Why Changing Your Marriage Feels Harder Before It Gets Better l EP. 94 l

If you’ve started changing…
 showing up calmer, more grounded, more intentional…

…but your wife still seems guarded, reactive, distant, or unsure about you…

This episode will explain why.

Because rebuilding trust in marriage is not instant.

And one of the biggest mistakes men make is assuming:
 “If I change for a few weeks, everything should immediately feel better.”

That’s not how trust works.

In this episode, I break down:

•  why marriage healing feels harder before it gets better 
•  what actually happens when you begin changing old patterns 
•  why your wife may unconsciously “test” the change 
•  how to rebuild trust after years of reactivity or emotional distance 
•  the difference between performance vs genuine identity change 
•  how to repair conflict properly instead of avoiding it 
•  why emotional regulation matters more than communication techniques 
•  how to stop taking your wife’s reactions personally 
•  why most men quit too early in the process 

I also cover:

•  nervous system regulation in marriage 
•  how protective patterns show up during conflict 
•  why women need proof, not promises 
•  how to create emotional safety and leadership at home 
•  the role of ownership and consistency in rebuilding connection 

This episode is for the married man who:

•  feels like he’s trying but nothing is changing fast enough 
•  struggles with defensiveness or emotional reactions 
•  feels discouraged after setbacks 
•  wants to rebuild trust and attraction with his wife 
•  wants to become calmer, stronger, and more grounded at home 

Because real leadership in marriage isn’t perfection.

It’s consistency.

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Transcript

Harrison Orr (00:06.178)
The road back to the marriage you want is not as smooth as you want, but that's exactly how you earn it.

Welcome back to another episode of the Be Better Podcast. I'm Harrison Orr, and I help successful men to break the patterns that are destroying their marriage so that they can lead themselves and their marriage from a much higher standard. Now, when we're on this road to improving ourselves, improving our marriage, I'm sure there's a a logical part somewhere inside of all of us that knows it's not going to be a smooth ride.

Right. It's not just gonna be this aha moment of like, as soon as I start doing this thing that I haven't been doing, or as soon as I don't do the thing that's been creating the distance, then we'll just snap our fingers and instantly be back in the honeymoon phase in this place of you know connection, adornment, desire, with none of the tension, none of the disconnect or the resentment that has got us here. As much as that would be lovely, that's fantasyland.

And so in this episode, I want to give you some context as to what to expect as you're on this journey and why when these things come up is not a it's not a bad sign. I've coached enough men through this process to to know what happens and what to expect along this journey. But if you're not expecting some of these challenges or some of these moments, it's very easy to then throw in the towel.

What's the point? It's not fucking worth it, you know, or sorry, she's not changing, it's not making a difference, and then just give up and go back to the old patterns that got you here in the first place. Which if you've been in that cycle before, exactly proves why you're in that cycle. Because you've been addressing the service level symptoms, really. And let's talk about first, let's talk about expectations here.

Harrison Orr (02:09.454)
Because expectations both for yourself and then for the marriage journey, I think will make your journey a hell of a lot easier. Now, a lot of people will seem to think that, okay, when I address these these these parts of me, these these patterns, these traits, when I regulate my nervous system, will I just never get triggered again? Will I just never be angry or or emotional? Will I just never feel that again? And some people seem to believe that. And then so when

where they inevitably experience those emotions again. They feel like a failure. Right. Maybe their wife makes a a comment or maybe they feel like, I thought I was beyond this. I thought I was better than this. And, you know, go down the self-judgment path.

But it's not about that. Like that's unrealistic because th those are all human emotions. What's the what's a sign of the progress that you're making is twofold. First of all, that the things that do trigger you and do cause those emotional reactions are not so small anymore. Like it used to be

The inconvenience of the kids made a mess or they weren't listening to you. Or you, you know, your wife said one thing when you weren't listening, or when you were stressed out, you snapped back and blew up. And like it wasn't a thing to begin with, but your reaction made it a fucking thing. We don't get triggered by those anymore. But there are still things, there are still circumstances when you're sleep deprived, when you're stressed, when it's that perfect storm, that those emotions still come up. And ideally those things are.

carry more weight, right? In the sense they're they're bigger moments. They have more weight than just those those smaller moments. So we're not getting triggered and emotional to the to the little ones anymore. That's one sign. Like the the size of the event. And then the next is how long it takes you between the emotion coming up and you regaining control. Because if you're new on this journey or when you're

Harrison Orr (04:20.094)
started this journey, there probably w was it was infinite time. Like you would get reactive, defensive, withdrawn, triggered, whatever your default mode was, and then hours, days would go by and maybe even weeks. And maybe there was no ownership at all. Maybe it was all, well, if you didn't do this, if the kids just listened, if it you know, this external thing just didn't get in my way, then I wouldn't have reacted that way. Like no ownership at all. And then through

whatever happens in your life, maybe it's a mentor, maybe it's something on social media, maybe your own maturity and ownership. And then you start to look in the mirror like, fuck, my emotions, my reactions, my problem. And then you start to take ownership of that. And then you start to then bring that back. Maybe then you start to feel some remorse or some regret for some of those actions. And that happens once you've calmed down later that day. Or maybe you go into bed at night, thinking, fuck, I did it again.

I wish I didn't say that. I wish I didn't react that way. And then it gets to a couple of hours and then a couple of minutes. And then it's in the moment. And then you're able to catch it faster.

But the moments that do happen.

Harrison Orr (05:37.142)
They are s they are emotional, but they're not they don't come with the personal venom that used to come with it. Like the the blaming or the like the personal attacks that would come out in in defense no longer come out. It's just this anger or this frustration or this this trigger that comes out in you. But then this is and this is the the one of the most important elements is the ability to repair.

So n no rational partner or rational human being is going to ever expect that you never get angry again, that you never get reactive again. But what will provide the trust and the reassurance and make them feel safe long term in that you are genuine in this change is when it happens that you can take ownership of it. If apology is required, you can provide a genuine apology.

And if there's any action required from it, you can take action from it. You don't just avoid the situation, avoid the conversation, try to sweep it under the rug. You can come back on your own terms without being prompted and clearly say, you know what? The w that moment just before what I said, what I did, I I'm not proud of that. I responded or handled that in a way that I I shouldn't have. And I apologize for the things I said. That's on on me.

I'm I'm better than that. I know I'm doing better. And I

Harrison Orr (07:15.722)
I will do better. Whatever is heartfelt for you in that moment, right? It's it's not like there's no script for a perfect repair or apology, right? They're not always, you don't always need an apology. Sometimes it just needs the ownership and the acknowledgement. But that conversation of I acknowledge that I responded or handled that in a way that I'm not proud of, that I'm gonna do better next time. And then genuinely doing fucking better next time. That's

Some of the markers of growth.

That you can

Set out for yourself, but also in terms of actually setting the expectations with your partner too. Like a lot of depending on how deep you are in the repeating cycle of tension and reactive, then doing some work and then being better for a little bit, then getting complacent, then you know, being shit again, depending how deep you are in that will often depend on how much maybe tolerance your wife has for.

You you improving. If you're deep into that cycle, she's yeah, I've heard this before, I've seen this before, like probably s really sick of your shit. Needs some behavior change to prove that you are actually changing. But if you're not that deep in the cycle, you can often actually just be upfront about this. You know what? I've I've realized the way that I handle these conversations, the way that I get reactive or defensive and

Harrison Orr (08:51.37)
I I don't take ownership of these things. I I'm now seeing what an impact that's that that's having on on you and our marriage and and even our home. And I'm now actively working on on changing that. I don't need anything from you right now. I'm not asking you to change anything or to see anything that that's not there or to give me some special haul pass. I'm just stating that I I see how I have contributed and been showing up and got us to where we are.

And I'm actively going to change that. I'm actively changing that. I can't promise that I'll be perfect because God knows I I won't be. And I'm doing my best to to rectify this, to when I do have misslips, to to repair this and to keep moving forward. And so in those moments when I'm not perfect, I would just love your your grace to know that I'm trying.

And then so when you have the mi the the slip ups and then you do repair them, like you come back to the conversation and you own whatever it is you needed to own and you can have the conversation and bring it back to understanding and connection.

That in itself builds so much trust because there's so much honesty in that. Like I'm not promising it'll never happen again. I'm trying my best to make sure that though to that extent that it doesn't, but I can't promise that it that it won't, because I'm I'm human and I don't want to break my word to you. That's very important to me now. And just by setting those expectations, and then when it happens.

You have the repair conversation, you bring everything back on board, you own all that, and your actions are then congruent with your words. Subconsciously to her, that starts to build so much more trust.

Harrison Orr (10:47.554)
Because what will happen as part of this change is she will subconscious there will be subconscious or maybe conscious tests of this change of you. So you say that you're say that you're changing. There will be moments where you have the opportunity to either prove that you are changing.

Like maybe you decide to make a decision.

What it is for dinner, what it what you're doing on the weekend, like something that you've provided direction on. And she questions you. Or she pushes back just a little bit.

To see how you respond.

To see how you handle it. Not because she wants you to fail, but just as a okay, you're changing. How much are you changing? And your response in that moment will tell her more than she needs to know. And also tell you more than you need to know as well, in terms of how much you've actually changed versus how much you're still performing. Because at the slightest hint of pushback or friction and if you get defensive, you get reactive if you want to throw it back on her or throw your hands in the air, amazing.

Harrison Orr (12:07.756)
You're not ready yet. That proves that she was right to push back. She was right to want this reassurance that you're not quite ready yet.

If you can handle those moments, if not when you can handle those moments with confidence, by staying grounded, by navigating them and pivoting and providing the next direction, taking on board whatever perspectives, preferences, information is then given without it turning into a a disagreement, a tension, a fight.

Starts to build trust. Starts to build that reassurance of not bad, not bad. He he is changing. He did mean what he said. This is new. And it might be foreign to her. Like, and especially if if she has a lot of history in this relationship of not being able to trust you, it's very common for her protective parts who almost.

Escalate unnecessarily to get to the point to almost try and break you. And now most women won't consciously do that. And she won't do that knowingly. But there's a protective part of her that just doesn't want to be heard again. Doesn't want to actually let her walls down and then you repeat the same pattern that you promised you wouldn't. Because the reason she's in a marriage with you is she fucking loves you.

She wants you to be the best version of you. She wants to be the version that she can see for you, the version that you even want to be for yourself as well.

Harrison Orr (13:50.37)
But there's so much proof that you're not that man. And there's a part of her that hopes that you can be that man, but there's another part that is going to protect her from getting hurt again. And so if you're deep into these cycles, expect that to come up. And now, if you want to, if you don't want to deal with that, you're like, man, I don't have to put up with that bullshit. By all means, sign the divorce papers and walk away. Don't worry about it.

Don't even try changing. Just go and find someone else you don't have to change for and go on your merry way.

But if you genuinely believe that you are meant to be together, that you want this marriage to work, that you two do love each other, you've just got some some shit in the way that needs to be dealt with, then this is the process. And as the man, we get to go first. That's what leading means, like going first. So if you want her to respond differently, if her to show up differently, you get to show up first. You get to lead the way.

You get to show what it's like to handle those escalations from the calm and grounded place, to actually provide the reassurance that she's actually looking for. For you to initiate all these conversations and the things that need to be dealt with from the calm, grounded place, not waiting for her to do it and not sweeping it under the rug. We get to go first. And worst case scenario, say you go first, you step up, you provide that information, you like sorry, that invitation.

And you do all these things for yourself and you can hand on your heart say, I have been consistent in showing up as this man. I have not been operating from these parts that have run my life up until this point and my marriage specifically. And I have done all this. I've provided the invitation. I have shown patience and grace and compassion and everything under the sun consistently. And it has not been reciprocated.

Harrison Orr (15:51.118)
Then walk away.

As a man as part of this journey, one of the things that you you create is a level of self respect.

And the ability to know what you will allow and what you will not allow in your life. But only after you get to that point can you actually say that I have owned my part, I have done my role to change as much as I can. And now I no longer believe we are on the same team. Because it's not, we're not equal in what we are contributing and changing for this relationship. And now you have a much greater

You are a much higher caliber man to then move on into whatever comes next in your life. And you won't repeat the same relationship because you you've now addressed all the shit that created that relationship. Maybe that one wasn't meant for you long term, but you got to learn everything that you needed from that for whatever is coming next.

Harrison Orr (16:54.318)
So I don't believe there is any downside to actually leading and being the one to go first.

Harrison Orr (17:02.41)
Everything is then an invitation.

You're then saying, Well, why is she why is she challenging me? Why is she doing this? Look beneath the words. Look underneath look fuck looking. Feel underneath those words as to what she's actually trying to communicate.

Which is often I don't trust you yet. Can you please reassure me?

Harrison Orr (17:32.864)
I haven't don't have enough proof to fully relax yet. Can you please provide that reassurance? Can you make the safe space for me so I can actually relax? Because I want to, but there's a part of me that doesn't trust you yet.

And when we see all these things coming from a from a place of love, not to put us down, not to not because they're out to get us, we change the way that we handle them.

Harrison Orr (18:01.59)
Like the fact that you're still in the same house means that there's at least a part of both of you that hopes you can work this out.

Harrison Orr (18:12.344)
So as long as we continue to get caught in the surface level shit, getting reactive to those things, allowing our parts, like our inner children and our protective parts to fight over stupid stuff, we'll never actually change. And sure, there can be some stubborn fucking parts. And you might want to say, like, fuck, I wish you would do some of this work as well. Yeah, maybe. I think everyone will benefit from this work. But there is a time and a place when you are, if you are

To ever suggest that. I had a client this week just just say, you know, I I want to say I want my wife to do a lot of this work because I think she would benefit from so from it so much. And I won't go into the details after what had just happened with him, but I said point blank for him to him, mate. I was like, do not touch that fucking conversation with a ten foot pole right now.

From the experience you just had, if you even hint at bringing that up, the only way that that will be perceived as is a relinquish of your responsibility at this situation.

Harrison Orr (19:18.444)
Because in the wrong context, that's exactly how it will be perceived. If you're trying to do the work and the relationship isn't good and you are saying then to even no matter how you word it, to try and say, Well, I think you know you would benefit s from some coaching too or some therapy or whatever modality you suggest, it is basically saying, This is not all my fault. You need to go and work on yourself too. I'm not taking responsibility for all of this, you go and own your shit.

Harrison Orr (19:48.64)
Now, yes, there's an element of that. It takes two to tango. There's some shit that everybody needs to own. But pushing that to somebody else before you've done it yourself is not helpful. It's not the type of man that you want to be either. That is pointing fingers before he's even looked in in the mirror.

So as you're working through this, expect some of those challenges. And but when you can see them, like like genuinely, when you can see these things for the opportunities that they are, they don't trigger you anymore. They don't frustrate you anymore. Like when you do this work, you regulate your nervous system, you understand the parts of you that have come out in these moments and you genuinely address those parts so they're no longer showing up for you, but you understand how these have have come to be. You can see them in other people.

You see them in in your wife.

From the words, I know I can tell that you're really frustrated and upset right now. And maybe some of that was directed at me, but underneath that I can I feel that you're just you need some reassurance right now. That you really need a safe space right now. And this that is it's not about the dishes. It's not about the thing.

Harrison Orr (21:07.116)
And then you can address that.

And when you can get when you get to that level, it's like you're a fucking mind Jedi. You speak a language and you you you feel things that don't make sense to to words or to logic.

Harrison Orr (21:27.756)
Because they communicate things that that words can't. And I know that sounds confusing for men, but the language that your wife operates out of is feeling, not thinking. She doesn't care that you can repeat the words she just said. She wants to feel heard, not know you can re parrot back exactly what she said. She wants to feel seen and validated.

when she has an experience. She doesn't care about your story or she just your justification. She wants to know that that's a valid feeling or experience for her reality. Don't have to agree with it. But she wants to feel like you genuinely care and can see her side of the story.

For all the hard work that she does for for the house, for the kids, for you, for everything else. She doesn't want the lip service of like, you know, thank you for dinner. Thank you for being mom and being wife and and all this. Thank you for all the work that you put in. Cool, man. Did you write a fucking Hallmark card? Say it from the heart. Say it like you mean it. She wants to feel seen. Say the thing that she doesn't think you even notice. The way the effort that she puts in for the kids' lunchboxes.

The way that she greets the kids when she's tired, fed up, and doesn't want to, but she still puts on that that show and that energy because she fucking loves the kids. The extra efforts that she goes through for you and to make the housework and everything else, the things that get assumed that she d would do, acknowledge those things. Acknowledge the things that she's trying. Like maybe she's trying to get her her pre baby body back because she's not happy in the way that she looks.

Compliment her on that. And not in a you know a sexual way, but like the effort that she's putting in to try and change. Like, babe, I I see that you've been, you know, cleaning up that you've been in eating better. I I see that you've been try making more of an effort to to be active and to go to the gym or to whatever. And you know, I know you're not happy with your body right now and you know that I will always love you and and love your body. But I just wanna say that I I see the effort that you're putting in. And that makes me really proud for

Harrison Orr (23:40.022)
For you to be the mother of my kids and the example that you're setting for them. So thank you.

Like when you actually slow down and you look at people around you, it's not as hard to notice these things. But as long as we're so so focused on us of what I'm not getting, how everything is a personal attack to me, and I'm taking everything taking offense to everything and like trying to defend ourselves and like it's impossible to notice those other things because we're not slowing down. We're not present enough in ourself to be able to look externally.

And see people for who they are, not this shitty little lens that we've put them through.

Harrison Orr (24:24.61)
Now some real talk. One of the hardest things that a lot of people will have to change in their marriage if they want to make it work is the lens that they see each other through.

Like if you have been painting this picture that your partner is this horrible person, that they are out to get you, that they are mean, that they are a narcissist, that they with hold sex because they're just here to torture you, because that they do all these things, and you have that frame. Every single interaction with that person will be filtered through that frame. Doesn't matter what they say, what they do, how kind or loving or generous or whatever it is they do, because you've created that frame.

That's how you'll perceive it.

Harrison Orr (25:12.77)
And if you want the relationship to work, you need to break that frame.

Yeah, I get it. It's hard when because of the way that you've been showing up, maybe your partner has created that frame. She's got a lot of resentment towards you. She doesn't have the trust or respect or the desire that you would like her to. And scary part, you can't force her to break that frame.

But you can show up in a way that contradicts that frame. You can show up in a way that no longer fits that frame. That defensive, that reactive, the one that doesn't lead, the one that's your defaults to whatever you want up to you, the one that got you into the situation. When you don't act like that. Like, yeah, there's gonna be some challenge. There's gonna be some questioning, like, this is weird, like what's going on?

But when you're consistent with that, when you're not phased, when there's when shit hits the fan, when there's stress, when she escalates, whatever, and you're still calm, you still navigate whatever needs to be done. You can still have the hard conversation and stay grounded in yourself and get to a point of understanding and connection. When you don't have to put your selfish needs above hers, you don't pressure her into s into sex and you can actually understand your partner for the human being that they are.

Harrison Orr (26:39.886)
You provide the invitation for her to see you in a different light.

Because of the way that you show up, because of the proof that you're now creating. And yeah, having check-ins or calling that out, like just being mindful of like this is this was different. The way we handled this was different. I like that. Let's do more of this. Can be very helpful. Bring that into the light. But you can't force her to change that.

Harrison Orr (27:12.748)
And for a lot of women, that protective part is on real fucking tight.

So they need a lot of reassurance.

Harrison Orr (27:26.466)
But if you're genuinely in this, if you've done this genuine work for yourself and it's not performative, you'll be showing up this way for yourself. And then you can have that conversation of what does the future look like? This is the relationship that I want us to get to. Are you on board with that? What is the ideal relationship between us look like for you? And now you're working toward a shared goal.

Now you start to get back on the same team. And then now you can hold each other to those those standards. And then and only then you can say, like, hey, I've I've started to notice some of some of these things. I've done some of this work and it's made so much sense of this. Like, you know, here's here's a book, here's a podcast, here's here's something I think would really resonate with with some of these things. Or maybe even before that, hey, are you open to me suggesting something which I think might really help, you know, your your your growth?

Using the words whatever resonates most with them, but it it hits different when it comes from a place of love, not a place of blame. Like I can see these things in in you because I've done them myself. And I can see them because I I know you want to be better. Like I know you don't like these situations. Here is something that we can do about it, that you can do about it.

Harrison Orr (28:54.636)
And that's basically what parenting is when you're on the same team. Like there are so many moments in parenting when maybe one of you says or does something that the other doesn't like. Right? It's just different parenting styles. Like my wife and I do this quite often. We we don't won't do this in front of our son, but the way that we speak to him, speak about him, like I'm I'm particular with language because of

now understanding where all these parts come from and my previous nice guy traits and everything like that. I'm very particular about how my son is praised or punished and rewarded and things like that because I don't want him to have to grow up as a nice guy and have to then undo all the traits that I've only just got to at this point. Like I'd I'm doing my best to make sure that he doesn't grow up with those things. And sure, he might anyway.

But I'm gonna do my best to make sure that he doesn't. And so we get to I don't wanna say call each other out, but hold each other to a standard because we know that we're on the same team. We want to raise him to the best of our po our abilities. And there's gonna be some things where she said where I that I do and she's like, babe, we can do that better. You know, you didn't have to do it that way, this way. And I'm like, Yep, you're right. Okay, I fucked that up. Here, let me go handle it. And we do it different next time.

And then it goes back and forth.

But it's because we're on the same team. And that might sound silly as a like you're your parents. Of course you're on the same fucking team. But if you genuinely don't feel like you're on the same team, those you know, upholding of standards or those pieces of feedback, or you know, if you take things personally, you would label them as criticisms, then we'll they will be taken as personal attacks. Like they will be taken as I'm having a dig at you.

Harrison Orr (30:50.25)
And then the fights start because it's not just about that moment or the parenting style, it's about you. And that's not constructive either.

So remember what we're what you were what we're working towards, first of all, is getting back on the same team. Remembering that we love each other, we're on the same team, we're here to be better, and we're here to help each other be better. Like I heard this quote from this definition quote definition from James Sexton the other day. And he was talking about the purpose of marriage.

And I'm absolutely gonna butcher this, but he said something along the lines and like this this definition actually I I felt this. I was like, wow, that is the best purpose of marriage that I've ever fucking heard. And he said the purpose of marriage, or like I my I my my hope for marriage is that

Harrison Orr (31:57.612)
We help each other to become the best versions of each other. Like you help me to become the best version of me that I can possibly be, and I help you to become the best version of you that you can possibly be. And then at the end of our lives, you are still my favorite person.

And I'm still yours.

Harrison Orr (32:22.646)
Like if that is not the purpose of marriage, what the fuck are we doing? Like I think so many people actually forget to even question like what's the purpose of marriage? Like, maybe tax benefits or we write we pr reproduce and co-parent these kids, or just someone to live in the same house with so we don't get lonely. Like when you think about it like that.

How could you ever not love marriage? How could you think of it any other way?

And I think I I think that's that's fucking beautiful. And when you think about it like that, you get to help each other so much more. Again, 'cause we're on the same team, we're not taking it personally.

Harrison Orr (33:12.11)
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Our wife and our kids are our greatest mentors and reflectors, rep mentors and mirrors, if we allow them to be.

Harrison Orr (33:27.626)
Otherwise, they just become tormentors because we refuse to see them for what they are, which is a mirror of us and how we are showing up.

Harrison Orr (33:43.608)
So there's some expectations for yourself on this journey, what to expect in your like why these challenges actually come up, you know, why these these tests or these challenges come up in marriage. And actually, I want to touch on this. I've heard a people, a few people call talk about shit tests. And I don't know if it's guys from the Manosphere type scenario or who talks about this, but I've heard a couple of people reference this. And I had to go and look it up because I'm like, what specifically is a shit test?

And the way that I heard it described, I think we should just remove that from our voc vocabulary. If you didn't know what this was, then don't worry about it. It basically sounds like a a vindictive person intentionally testing you and trying to continually have you having to prove yourself. Like it sounds it sounds shit, literally for a reason. Let's remove that from our vocabulary. Because if we're saying our partner shit tests

Us, why are we allowing that as a as an acceptable behaviour within the marriage that we supposedly love each other? Like, why am I allowing that label and that activity to go on? And I don't think it's true either. Like, sure, there are some people that are genuinely married to narcissists and evil manipulators and things, but I don't think that's the vast majority of people.

Most people they just have protective parts, parts that are very stubborn and very guarded too.

Harrison Orr (35:22.474)
When we see those things for what they are, we can speak into them for what they are. And then the invitation, like always.

is to have that conversation for them to yeah, you know what, I that's that's what was happening. I was I was overreactive here, I was feeling this. I did need that. Thank you. Or if they're not ready for it, they escalate, they double down, and then that's a different situation. But something that you can deal with when you've only owned your shit and stayed present through that.

Harrison Orr (36:04.972)
Because otherwise it's still a reflection of you. Something that you haven't owned.

Harrison Orr (36:15.214)
So think about how these expectations and how these situations apply to your relationship and how you're showing up right now. No matter where you are in this work, you'll be able to identify some of those moments not as tests in your relationship, but as opportunities. Opportunities to not lose your shit.

When your kid is screaming and having a tantrum and like it's stressed and you want to just yell, you want to you almost want to just hit them, to get them to shut up, to listen, to do what you said. Breathe.

Try another way. Stay calm. The opportunity to show up differently is there. Your wife's comments, the way that you greet her, these are all opportunities to show that you are changing, that you are being intentional, that you are this man and you're not doing it as a performance.

Harrison Orr (37:17.098)
Everything is an opportunity when you see it as such.

Harrison Orr (37:25.826)
So go find the opportunity, pass the test, and I'll see you next time. Bye.