72. Let Him Be Great: Releasing Control in Your Home

Hey doc,

This one might sting, but it’s worth staying for.

In this episode I am calling out (with love) the high-achieving physician moms who don’t realize the pattern that you’re part of: weaponized perfectionism. Not because you’re mean or controlling. But because you’re capable. Efficient. An intelligent, successful physician mom who knows how to get things done.

But when those same traits spill into your marriage, they can unintentionally block the very support you’re craving.

In this episode, let’s talk about:

• The ways some of us unintentionally sabotage shared responsibility
• How the word “let” reveals power dynamics we don’t always see
• The difference between “letting” him help vs trusting him to lead
• The hidden consequences for your kids (and your future marriage)
• And one big question I want you to think about: Are you weaponizing perfection against yourself?

You didn’t ask to carry it all, but you also didn’t stop yourself from picking it up.  

Let him rise.

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Transcript

Hey Doc, tell me, is your husband actually useless or are you just treating him like he is? Yes, I am calling you out. This is the first episode in my month long of episodes about husbands and fathers, where it is a direct call out with love. Of course, before I was, you know. Giving some context, opening up your mind to other possibilities that there may be things bigger than us contributing to the issues that we have.

This one is very particularly about you and the ways that you may be contributing to the issue of the uneven load and your husband not being the all in partner that you want him to be. Because as high achieving professionals, as women physicians, we tend to be all a certain way, and we tend to be right a lot of the time.

Most of the time, I would say. And with that comes certain traits of perfectionism. You know, and I'm using this term loosely, acknowledging that mental health is no joke and there are people with actual OCD, but you know, the way that we use that term, our OCD sometimes gets the best of us. And because we have achieved this certain level of success.

and those traits have been a huge part of that success. It spills into everything else and is a lot of times praised and rewarded. So it's just like, well, yeah, of course I'm, that's gonna continue. But when you have kids and when you're running the home and the perfectionism is there, the, "I must do it because nobody else knows how to do it."

"I must do it because if he does it, I'm gonna have to do it over." "I must do it because...." then becomes a problem because it then flips into I am overwhelmed, I have to do everything. I can't rely on anyone. And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And then we bring in terms like weaponized incompetence.

And don't get me wrong, there are many men who do that, but I do believe it is less than we think. And I do believe that there are things that we can do. To allow these men to rise to the occasion and to allow for whatever output they give to be enough, and that's what this episode is about. So. Hopefully you will stick with me.

'cause I imagine somebody's just like, I ain't tryna hear this right now. No, he is weaponizing that incompetence and that's all it is. But I hope you do stick around because I. If you are listening to stethoscopes and strollers, my hope and my assumption is that you are interested in your own growth as a woman, as a mother, as a physician, and this is one of those times where we are gonna look a little bit inwards and see what we can do to make our own situations better.

This is another form of radical responsibility, which is one of my favorite things. Taking complete ownership for your life in the greatest capacity that you can.

So I wanna start with a story from one of my clients that shows this perfectly. She started off this session saying, I feel like I have to coordinate everything in this house. I was like, oh, tell me more.

We were discussing my son's daycare and he said he would find the daycare options and , we would review it together and we needed to find the options like by the end of next week so that we can start applying, because a lot of these places have wait lists, so. This was like Sunday and we said we would talk about it again the next Sunday, but by Tuesday I was just like, he is probably not gonna do it.

He's not gonna find the right ones. This is a waste of time. Let me just go ahead and do it. And I found them, but it's just like, I always have to be the one dealing with all this stuff. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He said he was gonna do it. You didn't even give him the time that you both agreed on.

To complete set task. So while I appreciate the fact that you didn't think that he would do it correctly, this is not an example of you needing to do everything. This is an example of you not trusting your husband to do what he said he would do. You not expressing the fact that you had a concern about the choices he would make.

Then taking it upon yourself to do it and then martyr yourself in the process. So of course I'm giving you the condensed vision of how that. Session went, but I wanna ask you, does that sound familiar? Are you saying that you are letting go of tasks that you're delegating? Like when you say, I asked him, I asked him to do it, but I ended up having to do it anyway. Did you step in before he even got a chance to do it?

Did you let him do it? Then it was like, this is, this is not good. I just have to do it over See?. This is why I didn't wanna ask him to do it in the first place. any of those things happening, and as I, it left my mouth, I just want to sideline and talk about that. That word let is used very often in our circles, physician mom's circles, like I let my husband, or I would not let him do X, Y, Z.

And the fact that that word is being used gives a window into your thinking because this is a whole equal, supposedly, human being. This is your partner, this is the children's father. How are you letting or not letting him do anything? Sure you can discuss something and come to decision together. Or you can disagree and agree to disagree, whatever, but to say that you are letting him suggests that you are in fact in charge and he is the helper, which last I checked was part of the problem, right?

It's that. The expectation is on you and he's just there to help as needed. So it is important to examine, do you use that word? Is that how you think? And I remember this very particularly. There was a post in one of our groups where the poster was asking about her husband taking their young children out of the country without her to see his family.

And there were hundreds of comments. The majority of those comments said some version of, there's no way I would let him do this and I was shocked because of all the problems my husband and I had. That was never one of them. There was no me letting him do anything.

Like he's a grown ass man and he is their father, the equal responsible party. So if that is a narrative that is in your head. Ask yourself, is that affecting this division of labor? Is that affecting our dynamic and how we function as a team? Well, if you could even call it that, is this contributing to the problem that I'm currently having?

So

there's the issue of not even giving him the chance because you don't think he's gonna do it. You don't think he's gonna do it well, you don't wanna have to do it over yourself.

And my response to that is, usually done is better than perfect and done by somebody else, is even better than done by you so let your husband do what he said he was gonna do, give him the opportunity to. Do what he's gonna do. And it's not give him the opportunity to fail, it's give him the opportunity to rise. Let him rise because there's a good chance he's going to, if you truly let go, right? If you truly delegate and not waiting for him to fail, micromanaging. All of those things that are not particularly helpful to achieve the main goal, which is to get the task done. But that is one scenario, and it is often the scenario that gets the most attention, right?

It's just that it's gonna be fine. It's good enough. It addresses our perfectionism and all that. But I wanna introduce another scenario. Where if you can imagine that his done is actually better than yours, oh my gosh. Can you believe, can you even fathom such a thing? And okay, I'm poking fun a little bit, but again, I have a story.

I always do. I'm being a little bit extra because this story is mine.

We homeschool our son

and I do most of the schooling.

I don't even remember how that was decided.

It just ended up being that way.

I like to teach, I'm a doctor, whatever.

I do most of it,

and I think it's mainly because I have the most patience,

and it was gonna be the most effective. But I do most of it. So when it was time for my son

to learn how to read, it,

the assumption was that I was gonna do it.

And we decided to go with the method, the, um, what is it called?

Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons.

So I tried it and I was like,

Oh my god, this is gonna be a disaster.

My son was not having it. And because this was, you know, in a time where we had worked through a lot of our stuff, my husband was very intentional about stepping up and doing his part. Even in the situations where we had decided I was gonna take the lead, like the homeschooling. So he offered.

He is like, Yeah, I'll do it.

Let me try.

And I was just like,

Hmm. Okay.

And in the back of my mind,

I was just like,

there's no way.

Ain't no way,

because of the patience part of it, right?

My son was four at the time,

and I just felt like

it was going to be an utter disaster.

But to my surprise,

he actually responded a lot better

to my husband and was reading

by like, lesson 80 something.

They never even finished a book, and I was just like, oh, okay. I don't even know what it was like.

He was just so much better at it than I was.

And it really taught me a lesson.

It's just like,

Well, yeah, sometimes maybe I am not the best

to do certain things,

and there's no way

we would've even known if I hadn't given up the control

of that very important task.

Because in our minds, if our son knows how to read, he can do anything, right.

That was one of our main goals for homeschooling, is to get him reading. But if I had said, no, this is way too important. I have to do it. Like, no. Then it may have been a long drawn process. I may have said, oh, this book is crap. This book doesn't work. It's like when you're operating and something happens, it's like, oh, this scalpel. I always used to joke, if something would happen and my assistant, whoever it was, would be kind and was like, oh, maybe it's the scalpel. I'm like, no, I think it's the operator.

Right? Because you always wanna blame your tools instead of looking at yourself, but it's just like we would have missed that opportunity. So there is a chance. He could do it better than you, and you are missing out on that chance because you don't wanna let him be great. You assume incompetence, you know that you're gonna be better, but you don't, doc, you don't.

So I really want you to consider what this is doing to you, right? How is this affecting not only your day to day, but your marriage, your relationship with your husband, and also the example that you're setting for your children because they are watching you, right? They are seeing that you believe that your husband is incompetent, whether it's true or not, and that moms have to do everything because dads don't know how to do anything.

And then the cycle will perpetuate for your daughters and your sons, right? So

The phrase that I want you to keep in your mind 

when you are thinking

"Oh, he's so incompetent."

"Oh, he's weaponizing his incompetence."

Like,

"I know he knows how to do this."

Ask yourself,

"Am I weaponizing perfection?"

" Am I taking my high achieving,

super organizing,

striving for perfection self,

and using it to martyr myself,

to establish myself as a person

who must do everything,

because no one else will?"

Who must do everything

because no one else will do it well.

Like,

Am I doing this to myself?

Is the overwhelm,

is the resentment,

is the fatigue both mental and physical

due to what I am doing?

Am I using this perfection as a weapon against myself?

'Cause that's really what it is. Yeah, your husband's catching some strays, but you are really using it against yourself.

So I really want to challenge you

to examine your life

on the choices that you are making,

the things that you are doing,

and see What is one thing

that I could let go of, and truly let go of?

What can I truly delegate

and not have it live in me

that this is going to get messed up,

but have it be that I am letting this go.

I am doing so with joy

and with happiness

because it means I do not have to do it.

And I am trusting my partner

to get it done,

and whatever comes out

is going to be good enough.

And also, that I trust myself enough

to be able to communicate exactly what I need.

So what I do get is what I want,

and to communicate after the fact

in a productive way

so I can give feedback that

doesn't diminish him and stop him

from continuing to rise

and continuing to share his load. You know what?

What can you do?

One small thing, 'cause we want to take action.

We don't wanna just. Hear me talking and it's just like, Hmm, that's cool. I guess that's good that it works for you. Oh, I get that a lot. Your husband is different. I, my situation is different that is not the point of this. The point is to make positive changes in your life so that you can create.

An all in partnership. Just because it hasn't been that before doesn't mean it can't be. Now I'm living proof, like I am not just talking out my ass. This is stuff that we went through that I had to trudge through. I had

to pay a lot of money to learn how to do. All of that I did for you, doc.

Yeah. I mean, I guess it was for us too, but it was really for you so that you wouldn't have to go through all of this. So when you listen to this and you feel called out, you feel offended, you feel like she doesn't know my life. I want you to really take a pause and just consider if there's any truth.

To what I'm saying, could this relate to you and your husband in any way? And if so, what can I tweak? What can I try? Like if he wants to take the children out for a walk, let him dress them however he wants and let them go Once they're not naked, who cares?

Does it matter if they're not matching? Does it truly matter? Are you weaponizing that perfection? Okay. Think of one small way and then let me know. Let me know about it. Let me know about this entire episode. Let me know about this entire series. If it was helpful for you, if it gave you a new perspective, what your husband thinks.

Let him listen too. DM me, email me. hello@doctorcoaching.com. I really want to know how this has changed things for you in your life, in your marriage, because this is one of those conversations that I feel like nobody else is having, and it made such a big difference in my relationship and in my motherhood journey, and I wanted to do so for you as well. And just so you know. The next episode will be directed to men talking about the things that they need to do to make our lives better.

So this is not just given context and seeing how we could improve an introspection for us as physician moms. I couldn't do this entire month without addressing dads directly, even though. I'm pretty sure most of my listens are women. Take that opportunity to share that episode with your husband because it is my firm belief that while we do have a lot that we can do for ourselves, for our own personal growth to change our situations, we could only do so much if the people around us don't change.

If the system that we are living in does not change. So, no, I'm not only going to focus on the things you can do and the things that you can fix and the communication skills you can gain. I'm going to talk directly to your husbands and hopefully you shared with them. I'm going to speak to the broader physician community and institutions and all of those things because it takes change at all levels t make our lives better. So that is my mission and that is why the next episode will be to men directly, right? So share this episode with your husband. Maybe you don't wanna give him this, this ammunition. So if you're brave enough, share it with your husband. Share it with another physician mom that maybe needs to let.

Her husband be great and to give him the opportunity to not be useless and to prove himself and to rise to the occasion because I think a lot more of them will once given the opportunity. So I will see you on the next episode of Stethoscopes and Strollers.