63. Who’s Really Raising Your Kids? You Are. Period.

Hey Doc —

Let me ask you something: Who raised you?

For me, it was Selwyn and Lucille Luces — two hardworking people from Trinidad and Tobago who gave me and my sisters a childhood full of love, structure, and support. They had help. They worked full-time. And still, they absolutely raised us.

This week on ✨Stethoscopes and Strollers✨, I’m unpacking the guilt we’ve been taught to carry as working moms — especially as Physician moms — when we seek the support we need.

I share:
 🔸 Why this narrative is especially harmful for Physician moms
 🔸 How my upbringing shaped my confidence as a working mother
 🔸 What raising kids actually means (hint: it’s not about hours)
 🔸 Why intentional time matters more than total time
 🔸 How to reframe guilt around help — and embrace your village

Whether you have an au pair, daycare, school, or family support, YOU are still raising your kids. And this episode is your permission slip to get the help you need without the shame.

🎧 Listen now — and send this one to the Physician mom friend who needs it most.

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Transcript

Hey Doc, tell me who raised you. Let me tell you who raised me: Lucille and Selwyn Luces, they are from Trinidad and Tobago. They are two very hardworking individuals and they raised me and my sisters. They taught me to be generous and hardworking, and they taught me about entrepreneurship and building something from nothing they gave me the best parts of me, and I'm so grateful for everything that they taught me and how I was raised and in my wonderful childhood. They gave me experiences that I don't know, sometimes they really couldn't afford, but they made it work.

You know, i, I had an amazing childhood. I had amazing experiences. I went to Grenada to go to a pre-med camp because they knew I was interested and we had all these family trips within Trinidad and. They gave us an amazing childhood, and I would say they raised me well and at no point in my childhood did they not work and not work full-time.

My mom was what we call a Verbatim  reporter, which is like a stenographer in parliament for most of my life. And then she started a catering business, which I also worked in, and my father. Is an engineer and he went back to school and got an MBA while I was growing up and was in leadership in the National Carnival Commission and did all this stuff, but they were always working.

And when I was very young, my mother worked very hard because they didn't have the equivalent of work restrictions in Parliament. So there were times where she would be gone all night, she would come home in the morning. When I was ready, getting ready for school, be home for a little bit, and then go back to work because Parliament was in session and they were debating the budget.

Right. And we had Auntie Rita, is what we called her. She, it was our version of a housekeeper that came and she would iron in clothes and do different things when we were very young and , we were dropped off at school by a driver, which is not a fancy thing in Trinidad. It was literally our version of taxis that had a bunch of kids in it, like six or seven, sometimes sticking all outta the window. It was quite unsafe. But hey, this was the nineties and as I left primary school and I moved to high school, my aunt who lived up the street then took, me to school as she had done for my sisters. We would spend summers by my father's mother and we basically had a village right there. There was always help. There were times when we were outside of the home and.

It was all an enriching part of my childhood. 

Gave me memories that I wouldn't trade for anything, but also didn't involve my parents some of the time, a lot of the time, because they were working so hard, but I would never. Think to utter the words that my parents did not raise me. I would never think that I don't know what their values are, or I can't see any way that they imparted anything on me.

Like I would never say that because this is not true. So this I idea that having help, not spend time, like every waking moment with you, working a lot equates to, you're not raising your children was very foreign to me and it was first introduced to me very recently. I was talking to a friend about joining the au pair program and she said, oh, you're gonna have somebody else raising your children.

And I just remember thinking that that was such an odd thing to say. I was like, no, I'm gonna be raising my children. This is just childcare. Then I came to realize she wasn't just a weirdo. Like this is actually a thing that people say to working moms that somebody else is raising your child.

And I never dug into why this just seemed like the most ridiculous thing to me until very recently. But it is one of the most ridiculous things that I've ever heard, really, because of the story I told you about how I grew up, my parents definitely raised me, but they had shit to do. They had to work I grew up in a working class household in a developing country. They had to work, but apparently many working mothers in this country are told and believe themselves that if you have somebody else in the home helping you. If you are outside of the home at all, somebody else is raising your children.

And maybe it is

the difference in beliefs 

of what raising means, 

and that's why 

I can't wrap my head around this idea. 

But even just like on a 

practical level. Unless you are 

going to be with your children 

from birth to 18,

and you are at home 

and also homeschooling them,

that definition doesn't hold water. 

Because at some point, 

most people, 

whether they are stay-at-home mom or not, 

send their children to school

and they spend 

most of their waking hours 

outside of the home. 

If you add in sports and activities, 

that's even more time. 

But I'm sure most people don't say, 

I'm not raising my child.

And I would argue that adolescents and teenage hood. Is when you really need to be raising your child. So by this logic, you shouldn't send your children to school at all because you're not who you're gonna let somebody else raise your child. And I mean, I know that sounds ridiculous, but so does the entire argument.

And this came back to me because I recently. Was reminded that that is how people think and that there are other physician moms who think this way. And by the way, the person that told me that the first time I ever heard it, she was a physician and she's a mother. So I find it really fascinating that this is a belief that is being held by.

Working mothers, especially physicians. Fascinating but not surprising because it just gives further insight into these ideals and these ideas and beliefs that have been ingrained in us as women and as a society about what is expected of a good mother, because logically it does not make any sense. To say having help and support and sending a child to school means that you're not raising them.

, when I say I'm fascinated, I am really quite fascinated and I'm really, if you have an argument about this, please DM me, email me and tell me what the counter to this is, because it just doesn't make any sense in my mind, right?

I think we forget 

that the entire saying is, 

"It takes a village to raise a child." 

You are part of the village. 

You are the main part. 

You as the mother, 

the children, 

your partner, 

and then the actual 

village members, 

and you all raise the child.

It's not 

the village raises a child, 

and the mother is 

off being a bad mother 

because she decided to become

a physician

and spend all her time 

away from her children.

That That's not what the saying is.

You all are part of the village 

and you all are raising the child. 

That includes you.

 maybe it's because we stopped saying the entire saying or maybe it's just gotten whittled down to one of those things people say, you know, it takes a village. Maybe our society has changed so much that the average working mother does not have the support of a village, and then somehow that evolved into the village is actually not important because if you have one, that means you're not raising your child.

I don't know. Like I said, I'm confused. I dunno. 

When I think about raising my children, when I think about showing them how I view the world. Helping shape their self-concept, making sure that they love themselves, that they love others, that they grew up with as little bias as possible. Because let's face it, we are human teaching them to be kind and thoughtful and hardworking and strong, and all of those things that's raising.

I can still do that and have an au pair stay with my son for 45 hours.  And forgetting the time because the amount of time is quite irrelevant, the time that I spend with my child is intentional. It is true quality time, not just so I can hug him and squeeze him and tell him he looks cute, but so that I can talk to him, so I can correct behaviors that I don't like.

So I can explain things to him. And this isn't just because I homeschool him, but it's extra because I do, and all of that is raising him. And I do the same thing with my daughter who goes to daycare. So I'm guessing I'm not raising her either by that definition, but I am. And that's why in the daycare, they think she's so well behaved.

Even though when she's home, she is wild and right, because I correct her behavior. I tell her over and over when she asks us something, how do you ask? I make her say please. I make her say thank you. In those few waking hours when she is at home during the week, and then on the weekends, I am raising my daughter and you cannot tell me anything differently, whether or not I had an au pair or a nanny, which is what I had for my son, or she goes to daycare or they go to school.

The times that I spend with my children, they're not just there by my side existing. I talk to them, I tell them what behaviors will not fly in this house. I explain the world to them. I teach them, and I'm saying I a lot because this is my podcast and I'm talking to you. However, my husband is there as well, and he's, he is pulling his weight, he's teaching them, he's doing all those things as well.

Just wanna mention that, but for the sake of this podcast, I'm gonna keep saying I

nobody can. Tell me that I'm not raising my child and I'm confident in that and you know, I don't need to be convinced of that. It's not something I feel guilt about. But I wanted to talk about this in case you have guilt about this doc. Like, is this the reason that you don't want to get the support that you need?

Is this, why Is there somebody in your life telling you that having help means that you're not raising your children? Do you believe that from wherever this belief comes from, and if you do, do you even know where it comes from? Why do you think that way? Is that a true statement? That if you have a nanny, if you have an au pair, if somebody else does bath time, if somebody else feeds.

Or they run to somebody else because, you know, they stub their knee. Does that mean that you are not raising them? Truly based on everything that I've said so far. And if you're still like, well, yeah, that's still what that means. Are you going to send them to school? Right. And I'm not trying to be slick or anything like that. I'm, I'm really trying to challenge this notion, partly because I truly don't understand it, partly because I don't agree with it. And partly because if this is truly what you believe, I think this is gonna help. Which partly, but that's the main part, right?

So there's a challenge to that idea. But then there also the benefits of having other people in your home, helping you raise your children, giving you support, and one of my guests  was the first person to bring. This idea to me that I absolutely agree with, and then I reflected and I was like this, this is what I had.

The importance of difference in perspectives, different personalities, like all of those things are important and you get that by having different people taking care of talking to and being with your children. There's benefit to a diversity of thought and people. To your children. So it's not just I work all the time, I don't have time for this.

I need to hire somebody to, take care of all that stuff that I choose my career over so that I can't do. It's, it's not that. And if you are holding on to that thought and that story, then yeah, I can see why. You don't wanna do it or why you're forced to do it and you feel guilt, but are you willing to reframe, to change that narrative in your head because it is not helpful.

And let me tell you, definitely not true. Right? There is benefit to having other people around. And of course, the. Greatest benefit is to you. Having support, having people be a part of your village, paid or not, is not a luxury. It is not something to be looked down upon. It is not something that equates to you are not raising your children because you are, even if you see them one hour.

Out of a day, which is very possible when I was working full time, it may be possible, right? If you add up all those hours and you intentional about your time that you do have with them, those hours means so much more than the times that you're away because you are mom. You have their best interests at heart, you have that connection with them that no one else will ever have.

And if you are like. Whatever season I'm in right now, I am missing too much time. I don't like it then make the change. But because it's something that you want and because it feels aligned with the presence that you want to have in their lives, not because you think that you're not raising them.

like I said, my parents worked very hard. You cannot tell me, Selwyn and Lucille Luces and not raise me, and I'm sure my sisters would stay the same, Those memories that I have,

the fact that they are filled with love, and fun and sometimes too much presence, right? Because you know, we had rules and all this crazy stuff. I would never look back on the childhood that I had coming through two hardworking individuals that worked that hard for me and then say, they didn't raise me.

Are you crazy? And I know I sound, sound heated, but I am passionate. Like I just, this whole, this whole concept is I am. Very grateful. That is not something that I had to overcome because I could only imagine how difficult it would be to overcome if this is your belief and that you are then getting confirmation from other judgy people that don't know your life, don't know what it's like to be a physician mom and have their own ideals and shoulds and all of that in their minds as they give you this input that, yes, this is true.

I can't imagine what it would be like to have to navigate that, which is why I am so passionate about this right now and why I am recording this episode,   if this is something that you believe, this is something that you have heard.

This is something that keeps you up at night. This is something that is preventing you from getting the support that you need. I want to invite you to consider this new perspective to set things up so that. When you are there, you are all the way there. You can be fully present. You can be fully intentional with raising your children and still get the support that you need and that you deserve in this season now, no matter how old your kids are, that is my wish.

 so I'll leave you with this. 

You are doing 

the best that you can.

You were never meant 

to do this alone.

Having a village is a normal, 

necessary,

and almost expected part 

of parenthood that we have lost 

as a society 

that is built on capitalism 

and some other terrible things. 

Having help, 

having childcare, 

sending the child to daycare, 

doing all of these things 

while you work in this career 

that you have sacrificed 

so much for, 

is not only necessary, 

but it's - it's normal.

You can have that support.

Have the different members

of your village

and still successfully

raise your children. 

I am living proof

if you are like, but your kids are young, how do you know that you're not gonna mess 'em up? Here I am picture of perfection. 38 years old. Am I 38 yet? No. 37 years old, almost 38.

This is actually my birthday month. Hey, living proof 

that you can be 

a working parent 

and still raise beautiful,

successful, 

intelligent, 

grateful human beings

that will go out into the world 

and make their mark, 

and know in their 

hearts and their souls

that they were raised by you.

Right? I am living proof of that.

So I would love for you to release yourself of this pressure and this guilt and this idea that you cannot be a working mom and still raise your children. 

You can design your career and your life around the type of presence that you want to have. You can still work, you can still pursue the career that you love and that you work so hard for. You can pivot and do something else. You can quit and say you wanna be a stay-at-home mom. You could do any of those things.

All with the knowledge that each of those people have the ability to raise their children, and they're just doing it in their own way, with their own set of rules and their own intention.

So the next time somebody utters those words to you, or the next time you think. Yeah, well, having help means that you're not raising your children. Go back to your favorite podcast listening app. Pull up this episode, listen to it again, and then. Move on with your day and continue to pay that woman.

Continue to search through the au pair profiles. Keep going, 



and I am very serious if you have like a legit argument about why this statement is true. Please, I will have you as a guest on the podcast. Let me know. Let's talk about it, So I want you. To share this episode with another physician mom who is being plagued by these thoughts and.

Give her the gift of this episode. I want you to go on Apple Podcasts and leave a five star review and say how much this podcast has changed your life. Leave a five star rating everywhere else that's not Apple Podcasts and where you can't actually type out how wonderful this podcast is and make sure you subscribe, you follow, so that you never miss an episode.

And I will see you on the next episode of Stethoscopes and Strollers.