The Story You're Telling Yourself Is Keeping You Stuck l EP. 96 l

The stories you tell yourself determine the life you live.

Your marriage.
 Your confidence.
 Your reactions.
 Your relationship with your wife.
 Your relationship with your kids.

In this episode, I break down how the stories, labels, and beliefs you've attached to yourself and others may be the very thing keeping you stuck.

Most men don't suffer because of reality.

They suffer because of the meaning they've assigned to reality.

We explore:

•  Why your brain filters reality through distortion, deletion, and generalisation 
•  How your personal experiences shape the way you see your wife, kids, and yourself 
•  Why two people can experience the same event completely differently 
•  The dangerous labels men place on themselves and their partners 
•  Why resentment grows when you become attached to a single version of reality 
•  The difference between guilt and shame 
•  How "good" and "bad" are often just stories 
•  Why understanding another person's perspective changes everything 
•  How nice guy patterns are reinforced through identity 
•  Why becoming a stronger man means embracing your full range—not just the parts you like 

I also share why the most powerful question you can ask yourself is:

"What if the story I'm telling myself isn't true?"

Because the moment you challenge the stories that keep you safe, small, and stuck...

you create space for growth.

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Transcript

Harrison Orr (00:05.484)
I'm about to gaslight you into becoming a better husband, father, and man. If it triggers you, you're welcome.

Harrison Orr (00:14.914)
You're listening to the Be Bet It podcast. I'm Harris Noor. And after being a reactive, nice guy that was on the brink of divorce, I managed to lead myself and lead my marriage into a place of deep connection and fulfillment. And now I help successful men to do the same. One of the the things that gets us into the situation that we have in life in is our the story that we tell ourselves. Right. There are constant stories that we tell ourselves about what certain things mean, about what type of

person we are, about what type of person our wife is, the intentions of our wife, of our kids, of everybody else. And that's what fuels our emotional reactions to things. That's what fuels our, because of our emotional reaction to things, our then behavior towards certain things or our withdrawal from certain things. And if you are not in a place of absolute

Bliss in life. You are not at absolute perfection, which, if you're saying yes, you're a fucking liar and be real with yourself, then there are some stories in your life that are not serving you. Or sorry, I'll reframe that. They have been serving you to keep you safe, to keep you small, to keep you exactly where you are. So recognize that everything that you've been doing up until now, the the habits that you have, the stories that you have.

About yourself and the world, the lens that you see the world through, the protective parts that are running your life, they are the perfect strategy to get you to this point in life. And they have been working fantastically. Now, if you want to continue to get more of what you've got, then continue to use the same strategy. But if you want to have a different outcome, if you want to be on a different trajectory, if you want to be a different, a better

Man, husband, father, create a better marriage, create a better life, be a better role model for your kids, then something in that fundamental mix has to change. And until we can actually put our ego aside for a second and look at ourself and our actions and our life humbly, we'll never be able to truly change. Because as long as we still have these stories that keep our

Harrison Orr (02:36.522)
Our ego safe, our self image safe, keep us safe from acknowledging fault, acknowledging that we didn't know something, acknowledging that we fucked up, acknowledging that like we are just not the type of person that we think we are. Like and until we can do that, we're not gonna be able to actually change. Any any behavioral change or short term change you might be able to to muster up is just gonna be another mask.

Just gonna be another facade that you can keep up with for a little bit, but sooner or later that musk comes down and then you're right back where you started. So we need to be able to look at the stories that we tell ourselves about who we are, the labels that we put on ourselves and and life and other people.

With a question mark.

Now how this is vitally important, not just for your no sorry, this is vitally important, not just for your growth, but also for your marriage and understanding other human beings. Because when you can question your version of reality, you can see that you can sorry open your your lens of the world to maybe accept that somebody else has another version of their reality. And it's not

Mine is right and yours is wrong, it's simply a different perspective. So consider this. At any given point in time, there is hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of bits of information available to you, to to our to us, to our brain, at any given point in time. Like right now, there is everything that I can see.

Harrison Orr (04:24.482)
There is the colors of things, the shapes of things, there's the sound of things, there's the smell of things, there's the feeling sensation of things, there's ev all of those things. The the taste, you know, the cacao that's lingering in my mouth from the drink I had two minutes ago. There's all these bits of information. But our brain cannot process all of it. Like we would go fucking insane. Like I don't know if you've ever spoken to someone who has a photographic memory, you know, the who rem quote unquote remembers everything.

And most people seem to think, what a superpower that would be. They're like, no, it's horrible. My brain never turns off. It's remembering completely irrelevant details. That's a that can be a bug. Like that's a fault, not a superpower like a lot of people would assume it would be. So what has to happen? Sorry, okay. We can only, out of all those hundreds of thousands, if not millions of bits of information, there's a specific number to this. I forget what it is. I think it's like.

one hundred and thirty seven thousand or one point three seven million, something along along those lines, bits of information. And we can only perceive like 130 bits. We can our brain can only process 130 bits of information at any given point in time. So the computer nerds can take those numbers and put those into computer data metrics and things like that. And you realize

Wow, shit, there's a big difference between what's available and what's processed. Yes, my friend. Because our brain runs through these filters. It runs through the filter of distortion, deletion, and generalization. Like, okay, what can I delete? You know, your brain's subconsciously running through this filter. What can I delete about the information available? Well, he doesn't need to know what his socks feel like on his feet right now because that's not th threatening to his survival.

So we can delete that one. It's not important that he remembers what color that square on you know on his wall was. So we can delete that. And it goes through all these little things because they're not fucking relevant. And then it will generalize. it was, you know, did we see the c the keys? yeah, they were over there in that vicinity somewhere. I I remembered enough to know that I saw them, but like not specific enough to know exactly where. It was like in that direction or in that room. Right. Or I've seen them today.

Harrison Orr (06:49.708)
And then it distorts. It compiles things in our information available into the lens in which we see the world. So if I deem certain things as good or bad, it will distort that reality to make it fit with my map of the world, so to speak. And so because of the information available, the filters that have been running in my subconscious mind, which are formed based on

All of my experiences in life up until this point, what I've been rewarded for, what I've been punished for, what moments caused an emotional spike versus nothing at all will determine all of those to get down to these funny, tiny little hundred and thirty seven bits.

And so simply mathematically, even if I'm sitting directly next to someone else in this experience right now, mathematically, there is a huge chance that they experience things, that they see things, that they remember things that I do not, simply because of the information available and because of their filters. Right? You can and you to give the example, you this is quite a

extreme example, but say you and your friend are walking through a park. You have fond memories of of a park. You're like, I remember playing there as a kid. I remember we used to throw the frisbee and have picnics here. And you're just, you know, reminiscing and just having a great old time, right? Not really stressed out, not really, really worried.

But your friend, you're in the exact same park right now. In this moment in time, you're in the exact same park. However, your friend, when they were younger, or maybe not too long ago, they saw someone get shot in this park. Or they got they had some very scary experience. They got no, I'm not gonna use that word, they got approached by some old pervert, right? That something traumatic, if you will, happened to them.

Harrison Orr (08:55.448)
They are going to see certain landmarks in this park and feel a very different response. They're going to have a level of anxiety that has nothing to do with the moment right now, but because of what their brain is picking up and registering as a threat response, they're going to respond very differently.

And so when we recognize that other people will have different versions of reality, different experiences, we can open our lens to say, like, huh, maybe I'm not right. Maybe there is inf other information available, maybe there's another experience available that can help me to maybe expand my view of the world or help me to at least understand the other person a little bit better. That's why people have different views on on movies, right? You ever been to a movie and people will have different recollections of what it was.

What it was about. Different things that were good, different things were bad. Because different things stand out to different people for those reasons.

And so now you're like, okay, cool. Now I'm I'm understanding that there's so much more available. Maybe my my my view on the world isn't right. It's like, okay, amazing. Now when we can look at now we're getting to the point where, okay, there's all of that available. That was my experience. My experience, my truth, if you will, you know, Rick's replaced experience with truth. My truth doesn't mean the truth.

I'm sure you've heard the saying there's my truth, her truth, and the truth in any relationship. When we can question ourselves to say, well, that was my experience. Maybe that wasn't the same for somebody else. I wonder what they experienced. And then we get to understand them a little bit better. And then we realize, huh, they weren't just having a dig at me. They were just stressed out from the day and really frazzled. Or they had this experience last time and that's why they said this thing or behaved this way.

Harrison Orr (10:54.22)
That makes sense.

Harrison Orr (10:59.254)
When you can honestly get to that point of, you know, we're not always going to get there because there's so many deep seated childhood needs that were meant, not meant, and experiences that create why we behave the way that we do. But if you can at least on a s on a on some level understand another human being, at least about them in them them in that moment, you can understand well, well, they had this type of day.

Or they were stressed out, or they were feeling this, or they thought that I meant this, or they took it this way, that's why they said the thing, and get to a point of, well, that makes sense. If I had had that kind of day, or if I thought you meant this way, or if I took it that way, then I probably would have felt that way too. I probably would have said something similar. I probably would have taken offense to it, whatever it is. Doesn't mean we're agreeing with the other person. It doesn't mean we're saying that we're wrong.

It just means that, I can validate that other person's experience. Because what's worth recognizing, so many people like to get on their high horse and say, Well, well, if I was in that position, I wouldn't have done that, or I wouldn't have said that. And, you know, well, if they just behave like me, and if everyone was like me, then the world would be so much better. Like, shut the fuck up, respectfully. Because there is zero proof to say that if you had lived that person's life in every painstaking moment.

Every high, every low, every moment of their life up until that point, there is zero, zero evidence to say that you wouldn't have done the exact same thing.

Zero.

Harrison Orr (12:44.096)
And when you play it out and you look at some of the people in the world right now that everyone's like, that's a horrible they're a horrible person. They did these things. Yeah, maybe. If if they did what they what everyone's saying they they did, then like, yeah, some of these people are it's atrocious.

Harrison Orr (13:02.28)
And there is zero evidence to say that if you had lived their life you wouldn't have done the exact same thing. Now I don't say that to condone other people's behaviour. I say it to understand people.

This is a wild one. But there is something if you truly if we truly understood why Hitler was so against eradicating an entire race, if we put ourselves in his position, if we had lived his life and had his beliefs, there is zero evidence to say that we wouldn't have been so strongly determined to take the actions that he took as well.

So again, we're not saying it's right or wrong, but I'm saying if we can understand the other person's perspective, it can make a hell of a lot more sense. Which then leads me to the argument of good and bad, right and wrong. Good and bad are just labels.

And if you've been listening to this my podcast long enough, you probably know I have a stance that there's no good or bad. It's all contextual. Like think about some of the worst things that have happened in your life. Some of the moments that were really bad or you that you labeled as as bad.

What opportunities happened after that? What things became available to you? What levels of learning or understanding or perspective? What happened after that that weren't available to you before that happened?

Harrison Orr (14:35.768)
So probably some good things, right? So a quote unquote bad thing happened, some some new information or new opportunities became available, and then maybe a quote unquote good thing happened. Hmm. So was the first thing ever really bad to begin with?

Maybe, maybe not. I'll I'm definitely gonna butcher it, but I'll tell you this this tale that highlights this point. There's a old Chinese farmer who has a a son who helps him to crop the fields and whatnot. They got rice fields and all that good stuff. And his son is out harvesting all the crops and then

Harrison Orr (15:32.782)
Actually, I'm definitely gonna butcher this. There's he's out harvesting the crops with the horse. And then the horse runs off, right? Something spooks it and the the horse runs off. And then so now the boy has to do it by hand. And then you know the people in the town find out and they're like, that's such bad luck. You know, that that's no good. And then the old the old Chinese man's like, Yeah, we'll see. And then week later, their horse comes back with

A whole her a whole pack of Brumbies. So now he's gone from having one horse to zero horses to now he's got six horses. And everyone's like, wow, that's so lucky. That's so lucky. He's like, well, we'll see. And then a couple weeks later, the son is riding one of the horses as he's you know plowing the the fields and doing doing his work, falls off, breaks his leg, now can't work the fields, now can't contribute to anything. And everyone's like, wow, that's so unlucky.

We'll see. The next morning. Recruitment knocks on the door. We're going to war. We're enlisting all the boys of age. Where's your son? he's over in the corner, he's got a broken leg. he's no good to us. He can stay here. Off they go. The boy doesn't get shipped off to war.

Harrison Orr (16:55.032)
Again. you're so you're so lucky. Maybe.

The point of the story is we don't know what's coming up next. Is what has happened to us good fate or bad fate? Or f just fate to begin with? When we can remove those labels of that was good, that was bad, that was a good she's a good person, he's a bad person, whatever it is, we can it changes the lens that we see things through. Because as soon as we see something as bad and we have these negative emotions towards things.

Then we it changes our behavior. Our desire to interact with them or to do things about them goes down. When we feel good about something, our des our behavior changes towards it because we feel good about it, we feel motivated, inspired by it, but we want to do it, we look forward to it. And so if we label a person as bad, right? They're just a nagging bitch, she's always on my case, she's this, she's that.

Or he's such a prick, he never listens, he's self-self absorbed so self-absorbed, he's this, he's that. We then experience everything that they do through that lens. Now, it may have nothing to do with those traits. But because we've painted that lens, that's how we interpret it. And it taints everything moving forward. Like of the guys that I work with, one of the depending on for the guys that are you know deep into

I guess resentment territory, if I could phrase it like that, in their in their marriage. One of the often hardest but most necessary things for them to do if they want to save their marriage is to let go of that frame that they've been seeing their wife through or their partner through. Like if you've built up this resentment of they're a narcissist, they're controlling, they're this, they're that, they're like

Harrison Orr (18:53.792)
Insert all of the horrible labels that you've attached to them to justify your story and make you feel better about yourself and why they're such a horrible person and you're just the victim and it's all their fault and yada yada yada. If you actually want to not even just save the marriage, like if they are the parent of your child or children and you want to at least have a somewhat amicable or friendly relationship with them, just at least for the kids' sake, you're gonna have to break that lens.

You're gonna have to put those labels aside and start to see them through something that's more constructive.

And that's one of the most beautiful things about this frame is that we get to choose the lens in which we see life through. And this is where the gaslighting comes in. Because you get to question your own reality. Well, I saw it this way and I felt this way. But what if it wasn't like that? What if the way that I interpret it wasn't the way that it was intended? This thing that I'm feeling bad about or that I thought was a bad thing, what if it's actually a good thing?

What if something better is coming for me along the along the way? What if me making these changes right now wasn't actually to save this marriage? Marriage, what if this was already gone? What if it was just so I could be a better role model and parent for my kids and set a better example there? And it's actually to set me up for the next relationship, which is the thing that I'm actually meant for or the the path that I'm meant for in life. You'll only know in hindsight. But in hindsight, it'll be like, it all makes sense now. It was all part of the plan.

If you believe in God or the universe, like fate or insert your label here, there's always there's that talk of God's plan, of the the universe's blueprint, of like destiny, of fate. Whatever you choose to believe in.

Harrison Orr (20:46.338)
And in hindsight, it all got you here. All the the ups and downs, the the side turns and twists and everything has got you here.

And it'll continue to be that way.

But when you choose to see when you choose to choose how you see life, everything else will change. Take failure, for example. So many people are paranoid and afraid of of failure, like, if I get it wrong, if I make a mistake, it's the end of the world. It means I'm not good enough. It means that I'm not worthy. It means that I'm a failure of a human. I'm an incompetent man. I my wife is gonna leave me and like this full story. But making mistakes is human.

You've made countless mistakes to get to this point in life. And yet she's still here. You're still alive. You still have everything that you have in life. Like the amount of failures that you've had in life significantly outweigh the amount of success you've had.

Already.

Harrison Orr (21:53.302)
What if you actually intentionally believe that? That my failures will always outweigh my successes, but true failure is only failure when I actually stop trying. And what if the things that I want took it was an exchange, right? It's a learning process. You say you want to I don't know what you w you say you want to be a better husband, right? You you you want to handle these these conflicts better, right? As a relevant example here. And

I said, okay, cool, man. This is the process and you're gonna fuck it up for the next twenty times before you get it.

Now, weak men will be like, I don't want to fuck it up twenty times and then just not even try. Right? Not worth it. Cool. I don't you're probably not listening to this podcast if you're one those guys. But on the other hand, you're like 20 times, cool. Let's see if I can knock them out in a week. Let's see if I can knock them out in a day. And you then say, Okay, cool. That was the first fuck up. I see where I di I

See my old pattern. I see what I did wrong. I see what I can do better. Now next time I'm gonna do better. Like it I didn't catch it in the moment this time, but next time I'm gonna catch it in the moment instead of getting defensive and going down that path. Next moment. Okay. I feel it happening. I'm about to get defensive. You know what? Time out. Pause. Cool. Okay, cool. It still happened. I didn't catch it like in the moment. I still said something that I wasn't super proud of, but I I repaired it. It was better than last time. Cool. Next time.

Boom, a little bit better. Next time, a little bit better. Boom. Until you get to the point where those moments, you just automatically want to understand the other person. You just stay calm. You don't even have to think about, don't say the thing, bite your tongue, let it finish, whatever the the script you have in your head is.

Harrison Orr (23:46.53)
Because you went through process. Now that process is is significantly easier when you address the identity component and the protective parts of you and understand that loop instead of just trying to white knuckle your way through behavior change. But that's another episode. So when we view quote unquote failure or these misattempts as just learning experience, well, wouldn't you want to learn faster to get to the end result? To have the

The skill, be the man, have the trait, whatever it is that you want to have.

Which then leads me to opportunity cost. If you say you want to be a t certain type of man, you say you want to be the lighthouse in the storm, you say you want to be patient, you say you want to be the calm one in emotional stress and chaos, you say you want to have these traits, you say you want to be a man of integrity, you want to be congruent with your word, you want to just be firm, be able to say no, and be someone that people people lean on. You will not just wake up one day and poof,

Thanks, Jeannie. I've now got all these traits that I prayed for. You will get opportunities to earn them. In the same way that you say you want your wife to trust you, you want your wife to respect you, to be attracted to you, to like to you want to create a safe space for her. You get opportunities to to prov to prove this, to provide this. You you pick a direction. She pushes back. Are you sure? What about this? What about that?

And then that's your opportunity to either provide reassurance and to start to create that rest that confidence, that trust, that respect, that safe place, or you get reactive, you get defensive, and then proves he's not ready yet. I was right to challenge him because he lost the plot just at the slightest bit of friction. Cool. When we see these as the opportunities that they are, we actually get to lean into them.

Harrison Orr (25:46.418)
beautiful. I said I wanted this trait. This is where I get to earn it. I said I wanted to be patient. I'm now having to wait for things. I'm now having to stay consistent without seeing results. I am getting to earn that the traits that I said I wanted. I'm getting to build the undeniable fucking proof that I am who I say I am.

We aren't we don't become the man that we want by just simply repeating affirmations in the mirror and saying, I am strong, I am calm, I am grounded. Like, nah, motherfucker. You get opportunities to prove that. And whether you pass the test, whether you see that as the opportunity to earn that trait, or you repeat past patterns and protective patterns and get defensive and reactive and just withdraw, whatever your flavor is.

It just shows that okay, you're gonna need to par like take this opportunity and pass it a couple more times. You gotta go round a roundabout a couple more times, my man, before you can get off.

When we see these, we change the way that we see these moments, it changes the way that we live our life. Like it removes so much unnecessary stress, so many unnecessary labels of ourself, of our partner, of the world, of what's happening to us, like of unnecessary meaning. Like side note, that's all shame is. Like guilt is an incongruence between you and your values.

Right. You you know you value one thing, but your actions were incongruent with that. That's what guilt is, because you know you should have done better. Shame is the story that you tell yourself about something that happened. It is nothing more than a story. And when you can see that logically that is not true, that I did a bad thing, therefore I am a bad person. That's not true.

Harrison Orr (27:50.498)
There are you make mistakes. You didn't get it right.

And that's it. That doesn't have to be a a marker on your identity. If you did the same thing a thousand times and it was a repetitive pattern and that's like that was your identity, then most definitely that's that's who you are, man, at that point. But from one event, taking that and saying, Therefore I am this type of person.

Is simply a story. And that's where shame's built. Logically when you can see that that is that is not true and you can s then look for proof externally, you can start to break that pattern of shame.

Harrison Orr (28:37.59)
Now I hope this is helping you to question the reality that you're of yourself and you're experiencing right now. Because look at the you know, going back to the the good or bad, look at all the traits that you maybe say that you have and love that you have and the ones that you reject. How many nice guys hold themselves in such high regard of like, I'm a nice guy, I'm a good person, I'm I'm gentle, I'm compassionate, I'm like all these things. And then you say, Cool, can you are you aggressive?

no, no, that's not me. Like, are you like a fighter or can you you are you all like those those things? Are you a narcissist? Are you can controlling? Are you all those side of the spectrums? no, no, that's that's not me. I would never do that. You know, that's a toss toxic masculine trait. That's all these things. And they won't own it.

But in fact you are everything.

Harrison Orr (29:31.84)
If you cannot be sorry, a strong man is everything. A weak man is not someone who never has aggression or never has anger.

Because it's not strength if you don't have it.

Harrison Orr (29:50.296)
Strength is the ability to have the range of emotions, the range of capabilities, and knowing when to use them.

If I am aggressive towards my wife when she says, Hey, did you bring the milk home? Is that correct use of aggression? Fuck no. If someone physically threatens my son or my wife,

And is going to continue unless I step in. Is that an appropriate use of aggression? Fucking oath it is.

There is always context.

A strong man is a man who has the capacity for everything and knows when to use it.

Harrison Orr (30:38.54)
That is the is a man worth being in my eyes. The man that can fight, can be aggressive when he needs to be, can be controlling, can be compassionate, can be soft, can be loving, can be creative, can be curious, can also be fucking strict, is like do not cross that boundary. Like and has that don't fuck with me energy. But can be playful and lighthearted as well.

And that that is the expression knowing you have those traits is where true power, strength, and confidence comes from. Because you know your capabilities.

And you know that you have them under control.

And that's what creates safety with your wife and your kids. That you have that capacity and it's under control.

Harrison Orr (31:41.016)
So think about some of the stories you've been telling yourself, the labels that you've attached to yourself and your situation and maybe your partner. And look at the ones that have been keeping you in this story. Like a common one. Man, I've tried counseling, I've tried, you know, therapy, I've tried books and courses and podcasts. I've tried all this stuff to change, and nothing works. And I I can't save my marriage. Cool, man.

Are you what's the story that you're telling yourself here? Are you telling yourself that you're the man who tries to fix his marriage or the man that fucking fixes his marriage? Is are you the man that's working on himself or the man that's actually showing up and doing the work? Like, are you telling yourself a story that's creating a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Because some people pride themselves on being the man who tries.

They only do what's comfortable.

Yeah, yeah. I turned up to th to therapy and I did these courses like, cool. Did you implement what was what was given? Did you show up fully, like a man ready to change? Or did you just show up, swipe your credit card, and hope that that would fix your problem? Hope that they'd just give you a neck new sex position and date night idea, question to ask to understand your partner better, and then you'd be on your way.

Harrison Orr (33:09.122)
This work takes looking in the mirror. It takes ownership. It takes some uncomfortable fucking moments.

And it's worth it.

It is so worth it to have this level of peace and freedom in who you are and not be tied to external validation. And getting to show up as that version of you, not just for yourself, but for your wife and also for your kids. Because you become the permission slit for them to be themselves as well. And know that they can make a mistake and still be loved. And that their love isn't determined by what anybody else thinks of them.

Because you can't give your kids what you do not have yourself. So all the patterns and habits that you have right now that you are not breaking. You are unconsciously burdening them with these same patterns. So if you don't want your daughters to grow up and create a have a marriage exactly like yours, because she will seek out a partner just like you because of what how you've treated their mother and how she's treated you, they will see that as normal.

They will see that as that's what love is, that's what a relationship looks like. And they will seek that out. If you wouldn't be happy with your son growing up exactly like you are, not just your strengths, but all of your traits, all of your insecurities, all of your patterns, the way that you handle conflict or avoid it, the way that you look to other people to tell you how to feel, what to think.

Harrison Orr (34:47.724)
the type of relationship that you're in, the quality of friends that you have.

If you're not happy with one of those single things

You have the power to change it.

Otherwise, now that you see that, it's not unknowingly. It's knowingly passing that on to your kids.

Harrison Orr (35:14.689)
So stick with that for a minute.

Harrison Orr (35:19.352)
Don't be sorry. Just be better. Bye.