The Link Between Stress, People-Pleasing, and Autoimmune Disorders

In this episode of Limitless Health, Amanda Golightly and Kate McDowell explore the impact of childhood experiences on adult behavior, health, and mindset. They share deeply personal stories about being “parentified” as children—taking on adult responsibilities too soon—and the lasting effects on mental and physical health, including autoimmune conditions. Together, they discuss the importance of recognizing these patterns, breaking free from people-pleasing tendencies, and prioritizing self-care to live a healthier, more balanced life.

Key Takeaways:

•Unconscious Beliefs Begin Early: Childhood comments or situations can create beliefs that shape our behavior into adulthood, often without us realizing it.

•The Parentified Child: Taking on adult roles as a child can lead to stress, people-pleasing, and chronic health issues like autoimmune disorders later in life.

•Stress and the Body: Constantly operating in fight-or-flight mode prevents the body from healing, contributing to physical and mental health challenges.

•Breaking the Cycle: Awareness is the first step. Prioritize self-care, set boundaries, and challenge unhelpful beliefs to reclaim your health and well-being.

•Actionable Advice: Fill your cup first. You can’t pour from an empty one.

Resources Mentioned:

•The Holistic Psychologist (Instagram post inspiration) 

Call to Action:

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*** This podcast is for information purposes only. By providing the information contained herein, we are not diagnosing, treating, curing, mitigating, or preventing any disease or medical condition. Before beginning any type of natural regimen, it is advisable to seek the advice of a licensed healthcare professional.  

*** This podcast is for information purposes only. By providing the information contained herein, we are not diagnosing, treating, curing, mitigating, or preventing any disease or medical condition. Before beginning any type of natural regimen, it is advisable to seek the advice of a licensed healthcare professional.

Transcript

Kate McDowell [00:00:00]:
I remember a time when I was maybe 25 years old, where I got a call from a family member, and they asked me to come with them to give some pretty bad news to other people in our family. And it was news that affected me too, but because of the position I put myself in from a young age, this was something that I felt I had to do. I had to be strong for everybody else.

Kate McDowell [00:00:26]:
We believe in growth and continuous learning.

Amanda Golightly [00:00:29]:
We believe in educating and sharing knowledge.

Kate McDowell [00:00:32]:
We believe the body is miraculous and is able to heal with

Amanda Golightly [00:00:34]:
the proper nutrition and support. And we believe the right mindset is key to your success. I'm Amanda Golightly. And I'm Kate McDowell. And this is Limitless Health.

Kate McDowell [00:00:45]:
Live well, naturally. Alright. Welcome to the Limitless Health podcast. We are talking about kind of past related issues where issues where you could be growing up. Usually when we have some sort of stuff we carry around with us that affects how we respond, how we act, it can be the simplest thing that's said to us as a kid. And our unconscious mind takes everything personal. So the slightest thing, like in Kate's particular story where something around the lines of you have to,

Amanda Golightly [00:01:18]:
what was it? The line strong for everyone else.

Kate McDowell [00:01:21]:
You have to be strong for everyone else. Your unconscious mind is literal. So imagine hearing that and thinking you have to be strong for everybody else. And how does that change your life going forward? There was no ill intent by that statement. There was nothing it can be very innocuous, these comments, or what's said to us, but we just take it on in a way that may not be in our best interest going forward. Everything, as we talked about in a previous episode, our committee, all the parts inside us, everything has a positive intention. Everything has a positive intention. And it may be it's not resulting in the behavior we want, but everything has a positive intention.

Amanda Golightly [00:02:09]:
Yeah. And I can look back in other parts of my life. Okay. So first of all, the reason that we're having this conversation today, and this is something that really hit home with me recently, is I saw a post from the holistic psychologist who's someone whose content I find very valuable and useful. And the post that I saw says no one talks about how the parentified daughter who had to mature too young becomes the disassociated adult with an autoimmune disorder. And I was like, boom. That's I can see how there's a a correlation or a connection there with me. And that's when I was and this is no blame at all on my family, on my parents, on anything.

Amanda Golightly [00:02:55]:
They were doing the best they could with the information and the resources they had at the time. So this is no ill intent in that regard. And there's also the sense of how is it serving me to hold on to blaming others for situations that I'm in? And that's something that I very much see the value in working to not do that because it's not serving you.

Kate McDowell [00:03:17]:
Well, and as I said, it's just can be simple things that are said out of a positive intention and we just take it the way we take

Amanda Golightly [00:03:25]:
it. Yeah. When I was 4, my dad, I went heard like wrestling in his room and he was packing. And I went in and I was like, where are you going? He'd just gotten home from a business trip, I believe. And he said, I'm I'm gonna be gone for a bit. And so I got sad at the time, and he said, don't cry. You need to be strong now. You take care of your mom.

Amanda Golightly [00:03:50]:
She's upset. But I was 4 years old. And from that point, I I grew up

Kate McDowell [00:03:57]:
Mhmm.

Amanda Golightly [00:03:58]:
Essentially, because I took on the role and the responsibility of taking care of other people. And that was something that I carried for I'm 42 now. So for the next several years of my life, I was staying in that place of trying to be strong for other people and trying to do all the adult type things. And when you're not giving yourself grace or you're not also who takes care of you, if you're always taking care of other people.

Kate McDowell [00:04:29]:
Mhmm.

Amanda Golightly [00:04:29]:
Right? And I was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition at 22 years old. And it's like looking back, my body was under a lot of stress because I was I was trying to take care of everybody else and not putting my own needs first. And so I can see how there's a connection there. But I love what, Amanda, you said about her unconscious mind takes things and what we heard and makes it into something else.

Kate McDowell [00:04:56]:
It's very literal.

Amanda Golightly [00:04:57]:
Yep.

Kate McDowell [00:04:58]:
This is where as simple as, you know, kids up early in the morning and the parents sleeping, they're excited to hang out with them. So they rush into their bedroom and jump on them while they're sleeping to kind of get them up and they want to play. And the parents, like, tired. Maybe they were on a night shift and they, like, tell them to get out or something to that effect. And depending on how the after of that goes, that kid may never run into the bedroom ever again because of I'm not good enough or whatever the I'm unlovable, whatever thing that could be taken on from a simple little thing like that, because they were excited to wake up their dad or mom or whoever and just wanna play. And that could happen to anybody. Any, any parent child relationship could have had that happen. And it's just in that moment, how does your unconscious decide to take that on? And again, it's no negative intent.

Kate McDowell [00:05:55]:
The the parent just wanted to sleep. They're just, you know, they worked And these things happen, and you carry that until you can hopefully resolve it and get down to that and say, if you can bring more resources to that that moment in time and just say your dad was just trying to get some sleep. There was nothing. It was nothing to do with you in that moment. They would love to play with you, but sleep was what needed at that moment. And that's it. It's like, You get a different perspective on the event that happened, and then you can just, as you did before, let it go.

Amanda Golightly [00:06:29]:
Yeah. And the stories that we make around it, which is basically what you're saying there. Right? Like, we're always making stories in our mind. It's like, how can you shift that to not automatically make that story a fact?

Kate McDowell [00:06:41]:
Mhmm.

Amanda Golightly [00:06:42]:
Right? Like, oh, my they don't wanna play with me or I'm annoying or I'm too loud, and now I have to be quiet or other things. Because if you hold on to that, that's gonna become fact in your mind, and and you'll act differently because of it.

Kate McDowell [00:06:57]:
When, as we talked about before, that could be the, the initial event, but then there's other events that maybe you create or that you're just honed in on because of that first one. And then you're solidifying that belief that you've created in that first event.

Amanda Golightly [00:07:13]:
Yeah.

Kate McDowell [00:07:13]:
And yeah. And then you again, you carry that with you and you have this belief around who you are, and it is it true?

Amanda Golightly [00:07:22]:
Yeah. And the going back to the parentified I love that. I'm it's I'm giving her credit because I didn't make up that word, but the parentified children that do take on a more adult role in the house and at a young age, and maybe it's taking care of siblings. Maybe it's, doing more around the house than a normal 4 year old would, which Mhmm. I mean, that's open to interpretation too. But what are the responsibilities that were put put on those children at a young age that they felt they had to be an adult from a really young time?

Amanda Golightly [00:07:54]:
I find it interesting that the connection has been shown between that and something like autoimmune in the future because of the stress it's putting on the child. And so if you're constantly feeling stress and you're constantly in that fight or flight nervous system response in the body, your body is never healing.

Kate McDowell [00:08:15]:
Mhmm.

Amanda Golightly [00:08:16]:
Your body is constantly trying to keep you safe. And so digestion is not a priority. Immune is not a priority. Hormones is not a are not a priority. So your body is not able to function the way that it's supposed to. And so that's often something when we do work with a new client, it's figuring out where are the stressors in your life. Is it family? Is it is it your social circle? That's one that can be bigger than we realize. Right? Because trying to keep you at the same place and trying to keep you safe, doing the same things over and over again is not gonna get you a different result.

Amanda Golightly [00:08:51]:
And so

Kate McDowell [00:08:53]:
fall into work environment, maybe there's a toxic pers toxic person on your team or whoever, and that dramatically dramatically affects how your day goes.

Amanda Golightly [00:09:03]:
Yeah. And so if you're constantly in that fight or flight state and you're looking to get healthy, that's something that we need to work on. I need to address. And it's connected with, yes, the parentified child growing up behavior, often those people end up being people pleasers,

Kate McDowell [00:09:18]:
Mhmm.

Amanda Golightly [00:09:19]:
Recovering people pleaser person. I mean, my work used to be my main priority in life, and I put everything else aside. I had a conversation with someone recently, actually. So I'm like I said, it's a work in progress. I don't think people pleasing or, yeah, I guess people pleasing. I don't think that's something that you just switch off, but having a conversation with someone, she said, maybe you're in burnout. I was like, I don't have time for that. She's like, I think I just you just proved your point.

Amanda Golightly [00:09:50]:
Right? We how much time do we take for ourselves? How much time do we put aside to make sure we are giving our bodies the support that it needs for health? And that is nervous system related too, but it's like drinking water or making sure you get in bed at a good time or all of these different things. How much time are you taking for yourself? Are you putting the oxygen oxygen mask on yourself first?

Kate McDowell [00:10:13]:
Or

Amanda Golightly [00:10:13]:
are you constantly pouring into everyone else's cup?

Kate McDowell [00:10:16]:
Mhmm. Right? Agreed. So as far as your experience with learning this new perspective, and then is there a lot of people that I don't know if there's more around the post itself as far as how many people actually experience getting autoimmune and what they suggest by offering this perspective.

Amanda Golightly [00:10:37]:
I posted something recently on TikTok as well talking a little bit about this and said, who are the the people who, as children, had to grow up too soon, had to be a parent when they were still a kid themselves?

Kate McDowell [00:10:50]:
Mhmm.

Amanda Golightly [00:10:50]:
And every comment that I've had on the post is, like, same disease, yep, me, like so many different women, and it's often women that are having this issue. I mean, when you look at something like MS, which was my experience, most of the people with this are women. And so is there a connection with hormones? It's very possible, right? Because we have more estrogen than the male side of society does. But at the same time, what else? What else is a common thread that we see with women, especially over the last several decades. It's taking on so many different roles. Like, you're the master of the house and now you also have a job outside and you're doing like so many different things. Where's you in that equation?

Kate McDowell [00:11:34]:
Mhmm.

Amanda Golightly [00:11:35]:
Where is taking time for yourself in that equation? And the people pleasers, I mean, one of our good friends, which I've shared recently, we had her on this show months ago now, but she said, look around. How many empty cups do you see walking around? And it's true. Pretty mind blowing to

Kate McDowell [00:11:53]:
hear that line. I love it. It's so powerful.

Amanda Golightly [00:11:59]:
It makes you think because it's so true. And it's everyone trying to be everything for everyone else, and it's not just women. Actually, there's a male that I can think of right now that similar situation, a recent autoimmune diagnosis and the people pleasing thing, he completely resonates with that. He can see how that's been something that he struggles with too. So if that's something that you're focused on or that has been a part of your life, what can what can you do to start to let go of that? How can you serve yourself in that way? Because if you are living with something like autoimmune or any chronic health condition, what led to it? Right? A lot of people will say, oh, all of a sudden I had this health issue. It's not all of a sudden. It never is.

Kate McDowell [00:12:41]:
No. And I'm gonna emphasize this point as well. It's maybe good a little bit to kind of figure out the, how you got to where you are, but maybe don't like hyper focus on that. You don't want to focusing on the past is not going to help you in the future. Ultimately, it's interesting information to have. You need to be as a person now to be better. What do you need to do? What habits, what things do you need to do in order to change your future, change your health, change your mindset? Those are better questions to ask as well when you're moving forward.

Amanda Golightly [00:13:17]:
Yeah. Absolutely. Like, I'm not saying hang out in the past, but it's if I hadn't noticed that for myself, like, holy crap, I'm totally falling into a people pleasing thing where someone will say to me, can you do this for me? And I would never say no. Even if I was tired, even if I had other things I needed to do, I would never say no. Especially at work because that's how my mind works, but family stuff as well. And it's like, if you're never saying no, if friends were like, oh, do you want to go out and do something? Or if anyone was asking me to do something for them, I would always just do it. It didn't matter how burnt out I was, how horrible I how much support my body really needed. I would always do things for other people because I thought that I had to.

Kate McDowell [00:14:07]:
And then how does that manifest in your body?

Amanda Golightly [00:14:09]:
Exactly. It shows up as different symptoms. It shows up in different organs. We hold on to it. And it's not gonna help.

Kate McDowell [00:14:18]:
As you were people pleasing and not saying no ever, that led you to another place of, I don't know, I can't make plans.

Amanda Golightly [00:14:29]:
Yeah. Yeah.

Kate McDowell [00:14:30]:
I'm just yeah.

Amanda Golightly [00:14:32]:
Well, I mean, after after I was diagnosed with MS and I had there was a period of time where I had, like, terrible energy. And so I was looking for ways to explain to people. I the spoon theory was something that I carried around for a while because it was like, listen. I have 3 spoons. If I use one spoon getting up and showering and get ready for work in the morning and then the other 2 at work, I don't have any spoons left for you. And so that was a way that I used to explain it. But then I I stopped making plans with people because Mhmm. I would always have to cancel.

Amanda Golightly [00:15:03]:
Because In the morning, it sounded like a really good idea or the day before, it was like, oh, I would really like to do that. And it would get to the end of the day and I had no spoons left and my brain fog was intense and I was just like, I can't do this. I'm not going to be a good company and so I would cancel. Mhmm. And people stopped inviting me places because they were like, oh, she's just gonna cancel anyway. Why invite her? Or I had family members used to get mad at me because it was like, you never make plans. And it was like, yeah, but I never make plans because I I've got nothing left. I mean, you don't put yourself first ever.

Amanda Golightly [00:15:38]:
You're constantly putting other people first all of the time. Eventually, the body is like, yo, I need you.

Kate McDowell [00:15:47]:
It's so interesting, though, the fact that you wouldn't say no before and now you couldn't say yes. Mhmm. Just that was a boundary that you you were given no choice, but you had to do.

Amanda Golightly [00:16:00]:
Yeah. Yeah. Well, I I felt guilty having to cancel all the time, too.

Kate McDowell [00:16:05]:
So I was like, that's other issues in around the, people circumstance. Yeah. It's just interesting how our body can manifest stuff at times where like, I I'm saying yes. I really don't want to, but I'm still saying yes. And then eventually it's like, the body's like, I'm not saying yes anymore. You you're not getting any energy to do any of these things that I don't wanna do anymore. So this is how it is.

Amanda Golightly [00:16:30]:
Yeah. I'm gonna make you say no.

Kate McDowell [00:16:32]:
Yes. Yeah. Isn't that a kind of a Yeah. Yeah. The explosion.

Amanda Golightly [00:16:41]:
So the purpose of this episode, we just wanted to talk about this because it's something that I hadn't considered for a long time. And so when I saw this post from holistic psychologists and how many people were connecting with it and resonating with it, it's like, okay. How would it benefit other people that haven't heard this yet? Like, that's why we created this podcast because we wanna give people a different perspective and a different view on things. But are you the person who is always strong for everybody else? Are you the person who is always taking care of other people, who never says no, who is dealing with health challenges? Can you take a look and see, is this something that that I can that I relate to? And are there things that I can do to help? I mean, I've done lots of things. I've been MS ruined my life for 7 years, but now I've been symptom free for 8 years. And it's like there's so many components to that. And this is kind of a more recent thing that I've been focusing on and working on, and it's peeling back the layers of the onion and giving your body the support it needs in all the different ways. And it could be nutrition, it could be lifestyle related stuff, it could be detox support.

Amanda Golightly [00:17:56]:
But the mental side of it is so important too. And it's something that we often don't think about or address because it can seem too easy. It can seem like not important, but it really is.

Kate McDowell [00:18:11]:
There's so much So if you had a last message of advice for the audience, what would it be around this?

Amanda Golightly [00:18:17]:
Put your oxygen mask on first. Fill your cup. We need to get rid of the empty cups that are walking around because this is where illness comes from. When the body eventually can't keep up, this is where breakdown happens, and this is where I mean, we've got such a huge increase in chronic disease that's happening in society today, and it's there's so many different factors. I mean, we've got glyphosate sprayed everywhere, and we've got EMF. I mean, who's on a device or has a device around them all the time? There's so many different things. I mean, we do root cause testing, and we test for 100 of different things. But this is one that is often not acknowledged and it's beautiful because it's something you can do for yourself.

Amanda Golightly [00:19:02]:
And it seems really hard and it can be at first, but you need to fill your cup because you can't pour from an empty cup. That's not my saying. But, yeah, it's really important to focus on.

Kate McDowell [00:19:15]:
Yeah. Very important. So thank you everyone for tuning in today. We hope you got some value from this and new perspectives. I know we kind of threw a couple different things out there for you. So if you found this interesting, drop some comments, share this with anyone you think that it might be helpful for. And yeah, we'll catch you on the next episode.