69. The Pressure to Be Everything and the Freedom of Letting Go: A Conversation with Dr. Tolulope Olabintan

Hey Doc—

Let’s talk about what it really costs to perform strength.

Dr. Tolulope Olabintan is a family medicine physician, a private practice owner, and a woman of deep faith. She’s also someone who—like so many of us—was raised to be “the strong one.” The Proverbs 31 woman. The helper. The one who keeps going, no matter what.

Because “strong women” don’t sit still.
They endure. Power through. Serve.

But what happens when that identity clashes with your actual humanity?

In this conversation, Dr. Tolu shares her story of postpartum hypertension, pregnancy complications, hospital escapes (yes, literal), and learning to stop performing the role of the unshakable woman.

We talk about:

• How she envisioned herself as a virtuous woman in motherhood — and how that image evolved
• The cost of silence when systems take advantage of your sacrifice
• How postpartum hypertension, fatigue, and guilt finally led her to rewire everything
• What it means to teach others how to love and support you

Dr. Tolu’s story is full of grace, growth, and hard-won clarity.
And you’re going to feel every bit of it.

Dr. Tolulope Olabintan, MD, FAAFP, DipABLM is a Board-Certified Family Physician, Board certified with American Board of Lifestyle Medicine, and a Fellow of the American Academy of Family Physicians. She also completed a Women’s Health Fellowship and is a certified HIV specialist by the American Academy of HIV Medicine. She is fondly called by her patients as "Dr. O."

Dr. O is also the owner and CEO of Livingspring Family Medical Center, a primary care center located in Mansfield, Texas. She has over 13 years of medical experience. She helps patients live long and well as she believes the quantity of life is just as important as the quality of life. She places emphasis on lifestyle changes that help patients thrive throughout life. Furthermore, Dr. O is a life-enthusiast, a Christian, wife, and mom who enjoys good cuisine and can’t get enough of the colors teal and orange.

For more information about Dr. O, you can visit her website and connect with her on

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Transcript

 Hey Doc, I am back with another wonderful guest. I am so excited to have Dr. Tolulope Olabintan. She is a dear friend. She is a board certified family medicine physician, also lifestyle medicine physician, and she is a mom just like you. Welcome Dr. 

Tolu. Thank you, Dr. Toya for having me on. I'm honored and delighted, not petrified.

Yes, delighted. Well, 

I'm glad. I'm so happy I haven't seen you in such a long time. I'm very glad that we can do this. Let's get right into it. Tell me, before we talk about your kids and your husband and all of that, what was your idea of motherhood before you became a mother and where did it come from? 

Oh wow.

Um. Being a mom to me was like a person who could be all things to everyone. Uh, where'd I get that from? Between my mom and the proverbs 31 woman, the virtuous woman who had money helped her husband, helped the whole village and apparently still looked good. I'm like, yeah, that's, that's who, that's who I want to be.

I didn't, my mom didn't prioritize. Rest still doesn't, it's, it's hard for her to chill. Like when she sits, she leans forward. She, I'm like, mom, leaning to the chair. She's always trying to help, which is great, but I, I saw that as ideal be all to everyone when they need it. Independent of how you feel like you are supposed to be a strong woman.

That's motherhood. So that's, that's what I took to be the definition. Yeah, I think subconsciously, yes. 

Wow. And was it. Aspirational for you? Were you like, yeah, I can do that. Or was it like terrifying? 

It was actually aspirational. I like to challenge myself. So if you type a like, Ooh, yes, I'm going to be this person.

If she exists, then I can do it. So it was inspiring. It was a challenge. Um, it was a moving target. So, and I do believe in many things in life you keep working 'cause there's always something to upgrade. So for me it wasn't an illusion, it's just something that maybe at the end of time I would get to. Yeah, I'm Have you arrived?

Ah, I've understood it better. Ah, I've understood that motherhood is, is a ministry. I've understood. Motherhood is learning when to ask for help and receiving the help. I've understood that motherhood is prioritizing yourself so you can prioritize those you love. And you're sent too. I've learned that the virtuous woman had help.

She had maids. That's right. Um, she had a community, she had friends, um, and she knew, she, she knew how, like, what to put first for herself. Others didn't get to do that for her. Yeah. So that's the sweet spot. We're gonna unpack it, but I've lost themes on the way to there.

It's cost me on the way to understanding fully what that means. I wish I knew it sooner, and that's why we're here. 

That's right. So with this, this wonderful image of this virtuous woman in your mind, tell me about when you met your husband and you were like, yeah, I'm ready to, to step into my role.

when I met my husband, um, I was in residency. It was a, um, actually in fellowship. I was in fellowship. I finished my residency. I went to do a surgical women's fellowship where I was the, um. I was the only fellow there. and the other person didn't show up, but the workload didn't reduce. Oh. And so, you know, my, my, my mindset is always, always a privilege to work, you know, for someone, like, come on, you, you do.

So they didn't know that the schedule they were doing, they wouldn't look at what was done last. So I would have come off of a call, let's say Sunday, but the next block they would put me on. So I had unending calls and I thought that was normal. Um, but they didn't look at the schedule and I said nothing.

So I think six months into the program, I met with the program director. Interestingly, she actually sent me a message right before this. I looked at her in Facebook. She said, I'm very happy that you, you found your niche and you expressing it fully. I actually told her I thought she hated me. I said, I thought it was, uh.

Kind of said black woman, black women when black women were the only ones here. So you, you just, I don't know. Right. I thought I said, I thought you hated me because my schedule, I don't understand how you expect me to work, be on call back to back six days straight and there's no break. 

Right. Um, and 

then when I'm in the or, you know, she would train me in such a way where she want me to get the baby out in under.

Under six minutes or seven minutes. 

Yeah. 

And she'd be like, the baby can't breathe. Baby can't breathe. So I'm, and then when we're done, she'd be like, good job. And so like, and then the, or people would come to me, because I'd be crying, I'm, I'm, you know, shaking.

And she's like, you know, great job. And, and so when I met with her and like, no, that was not my expectation. That was expect you put of yourself. I mean, you could've said something. I was like, well, I didn't know too. I felt like I didn't wanna complain. Right. It's like, no, you're a hard worker. We just thought you were glutton for punishment, so we let you run.

I said, but that's not, wow. So, so that's lesson one. So I had met him and at that time, we were dating and, you know, I'll share some of these stories. I actually thought he would leave, 'cause I complained a lot in my opinion. But he was like, you know, that's okay. This is a season of your life and just ask for, he's the one actually encouraged me to, to ask.

So I did. And then fast forward, we got married, had our first, uh, son. That was rough. But prior to that, it was rough because I, I had a tough pregnancy, so I was in the hospital with him for 24 weeks and, and this is very, I I, I was, I was, I, my water broke at 24 weeks, so I was in the hospital from 24 and six days till he delivered it 34 weeks.

Now this, this and you means to 34. 

Wow. Okay. 

Yeah. So it was, that's the whole miracle. That's a whole different story. But the, the, the few months before I was pregnant. And, and, and that's why I was really eager to come on this podcast because I, I, I can't, I can't believe some of the things I did and I was bleeding, so I was having a miscarriage.

Now mind you, during this time I'm doing ob, so I do deliveries. I'm in the hospital. I'm working at a hospital, um, with residents and supervising. So I have to go in sometimes and I'm bleeding. You were, you weren't attending by this point? I an attending, yeah. Okay. Um, so I'm, I'm bleeding. I'm 11 weeks pregnant.

But I'm like, no one should suffer 'cause of what I'm going through. 

Hmm. 

So I go, I do deliveries and then I go into my, my, um, attending room and I bleed and I cry and I come out because nobody should suffer because I was, I. Then a year later? Oh no, no, maybe, um, when I got pregnant with my son, I was in the hospital and I was wondering why the program director was, was trying to reach me and I'm like, why?

He was trying to apologize for the organization, before I would get the letter and I'm like, what's the big deal? He's like, I just wanna tell you how much we appreciate you and for the work and we keeping you in our thoughts. And as you're in the hospital, so obviously I'm on bed rest, and then I get a letter a week later saying that because I didn't

Qualify for FMLA, I wouldn't get paid. Wow.

And I remember my husband telling me,

Babe, I love you,

but I'm hoping this is a lesson.

So you lost your pregnancy

while working for them.

But because you didn't qualify

for FMLA, you don't get paid

because you are in the hospital.

Right.

I need you to know what's important.

To always put the first things first. 

Yes. 

But I had the miscarriage.

He's like, What would you tell

to your patient who was

going through a miscarriage?

I'll ask them to go home.

Pelvic rest.

He said,

You went on call.

You were on call overnight

and you bled through the hospital.

Did anybody know?

I was like,

No. It was not theirs to know.

So Sometimes I think

it's a messianic complex.

We think we are this robot.

We set unrealistic expectations

for ourselves

that cost us more

than they should,

and then we get angry

because somebody else

is taking

what they need from us

because we don't know

how to take what we need to.



  📍  📍 Yeah. That's 

not balanced 

and say no and choose ourselves. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry you went through that. 

Still crying. It was years ago. You know, it doesn't matter. Yeah. 

Yeah. So when you had your water break, what happened exactly? Where were you? How did that happen? 

It's so interesting. I was actually on vacation the next day.

I was supposed to be on vacation. It was the day before my birthday and was supposed to travel. I know. And I was gonna go, uh, I was supposed to do an ultrasound. I'm like, I don't know why. They're obsessed with ultrasounds. We can reschedule. My husband's like, no, let's go. So I go and they tell me I'm two centimeters dilated.

And the one of the legs, limbs of my son is kind of dangly a little too low, and then I have to go to the hospital. I was like, no, no, no, no. I, I, no, I'm going on vacation tomorrow. We're not doing this. No. Of course I cried. I was like really upset. And so, um, two hours later I was packed and in the hospital. And, it was multiple, you know, multiple doctors consultations. Sometimes they didn't agree what the plan was for me. Even at 34 weeks, they were not even sure we sent her home because I hadn't delivered.

Mm. Uh, 

at 32 weeks, I, there was a scare. I went to the, or they thought they, the baby was gonna come, but it, we prayed, it stopped, contraction, stopped. Mm-hmm. So, um, but we made it to exactly 34 weeks. Um, he came. You went into labor or they induced you. Oh. Oh. So we, you know, they're wasted to induce. Um, so the night before and then the night before what?

The night before we had the baby. Yay. No, I need, I need some explicit, 

say it 

explicitly. So we, we, we, we, we had sex and, um, we, um, wow. The baby. The baby came. 'cause we like, the doctors are confused. I said, let's, you were one of those people. Yeah. I was tired. I was tired. I was tired. I was like, we we're 34 lung sugar long, um, mature.

They've given shots. I'm tired. I mean, I'm, I've been there 10 weeks, six days. I literally felt like I was going crazy. I had read books. I had meditated. I, I knew the pattern. I could tell when it. Uh, people were about to get off of work. I could tell you the pattern being on the road. Um, I tried to escape a few times.

I was caught to call security, so I was ready. So I was like, oh, 

wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. 

I tried to jailbreak. Let's back up a bit. What do you mean you tried to escape? Did you really? Okay, so, so, you know when you're on bed rest, they have to put the, the things to prevent blood clots. They have to Yes.

The 

SCDs. 

Yeah. So they put it on for the first two weeks, like. Maybe four days after I was there, strictly bed. I couldn't walk, I couldn't stand on my own. So I called, I'm like, I need physical therapy now. This is so weird. I can't, like I wobble. I was like, no. So they did that and then, you know, you know, I hadn't decorated the house yet, and I was like, no.

So I tried to, I tried to sneak out, I took my phone with me and then my husband goes like, where are you? I'm like, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm by the hospital. You are by or in. 'cause he knows how I play words. Like, I wouldn't wanna lie. I'm, I'm by the hospital.

By or in bye. He's like, where? I'm like, yeah, I wanna come out. So he help me escape. I'm not suggesting this for anyone. Um, we drove out. Um, I went to the house, it was, oh, I cried. It was dusty. I had not set up the room yet 'cause I thought I had time, you know, so I looked around, I cried. I was like, babe.

So I told him, gave him instructions of where I want the bed set and when things were delivered and how, how, 'cause what I pictured, this was nothing like I had pictured, right? So I give s instructions and then the next thing I know they're calling, you know, she's missing. I'm like, oh fine, I'm just. Around the width.

So where was your iv? Did you take it out? Oh, there are ways you can detach it. Yeah, 

well, I, so it was still in, it was still in your 

body. Yes. I'm medical field. I just detach it. Just twist, just twist it up. So the, I know you 

know how to detach it, but I was wondering 

if 

you took it 

out before you left. Oh, no.

'cause I don't like getting stuck, so I, I just kept it and I just, you know. 

I went out. So you had a plan to go back, you just escaped a lot. Yeah, I did. 

I just needed, I just needed to get out of that place, man. It was the same hosp. They moved us though. They moved us. 'cause I needed two fridges. I had people come into the house like, oh, so this is the importance community.

So I let people pour, people would bring me food. I would feed some of the staff. I would feed people come visit because I had food brought to me and I, I, and I said, they asked me what I wanted to eat before I'd be like, no, I'm good. I don't wanna bother. But I, I, I let them, I let people support me. Gimme the help I I needed during that season.

Yes. 

Yeah. That was a long, you know, I always think about what it's like for patients who PPROM and are there for weeks and weeks and weeks, because at my last job we had to get to a point where it had to be routine that people got outside time because it wasn't always, they would stay in the room the entire time.

It could be months and, yeah. I mean, I've never had anybody escape quite like that after practicing graduate medical school, medical school in 2011. I've never had somebody escape. I am she ish pushed in that way. Um, but yeah, that is amazing. So I. You know what I have had happen. I have had people who have been P ProMED have sex in antepartum and I cannot believe that You are one of them.

I am she. 

That is amazing. So how, I mean, I'm gonna get real graphic. So how long from the time that y'all had sex to labor starting maybe eight hours. Seven. Eight hours. Wow. 

Yeah, it worked. Yeah. 

Wow. 

It worked. 

They didn't have to give you any pit or anything? 

Nope. Like I, I was cramping. It hurt. Now it got to a point where I was stuck at six, seven centimeters.

So they had to start me in pit. Whew. We had a whole plan. He was gonna be worship music. He was, I'm gonna get your hands off me. You, you all at epidural now? Yeah. All my plan went out the window. Yeah. Worship. We play worship, but I'm like, I need now. So the worship was supposed to help you with the pain.

Yeah. 'cause you know God's presence. I'm like, yes. You know, Lord, I'm gonna help me through this. I wanna do natural. I wanna be the strong Hebrew woman. I don't need nothing. You know, virtuous woman, 

she doesn't do an epidural. 

I was so thankful for the gift of epidurals. Woo Lord. 

Amen. That is hilarious. Okay, so you had, I'm assuming a vaginal birth.

Yes, yes, 

yes. 

Okay. Everything went fine and you went home. How was postpartum? 

Whew. Um, so postpartum, and this is where I'll share part of my culture, not in a way to down, you know, to put my culture down, but just the balance of it. So one of the things we do is when you have a baby, eight days after you have your, um. Your naming and people come and they celebrate with you and they're, they're expected to be fed. Um, and, you know, so, and you know, I'm also a little bit of a neat freak, so I expect my house to be tidy and all the things. So, I thought I would have to cook. My husband was like, no.

Usually people come together and cook. But I was like, the expectation to even have a woman who just pushed out a human being do that is ridiculous, right? It's like, no, it's a celebration. So I understood the balance of people help you cook, they nurture you, you know, there's a heating, um, almost like warm compressors that are done around your womb to help you with the healing process.

You know, usually your mom is around to help you with. Babysitting the kid, but I wanted my house perfect still. I wanted to portray the image of a capable woman who even though has just pushed a human being, um, could still be all the things. Mind you, my legs were swelling, my hands were swelling, and my blood pressures was 160 over a hundred.

I went back to work 'cause no FMLA, that's money now. So I went back to work in a week. What? Yes, I did. So that's why we're having this conversation. I went back to work in the week because I had not gotten pain for 10 and a half weeks. Um, we have a new little person, so it is also why at my work, even, even part-time get alac short-term disability.

It, it, it's, it was such a, that's my PTSD response. It's like no woman should ever have to go through that. So I, I went back to work, blood pressure 1 60, 100. I'm like, I went, I was in the hospital for for 10 weeks, I am not going back. I, I tend to eat healthy anyway, I elevated my legs. I was working.

Um, people were like, no, you need, I'm like, no, we are gonna pray this away. I didn't tell my husband. Interestingly, he didn't, he didn't know. He didn't know. Does he know? Does he know now? Uh, well, uh, yeah, now he knows. He was like, I, I can't be. And then my mom was with me.

And one of the things I did

that I tell people not to do,

was even when my baby was sleeping,

I was cleaning,

I was,

I was making things ready.

I was, you know, being the things

I thought I needed to be

to show that even though I had

"lived in America,"

I was not Americanized.

I was still the strong, Black woman.

She is strong... you know,

so I could do it.

Dr. Toya: Strong Yoruba woman. 

Okay. Exactly.

So it's, it, it put undue pressure on myself.

And one day,

I will never forget this,

my son had apparently

had some problem breathing

and my husband had tried

to get my attention

and he said I didn't wake up,

'cause I was so exhausted

from staying up.

And guess what, Dr. Toya,

I couldn't remember that conversation.

Dr. Toya: Wow.

Ooh. That scared the crap out of me.

It was. Then I realized that, I remember seeing this to the Lord in prayer. I said, Lord, clearly I'm gonna have to take a dump. I'm gonna have to go out. I, this kid can't be with me all the time. Like, I can't, so I'm gonna need your help for, for the things.

Like it dawned on me like I was gonna go get grocery. I'm like, okay, this little person, my mom wasn't there at the time. I'm like. I, I have to take 'em with me or have it like it, oh, oh my, my life is forever changed. This is week two. Blood pressure is high. I feel off, but this is life. And so I remember praying.

I said, Lord, I need to help me. I can't carry the anxiety of having to watch him This is someone that was in the hospital, was in the nicu, had to be in the NICU for about a week after, so we actually had the naming. At the, at the hospital. Wow. The pastor came and few people and, and I was like, it scared me.

So I prayed. I remember asking God for help and I remember one day, it was a few days after, at 1:00 AM I feel the Holy Spirit prompted me to get up. I got up and I went to see my mom. Now there's something we do where you put the baby on the back and trying to get mm-hmm. I told her not to do that. He was, he was bringing out food from his nose and my mom was going like this.

She couldn't see him. Oh, but I got up in time to go and say, mom. So he was essentially choking on his food. My mom like this, and it was 1:00 AM and I said, mom, don't do that. And she's like, oh my God. How did you know? I said, the Holy Spirit woke me up. Didn't know. Right.

So we know community,

my relationship with God,

my family,

my support system,

women,

like now we're in a group of people

where when people get pregnant,

have babies,

we all, we take turns

one week providing food for them.

At least the first month,

they don't have to.

Because I've been there.

Yeah.

I've been that mom

who wouldn't speak up.

I've been that mom

who was trying to be everything

and wouldn't ask for help

because I didn't think it was normal

to ask for help.

And so I need all the things,

my relationship with God,

my parents,

the systems in place,

asking,

saying no,

and all the things

to thrive as a mom.



  📍  📍 That's right. And you learned it the hard way. Yes. The very, very hard way. 

Yes, I did. Wow. 

So after, how long did it take you to learn that lesson? Because you had preeclampsia. I didn't hear that you seized, even though thankfully Yeah, thankfully you had to go back to work. Like, how long did you endure all of that before you learned this lesson?

You know, the sad part, well, not the well ironic part is now looking back. 

Mm. 

I'm learning the lessons in the last maybe three. It was Covid. 

Mm. It was 

covid that really, really did it for me. And then I went back and I looked at patterns. I, I think it was another podcast where I was talking to young moms and I was like, don't you know some of the things I was saying that I did?

I was shocked. 'cause I tell patients, don't do that. It was Covid that did it for me, uh, when Covid happened. You know, I'm, I'm a, I'm a hugger, so Covid took that away from me. Patients, no hug. I. When I get home I had to be hosed down shower, like I had to run, like there was a whole process and so it, it did a number and I sat there and, and then I remember trying to talk like tele visits.

I had to talk, people try not to kill themselves. Like literally talking to someone saying, don't, don't, I'm gonna call the cops on you and I realized that. Even my, my husband was actually, he was like, he liked it because we were all home, um, we were all doing our little video things and people were outside, but we couldn't really relate.

Like, and at that time, my husband was not a hugger ' it was  my daughter. And so I remember like, like I would look at patterns where my husband, like my parents were around, and my siblings who were loud and they would stay up late. He would just excuse himself and go to sleep. I would stay up. And, you know, stay late, as late as they wanted, entertained and have to wake up early.

'cause my morning routine is a big deal to me. I would do that and, and, and I would get annoyed and feel so sorry for myself. Like, I was doing the things, being everything, but everybody was taking what they needed and, and being okay with it. And then it hit me. I'm like, it's not my husband's responsibility to fill my cup or make me joyful.

He contributes to it, but it's not his responsibility. I. I need to ask for what I need to fill my cup and take it. So I started asking my daughter for a hug. She's a hugger. She loves to hug. So I would kneel. 'cause then she was, she was what? Six. She would kneel and I would hug and I would, we would even cuddle.

And I would hug my husband's. Like I said, you're not a hugger. I say, call her my favorite hugger. My husband doesn't like, he gets jealous. She's my favorite hugger. 'cause she, she helped me through, she would hug and lean and say, mommy, it's gonna you okay. 

You know? 

And so now in the mornings I ask for hugs.

When they walk to me, I pray for them. I sing over them. I speak words of power. Like you all look at your daughter destiny. And I hug them. I take my hug. 

That's right. Morning 

I take, now he's like, I don't get hug. So now he gets his too. But I take it, I have learned to say things like, alright, like my parents came over one time, love him and they were taking too long.

And I said, all right, since y'all won't leave, 'cause they were supposed to end at eight, there's food. I'm go, I'm going upstairs to sleep. My dad was like, oh. I'm like, yeah, I know. 

Pause. How big of a deal is that in a Yoruba family household? I just want to set the context. 

Oh, even my dad was shocked 'cause that's not something I typically do, but because I knew how much I needed my rest to do all the things I do, I was okay with the balance of win for you here's food.

Yeah, that's the TV remote. That's stuff where y'all don't, you can lock the door in the back. Like that's, just press that and be done. win for me, I get to rest and not be resentful or crankier in that morning. 

Yeah. Yes. And let me ask you, 

are 

y'all still close after that? You know, we are. In fact, I've learned ways, like I send videos.

So, because if I call them, you know, I love my parents, you know, they, they talk long. How you doing? Oh, oh, my dad would call me for an important mean, what shirt should he wear? Or like, oh, something really important. I'm thinking of, you know, what do you think? I'm like, dad, when you text me saying, call me.

It's important. Yeah. Make it sound like it's a medical thing. He's like, no, I just, I, I, I looked, I calculated it's lunchtime for you, so I figured you shouldn't be doing anything. I'm like, okay. So I learned to send videos to let them know I love you. I may be busy. I still love the you here's a video and they'll send videos back to communicate.

So I'm learning ways, creative ways to still get win-wins for me too. And it's not selfish is wisdom. 

Hey, that's right. There's, there's so much wisdom. Oh my gosh. I wanna go back a bit because I don't wanna miss anything. I feel there's like, there's more. So tell me, after you had your son, how long was it until you had your daughter?

Um, it was a year and a half, 18 months after. 'cause I was like, let's get this over with. 

And how was that entire situation? 

It was easier. Okay. It was easier with her. Um, my parents were, were around both of them. I also made sure, you know, I was clear to communicate like, okay, this is what I want, this is what's important.

Um, I understood that, you know, babies crawling on the floor was okay. 'cause then I used, with my son, I would put a blanket so he could crawl. Like, you can crawl on the floor, you'll be fine. As long as there's nothing you, you. You know, she bumped head a few times. Just a few times, you know? Yeah. So you relaxed a little bit right.

With him, he was born early. There was a lot, so there was a lot of hovering. So with the second it was, it was kind of easier. And she walked quicker. She knew how to, like, she wanted to eat her own food, grab her own thing.

She didn't like to be fed, so, so she liked to be independent, so it made it easier. Um, so that was easier. And since I had learned from the first one asking for help, um, I understood that, okay, we're gonna order food and things like that. And mom, um. You know, this is what we're going to eat. 'cause I know you like this, me making this, I can't be making this or that's too much work so y'all can, here's the freezer, let me know what you want me to buy.

So y'all can make all the foods you want. And that's a big deal in our culture. Usually you cook for everyone. So you know, my mom like, I'm like, mom, what do you want to cook? What do I can do you mind? Um, and because before, no, I cook for you, it's my kitchen. This is my home. I run, I'm the woman here, you know?

So now it's like, who do you wanna cook? Here you go. Oh, what did you cook? Can I have a salad? Right. 

Let me support you in cooking for me. 

Yes. 

Oh my gosh. I have known you for a long time, but now everything makes so much sense because you have had such hard, this is hard earned wisdom, right? Going from this idea of, a virtuous woman and then trying to be that and not valuing yourself.

And your body with, you know, the miscarriage and learning the very hard lesson that these people really don't, they don't care about us. They are, we are not their top priority. We have to be our own top priority. And I'm glad that your husband was there to help you with that lesson and to support you in that way.

And now I understand why you are such a delegator, because what I didn't mention in the beginning is that Dr.

Tolu is also the proud owner of a private practice in Texas, and she is a boss ass. I won't finish that 'cause she's also a woman of God, but she is a boss of a very large, very successful, uh, primary care practice and the best delegator, the biggest team. And to think that that's how you were before to where you are now, like you didn't, there are a lot of people who haven't learned the lesson still.

So that is, this is amazing. So tell. Doc out there that's listening more about your practice. You've already given so much wisdom. Let us, let's hear about your practice as well. 

 I will say this,

One of the things I also learned

that has helped me

in the practice is

you have to teach people

how to help you.

I used to get mad at my husband. I used to get mad at him. Every birthday he would buy,

like one year, oh, I, I, I, I did bad in this one.

he bought me, um,

roses and um, Cheesecake Factory.

I hate the roses. Like the smell and they have thorns. I'd rather you get me plastic one. I don't like cheese.

He brought it.

My parents were there and I'm like, I was upset, visibly.

And then he's like,

I want to buy you expensive things.

You keep wanting in the back.

I said, it's like you don't know me. I don't like, like thorn. They're thorny and they don't smell good. And then you buy me, she's, I hate cheese. So even my parents

were like, for her? Like, this for our daughter? So I was like, even my parents were like, He's like,

No, I just thought

I wanted to do something

a little out of the ordinary.

And so I, I said, you know what? So I had the choice every year because I'm very good at birthday parties. Like I can, I'm very thoughtful with gifts.

One year for him,

because he never had birthday parties,

I felt sorry for him at age 33.

I bought him a gift

for every year

as if it was his birthday.

Dr. Toya: Awww. And he never forgot.

Yes. So I'm that deliberate.

I used to be like,

Oh my gosh, I'm pouring, he's not.

I say, you know what

I'm gonna tell him.

I said,

Babe, for this year, you know that spot... I like,

I would like to eat there.

This shoes are on sale. I didn't know you wanna buy, but this, like, he bought me a d There's so expensive shoe. My daughter is wearing it. I, I'm not, I'm sorry. It's not, that's not my thing. But He bought me, um, it's from Aldo.

And he had flowers,

a weird looking shoe,

and my mom was like,

Uh-huh.

That's, that's my girl.

So he felt good,

but I told him what to get

and then I acted surprise.

So every year it's like,

okay, what would you want?

So sometimes we get angry

when people don't read our minds. 

So 

now I, I said, babe, I like when you grab my butt in public. Now when we're in church, we do too much.

It's awkward. It's awkward. I'm, I'm about to go pray. You grabbing my butt. So I'm like, I like when you're not giving me attention, babe. I like attention. He's like, okay. Said, but then you tell me it's too much. I say, I know. Ask God for wish. Give you the balance. I like it, but you have to dose it.

You know? So you have to tell people how,

you know, how to help you 

Dr. Toya: And you have to be that specific, too.

And to also not just say it once and that would be it.



  📍  📍 I just wanted to highlight those gems because there's so many gems. I wanna make sure you getting it, doc.

 Okay, go ahead. 

Yes. So with the practice, what I'm doing is I'm always thinking, what are ways that I can delegate this because the only thing I can do that no one else can do.

Run my practice and seeing patients the way I see them now. I teach my nurse practitioner and my PAs and my physicians soon. Whenever God gives me one how to be like me, I don't hide that. To me it's not, it's not worth, like that's increased capacity. Yeah. So I teach my team, come, come watch this video.

What do you think? How do I help you thrive? So I empower people to thrive in their role helping me. So it's a win-win for everyone. That's the trick for success for everyone. So when I'm having people help me when I'm delegating, I also want it to be a blessing to you. It will help you keep doing it and keep doing it well.

Yeah, 

that's the sweet spot 

I. Amazing. Amazing. Dr. Tolu, I wish we could go on, but I know you have patients for your wonderful, amazing practice. And I want you, I Doc, if you're listening and you're like, I wanna work for this woman, guess what? She's looking. So tell the people where to find you. 

I am on the web.

www.livespringmedicals.com. You can also email me directly hello, at live spring medicals.com. I'm also on Instagram, on Facebook, on YouTube. If you google my name, you'll find, and I, I'm, I'm big on direct messaging too, so you send a message at some point it, it'll get to me and I'll respond. 

Yes. And where are you physically located?

Oh, sorry, where? Mansfield, Texas, not too far from Dallas, where we help people live long and well because we believe the quality of life is just as important as the quantity of life. Please come join us. You, you, you love it here. 

Exactly. You want to join a  thriving primary care practice. Call her, contact her.

You want to, you want to be around this wonderful woman, don't you? I mean, you've gotten so many gems in, what, 30 something minutes. Imagine if this was every day, right? This was amazing, Dr. Tool. I'm so glad that you were generous enough with all of your stories and your wisdom. I really appreciate it. Let me know.

Do you have anything else you wanna leave? The docs that are listening with, 

thank you for inviting me for this and I, I really, really appreciate you giving this topic a voice. 'cause it's really, really important. And the balance of life is that you get some too. Right, the Bible says, love others as you love yourself.

It's balance. That's the balance of nature, really important. 

Wonderful. And in general, that would balance is used in a way to overwhelm women. This kind of, you must do it all. And that's how you can have it all. And you find this balance. But that is the best way that I've heard it used. Balance what you are giving out with what you're giving to yourself, because that is important.

Yeah. Oh, so good. Dr. Tolo, this was amazing. I'm so glad you could join us. Thank you. And Doc all of her information will be in the show notes and make sure that you follow the podcast, subscribe, write a review on Apple podcasts. Leave us a five star review everywhere else, and share this with another physician, mom, because these stories are for us so that we can feel a little more seen and a lot less alone, and we have done it people.

We have been through it so that you don't have to, 

Hmm. 

Right. Even if you're in it right now, listen to Dr. To listen to me. Learn from our mistakes and from our hard earned wisdom. I. And make some changes. And if you are having trouble, you just like you are so drowning, you cannot even see a way out. Reach out to me.

That is what I do. This is what I help physician moms do to navigate all of this and to live a life that you wake up and be like, wow, this is, this is my life. Doing exactly what you need to do. So schedule free coaching session, the links in my bio on my website, dr toya coaching.com, and make sure that you come back for another wonderful guest like Dr.

Tolu. They are all this amazing, I'm telling you, and I will see you on the next episode of Stethoscopes and Strollers. Bye.