

Like, okay, it's words. What words and phrases specifically?

Do you want to hear? Mean the most to you. Because what I say and what I think may not be what lands for you. I could give you an example. Alex Hormozi, as you would know, one of my virtual mentors and idols in this phase of my life, spoke about something similar with his wife, Layla. And he was talking about how being coachable is such a fundamental trait for being a successful.

Harrison Orr (33:37.261)
marriage and partner. And you know, he's someone that is just expected to get the bill whenever they go out and you know, doesn't really bad an eye. And one night him and Layla went out and she said, thank you. He's like, what? He's like, no. And she said, thank you. Thank you for buying dinner. Like in a, in a sincere and genuine way. Funny enough, even though it's, it's their money.

But he paid for it. And he said, wow, that hit me different to anything else. Like he obviously hears, love you a lot. He hears, appreciate you a lot. Like, you know, he might occasionally get a, you know, oh, cheers, thanks, mate. You know, off the cuff thanks from people when they go out and these things. But he said, no, that made me feel really good.

Can you say that more, please? I liked hearing you say that.

Harrison Orr (34:45.346)
not out of, need you to say this, not out of anything else other than that made me feel good. I like the way that made me feel. I like the way that you said that. And I know you want to say these things in the way that I receive them best. And that's how. Because then you can also flip this on the things that you don't like, the phrases that you don't

And when you have a level of honesty with each other and transparency, you can share these things without people getting offensive, without people taking offense and getting upset. It's like, prefer when you say these things or when you don't say these things. And so if you're into the love languages, you know that my invitation is to go deeper. What words specifically, what gestures specifically,

hit the hardest so that you know, again, not from a people pleasing standpoint, but naturally if you're doing these things because you want the person to be able to receive them, you want them to receive them in the way that you intend them. Yeah. In the same way that, you know, if you're an animal person, you probably give your pets affection in a way that they receive it better. So if you're a cat person, like I am, I rub my head and my beard against my cat's face.

Right? Against their ears, against the side of their face, because that's how cats supposedly say, love you. Right? They rub themselves against you and things like that. Does that do anything for me? Well, I like the bonding experience, but I know it means something to them. Because me saying, I love you, you're so cute, and like all these things to a cat, cats can't fucking speak English. I have no idea what I'm saying. It means nothing to them. And so I know that's a weird example.

But if you're gonna do something, may as well give it the highest likelihood of being received the way that you want it to.

Harrison Orr (36:48.142)
So last point on this, I know we got sidetracked from why she stopped trusting you. If you're in a space where you're, maybe you've been in the roommate dynamic for a while, she stopped bringing you the big things, maybe even the little things, maybe you're stuck in the logistics and things like that. Think about some of the moments that used to bring contention or conflict, the things that she used to bring up.

If she's not bringing those up anymore, if the moments where she used to escalate things and she goes quiet, she gives up sooner or she just doesn't bring them to you anymore.

Unless you have changed, that's not peace. That's not her just getting over it. That's not her just not fighting or picking her battles. She's starting to expect less of you. She's starting to withdraw. She's starting to give up.

And so that's a warning sign.

Harrison Orr (37:52.834)
One that...

Harrison Orr (37:56.814)
you probably don't want to ignore.

Harrison Orr (38:01.199)
And so you can do an audit of yourself, of like where you've everything from this episode, what stood out for you, where do you see yourself or your marriage in this cycle? Can she bring anything to you? If not, how are you responding? How are you handling those? If you want to really test this, go and ask her, hey babe, when was the last time you didn't say something to me?

or you held something in because you were afraid of how I would react. First of all, when was the last time? And if it's pretty recent, that's not good. And then if you want to go again, ask what it was. Maybe how she thought you were going to react. And that's going to test your nervous system.

that line of questioning is going to test your ability to actually hear her out and not go into defense mode, to reaction mode, to justification or explanation mode. And it's going to prove her point exactly.

So use that with caution.

Harrison Orr (39:18.274)
So with that, if you wanna use that question, then go ahead, but I hope this has started to highlight maybe what's actually going on in certain cases in your relationship and why she stopped coming to you, why she doesn't trust you as much as you would like her to. But importantly, what you can do about it without her needing to lift a finger. So you can start to provide the proof and earn that trust back in yourself, with your parts and with her. So with that.

Don't be sorry, be better. I'll see you guys next time. Bye.