77. Quiet, Direct, and Just Fine: Being Ourselves Without Apologies

Hey Doc,

This episode was sparked by a late-night convo with my husband about our current au pair (who’s on her way out) and turned into a full reflection on introversion, identity, and what it means to actually honor who we are, even when the world tells us we’re too much, or not enough.

I’m sharing something personal about how my personality has always been “a lot” for people, especially in medicine, especially in residency, and especially as a Black woman. I talk about what that has looked like with our au pairs over the years and how I’ve been tempted to shapeshift in my own house just to make other people more comfortable. (Spoiler: I won’t be doing that.)

And more importantly, I talk about what it means to raise children who know that their natural way of being is not something that needs to be “fixed.”

If you’ve ever felt like your quiet presence gets misread, or that in a world where extroverts are favored you’re seen as unapproachable or “too serious,” I see you, and this one is for you.

Key Takeaways:

• Introversion isn’t a flaw, even when the world tries to tell us it is
• Residency is not just hard because of the workload, it’s often traumatizing because of the lack of support and understanding
• Our kids deserve to be supported, not pushed to be something they’re not
• The tools we needed then are the tools we can give now: safety, self-trust, and communication

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Transcript

Hey Doc, I was having a conversation with my husband last night about our AU pair who is on her way out that sparked this episode, and I wanted to share something pretty vulnerable about me, my personality, and the challenges that I have had with said personality and relating to people over the years and.

How having an au pair has been a growth experience in that regard and helped me come to, some realizations and resolutions about myself and how I carry myself in the world and how it affects how I raise my children.

I am an introvert. I. And depending on the context of how you know me, that may be very surprising or like, oh yeah, that makes a lot of sense. So I am an extroverted introvert, so I'm just gonna explain my personality and hopefully you could see why I call myself that. So I. Have no problem being alone.

I love silence. I'm very observant. I really love listening and like deep listening, and I think that's why I am such a good coach. I love people watching and observing and listening to what people are saying and listening to what they're saying behind what they're saying. And you could only really do that well if you don't talk as much, right?

'cause you're listening and. I really value my alone time. I'm perfectly fine with a good TV show, curled up on my couch, just like being alone. Also, I love to be included. I love to be around my people, and if I'm not included in stuff, I'm like, but I wanna be, come on, invite me. So then if I am in my introverted ways, I could say no, but I still wanna be invited, I like. Being out in the world and interacting with people that I like, that make me feel comfortable, that made me feel happy. And it's one of those things, especially growing up, I would see people doing quote unquote extroverted things and I would be like, oh, I wish I could do that. You know, it wasn't this like, oh no, I have no interest.

Like I had interest. I was a little bit scared, but then I also kind of didn't have interest. So that is why I describe myself as such and also there are other added pieces to me, because we are all complex beings, right? So just that label of extroverted, introvert, it's just a piece of who I am.

I'm also very blunt,

very direct, no nonsense.

I have a really high moral standard

and standard for excellence,

like I'm sure most of us do,

and the mixture

of all those things

can come across pretty abrasive to people

in a society where it is valued

to be happy and chipper

and you know, all of those things.

So regardless of what I say, sometimes it's just like, oh, well, oh, why? Why are you so upset? And I'm also a black woman, so there's that layer. And throughout my life,

the mixture of all of those parts of me

have caused me a lot of issues, even as a child.

  



  📍  📍 But definitely in residency, which was one of the main reasons I had such a tough time. And I was actually quite fortunate because even though my residency experience was toxic for me, my program was not toxic. Right. It, it makes me think of that, saying that trauma is in the eye of the beholder because I certainly experienced trauma, but overall.

It was a pretty good program. So I always describe it as the best and worst four years of my life and this is not to say I didn't have growth to do. That's actually kind of my point. I didn't have the tools to deal with all the stuff that I was going through

I didn't know how to deal with being wrong. Well, you know, I had always been at the top, I had always been very smart it's just like, yeah, I, I got this and then I got to residency and I did not, and the anger and the frustration that I had with myself.

Was outwardly silence and lack of eye contact and defensiveness and things like that. So I certainly had growth to do what I needed was coaching. What I needed was. Instruction about how to communicate. But what I got was punitive and labeled and compared to other people in my program, particularly other black women, because it's like, okay, well this person is happy and whatever, so what, what is wrong with you?

So my natural way. Combined with lack of skills and tools was a recipe for disaster, and in that particular high intensity environment, I. It caused me a problem, and I was very lucky that my program itself was actually not that toxic because if I was in a truly toxic place, I could have been one of those residents that was like, I'm getting kicked outta my program.

And if you are not a black physician, you're probably like, oh, what are you talking about? But the rate of black residents that get fired from residency programs is astronomical. They get blackballed, they get put on disciplinary action, they get discriminated. Like it's, there's like a pathway for it.

And it is very, very common. And by and large it is solely because they are black. Because just like me. A lot of us don't have the tools to communicate and not used to being in this high stress environment, including non-black residents. But instead of coaching and grace and being rewarded for some of those behaviors like our white counterparts we get penalized and pushed out.

So. Overall, when I think back on my residency experience, I can see my role in my experience and I can see the greater issue. And that's the issue that I'm talking about now, is that

We make people's natural way,

their personality,

pathological in a lot of situations.

And this is, like many things,

a societal problem.

Because as a society,

we value people who are extroverted.

We value people who make us feel comfortable and can talk and laugh,

and work the room, or as we say,

who know how to 'play the game.'

And as a Black woman I hear that a lot.

You just have to play the game .

And it's, it's truly a survival mechanism, right?

It is knowledge that is passed down

through our generations,

because for a lot of us,

our physical safety is at risk,

 our careers are at risk if we don't play the game.

  



  📍  📍 And I guess it was a blessing and a curse that I did not grow up here and I put no value on playing any game.   📍  📍 And going back, I don't think I regret that at all. I wouldn't change it because even back then, my integrity, living and being true to myself was the most important Playing the game was is not a goal. Like it's not, it is not a goal for me, it wasn't back then, and even going back, it wouldn't be what I needed was guidance and coaching and tools.

That's what I need, but I certainly understand anyone else who wants to change a bit of themselves. To survive, right? To, to make it in this environment that is not always welcoming and all of this came back to me last night when I was talking to my husband about our au pair because this au pair experience, let me tell you. It has been an education. It has been a great vehicle for personal growth for the both of us. It has made me realize a lot of things about myself, and like I mentioned at the beginning, has made me kind of resolute in how I'm going to move forward.

Because after I left residency and through my. Growth journey. A lot of the issues that I had in residency were no longer issues except at times when I was burnt out. Right, because you, you default back to the behaviors that you have, especially if you didn't have the support and training to deal with it.

So at the time of my medicine burnout, I still hadn't gone through all of this growth, not in this way. So I defaulted right back to when I was very unhappy, not talking to anybody very silent. Like I, I'm not the type of person that when I get angry in those situations, I'm shouting, but like, that's, that's not me.

But silence makes people uncomfortable. I. You know, not making eye contact makes people uncomfortable, sharp answers, which would've happened no matter how have you like that, that makes people uncomfortable. Like the combination makes people uncomfortable. So I defaulted right back to that. But since then, , especially with entrepreneurship, i've learned a more empathy. I've always been an empathetic person, but empathy in communication and knowing how to make people feel more comfortable in situations, coming outside of myself and being able to engage with people and ask questions. All of those things I have learned along the way, but at my core, I'm still an introvert. So in my home, I want to be the most comfortable. I. when I'm here, I don't wanna have to talk to anybody. If I don't want to, I wanna just sit on my couch and watch tv. I don't want to have like, you know, small talk. Not all the time anyway. That's just me. And in my home especially because I, I'm so extroverted when I do this work, when I'm on this podcast, when I'm with my clients, when I'm out networking, I.

I need to recharge and come back to that part of myself in my home, and that would be fine if I didn't have an au pair, if I didn't have a young woman who is from a different country, who's in an unfamiliar environment, who is very young, maybe a little bit insecure and not used to dealing with different personalities and different cultures.

So. I can recognize how that has caused issues with the relationships with our au pairs.

Because as I mentioned, silence makes people uncomfortable, you know? So. When they are around me and my natural introverted at home state, there are a lot of stories. People begin to tell themselves about why somebody is silent, and oftentimes, usually because of their own insecurities or their own opinions, those things tend to be negative.

And then add on that. Especially in the beginning, I don't think I really appreciated what this program was and what I was getting from these girls. They are, and that's why I'm so passionate about helping people set expectations when they joined the program because of what we went through in the beginning and the growth that we had to do.

But these are not childcare professionals. These are young women, so. When they don't do things the right way, when you have to tell them things over and over, when there's miscommunication and all that, and there's irritation, add that to the discomfort of silence and the, oh, I don't know what she's thinking.

It's like, oh this, this host mom is a bitch, which is the experience that I have had for all of these years with how people interpret who I am. And how I interact. Right? So

it has definitely caused some challenges. But I was sitting there last night and thinking about it, and I think many years before I would have been like, okay, well no, I have to. Extrovert myself at home more to make them feel more comfortable and to avoid these issues. And I was like, Hmm, nah, that's not what's happening.

Because I am home. I am in my most comfortable and my most safe place, and I, I refuse to. Make myself uncomfortable or put myself out in that way in my own home. Now, that's not to say that I'm not going to take certain steps to make sure that they are comfortable 'cause we are staying in the program. We will continue to have au pairs and I want to make sure that they have a good experience as well, but not at the expense of who I am and.

what brings me joy and what fills me up and my confidence, because when you are constantly told that who you are is mean and who you are makes people feel uncomfortable, and who you are is like. Bad and different and should be changed. It can, it can affect you, but I won't let that happen, not after all of this. And it's, it's actually kind of funny because a lot of these girls,

like prefer my, my husband, but little did they know a lot of the time I have to talk him down. If it was up to him, they would have been in rematch so quickly for so many things. They don't even know how, how much I saved them, like how much everything that they have and they experience is because of me.

So it's, it's actually quite funny.

So I have, I have decided that I just need to prepare everyone who is in my home and around me a little bit more. And even though this, this idea of having to explain my personality is a little bit demoralizing. It's just like, no, listen, this is, I really am nice. This is who I am. It's not you. I recognize that it's necessary to a degree because I'm bringing somebody into my home and I want them to be happy and I want them to take good care of my children.

So in my very long conversations that I have with these girls before they match, I will prepare them for who I am and what to expect from me because I know that they live in this world. In a world that values. Extrovertedness, nice, happy, bubbly, and by me in my home, in my yard, as Jamaicans say, that's not always what you're gonna get.

So I prep them for all sorts of things. I tell these girls everything to expect because I don't want anybody to come here and feel like they were bamboozled. But I never have really explained. About my personality and who I am, and that's something that I need to start doing to make sure that everybody is happy and successful in addition to all the other things that I've learned being in the program, as well that I didn't know at the beginning, but how this relates to our children.

I saw this post in one of our Facebook groups,

where a mom was describing her son

saying that you know, He's very, very shy,

but I want him to have all these experiences.

So I, I'm pushing him to be in all these activities,

but he just cries and he doesn't like crowds.

Should I continue to push him?

Like I want him to come out of his shell.

And I've, I've gone through all this adversity,

so I think it'll be good for him.

And my favorite comment was,

"Please don't make him feel like who he is is wrong."

And I felt that in my soul.

Because that is what we do.

That is what happened to me,

and that is what happens to many people

that don't fit the mold,

that don't make everybody comfortable. And don't have qualities that are generally valued.

So when we have any kind of diversity, any kind of neurodiversity diversity in personalities,

it's like, Oh, this person's weird.

Oh, this person is mean.

Oh, we have to break them outta their shell.

But just like that woman with her child,

 we need to allow children and ourselves

to be who we are and not make it pathological ,

and make it okay to live in this world in a different way.

  



  📍  📍 So if somebody is shy and doesn't like crowds, especially in their formative years, helping them know that this is a variation of normal. You are normal and I'm going to make you comfortable and safe and still have you socialize and still have you learn all of these skills that you need to learn in a way that works for you.

And then talk to them, you know, explain This is, this is what I do with my son. I, I talk to him about how the world works. So while I'm making him safe, while I am. Telling him it is. Okay if you don't wanna go to the library for story time because school is out and there are too many kids there.

True story. My son doesn't, he is my carbon copy. He doesn't like being around a lot of kids. You know, he prefers, he's very social, but with his group, with a small group. So we, we noticed like a year ago, once school is out, he no longer wants to go to story time. It's only through probing why? Why don't you wanna go tell mommy? You used to love it. Like really being interested and digging deep. He was just like, yeah, it's too many kids. And I had to put together, oh, school is out. That's why. Because he was like, I, I didn't know before. So according to what this woman was going to do, she would've forced him to go to story time, to be social and to be around kids.

But that's no. Oh, you don't wanna go that, that's fine. When he is old enough, I will explain how the world works. You know, people may think that this is strange. And you may be in situations where you are in bigger crowds, and this is how to deal with it.

Like, give them the tools to deal with the real world as they're old enough. Take them into situations that may make them feel uncomfortable, but you are there to make them feel safe so that they have their safe center. That's what I plan to do with my son. I'm not going to push him when he's still, his frontal lobe is still developing.

He's still figuring out the world, and it's a big, scary place and wants to be safe. No, I'm gonna be there. To make sure that he is grounded and centered in who he is and he loves himself for all of him and all of his peculiarities and all of that, and guide him through the world, but with that central knowledge that how he is, his personality is okay.

It is normal. It is a variation of normal, and I'm going to show you how to navigate this world. Successfully, that is what I take away from all, like when I was reflecting on this, I think I would've been so much better off if I was not me to feel that who I am, my personality is wrong instead.

I would have loved to have been told, well, hey, this is cool, but that you may run into these problems. This is how you deal with it. This is how you can communicate in a way that may seem more respectful, may make people more comfortable. And let me make the choice, let me say, okay, I know how to deal with people.

It's not playing the game, but it is what I need to do to successfully navigate this world because I can't, I can't change it, right? I can't make people value neurodiversity or introvertedness or any of those things,

I wanted to share that reflection with you because this has been coming on for the last couple days as we have made the decision to part ways with our au pair, and I wanted to share that with you because, you know, in general, I like sharing things with you because I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, and as usual, I want you to feel seen and less alone, but also to introduce this, this idea for our children. How can we parent differently?

How can we parent better now that we have the tools? Because I don't blame my parents. They didn't, they're just trying to survive this. They were raised a certain way, you know, however, I was in Trinidad, it was rude. So I was disciplined as such. I don't blame them at all, but I know better.

So I can do better. And. Obviously I don't have all the answers, but I know for sure that I will work with the children that I have and make sure that they know that every way that they are is perfect for them. It is beautiful actually. I don't like that word perfection, but you know what I mean. It is.

Right. And this is. How it may be interpreted in the world. These are the things you have to look out for. This is what you may need to do in certain situations and be their safe space and let them know that I always have their back and I've been through it so that they don't have to. That is my philosophy for everything.

It's like I went through all these things. I have had the coaching, I have had the therapy, I've had all these things, and I came out on the other side. I went through it, so you don't have to. So I wanted to share that and hopefully it is helpful for you and if you are like me and you're a little bit introverted or parts of your personality that have not always gone over well with people, I see you. I see you. And like I said, it's not like if I didn't have growth to do, I surely did and I still do, right? I am definition of the growth mindset. I know that I could have been supported better, and when I think about the future of me as a coach and the impact that I want to have on the field of medicine that is in my sights, is supporting residents and. Giving them the tools to navigate this very stressful situation without it being punitive. 'cause that is not what I needed.

I didn't need to be pulled into my program director's office to see that I need to do better with the medical students because they, they're scared of me. That's not what I needed. Right. I. That's not what all of these black residents need who are getting pushed out of their programs. And I don't doubt this is happening to other strong personality women as well, but it is very, it is, it's like an epidemic with black residents.

Like we need support, we need coaching, we need tools to deal with a system that is very resistant to change. And that is very homogenous in its foundation. But now has all of these, all these diversities, all these women, all these black people, all these people of color. So it's like, what, what the hell is going on?

I, no, we, we, we can't have them here, but we are here, so how are we going to survive? And. As we do this growth, it will only affect the generations to come. The these things that we are learning and talking about. This is generational wealth. To be able to know how to navigate the world around you and not have it chip away at your soul and to be confident in yourself and to be sure that.

You are okay. Just the way that you are. That's, that's wealth. To be able to know how to navigate different situations and difficult conversations. That is generational wealth. It's certainly things that I value to be passed on to, to my children and I know you do as well, , so I actually have to go as I said, we are parting ways with our all pair and. The agency's gonna call me in a couple minutes. My husband is downstairs with the children while I record this episode. 'cause I was like, it just, it was all coming up for me and I just wanted to get it out so I'm gonna go. So let me know how you felt about this episode. I'd love to hear from you. Email me hello@drtoyacoaching.com. DM me all the things and definitely share this episode with another physician mom who needs to. Know that her personality is fine, even if she has some growth to do. There's nothing wrong with her and there's nothing wrong with you, doc.

And I will see you on the next episode of Stethoscopes and Strollers.