What If Fixing Your Marriage Isn't Even The Goal? l EP. 103 l

Most people treat "nice guy" like a life sentence. Even the guy who coined the term still calls himself a recovering nice guy. I reject that completely.

Being a nice guy isn't one trait you manage forever. It's a handful of protective parts that formed for a reason, usually somewhere back in childhood, and once you see it that way you can actually work with each one instead of trying to overcorrect into the opposite extreme and becoming an arsehole about it.

In this episode I get into why the order of respect in your life matters more than almost anything else, why the way you judge other people is usually a mirror of what you haven't dealt with in yourself, and the feather, brick, bus framework that explains why most men only change after everything falls apart, instead of catching the signs months earlier.

I also talk about what it actually means to give to your wife and kids without an invoice attached, why "just listen to your feelings" is terrible advice for someone who's currently unhappy with their life, and the hard question I ask clients who are on the fence about whether to fight for their marriage or walk away: what would you tell your own son to do in this exact situation.

This one goes deeper than marriage. It's about becoming a man who doesn't need anyone's permission to respect himself.

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Transcript

Harrison Orr (00:03.648)
Outgrowing nice guy traits is not just about saving your marriage. It's not just about not being a people pleaser. It's actually one of the strongest and most powerful things you can ever do in your life.

Harrison Orr (00:17.464)
You're listening to the Be Better Podcast, I'm Harrison Orr, and after being a reactive nice guy who almost destroyed his marriage, I've now evolved out of those nice guy traits, and I now help other men to do to do the same so that they can live in a marriage that they absolutely fucking love. The problem I see with a lot of people talking about nice guy traits, nice guy syndrome, is first of all, that

It's just this thing that you just never get over, right? It's this lifelong sentence that you just manage, right? Even Dr. Robert Glover, the guy who created the term, you know, did all that research, all that work, and even he says he'll forever be a recovering nice guy. Which I fundamentally fucking reject. Because I believe

That being a nice guy is not one label, right? It's a collection of protective parts. And when we see it as such, then we can break it down and we can actually work with each individual one.

Because when you say like I'm a nice guy, what do I do about that? well, you're an why are you a nice guy? Well you're a nice guy because of these traits or because this thing happened in your childhood. Okay, but what do I do about it? And then so the common thought process for a lot of men is then, well, if I'm a nice guy because I say yes too often.

Well, I'll start saying no. If I'm a nice guy because I don't state my knees, because I don't set boundaries, because I let people walk all over me, then I'll just go and do the opposite. Right? Which makes logical sense. But when it's still coming from a reactive, nice guy energy, it won't land the same way. And I think this is why so many people have this this hesitancy or this resistance.

Harrison Orr (02:07.798)
to to masculinity, to evolving some of these traits. Because I think like, well, the opposite of being a people pleaser, then you've got to be an asshole. Like the opposite of a nice guy is, you know, the the typical jerk type type stereotype. And that if you set boundaries, then you push people away and you make people feel like shit and you're just this arrogant, self-centered asshole and like all these nasty things. And

If you've had those viewpoints before, like I definitely used to as well, and if but if someone ha projects that onto you as you're making these changes, recognize that that's literally all it is, is a projection. It's a projection of something that they have experienced in their life and they have associated with that label or with that trait. Or they have taken the extreme opposite viewpoint of the trait.

Right, like sure, if you want to stop being a people pleaser, then yeah, you're gonna say no. Like, yeah, you're gonna upset some people because you've realized that people only liked you because you said yes and did what they wanted you to, so they really used you, they didn't actually like you. But taking it to its extreme, sure you can be an arsehole about it. But and some people might label you as an asshole, for sure, but

Recognize that just because you say no to people, just because you put yourself first, they are allowed to see you as an asshole. You will be to them, but that doesn't make you one. Because they might think that it's personal. They might take it offensively. They might

Get upset by that because they're used to like, what do you mean? You're the guy who always says yes. You're the guy who bends over backwards. You're the guy that always, you know, does works overtime, always does the things, always, you know, puts everybody else first. What do mean, no? Because now it's inconvenient for them. And so it's much easier for them to say, he's lazy, he's an asshole, he's this, because now they have to pick up the slack because you've set a boundary, you've said no. The fundamental

Harrison Orr (04:25.402)
Difference in someone who is a nice guy versus someone who is evolved out of the nice guy trades is their order of respect. And by extension, I would even say value and love. As a nice guy

They put everybody else's opinion of them, how much they respect them, how much they like them, how much they love them, how much they value them. They put all everybody else's viewpoints on all of those things above their own. So they will put themselves dead last about how they feel about themselves. But as long as

The clients still respect them. As long as, you know, their wife still loves them, as long as and sleeps with them, as long as these other people tell them that they're good, that they're okay, that they're deserving, that they're valuable, that they're all these things, then they get their needs met. But it often comes at the sacrifice of their own self-respect and self-love because they don't have any for themselves. That's why they externalize it to other people.

Which when you look at a lot of the nice guy traits is often w especially the people pleasing one, is where it stems from. At some point in their childhood a part of them learnt that you are not good enough as your own. You're only valuable when you do what mum and dad ask you to. You're only valuable when you help out around the house. You're only valuable. We only like you. We only give you attention. You only get the positive reinforcements when

You're not a moment's bother. You listen and do what you're told. You shut up. You say yes. Maybe you you said no once and you got punished for it. Moments like that create this part, this story in their mind that, if I say no, people aren't gonna like me. If I'm an inconvenience, if I'm not doing things for other people, then I have no inherent value. And left unchecked.

Harrison Orr (06:26.242)
That plays out into adulthood and then into marriage. And then one of the great the heaviest weights that we can give our partner is the responsibility of telling us that we're okay. That we don't believe we are enough as we are. So we need them to say that you are enough, that you are loved, that you are worthy, that you are like accepted and liked.

And so many men go down the route of trying to achieve that through the money that they make, through the house, the lifestyle, the holidays, the cars that they buy for their wife and their kids and everybody else, because they don't feel like they're enough on their own. And

Oftentimes what happens is it becomes a projection. They think that other people only like them for what they do for them because that's the value they've placed on themselves. They think that they are only valuable because of the money they make, because of the things that they provide for their family, because of all the things they do for their family, not because of who they are. Because if they were to actually look in the mirror, maybe they wouldn't like what they sell saw.

Maybe they would find more reasons not to like them, not to love themselves than the opposite.

And so the way that we ex be expect other people to treat us and to to see us is a mirror of how we see ourselves. I literally had this conversation with a client yesterday and he had this inner critic who thought everyone was gonna judge him. He's like, well I can't say I'm good at something because if I'm if I'm not good, then you know they're gonna judge me and people are gonna think I'm an idiot, they're gonna think I'm gonna s they're gonna think that I'm stupid and all these things.

Harrison Orr (08:17.004)
Is that amazing man? Okay, so you think that they are thinking that of you, right? How much of that do you think about yourself already? And how much do you think that way about other people as well?

Okay, so it's not really that you have proof of other people thinking that or believing that, it's that that's how you feel about yourself and that's how you view other people. So it would make perfect sense that you would expect other people to see you in that same light. Yeah? Instead of, well, if I view other people with compassion, other people with curiosity and and understanding and maybe give them the benefit of the doubt, then I can view myself in that same light, and then well

Maybe other people show me that same reciprocity of viewing me in the same light. But if they don't, I can understand of okay, that's just a protective part. You know, they're what they're seeing in me, maybe maybe they like to project incompetence, maybe they like to project all these nasty things. That's okay. That's probably just how they feel about themselves. And I don't say that from a condescending place, but that's coming from a projection. Like we can only see in other people what we see in ourself.

So all the positive traits that you see in other people, all the traits that you like about other people, maybe it's their humor, maybe it's their style, maybe it's their discipline, their work ethic, their your love for the gym and health, whatever it is, you see that and you re resonate with that because you love that about yourself as well. It's something that you're you take pride in, maybe. But on the flip side, the things that you judge other people for, maybe it's their weight.

Maybe it's the way that they treat their partner. Maybe it's their financial position. Maybe it's the house that they live in, the car that they drive, whatever else it is, the things that you judge them for are the things that you are also self-conscious about. The things that you feel like you don't have dialed in as much as you'd like. So it's much easier to see it in other people. Like it's very easy to criticize other people. Well, you're unorganized, you're late, you're this, you're that. Amazing.

Harrison Orr (10:30.39)
Where is that true for you as well?

Harrison Orr (10:35.288)
Because a lot of the time that criticism is birthed from a place of insecurity in ourself. And it's much easier to project that to somebody else than at the mirror where it comes straight back.

So the beautiful thing about this nice guy work and this this whole inner process is recognizing that the conversations and the understanding and the love that we have for the parts of us, the people pleasing part, the defensive part, the reactive part, the inner critic, like all these separate parts, is the exact s is just a merely a reflection of the relationship that we'll also have with the external world.

Like the rel the type of conversations that we have with these parts about understanding them, about reassuring them, about validating, about all these things are the exact same conversations that we often end up having with our wife and with our kids. And when we realize that everybody operates at some level from a point of safety and protection,

Then we can take things significantly less personally. Realize like, it's not really about me. They've just had something happen in their life that they feel they need to protect themselves from right now. And I can either give them more of a reason to act that way by being a douchebag and being an asshole and then escalating this. Or I can recognise that that's just a protective part of them that maybe needs some reassurance or needs something right now.

that it didn't get in the past. And so I get to break that pattern.

Harrison Orr (12:19.04)
In life we get to choose our story. We get to choose the story that we tell ourselves, which dictates our behaviors, which dictates our feelings and the way that we show up. And so if we get to choose that, why would you not choose that that aligns that allows you to take things less personally, to show up in a way that you actually enjoy, rather than thinking that everyone's an asshole, everyone's out to get you and you're just a victim and boo hoo hoo.

Like I don't think that it serves some people because it's easier to play the victim than it is to take ownership and do the work. But it doesn't positively serve anyone. So we get to choose.

But one of the most the the deepest work in addressing these protective parts and these nice guy behaviours is the reordering of

Harrison Orr (13:17.474)
The respect and the love and whose values matter. Because like I said before, the nice guy puts everybody else ahead of himself. And so he will do whatever whatever anybody else wants him to to make sure that he is still liked, he is still loved, he is still accepted, and he gets approved. Once you overcome those parts, you unblend from those parts, you get to a place of your love, your respect.

your value being at the very tip top and no one else's competes with that.

Harrison Orr (13:57.805)
When you love yourself, when you respect yourself, when you value yourself more than anybody else, more than what anybody else can tell you, then being able to say no, being able to set a boundary, being able to make a decision, to lead yourself in your marriage, being able to show up as that confident, authentic version of you that you know is in there becomes second nature. It's

by definition authentic. Like it comes effortlessly because that's who you are. Right? Because as long as you are acting in alignment with who you are, with your values, you know that you can operate from a s place of self respect and say like, cool, I appreciate that's true for you. But you know, that's that's not how I see things.

That's amazing that you want to go and do that, but you know, that's that's not for me. You can count me out. Thank you, but no, thank you. Right? You can say thank you, you can set a boundary, you can do all these things that I definitely used to be so fucking afraid of. And I know a lot of nice guys are afraid of the rejection of what happens if they say no, what happens if they think I'm this or that. Like you can do all those things from a calm, grounded place because you lead with self respect.

Leading with self-respect doesn't mean that you disrespect other people. It doesn't mean that by that you're then automatically saying fuck you to everybody else, and it's you know it has to be you versus them. It's like, cool, man, I love that for you, but it's not for me. And if they want to still take that personally, that's for them. Right? That's where we get to this line of everything in life is a reflection and a projection. Their response.

They the way that people respond to us and the things that we experience in life. We can see as a maybe reflection. Cool. What is especially if I'm having an emotional reaction to this? What's here for me to own? Okay, I'm feeling a little bit unsure now. Cool, maybe I'm not fully certain in myself right now. Maybe I was a little bit performative here. Maybe my delivery was a little bit off. Maybe my tone was a little bit sharp. Maybe I I did say I did I I did misspeak. I did do something that or say something that

Harrison Orr (16:11.318)
Maybe didn't land or didn't come across the way that I intended. Cool. I can always get better. I can I can own that. But there there comes a line where we can then say, Okay, cool. I'm open to that and I'm also open to the fact that this is a projection of w what's going on inside that person.

Harrison Orr (16:34.892)
Now that's not always an easy line to to draw, but I feel the more that we are conscious of these, the more that we can see what's there for us to take and learn from, and see what is not there for us. Because taking everything on board will just destroy you over time. Because you could absolutely nail, like you could nail the

The regulated nervous system. You could nail the calm voice, you could nail the delivery, the words, like the whole thing. And then you're dealing with an absolute narcissistic peasant who still wants to try and gaslight you and flip the story and like take things sideways and all all the things. If you then try to then dig too deep into well, that's all my fault, I need to own all like all of it, you'll drive yourself insane.

So there's the line of like, okay, what am what can I learn from this? What's here because it's the refle reflection for me. And then which one is the projection of them? And the more that you get to exercise this, the more that you get to unblend from these parts and operate from that self energy, that authentic energy, the more you can learn lean into that that gut feeling, that intuition of knowing what that looks like where that line is for you.

Especially if you're in a relationship with someone who is difficult. I don't just mean a romantic relationship, but whether it's a business relationship or it's a sibling or maybe a parent or sibling-in-law, anything like that.

Knowing what you stand for and being able to hold that boundary, hold that self respect, hold that standard. One of the hardest things, and I hope that I never have to get to this point, is

Harrison Orr (18:37.09)
When you have to get to the to a point of walking away from a marriage, from a relationship. And there are some times where you can change as much as you can change. You can you can grow. You can own all your shit, all your flaws, you can work on all your paths and your behaviors, and you can make all those changes. But if the other person isn't committed to the relationship.

The other person doesn't want to see the changes. They're holding onto the lens that you are the problem and that it's all your fault. And they refuse to let go of that. Because it's easier for them to hold on to that lens, for them to maybe put that down and then realize like, shit, now I'm a pretty heavy contender for the state of the marriage. And that's what gonna gonna require me to change. That's not an easy conversation to have or an easy process to do.

Harrison Orr (19:29.55)
But eventually you get to a point where I I want more than this. I want I want better than this. Because it's my life and that's the standard that I want to live. But I feel like we can only get to that point once we have done that work, once we have owned all our shit, we have done that parts work, we have been consistent on everything. Like being real, think of how long you were repeating the patterns that got you into the state of the marriage that it's in.

Was it a month? Six months, twelve months, a year, two years, five years, ten years? And then you stay consistent for for a couple of weeks? And then well she hasn't changed yet. This is stupid. She's the bitch now, she's the vic she's the, you know, it's all her fault. Really, man? Like I I'm not that great at math, but dude, like as a percentage, work out what a few a couple of weeks is compared to whatever your first answer was of how long you were contributing to it.

Like as a percentage, it's probably not very high. So mathematically, it doesn't really even make sense to have seen a drastic change, despite it feeling like a big change for you.

But you show up with that consistency, you get to a point of, okay, I know without a doubt, cross my heart, I I can swear on my own life that I have done everything within my power, I have been consistent, I have given this time, I have given this grace, I have given this everything that I feel I could to to change. And it wasn't enough.

Harrison Orr (21:11.16)
Having enough self respect to to then have that ki hard conversation.

Would definitely not be easy.

And that's one of the hardest things to do, whether it is your partner, whether it is your parents, whether it is maybe your kids even, when someone is acting in a way or is in your life that doesn't align with your standards, that doesn't align with the level of self respect and the self love that you have.

Harrison Orr (21:46.924)
It can be a hard conversation to draw that line. And I think the important thing is when drawing that line, when when creating that boundary, setting that standard, however you want to phrase it.

It's an invitation. Right? That's all this is. It's an invitation. This is simply cool. This is how I like to live my life. This is the standard that I that I hold in my life. This is the whatever the thing is for you. I would love you to be a part of this. I would I would like this. But if you don't, I I can respect that as well. But this is what's gonna happen if that does. I'm gonna walk away. This is

This is that next step.

I think we so many people torture themselves by sitting around kind of hoping or expecting. And especially if it comes from misguided expectations, it can really damage things.

But I think the more that we get to unblend from these parts, nice by parts or not, the more that we get to unblend from them, the more that we get to operate from that authentic self energy, the more that we get to ultimately trust ourselves. And when you get to that place of being able to make decisions from that, from that energy, from that knowing, you need less and less quote unquote data. We need less and less like

Harrison Orr (23:19.722)
pros and cons list and and all these things because there's a part of you that just knows. Like that that deep knowing, you're like Maybe it doesn't make sense. Maybe I should do this, maybe I should do this, but this is just what I really feel needs to happen.

Harrison Orr (23:41.846)
And the more that we can trust that, I feel the better off we can be.

But it's important to recognize that getting to that place actually requires a lot of that unblending. Right? It requires being able to distinguish between is this a a protective part of me that's just trying to make me feel this way, trying to tell me this story because it's easier to stay, it's easier to just blame them, it's easier to do this thing, versus

Harrison Orr (24:15.586)
That's a grounded authentic self energy.

Harrison Orr (24:21.666)
And making a decision from that place. Cause that decision, it might feel right, but it may on may not always be easy.

Where you're like, fuck, I feel like I need to do this. Maybe I don't want to. Maybe it's gonna be uncomfortable, but that's what I I feel like needs to happen.

And you know it.

Harrison Orr (24:45.26)
That's where I had a mentor once and he had he called it the the feather the brick the bus system. And so whether you believe in God, the universe, source, whatever it is, doesn't really matter, he would say, When something is not right for you, right, even if you don't believe in any of those things, you have a I th I d I've never met anyone that doesn't believe in at least a personal intuition, right? A gut feeling, if you will.

So there's times where you're like, I don't really know about this. Like it doesn't really feel right or I'm unsure. And maybe you ignore it. Now that's the that's the feather. You kinda like, it doesn't feel a hundred percent right, but I don't it's not enough to go and do something about it. So we ignore it, we brush it off, and then you get the brick. A brick is a little bit more in your face of like, hey man, this thing you haven't made a decision on this thing.

No, your marriage is falling as falling to shit. That's two three months in a row now where your business has barely broken even. Like you're now twenty percent body fat, like whatever the fuck the thing is. Like it's a bit more in your face of like, hey motherfucker, wake up. And then you ignore it, you ignore it, and then you get hit by the bus and that's your wife saying, I can't fucking do this anymore. That's, you know, a huge debt

comes in a bill comes in for the for the business or your tax bill comes in that y of the money that you don't have or you see the doc and he's like, Hey man, you're pushing on diabetes or f some other health issue, cardiac arrest, you go to the have to go into hospital. Something that you can't fucking ignore.

And that's when most people change. If they're gonna change at all. When they get hit by that bus. But every single time you got hit by that bus, I can just about guarantee that if you if you go back in time, if you really think about it, you could probably trace it back to, well, yep, there was the brick. There was the the sign that I should have done something about it, but I kept ignoring it, pushing kicking it down the road. And you know what? I actually had that.

Harrison Orr (26:52.182)
that feeling that I should have done something even about, you know, a month or two months before that. You know, things weren't adding up. This felt wrong. This whatever it is. And then so you can so cool.

Now the ideal is that we don't have to get pi hit by so many buses in the future, because it's expensive, it's painful, like expensive from both a sometimes financial standpoint, but a time perspective in how long you ignore it, then how long it takes to recover from the from the bus and then how long it takes to change direction and all the things. And you're ultimately changing if we look at a compass, you keep going down that road, you're changing degrees on like a 90 degree angle at the bus.

As opposed or if not a full fucking 180 versus when you f feel the feather, well, it's maybe a couple of degrees just tinkering off the side. Right? So the goal when we get to listen to that intuition to that self a hell of lot more is to save time, save money, save energy, save pain, and learn faster. Listen to that piece. But the point I make is if you're not if that

If you're not if you can't distinguish, I should say, between self-energy and the part, well the part's probably gonna keep you in the same cycle. Right, I remember I remember people used to say, like, listen to your listen to your feelings. And I was like, that's such a stupid fucking statement. Because most people don't have what they want. Most people don't really like the situation they're in in some capacity. So listening to their feelings probably got them there. And I remember it was like New Year's Day.

And I was on the beach, and for whatever reason, there was just or maybe I just they just stood out to me for some reason. There was an abnormal amount of like fucking obese people on this beach. And I was looking around thinking, like, wow, like, do you not look at yourself in the mirror? And then the that thing popped into my head, like, you know, just just go with your gut or just listen to your feelings. I'm like, when you're first starting out, cha making a change.

Harrison Orr (29:00.588)
You should probably not listen to your fucking feelings. Because listening to them got you into this position in the first place. So it's like this interesting cycle of, okay, at first you don't want to listen to your feelings because they're the ones that led you astray in the beginning. Because if a fat person listened to their feelings about what they should eat and how much they should move, they would probably stay fat. So they need to go against the feelings of comfort and food to go a little bit hungrier and start moving more and be discomfort and ignore some of those feelings.

And then you eventually get to a point where maybe your identity up upgrades. You can listen to your intuition because it's actually coming from your yourself, your higher self, like whatever that phrasing feels right for you, not from that protective part that got you in the first place. And I say that to highlight the importance of sequence and timing. Because

Advice, especially generic advice, is not always helpful. The timing and the nuance to it is. In the same way that, you know, you might follow some parenting pages like I do on social media. And some people are saying, like, you need to do this with your kids, and you know, you if they're having a tea if they're just crying, then some people say, Just let them cry, you know, just don't give them any attention. But others like, No, you have to pick them up, you have to do this. And he's like, Fuck, what do I do?

I don't wanna give my kid trauma but I don't wanna give him give into their tantrums either.

Understanding that at different ages they have they go through different developmental stages. So that advice is only relevant to certain age groups. Like if your fucking one-year-old is crying and you think, they just haven't attention, just let them cry it out, and you walk away. Well, they're gonna have abandonment issues because they cried for f fucking way too long because you didn't attend to them because they're a fucking baby. Versus if it's maybe a four or five-year-old.

Harrison Orr (30:55.778)
Having a cry, having a tantrum, cool man, like I'm not gonna leave your site, but I'm not gonna cave into it. Very different. So context and timing matters.

Harrison Orr (31:08.088)
So now we've gone on a couple of different side tangents. But I want to share this because for a lot of people, a lot of the men that I work with, the the marriage is the is the pain point, right? It's that's where the nice guy tendencies, the reactivity, the defensiveness, like all these things, that's where they're most prevalent. That's where they cause the most pain.

Harrison Orr (31:32.865)
And the marriages that that last, that are happy, that are successful, that both people love being in. You know the the fundamental like experience the the the through line of all those marriages? Both people feel like they can be a hundred percent themselves with their partner. That they can that they love each other, that they love themselves.

And that they can be themselves. Because as a nice guy, you're not really being yourself. You're doing running everything running through the filter, consciously or not, of who does it who do they need me to be, what's gonna make them happy, what's not going to escalate things or make things worse, like all this this running through these filters, which over time is fucking exhausting. But it also masks from the real you. Because so of course they don't know.

who you really are, like how you really feel, what you really think, what you really like. If it's all filtered through, well, whatever you want, up to you. I don't mind. Like just trying to give everybody else what they need.

Harrison Orr (32:42.818)
Because when we get to that place we can give, we can do things because we just like to see other people happy and like that makes us happy in turn. But again, there's a difference between like, you know what? I my my gift in this is seeing you enjoy this the most. Right? It's like when you give your your kid a gift on Christmas. Right? You don't give your kid a gift and say, like, Did did I do good? Like, you know, do you have a gift for me? Right.

It seems stupid. Yet that's how many so many people do these nice gestures for their partner and for other people. It's like, here I made you some dinner. Are we gonna have sex later? Here I cleaned the house. Are we gonna have sex later? Here I did this thing. Are you gonna tell me I'm a good boy? Are you gonna get off my back? Like, what's the reward that I get from this? As opposed to, again, the kid on Christmas, you give them the gift, and your gift is seeing them light up.

Seeing them happy, seeing them unwrap it, seeing them play with it, seeing them have the time of their life, like that is the gift.

So even though you're still giving the gift, there's I hope you can feel that fundamental difference in the in the energy of what am I gonna get in return? Versus fuck, I love seeing you so happy. Like truly. Because when you can do it, like you can give without expectation, not just to your kids, but to your wife and to to other people, and it because it comes from a place of love. Like as corny as this sounds, it comes from a place of love because you love yourself so much that you don't need their love.

For you to feel okay. You don't need them to tell you you're good, that you did a good job, that you're worthy, that you're loved, that you're all these things. For you to feel okay, because you do it for yourself.

Harrison Orr (34:29.312)
And you have so much of that that love and that that respect for yourself and it overflows in generosity and gratitude. Versus coming from this the scarce empty cup of please can I can I can I get a little bit of love? Can I get a little bit of a pat on the back? Can I can can you just tell me that I'm okay? Right.

It feels weak.

And now I'm gonna contradict myself for a second here because it is, yes, still very important for the appreciation, the acknowledgement of of our partners. Like that goes a hell of a long way.

But don't ever let that be the main source. That's the cherry on top.

Harrison Orr (35:16.472)
So the marriage that you want starts with you being the man that you know you can be. Without saying sounding super cliche. Actually, no, fuck that. I'm gonna rephrase that. You being the man that you are. Not that you are right now, that the man that you could be. The authentic version of you. Whatever that is like. And I know that's fucking scary. Because maybe there's a part of you that says, like, what if I make all these changes and it doesn't save the marriage? What if it makes things worse? What if she doesn't love that version of me?

Well, my friend, you can either live the rest of your life as a performance and try to be who you think your wife wants you to be, which realistically you've probably doing that been doing that to some extent and it got you here. Or you can take that bet, take that risk, and become the most authentic version of you, and maybe risk your marriage not keeping up and

It's not you that's not the man that the marriage needs. Or you your marriage grows with you and it becomes better than you could ever even conceive. Better than you ever fucking imagined. Because of course, how could you imagine something so amazing if you weren't that amazing yourself? Like our marriage is an extension of us.

But on the other side, okay, say it doesn't work out for your marriage. Maybe that wasn't meant for you anyway. Maybe there's something better coming up. Not to say that there's anything wrong with your partner right now, but I believe everything in our life happens for a reason.

And so either we get to work on ourselves and improve the marriage and we get to model to our kids what a healthy marriage looks like, what people working together and on it on ourselves looks like.

Harrison Orr (37:09.506)
But also what walking away with dignity and still respect for each other can look like as well, if it's not right. I know that's a fear for a lot of people of like, what if I fuck my kids up because they have split homes and and all these things? Well it's not always much healthier if you stay together for a lot of people either.

The hard question I get all my guys to answer that have not all my guys, the guys that have been in a similar situation. I say, What would you get your kid to do?

Harrison Orr (37:46.68)
If your son or your daughter was in this relationship right now and you're sitting there seventy, eighty years old, what would you be saying to him?

Or importantly, if they're in the exact same relationship that you're in, how would you feel knowing that you modelled it to them? You set the example of this is what a relationship looks like. So they went and sought this out because you modelled it to them.

Harrison Orr (38:17.984)
If you feel proud, fuck yeah, I love that. Keep doing it. If not

Well, maybe there's your sign.

Harrison Orr (38:38.744)
So no real takeaways from today. Actually, no. I hope you found some takeaways from today. I hope something from this stood out. Maybe it reframed the way that you've been thinking about something. Maybe it took you a little bit deeper as to what actually needs to change when it comes to some of these nice grey parts. Maybe it just gave you a permission slip to the but you to be your fucking self. To unblend from some of those protective parts. And to actually maybe instead of operating from a place of fear.

and anxiety operate from a place of optimism and excitement for that future of what that marriage could be like, what your life could be like, and how free you would feel when you operate as the most authentic version of yourself. The real fucking version of you. Not the people pleaser, not the protective parts, the real fucking you.

Harrison Orr (39:39.822)
'Cause I know everyone that truly loves you in life has been waiting for that version of you.

Harrison Orr (39:47.907)
Don't be sorry. Be better. Bye.