73. Hey Hubby: What Your Wife Wishes You Understood About Motherhood

Hey Hubby,

Yep, I said it. This one’s for you. I know most of my episodes are directed toward Physician moms, but this time I’m talking directly to the husbands.

Not to criticize. Not to complain. But to invite you into a deeper understanding of what your wife is going through right now.

Because when you became a dad, everything changed. Not just for your wife, but for you too. And in this season, when the babies are young and the days are long, it’s so easy to feel disconnected, confused, or unsure of how to really show up for her.

So I’m sharing what I wish my own husband had known in those early years… and what your wife probably wishes you knew too.

This episode is not about blame. It’s about connection.

Here’s what I talk about in this episode:

• Why the version of motherhood you think you know might be outdated (and why that matters)
  
  
  
• The invisible pressure your wife is under (and what you’re not seeing)
  
  
  
• How your childhood is shaping your marriage and what to do about it
  
  
  
• Why your wife’s body isn’t “back to normal” and what she needs from you around intimacy
  
  
  
• Real ways to show up and lighten her mental load without being asked

This is a mindset shift, not a to-do list. And if you let it, this episode might just change everything.

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Transcript

Hey hubby. So yes, this episode is for the husbands, so I'm not starting with, Hey Doc, it's, Hey, hubby. So if you have never listened to this podcast, I am Dr. Toya, an O-B-G-Y-N, mom and coach for physician moms. I'm the host of stethoscopes and strollers and for the month of June, I'm dedicating all of my episodes to you, the husbands, the dads, and.

This episode is particularly speaking to you from me, Dr. Toya, directly to you on behalf of your wife. The mother of your children and all mothers, because you may have some colleagues who are mothers, you may have a boss who's a mother, and I think it is very important to understand what we go through, what they are currently going through to better understand where they're coming from, to know why they may say and do the things that they do.

And most importantly, for you all to. Have a stronger connection, be more intimate and truly have an all in partnership, which is always the goal, right? Because we want to feel like we have a partner in our husbands in this crazy motherhood journey, especially when the kids are young. So that's why. I am doing this episode directly to you because I remember when I was in the thick of it and it just felt like my husband did not understand, right.

He just did not get it. And your wife may be feeling the same way, so I want to, in no particular order, talk to you about some of the things that I wish my husband knew, and chances are your wife wish you knew as well, and maybe challenge you a little bit, maybe give you some direction and let this be something that opens up conversation between you and your wife.

And it could be, you hear what that Dr. Toya girl was saying? She is insane. That has nothing to do with this. Or it could be, Hey, is this true? Is this really how you feel? Whatever it is to open up the conversation, because even having that conversation will bring you all closer together, will connect you further.

And if you didn't know, I am actually very pro husband, pro-marriage, I think that physician moms should prioritize themselves. I. Then their marriages and then the kids. That may be music to your ears. It may be surprising, I don't know. But that is why I think this is so important and why I've dedicated this entire month to men and to our marriages.

So, like I said, in no particular order, some of the things that I want you to know,

You may have seen a difference

in your wife when the kids came,

and it may not have been

a positive one.

You may not understand it,

but I want you to know

that there is nothing

that can prepare you

for motherhood.

And the changes to your mind,

to your body,

to your ability to focus

and to the way that you relate

to the people around you,

like nothing prepares you.

And unfortunately these conversations that we are having surrounding motherhood and what to expect are only now happening. Like, yes, women talk and we, we talk about our experiences, but. By far wide, it's glossing over all of the hard stuff.

It's very focused on the baby and how to care for baby and all those things. And if we do talk about husbands and marriages, it's in a very stereotypical negative way. If just this resigned, oh, well that's just men, and this is, you know, what they do on the weaponized incompetence and all that. There are very few productive conversations about what it's like to be a mother, and especially to be a wife and a mother. So understanding that there is this immense pressure to be perfect, to be a good mom, that is more than just, oh, well, don't worry about what they think. Just, just ignore it. You may have thought.

That when you see the things that your wife is worried about

but it is really not that easy, especially when you thought motherhood would would be one thing. You thought it would be the dream and that breastfeeding would be easy and everything will come naturally, and then the reality hits and it's very different and you weren't prepared because nothing prepares you, nobody else was telling you this stuff.

So it can be quite destabilizing to who we are as high achieving really intelligent people, physicians. To come into this new realm where we don't know everything. It's brand new, and there's also the pressure to be all these things and to take care of everyone with very little focus being put on taking care of ourselves. The pressure is like nothing you can imagine and it may not be coming from you or it may be unconsciously, right, but it is definitely coming from her parents. Your parents, society in general, her friends, Instagram, her work. The pressure is immense. The expectation is immense, and It's likely that she was not even prepared for it, but Now, just has to deal with The next thing that I want you to know is that despite what you may think, your mother was not happy. And that may be like a, whoa, whoa, whoa. How did we bring my mother into this? But I think it's important because whether you realize it or not, a lot of what your perception of what a mother should be, what a mother should do, How mothers should operate within the home came from your own, and if you have this memory and impression that your mother took care of the home, she did everything for everyone. She may or may not have worked, but especially if she worked, that she worked and was able to handle it all and she seemed happy.

My parents seemed happy. I was happy. It was a great childhood Then. It may be confusing when you see a wife and she's not all those things, because these situations may not seem that different. It may even be worse because you're like, well, we make all this money. We didn't really have that much money growing up, and my mother was fine.

Now what's going on? Whether you think of it in a negative light or not. There may be at least a little bit of confusion about how your mother was able to be happy and do it all, and your wife is not able to, or maybe is unwilling, and I just want to disabuse you of that perception that there's a good chance that she was not actually happy, that it took a lot out of her to put everyone ahead of her own needs and. Your wife wants better, she wants to be happier,

and if you're like, no, my mom was happy, you don't know what you're talking about, then I want to just ask a couple other probing questions. 'cause you're right, I don't know your mom, that's an assumption, right? Was she fulfilled? Did she have her own dream that she followed? I. Did she have support, like real support?

Was she doing every single thing for y'all and going to work and being a good wife? And if the answer to all those questions is yes, do you really think that she was okay? That she was well rested, she was fulfilled in her career, that she was truly happy, she got to chase her dream.

I'll let you answer that. And your wife is trying to do those things and she deserves to just like your mom did, but it was a different time, different expectations. So when I say she wasn't actually happy, it was to state the fact that no one can have it all, even though people are still pretending like it's achievable and it's a goal, no one can have it all.

So the all that you thought your mother was doing and that mother had was likely not true. Either you didn't see it or she didn't see it, but your wife wants better, she wants more for herself, and that's okay.

And this is a big one. You need to put your wife first. if your mother is still around, if you'll have a good relationship and you do not currently hold your wife in your mind and in your heart higher than your mother, you need to start doing that now. You have made a choice.

you had a family. And you've chosen this new one, and this does not mean that you are putting your mom to the wayside or forgetting her or cutting her off. It means that you are prioritizing the needs and wants of your wife and your current family over the needs and wants of your mom. And I'm not anti mom.

I'm not anti mother-in-law either. FYII love my mother-in-law, but I'll tell you. One of the biggest hurdles my husband and I had to get over was the fact that at one point, I was not number one in his life. We have to get over that hurdle and you need to as well, It's the only way it works and it's the only way that you achieve an all in partnership, which we now enjoy. And to my husband's credit, he realized that that needed to change on his own. It was the underlying issue with a lot of things that we worked on together, but the initial evolution of his thinking about that came from himself, and this is your opportunity. If it's not already the case, to have that same evolution of thought because it cannot work any other way.

Your marriage will never be as happy as it could be. As respectful As sexual as it could be if your wife is not number one, I will leave that to you and your wife to discuss about what that actually means in practice, because you may not even realize that you're doing it, that you are not putting her first.

But I want you to examine your choices, you know a good one. Is to think about how did Mother's Day go? Did you do what your mom wanted to do? Or did you do what your wife wanted to do? Like, did you even think to ask your wife? Or was it just that, yeah, this is the plan,  it may not be the case for you listening, right? But just in case it is. She has to come first.

she needs to feel like you are on her side, like you all are on the same team because. It is very isolating and. It can cause a lot of resentment that may be very difficult to resolve.

So hopefully this is not the only episode that you have listened to and your wife has made you listen to a couple of the ones before. Kidding. That you willingly listen to the other two episodes that I did before because they lead into what I'm about to say. Next and that is for you to realize that your upbringing failed you.

The way that you were raised, and not just by your parents, but by society. The way that you were socialized is the root of a lot of the issues that you and your wife may be having. The traditional gender roles where men's focus is outside of the home, away from the children, breadwinning and focusing on physical labor. And women are focused on the child rearing and home managing. Whether you realize it or not was how you were raised, and it may not be that y'all are arguing. It may just be that things are uneven. Your wife wish things could be better. She feels a little bit of resentment, but overall things are fine but w e are all victim to the same set of societal rules that put women in one category and men in in another, and the expectation is that you. Don't worry about the emotional regulation of the entire house that you don't assume responsibility for.

Everybody else needs that you are not the default parent, All of those things are affecting her, and it is not that your parents failed you. It's that society, right? So recognizing that is your first step to realizing that something needs to change. Because it's a lot bigger than you and her.

And because it is. So big because it is so ingrained, it takes a lot of intentional work to undo and to unlearn, and that is where a certain level of commitment to personal growth on your part is very important because you're not going to unlearn generations of societal gender norms in. One podcast episode, or in a week, it takes continuous, intentional work and it may take outside help, right?

So if she's saying she wants to see a marriage counselor go along with it. If she's saying she wants to get a relationship coach, go along with it. If she's saying that she wants to get a coach for herself so she can organize her life and advocate for herself at home and work, and. Get the support that she needs, go along with it and if she's saying that you need a therapist, that you need individual work, go along with it because this takes work.

So getting more into the practical things, what can you actually do to help Create this all in partnership for your wife today. Anytime you are going to ask her something, take a pause and think, do I need to ask this question? Can I figure this out on my own?

Should I look again?

Let me see if I can figure it out. Right. A big part of the weight of motherhood, especially early motherhood, is the mental load, the cognitive load that we have to deal with not just organizing and coordinating, but. Being questioned, having to have everyone's answer, having to know where everything is.

Is its own separate load. So if we can be relieved of that with a little bit of extra effort, because I believe that you looked, I believe you. I'm not patronizing you. I believe you. But I want to ask if you could just look again, I believe that you thought about this, but I just want you to stop and think a little bit harder and see if you could figure it out.

Because the less that she has to be asked about, the happier she would be, and you are intelligent. She wouldn't have married you if you weren't. I believe that You can figure it out. I believe that you can find whatever it is that you're looking for. I believe that you can do the research.

And  that same vein.

At any given moment when you are home or even when you're not home, make the effort to think about what needs to be done, because the other parts of that mental load is the anticipation and the planning and having the running list of things that need to be done. At all times in our heads.

So if you can take a minute and just physically look around and see what needs to be done and then do it, oh my gosh, that will be amazing.

Be vocal with your gratitude, right? Tell her thank you. Tell her how much you see and appreciate what she is doing.

This is probably one of the most important things

that I'll say in this podcast,

because as much as we want

and need the support,

what is sometimes of even more importance

is the acknowledgement for the work

that we are actually doing.

And for how hard it is

and that we are doing it well.

There are seasons that

we accept that this is hard

and not everything is gonna be perfect,

but just knowing

that the hard work is seen

and it is appreciated,

makes a world of a difference.

  So yes, I know you are tired too. I don't doubt that. I know you're irritated too, but you cannot imagine what she's going through the weight of the expectations, the physical changes that have happened that may never go away, and I get that you may not feel appreciated for what you are doing. And this is not like a tit for tat. It's not well, um, she's not telling me thank you, so I'm not telling her thank you. This is about what she needs to feel good and to feel whole and to really keep going and gratitude. Acknowledgement and feeling seen and heard is one of those things.

And again, not that this is the reason to do it, but she will soften. Things will get better if she is happier. What is this saying? Happy wife, happy life. So your goal is for a happier all in partnership and saying thank you. Being truly grateful for the things that she's doing is one of the easiest, fastest, and best ways to get there.

And one of the easiest, fastest, and best ways to get you back to intimacy, which is the next thing that I want to talk about.

The changes to her body that have happened, not even from the delivery, just from carrying this child and if she's struggled with infertility and didn't carry the child, what that is doing to her mentally as well. They are changes that come with motherhood that.

We as physicians, me as an OB, GYN, still don't even fully understand and that we are not taught enough about how to appreciate and how to care for, so her body may not feel like her own. It still needs to heal. It needs to heal for way longer than she is allowed to give it, to heal or may give herself. So be gentle, be kind, and be patient because this is a brand new body. And snap back or not, which is not the goal. It has changed and it has changed forever, and her feeling inside of it has changed forever. So when you are thinking about. Being intimate and getting close and sex, just keep that in mind and remember that anything you say that involves her body or being intimate and sex may feel very confronting.

It may feel very scary. It may feel like a slap in the face because she's so tired, so irritated, so unappreciated, so everything, so tread carefully, proceed with caution, proceed with curiosity, with kindness, and with it always in the back of your mind that this is not the same body. This is not the same body that you got pregnant and.

Give her the time and the grace that she deserves to heal and to be ready. And don't be afraid to talk to her about it, not in a pressuring way, and just realize that a lot of things can feel like pressure, even if you didn't mean it, but to express how much you miss her. Right? And realize that if the reaction is poor, it's probably because she doesn't feel supported.. So if you support her in other ways, if you are acting truly as an all in partner, if she has everything that she needs, she's more likely to respond positively to inquiries and suggestions about physical intimacy. And there are other ways to be intimate, and that's probably all she's ready for. When you talk about in the postpartum period. And that may extend for, for a while if she's continuing to breastfeed. If she's continuing to feel overwhelmed and feeling like she's drowning and the mental load is so heavy, no, she's not gonna be in the mood.

She will never be in the mood. Because the mood is dictated by the mind for the majority of women. So if the mind is fatigued, irritated by the dishes. Overwhelmed by the screaming and the lack of childcare and the office manager and the OR schedule, yeah, she's not gonna be in the mood.

So considering all of that and how our sexuality is different, will make any kinds of discussion surrounding intimacy and sex a little bit easier. At the very least, give you a little bit more understanding about why you're being shut down. If that's the case,

and I mentioned it a little bit before, but I just want to stress that. The care for the postpartum body is lacking

and it is only now becoming of importance. So there may be changes that she's experiencing that she doesn't even know what to do with, and neither does her doctor, depending on if that's their focus. So patience and consideration is likely what is needed if that is the case.

So if she is irritated,

overwhelmed,

snapping,

stressed,

and , you already know.

There's no family around,

y'all don't have any childcare,

you don't have any support,

 chances are you need some help.

And if she brings it to you,

support her.

If she wants to hire somebody,

spend the money.

Do not block the help.

If she's saying she needs help,

go along with it.

You can certainly come up

with your own suggestions.

You can talk to family

if that works with your family dynamics.

You can facilitate,

you can be a part of it,

but don't block it.

I have a whole episode about convincing you the husband to get an au pair and it can go with any type of help.

I have heard it all from my clients, from my colleagues. Oh, I wanted to get X, but my husband doesn't want to just go along with it. It is worth the money. No, it's not too expensive. Yes, your mother could have used it. No, it's not elitist. Yes, it may be a little bit weird to have people in your home, but it is worth it and it is necessary. Again, if she feels supported and she feels happy, you benefit, happy wife, happy life. It should just be enough that she's happy and that she's asking you for it, but you also get benefit as well.

So just say yes.

This is a big one.

Learn about your feelings

and learn about how to express them.

Anger is easy.

It is the easy choice,

but chances are,

if you feel angry all the time at her,

at your situation,

at the kids,

there are other feelings

that have not been processed,

and that you cannot communicate

that are contributing.

It is not a societal norm for men

to know anything about feelings.

About how to name them, what it, what they are, to talk about them, to express them,

to get help for them.

That's, that's just not a thing. At least it likely wasn't a thing when you were coming up.

So there's a good chance that

you don't actually know

how to process them,

and definitely not about

how to communicate them.

I guarantee you,

if you take the time

with intention of figuring out what your feelings are,

it will change everything. Because as I said before, anger is easy. You are a complex being just like she is. So it's very likely that anger is not even it. It could be depression, right? It could be a whole host of other things that you may feel like you're not allowed to feel like. It's not important to figure out, but.

The goal is healthy marriage,

happy life with this woman.

It is worth figuring it out.

It is worth getting the help

to figure it out.

And it is worth getting the tools

to be able to communicate it.

And that way you can properly communicate when you feel disrespected, when you are made to feel like you're not a good father, that you can't do anything, right. That's how I was making my husband feel, and I had no idea, like I didn't know, because his response was to shut down and to build up a wall and to say whatever I thought about how he raised our son was not important.

Like he can't let my criticism define his role as a father.

But I didn't know all that until after he gained the skills to express that to me. Before it was just like, well, damn I guess he's mad. It is worth it.

All right, hubby, that is it. My by no means extensive list of the things that your wife probably wants you to know, and I hope that it was helpful for you. I hope that it gave you some insight into who she is and how she feels and the things that she needs, and at the very least, I hope it sparks a conversation between the two of you because you are important to her, and therefore you are important to me because it is my goal for all physician moms to have wonderful, happy, beautiful, intimate, caring, all in partnerships during the early stages of motherhood and beyond. So let me know. If you have any feedback what you and your wife talked about, send me a dm.

Email me at hello@drtoyacoaching.com. That's D-R-T-O-Y-A coaching.com. I would love to hear from you and let me know. If you are, if you're there listening with him, let me know if I missed anything and I can do a part two, right? Share this with another physician, mom's husband who needs to hear all this, and I'll see you on the next episode of Stethoscopes and Strollers.