42. Behind the Scenes: A Raw Conversation with My Husband About Our Early Parenthood Journey

Hey doc, in this special episode of ✨Stethoscopes and Strollers✨, my husband Adé joins me for an intimate conversation about our journey through early parenthood. We dive deep into the challenges, transformations, and lessons learned along the way.

From navigating those early postpartum days to rebuilding our partnership, we share openly about:

• How becoming parents changed our dynamic
• The impact of postpartum struggles on our marriage
• Our breaking point and path to healing
• The power of understanding each other's experiences
• Building a stronger partnership through challenges

Key takeaways:

• Early parenthood challenges affect both partners differently
• Support is crucial for relationship survival
• Communication breaks down gradually but can be rebuilt
• Understanding your partner's experience matters
• Strong partnerships require intentional work

Doc, the journey through early parenthood isn't easy, but with the right support and understanding, your relationship can emerge stronger.

Remember to subscribe to "Stethoscopes and Strollers" on your favorite podcast platform so you never miss an episode of encouragement and empowerment.

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Transcript

I'm really honored to be able to interview both of you. I think so often, Dr. Latoya, you share incredible wisdom and you represent, you know, your husband, your marriage, your family, and it's a totally incredible and valuable opportunity to be able to really hear what your experience is Adé . Your experience is the context, the background, and the contribution to everything that LaToya shares.

So I just, on behalf of LaToya for her  podcast, want to welcome you to the show and thank you for being here. 

Thank you. I appreciate that. Pretty eager to get started. 

Okay, excellent. So, uh, anything you want to say before we start, Latoya? 

Just appreciation to my husband for agreeing to come on the podcast and tell his side of the story.

Okay, awesome. So, Ade, actually, I was going to start there. How do you feel about being interviewed on a podcast for the first time? 

This is, this is different.  It's kind of intense, right? I feel like I'm on TV. I don't want to say the wrong things, but, like TV, we'll see what happens. 

Okay, well, unlike TV,  there's no saying the wrong thing here.

Whatever is true and arises now, and if we did this again tomorrow, which we're not going to do, you might emphasize different things. We're just capturing this moment, and to set the context, I'd actually like to start With when you and LaToya first met,  where was LaToya in terms of becoming a highly competent OBGYN?

I don't actually know if you met before medical school, during residency, or after training was completed. 

Yeah, we, we met after her training was completed, uh, when I, when I met her she was a practicing, uh, practicing doctor. 

Okay, great, and let's actually say a little something about your career. You're not a doctor, what were you doing when you met? 

At the time I was in the Air Force, uh, I was a staff sergeant when we met in the Air Force, so  that was what was my day to day at the time. 

Okay, and if somebody meets you In a business meeting or on the streets today and says, what do you do? What is your answer? 

The answer depends on who I'm speaking with and how I, how I value their presence. 

Okay. Well, let's go high value all the listeners of the podcast. They want to know, what do you do? 

 what I do on the day to day is I seek to buy businesses, home services, businesses, preferably HVAC, plumbing or electrical services.

In any growing MSA in the continental United States. That's what I do on a daily basis. 

Okay, so you are an entrepreneur, and your professional life has nothing to do with medicine. 

It does not. 

Okay. So, when you met Latoya, do you have any doctors in your family, or any context for knowing what a doctor's life is like? 

No idea. I knew one professional at the time,  And he was an electrical engineer, if I'm not mistaken, but everyone else that I knew were just, you know, hourly workers, no salary folks. 

Okay, so, what were your thoughts? What was It's confusing, confronting, appealing. What did it mean to you to be falling in love with a practicing doctor?

Right. It, it meant nothing to me. It meant nothing at all. So you weren't 

intimidated by her education?  

No. 

Okay. Well, that's a thing that happened. So for you, it's so clear you weren't, but it could have been the case. 

Right. It could have been the case. I think the first time I actually thought about it was when we were at my future wife's place and she kind of sat me down.

So she had to talk to me. So I'm thinking, you know, okay, what's going on? She was saying that lot of men are intimidated by the fact that she is a physician and then she, she makes a significant amount of money compared to the average person.  And I just remember, it sounds like out of body experience.

It's like, she's talking to me.  You know, because from my point of view, those, these are your accomplishments. That's your money, which is great for you, right? It has nothing to do with me. I don't treat you different. I want certain things, and I'm around you because I like you. That was different for me, and I didn't really think about it before that day.

And then it's like, okay, you know, I appreciate you getting that off your chest, but that has nothing to do with me. 

Okay, well, we're not going to go in this direction anymore in this interview, but I think you should teach a course. for non physician husbands and partners of  high earning, confident, driven, ambitious,  Doctors because what you've just shared is more profound than you're in a position to appreciate But we're not gonna go further in that direction right now.

Okay, so 

I just want to say yeah, 

go ahead  

Exactly where we were when we had that conversation like I was standing in the kitchen He was in the living room and I just remember him being like 

 Okay, well, how were you feeling before you like did it just like pop into your head and you started talking or were you like Kind of dreading bringing it up.

How was it for you?  

I don't remember a lot about before but the context was that We met and became very serious very quickly so it was very early on and I had had experiences previously with Men who were intimidated by specifically the amount of money and that's where I was coming from when I brought that up So I just remember being like I just need to get this out of the way because things are heating up real quick So I need to know is this a problem or not? 

And it was not so  

and clearly when Adé  gave the response He's just described you believed him because there There are a lot of men who wouldn't feel that way, and then there are men who would say that, but it wouldn't be the authentic truth. But you clearly believed him and have found that to be true ever since?

Yes, almost. Causing problems.  

What does that mean? You want him to be intimidated by you? Well, no, 

you hear it, right? Thank you. 

No, very specifically as we continue dating. And as I said, we got very serious, very quickly.  I like to travel, you know, this, everybody knows this. And I wanted him to come on a trip with me and my friends, or even  just to do other things because this persisted.

For many years in our relationship  and I wanted to sponsor and he refused. Like he absolutely refused. 

Okay, wait, when you say this persisted, you mean the significant difference in your income? No, the 

the way that he responded about that's yours and I have my own goals like that persisted, but not in a way as,   I must contribute this amount because I'm a man.

It was more, I have my, my head facing forward. These are my goals and  these are my ideas about money and my values and the things that you're doing don't necessarily align. So you go ahead and do your thing, but I'm going to stay true to,  what I believe and how I believe, you know, money should be managed and my situation and all that.

So, um, I would have preferred. That he would allow us to enjoy more time together in that early time where I would just like Sponsor it and it's be as fabulous and amazing as I would have liked But he was very firm and I actually really respected that  and even though I was a little bit annoyed at the time 

Okay, I wanna the two of you know exactly what you're talking about And I think I do but I want to make it really explicit so anyone listening really can get the picture.

So you Latoya brought up this question of being intimidated by your accomplishments and ongoing earning. Adé , I was like, no, why? You know, I, I've, I'm, I'm responsible for myself. I have my goals and I am on my path. You are on yours and I respect that.  And so that was straightforward. But  there was a way in which you were each on your own path with respect to work,  earning and vacationing.

And you would have liked a little more convergence in the paths, am I, meaning that he would join you on your path, you would pay, but he would join you in how you vacation, while continuing to work the way he worked. Is that the idea? 

Yes.  

Okay.  

Okay, so let's, 

let's actually, there's a lot we're going to fill in in between, but let's talk about that right now.

What happens now when. You want to take a trip, LaToya. I mean, now you're married, then you weren't, but what, how, how does this, because you're still on your own paths, you're still each very motivated towards individual goals, and then obviously you have common goals, but what happens now when you want to take a trip and spend money based on  your income and capacity to budget the way you do?

Now it's a completely different scenario because we are a team. No, we weren't then. We weren't married. We weren't in this place that we are currently in our relationship. So, it's like a completely different relationship altogether in that respect.  

Also, I want to add, , we're on the same path financially.

Right. Those aren't independent paths for us. As human beings, our self development is unique to us. But, financially, we have, the same goals. 

Okay, well, I want to  make a little request that Somewhere down the line, the two of you, or I could interview you, do another podcast episode on that transition from being on really different financial paths to being on the same one.

Because, We all know that a wedding ceremony, whether it's in a courthouse or a gorgeous location on the beach, does not have the alchemical effect to  take different financial values and goals and suddenly blend them harmoniously in the way that the two of you have achieved. So I just think what that process looks like is a really interesting topic that we won't pursue now, but maybe in the future.

Okay, so I asked really about what it was like for you with Latoya being a doctor early on in dating, and now, is there anything that we should talk about before talking about when you became parents? With respect to Latoya being a physician mom, and  how that, what that meant for you Adé , or didn't mean for you, like either way.

I don't know if there's anything else before becoming parents that should be part of today's conversation. What do you think? 

I don't think so. After getting together and kind of getting to know one another, the, uh,  Other pivotal point in our relationship is 100 percent the children. So I think the faster we get there, the more we get to the good stuff.

Okay, great. So, were you on the same track in terms of when you would have children, and being ready when Asani was conceived and you were pregnant? 

We were. We were fortunate enough to not have any  accidents or anything like that beforehand. By the time Asani came along, it was planned. We were.  Um, older at that point, especially when it came to having our first child.

So it's like when,  when would the timing be right? And we found a sweet spot that worked for us and then we went ahead and did it. 

Okay. Amazing. So as you're anticipating the arrival of your son, what thoughts did you have? What, I mean, you didn't know they were assumptions then, but you came to know they were assumptions once the reality hit.

Take us to your Mindset, as I know you, I assume lots of joy, but what else was there as you anticipated the birth? 

There wasn't much anticipation. The reason I feel like there wasn't in that regard, I kind of took it  for granted that we're getting an entirely new human being.  I thought we were, this was going to happen.

We planned it out. He's going to be healthy. I think that was my main concern. But other than that. I was actually caught up in, when I left the military, I ended up  getting another degree in computer science. So, the semester before he was born, I loaded up on classes. So I think part of that was just, I was maybe a little too busy to,  to think about it.

Too much, but yeah, I, uh, probably should have definitely thought about that some more. 

Oh, there's no should. We just want to know what happens. So, alright, so, you knew there was a whole new human being coming. 

Right. 

But did you know that LaToya would be becoming a whole new human being also?  

Absolutely not.

Absolutely not. I chose my wife for a litany of reasons, one of which is I didn't get with her. What I would hear from my friends and what I've experienced before with  Unfortunately women that weren't as consistent  as perhaps they could have been to help their partner. So when I found my wife I'm like, okay.

I don't see this. I don't see that. I don't see this. We're good. Smooth sailing ahead. Let's  Let's go, you know, so I didn't think the changes were gonna occur. I didn't think it'd be that drastic  And I didn't think that she wouldn't be able to handle it because I think I worded that incorrectly. Because I believe in my wife so much, it was difficult to understand that she was struggling.

Okay, when did you realize she was struggling? What, what tipped you off?  

This was later on. This was later on. This is further on in our relationship. I think the way she would talk to me was different.  And I remember this was, I guess, I don't even call it dark, but I remember when my wife would talk to me, everything I did wasn't good enough  with my son.

Like I wasn't changing, this is just examples, right? I can't remember them exactly, but maybe I wasn't changing the diaper fast enough or I didn't tie the diaper genie up tight enough. There were all these things to the point where   I'm only going to hear something a few times before I make a drastic change.

I've developed that as a kid, not to say it's good or bad, it's just who I, who I was at the time. So I remember. Nothing my wife says is going to affect how I feel as a father of my children. Because what she was saying was starting to affect it. I'm like, Hey, am  I not doing what I'm supposed to do?

I'm not a good father. And  those things are very important to me. So I think when that happened, I don't think I realized it organically, but it's like, okay, I started to have to put barriers up when that wasn't, wasn't really the case before.  Okay. Barriers 

up, meaning to protect yourself from Latoya's criticism. 

Correct. Absolutely. 

Okay, and   Asani was born, your first child, was there any kind of a honeymoon period of new family bliss? Or it just started, you know,  right away?  

No,  I would say it started right away. He was a COVID baby as well, so that we didn't get the help we would have normally gotten.  Folks would have come out to help.

We both have family. My wife has a lot of family, a lot of people who love her. Somebody would have came out to help us, but that didn't happen. So, I didn't feel the pressure from my wife early. What I felt early was, okay, we're in a tough situation. All hands on deck. I did the classes I was supposed to take.

I'm a little freer now. they left us with this human, and we've got to like, at this point, try to figure out. Um, so yeah, I would say that's probably an accurate depiction of how it went down.  

 So there you are, this woman who you think is consistent and supportive,  suddenly she's gone and there's someone who looks exactly like her, except there's fluids coming out of different places and there's a baby and she's talking to you in a critical, I'm assuming disrespectful way.

Okay. We just.  Take us into your world.  

Right, for sure. Good question. It, it, she wasn't talking to me in a disrespectful way.  I don't deal with disrespect well, so thankfully we didn't cross those barriers, but it was just constant, right? I would,  it was just constant.

Constant criticism. 

This isn't good enough. It's like, you know, and that kind of was the focus  for a while. 

A while meaning months?  Weeks? 

 It seemed like months, but it could have been weeks. I think I made that change pretty early on, do you remember?  When I said, hey, what, I'm not gonna really respond  well to what you're saying.

Yeah, that,  it became a serious point of contention. Your critical way. No, the, his response to me being critical. So his response was, your opinion of me as a father does not matter. Huh?  And that was like a knife to the heart and it never actually got resolved,  not even until after Ayo was born and I had gone through my whole thing and we were in our stage of healing.

That's when  that came up again and actually got spoken about because he didn't know at that time that I was also struggling with Asani. And that's why, like, he didn't appreciate the fact that. I was alone, it was my first baby, and you know, alone, yes he was there, but I didn't have my mom, I didn't have the type of support that I thought I would need to like, guide me,  and that I was struggling.

So, he's getting this criticism,  and doesn't know why,  so this is the barrier that he put up, he set his boundary, and we kind of just had to accept it, and then it just stayed there as this undercurrent, until We both got to the place where we were, like, ready and able to fix what was going on so that we could thrive  because I had gotten to such a bad place with Ayo. 

Okay, so, the criticism from Latoya and what, you didn't use this word Adé , but I'm gonna call the armoring. You know, putting on armor, and one of the flavors of your armor was to say, I don't care what you think of me as a father, and I'm sure there were others too, but anyway, to protect yourself from the criticism.

So that continued from when Asani was born through his first two years and Ayo being born.

 I don't think so because when I like you to use that term, when I armored up,  at that point  I was very good at behaving that way, so I, I literally didn't see it.  At that point. Cause I know if, Hey, if I change the diaper or whatever the case is, and I'm just using that example for the sake of the listeners, if I change the diaper, there's no feedback for me.

I did what I was supposed to do. This diaper is secure. I checked the sides. There are no leaks.  Whatever I'm getting kind of doesn't apply to me. So I don't, I don't remember enough to know if I was flat out ignoring her, but I just didn't know when it changed because it didn't matter when it changed. You could talk to me every day or not, if not for a week.

Once I set that barrier, I was, um, I was kinda, unfortunately, kinda good to go with  taking care of my son after that. 

Okay, I think the two of you are  representing something that is so real and happens probably in every marriage where, you know, there are well meaning, loving people. I certainly have stories from my own marriage that have this too, where  You're in this marriage together, and you're having really different experiences, and you have no idea that the other person is having such a different experience.

So, just to highlight,  Latoya, when I said, so, this began  with Asani's arrival, and continued  on through to Ayo being born two and a half years later, And you are nodding your head like, Yes, this was the dynamic we were in for two and a half years. And Adé  you're saying,  No, not really.

Because  you armoured up.  Right. You  cleared your mind. And also dissociated from what was going on. And so you didn't suffer in this way for two and a half years. So as far as you were concerned, it wasn't happening because you protected yourself from the inside. And I just want to emphasize that because I think when new babies are born,  there's something about this because the, the mother's role and experience and context and standards and  guilt and all the different sea of being a woman, especially a woman physician who's supposed to know how to do things, whether she's a pediatrician or not.

That's like one experience. And You're in the same house, especially with COVID. You're in the same house. You're raising the same child. You're devoted to the same family. You're eating the same foods for dinner in most cases. And yet your experience Adé is like, well, no, it wasn't really like that. That wasn't my experience. 

I had the capacity as a self respecting, confident man to shift my attention and  focus on the things that worked for me and just ignore the rest.  And I think you have an amazing capacity to do that, not all men do, but either way, where our attention is and what our inner dialogue is, it's very rare that,  I mean, I can't actually imagine it being the case that a husband and wife with a new baby and then a second new baby, that the inner worlds are so synced up.

that there isn't some version of this phenomenon. So I just wanted to  emphasize it, normalize it and obviously say it doesn't have to stay that way. Even if it is that way for kind of a while.  

Okay. So I just want to say one thing. Yeah, go ahead. I remember where we were again, cause it was like a pivotal moment after Ayo when we talked about this.

That's why I was so sure that it went on for the amount of time that it did. Because it, the theme came up again  as we were working through that postpartum experience and we were sitting downstairs on the couch and that's when I explained about what it meant to me to not have my family here with Asani and all of that so it was a very prominent memory in my mind when we talked about  the postpartum experience with Asani  and that's when all of that context came up because Because even in my mind,  postpartum with Asani was hard because it was COVID. 

I just assumed that was the reason, but it was hard because it was postpartum. And it just so happened that we were also unsupported and everything. So I don't even think I realized, you know, how much it affected me and everything. So I just wanted to bring that to the forefront as well. 

Yeah. Thank you.

Ade, any thoughts you have on this? I  

think, one of the things I guess I would add, because my memory is not as great as my beautiful wife's, right, like, we also got a nanny pretty early on with Asani. We got a house cleaner, we did things to  alleviate, I  think, some of the, some of the tension, some of the stress, and that helped immensely.

Because if we had  to do that, it would have been worse,

okay, yes, which, Give so much context for some of Latoya's brilliant teaching on the importance of support and delegation Both emotionally and just very practically so  the thing that you're describing Adé  is Latoya's being critical Specifically as pertains to caring for a Asani.

Right. 

What would you say about  Your marriage, your relationship,  was there anything to share that wasn't specifically related to your son during this phase? 

 During this phase, I don't, I don't think so. I feel like this, I can make a general statement here. For any set of loving parents, when your first child is born, everything revolves around the child.  Yes, you're a person, and we'll get to that later, but  right now, um, you're a person. Yeah, I feel like I can confidently say at least our, for most people, I  think that's the case.

And then for our interactions, it was definitely centered around my son and what's going on with him. 

Okay, well, I definitely think that's true. And actually, the two of you have done this incredible job emerging from that phase. There are couples where that's still the case when they have teenagers, but that's sort of off topic right now.

So  what I want to ask you Adé  is,

What can you say about what that's like to be a man in a mature, strong, loving marriage with an incredible woman,  and now it's all about the baby? Is there anything you would say about that? 

Yes,  it's such a big change. There was definitely some jealousy,  right? Um, it used to be all about me, and now we have a new,  a new tiny person here, I think. 

The biggest thing in hindsight was not realizing that even though you're married to a  strong, independent, confident woman, you  need to be there to support them.  Because  even though they've had success before, immense success, they haven't had success at this. And that confidence,  while it may translate, the confidence and skills don't translate.

So there are things  they're not going to be good at.  And at a time where their body , is different.  Um, their ability to be competent is different, uh, their pain tolerance is different, their emotions are different.  That's really the time, to really lock in and focus on what your woman or your wife needs to not necessarily get back, because I don't ever think you get back, but to really  focus in on what the new path is and how you can kind of best assist them as they use their own innate ability to, to really kind of get themselves going. 

It's beautiful and I don't know that this will speak to you, but for me, my favorite phrase that points to the same thing is mothering the mother.  I just love that phrase so much. Not that you would be mothering, but yes, supporting the mother. 

Right. 

Yeah. Alright, so, anything  to say to, to kind of convey your experience at the time  up until Latoya sits down with you and says, She's going on vacation by herself.

This is for any, anyone who's not already a loyal fan of stethoscopes and strollers. This is described in detail by LaToya in, um, I think the first and second episodes, which I listened to yesterday to refresh myself. So all the details are there. That's why I can refer to it this way. But, um,  anything to say,  On the journey that was an important part of your experience or  anything that was missing, anything that was present, any conversation you had with someone besides your wife. 

Anything that kind of  would be comprehensive in bringing us to the point where Ayo was born and LaToya is ready to go on vacation by herself. 

Right. No, the lead up, I knew we weren't great. I just think I didn't know how bad it was.  Right. So I don't think there were any indicators. I knew we weren't aligned, but it wasn't bad enough for me to focus on.  

And were you thinking, this'll just be better when Ayo's bigger? Like it doesn't sound like you were worried.  

Right, it, and this is gonna sound bad, I don't think I was worried because I don't think, I think I'm realizing it, I don't think I paid,  everything I revolved around the kids so much, I don't think I paid enough attention to our relationship.

Or your own experience it sounds like. You just got through your own experience with your attention on the kids. 

Right. I was just, you know, I was kind of, I was there. I know we weren't right. I didn't,

yeah, I didn't have a plan to say, okay, when she gets, there was no forethought. It was just brute strength to say, I'm kind of muscling through. So yeah, there was no planning at all on my part until the, um, I got word of the trip and then I knew, you know, different or not. I kind of know who my wife is at our core and I know myself and I know some things between us are going to be irreparable.

I knew 100 percent  that was going to be irreparable.