The Skill No One Talks About That Changes Everything in Your Marriage l EP. 107 l

The most important conversation in your marriage has nothing to do with your wife.

It's the one happening in your own head. Right now. 24-7. And it's already dictating every defensive moment, every withdrawal, every people-pleasing decision you've made — whether you're aware of it or not.

In this episode, I break down the one skill that changes all of it. Not communication with her. Communication with yourself.

In this episode:

• Why the voice in your head isn't a sign you're broken — it's information, and learning to use it is the highest leverage thing you can do for your marriage right now
• The parts of you driving the defensiveness, the people pleasing, the withdrawing — where they came from, why they're still running your life, and why hating them is only making them stronger
• The single shift that creates immediate separation between you and your patterns — and why that separation is where all real change begins
• Why you cannot selectively suppress — and how trying to bottle up your emotions at work and at home is exactly why she feels like she can't reach you
• The difference between feeling an emotion and being controlled by it — and why that distinction is where actual self-control lives
• How the conversations you have with your own parts become the conversations you have with your wife — and how understanding yourself at this level lets you connect with her on a level that goes beyond words
• What this work does for your kids that no amount of parenting advice ever could

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Transcript

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Harrison Orr (00:00.686)
This is the number one skill that you need to master if you want to transform your life and your marriage. And it's something that you already do, but I can guarantee you you're either underutilizing it or it's actually working against you. So think about what are the highest leverage things that you could possibly do to transform your marriage. Like let's be specific in that area, because that's probably why you're here.

It's probably not date nights. It's probably not, you know, having more connecting conversations and your little audits at the end of the week of like, what did you like about me this week? What did you not like? And shit like that. It's in you. It's how you show up. And you already do this. And this is already dictating the way that you show up. It's dictating your behaviors and traits that got you here. The defensiveness, the people pleasing, the withdrawing, the conflict avoiding, every single thing.

It's in your own mind. It's the way that you talk to yourself. Now I know this sounds fucking insane, but the way that you talk to yourself, managing the art of conversating with yourself is one of the greatest skills that you can master. And I know that sounds wild, and I know some of you wanna click off right now, but listen to me and hear me when I say this. You are talking to yourself 24-7.

In your dreams, it's projecting what you see there in your day-to-day life, the chatter that you have in your mind, maybe it's nonsense. Maybe you're telling yourself that you're not good enough, that it's not gonna work, that you know, the victim mentality of like, well, if she didn't do this, if they didn't do that, whatever is going on. That voice, those voices in your head does not make you insane. It does not make you schizophrenic, you are not mentally ill. It is part of the human experience.

In the same way that we have one body, but multiple parts to our body. We have bones, we have muscle, we have fingers, toes, legs, arms, organs. It's the same for our mind. We have one brain, but we have multiple parts to our brain. And each of those parts runs off a separate belief which is dictated what got you here.

Harrison Orr (02:05.762)
So think of it this way: the defensiveness in your marriage stems from a belief that if you are wrong, if you are at fault, that you will be punished. You'll be seen as not good enough, you'll be seen as a failure, and you'll be cast aside.

The people pleasing stems from a belief that if I put other people first, I will get my needs met. They will like me, they will love me, but I will have my emotional needs met. If I avoid conflict, conflict is bad. If I avoid conflict, we can't fight. If we don't fight, then everything is good. So we avoid it, we keep the peace, we say yes, when we want to say no, we do all these things. Every single one of those bel those parts comes from a belief.

And those parts often sorry are coming from a protective nature. Now it's very common for us to not like certain traits about ourselves. I hate that I'm a people pleaser, I hate that I'm anxious, I hate that I'm self-conscious, I hate that I have this doubt, I hate that I'm so defensive. And those negative viewpoints are only making it worse.

That negative, that internal chatter, that negative self-talk is self-deprecating hell. That's even another part of you most people consider their inner judge, their inner critic. You may have heard those phrases before, and it's where we judge ourselves so harshly. But consider this: those parts, those beliefs, are like children inside of us.

They are little versions of us. Because these beliefs came from a moment in our childhood that birthed that. Either we said no and we got punished for it. So we learned to say yes to stay loved, to stay accepted, to avoid that punishment. We got seen as wrong. We made a mistake and we were we were punished for it. We were grounded. We were

Harrison Orr (04:09.43)
We our parents withdrew love in some capacity. So that part learnt. Well, as long as I'm not at fault, as long as I can justify, I can explain, I can provide an excuse, I can hide it, I can lie, then I won't be seen as at fault, then I will avoid the punishment and that negative outcome. Those parts have still been running your life, your personal life, and your marriage specifically, which has got you to this point. Now

When we get better at communicating with these internal parts of us, we learn to understand what their role for us is. We learn to understand that their role is often protective in nature. They're trying to help us avoid that negative outcome. They're trying to keep us loved, to keep us safe, to keep us from experiencing this negative outcome. Because that part is still a child.

It doesn't recognize that we have the resources of an adult who can handle rejection, who can have difficult conversations, who can experience high and deep and intense emotions without them governing our behavior, and experience all these things, and it still be okay. And us figure it the fuck out.

Harrison Orr (05:26.188)
And I know that concept sounds insane for a lot of people. But here's how I want to prove it to you. Think about the the most prevalent trait that's ruining your marriage right now. The most prevalent trait for you. Maybe it's you're people-pleasing. Maybe it's you shut down anytime you get asked a question or there's emotional conflict, you just go completely blank. Maybe it's the defensiveness. Maybe you get reactive, whatever it is.

I want you to think about the last moment that that that happened and really bring that feeling into your awareness, bring it into your body. I want you to relive that feeling.

Yeah. So really, really bring it into your body. Is it in your chest? Is it in your throat? Is it in your gut? Is it somewhere and intention in another form of your body? Where is it? Identify it. And I want you to label the the feeling. Label the state. I am and say this out loud. Whatever it is. I am angry. I am shut down. I am reactive. I am

Whatever the thing is. Say that nice and slow out loud.

I am defensive. And just notice in your body where you feel that.

Harrison Orr (06:50.734)
And now when you say nice and slow, a part of me is defensive. Whatever the trade is, a part of me is

Harrison Orr (07:04.098)
And if you notice that separation, you noticed maybe it was a little lighter, maybe it wasn't so heavy. Maybe you felt like a little separation between you and where you felt this part, where you felt that that reactivity, that anger, that defensiveness, that withdrawing, that anxiety, that stress, whatever it was. And feel that difference.

Harrison Orr (07:30.316)
And now, if you want to, you could even direct your energy, direct your focus to where you still feel that feel that part and go ahead and ask it a question.

You might want to ask it something like

What is your intention for me?

Harrison Orr (07:54.39)
Or what are you protecting me from?

Harrison Orr (08:02.466)
And you might get an answer. Depending on your level of how grounded you are right now, depending on how long you've been repeating this pattern, depending on a few factors, will depend on if you can get an answer right now, or maybe this part doesn't quite feel safe, in which it's going to take some more practice. But it sounds foreign, but every single person that I've done this with has been able to

Has experienced answers that have come back that haven't been logical answers. I've asked them questions and even afterwards they've said, I don't know where that came from. That just came to me. And it's coming from somewhere. And then as you get better with understanding, these parts are here to protect you. This has a reason for showing up.

What is it that I need to learn from this part? What is it that I need to reassure and provide safety to or to understand in order to change the way that I'm doing something? Because when we learn to

Understand and communicate with these parts, it will provide you the greatest level of self-empowerment and self-control that you will ever have. Because you can have like the the way that most men go about self-control and and and self-power.

Is through suppression and rigid discipline. Like, as soon as there's emotion, as soon as there's a hint of a a thought or a feeling or anything else that doesn't align with this rigid, like rock solid version of them that they want to be, they bury that shit down. But with rigid with rigidity is weakness.

Harrison Orr (10:01.772)
Like, I don't know if you guys remember at school, did you ever have those flexi rulers? They were made out of this plastic where you could slap them on your wrist and they'd kind of curl around and things like that. You could slap the shit out of someone with those and it would not break. You smack the shit out of someone with a wooden ruler and it would break. A metal ruler? Yeah, you'd have to hit them a little harder, but eventually it would break as well. Flexibility.

And coming from a place of understanding and love, and I know how hippie that sounds, but getting to work with these parts instead of suppressing them will give you the greatest level of self-control and self-power and peace.

Because the the base for each of these approaches, like the rigid self-discipline and suppression, comes from a base, or sorry, the rigid discipline and self-control comes from a base of suppression. Push it down. And you can only push that down for so long. And I'll tell you this: you cannot selectively suppress.

If you suppress one emotion, you'll suppress all emotions. And that's why your wife can't feel you. Because you learned to suppress these emotions in your business and that helped you. That's great. But in your home life, you also suppress your emotions. And your wife is an emotional being. And so if you are 5% emotionally available, that's all she can connect to. And that's why she feels disconnected. She doesn't feel like you're emotionally available. And she's like, I I see you here, but I can't feel you. Where the fuck are you?

That's why. And being able to feel your emotions, and this is the caveat which I think most men don't fully understand, and it's why they suppress their emotions, is because you can feel an emotion without it dictating your behavior. You can feel sad, you can feel angry, you can feel lustful, you can feel whatever the fuck you want to feel, whatever is relevant in that moment. Because emotions are just feedback. You can feel all of them and not let them dictate your behavior.

Harrison Orr (12:14.84)
That's where this power comes from. Because when you can truly feel this, you can, okay, I'm feeling this anxiety, this desire to defend, this wanting to make other people happy, this need to withdraw. I can feel this. I can observe it. I can notice it. I can notice the stories that come up with it as well. And then I can let them pass. Because I don't attach to them.

And now I choose what I'm going to do. Like, it's it's warranted that I might feel anxious right now. It's warranted that I might feel stressed right now. It's warranted that I might feel this. Speaking to a client just the other day, one of his tactics for you know, when he goes out to work, he works FIFO. So he's home for a week and then off and working for a week. Right before he would go to work, he would often pick a fight with his wife so that when he goes to work, he can feel

Anger instead of sadness. He didn't like feeling sad and lonely and missing his family because he feel that would make him feel weak and vulnerable. So instead of feeling like that, he would pick a fight so that he would go to work angry and maybe even resentful, and that came with more power. He would rather feel that and feel justified in not getting to talk to him so often, so it was often a good thing.

Harrison Orr (13:38.317)
Instead of actually realizing that, well, me feeling sad and missing my family is probably a justified emotion for someone who fucking loves his family. Like, why is an emotion not a normal experience? It's part of the human experience. Anyone that tells you otherwise is a fucking psycho. And missing out on life as well.

Harrison Orr (14:06.734)
So when we can acknowledge and feel those feelings without letting them dictate our behavior, we can see the stories that come up with them. We can start to actually talk to ourselves and actually work through what is happening. Like if you've ever been anxious or you've ever overthought something, it's often a one-sided dialogue. Or it's two parts feeding each other.

But what if there was a rational part there, a more co calm, more conscious part that was able to say, like, Yeah, you're super stressed about this? What are you afraid would happen if she said no? What are you afraid would happen if, you know, she does walk away? If they're not happy with you for setting this boundary? What are you afraid would happen then? well she w they would leave or this would happen. Like, okay

What would that mean?

And then you can actually get to a level of understanding of well, if you thought that this would happen as a result of this, and so you took this action to avoid that from happening, well, that makes sense. Thank you. It's a completely different experience. And the absolute kicker to this is the conversations that you have with yourself, with these these parts of you, are the exact same that you have with your

Harrison Orr (15:36.045)
Because everything that she does is driven by an emotional need. When you get caught up on the words on the surface level, you completely miss the emotional need. And so the conversations that you have in these moments with yourself is like practice for the same conversations that you have with your wife and with your kids. And when you understand that everything that you do is driven by one of these parts, most things that you do are driven by these parts. And you understand yourself to that degree, you can then see that in other people.

And then you can actually speak into that need. When you see that okay, your wife is escalating, she's getting reactive, it's like, hey, I feel like, you know, there's something something else is going on here. I feel like you just maybe need some reassurance or some to feel safe right now or to feel heard. Is that right? Like, yeah, I just haven't feel really I haven't felt appreciated lately, you know, I've been really resentful and I can that makes sense.

You get to, like fuck reading minds, you get to go deeper into that. You get to read someone's soul when you understand this. And so your level of communication goes beyond words. And you get to have this conversation with your wife without her even knowing any of this stuff because you've done it for yourself.

Harrison Orr (16:52.108)
The conversations become deeper. The understanding of one another becomes deeper. The connection between you becomes deeper. You get to learn things about each other. You she gets to learn things about herself that she didn't even know because you led her to that. And then you get to see the same in your kids. When you get to see that, like, okay, my kid's losing his shit right now. Is it a tantrum, which most people just blanket like emotional outbursts as tantrums? Or is

He just struggling to regulate his emotions because nobody has taught him how to. Wow, shocker. A four or five-year-old doesn't know how to regulate their emotions.

So what he needs right now is a grounded parent to sit with him and to help him feel and process that emotion and just help him separate from like you can feel that emotion, buddy, but we don't throw toys at our sister. We can feel our emotion, but we don't do, like, don't punch holes in the wall, whatever it is. You can only do that for them because you've done it for yourself. I can't tell you the amount of times where because since realizing this, I've been able to sit with my son. Like, I think most people.

Most people of our generation were punished for emotions. That's why we suppress them. That's why anger is seen as bad. You don't want to feel it. Everything else is just bottled that shit up. Because our parents couldn't tell the difference between emotion well emotional regulation wasn't even a fucking thing. It was you're being inconvenient, you're being loud, you're being angry, shut the fuck up because I don't know how to handle it. But now, when we know this

I get to sit with my son when he's having one of these emotional outbursts and don't even need to say anything to him. Don't need to do anything. I just need to sit in that presence. He can scream, he can do whatever he wants, because he's three. And he just looks at me like, What is going on? Like I'm feeling this big thing, and you're sitting there so calm, like, like what? He has at it for a little bit, and within two or three minutes, he'll come and sit on my lap. He'll give me a hug.

Harrison Orr (18:54.572)
Now it's getting more to the point where I can see him having this emotion and I can even just say, like, buddy, do you want to hug? Or do you want to take a big Elsa breath? You know, he lik he likes the movie Frozen. And he's getting into that pattern now of like, okay, if he's if he's whinging, if his emotions are escalating. Amazing. Feel it. Take a breath. Now what do you want to say? Now what do you want to do?

And then we go with that. Because I demonstrate that for him. And I teach him that he is always loved. His my love for him is not determined by him being in a good mood or him not feeling anything other than just good.

I think that's what most of us fucking missed. And that's why it feels scary to feel those emotions because we're worried if we feel those, then we won't be loved for them. We'll be an inconvenience. We'll be a burden on somebody else. But the only way that we can truly get to that place is by understanding ourselves, is by learning how to communicate and conversate with ourselves. So the improving the can conver the communication is.

One of the greatest things that you can do, but not in the way that people tell you it is. It's not with your wife. It's with yourself.

All of those parts of you, the defensiveness, the people pleasing, the withdrawing, the self-sabotage, the criticism, the doubt, the anxiety, the whatever it is, all of the things all have a purpose for you. And when you can lean into those with a level of curiosity to understand, not to necessarily change or to banish, to not do any of that, literally just to understand.

Harrison Orr (20:51.594)
maybe even provide some compassion for, some validation for, then it will make sense. And you will naturally have a greater level of love for yourself because you've seen all the parts that maybe you didn't qu necessarily like about yourself have been a positive intent. They've been there to protect you, to keep you safe. And now you as the adult get to do differently.

You get to reparent those parts of you. You get to show up differently to say, like, hey, look, we can hold a boundary. We can say no. We can take ownership. We can be wrong. And it not and not experience that that withdrawal or that negative emotion that we did when we were a child. And even if we do, that we can handle it. Because we're big now. We're resourceful now. We've got all this capacity.

I can't tell you the level of peace in my life that I've experienced since being able to do this. And this is odd to say, especially without being able to convey the feeling of it. But since being able to do this, I have felt the most me I have ever felt. The most authentic that I've ever felt.

Because I haven't been people pleasing. I haven't been biting my tongue, afraid of what other people are going to think of me or are gonna say back or worried about anything else, not running through what I do or what I say through this filter of are they gonna like me, are they gonna love me? Is this person gonna become my client if I put on this performing mask for them and do all these things? The level of inner peace and freedom to just come by being able to have these conversations and un understand myself to this depth.

has been absolutely fucking game-changing. And it's the same with my clients. Being guys that have been able to navigate all sorts of shit in their life. And and trust me, this isn't

Harrison Orr (22:56.406)
Like this isn't for people, isn't just for people with traumatic childhood. Right? I used to hear people talk about these childhood wounds and childhood trauma and all that stuff. And I would fundamentally reject that. I'd be like, nah, fucking not me. I wasn't assaulted. I wasn't abused. I like nothing bad happened in my childhood. My parents were fucking amazing. I had like we had enough resources and funds and foods and and all the things that we needed for a for a healthy childhood. Like

I I don't get it, not me. These parts, these moments, these beliefs are not necessarily birthed from huge traumatic events. They can be little moments that at that moment felt so big to the child, to you, that it created this belief. And so I don't want you to think that, well, it's only for people with trauma, or I don't have trauma, so it doesn't apply to me.

If you're if you are more defensive, if you people please, if you avoid conflict, if you have these traits that you don't like about yourself, that you want to change, everybody has these parts. Everybody has these sections to their mind. It's like saying, well, I don't have I don't have arms. I don't have a heart. I don't have these things. Like you can deny having them. It doesn't make them any less there.

You're only going to be limited by your self-awareness to realizing these parts. Bring it into your awareness. How often do you can conversate with yourself? How often do you talk inside your own mind? And what is the level of conversation like? And anytime you start to feel something, you start to feel that defensiveness, that withdrawing, that anxiety, that stress, that pressure, that anger, that reactivity, that anything. Simply say to yourself,

A part of me is feeling reactive, a part of me is feeling defensive, a part of me is anxious, is stressed, is whatever it is. And just notice the separation. That's a felt experience that you are not this emotion, that you are not this part.

Harrison Orr (25:08.396)
And when you can see that and you can create that separation, then you can conversate with it. You can understand it. You can validate it. It has some emotional needs that are not being met that when you can meet it and not rely on your wife meeting them, your kids meeting them, your clients, your boss, like the government, like your financial status, when you can meet those emotional needs and not need anybody else, is when you are finally free. When you don't need other people to validate you.

You don't need other people to love you to know that you are lovable. You don't need other people to tell you that you are good enough. You know that you are good enough. And that's when you stop performing. That's when you get to show up as the man that actually creates the marriage that he loves and actually gets to be the role model for his kids. Not because anyone else gave him permission to. Not because of any other reason other than it's who you are.

The softness, the femininity that you want your wife to embody comes out naturally because she is magnetized to you and the masculine essence that you embody. Not because you're trying to be masculine, but because you are just showing up as your fucking self.

It is it can be the scariest thing in the world to show up as yourself when you've been performing your entire life. I know.

Harrison Orr (26:31.97)
But it's the most freeing.

There might be that part of you that doubts that, what if what if they don't like us? What if this, what if that cool, that's that people pleasing part coming back out?

What if they don't? What if they don't have that reaction? What if they fucking love you beyond measure? That you haven't even like what if it unlocks a level of marriage, a level of life, a level of inner peace, a level of connectedness, a level of like all the things that you want that you can't even fathom right now.

Harrison Orr (27:05.42)
Because you can't master this skill. It is a skill.

It takes presence.

To be able to talk with yourself, to be able to identify these parts. This is the work that I do with my clients. This is the work that I do with myself every single day to get to this level.

Harrison Orr (27:33.752)
Just because you haven't experienced it doesn't mean that it's not real. It's part of the process.

When you're in kindergarten learning your mathematic mathemat maths, learning how to learning addition and subtraction. Using calculus or algebra would have seemed like a fucking foreign language. But there were steps. You addition and subtraction, then you do multiplication and division, and then you work your s work your way up. And then it becomes a no-brainer.

Harrison Orr (28:10.36)
When you get to that level of understanding yourself, understanding these parts from that place of curiosity and compassion and peace and calmness.

Harrison Orr (28:25.634)
You can address those parts so that they no longer need to run your life. So that they no longer need to run your marriage. And that's when they naturally step back. That's when they don't you don't even feel the need to defend yourself. You don't even feel the need to people please. And it's not because you're hyper-fixated on bite my tongue, don't say the wrong thing, okay, I need to say no here, and I'm anxious and stressed inside about what they're gonna say next. It's like, no, I see that's cool for you, man. That doesn't alone with me. No thanks.

Harrison Orr (28:57.548)
You can naturally let her finish, let her experience and share her emotions and her thoughts without you having to butt in, without you taking it personally, without anything else, because that part of you is no longer running your life, no longer running your marriage. Because you've created that space inside you where it doesn't feel the need to protect you because it can trust that you will handle it.

Harrison Orr (29:20.674)
We live in our head 24-7. That's the only place that we are in 24-7. You're not in your business 24-7, even though it might feel like it. You're not in your marriage, you're not with your wife 24-7. You're not with your kids 24-7. You are in your head 24-7. Those parts, that level of mind projecting into your dreams, projecting into the way that you see the world, controls your feelings, controls your behaviors, which has created your reality.

Your personal reality has created your identity. Your personal reality has created your personality. To quote Dr. Joe Dispenza.

So when you understand how to talk to yourself, to understand yourself in a constructive way, you can change the way that you show up. You can change your personality, you can change your personal personal reality.

Harrison Orr (30:18.934)
When you get to that level of authenticity, the marriage you want, the life that you want, the man that you want to be, that's just a byproduct.

It's that fucking simple.

Harrison Orr (30:35.264)
If you want guidance on how to do that, if you want help walking through that, below this is a link to apply for coaching. It's exactly what I help men to do. So we can have a chat to see if my coaching is right for you. If not, there's some other resources there that you can go and check out, or a video is going to be dropped here. If you're watching this on YouTube or if you're listening to the podcast, the next one's going to come up in a second.

Harrison Orr (31:02.735)
So I hope this has changed the way that you think about yourself, your marriage, your internal thoughts, and your life. I'll see you next time. Bye.