66: Divorced, Not Defined: Writing Your Next Chapter

Too many women wear divorce like a scarlet letter — a permanent label that defines their worth, parenting, relationships, and future. In this episode, Quinn shares how she refuses to let divorce define her life and instead uses it as fuel to expand into new possibilities, like going back to school and building a bigger, bolder life than ever before.

We’ll explore:

• Why “divorced” is not your permanent identity — and why you don’t owe anyone that box on a form.
• How divorce can make you a better parent, not a worse one.
• The surprising way divorce elevates your self-worth and helps you discover who you truly are.
• How post-divorce relationships can become the healthiest and most passionate of your life.
• Why resisting your big life costs more energy than building it.
• Why divorce is not a scarlet letter, but a badge of courage and freedom.

Quinn reminds you that divorce isn’t the end — it’s a catalyst. A chance to write the juiciest next chapters of your life. This is not about survival. It’s about expansion, courage, and unapologetic joy.

PostDivorceGlowUp.com

Email: quinn@postdivorceglowup.com

Transcript

0:49

Hello Lover. Oh, it is my first week of school, so I have been working for this, as some of you might know for a couple of years, when I first decided I. Was going to, well, I had the inkling of an idea that I wanted to pursue a degree in nursing with the ultimate goal of becoming a midwife, and I think it's one of the gifts of divorce because, well, as you're going to see through this episode. The decision to allow divorce to define you, who you are and what you're capable of. That is a choice. That is a choice, and we can choose something different. Even though so much of my life is revolving around supporting women post-divorce, divorce is not my life. Being a mother is not my life. Being a lover is not my life. Being a coach is not my life and neither is being a student or getting a degree. My life is my life and I love that I have that expansiveness now, whereas within my marriage, I had some very defined roles that we're kind of do or die within that system of being the wife and. Being the mother, and that's as big as my world was at the time, and now my life is so expansive that I can be many, many things. this kind of came up for me as I started searching for scholarships and ways to pay for school because. If I don't have to pay tuition, baby, I don't want to. I would rather have someone pay me to go to school. So that's the way I have approached my education. as I filled out these different scholarship forms, it asks for marital status And as you probably know, you were given I think, four options. You can be single. Married, divorced, or widowed, and I think of myself as single, though I have been married, I have been divorced. Unfortunately, I've never been widowed or maybe fortunately, sorry, I don't want to make light of, of those who have lost someone near and dear to them. That was not my case. But when I think of them asking this question, are you single, married, divorced, widowed? I think it's interesting that. Having a marriage and having it end, you have now removed yourself from the ability to say single. I mean, that's my assumption is that if you've been divorced, they want you to say that you are divorced now, which seems like such a silly thing. I don't understand why they gather that information, so I usually put single, but I know, and you, I think you probably know women that make divorce their whole personality, whether they chose the ending or didn't. They become obsessed with the story of the ending of their marriage. Perhaps they become obsessed with their ex, what they're doing, what they're not doing, how they're showing up, what money they're making, who they're dating, and their whole life revolves around. I'm divorced I know for myself, being raised in Mormonism, very conservative family values, quote unquote kind of religion, being divorced was definitely somewhat of a scarlet letter. While there was church support for divorced women, a lot of the support was towards getting them remarried, and I, for one, have no intention of ever remarrying, even if I choose a partner again. Marriage is just not something I want to do. So divorce is not a scarlet letter. Marriage is not a prize. Who you are. Is so much more than being a woman who is divorced. It is not a permanent label. It can change, and divorce is simply one chapter in your story and you have a whole novel to write a really beautiful, juicy book that is your life. Divorce is not the end. Not everything has to be anchored down. To divorce, but it is the fodder. It is the material that you get to build your next best life with. You take the setup from divorce, and then you begin on this hero's adventure of rebuilding yourself, finding yourself. Too many women let divorce. Define them like the Scarlet Letter. and they adopt the socially acceptable victimhood of, I'm divorced, so I must be damaged, unworthy, broken. Unlucky in love. But here's the truth, girlfriend, divorce does not define you. If anything, it refines you. So let's talk about the different ways that society looks at divorced women and how my view has changed, and I've got to say much to my chagrin, a lot of the views that I'm sharing with you about societal. Stories about divorced women. Those were my stories. I believed all of these stories before I walked through this door to create the life I now have. So if you are in the middle of your post divorce journey, I want you to check yourself and see if you are believing any of these ideas about yourself, about your ability to grow and thrive in your life. So. First of all, those of you who are familiar with my story, you know that I stayed in my marriage in large part for my kids. I did not want my kids to suffer, and so I had this idea that if I got divorced, my children would suffer. I would be the bad parent, quote unquote, bad parent for breaking up the family and that my children would be so much better off being in. A two parent home with both of their biological parents and that only a bad parent would get divorced. And then if you got divorced and it wasn't your choice and it was the other person's choice, you probably would not be able to be as good of a parent as a single, divorced parent, as you would if you were parenting with another person. Okay. Can we just pause right there and, and just look at how ridiculous that is. Like who does that story serve? that story. Even though I believed it was true, it kept me in that marriage for over two decades, but it was not serving me. And my potential for what my life and my parenting could look like, because the truth is that divorce has made me a better parent, and it can make you a better parent whether you have kids at home or your kids have moved out and they're adults. Now, why am I a better parent? How can you be a better parent in the process of divorce? You are modeling resilience. You are needing to set clear boundaries. You are building your courage. To choose your own safety and mental health over long-term misery and your kids get to see what it looks like to rebuild a life. And that is a powerful legacy for me. When I was able to divorce not only my husband, but divorce, my way of parenting, the way I really wanted to parent my kids, from my ex's way of parenting my kids. There is such a beautiful contrast to have this safe space for my kids to come home to and to know we're not gonna be shaming anyone for how they feel or how they talk or how they look like. We are a shameless place in my home. And we get to contrast that with my husband, who is still very, very involved in the Mormon cult. And uses shame on the daily to let my kids know how disappointed he is in them. And so it gives us this beautiful contrast. And you're going to have that with your co-parent as well, that they get to parent how they're going to parent, and that is 100% up to them. They get to do different things, even if you think they're destructive. I think shame is an incredibly destructive tool to parent with. but every parent gets to make that choice. But I know for me, I get to show up in a way that feels really good to me. I get to learn the skills and I get to support myself in my parenting. Divorce has definitely 100% no question. Made me a better parent. Let's take a step towards self-worth. My thought that kept me in my marriage for so long was that it would say something about me if I got divorced that I was not capable of. Being the kind of person that could sustain that marriage, that it would mean something was so deeply wrong with me because other people managed to stay married. My parents stayed married, and my ex's parents, they stayed married for decades and, and I kind of laugh about that because I actually don't think. My parents or my husband's parents actually liked each other, especially towards the end. I think they were so fed up with each other wanting, I think, I think they wanted one of them to die, and maybe both of them wanted the other to die. I am not sure, but it was not pretty towards the end for either one of those couples. And I don't think less of them as people. I think that they simply grew up in a time where they didn't have the same choices that you and I have as far as choosing to get divorced. Because the beautiful part of divorce for me, in connection with my self-worth is that divorce has forced me to confront stories that I have believed about myself. Suddenly, I'm not in a position where my husband's opinion. It gets to be taken into consideration. So his stories about me don't get to influence me the same way they did. When I look to him as a partner, as the most important other voice other than the one in my own head after divorce, you are free to find out who you really are, if that is work that you want to do. And that's where your self-worth skyrockets and you get to see how cool you are and that you have all of these hopes and dreams that are bubbling underneath the surface. I don't. Ask anyone else for permission and I have to look inside myself for the answers. It can be incredibly challenging and also incredibly rewarding. One of the parts of leaving a religion within months of leaving my marriage was that I began to realize. All of the decisions that I had turned over to religion and all of the questions I let my husband answer about things that are important to me, things about what I believe, what I want, my values, and suddenly I had to. Slow down and really think through things. What do I think about gay marriage? Not just what do Mormons think about gay marriage, for instance, or what do I think is the best way to parent, not just the way my husband thinks. Children should be parented based on how he was parented. So all of this work around deciding who you are and what you are capable of, confronting those stories that you have within yourself. Divorce gave me the space to do that. Now let's talk about relationships. If you have been on dating apps, I am so sorry. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Um, dating apps can be a fantastic tool, but there are certain ideas that I had about my capacity to have a healthy relationship with a man coming off of a divorce, especially when I had stayed in my marriage for, you know, almost 23 years. And divorce really scared me that I would get into another relationship and I would stay. That was the thing that I was most afraid of. Not that I couldn't find a relationship because I know that I can at any point, if I want a relationship, I know I can find a man that wants to have a relationship with me, But my biggest fear is that I would get in, I would get comfortable enough, and I would stay because the thing that I am most proud of in my life is that I got divorced. And the thing that I was most ashamed of for a very long time is that it took me almost 23 years to do it. What I learned about myself by going through the divorce Regarding relationships is that divorce can be this incredible masterclass in what not to do as well as what to do. It makes you sharper, it makes you wiser, it makes you more attuned, or at least it can. The potential is there. Post-divorce relationships have the potential to be some of the healthiest in your life. Because now if you are doing the introspection and the healing and working on setting boundaries and improving your communication, you're not going to be staying in situations that feel reminiscent of old patterns. You are going to be communicating to ask for what you want. Setting boundaries, not settling for abuse or belittling or control. You'll have the potential to snap out of it, which I don't know that I would have those same strengths if I hadn't had the strength to get divorced. Divorce gave me that ability to be more pliable. It absolutely gave me the ability to be more patient. especially leaving Mormonism because I had met and married my husband within three months, which is not unusual. I. Unfortunately, and so I didn't even know the man that I married, but you're supposed to be married before you have sex or you can't get married at the Mormon temple and you know, it's a whole thing. But being out of Mormonism and being out of my marriage, when I started to approach new relationships, I would notice things about myself, about my tendencies. I noticed that I needed things to move slowly, I noticed that I had grown in my capacity to speak up for myself. And ask for what I actually needed and communicate more clearly with my partner. Now, this did not happen all at once. I made a lot of mistakes in my relationships and I became. Far more tolerant of myself as I learned new ways of being in relationship outside of a marriage. Asking for space when I needed space. Asking for more intensity. When I needed more intensity, but asking, having my voice be heard and connecting with partners that listen. To my voice and care what I have to say, and not because we are married, but because they see me as a person, and that was such a beautiful transformation. I feel so much more confident in my ability to have a healthy relationship now than I have ever felt in my entire life. Which brings me to the last story that I want to share with you as far as what I believed, the story I believed before I got divorced. I believed that getting divorced would. Ruin my capacity to have a big life, to have a full life, to have the joy of life, the, the adventure of life that I really wanted. I love my kids. I love the idea of a family in the traditional family way of being, I also love the idea of community, but I think COVID for many of us, we started to see the cracks in the foundation of communities that no longer worked for us or relationships, marriages that no longer worked for us, parts of our life that were so under pressure with the isolation of COVID. And for me it was that year of 2020 heading into 21 where. I finally had the courage to leave the religion that I could no longer be in integrity with myself and be a part of Mormonism, and about six months later, choosing to leave my marriage divorce. Cracks open the illusion that life is supposed to follow One rigid script. And I think COVID did that for us. We found out we can live online and in isolation. It's not healthy for us, but we can. But what divorce did for me and that pressure of COVID, that isolation where I had to really dig deep into myself to decide what is the work I want to do. Because as you've heard me say, there is work to be done staying in a relationship, and there is work to be done leaving the relationship. What's the work you want to do? And it's the same with living your big, beautiful, glorious life. It's not like a glorious life, a life of adventure, and you going for what you really want in your life is going to take more energy. Than living a small life. In fact, I think resisting a big life takes far more energy than building a big life. it takes far more energy, in my estimation to get through a day resisting those soul calls than it does to simply take a step towards them. For me, it would be far more difficult for me to not go to nursing school right now than it is to go to nursing school. Divorce handed me the pen back to keep writing the story of my life. You, my friend, get to design your version of glorious. It may not be going back to school or changing careers, whatever it is. Maybe it's solo adventures or maybe it is a thriving career. Maybe it's finding love again or. All of the above, but you get to explore. You get to expand, you get to, hmm, live up to all of it. That is the gift of divorce. I've gotta say. I am not ashamed at all that I am divorced. If anything, I am so proud. Of myself for getting divorced. I do not wear it as a scarlet letter. If anything, it is a badge of honor because I know what it took to stay in that marriage, and I also know the strength that it took to finally walk away. I used to think that if a person got divorced, they were automatically stamped as like less than like if I was divorced and then Everyone would define it that way. And now I realize, girlfriend, I did not lose status or whatever. I gained freedom. If anything, divorce gave me an upgrade, Divorce is not your identity. It is one aspect. It is part of your hero's journey. It's part of your arc. It is not a cage. It is a catalyst. And if you let it. It will make you a stronger parent. It'll make you a woman who knows her worth and stands strong in it. It'll make you a partner who loves with more clarity and passion and fierceness, and it'll make you a human who creates a life so glorious that you wouldn't trade it for the world. So let's stop letting divorce. Define us that little box. Are you single? Are you married? Are you divorced? We are people. Let's just be us. Let's let this pathway, this journey that divorce has led us on. Let's let it refine us. I am not defined by divorce. If anything, I am defined by how boldly I rise from it. And you can have that too. Change your story, change your life. I'll talk to you next week.