1. Rage and Resentment: My Real Postpartum Story Pt1

In this first episode of *Stethoscopes & Strollers*, I'm diving deep into my own postpartum journey, sharing the raw, real, and unfiltered version of what I experienced as a physician mom. It’s the untold story that inspired me to become a coach for physician moms and help others who are navigating the challenging early years of motherhood.

Key Points Covered:

- Expectations vs. Reality: I talk about how my expectations for my second postpartum journey were upended, even with better support and control over my schedule. Despite my optimism, it was still a challenging time.

- Physical Pain and Breastfeeding Struggles: I detail my intense pain following childbirth, breastfeeding difficulties due to an anatomy mismatch, and how my daughter’s reflux added to the challenges.

- Support System Dynamics: Despite having my mom and husband nearby, their focus on their own experiences made it hard for me to feel fully supported.

- Navigating Marriage and Parenting: My husband and I struggled to divide responsibilities equitably, leading to resentment. A trip to Cabo became a turning point in our relationship after intense conversations and a humorous therapy mishap.

- Finding Community in Friends: My friend Dr. P was a lifeline through it all. Her non-judgmental support validated my feelings and gave me the strength to continue.

- Importance of Self-Care: I learned the value of asking for help and prioritizing my healing through pelvic floor therapy, regular massages, and mental health support.

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Transcript

  Welcome to.  Stethoscopes and Strollers, the first episode. I am so excited you are here. And I wanted to start off with sharing my story with you, my postpartum story. It is why I started doing my work as a coach for physician moms in the early years of motherhood, and why I'm so passionate about helping moms during this time.

And to be completely honest, The story that I have been telling is like the socially acceptable version. This is like the real vision, right? So real that I had to talk to my husband to make sure that he was okay with it. And you will see why. And just so you know, there's a good friend that I had from medical school who I was talking to during this time, and I'll be referring to her quite a bit.

So let's call her Dr. P, right? You know, my first postpartum journey. was rough, but I thought it was just because it was COVID, right? We were alone. I was employed at that time. It was just different. So the second time around, which was last year of 2023,  I was self employed. I had full control of my schedule.

My mom was going to be here for a couple months. And then my mother in law, I thought I would need less time off. completely because a lot of my work that I was doing was from home. You know, I was doing speaking, content creation, and then still was going to do my locum's work, the three month mark, like I did before.

And, you know, I knew a lot of entrepreneurs who had continued working during their postpartum  period, like immediately, like my wedding planner, she had a child and then continue planning my wedding. Right. So I was like, okay, I got this. So after my daughter was born.  That was early February.  The delivery was pretty uncomplicated,  but afterwards I was in a lot of pain.

The pregnancy was pretty painful. My daughter was huge. I actually had to stop working pretty early  and it only got worse after I had her. So there was my coccyx pain that really prevented me from laying down, from sitting, from standing for too long, like I could not get comfortable, and of course I was breastfeeding, and that was also painful.

You know, the latch, was fine. It was just an anatomy mismatch. Like her little mouth was just too small for my new anatomy, which my nipples got huge after my son and then during the pregnancy got even bigger. So there was no amount of lactation consultants or anything that could make it. less painful.

She just needed to grow. So while I was waiting for her to grow, I had severe pain with breastfeeding and she just needed more milk than my son ever did. I was able to feed him from one side from the very beginning until 22 months later when I stopped breastfeeding. But with her, I had to switch sides, which it was just, you know, in comparison, I didn't expect.

Need to do it before. So it took me a while to figure that out. And while I was figuring it out, she was screaming because she was not getting enough and I was trying to figure out what was going on. And also, she spat up quite a bit. She had reflux. So it was, you know, screaming from being hungry, be until I figured out that she needed both sides.

It was screaming because of the reflux. She did not like being on her tummy at all. So. I had the added guilt of not doing tummy time because, you know, she would scream. So it was difficult for me physically in that respect. And then I just found that everyone was basically focusing on their own experience.

So I was so happy to have the support of my mom. My husband was here, but that comes with its own issues, right? So I remember it was a few days postpartum when my mom. Saw me hobbling around because I was in pain and she was like, why are you walking like that? I was like, well, you know, I just had a baby.

She's like,  oh, I I wasn't like that when I after I had you I was up helping the midwives delivers other people's babies And I just remember being like, you're so lucky. I love you, lady. Like, why would you tell me that?  And so it was just not what I needed to hear at the time. And  with my husband,  he just, God bless him, he just did not get it.

And it was very obvious that that was the case when also a few days after we came home, He goes, yeah, you know, I'm so tired. We just need to find an equitable way to divide these duties.  And I think I wanted to stab him in his eyeballs at that point, you know? So it was just very clear that he didn't get it and was very focused on his own experience. 

I tried to tell them, You know, this is the way that things need to be done, for example, the way that you hold her, like I mentioned before, she didn't like being on her tummy, that also included being on people's chest, you know, that's, people want to cuddle a newborn, so they would lay her on their chest, and she would scream, and then they started complaining that she was crying too much, and I was like, well, you know, she doesn't like to be held that way, If you hold her up, so I used to hold her in the crook of my arm upright between her feedings because of the reflux and all of that.

So she would spend most of the time just upright like that.  Nobody wanted to listen. So she would cry and then they were like, well, something's wrong with her. Why is she crying? And then at that point, when she cried a lot, she started coughing. So then it was, Oh, well, something's wrong. Something's wrong with her.

She's coughing. And I was just like, well, no, if you actually listened to what I'm telling you,  you would know why this is happening and it would be able to stop. So there was a lot of frustration there. And.  I tried to tell my husband, you know, I really need your support during this time. I need you to listen to what I'm saying.

And every time I tried to talk to him,  he would get super defensive. And there was a little bit of background with our first baby. He felt like, you know, it was never enough what he was doing. I could never be satisfied. So those issues started rearing. It's head again,  and  just he kind of started to check out a little bit so he had time off from work and he decided to go to New Jersey where we had some rental properties to figure that out during the time he was also. 

Hang out with his friends and, you know, he had a friend from the military that came into town, went out with him, leaving me alone with the children and children because it was flu season. So we kept my son home for like the first month so that he wouldn't expose my daughter. So it was two of them and my son was three at the time, very needy as you know, you could expect.

No, wait, he was actually two and a half at the time.  So it was a lot and I just felt like he could opt out of parenting and I did not have that luxury.  So I started to become very resentful and I remember telling P  I just felt disregarded during this time and nobody really cared that I was healing and I felt like I understood where he was coming from in terms of the things that were triggering him.

And I thought, well, you know, I have to be mindful of how I made requests. But at the same time, I really don't have the time or the energy to navigate your emotions. You know, I just had a baby,  deal with it. So it was a very difficult time. And I don't know if I mentioned before, P was pregnant. at the same time.

So I remember telling her, get a night nurse, just pay somebody to do things exactly how you need them to be, because I don't want you to have to go through what I'm going through, right? So with all of this going on, I was also working. So, I hadn't started doing clinical work yet, so with my advocacy work and my social media and also planning for our move to Houston and opening a practice, all of those things, I was sending emails, like, I went back to check my emails, two weeks postpartum, I was sending emails about what's EHRs and all sorts of different things.

I had a virtual conference that I attended on the 27th of February. My daughter was born on the 2nd. I had an in person speaking engagement on March 11th. That was about six weeks postpartum. So while I was resentful, while I was angry and dealing with all of these things at home and my physical pain, I was acting outwardly like everything was fine and it wasn't, you know, a big deal.

So time went on, all of these things continued and it was getting close to my birthday. I am a huge birthday person. My birthday is a big deal to me  and it was Our plan to go on a family trip to Cabo, never been to Cabo before. It was close enough, one flight to make it easy. And everybody was going, seeing my husband's behavior.

My mother became very angry. She didn't like what she was seeing and how he was acting with me and with the kids. So she actually told me.  that she didn't want to go anymore. So now I have to manage the relationship between the two of them. I'm feeling embarrassed that I even have to do this when I'm supposed to be recovering and all of that.

I spoke to my husband again. He tried, but it was like a little too late and it was just not enough. He actually even tried to. You know, butter me up by buying some engraved AirPods and it was a nice gesture, but I was just like, eh, okay. So I had started to pull away socially, like my friends were inviting me to stuff.

I was just like, yeah, no, I'm not going to do that. I, you know, started saying, well, I just need to get away a little bit. So I went and got my nails done alone for the first time. And that was great, but it wasn't enough. Like I still just felt like I wasn't getting the support that I needed. So I talked to him again and he got very angry. 

and said that if you weren't here, then things would just keep moving, you know, implying that all these things that I want done a certain way weren't actually that important. And,  you know, he, he's got it. Right. And I just remember being like, you have no idea what's going on. what I do to keep this house running.

Like you don't. So forget the actual feeding the child from my body part. There's also the management of my toddler who by then had gone back to school. You know, they manage like everything, everything that it takes to run a house.  You, it seems seamless because I'm doing it all, all while I'm supposed to be healing.

So I told my friend, I was like, I wish I could just walk away, but I would miss my babies.  And I just remember feeling very guilty that I even felt that way. But I was just like, I can't deal with this anymore. If I'm non essential in my house, then what am I doing here?  And The guilt with my daughter was even worse because of the breastfeeding, right?

That was like the main issue. Like I wanted to stop because of how frequently I had to feed her on the pain, but I didn't want to stop because I actually loved breastfeeding. I did with my son. I loved breastfeeding her once, you know,  I became numb to the pain and it was a special time and I knew this would be our last baby.

So I did not want to. just stop abruptly, but it was taking a toll. And then my son was crying a lot. He was, you know, not dealing well with the transition.  So I just started thinking, you know, I really just don't want to be here anymore. And I was thinking about the trip to Kabul,  and I was just like, I don't want any demands on my body.

I just want to be  around people that don't need anything from me. So I started thinking, well, you know, what if I went by myself? That would be depressing because it's my birthday. So, okay, what if I find a friend to go with me, but I don't really want to have to explain.  To anybody else, what's going on? I tried  thinking, well, let me get my sisters, but they had to work and I was just like, do I have subclinical depression or am I just exhausted and angry?

Like I couldn't figure it out. Like I knew I was not okay,  and I knew I needed a break, but I just really didn't know what.  do about it.  So as you remember, I was still working and I had a speaking engagement that was virtual, maybe like a week before we were meant to go on the trip.  And I was just like, everything came to a head and I was like, yeah, I can't do this anymore.

So I emailed them and said, I'm sorry, I have to cancel. I will reschedule when I'm a little more healed from my postpartum journey. I sat my husband down. And I was like, yeah, I've been thinking about it, and  I can't do this anymore. I'm going to go to Kabul alone.  You all stay here. I just need some time. I need time to think. 

And  I don't know what I was expecting him to say, but I definitely wasn't expecting him to say, well, if you go alone. This will be the end of us.