76. The First 72 Hours: How to Set Your Au Pair (and Yourself) Up for Success

Hey Doc,

If you're bringing an au pair into your home, congratulations on building your paid village!

But now what?

The first 72 hours are a critical window. Not for work (they can’t technically start yet), but for setting the tone of your entire year together. This episode walks you through exactly what to do and what not to do,  to help your au pair feel welcomed, prepared, and clear on your expectations.

Whether it’s your first au pair or your fifth, this is how we’ve set things up in our home to reduce stress, avoid rematch, and build real connection from day one.

In this episode, I cover:

• The mindset shift that makes the welcome feel warm
• Why you must treat this like onboarding and not a “get-to-know-you” hangout
• How we assess driving safety before Monday morning drop-off
• What goes into our very first family-au pair meeting (yes, there’s a handbook)

Your home. Your babies. Your boundaries. 

Let’s make the most of these three days and set everyone up to succeed.

If you’re thinking about starting your Au Pair journey, grab my Au Pair Checklist to help you get clear on your needs, prepare your home, and avoid common host mom pitfalls before they even happen.

Grab the Nanny Hiring Checklist here!

Thinking about getting an Au Pair? Get the Au Pair Checklist!

Remember to subscribe to "Stethoscopes and Strollers" on your favorite podcast platform so you never miss an episode of encouragement and empowerment.

Apple Podcast | Spotify | YouTube

Connect with me.

Website | Instagram | Facebook

Join my Email list to get tips on navigating motherhood in the medical field.

If you feel you need direct support or someone to talk through the unique challenges of being a physician mom, schedule a free coaching session.

...

Transcript

  I am doing this for the very first time. This will be a live podcast recording and I am so excited and I hope that everything works because it's the first time I'm doing this.  So, I am very excited, very, very excited today because today is the day that my new au pair arrived and I feel the relief of child care washing over me as, as we speak.

And it's also happens to be the day that I finalized who I am going to hire to be my next VA. So, the support is in abundance. So I am particularly happy and excited.  And let's talk about the first 72 hours. After your au pair has arrived, because it is going to set the stage for the next year that you're going to spend with this person in your house. So you might as well make those first 72 hours count. And if you are unfamiliar with me, I am Dr.

Toya. I am a coach for physician moms, really just helping them  thrive in medicine and motherhood without completely sacrificing themselves. And. The way that I do that is to help set up things in their lives, like childcare.  And, you know, all of the support that they need to feel like you can be the best mother you can be and to be the best physician you can be.

So that is my passion. That is what I am focusing on currently. I'm an OB GYN by trade. I am also a mother. And I am a host mom, so let's get into talking about how to make those first 72 hours after your au pair arrives really, really count,  to maintain your sanity, and to make sure that you keep this match, because trust me, Trust me, you do not want to go into rematch.

 All right, so for those who don't know, au Pairs are child care providers. It is a student exchange program. So they come from their country and they provide child care for you and your family, and in exchange they get a cultural experience.

They get to experience life in the U. S. It is an educational program, so they do have to take credits while they're in the program. But I think it's like six credits total for the entire year, so it's nothing rigorous that they have to do. Some au pairs do choose to do something more extensive, but you know, that's really up to them.

It is really that they are getting this experience of being here and experiencing American culture in exchange for providing childcare hours.  And the first 72 hours is very important because in general, they can't actually be alone with the children. They can't start working for the first 72 hours. And it may seem like, you know, well, I don't know what to do with them.

It may be a waste, but let me tell you, you can make those first 72 hours definitely count. So,  I'm going to assume that you have an out of country au pair.

The au pair that just arrived today, she is a rematch, so she was already in the US, and she actually happened to be living an hour from me. So there's no jet lag, no any of that, but we're going to assume this person has come from their home country to be your au pair. So program rules, you have to go and get them.

You have to provide transport.  I mean, I guess you don't have to go get them. You can send an Uber or something, but I would go get them. It is,  it just gives a better impression  and it's more friendly and more,  you are coming here to be a part of our family if you go and get them. I'm not saying you have to have balloons and signs and all that.

You can definitely do that. Um, I have never done that part, I think because  we usually go end up getting to the airport late. So I would, I had the basket and stuff in the car, but we never actually got out the second time. The first time I went and it was like a whole thing, but whatever, you don't have to do signs and all that, but go welcome them, get them from the airport and welcome them into your home.

My son was very excited. He made a sign for her and cut out her name and stuck it on her door. We had a nice little welcome basket there for her just to really make it seem like. what it is in actuality, which is what I hope, is that they are being welcomed into a lovely warm home that they're going to spend the rest of their year in.

So you just want them to feel like, you know, okay, I, I can do this. Like, these are nice people and I'm going to be comfortable here. So, how far you go with that in terms of the celebration and all that is up to you. The important thing to remember is Especially if they are crossing time zones, they are going to be exhausted.

So even though you may want to get in the swing of things or you're not exactly sure what to do, just keep that in the back of your mind that they are going to be tired. And I found that usually they're so excited. They want to stay up and like do stuff and see, you know, get to know the house and all that.

But I, tend to remind them, hey, let me know when you need to go lay down. Let me know when you need a rest. We are not  like clingy people, clingy is not the right word, but we like independence and we like independent au pairs. So I also make it clear that while we are here, we are welcoming you, we have lots to show you, you're going to be here for a year and there is time.

So if you just need some quiet time, if you know this is all overwhelming and you need a break, you can go to the room, we will not be offended. If you want to go take a shower because you've been traveling for 14 hours, go do that, chill in your room, talk to your family, just allow them the room to Be alone and to really realize what the hell I am in a new country.

I'm in a new home and I have a new job. So the first day is really just getting them from the airport depending on what time they arrive.

It may be quite late, so having the little surprise. And then we usually do a nice family dinner, which is the only family dinner they will get. This is something they know from before. We don't do family dinners just because of how our lives work, but we do make an effort in that first day. And we are with cultural care agency and they typically, bring the au pairs on a Friday. 

So I, I kind of like that because the first 72 hours are a wash for the actual child care, but it's nice to be on a weekend and have that time. to be the time to get settled, because it's a Friday and it's a weekend, so it feels like it should be that anyway. I know different agencies don't really have that, tradition.

The, the au pairs can come during the week or whatever. And if you are rematching like we did, you can actually choose the day, so it may not necessarily be a Friday. So I had the option of  choosing what So  we actually matched, I think, on Sunday, and the first day that she could come was Wednesday, and we just chose Friday because it was just easy and it's what we were used to. 

So it really just depends on the situation. So, first day, you of course will show them the essentials, but again,  you're not trying to overwhelm them with information, but they still need to know where stuff is, right? Show them the bathroom. Should we have locks on all of the cabinets that are, you know, child high?

How to open the cabinets? Where are the fridge is? Like having their groceries and stuff ready for them,  so that They're not here after this long travel and like, I don't know what to eat. I don't like this stuff. This thing, these things are weird. Just making it  as smooth a transition as possible is really going to make them feel comfortable and feel like, yeah, okay.

I made a good, a good decision. So we do a fair amount of showing around on that first day, but always checking in and being like. Hey, how are you doing? Do you need to rest? Are you okay? And especially because our au pair now is a rematch, she's used to the program, like she knows what's up.

So. we came home, we ate, I showed her the essentials, and I'm like, okay, I'm gonna nap,  then I left her. But I also know from our talk before, her personality is that she's a little bit introverted, so I know that she appreciated that. And I also released her of the responsibility of eating lunch with us, because, you know, it was during the day that she came, and she very happily went to her room, to eat.

But I, you know, it was very clear that this was an invitation. You could eat here. Or if you just wanna be alone, that's fine too. I will not be offended. Whatever is the vibe in your house, just make sure that they are aware of it.  And knowing the personality of the person that you have is also helpful and knowing yourself.

Because if you really want a family member and somebody who is going to eat all meals with you, then make sure you screen for that. So that's usually how the first 24 hours would go. after that, the second 24, now you really want to take a couple hours to show them where everything is.

And this is still not work. It's not child care. But it's setting them up for success when they actually start the child care because they need to know how to use the washing machine if they're doing your child's laundry. They need to know how to use the stove. They need to know how you do things in your home and to, you know.

Don't leave the lights on and this is how you get out to the backyard and so you want to really spend a couple hours with them just showing them how things work, showing them where things are, having them even follow you around while you take care of the children. None of that is actual work and it will also set them up for success when they actually start working.

Especially if you are working full time and you do not actually have time to take off to, you know, like fully onboard them and be with them when they actually start working. Like this weekend This first 72 is when they are going to really observe what you expect and what you want and learn the house as well so that it's not like a shock when they are left alone with the children,  if you're not able to continue to be with them after the first 72 hours.

So. I also start driving them around, right? Driving is a big part of what we need for our au pairs. So I want to show you where my daughter's school is. I want to show you where the parks are, where you'll be taking my son. We go and see the library, like getting the lay of the land, just so nothing is completely unfamiliar when you are left alone with the children.

So we have first 24 is welcoming them, making sure that they are okay  and settled and ensuring them that they're with a nice family that's going to treat them well, and then the second 24 is really getting them to know your home, getting them to follow you around while you take care of the kids, and then driving them around.

Really like, okay, where are we? What's going on? And still remembering they may be jet lagged. So checking in often. Do you need to rest? Are you okay?  Do you have time to call your family? Like doing all of those things as well. Usually for us, the next 24 is still not work, but you need to be on the road.

You need to start driving. By that last 24 hours, we want to really assess for ourselves if this person is safe enough to drive our children. And if they're not like super, super duper strong drivers,  when will they become? That because that's what we need, right? So we're not unreasonable. I am a foreigner.

I have gone from Driving in one country on one side of the road to driving in this country on another side of the road So I get it. I get that it's a transition However,  a strong driver in one country, especially a country with tiny roads  is usually a strong driver anywhere  So, I don't ascribe to the whole oh well, you know, they, they're driving on the different side of the road, it's going to take them weeks, no, no, no, no, no, no.

For a strong driver, it is going to take you  like an hour,  maybe a couple minutes really, but maybe like a day, let's, I'll give you a day. It is going to take you about a day  to get adjusted to be able to safely drive somewhere. Will you still, you know, when you get in, you go to the wrong side of the car or you have to tell yourself, you find yourself on the wrong side of the road, because that has even happened to me when I spent a lot of time in Trinidad, I would go to the wrong side or I would be driving and realize, wait a minute,  I'm not on the right. 

So there's that.  In a controlled setting where me or my husband is driving you around my very quiet neighborhood,  you're going to be strong, right? It's not going to be like, whoa, what is going on? So you're going to get a pretty good idea very quickly about if this person is safe enough to drive  And if they are Great.

Of course, like I said, the adjustment will be there, but it's not like, uh, I don't know what the hell is going on. And for us, for the situation that we have, our au pair was a driver in her home country, but was not driving with her past host family, and she's been here for three months. So not only has she never driven in the U.

S., it's been a while since she's driven at all. Because we knew that, before we matched, my husband drove out there and took her for a drive. That may seem extra to some people, but we thought it was a blessing,  because it is very rare for you to have that level of vetting for any au pair, in country or out, because they're usually far away.

Like our last match, rematch, was in Boston, so we could not tell if she was a strong driver, but we had enough of the information because she was a second year, and she happened to be staying with the family, where she drove the most with in snow and stuff, so um, We had a good idea that she was a strong driver, but we couldn't pass up this opportunity.

to drive with this girl because she was right there. And even though she had not driven for three months and this was the first time she was driving in the U. S. at all, my husband was able to assess that she can drive and she's a safe driver.  And that is the only reason that we proceeded with this match because this is what we need for our child care situation to work.

It is not something that we want to compromise on. We compromised before. And while She would have gotten there eventually.  it would have taken way too long for what we needed for our situation. So that's just like a pro tip.  Do not compromise with what you actually need for your child care, just because you're desperate to find a warm body.

Warm bodies are not good when you're postpartum.  They're not good when you have child care. You need somebody who is actually going to help you and take the load off. Otherwise you just have this extra person in your house eating all your food for no reason. Right, so,  in this, you know, last 24 hours, really taking them for a test, and not just like a loop around the block, if they have to go on the highway, and you need them to do that on Monday, like when they, the shift starts, take them on the highway.

Right, if they, they need to take your daughter to daycare, like with us, drive to daycare. Make it count. It doesn't make sense just doing a really little bit or Being like, well, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to overwhelm her. She's about to be overwhelmed anyway, right? You're about to leave this chick with your children  by herself.

You might as well give her all the support that she needs now when you are around. So. It doesn't feel like a trial by fire, because you have had that, doc. You have been through residency. You know what a trial by fire feels like, and it does not feel good. So don't, do that to her,  right? Let her go, get the nerves out, go through all of the panicking and the freak out of  WTF.

I am driving on the wrong side of the road. while you're there, while you can calm them down and,  and. God forbid,  you get in the car and you realize, well, damn, she actually can't drive,  you know, very quickly. Because one thing my husband always says, wherever we're going, we're getting there quickly. So if this is not going to work out, as much as I hate going through the rematch process, I will go through  process.

Um, because if being in this program and just  Being me in general, running businesses and all of this, I don't have time to waste. So, you will be able to use your judgment and see if the driving is at a level  where you are willing to let this person drive your children. Because at the end of the day, they need to be safe to have your babies in the car. 

So  the very last thing 

that you want to do

to make these 72 hours the best,

to set you up for success, 

to make this year be the best year possible, 

is to have your first meeting with your au pair.

 I want to pause there. 

Your first meeting, it will not be your only meeting.

You will meet several times with your au pair. 

We do weekly meetings and I...  

it is the best thing 

to continue to keep the lines of communication open.  

And to make sure that everybody 

is always on the same page. 

So that they are not hurt feelings 

that are just bottled up inside, 

or something that was done wrong and nobody knows, 

because nobody's saying anything, 

because you don't want to, you know, 

be awkward or whatever.

If you're having a meeting every week, 

whether you have a problem or not, 

all of those things become non issues. 

  



  📍  📍 Because, hey, we're having a meeting, so this is what we do. So It never becomes a thing  and the meetings can be done earlier if there are earlier issues. So we do ours on every Sunday night. But when our last au pair was here, we noticed some issues very, very quickly.

So we had our meeting on the Thursday, like we can't wait. We are not waiting until Sunday. We need to address this now.  Setting the expectation that meetings will be happening every week and actually sticking to it is going to set you up for success for the rest of the year. And of course things happen, right?

You're busy, you may be on call, you may have whatever, travel. So it doesn't have to be that no matter where you are, what's going on, you have to have this meeting. But the expectation that it will happen and It being an exception, if it doesn't, is really going to be the best thing for your relationship with your au pair, and just to, again, save your sanity.

Right, so in this last 24 hours after your au pair's arrival, and you have your first meeting with you and your partner, if you have one, and the au pair,  you want to  set the stage. Right? This is what we expect for our year. This is what we expect from an au pair. This is what we expect from you.  And these are the things that we do in this house.

These are the things that we don't do in this house. Assume that they did not read your handbook.  And I, I am going to assume that you have a handbook because that is something else that you should have. Right? So assume that they did not read the handbook. Or assume that the English was not good enough to fully comprehend the handbook. 

So because of that assumption, you are going to go through the handbook page by page. And if your handbook is like mine, it is about 14 pages long. I've edited it so many times that I actually don't remember if it's still 14. It was like 22,  and then I edited it down every single page because I put that stuff in there because it's important.

So it doesn't have to be a long drawn out where you read every single line and be like, okay, do you understand? Do you understand? But the highlights. And if they are very important points, then you spend a little bit of time on them, ask if there are any questions and just make sure that they're actually understanding you, especially if there's a language barrier.

For us, fluent English is a requirement for any au pair that we have. I just feel like my children are too young to have somebody taking care of them that I can't be sure that my instructions were clear  can't really communicate with them because they can barely communicate themselves. and it's not like a family member or something like that where, you know, there's a second language.

It's, it's just not something that is. something that we are interested in. So, I don't really have that issue, but if I did, it would be, hey, do you understand this? Like, explain it back to me in your own words. What do you understand by this? So, just to make sure that everybody is on the same page. So, we go through that handbook in detail.

And another part that May give you a little bit of pause. It's just like, I don't want to do that. 

The beauty of spending

this first 72 hours with your au pair 

for a couple of hours each day,

 is that you pick up on things.

And you want to talk to this person, right? 

Just, you know, casual conversation. 

I don't think it's something 

you need to force, 

but there are things that you may notice

that may be huge red flags.

Things that you notice 

that may be like, 

This is going to bother me, I need to address this. 

And then other things that's just like, 

Oh, that's a little bit quirky, whatever.

I could deal with it. 

Address those things also in this meeting. 

 Because what a lot of people 

end up doing is, 

This thing is bothering me,

it has been bothering me for weeks / months, 

I haven't said anything. 

I don't know what to do now 

because it's really still bothering me. 

And it, that just doesn't make any sense. 

That is setting yourself up 

for being uncomfortable in your own home.

And why?

I don't know, this is my house, 

this is my sanctuary, my home.  

I want to be comfortable in this place 

that I'm going to spend most of my time. 

  





  📍  📍 Because I work from home and I'm a homebody. 

So an example, and it's a silly one, but it's an example from our last au pair. She didn't speak above a whisper. 

She spoke very quietly and she would also mouth things. So not just that she was soft spoken because I'm soft spoken. I don't know if you would believe that, but I am.  And it's frustrating to people around me, like my husband, but. She would come and be like, 

and I'll just be like, what, what? Like, are you talking to me?  Like, 

and, and like gesticulating and all that. And Why not just use your voice? Because she could speak. And when she was telling us  that she was dissatisfied with something, her voice was very clear and very loud.  So it wasn't that she, she couldn't speak up. And it was something we noticed very early on because it wasn't just, you are soft spoken.

It is, I really cannot hear you. Like, I don't know what you're saying. Please speak up.  So  for some people that may seem petty, but again, this is somebody who's going to be in my home for a year.  and most importantly is taking care of my children. I need to be able to hear you and I need to make sure that they can hear you, right?

So that is something we addressed very, very early. That was not the thing that made us have the meeting  24 hours early, but it was  something that would have bothered the both of us and we address it early and nip it in the bud because it's not going to get any better. You're only going to get more irritated  and like resentful and uncomfortable again in your own home. 

Why?  Why do that? Like, you have enough stuff going on. Right? So once you have done all of that, the stage is set. You are ready now for your au pair to be set free and to take care of your children unattended. Of course, that's, that's not actually true.  You know, I have the privilege of not working traditionally, so I always make sure I have lots of time to onboard my au pairs.

, I spend a couple of days with them. and I understand that's not everybody's reality.  So I would say this, if you are able, because the au pair process is long. You kind of know for a long time that you get in this au pair, take some days off. because again, these are not professional child care people, right?

Um, these are children who are here for a cultural exchange. So you want to make sure that you are comfortable with them being left alone, and that may take more than a couple days, right? And again, they're not working during those first 72 hours. That's really just getting them oriented to the house and how you do things.

When they actually start,  you want to be around as much as possible so you can go through the regular routine. Because again, if you're with cultural care and they come on a Friday. and they can't work for the Friday, Saturday, Sunday.  Monday is usually school and daycare and you going to work. Just that regular routine, which may have been very different from what was happening during the first 72 hours.

So really, if you can take that time off so that you can be with them. And if you cannot, that means the 72 hours becomes even more important. And that first meeting becomes essential because you really will be setting them up for success.  All right, so that is what we do for our first 72 hours for all of the au pairs that we have had, and it has really served us well.

And I hope that you take some tidbits from this, employ it with your, au pair when with their first 72 hours, um, let me know if you have any questions about any of this. Having child care is enjoyable, but. There's also the cultural exchange and, you know, seeing my son get so excited and take her upstairs to show him her room.

I mean, show her his room. It was just so cute. So, you know, they're getting a young, fresh person, not a old grumpy doctor who may not be as excited to play games and stuff. So it's an exciting time. So you really want to set yourself up for success.  And like I said, this will be a podcast episode. So make sure that you are subscribed to stethoscopes and strollers, and it could be found on any podcast platform. It is a top 10. percent podcast. Thank you very much. Right. So I'm very grateful to everybody who tunes in and listens every day. I really do try to provide the most value there and I could be a little bit more free there, um, than I can here, but you know, I'll, I'll make sure it's PG so I don't get kicked off of Mark's platform. Alright, so that is it. I will see you later. Let me go and check and make sure my au pair is actually okay.  I messaged her several times since I left her after lunch. Don't worry, I'm not a bad host mom, so yeah, I will see you later. Bye.