57: You Asked If Life Gets Better After Divorce—Here’s the Truth

Quinn opens up about what life really looks like on the other side of divorce—from the deepest grief to the unexpected gifts. After leaving both a long-term marriage and a high-control religion, Quinn shares how the dismantling of everything familiar gave rise to a life of freedom, integrity, joy, and truth.

She doesn't sugarcoat the hard stuff: loneliness, identity loss, financial stress, and fractured relationships. But she also shares the radiant rewards—reclaiming selfhood, sexual liberation, parenting with compassion, and the beauty of building a life that fits like your favorite pair of jeans.

Whether you’re deep in the divorce decision, newly single, or years out and still healing, this episode is here to remind you: you’re not broken—you’re becoming.

What You’ll Hear:

• The #1 benefit Quinn found in divorce (hint: it’s not what you think)
• What it's like to parent without shame after leaving religious dogma
• How sexual liberation and queerness are unfolding in Quinn’s healing
• Why divorce can deepen your spirituality rather than destroy it
• The truth about disillusionment with an ex and protecting your peace
• How to make peace with loneliness—and transform it into strength
• What it means to rebuild identity when all your labels are gone
• Exciting updates about Quinn’s nursing school journey and what’s next for the Post-Divorce Glow Up community

Mic Drop Quote:

“A marriage that crushes the individual is not a marriage worth having.”

PostDivorceGlowUp.com

Email: quinn@postdivorceglowup.com

Transcript

0:49

Hello my friends. Welcome back to the podcast. I have taken about three weeks off and it has felt so good for those of you who are hitting this episode, other than when it's recorded. You won't even know that I've been gone. So lucky for you. First, I have some updates for you. Those of you who have been with me for a while, you know that I've been in preparation to apply for a nursing program and just last week. I received notification that I am in. This is a program where they only accept 20 students twice a year. So I wasn't sure. I knew I was a strong candidate, but I wasn't sure that I would get in. And had to do some mindset work about accepting the possibility that maybe I won't, and maybe I will try for a different program, but I am so pleased that I got in. Another big development is that I only have four children at home, and two of them have been with their dad the last three weeks. So not only did I get a little bit of a break from the podcast and my business, but I was also able to only have two children at home, And the last update is that it seems like my country is not completely screwed. 5 million of us showed up this last weekend. To protest the horrors of our current presidency, I got to introduce my children to my alter ego from my teens and twenties when I was very politically active, I was able to take four of my children, my college girls and my high school kids with me to the no king protests this past weekend, and it was so. Ah, I don't know. It just felt so good that they wanted to go. They wanted to be there with me. They want to fight for equality and due process and the things that are important to me as well. It was really great. Okay, now let's get busy on this podcast. A few weeks ago I was coaching in my BFF Brita's group. She has a group called the Stay or Go Community where women who are just struggling to know. If they want to dig deeper into their marriage or if they want an exit plan, they go there to help them make their decision. And as I was coaching this woman, she said, towards the end of our time together, I just need to see evidence that women can thrive after divorce, or something like that. That's the message that I took from it, and I thought. Yes you do. You do need to see that women can thrive after divorce. And I also thought, Hey girl, that's me. I. I am. I am that woman that thrived after divorce, which is astonishing to me because I grew up with this boogeyman of what a divorced woman's life would look like. So I want to get very honest with you about what it looks like for me as a divorced woman. I am going to be honest in the challenges as well as the upsides that I see to getting divorced. I absolutely love my decision that I got divorced, and yet there are still challenges, but they are challenges that. I will choose a million times over. So I'm wondering if some of you can relate to some of the upsides that I'll be speaking about as well as some of the challenges. So let's start with the benefits of getting divorced. And I need to give a disclaimer before we start because my exit from my marriage closely aligned with my exit from the Mormon cult. And so some of these things are so intertwined that. It may have an amplified benefit because it feels like I was getting out of two toxic relationships at the same time. That being said, let's get going. Number one for me is the reconnection with self By far. That is the number one benefit for me. It's not that I didn't know who I was when I was married, it's that I was really trying to put the marriage before any of my desires. And so that meant when my husband needed to move for work I would. Do it. If there was anything that he needed, I would basically do it. The way I thought of myself in the marriage was that I had this high capacity for forgiveness. I had this high capacity to work hard at a relationship, but some of the things that I had for forgotten about myself or didn't know about myself, that divorce brought to me. Is that it brought me back into alignment with an identity that is far more playful and joyful and, and enjoys relaxing sometimes, doesn't always want to work hard for something. I'm also a woman who is bold and brave in speaking up for myself, for my children. And calling bullshit on either societal structures or in my relationships, and I wasn't doing that when I placed the marriage as the most important thing about my life. I wasn't able to show up fully as myself because if what I wanted conflicted with being able to stay married, the being able to stay married. Always one. Always one. Until I decided a marriage that crushes the individual is not a marriage worth having, that I wanted to have a marriage where both of us could thrive and I wasn't. And so this reconnection with myself, discovering the layers of myself. The interesting parts, the shadowy parts, that for me has been, oh, such a gift. The second benefit that I thought of was the freedom of time and space. Being able to decorate my home, how I want, spend my time the way I want, not negotiate every decision, just simple things like the kind of music I to, or sleeping diagonally in the bed, taking up all the space. Creating my own spiritual life without having to run it through the filter of what would the Mormon church think and what would my husband think as head of the household? It's what do I think? And I remember how challenging that was to trust myself in the beginning, but now it brings me so much joy, just this freedom. Of time and space. The third benefit is parenting. On my own terms. I find that the co-parenting and solo parenting, it allows me to parent in a way that feels really authentic to me with without the pressure of my partner. when I was married, I played the role of. Kind of the buffer between my husband and the children. He has a very difficult time with empathy or someone disagreeing with him. And so it was me explaining the children's point of view to him, kind of being that intermediary, telling the children, you know, give him a chance. I'm sure he didn't mean it that way. Those kinds of things. And now. I don't do any of that. I don't play the intermediary other than, I mean my kids, when they come back from their dads, they usually have some stories to tell and I get to say things like, yeah, that's your dad, or yeah, he gets to think that, or he gets to say those things about me, but with no need to defend myself or act as intermediary, now they get to experience their dad on his terms as well as me. I am a much more fun mom and much kinder. More loving. More forgiving. I am a shameless mother. I really try to not shame my children, whereas my past parenting and this, this is partly cultural, it's partly religious, and it's partly within the dynamic of the marriage. Like I said at the beginning, it's hard for me to parse. What is what when so much of it was just enmeshed, But my parenting at the time I was married was very shame-based, rule-based, repentance based. And now there is a freedom, like it's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to say all the words. It's okay to mess up. Nobody's gonna be ashamed. I mean, there's shame in the world, but I am not going to try and control my children through shame. And unfortunately, I have older children and they did get part of that from me. And I have these younger children who are having an entirely different experience and it's, it's kind of interesting to see the ages of my children having nine children. They just get different experiences because they have a different mother, and I love that I can give all of them my full hearted love that I have for them and create a very, very safe home for everyone. Number four benefit of divorce for me was sexual liberation. And again, we put the, the religion in there, the culture in there, the marriage in there. But coming to the other side and waking up and questioning and reclaiming my sexuality, discovering my desires, understanding what intimacy means without obligation, never having sex. Just because a man wants it, only having sex when it feels fully consensual, when desire is there. Never, ever, ever being pressured into having sex. Like it's a, it's a non-starter for me. And then my latest journey is exploring my queerness and my hetero normity, and just digging into questions that within the context of the religion and the marriage, it just wasn't available for me to explore these parts of me. But now that I'm in a place where there are no bad parts and I am free to look at all of it, I'm finding such. Treasure just within this one realm of sexual liberation, owning how I like to be touched, what kind of sexual response do I have, and being able to choose who I share that with. Number five, is career. And clarity without the distraction of this mismatched partnership, I have found so much clarity and motivation to go after professional goals and passions that I didn't even know about. Like a year ago, I didn't know I was going to even try to get into nursing school. That happened at the end of June last year when I finally decided. I'm gonna go for it. I didn't even know what that would entail, but I was ready to go for it. And I think within the framework of the marriage, I had tried to go back to school several times and it was not something that my husband, I. Was supportive of it, kind of bothered him and he did not pick up the slack with the kids because he was always well in his mind. He was always so busy. He's the kind of man who's just always busy, and so my dreams, what I wanted to build was not a priority for him, but now. giving him the gift of a divorce where he gets to go have his career the way he wants it. And I get to have a career and my passions and professional goals the way it feels good to me. It just feels like such a gift for both of us because we got to the point in his career where I was not supportive of the way he handled finances or partnerships or his entrepreneurship, and he was not supportive of what I wanted to do. And so it's a perfect, I think it was the perfect gift for both of us. And then number six, is, spiritual and psychological healing, and part of this is leaving the high control religion or cult and women come out of that space. Finally getting to ask, what do I believe? Instead of being told, this is what you believe. And within Mormonism, it's very much a, you're being told what to believe, you know, based on the scriptures or what their prophet says. And there's this quote within Mormonism that, once the prophet speaks, the debate ends. So there was a place where, yeah, you can question, but. Once the church tells you to stop questioning, you're to stop questioning, and it was also that way within my marriage. So having this space that is open for authentic spirituality and for me, spirituality does not involve religion. It's a more embodied expression of life and connection to just the mystery of what it is to be alive and a consciousness on this planet. It is not fear-based. Whereas in, uh, Mormonism, and I think a lot of organized religions, there's the carrot and the stick, and. I am not interested in the stick, like burn the fucking stick. Do not beat me with your spiritual ideas. So I have this. Beautiful spiritual practice and it draws in the wisdom of the ages and my ancestors, and I'm constantly learning and exploring about my spiritual life. But the healing that's available when you are with yourself is, is so beautiful. Now I wanna switch gears just a little bit and talk about the challenges of divorce because they are real as well. So, number one that I. I hear about and, and this is one where some people really struggle with this and others of us are like, no, it's such a relief to have this person outta my life. This is not a struggle, but extreme loneliness. Is a challenge for many of us. And I remember the first few weeks when we were separating and my children would go and be with their dad and then they would come live with me in the city during the weekdays so that they could go to school. And then again, the next weekend they would go and be with their dad. And those were challenging for me. I was in a city, it's COVID. I didn't know anyone. A lot of places were shut down, so I very quickly had to learn how to be with myself. there was this sense of relief. My nervous system was healing. Because I wasn't around this person that was so, agitating and activating to my nervous system. But let's be honest, like leaving your town or leaving a tight knit religious group, those are losses and they deserve to be grieved. And the challenge of building an entirely new social ecosystem. It is not to be underestimated. It is a challenge. Number two that is kind of related to this is friendship fallout, because divorce often reveals which friendships were transactional, which are judgmental, Which ones are based on shared suffering rather than love. Which ones are based on the religious affiliation and which are simply just end because it's time for them to end. But there was this, this shifting in my world so I really had to mourn the loss of some of those friendships. The friendships from the church that I was in, the community that I was in, all of that. It's, it's a real challenge. The third challenge that I think we need to be honest about is this identity crisis up above. When I talked about the benefits of divorce, the number one, this reconnection with self and discovering who you are, but there is this middle space, this identity crisis of who am I? I'm not a wife. I am not part of a we. I'm not someone's person. And that void can feel so terrifying. it can feel really scary as you try to figure out who you are. While this place of identity crisis can feel really scary, it's also ripe with possibility. So if this is that messy place where you're like, who am I? What am I? I don't know. This loss of self doesn't have to be a terrible thing, but I wanna be honest about it because especially within our culture where being married, especially as a woman, being a woman married, being a wife, that carries so much social capital that when that is no longer part of your life, and instead. The social capital you have is, I'm a single mom, or I'm a divorcee, or, you know, some other identity that you may have negative connotations with. It is time to sort through those and decide what is the identity that you want to craft on purpose. The fourth challenge in divorce, is the financial uncertainty Typically men take a greater hit socially when they get divorced because it's usually the woman who has. Care taken, the relationships, the, especially the couples relationships or neighborhood relationships. So oftentimes a man can feel like he really took a hit socially, but it is generally the woman who takes the biggest hit financially, and it's not just those who come out without assets. I, I have coached a lot of women. They come out with assets, but they've also spent decades at home with their children, and so they haven't built a financial network. They haven't built their financial education. Many women carry a huge financial load after divorce, even when there is child support. Managing money and career changes and potential debt and investment, and questions about whether or not you will ever be able to afford to retire, all of those can really weigh on you. Now, there is education to take care of all of that. So as I'm talking about, these are some things you need to consider. These are real challenges in divorce. None of these are crushing. None of these are going to stop you from living a really beautiful life. In fact, it's going to make you better. All of these places, it just shows us where we have some weak muscles and then we just get to work. Okay? Number five, ugh, is the guilt and the grief, especially if you have kids. I. So even when kids are healing, there's often guilt for changing the family structure and grieving the loss of a dream or a vision of how life should have looked. For instance, right now my kids are with their dad and their stepmom and their step siblings, and I honestly, I don't feel grief or guilt about the divorce. I think it is. The best thing I did for my kids, but I know a lot of women are divorcing men that they would consider, good dads, which I am so glad for. I am so glad that there are men out there who are really showing up for their kids want to be a part of their lives. And as you see. that ex-spouse showing up for your children or ex-spouse, you know, at the wedding of your mutual children and the children trying to, Hmm. Maintain relationships and not rock the boat. There can be some guilt and some grief and some questioning, and that's okay. It's okay. To have all of that. In fact, I want all of that. I want all the feelings of life. Number six, this challenge is one that has been real for me. A disillusionment with your ex spouse. My relationship with my ex-husband has deteriorated into something I no longer recognize. I have people asking me because they know I have a protective order against him. He's not allowed to have a conversation with me. I'm protected from him coming to my home. And people have asked me was he like this when you were married? And No, no, he was not. He has a special anger and violence that is focused on me now that we are divorced. But there is this, this sense of betrayal that. I, I trusted you. I believed you. I once considered him to be my best friend. And so this disillusionment of this is who you are, this is who you're choosing to be, that there can be such pain with that, I was just thinking this morning, I was working out and the question came to my mind, did you, did you ever really love him? And I could honestly answer yes. Yes, yes. I loved him. I remember our first Christmas together, just feeling so much love for him, like this aching, oh my God, I love you so much. My heart's gonna burst kind of love. So to be in the place where we are now, whew. I do not like it. I do not like it. I will not put up with it. I will call the police. I will protect myself. But it's not something I enjoy. It's, it's probably the most challenging part of divorce for me. And finally, number seven, whew. Decision fatigue. You are now fully responsible. There's no one else to default to. You are the one that figures shit out every time. That can be empowering and exhausting. It can be both. It can be both. There's so many decisions I have to make with. My children with their schedules, their schooling, especially when my husband was living in another state. Now that he is back in Arizona, there are going to be different kinds of decisions that have to be made empowering and exhausting. Uh, but if I had to choose again, I would choose me. I would choose divorce. All of these challenges of divorce, whether it's losing friends or loneliness, or not knowing who I am, trying to figure out the finances, grief, guilt, disillusionment, decision fatigue, all of that is life. I don't want us to act like, like if life is challenging after divorce, it doesn't mean it would've been better to stay married. I had so much of this, I had extreme loneliness in my marriage with all of our moves. I lost friends on the regular. I had a regular identity crisis trying to figure out who I was because the marriage was so important that there was only a thin slice of life for me. I lived with financial uncertainty, being married to my husband and not having my own income. I lived with guilt and grief, watching the pain of my children growing up in a household where the Mormon cult was the most important thing. Ugh, that was painful, and there was. Disillusionment with my ex on the regular because he has a challenging time telling the truth that that didn't change. He was like that in the marriage as well. And so that happened all the time. And then the decision fatigue, oh my God, if I never cook again, if I never have to decide what's going on the grocery list again. Oh, please, please, yes. So all of these things that are challenges of divorce can and were challenges within my marriage. But when I look back on the benefits of divorce, this reconnection with myself, this freedom of time and space, taking up all this space that feels good to me. Parenting in a way that feels so aligned and full of integrity. For me, experiencing a level of sexual satisfaction and liberation, ugh, that feels so deeply grounding. A career that I love going forward with education that is important to me and the spiritual and psychological healing that has taken place. Those are things I don't believe were available to me within the context of my marriage. That's not true for everyone. But you know, this episode is really for those women because I know women who are not divorced. Listen to my podcast as well. Thank you. I'm so glad you're here for me. For me, I'm never going to tell someone to get divorced. Well, that's not true. I will tell you to get divorced because I love it so much because just like this woman that I was coaching when she wanted to know that if she got divorced, life could be sweet, life could be good, and I'm here to tell you it is. It can be. It can be so sweet. You get to meet yourself on the other side. Ugh. So I mentioned at the beginning of this podcast that I am now going to be starting nursing school, and with that change, I'm going to be changing some things with my business. I am going to probably stop doing one-on-one coaching. Thank you to those of you who have supported me in this, who have allowed me to be part of your journey. I am so grateful to you, but what this means for the rest of you is that I am wanting to create some additional products and ways to meet you where you are that will still allow me to thrive in my studies. And have the greatest impact. So I will talk to you more about it as I develop these things going forward. I am really excited. I think it's going to be more financially accessible to a lot of you. I think we can build a beautiful community and get you some incredible tools that I'm working on to help you have more of the benefits of divorce and kinda smooth out some of those challenges. Life is what it is, right? It it is hard and it is beautiful. It is all the things and I want to support you through all of it. If there's anything I can do for you in the meantime, you know where to reach me, Quinn, Q-U-I-N-N, at post-divorce glow up.com. I will talk to you next week.