52. Beyond Representation: A Black Physician Mom's Approach to Raising Confident Children

Hey doc! On today's episode of ✨Stethoscopes and Strollers✨, I'm opening up about the choices I make to protect and empower my Black children in today's world.

I share:

• Why I modify toys and books for representation
• The power of early affirmation
• Handling racism at age three
• Creating protective environments
• Why these conversations matter for all families

Key Takeaways:

• Every choice sends a message
• Early intervention is crucial
• Home environment shapes self-concept
• Silence perpetuates harm
• Change starts with our families

From coloring in white Santas to carefully choosing au pairs, learn why these seemingly "extreme" choices matter in building confident Black children.

This episode isn't just for Black Physician moms - it's for every parent ready to have necessary conversations about race, representation, and creating change.

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Transcript

 Hey doc. At the time of this recording, it is a couple weeks into the new year and my Christmas tree is still up. And , I did not have a real Christmas tree because we spent a month in Trinidad for Christmas. We had a felt Christmas tree that was the best thing ever. One of my friends recommended it.

So my kids got to do it. Decorate their Christmas tree, but you know, there was very little prep. They did it themselves. I hung it up. I had to move it because it was too low because my daughter kept pulling the things off, but it was great.  And I was looking at it the other day and I chuckled to myself because if anybody Looked at it carefully.

They would see that there's a blackface Santa on It and I want to talk about why there is a blackface Santa on my felt Christmas tree. So The Christmas tree , it's a felt cut out of a tree and they're little pieces of Velcro where you can stick the quote ornaments on and there were two Santa ornaments  and with most things, especially cheap things like that, that I'm sure were made in China, the skin tone of the Santa was of a Caucasian Santa, but in my house, Santa is black and actually I started teaching my son to say that, That's white Santa and then there's Santa, meaning the black Santa.

So when it came and I saw it, I was like, no, no, no, we're going to change his Santa because our Santa is black, has brown skin, just like my children. So I took a little marker and I colored it in and of course it's felt, so it looks terrible, but it looks brown. It looks like a beautiful brown skin Santa.

And I was so pleased with myself. And it made me think back to all of the other stuff like that that I have done in the past and all of the judgment that I have gotten for it and possibly the judgment that I'm getting for it from you right now. Who knows? Because I'm not sure who's listening. , and no, this is not me singling out non Black physician moms who may be listening because I've gotten a lot of judgment from Black moms for all this stuff that I do.

But I really think that  At least for my family, it is very important, and I will continue to do things like that. And this is something that I have been doing since my son was born, really. Everything that I got for him. If it was like a person, it was a white person.  Nothing that I could find, easily anyway,  looked like him. 

I made sure the books, that was the easiest thing to find with black characters,  had all black characters, but if somebody gave me a gift, usually they were not, you know, this was all an awareness that they had, , if somebody asked what to get, I would tell them, but  like, um, the cards that have the alphabet, they would have pictures of parts of the body. All of the parts of the body were White. The nose was straight, the eyes were green, and there was like a pack of those cars where I just took out all of those and threw them away. I was like, you can learn and for nose some other way, because  all of those things for a baby, for a young child  is like setting this foundation of this is what is normal and it doesn't look like me,  so why would I. 

do that. Why would I set that foundation for my beautiful brown children?  It just didn't make any sense to me. So I would either color things in or just throw them away  if I could not find the things that I needed. And then when I started by default, which was my directory for black owned businesses and black professionals who serve the black community,  I was introduced to more  businesses that made things that were for black children.

So they had the black characters and stuff. And it made me so happy because I was able to patronize the businesses on my directory. I was able to use the things myself so I could actually, you know, review them and make sure that they were good quality and, and all of those things. And most importantly, I had  toys and educational material for my child that was, Self affirming, reassuring, celebrating who he was as a young Black boy, which is very, very important to me.

And, like I said, I got a lot of side eyes, about doing all this and, you know, like, this is extra and all of these things, but I never wavered. Um, we, uh,  control almost everything in our children's lives, making sure that, if possible, there are Black people in it, or, you know, the, the characters look like them.

And it's also the reason that I will only have Black au pairs, because again, if I am bringing this person into my home, this caretaker for my children, somebody that they look up to and that looks nothing like them, then what am I telling them?

But  I wasn't completely unbothered by the, the feedback that I got about these choices that I was making.   But it's been a while since I've felt like, eh, maybe this is a bit much.

Like I'm very firm  in The fact that this is what I need to do, but very recently, like before the holidays, I watched the Black Barbie  special on Netflix. I don't know if you've seen it, but it's great. You should definitely watch it.  It just was so validating  and I was so happy and sad watching it because a large part of it was acknowledging the importance of having a black Barbie and what it meant to the young girls that were growing up at the time when it was brought out because I grew up  With black Barbie like it was just my parents also were not playing around So the only Barbie I ever had was a black one. 

So it just it wasn't a thing to me, but in That generation when black Barbie came out  Like it was significant for a lot of young black girls and there was this one in particular who's telling her story about how? she felt before Black Barbie came out because of the area that she lived in and it was an all white area and she's made to feel like the other that she was ugly and all of these things and then she got a black Barbie and she talked about how it changed her self concept and her confidence  and it was so empowering and it just  reinforced the importance of Doing all of these things, you know representation matters It's a saying for a reason.

It's not just for young girls to see women in high achieving roles and things like that. It's also for young black women to see themselves as beautiful and seeing yourself represented in all different types of rules and not just in this caricature that the mass media and Hollywood can sometimes use to represent Black people is really, really important. So when I saw that special,  it made me really empowered. It made me really happy that I made these choices for my children and strengthened my resolve to continue doing what I thought was important because at the end of the day, I'm doing this for my children, I'm doing it so that they can have such a strong self concept that when they inevitably experience racism, they know that that's an external problem.

That's, that's a you problem because I know that I'm beautiful. I know that this is normal,  right? And  even with all of the things that I do from since my son was born,  he still had to go through it way earlier than I ever thought. We still had to work on his self love and all of those things because This little boy, who was his best friend, told him that his skin was too dark.

And the way that I found out was because he was telling me, as I was lotioning him up for school, he's like, I don't like my skin. And let me tell you, that was a gut punch.  I, 

like, I still remember where we were, I remember being like,  What just happened, like, how did we get here  and trying to compose myself and maintain my calm and then trying to get more information from him because now I'm sure he would have been able to tell me a full thesis about what happened. But then he was only three. 

So it was trying to like get why, why, why are you saying that you don't like your skin? Why are you saying your skin is too dark? So I had to like pull out of him. That this friend is the one who told him that his skin was too dark and then, you know, he's also three now that he lies But it's like, you know Did he make this up?

Like I don't know like so there was a lot going on at that time  to try and figure out  How this happened and then also focusing on the main thing was the fact that my child is telling me He doesn't like his skin I'm doing all this stuff  that I thought  was empowering and self affirming.

And here we are at three years old with him telling me he doesn't like his skin.  So you know, I talked about that instance in a previous episode and I'm sure I'll talk about it many times again, but  I mentioned it now because that was the reason I was doing all these things, to prepare him for when that would happen.

I just didn't expect it to happen so soon. And if I had known it was going to happen that soon, maybe I would have been even more extreme? I don't know.  But it was just one other reason why I felt like  this is important for me to do, because the world is going to tell him that. He is other than, that he is not normal, that he is too dark, that his hair is too kinky, that his nose is too flat,  all of these other things.

It is my job  to make sure that he knows that your nose is perfect. It is beautiful. The range of skin tones that

we have as black people, normal. It's beautiful.  Nobody is too dark. Nobody is too light.  The range of textures of hair is beautiful. Look at all these things that we can do  with our crown, with the hair that grows out of our head, exactly how it grows out. It is beautiful exactly how it grows out of your head. 

It, I, I need to continue to do that because that was the first experience, but unfortunately it will not be the last. And then I also then have to deal with my daughter. Right? Hopefully, we can have a homeschool before, before these kids start talking too much. But you see, like, it's even that extreme, right?

 Like, what are the things that I'm going to do to protect her and to prevent her from having that experience quite so early? And The best thing I could think of is to, is to homeschool her. Right, so it's this, this very interesting place to be in as a Black mom in America. And,  you know, when I, think about the, the choices, like this may seem a little bit extreme, but when I drill down into it, I know that I'm justified.  Even if other people don't agree, I know that I am, at least for me and my family, and I wanted to  share some of that  with you because I know there are other Black physician moms listening who worry about,  how am I going to protect my child from the inevitable, or who have already experienced it.

I very recently had a friend text me and  let me know that her son was called the N word by another child, and the child told him it was a good thing. But her son was like, I don't think it's a good thing, mommy. What does this mean?,  and how old is he, six? 

So it is a reality that we face as black physician moms that  maybe other people of color face as well. But  it is. The level of anti Blackness that exists in society today is different, especially from other people of color as well. So it is a very unique place to be.  And , yes, I want to share my journey because that's what I, You know, do on this platform, but it's not just to share so you can know more about me and how I think.

And it's not just for other black physician moms to relate and, you know, think about  how they agree or disagree with the path that I take. It's also important for everybody who's listening who's not black  because Not talking about these things with your children is also doing them a disservice and it's doing our kids a disservice because that little boy who told my son that he was too dark, those messages were coming from his grandmother.

So they're getting the messages from somewhere.   It is up to you to determine what message they are getting  because whether you believe it or not, whether you want to admit it or not, this is the world that we live in, right?  Racism exists, anti blackness exists,  and pretending that it does not or  not seeing color or just not talking about it because it's uncomfortable  is not acceptable. 

It is,  it's also not helpful  because the messages are out there. If they're not getting the messages from you, they will get it from someone else, and who knows what that someone else is telling them.  So I encourage you to have the uncomfortable conversations, to talk about things like, Why does this person have a different skin tone than me?

And what it means. And  not just that all God's creatures are wonderful.  That there are some of God's creatures that are discriminated against because of how they look.  You know,  I don't have all the answers for how to have these conversations.  I'm figuring it out myself, but I know that they have to be had.

And I want to encourage everyone who is listening to figure out what it looks like for their families. Because if we want to make any sort of change,  They changed us with ourselves  and our families.  So if you are a black physician mom, I would love to hear from you. What do you think? What do you do in your own home?

do you agree or disagree with  the somewhat extreme? Measures that I take to protect my children in my own home. Let me know. Send me an email hello at drtoyacoaching.  com. Send me a DM on Facebook, Instagram, or use the messaging thingy that's on the podcast app. I really do um, want to know. I want to continue this, this conversation and it's important for us to be able to talk about these things not just in our own home.

Siloed spaces, but  out in our larger physician communities because the conversations need to be, be had.  And if you are not a black physician, mom, also message me and let me know what you thought. And if you're going to start any conversations with your own children within your own families, um, I want to know I am.

I am very interested in so that is all I have for you today. I'm very excited to be back. This is the first episode that I'm recording  since I've been back in the country. And I'm also very excited. For this expansion of my coaching practice in 2025 to continue serving at my highest level, all physician moms, but with that special care and focus on the black physician mom experience. 

I appreciate everybody who is joining me on this journey and . Make sure you share this episode with any physician mom that you know, because we all need to feel a little more seen and a lot less alone.

And I will see you on the next episode of stethoscopes and strollers.