33. Debunking the Myth of Maternal Instinct: Why Education trumps 'Intuition' in Parenting

Hey doc! In this episode, I'm challenging the notion of 'maternal instinct.' I dive into:

• Why most of what we consider 'instinct' is actually learned behavior
• How socialization shapes our parenting skills
• The pressure this myth puts on both moms and dads
• Why recognizing this can lead to more compassionate parenting

Key takeaways:

1. True instincts are about survival, not diaper changes
2. Most parenting skills are learned, not innate
3. Recognizing this can relieve pressure and guilt
4. We need to educate all genders equally about childcare

Remember, doc, not feeling an instant connection or knowing everything doesn't make you a bad parent. Let's reframe our expectations and give ourselves (and our partners) some grace!

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Transcript

 Hey doc, I want to talk today about maternal instinct and the fact that that shit don't exist. Yes,  I'm standing ten toes down on that. I don't think it exists, at least in the way that it is traditionally thought about, and I'm going to tell you why. So, to me, instinct is  the things that are deeply embedded in our nervous system.

The things that help us survive over millennia, help us reproduce, propagate these species. You know, that instinct to protect, that to me is a maternal instinct. Like if somebody's coming at my child, I'm like, I'm ready. You know, that is instinct.  What I don't think is instinct is the ability to play with a baby.

And be entertained by one. And to know how to change a diaper. But you hear people saying things like that. Like, I remember I was in one of our many Facebook groups and this doc made a post anonymously about her husband and she started off by saying, , I'm anonymous because I don't want to embarrass my husband.

, be kind to him. He, I know he's going to get a lot of flack for this, but he doesn't even know how to play with a baby. Like, he doesn't have any paternal instinct  and I was just like, What?  Like, you don't have that instinct either. You were taught all of those things. 

None of that is instinct. And I think once you realize that, a lot of the pressure of  motherhood and being a good mother and parenthood, because as  you can see by that post, it affects husbands as well. A lot of that pressure will be released because. It is not instinct. For the majority of these things, it is education.

And whether that education was active or passive, conscious or unconscious, a lot of it is just a lot of education. So think about it.

You may have grown up in a household where your mom was a stay at home mom.  You have siblings. You saw her taking care of the siblings. You have cousins. You saw them being taken care of. You are socialized to be a mother.  What is the gift that little girls get? A baby doll, right? The baby alive thing was when we were kids.

You feed the baby, change a diaper. I, when I was in high school,  there was a class called clothing and textiles, where we would sew little bags and little shirts, we had home ec, we learned to cook and set a place and  all of that is teaching us as women to be homemakers, to be mothers.

I don't even know if they're still home ec now. Maybe. I don't know.  All of that is education.  All of that is telling us what to do when we get to this point where we are ready to have children. And if you recognize that,  and take it for what it is,  then, You can give other people a little bit of a break other people like your husband because just like we were socialized to Be mothers and we were unconsciously trained.

They were not they were unconsciously trained To do all the opposite, to be outside and, you know, be rugged and be hard and, you know, not be around  women taking care of babies and whatever a stereotypical thing you can think of for , a young boy growing up, that's the education that he had.

So is it really so far fetched to believe that That doc's husband didn't know how to play with a baby and change a diaper?  I don't think so. And on that note,  I may be in the minority, but babies are boring. They're cute. Don't get me wrong. I love them. But before they can really talk and interact, I don't know how to play with a baby either.

Like, I can look lovingly, I can dangle some things, but to fill those wake windows with engaging educational things. It's just like, I don't, I don't know what to do with you, baby. Like, why are you staring at me? You used to be sleeping a lot and now you're like expecting me to, to interact? Like, I don't know.

And even as they get older, you have to have, like, a certain level of stamina and playfulness. And again, the things that are considered as instinct, it's a lot of personality. People who can spend all day playing with, you know, toddlers and preschoolers. A lot of that is personality.  And that could be men or women, because I do know men who can play with children like that.

So when you start removing all of this instinctual nonsense,  it just releases pressure because I'm pretty sure it's not just husbands. I am sure there is a doc out there listening right now who feels like she had no maternal instinct at all. And who feels bad about it? Because you see these other women, you see these posts, and you're like, Ehhh,  that's not me.

I don't feel that. I don't know what to do with this baby. I didn't know how to change her diaper. I didn't know X, Y, Z. So what happened to my instincts? Something must be wrong with me.  Am I broken? I don't know. But no, you probably did not have that education that everybody else seemed to have because they grew up  in  Modern day society, Western culture, where this is what we were taught to do.

And even if,  okay, forget the socialization part, you live in a super progressive household, you were outside chopping wood, with your dad, whatever, I picked the most stereotypical activity you could do that was anti girl.  As physicians, we like to learn, we like to be prepared, we like to research. So from the time you think I think I might want to have a child you start reading you start joining groups You around other people you're paying attention gathering information.

You have like 15 books on the best Diapers to use and how to sleep train and how to not sleep train and all of these things I joined What is the name of this group?  Parents for respectful parenting or gentle parents for gentle parenting, whatever. I joined some parenting group before I even had my son, because I wanted to just see how people were doing, you know, a different type of parenting than how I grew up.

All of that is education. So that's a little bit more active, but it's education. Do you think your husband was in dad groups  trying to figure out how to, how to raise a baby? These are not excuses.  I'm just saying a lot of what you think is instinctual because you are a woman, because you carry the child, is actually due to your education. 

And if we are being fair and real. A lot of men did not have that education, and it is not a normal thing for them to seek out that education. Because nobody is telling them that they need to know nobody is talking about this stuff. People are still saying that everything that I just talked about is instinct.

I even saw a post recently where  the doc who was posting, her nanny,  said  That she had a wifely instinct  because she was doing laundry for them and she told the doc's husband, Oh, I can't just see laundry laying around. I just have to do it. It's my wifely instinct.  What?  That is a coping mechanism.  Because of all of the socialization that we have had, because you were raised to think that if there is laundry, you must do it.

Nobody else must do it. It is a woman's job. It is a wife's job.  That's why you think that way. It's not because you have a wifely instinct. That's not a maternal instinct. That's not an instinct at all.  Nobody is going to die  if the laundry is not done. That's what instincts are for, is to keep us alive.  So let's be real with ourselves.

And with our partners, let's give ourselves and our partners some grace because maternal instinct, paternal instinct, parental instinct does not exist. It is not a thing. It is just education. And what we need to do is, as these young ones are coming up,  Both male and female and anything in between,  they need to be educated about hey, if you want to have a child, this is, this is what needs to happen.

If you want to have a child, if you don't want to have a child, cool.  Right?  Not forcing any roles on anybody. Definitely no gender roles. Yes, this is a progressive space. Give everybody the education and stop all this nonsense about instinct, propagating the species. That's, that's instinct.  Protection, reproduction. 

Those are the things that are instinctual  that we have as mothers.  So give yourself a break, give your husband a break  and  let's stop  with the instinct.  Okay. So that is all I have for you today. That was my little soapbox.  Appreciate you for listening. Make sure you leave a five star review for the podcast and share this episode with another physician mom who is worried about her lack of maternal instinct, who is angry at her husband for not having paternal instinct, or just in general, somebody who wants to be entertained by this random person going on and on about the fact that maternal instinct does not exist.

They will appreciate it and it will reach somebody who could actually help. And if you are a physician mom in the early years of motherhood and you want different perspectives, you need this type of  change in the way that you think about this time to help you just thrive in this period and not feel like you're drowning by all these expectations about maternal instinct and other things.

Set up a free coaching session with me. The link is in the show notes is also on my website and the goal is to shed all of these  Antiquated ideas about motherhood and help you create the type of motherhood experience that will Lead you towards that dream life that you have where you are not stressed, not comparing yourself to other people, not feeling like you're not good enough because you are.

You are everything that you need to be for your family, for your kids, and for  yourself. Right. I will see you on the next episode of Stethoscopes and Strollers and Strollers.