77: Reclaiming the Divorced Body Part 3: Touch, Pleasure & Boundaries

Quinn opens with a Halloween full-circle moment—house full of kids, step-siblings, laughter, candy—and pivots into the heart of Part 3: pleasure and boundaries as part of healing. We name common post-divorce patterns (fawn, freeze, “loneliness bargains”), ditch the shame, and use a simple order—Safety → Curiosity → Consent—before any touch (solo or partnered). You’ll learn quick downshifts, the stoplight check (Green/Yellow/Red), how to build a Yes/No/Maybe list (hello, kink jars), a gentle sensate ladder (pleasure over performance), real boundary micro-scripts, and a 7-day plan you can actually do.

What You’ll Learn (pulled straight from the episode)

• Why “low libido” can be freeze (not a flaw) and why fawning in bed is a survival pattern—not a moral failing.
• The Safety → Curiosity → Consent sequence (and why the order matters).
• How to downshift in 90 seconds (physiological sigh ×2 + orienting).
• The Stoplight Rule (Green = go, Yellow = slow/check-in, Red = stop/repair).
• Building consent with yourself first (Body-Yes / Body-No).
• Creating a Yes/No/Maybe list (using “kink jar” style menus for clarity).
• The Sensate Ladder: non-sexual zones → torso/hips/thighs → optional sexual zones only if it’s Green.
• Aftercare basics: water, warmth, slow breaths, kind words—“Thank you, body.”

Boundary Micro-Scripts (use verbatim)

• “I’m a yes to ___. I’m a no to ___. I’d like ___ instead.”
• “Pause—I need a breath check.” / “I’m yellow right now—slow down, please.”
• “No to that tonight; yes to cuddling and music.”
• Dating: “I don’t decide in the moment. I’ll text you tomorrow.”

Sensate Ladder (practice, not performance)

• Days 1–3: Non-sexual zones only (hands, face, scalp, neck, shoulders, arms, calves, feet). Explore texture / temperature / pressure (silk, lotion, warm shower, etc.).
• Days 4–6: Torso, hips, thighs—linger and notice.
• Day 7: Optional sexual zones only if Green. Ask: “What makes this 1% more pleasurable?”

7-Day “Pleasure Without Pressure” Plan

1. Build your Yes/No/Maybe list (context + touch).
2. Body Compass with non-sexual touch (2 min).
3. Sensate Ladder Step 1 (hands/forearms/feet).
4. Boundary rehearsal—say your lines out loud.
5. Sensory shower/lotion ritual (play with texture + temperature).
6. Co-regulation date (friend, pet, nature); notice before/after.
7. Aftercare ritual + journal: “What felt 1% safer/more alive this week?”

Quotes You Heard

• “Our bodies are not problems to be solved; they are homes to be tended.” — Hillary McBride
• “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation.” — Audre Lorde
• “You don’t earn pleasure by being good. Pleasure is a birthright.” — Quinn

Related Episodes (mentioned)

• Ep 49 — Vitamin O: Get Yourself Off, Get Your Life Back 
• Ep 34 — Pleasure Is Mine: Claiming Your Sensual Self
• Ep 30 — Strategies for Feeling Safe Post-Divorce
• Ep 24 — Understanding and Healing from Marital Rape

Book Mentioned: No More Assholes: Your 7 Step Guide to Saying Goodbye to Guys and Finding the Real Man You're Looking For. 

PostDivorceGlowUp.com

Email: quinn@postdivorceglowup.com

Transcript

0:49

Hey baby. I thought I'd mix it up instead of saying hello, lover. I don't know. I just thought it was funny. How was Halloween for you? I'm recording this just a few days past Halloween and I had this full circle moment this weekend. For those of you who are not in the us, Halloween may not be a big deal, but in the US and especially my neighborhood, we go all out. We have neighbors who decorate with lights and blow up decorations. Things hanging from trees and people setting up haunted houses or haunted garages. We have one family that does a free hot dog stand. It is so much fun, it's just a party in the streets. And at my house, I had my college girls come over and my younger kids with there, and they had their friends. Some of them were going to sleep over plus. My kids' step siblings, I always wanna refer to them as my step kids, but they're not technically my step kids, but they are the step kids of my husband. So for all the complaining about what a terrible person and parent I am, my husband. And his wife sent her children to my house for the night. And I gotta say it was a solid choice. It was a solid choice. It was so much fun. There was so much joy and laughter and so much candy. Ugh. That's the part of Halloween I do not love. Well, I sort of love it, but. Not for too long, but it just felt like one big happy family, plus a lot of friends. It was so great. I did have to take a three hour nap the next day. So here we are. Thank you for joining me. Part three of reclaiming the Divorced Body. In parts one and two, we talked a lot about coming home to your body and learning her language of safety. And today we are going to dive into touch and pleasure. While we're also going to dig into boundaries because without boundaries touch, that should be pleasurable, can be incredibly traumatic. Now, pleasure is not something extra credit that you get to earn after you have finished healing, but it can be a means of healing. It's just like women who say, I wanna heal before I get into a relationship. there's some really good work to do on your own before getting into another relationship. But I also want to be a voice of reason saying that sometimes it's in relationship where we can do the most healing. And so for those of you for whom pleasure. And touch was not something healing, but did not feel good. Maybe even felt traumatic within your marriage. Diving into pleasure outside of that marriage, during your divorce time can be, it's not always, but it can be part of that path to healing. So I want you to remember what Hillary McBride talked about. I've quoted her a few times in the last couple of episodes where she says, our bodies are not problems to be solved. They're homes to be tended. And OMG, Audra Lorde, if you have not read her essay about, um, the erotic, it is so beautiful, but one of the. Sentences that really jumped out for me was when she said caring for myself is not self-indulgence. It is self preservation, a men and a men, let's tend the home. Let's preserve the woman who lives here. so let me tell you where we're headed. We're going to talk about building safety before we dive into sensation. We're going to talk about practicing consent, not just in this area of our life, but really digging into. Being more consensual in all the areas of our life. And of course, I want to leave you with like a plan of what you can actually do if this is work that you are interested in. first of all. I want to encourage you to look straight at the shame that you have about pleasure. Many of us learned to be good at sex in our marriages by ignoring ourselves by saying yes, when our body was saying no. We learned that we could laugh off discomfort or just disassociate, like, okay, I am available. I mean, for me, I, I didn't want to be the kind of wife that used sex as a weapon or as punishment, and so I feel like I made myself. Far too available and I'm a person that really loves sex. I love sensational touch and just all of the juicy goodness of sex. But when I was saying yes, when I didn't want to, it was just this mind, fuck. one of my biggest missteps, I think in my marriage because I was prioritizing what my husband wanted over what my body was telling me that she truly needed. Now, a lot of us. Come out of marriages. Think that thinking that we have low libido, low desire, we don't like sex, but a lot of time that's just your nervous system doing its best to keep you safe because yeah, you didn't like non-consensual shit that was happening in your marriage. Absolutely. Absolutely. So there are a lot of common patterns that we take from our marriages and we bring it into our post-divorce life. And one of those common patterns is fawning in bed. When you're showing up in a way to please the person that has the potential to do you harm, so you might over accommodate, you might apologize, your caretaking your partner's ego, and so many of you just. Beat the crap out of yourself. When you see yourself doing this and you're just not sure what to do, another common response is to freeze This freeze response manifests as low libido because you just shut down instead of being able to stay mindful and actually choose what you want in the present moment. Another common. Pattern that I see is loneliness, bargains. This is when you say yes to touch that you don't want because any touch. Feels better than no touch, and you are simply very skin hungry and you really want to be touched. Now in my part of the world, in my little part of the internet, we don't shame any of this. We honor it. Survival and then we gently unpack it and we learn and practice another way Now pleasure without feeling safe, can feel like walking into a field with a bunch of landmines. So our pillars to make sure that you are having the kind of experience that is healing rather than traumatizing is first safety. Second is curiosity, and third is consent, and it's in that order. Safety, curiosity, consent. These are just three tiny setups before any touch, and this means even before you are touching you for pleasure. So whether solo or partnered, safety, curiosity, consent. I'm gonna tell you how we're gonna do this. So number one, we're gonna take at least 90 seconds to downshift. Now remember the physiological sigh that was in the prior podcast. We breathe in through our nose and at the very top when we think we can't take in any more air, we sniff in just a little bit more, and then we breathe it all out through our mouth. Okay? So just do this with me right now. So in this downshift, you're going to do that twice. Two physiological size, and then you're going to do one slow Orientation. Remember, that's when you are turning your head, you're noticing your surroundings, and you're going to name three things that you see. So for me, I see my water bottle, I see my Peloton bike. I see some tarot cards. So that downshift, it's going to bring your nervous system into the present moment. It's going to bring your awareness. Into the present moment. Okay. Our second step is we're just going to use red, yellow, and green maybe. I don't know if this is universal, I'm thinking it is, but we're going to use red, yellow, and green for green, being that you are curious and you are connected. And yellow is, I'm unsure. I need to slow down. And red is, I'm shut down. We need to stop. So this color state and stoplight rule being green is go, yellow, is slow, and check in and red is stop. We're going to use this as you communicate to yourself and then as you communicate with your partner, because sometimes when we're in the middle of a situation, We don't have access, literal access to the language centers of our brain to explain what's going on. But if you can just say yellow or. Red, then sometimes that's enough for your partner to be able to take that cue and to slow down or to stop and repair whatever was feeling traumatic or non-consensual. And if you only remember one thing, you never owe your body to anyone. Never. I have a daughter who has been dating a guy for a couple of weeks, and she said, I don't know if I like him yet. And I thought, of course you don't. You've only known him a couple of weeks, you've been out three or four times, so they're getting to know each other. So just because you go on a date with someone, and I know you know this in your mind, but I wanna tell you again, just because you go out on a date with someone just because they buy you a drink just because. Anything does not mean you owe your body to them. They cannot buy access to your body for the price of a dinner. You get to say who gets access to your body? Now, this younger generation. Is getting more information about consent than I ever did. And so I get to learn from my college girls more about consent. But let's talk about consent, especially with yourself, that it starts inside. So many of us, and especially in our marriages, we got used to saying yes to things when our body was telling us no. So one of the things we really need to work on is to. Ask ourselves and to find out what a full-bodied yes feels like and what a full-bodied no feels like, so that we are reconnecting with the compass within ourselves and knowing what it is. Our body wants. So right now, just sit or stand and ask yourself a neutral yes or no question. So if I ask myself, my name is Joe. And I'm just going to notice micro signals. That's not my name. And so I am noticing micro signals within my body and notice in a no answer if there is a. A collapsing or a tightening, or is it the other way around? Does it feel like an explosion, like a grenade just went off? Do you pull back? Is it tight? Do you freeze? What does yes feel like? What does no feel like? And when I put my hand on my heart and I say, my name is Quinn and I'm sexy as hell. And then I feel like this bubbly sensation throughout my body. But now let's ask yourself about touch. Ask yourself, do I want a hand on my heart for 30 seconds? And then obey that answer exactly when you wanna put. Chapstick on tis the season. You know, it's getting pretty dry here in the desert. So when I look at my options for Chapsticks, just asking myself, which one do I want? And then follow that exactly. It's these little things that we start to build trust with our body that we check in and we remind ourselves. I will not override myself and what my body is telling me just for a chance to be chosen. Now, this is where a coach, a friend, someone that you trust, that you can be honest with when you mess up and can hold you to account. This is where that person becomes very valuable. Because to sit with someone who will not judge you, when you say, I said yes, but I wanted to say no. Who can hold you in that place of love? We hold so much shame about saying yes when we want to say no, but it's not just us. Through generations of time, women have been fawning and doing whatever it takes in order to survive. So. Sister, I have so much compassion for you. So please, above all else, don't buy into the shame we're doing what we're doing, and as we know better, we will do better. Okay, so something that my lover, the Mystic had done is that he sent me. To a website that had something called kink jars. And a kink jar is where you put everything that you are a yes to or a maybe to, I mean, for instance, a yes could be a. I am open to lingerie. A maybe might be. I'm open to being blindfolded and a no might be butt stuff. Or maybe for you it's the other way around. It's, it's yes to butt stuff and it's a no for lingerie, whatever it is for you. But I want you to start exploring sites that talk about kink jars. Now, kink isn't just BDSM or something like that. Everything and anything is in there, and until you know it's on the menu, you may not even understand what you are choosing from. So I want you to make three columns, a yes, a no, and a maybe for context as well as touching. So a yes is. Unequivocal, I'm up for this. A maybe has conditions, it might be I need a certain lighting, I need certain music, or there's a time limit, or I'm going to need aftercare, or we're going to have, choose a safe word. And then the never is, never unless at some point you want to move it into the maybe and sometimes your maybes get moved. To the no zone and all of it is okay. All of it is okay, but taking it all out in the light of day can help us make decisions ahead of time so that we're not stuck in a moment and our partner is unclear with what's okay and what's not okay. We want. Your safety to be prioritized because remember, safety, curiosity, consent. So making this list, being curious about what's on the menu for pleasure and for touch. We wanna make sure you're safe. I want to allow your curiosity to see what's available, and then we're practicing consent, but again, in that order, safety, curiosity, consent. So let's talk about reclaiming touch. We've talked about getting in tune with your body. We've talked about looking at the menu, deciding what you're okay with, what you're not okay with. And I want you to think of skill ladders, not as a performance test, but rather a way of building capacity. So as you start to explore touching yourself, Perhaps you are the girly that can absolutely get herself off, and I want you to back off because I want you to spend a few minutes every day. focusing on non-sexual zones, because right now this practice isn't orgasm focused. It is on pleasure, and pleasure can include an orgasm for sure, but not necessarily. So days one through three non-sexual zones on your body. Only, or if you're a girl who's like, uh, that's not gonna happen. Include the non-sexual zones. So we're talking about, and, and even as I say these, I'm like, these are all so sexy. Okay, so not your vagina, not your clit. So I'm talking hands, face, scalp, neck, shoulders. Arms, calves, feet, start exploring texture and temperature and pressure. Maybe feathers and chains and whips and leather and metal and velvets and just silk. You know, all of these different ways to feel pleasure, but in the. body parts that are further out from the center, and then on day four through six, let's go to torso, hips, and thighs and really spend time exploring. I know that for, for sex in my marriage, it was pretty formulaic. I mean, it was 23 years. And I knew it was like, push the button, pull the chain, and kaboom, and we're done. And. It was not great and so as I have learned to slow down and seek pleasure instead of orgasm, it has become so much more, so much more pleasurable, so much more sensual, and it feels so much safer. So days one through three non-sexual zones, quote unquote, exploring texture, temperature, pressure, days four through six, torso, hips, thighs, and then on day seven, optional sexual zones. And only if you are a green, only if it's green go. This is what I want to do. And I want you to ask yourself, what would make this just 1% more pleasurable, a different position, a different temperature, a different pressure? I want you to start thinking about your pleasure in terms of. Doing a full body scan, so it's just not dick in vagina or stimulation to the clit. It's what do I feel on my skin in this moment? And notice your skin. What do I hear? Is there music? Is there someone vacuuming my hallway? Which would be such a turn on, what do I smell? Is it a pleasant smell? Is it an unpleasant smell? What do I see? What do I taste Sink in to the ways that you can feel pleasure in the moment. add some one thing that can make it a little better. Maybe a soft fabric or a warm shower, a favorite scent, something sprayed on the pillow. Small changes can have such big outcomes when we're talking about pleasure and not just orgasm. And then aftercare. When you have gone deep into the sensations with yourself, I want you to take care of yourself the way you would hope a lover would take care of you. So there's water, there's warmth, there's slow breaths, there's kind words, Thank you body. Thank you for showing up for me in this way. I want you to focus on being so, so kind to your body. It's very common for women to feel like we need to go at the pace of our partner when we are having sex or. Pleasure time with someone, and I want to encourage you to slow way, way, way, way, way down. If there was one thing I could tell women for the best sex ever is to make sure you only have sex when it's 100% consensual and that you slow. Down, slow down speed is not where it's at for most women. Now, if you are one of my speedy ladies and you just wanna, Quickie, no shame, but I'm saying for a lot of you, you need to slow down. So let's talk about boundaries because this is how pleasure stay safe. So I want you to steal these micro scripts. I want you to say things like, I'm a yes to this. I'm a no to this. I would like this instead. So remember my example of the three columns and we've got lingerie as a yes. Being blindfolded is a maybe and but stuff is a no. So I'm a yes to lingerie. I'm a no to butt stuff. I would like. Lingerie and how about you get to blindfold me instead Another sentence that is great is just to say, pause. I need a breath check, or I just need a moment. Another phrase, I am, I'm a yellow right now. Just slow down please, and especially if you've communicated this to your partner ahead of time so that they know what is going on for you. if you're having sex with a partner, I hope you're with someone that gives a damn about you. And gives a damn about your pleasure. Another phrase is. No to that tonight, but yes to cuddling in music or whatever is good for you. And if you're dating and someone is pressuring you for sex, you can say, I don't decide in the moment. I'll text you tomorrow. It's okay to take time. I mean, I, I hope that those of us who have been through marriage and divorce, we know that the man is not the prize. the prize is showing up and trusting. Ourselves and being there for ourselves. And if we can stay there for ourselves and be there for a partner, that is like the ultimate prize. Now I, I mentioned slowing down when having sex, but I've really got to encourage you guys to slow down when you're dating. Just like with my daughter, not knowing within two weeks if she really likes this guy, it's okay to get to know someone. There's a great book, I'll, I'll link it in the show notes. I think it's called Stop Dating Assholes or something like that. And this dating coach, she encourages people to get really clear on what they're looking for and to not kiss or have sex for three months. And her hypothesis is that. Men who are truly interested in getting to know you as a person are the keepers, and those who are just short-term thinkers, they're not going to stick around and you're better off without them. I think she's got some really good information in her books, so I'll link that in the show notes. That being said, when you're dating, you want to be checking in with the person you're dating and see how do they respond. To a no answer. Do they pout? Do they pressure? Is there punishment? Do they withdraw? Can they repair the relationship? When they make a mistake, are they able to have enough self-awareness to see the impact? That they've had on you and they can own their missteps, or are they not even aware at all? Can they pace well? Can they go slow? Can they build intimacy and build trust over time? Do they offer aftercare? Do they check in with you? Not just in the immediate aftermath of like post-coital bliss, but like the next day making sure your body is okay, that your brain is okay, there's such a thing as possible, but that there's a level of aftercare that feels good to you. Now, I wanna talk about three replacements for patterns that are not helpful and give you some other options. The first is apology. Rather than saying, I'm so sorry, I can't do this right now, or I'm not up for this right now, shift it to. Appreciation plus boundary. So instead of, I'm sorry, I'm not in the mood for sex tonight, saying thank you for understanding that I am a no for tonight. and I gotta say among my clients, so many women apologize for just the dumbest things. It feels like we're constantly apologizing, so I really do like my women to not apologize and instead just say thank you. Thank you for understanding. the next pattern I want to talk about is going from silence and not saying anything. And instead moving to words that express sensation. So rather than just going along, you're going to stop and you're going to say what you're feeling. I feel tightness in my chest. Let's slow down. And you're not asking to slow down. You're not saying, can we slow down? We're slowing the fuck down. I feel tightness in my chest. Let slow down because the more pleasure you have when you are with your partner, the more you're gonna wanna be with that partner. If it's good for you, I promise you it's going to be good for your partner. I feel tightness in my chest. Let's slow down. And the third pattern is to go from compliance to collaboration. So rather than just going along again with whatever is happening and you're just compliant to what someone else wants, you're going to collaborate. And you can do this by saying, let's do this for the next 10 minutes and then I want to check in and my safe words are, stop, slow, go. And that way you have a common language and there is this teamwork. Teamwork makes the dream work, you know, for everybody because your ability to show up in a way that feels good to you. This, this isn't a performance, but it is a practice for many of us. We spent years practicing showing up in ways that don't actually. Serve us. So let's talk about a seven day pleasure without pressure plan. So many Ps. So day one. You're gonna create your yes no and maybe list, it'll just take, you know, five or 10 minutes, just Google kink jars or what is on the menu sexually these days. And you'll, you get to create your yes, your no and your maybe for things that interest you. Things that you're curious about, things that are a hell no. All of it's okay, but at least you know, day two is body compass with non-sexual touch. so we're focusing on what feels like a yes. What feels like a no. And it can be anything When people are asking you to do things in your day-to-day life, checking in with your body, is that a green? Is it a yellow? Is it a red day? Three, start focusing on the sensational ladder we talked about with starting with your hands and forearms, your feet. It's just some of the, the non-sexual but highly pleasurable touch on your body. Day four, I'm thinking boundary rehearsal. It's so good to practice setting boundaries out loud before you have to say. Anything. It is so good. It's so good because then in the moment, you're just giving a practice line. You're not having to even think about it. So that's day four. Practicing some boundary setting scripts. Day five, a sensory shower or lotion ritual. OMG. I love this. My shower is my favorite place because I get to vary textures and temperatures. It is so luscious. I love my shower, my shower's a whole thing. And then day six. A co-regulation date. Do you have a friend or pet or a favorite tree? Favorite place that you can go and co-regulate? Nature is fantastic if you have a good friend that you can co-regulate with. This is a no complaining zone, so don't go and hear about the government shut down or something. Allow your nervous system to check in with their nervous system and see how it feels. Notice how you feel before you go and after you go. And then day seven, I wanna know more about your aftercare ritual. Like what is the kind of aftercare that you would really love from someone because. Ah, so many men really just wanna please women. And so if you can say, this is what I like for aftercare, I, they're gonna be up for it. A lot of them are gonna be up for it. Maybe not your ex, but the next probably will be. But ask yourself just overall in your life, What would make my life of sensation and pleasure feel 1% safer or more alive this week and keep checking in with your body because the sooner you notice your body and you notice any kind of dysregulation, it gives you an opportunity to choose safety more often. I told you at the beginning, and I want to tell you again, you don't earn pleasure by being good. Pleasure is a birthright by having a human body. Human bodies can be super fucking pleasurable. Safety. Is the soil, is the environment where pleasure can grow. And some of you may be like, no, I'm, I'm kinky in that. I don't want it to be super safe, but. Yeah, even that, even that you probably have parameters of what your safety edge is, so I kind of don't believe you, but you may have a more expansive definition of what feels safe and what feels exciting to you. All right. Mastery here in pleasure does not mean control. It just means being in companionship, in relationship with your body. And I wanted to mention some of the other podcast episodes that may be helpful follow ups for this one, um, episode 49 called Vitamin OI think it's about the importance of female orgasm. So if you are all about the o. That's a great one. Um, 34. Pleasure is mine about reclaiming pleasure. Episode 30, strategies for Feeling Safe and episode 24, healing from Marital Rape. I think Brita, Joe and I will be doing. A conversation about sexual coercion soon, sadly, but it's something that so many of us have dealt with, and it became so normalized in our culture, and sadly, I think it's still pretty normalized. Ah, all right, babe. If today helped you, take a deep breath and exhale. Share this episode with a sister who is ready to retire, fawning, and reclaim her full bodied. Yes. Rate, review, subscribe so you don't miss part four. Next week I'm gonna be talking to you about embodiment as a spiritual practice. We're gonna talk about intuition and movement and creativity as. Daily rituals, a belonging to yourself. I love you. Your body is here waiting for you. Oh, I love your body. I love my body. I'm so grateful to have a human body. All right, I will talk to you next week.