51. Sharing Your Vision: How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Dream Life

Hey doc! On today's episode of ✨Stethoscopes and Strollers✨, I'm diving into one of the most crucial steps in creating your dream life - having that first conversation with your partner.

In this episode, I break down:

• Different partner response types (Fire Starters vs. Fire Extinguishers)
• How to prepare for the conversation
• Setting the stage for success
• Handling initial resistance
• Moving forward despite fear

Key Takeaways:

• Know who you married
• Preparation matters more than presentation
• Initial reactions aren't final answers
• Stay curious when facing resistance
• Keep the conversation going

Stream the Dream Life series episodes!

Your Dream Life or Mine?

Dream Big Doc: Discovering What You Truly Want

Unlocking Your Dream Life: How Your Mind's Focus Shapes Your Future

Ready to start creating your dream life but scared to have that first conversation? This episode gives you practical steps to move forward with confidence.

Remember to subscribe to "Stethoscopes and Strollers" on your favorite podcast platform so you never miss an episode of encouragement and empowerment.

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Chapters

• 0:00 dream life husband

Transcript

Hey, doc. I am back with the next episode in our dream life series. And if you didn't know that I was doing a dream life series, I didn't either. I just made it up because I have been recording these episodes talking about how you achieve your dream life, because that is my wish for you, for you to dream up and create and build that dream life that you are yearning for and not wait.

waiting until the kids are older starting to do it right now. So previously in the other episodes, I talked about creating the time and the energy and the mental space to even be able to dream right. You will have to have support, you have to have childcare, you have to have physical energy to be able to Just think about what it is you truly want out of this life, out of motherhood, out of your medical career. 

So you have to have the support. So that's step one. Then when you have done the dreaming, the visioning, just Thinking about what would make your heart sing and say, this is the life that I truly wanted for all these years. I spent all this time planning and working and this is it, right?  You've done that and you want to hold that dream, that vision in your head at every possible moment, not perseverating or like, you know, in a pathological way, but enough where it is a constant presence in your mind for your subconscious and in your heart and having that dream there and thinking about it Not from a place of lack and regret  or anger that you're not there, but from a place of hope, from a place of this is so amazing, I will do it.

Just.  Let it be a positive thing in your mind because you are giving instructions to your subconscious. This is the life that we work in towards. This is what I want. This is what I want.  And just doing that is going to help your very powerful brain  point out the things in your life that do not align with this dream  so  it helps take an audit and really it's like a reality check, right? because the thing is if you are saying this is the life that you want and every single thing in your life is contrary to that. Then it's like, is this really what I want? 

Or do I need to make major changes? Right?  And more importantly, when you keep that dream life in your mind that in your heart,  It gives instructions to your subconscious, that this is, this is where we're heading.  This is all life in the future.  So what opportunities. Uh, presenting themselves that we may have otherwise missed because all attention was elsewhere.  Now that we know this is the direction that we're going in. 

You're giving your subconscious a direction to head towards.  And it's going to present you with the root. To get there. Opportunities that will all of a sudden. Magically appear things that you never thought were possible.  But it's all because your attention is now in the right place. And your subconscious mind is doing the work.

So following these steps, I think is very important.  But one step that I have been holding off on, For very good reason is a very important step before you start making the, the small tweaks. So your mind is going to show you that you need to make the small tweaks, but eventually you're going to have to talk to your husband or your partner or whoever else in your life that these changes are going to affect maybe not the children because they're young and they don't have a say at this point  and this can be scary for some people  because you know, you usually have Two different types of husbands, and I'm going to use husbands, of course, it could be your wife.

It could be your non husband partner, whatever, but I'm just going to say husband.  You have what I call the fire starters,  the person who's going to be supportive and they're different flavors of support. So it can be  your ride or die, like, yes, let's do it. Come on. Why did you tell me about this yesterday?

Like, I am with you a hundred percent. And that is wonderful. It is beautiful if that's what you have.  But there are other flavors of supportive. So it could be  that they say yes.  They say they're supportive. And they truly believe that they are being supportive. But you know from your past experience that it's a little bit of placating. 

And it usually takes a little bit of evidence. For the full support and you know what I'm talking about not like they're just saying empty words And they really don't believe they truly believe that they're being supportive,  but it's only when you achieve the thing or you make the thing happen that they come back and they were like, Oh yeah, this was really great.

Like I was, I was kind of worried for a second there. I, you know, I believed in you, but I wasn't sure that those are the people that I'm talking about. So still supportive, but just, you know, skeptical.  And then there's a supportive, but really, really, really scared. . So they are like, you know, babe, I believe in you.

This sounds great, but  this seems scary. Are you sure? Okay. Well, yeah, let, let, let's do it. All of those things are still support and they're still a fire starter because you know that this person has your back and they are going to go along with you and Kindle the fire that has already started in you to build this dream life. 

So that's great. The other people, the unsupportive partners, usually the ones that I hear the most about, usually the ones that I coach the most about, and it could not even be as big a thing as building your dream life, which usually involves a lot of significant changes, but even things like Getting a nanny, you know, getting a housekeeper, all of those things for somebody who is unsupportive can be a task.

And the things I'm going to talk about actually covers all, all of the scenarios that this could possibly happen in. But today we're talking about this dream life that you've been dreaming up for however long.  So there are also different flavors of unsupportive or as I like to call them, the fire extinguishers.

So  The immediate shutdown, like you bring it to them and you know, the answer is going to be no, absolutely not. That's not going to work, like stonewall. That's it.  This is the harshest one,  not impossible, but it can be really demoralizing, you know, to have that reaction, especially for something so vulnerable and tender and something that at this point you may be excited about.

So it's unfortunate, but I know that it is the reality for some people. Then there's a flavor of cautious that,  because they are so cautious, because they are so scared, because they have been so conditioned  to follow the status quo, it is fueling  the, this is not going to work.  It's like,  no, We cannot do this, and they have all of the reasons why they're very logical, and they're very firm.

This cannot happen. But when you really drill down, a lot of that is born out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of not succeeding, fear of failure. You having this big dream and y'all no longer being on the same page. There's a lot of different nuanced places that that fear can come from. And it is really important to recognize the fear because if all you get from it is he's saying no,  it can cause you to 1.

Not really see him and 2. It's a lost opportunity to connect on a really deeper level because, you know, FAERS is coming from a vulnerable place, but also  you can't, you can't negotiate properly because you don't actually know what the problem is, right? So if you're just saying, you know, he's unsupportive, you know, you never support me, all of that, and you're not addressing the fact that there's fear there, chances are, the no will continue to be a no. 

And then there's a different flavor of unsupportive, uh, fire extinguishers, where  The conditioning and all of those things are so strong, that it's not even fair. It is just complete disbelief. It's like, this cannot happen. They think you are insane. And it's not, they were like, well yeah, that's for other people.

They believe it can happen, but just not for you. Not for you all. So it is just like, no. This is You're crazy. They, they cannot wrap their brain around something that is not what they have already experienced or seen, which  maybe that's what your dream is made up of. Or even, Going off of the path. So you can be bringing forth a plan that is not even that wild, like I'm not talking about you quitting your job and going to travel around the world with the children.

It could just be a slight veer off of what is this traditional path, the plan that you all had. And it's just like, well, no, people don't do that. People like us don't do that, you know, like no, so all of those are fire extinguishers, unsupportive partners that you may be faced with and notice I didn't say it was impossible to face them and to talk it through and to, you know, proceed with building this dream life.

It's just going to be more difficult. So  the reason I went through those differences is because it is important for you to know who you have married because It is important for the negotiation. Remember, every ask is a negotiation. So if you think you're going to come up with unsupportiveness, even if you're going to have supportive, but it's not the a hundred percent on board, you know, it could be scared or whatever.

You still want to  know how to approach them so that you get the best reaction. And then more importantly, you get the support and the collaboration to move forward, to build this life that you want.  Once you have identified, hopefully you already know, once you have identified who you have married,  you're gonna prep, right? 

Do your homework. Part of the homework is really sitting down and thinking, if you don't already know,  , who is this person?  What am I going to get?  And you really want to get more into the details about how this conversation is going to go. What do you think his objections are going to be?

Specifically, because if you know the objections, you can create your points to combat them, to address them. And even if you don't have a direct  response, you can say, I know this part isn't settled, this has to be figured out, and I have the resources to figure it out, or this will be addressed later on, because you don't,  you're not going to have every single detail of this plan or of your life.

It may not even be a plan yet, figure it out, and being open and upfront about that is probably  May the conversation go better because if you act like it's a non issue, he may be like, Are you not seeing this big glaring thing? So it's better to  just address it up front and say this part isn't figured out yet XYZ  and Related to knowing who you're married.

Like where is he actually coming from? knowing what this objection is and If it is coming out of fear, is it coming out of, you know, friends whispering in his ear, mothers giving active advice or opinions about how you all should live? Is it because of the disbelief? Like, what is the route so that you can know how to approach him for the best result.

So now that you have all that, you can think about how this conversation is gonna go. What is his reaction gonna be? And  also, what is going to increase the chances that he's going to be supportive and say yes, how will he respond best to. This new information that you have been dreaming up  this life that is different than the one that you are currently living and you want him to get on board and only you are going to know the answers to all those questions and be able to do the prep that is needed for this conversation.

Right, so you've done all that. Next step is to actually start the conversation.  So, a lot of people start the wrong way and then wonder why the conversation went badly. And this is not judgment. I used to do it too. I've had a lot of coaching to get here to be able to tell you this stuff, right? So I spend all the money so you don't have to.

 Making sure the mood is right. is much more important than you may realize. So, you want to make sure that you ask first if the conversation can happen. Not in a begging like, you know, I really want to have this conversation, please can we have this?  Making sure that you are setting yourself up for success and setting him up for success.

So, The way we do it in our house,  Hey babe, I want to talk to you about X, Y, Z is now a good time. That way, you are acknowledging that the other person may be doing something. You are assessing their mood and their receptiveness to, you know, what you're about to tell them. And when you do that, you've already started on a high note.

Your partner feels considered, they feel seen,  it's like, oh, yeah, well, maybe now is really not a good time. Like, I'm in a shitty mood,  XYZ is going on.  Don't leave it there though. You have to then follow up with, when would be a good time?  And then confirm and get it, not in writing, but get a confirmation for when this thing is going to happen.

Also, very important in that first interaction is to say what it's about. You don't have to give the whole speech. It could be, I want to talk to you about what I've been thinking  about our future, living in this state or whatever it's about. Like, I don't know what your dream life looks like, but something.

Short enough to not be the entire conversation, but also not so vague that he will be like, what is going on? Like, what did I do? What did she do? Like, you don't, this is not a, we need to talk text. This, that is not what I'm talking about. This is, hey,  I want to talk to you about this thing.  It is really important to me.

Oh, that's another point making sure that he knows a little bit of How you are feeling about this topic? So if you're coming to tell him a joke or you're coming to tell him a gossip or you're coming to complain That is different than  I have something really important to talk to you about something.

I've been thinking about for a while You know, it's been on my heart if it'll be good for the both of us. It is about  this  is now a good time He says no, it's not Okay, then when would be?  You get your time and then you come back. Oh, if he says, yeah, okay, yeah, uh, you know, I'm all ears, this, I'm intrigued. 

You proceed and start the conversation, right? So  when you start this conversation.  You tell him everything.  You're so excited.  And maybe you knew he would respond well to a PowerPoint presentation. So you stop the presentation. Not judging. You know your husband. Do what you think he will respond best to.

So you stop the presentation and you look at him.  And he's like, the look on his face is all scrunched up and the first thing out of his mouth is, are you crazy? And you feel crushed. All of the blood just drains out of your body,  shoulders slump and you're just like,  I can't believe you said that. 

I knew I shouldn't have told you anything. I knew this would happen. Like you just feel so sad and betrayed and  really just hurt. That is understandable, but I want to  introduce an idea to you because you have been listening to my podcast  and because you have been Ruminating on these ideas for a while It is not unreasonable for somebody who hears it for the first time and it is this full dream You know, it may not be detailed out, but it's still a lot of brand new information about his life that he had no idea about all at once.

He may not have the tools to express himself properly the first time. He may be in shock. Give him a little bit of grace. If that is the first reaction, if he's one of the types of husbands that is not the stonewall immediate, no, because if that's usually the reaction that you're going to get, then That's just who he is and that's a whole separate thing, but in general, even the most supportive they may still, the shock of it may make something come out of their mouths that is just not the response that you wanted because you were so excited about this dream that has been living in you for all of this time. So, if that is your first reaction,  don't take it as this is over, I'm never going to talk to you again, scrap the dream life, it's not happening. It doesn't have to be all that.  Be prepared for a less than eloquent initial response, but whatever you get,  continue talking to them.

This is not like a one and done type of thing, especially if the answer is no. So, in general, in negotiations, in your asks, which are the same thing, no is not the end.  It is an invitation for you to be curious about why. This is a no, because there is always a reason, even in the immediate no category of fire extinguisher, there's always more to the story. 

And the only way that you're going to find out is to be curious.  Is this coming out of fear? Has somebody been in his air? Is it?  Jealousy. Is it, you know, that they had their own dream life that they were dreaming of and they didn't tell you and now this is coming in and it's like indirect conflict. You will never know without some level of curiosity  and you'll also never convince them to change their minds if you don't find out why.

So. Ask questions. If you feel like you're too hurt, too elevated, too whatever, or he is in that moment, maybe do it a different time, like address it at a different time. But this does not have to be the conversation you have. And if it doesn't work out, that's the end of it.  Give him time to marinate on it, to have his subconscious work through all of his things because it, you know, It may show him things, it may, things may come up, but keep at it, keep talking. 

And really, to avoid all of this, the idea would be, as you are following the steps for dreaming up the dream life and holding it in your heart and seeing the things that don't align, that you are talking to him along the way. Right? This is your partner. This is the person you decided to share your life with, decided to raise the kids with. 

It is just better for  the dream to be shared along the way. Take him along on the journey. Have him listen to the episodes so that he can do his own and ideally you all vision together  if you plan to  be together, right?

So you have your steps. This is usually the biggest hurdle, either imagined or real,  but you can, you can do it.  And if the idea of bringing this dream that is so tender to you and so precious to your partner is just too much for you to bear, you feel nauseous, you feel like you know it's just not going to go well.

This is one of the major things that I coach my clients about, and I can help you get through it. There are ways to do it to be most effective, and it's obviously the most effective when there are details, which comes with an intimate one on one coaching relationship. So,  Schedule a free coaching session with me.

The links are in the show notes on my website, drtoyacoaching. com, or you can DM me, PM, email, hello at drtoyacoaching. com.  Because you can share this in a way  that will get you all on the same page. You can readdress it, if the first answer is no, to get you all on the same page  and really start to dream and vision together.

To make that dream life happen. So I want you to choose a time where you're gonna talk to him, do your prep work, set the stage, ask him if he's available and go for it. Make your PowerPoint presentation if that's what you need to do and go for it. Doc, I want you to start on this path to your dream life and I'm giving you the steps to do it.

You can do it. I believe in you. so. Share this episode with another physician mom who is dreaming and hoping that she can get her husband on board for that dream that she has in her heart. Make sure that you leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts and a five star rating everywhere else  so that more physician moms can start this journey on building their dream lives. I will see you on the next episode of Stethoscopes and Strollers.