83. This Room Was Made for You: The Power of Belonging

Hey Doc,

This episode is about the reason I created ✨The Connected Motherhood Experience✨ — a space specifically for Black physician moms.

It came out of years of being in rooms, reading books, and trying to apply lessons that were never written for me. Most of the popular resources in the personal and professional development world weren’t created with women like us in mind. The frameworks often reflect lives with different levels of privilege, support, and responsibility.

And too often, the burden falls on us to translate.

To fit our reality into someone else’s formula. To ignore what doesn’t apply and pretend the rest is enough. To carry the weight of being the only one in the room.

In this episode, I talk about what that’s looked like in my own journey, and how it shaped the kind of space I knew I needed to create for others.

✨The C.M.E.✨ isn’t an afterthought.

It’s not a branding angle.

It’s an intentional space built around the lived experiences of Black physician moms — with room for difference, without the need for explanation.

Inside this episode I talk about:

• What it feels like to grow in spaces that weren’t built for you
• The emotional and cognitive labor of translating frameworks that don’t reflect your life
• Why representation isn’t just “nice to have” in coaching, it’s necessary
• The vision behind ✨The Connected Motherhood Experience✨ and what makes it different

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If you are going through a transition -- becoming a parent, leaving a job, figuring out how manage it all, schedule a free coaching session.

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Transcript

Hey Doc. The connected Motherhood experience, my group coaching program exclusively for black physician moms is open for enrollment, and I was thinking about the reason that I started this group. Why it was so important because of something, one of my private clients who is not black, was telling me like what we were talking about in one of our sessions.

And I want to share that with you because I think it may be relatable if you are in, you know, a stage where you're like. Ready to dive into some personal development, or even in our circles, like on Facebook or you at work, and you feel like so many things don't actually apply to you, and there's this isolation feeling of, well, nobody really understands what I'm going through.

no suggestions that people give, really apply to my situation or are very helpful. And I, I know that feeling and I know how, like I said, isolating it can feel, but there's this way that I approach all of these things that I think is helpful. So I want to, to share that. And it ties into, you know, what I was talking about with my clients and why I started the group.

So in this. And I'll say personal development space, meaning coaching, you know, growth. Some people can call it self-help, even though I don't really like that term. It seems a little bit diminutive, so I'm gonna go with personal development and or professional development, which by the way, is how it is coded for my taxes, which is why all of my coaching gets written off for my business. Just a little tip there. If you have a 10 99 or an entity with something else, you can get your coaching as a write off.

I digress. So, professional development. You know, I came to this space, this professional development coaching space through business coaching, right? And. It was a whole new world. I didn't know anything about coaching before. And in that program we read lots of books and I've been in other programs since then.

And you know, there's a lot of reading and I've read some amazing books. In general, the books that are very popular and some of the books that have been the most impactful for me are written by white men, white Christian men. There are very few women authors that have been recommended to me and maybe two of them are black.

So there's a lot that I do not relate to when I read these books and I thought about all of this when I was talking. My private client, because she read one of the books that was recommended to me, which I actually, I have it. It's on that shelf, and I actually just never read it. Like I tried, I started and I was like, eh, I can't finish this.

But she read through it and didn't really relate to it, but was trying to see how she could fit herself into what he was saying. And it actually stressed her out. Like she was just like, I don't know how to apply what he was saying, and maybe I need to change this.

And I, I was just like, maybe it's not you. Maybe it's just that this book was written so far out of your perspective and your reality that the things that he's saying do not apply. Because when you think about it, especially the age of these.

How much are they going to relate to a young female physician who is likely the primary caretaker of her young children? They're not gonna, they're not writing for you. You know, they are rising from the perspective of somebody who likely has much older children who maybe had a stay at home wife, who lived in a generation where.

Equity in the home with, you know, home management and all that was not a thing. And even if they are modern, just the way that our society works and many societies such these men aren't, they're not responsible like we are. They don't have the same weights. And definitely none of, none of them are physicians, you know, so.

I had to be like, yeah, I don't, I don't think it's you. I think that yes, there's some helpful things and helpful habits in this book, but take everything with a grain of salt. And the way that I approach all of these books is I take what I need, I take what is helpful, what is insightful for me, and then I leave everything else.

Because some of these men, I was just like, I don't even know if they ever met a black person. Or what their beliefs about black people are. But you can read it on the page like you are not talking to me. Like, your reality is so far away from mine, like none of this makes sense. Like it does not apply. And instead of being completely turned off and being like, Ugh, I'm not reading that.

Which some of them I've had to. Some of them I was just like, no, absolutely not. But in general, I have been able to take what I need and just leave everything else, and it has allowed me to read and be impacted by some amazing books. Have really changed my life. The top three books that I always quote that have were the most impactful over this professional and personal development journey were written by white people, two of them by old Christian, white men, and American Christian White man, which I think is important.

So she just had this sigh of weave. She's like, oh yeah. Okay. Well. Maybe it isn't me, and because of how homogenous this coaching space can be and is, it was one of the main reasons that I created my coaching group because I have had my life changed by coaching. I have been in rooms where it's just like, is this real life?

Like the amount of wealth, the amount of growth, the expansiveness of thought has been just amazing, but it all, like I'm often the only one. It's not really a whole lot of us.

So I wanted a space where we wouldn't have to be like, eh, that doesn't really apply to me. Especially for people who are new. To this space who maybe even be a little bit skeptical to just be more comfortable that they don't have to take what they need and leave everything else. Not to the extent that I have had to in my journey.

To where I am right now, because of course everybody is different and that's the, that's the amazing thing about it. Even within the group, the connected motherhood experience, even though we have so much in common and there's so many general themes and we can relate to each other, we have shared lived experiences.

There's so much diversity in that, so it's not like if it's just a group of like same people with the echo chamber, there's enough. Differences for different people to get different perspectives and expand their mind and have that benefit that diversity brings, but without the feeling of otherness that can come with some of these other spaces and definitely these books that I have read.

So it was just. One other piece of the big reason that I created this space that is intentionally for us, like it's not an afterthought and I could even see it 'cause I sometimes would recommend some of those books written by, you know, non-black people. And I always have to give my caveat. I'm like, okay.

Some of this stuff in here is kind of weird. Just forget. Forget that . But being able to even know how certain things in certain books will land with an all black female physician audience is something unique that I bring as a black female physician that nobody else can, who is also a mother.

So it is a gift that I am giving to my group members, to my sisterhood, and it's a gift that they are giving to me of a space that I didn't have in this arena. It is one of the things that I've created that I am the most proud of. Because I know how difficult it can be to not feel seen and to feel alone.

So having this group, creating this intentional space for other black physician moms. Brings me so much joy and so much pride and to know that the issues are actually universal. 'cause like I said, I thought about all this talking to one of my white clients, right? So we, we all have the need to be seen, validated, understood, without explaining.

The uniqueness of who we are, whether it's that we are black, whether it's that our specialties, OB, GYN, or whatever makes us unique, needs to be addressed too. To give that extra feeling of, oh, this is for me. Isn't that wonderful? That's why I have this podcast. That's why I only work with physicians

that's why I only work with women like there's. The individuality needs to be honored and respected, and just that in and of itself makes the experience absolutely amazing. It takes it to a whole other level when you are seen and understood on that. Super deep level, and that can be different for each person.

And that's, it's like my specialty is, is one thing that I enjoy the most about coaching is that relational aspect that I can connect on such a very unique level with you

because it can really feel like you're the only one sometimes, and I want you to know you're not. So every physician mom, you are not alone. Every black physician, mom, you are not alone. Every OB GYN who sees even in our physician groups, people bashing ob GYNs and talking about us, they don't.

They don't get it. They will never understand what we go through. You are not alone. Right. You are not alone. I see you. I understand you, and I am here for you, and it brings me so much joy to serve you in this way. And

I want you to take advantage of everything that I have to offer. Schedule a free coaching session if you're a black physician. Mom, let's get on a connection call to talk about joining the connected motherhood experience. None of this is about exclusion. It is about seeing and addressing and caring for what makes you uniquely you in a way that nobody else can or bothers to.

Really, I am the only one. That is intentionally caring for that unique part of you, so let's talk if you are my people, if you feel any kind of connection with this podcast, when you hear me speak, when you see me on social media, let's, let's work together. I, I tell my coach all the time, I want to work with my people.

She's like, what does that mean? I'm like, my people, why don't you get it? But everything that I've talked about in this, this last half of this podcast, if you are my people, you, you'll know it. You feel that connection, right? So I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait to relate to you. I can't wait to support you and care for you and pour into you in a way that you probably haven't experienced in a long time, or maybe even ever.

But I'm telling you, it is the best feeling in the world and it is something that you deserve. So go to my website, dr toya coaching.com and schedule a call. Go to the show notes. Bios and all of my profiles. Whatever you need, I am here for you to help you feel a little more seen and a lot less alone. I will see you on the next episode of Stethoscopes and Strollers