91. The OB/GYN Who Had 5 Kids in 5 Years — Meet Dr. Candice Wood

Hey Doc!

What happens when the OB/GYN becomes a new mom and realizes everything she thought she knew about postpartum was incomplete?

In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Candice Wood, an OB-GYN, perinatal mental health specialist, and mom of five, for a conversation that is tender, hilarious, and quietly radical.

Yes, she built a 2-day-a-week career while raising five kids under five. But what we really talk about is what happened after the babies came.

When she found herself:

• silently competing with her husband’s ex-wife
• breastfeeding through gritted teeth and unspoken anxiety
• resenting a partner she had trained to be helpless
• and quietly unraveling, while still doing everything “right” on paper

This episode is about the postpartum identity crisis no one prepares you for — and the healing that happens when you finally name what’s actually going on.

We talk about:

• Why resentment is often a sign you’ve buried a need
• The trap of trying to be both the best mother and the best martyr
• How her patients helped her see her own suffering
• And what it really takes to feel like a good mom (hint: it’s not perfection)

If you’ve ever found yourself doing it all — and quietly wondering why it still doesn’t feel like enough — this one will land deep.

🎧 Listen now — and forward it to the friend who needed this yesterday.

Dr. Candice Wood has spent the last 18 years providing comprehensive wellness, gynecologic, and obstetric care for women of all ages. Over the years, Dr Wood has watched her own patients struggle to achieve wellness while lacking sufficient focus on mental health. With shortening doctor visit times, only the bare minimum can be done during a typical wellness exam, excluding the opportunity for a woman’s most trusted care provider to assess her mental health – arguably the gateway to her overall health and wellness.

Likewise, during postpartum visits, Dr. Wood found that there is no time to help young mothers struggling with mental health issues. Finding another mental health provider to care for a patient with perinatal mood disorders, infertility, or fetal loss is equally challenging.

Following her passion and determined to make a difference, Dr. Wood obtained a certification in perinatal mood disorders, psychotherapy, and pharmacotherapy, and she started the Woman Made Well clinic with one

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If you are going through a transition -- becoming a parent, leaving a job, figuring out how manage it all, schedule a strategy coaching session and get clarity and strategic next steps for the life and career you want.

Strategy Coaching Session with Dr. Toya

Transcript

Dr. Toya: [00:00:00] Hey Doc, I'm back with another wonderful guest. Her name is Dr. Candice Wood and she is an OBGyn and perinatal mental health specialist.

And she's also a mom just like you, so I'm so excited to have her here. Welcome Dr. Candice.

Dr. Candice Wood: Thank you so much for having me today. It's such an honor to be here and I can't wait to talk to you about like the most important subject on something I've de dedicated my life to.

Dr. Toya: Okay. I'm so excited and so everybody knows.

Dr. Candice and I met at ACOG this year and I had just gotten in, I was roaming around the halls and I was like, let me just go to the PSI table, the postpartum Support International, because I don't know if I told you this, but PSI was the whole reason that I even went to ACOG this year because I was not even planning to go.

And they asked me to man the table, which is what she was doing, and I was like. I don't know if I wanna do that, but maybe I should go to ACOG So, I was very [00:01:00] grateful. I was like, let me just go by and say hello and we got to talking, told her my whole life story and we really just, connected over a shared interest in perinatal mental health.

So I'm very, very happy to talk to you, especially because you are doing the thing, the thing that I thought that I was going to do before I started coaching and that you have five children, so please tell the doc that's listening a little bit more about you.

Dr. Candice Wood: I'm an OBGyn, just like you said.

I finished residency, well I guess med school 20 years ago, residency 16 years ago. And I just thought I was gonna be, uh, OBGYN, loved all of it. And then I started having children and I had 'em really quickly after I graduated from residency and one right after another. 'Cause started late and I always knew I wanted a big family.

So, I had four pregnancies, got a bonus, with the last one with twins, and my kids now are 15. [00:02:00] 13, 11 and two, busy 9-year-old girls. And if you do the math, I had, five, under five at one point, but it was really under five and a half and I was running my own little preschool. And it was crazy. And trying to figure out how to do that in a career was a very interesting experience.

And, my own postpartum experience, my patients postpartum experience is why I kind of changed my career. Pivoted and started focusing on taking care of women who were struggling in pregnancy with mental health issues. And definitely after, with mental health issues and even just the transition to motherhood, I don't really feel that you necessarily have to have a diagnosis.

But the transition to motherhood can be really hard whether you have a diagnosis or not.

Dr. Toya: Yeah. Yeah. That's why I even started any of this due to my own personal experience as well, and I'm sure many, many [00:03:00] people's personal experience. So, I just love what you're doing, but before I just, I have to ask, you knew you wanted to be an OBGyn and you also knew you wanted to have several children.

Tell me, how was that reconciled in your mind? How was that gonna work?

Dr. Candice Wood: it's so funny that you bring that up 'Cause it's totally uncanny. It's insane. And you're right because in medical school I also knew that like I always wanted to have a big family. I'm one of six and so I'm in medical school.

I'm jetting around my third year and I'm scoping everything out. And I had this phenomenal experience on neurology. This is phenomenal. Best attendings that I probably ever met, funnest rotation I ever did. And so I was like, dude, I'm gonna be a neurologist. This will be perfect. I will be a headache specialist and then I can have these kids, I could work part-time because as a headache specialist, like .

You know, you know, I could work part-time. Perfect. [00:04:00] Then, I went to school at the University of Colorado and I, the next rotation after I'd kind of firmed that all up, set my fourth year rotations in place was I was going to, a rural rotation in surgery in, Durango. And I had the best time. Me and this general surgeon hung out and did surgeries, and there was a chief resident in family medicine who was supposed to hang out with us. The attending liked me better, he chose me to do all the surgeries, and I just had so much fun inside people's bellies.

And that was when I realized, you know, you'd think that I was gonna choose to be a surgeon, but it was when I realized that I actually loved O-B-G-Y-N, but I was avoiding it because I wanted the correct lifestyle for the family I wanted. So I proceeded with it and I proceeded with it like with a lot of faith if I'm being honest, that I'd be able to figure something out.

And in that interim, the hospitalist type thing started appearing [00:05:00] and I was like, okay, I could do that if I needed to. And I could still figure out how to have a family based on that though. I still think that's difficult. Yeah. But what ended up happening, and I'm so blessed, and that's why I think it's so important to like be self-aware of what you need and put it out into the universe.

I was offered a job at my residency program and as I sat with my. Program director. My chairman actually, and he offered me the job. I said, this sounds great. I love this residency program. I love academics, but I want you to know I'm getting married in two months and I'm gonna start having kids. And once I have kids, I wanna go part-time.

And part-time to me means two days a week. And luckily for me, he valued what I had to offer. He knew how passionate I was about teaching and I also was marrying one of the interventional radiologists at the hospital. [00:06:00] And so he knew he had some power, up in the ranks to say, Hey, I need you to make this part-time work.

because otherwise you're gonna lose one of your IR guys. Right. and it worked out like a dream. I mean, it was the most amazing career that allowed me to get all the experience that I needed for when two and a half years ago, I made the change jump ship and opened my own practice focusing just on maternal mental health.

But I needed those years in the trenches with women, and with the residents who, you know, you just, you get so many different experiences when you're working in academics. I needed all those years t o allow me to pursue the career that I now have. And so yeah, OBGyn is like one of the stupidest professions to pursue when you want a big family.

But I do, feel like if, again, if you put it out there and you have a desire to make it your own, you can. Another thing [00:07:00] I'll add to that before we change is that my chairman, probably 10 years into working with the residents. Actually in one of my reviews with him sat me down and said that one of the most important things he thought I added to the residency program was the fact that I was living my truth.

And I had fought hard to find the balance. And he loved that I was showing, yes, the male residents, but especially the female residents, that they don't have to just do what's expected of them as far as you work so hard to become a doctor, you need to, you know, you should be there. This is more important than anything else.

You get to decide what's most important to yourself and then find the balance that's right for you. And that meant a lot to me, that he recognized that and, it's true. I really do think that I allowed a lot of the residents over that 16 year period to see. I can, carve my own path, and if I feel like this is [00:08:00] more important than that, I'm okay.

I'm not like turning my back on my years of education.

Dr. Toya: I have so much to say. Amazing. Okay. I'm just gonna start from the very beginning. I wanna talk more about when you said you had con, you were kind of hiding from OBGyn. Like, talk me through the internal dialogue. Like, how did you realize, because I think a lot of people do that and they don't allow themselves to see the truth or they don't listen to themselves.

So talk to me about that.

Dr. Candice Wood: So my dad's an OBGyn, so I'd seen it my whole life. So it's not like I wasn't exposed to it. And he was a very busy OBGyn. Like he had a wife that was at home taking care of us. So he, you know, lived and breathed his career. So I sighed in all of its glory of like missing birthdays, disappearing during the night, et cetera, you know, 'Cause you're one.

So, I knew it. And so [00:09:00] when I did my OBGyn rotation, I, loved it. My personality, you know, I think you've gotten a little bit of it, but like, I love joy and I love being, I love really being a part of people's lives and oh my goodness, as an OBGyn you really get to, you can even work with them as adolescents and then take them to menopause, depending how long your career is with all the life changes in between.

So I, loved every piece about it. I also feel like in OBGyn, you really have a space for education with your patients, and so I love that. So I felt that there, but I knew it was absolutely ridiculous. To think about having a career with it. So I kind of just put that block up. And like tried and I could tell I was trying so hard to find something else that would fit.

Dr. Toya: Yeah. And I think if you were going to neurology, let me tell you, were trying really hard.

Dr. Candice Wood: Yes. Right. And especially with my personality, when I tell people that who know me, they're like, are you kidding me? Yeah. But I [00:10:00] think that's the first evidence when you are trying to make a pigeonhole. Then you know that you're trying to make something work for you, which I obviously believe in doing.

But when you're making a choice about what brings you happiness and what drives you and what you're passionate about, and you're like bypassing things to make something that on the outside doesn't make you excited at all and you're trying to fit it into the mold, that's the first evidence that you're not making the right decision.

It is much wiser and easier to take something you're passionate about and make it your own rather than take something else that seems like it's gonna fit what you want and then try to make yourself passionate about it. I would've lost my mind. And I love if there's any neurologists listening, this is why we're all different.

So, but I can't handle seizures and MS like depresses me. And I would've not survived the residency. Yeah. And there's many other diagnoses that we could talk about that also I would struggle with. And it's just like women who, like [00:11:00] you guys can't understand why we would do pap smears and why, you know, we, we handle, you know, liters of blood pouring out and we're fine with it.

'Cause that's just kind of, we, see more blood than almost a trauma surgeon regularly. And so I think that's the key thing is if making sure that you're taking something you're passionate about and trying to make it your own, rather than taking something that seems like it fits the mold you want, but you're not passionate about it.

And that is exactly what I was trying to do.

Dr. Toya: Oh, that's, so amazing. I agree with every single thing you just said, and it leads me right into the next thing that I had a question about.

Or just a comment about. Was you saying that you knew what you wanted and you put it out into the universe to make it happen?

And I don't know if you've listened to the podcast at all, but you are speaking my language. I am. That is, I'm all about that. My clients know it. Everything. It's just the belief that what you want is out there. You just have to put it out. 'Cause [00:12:00] if all you are saying, all you're telling yourself and you're putting out into the universe is this can't happen.

I'm never gonna find this. That's what you're going to attract. Yeah.

So who would have believed that you would be able to find a job that was two days a week? I have never heard of such a part-time job, by the way. Not back in the day when you would've started anyway. Not that, not that that was that long ago, by the way.

No, but it was. You know, like that's a unique thing for you to have created that. And it speaks to the belief in what you want and finding what, what is right for you. And also what is possible when you have a leader that cares, that cares enough to make it work. And you are creative enough to say, you know, well this is what I want., I'm gonna make it work. I just think that is so amazing that you are able to do that.

Dr. Candice Wood: Well, and I, and I also think that one of the advantages was, is that I was doing that from the [00:13:00] place of people that really knew me. Yeah. You know, because if I showed up and I was like, Hey, I, you know, wanna work in San Francisco and I show up and say, Hey guys, I'm super awesome.

And you guys are all gonna want me, but these are my restrictions. That's gonna be really hard. Yeah, yeah. You know, but, with your residency program where like they know you. And I had worked hard to earn the fact that they would want me, you know? Yes. I didn't just skirt by and that's very important if you think you wanna do something as crazy as what I did.

You need to show 'em that they will really suffer from the loss of losing you. Yes. And they would really benefit from you, have you being there. And I think that's, I, am not perfect, but I show up to work. And it doesn't mean I make the right diagnosis every time. It doesn't mean that I don't have bad days, but I They knew that they knew.

What kind of employee they were getting. And they also knew what kind of teacher they were getting. And really that means I was gonna show up [00:14:00] and I was gonna do my best.

Again, not perfect because I'm, I'm not claiming that, far from, yeah. I mean,

Dr. Toya: nobody is. Yeah. And that's, you know, residency or the job that you're at right now, like if you know you need a change and you, you're showing up and you're, you're putting in the work, you have leverage.

Like a lot of us think that we don't have any leverage, we have no power. But you seeing patients showing up every day to work is valuable in and of itself. And if you were not there, you'd be cost them millions patients would not be getting the care. So you have leverage right now to ask for something special.

I mean, the worst I could say is no, and you'll be no better off than you are right now, so.

Dr. Candice Wood: Oh, no, exactly. Exactly. And I think like if I had not wanted to ask that, and I mean, I would've closed the door. And I think that's the most important thing is that if you're not having success or feeling like.

You're making the difference. You want to, it's scary to ask questions and it's scary to open doors, but if you [00:15:00] don't do that, you'll never know what you could have had. And I think, and what you said about having a good leader, it's really important, and I talk to a lot of the residents that I mentor and our jobs are really hard.

And if you're not working in an environment that is supportive, that is the first thing that needs to change. And I mean, you can work full-time and work 180 hours when you have a fearless leader who supports you and you won't even feel it.

Where it could be the death of you when you don't have partners or a leader who recognizes what you're doing.

And so, you know, that's why I, obviously was able to make this beautiful part-time job, but I, picked up things and I did things beyond what was in my career because I had a leader who, you know, made everybody want to be there and to create this amazing residency program and, care, and clinic that we all wanted to be a part of.

And so I think it's [00:16:00] really important as we choose to make the sacrifices we're making in this career that we do feel that support. And if not, that's the first sign. Like, I, you know, these people are great, but this isn't for me and I need to figure out something where I can be supported.

Dr. Toya: And, you know, you, you drop in so many gems.

We haven't even talked about your actual children yet. But because I think this is important, because the idea of leaving a job seems very scary to a lot of people. Even though we have that statistic, you know, when you come out of residency, you, you're probably gonna, you know, be gone from that job in three years or whatever it is.

Like, there are a lot of people who are right now in toxic situations for the only reason that they are scared to leave. They feel like they have no option. They feel trapped. They family nearby, whatever it is. But it is the thing that is gonna define the rest of your life. You spend the majority of your waking hours at this job and you never know, like what you could be leaving on the [00:17:00] table.

You could be leaving a job that you work two days a week and are able to have five children and just believing that there is something else out there and. Not even that, just believing that you are worth more than being at that place, being treated how you're being treated. So it's time to leave and that's like one of the biggest things that I help my clients with is transitioning from one job to another, because it's, it's a scary thing and it's something that unless you see it, like your, your chair said, you being that example for them was amazing because it, if you can't see it, then it's just like, well no, I cannot do this. So they were really lucky to have that example, in you. But I really wanna talk about your actual children and your, your experience.

Dr. Candice Wood: Yes, yes. Let's do that.

Dr. Toya: So you started your part-time job. [00:18:00] When did you have the first baby?

Dr. Candice Wood: So I, worked full-time for nine months, had the baby and came back. So I have never even done a full time year of work. Wow. , I haven't, 'Cause even now, I, still work part-time. So, at, so at nine months, I came back from the maternity leave after three months and worked the two days a week.

Mm-hmm. But yeah, I had her nine approximately, I guess it was a little over nine months after I, graduated from residency, but nine months after I started the job pretty much.

Dr. Toya: Gotcha. And how was your fertility, pregnancy, delivery, postpartum, how was all of that?

Dr. Candice Wood: I was very lucky as far as fertility goes, and I count that as a, great blessing, great, great blessing.

got pregnant pretty quickly within two to three months. And my pregnancy, I'm almost 5'10". I was, didn't really struggle with discomforts. And that's hard for me to [00:19:00] say. Most of my patients. I'll say it here, but I don't usually talk about those. Yeah, my patients like pregnancy was quite easy for me as far as, comfort.

I didn't have much nausea, so the pregnancy was kind of a dream. Hence why I had so many, so close because it was doable for me. It wasn't, it wasn't this thing where I had to like prep myself and think I can do this because I want a kid. Like so many of our patients, and maybe you had to do with horrible morning sickness and discomfort in the pelvis.

I was very blessed. Delivery, 39 and one, slow leak. That I wasn't sure was really leaking. Called up triage and said, Hey, you guys promise you won't make fun of me if I come in and I'm not ruptured. Told me I wasn't ruptured as I felt trickling still there. I said, please check me again.

They're like, oh yeah, you are ruptured. But I was one centimeter, basically had a prime induction and was scared about that for sure. Having seen so [00:20:00] many inductions on, you know, it's so funny 'Cause the arrived trial wasn't out then. Yeah. And so I, was believing that I had bigger risk for C-section, etc, and I had a, very lovely delivery.

I think I went in at nine, no, probably seven, and then I delivered at 3:30 in the morning. So delivery pregnancy really went by very nicely. It was when I met postpartumum and none of my experience is horrible. I was very blessed. I did not get, you know, any diagnosable, postpartum issue, but the transition was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

And I felt as maybe you did that it was gonna be different because I'd done it for so many women and I was, you know, I, like, knew this, this is my career. I'd done two weeks with a lactation specialist. Breastfeeding was gonna be easy. And I really struggled. Breastfeeding was like a nightmare.

The pain, [00:21:00] the, the anxiety. I'm not an anxiety prone person. I'm not. But I was so stressed about what she was getting, was I doing it right? I didn't have a mom that breastfed, she kept saying, oh, you should just give the bottle, but I didn't want to. Then, you know, once you get through that hurdle, you're not sleeping.

My daughter would not sleep. And even my friend who had three kids ahead of me, who was my closest friend would come and she, she would, we would have to work so hard to settle my daughter. Then we find out she's got acid reflux and that's why she was screaming after feeding, even though it had been fine before, wouldn't take naps, wouldn't go to bed.

It was just all those hurdles. And my husband is literally amazing. But during those years, he'd already had a kid. And his son was nine years old then. And he would just come in and say, well, we didn't breastfeed. Trent slept like a charm. You just need to do [00:22:00] this. We just need to, and and he wasn't saying that as, as callously as I am right now, but that's how it felt.

You know? Of course, of course. That's how it felt to you. And I, felt comparison to, his ex, wife must have done this better than me, and which just darkened my experience and made me question myself so much. And it was, and, then once you got through some of those hurdles, it was just so lonely.

And my husband and I worked at the same hospital. We drove into work together every day. And then all of a sudden he's leaving me with this child that won't take naps and every day I'm gonna try to figure her out. And every nap I fail. , And so it was a huge. Transition full of eye-opening experiences that I then thought were just mine.

And then it was when I went back to work and I started throwing little like fishing lines out to my postpartum patients and they [00:23:00] would bite and we would have these conversations and we would connect that I realized this is like this for everybody and there's just degrees of worse or milder, but all of us have this and hence many years later, this is, you know, where I found myself so passionate about, you know, definitely aiding in the diagnosable issues, but also making sure all of my moms that I get to work with end up getting to have the experience that they wanted to have. Why they chose, many of them chose, but why during the pregnancy what they ended up wanting to have happen. As a mom I am so passionate about making sure that that gets to happen and giving them the tools and a lot of that is just recognizing what they're going through is totally normal.

Dr. Toya: That is normal. And it's not just them.

Dr. Candice Wood: Yeah, exactly.

Dr. Toya: Yeah. So, I, just wanna go back to your [00:24:00] husband. This, and this is not a husband bashing podcast. I say that all the time. That's not, that's not the space that I'm in. But it is a unique thing, especially when, you know, we can kind of guess the dynamic.

When his son was young. If, those are the types of things that he thought were okay, and I'm sure they came from a sweet place. It was more like, oh, well you know, this, my son slept. Like, I don't know what's going on. You know, like, how did y'all work through that?

Dr. Candice Wood: I would have to say I didn't work through it well at the time at all.

and, that's again why I am so passionate about what I do, because I can help people heal so much faster and, fix problems in an instant rather than let them fester like I did. To be honest with you, I feel like those things were harbored and continued until I finally had my twins. And that's how many years later? Five, [00:25:00] six years later. And so, 'Cause my personality, and I'm speaking to a bunch of doctors in the audience, we are really high achievers. We set goals and we meet them. And so when I had a child that was the same thing. Like, I wanna be a good mom and I'm gonna do it and I wanna be a good wife, so I'm gonna do it.

And I'm getting this feedback from him that I'm stinking it up. Okay. I will fix it. And so what I did is I persevered and I continued and I didn't ask for help. I tried to avoid support, I tried to solve all the problems. And and I did, I did a pretty good job. Yeah. At my expense, 100%. But when I, still, I will never forget the first C-section that I went back for.

And it happened later in the evening. I think I had 30 text messages. I don't know how many calls from my husband. Very upset because I had. Taken over [00:26:00] everything, tried to make his life perfect and he had no idea how to care for our very specially cared for, first child. And, but that's what I continued to do with each of the children.

I continued to take care of everything. And it wasn't until the twins came that, I hit a wall where I couldn't. And I actually had to start facing the conversations about the fact that I trained my husband, who had made me feel inept to be inept himself. Because I took over everything. And then once I had twins and three other kids, I could not do it.

I will not even, I'll never forget the second night with the twins when both of them were crying in the middle of the night and we're still at the hospital and my husband is awakened and he's like, what is wrong with these babies? And I was like, this is how they always were. But when it was one, I just took care of it and let you sleep because, you know, he was working a full-time job.

12 hour days. I, was part-time [00:27:00] and I always took care of everything. And it was a, it was a big mess because those feelings had festered for lots of years and there was lots of, what's the right word? Yes, thank you. I was, I was kept coming up with regret and that's not, it was a lot of resentment built up with him. But I had trained him like, yes, I'm not saying that he couldn't have done something different, but I trained him to just be, just to show up and everything was gonna be taken care of.

And, and that all came from that feeling of doing things so wrong at that very beginning. And so, what do I wish I had done? What do I tell my patients? I tell every patient that I get to see that, you know,

at this time before or just after that, during this transition, our relationship goes through transitions too, and what we need is different. Before we had kids, we needed to be loved in a certain way that each of us have uniquely, but after our roles change. And so our needs in the [00:28:00] relationship change and during that time postpartum when we're sleep deprived, when the learning curve is so big, it is such a hard time to not have problems in our relationship.

So it's just heightened and, but it's because we, have needs that are changing, but we're figuring those out. And so I counsel my patients when they feel like their partner is, not helping or is rubbing them a wrong way or is saying something unkind. I challenge them to say something right then and say, Hey, when you told me that I to use this blanket, were you doing that because you think I'm doing the wrong thing?

Because again, that's how I had felt when he would suggest anything, it was because he knew better from his prior experience. But I never asked him when the real answer most of the time is. I'm just so desperate to help you, right? Because you're a nursing mom. I can't feed the baby and I, like, am sitting over here like my wife is going through so much and I'm like, you know, I guess I'll try to do a dish or something.

A nd then vice versa. I [00:29:00] encourage the husbands to say that. And I really encourage all my moms to make sure their partners are just as good at taking care of the baby as they are. Hand it over. Let 'em flounder, let 'em figure out things their own way. Do not save them. We all get to cry uncle and say, I,'m out.

And tag out. Yeah. But, but it's really important for each of us to put in the time to figure out how to take care of our kids. And I didn't do that and I made the first five years of being a mom real. And I don't wanna get emotional about it, but I made it so hard for myself. 'Cause I literally, like my husband couldn't survive when I wasn't there.

I mean, he could, but it was always so miserable. And I came home and he was so unhappy, so I just, I stopped doing things. Yeah. Wow. You stopped doing things complete. Tell me, what do you mean? I went to work because that's when I had somebody who was ready and apt with the kids. And once I had the [00:30:00] twins, we got a great life-saving nanny.

And that's a whole nother story.

Dr. Toya: Wait, only once you had the twins, you got a nanny. So what was happening before?

Dr. Candice Wood: Because I was home those three days and I,, I had great friends. I had a labor and delivery nurse for one of the years. And then I had a great friend at my church group who had a daughter about the age of my daughter, and she would watch the kids.

And then, and then, but once I had the twins, and this was because, two weeks before I had the twins, I was looking at baby carriers and there's a baby carrier that holds one in the front and one in the back. And I showed my mom, my mom had six kids and her fourth and fifth were twins just like me.

And I'm showing my mom 'cause she's with me. And I said, mom, do you think I should get this? And she looks at me and she says, sweetie, you're never leaving the house alone. And I remember like, figuring out something to say and then walking out of the room and bawling. And [00:31:00] then I got angry and then I called my husband and I said, Dave.

I, love this family, but we're doing it different. 'Cause I'm not gonna do what my mom did. My mom was an amazing mom, but she, she did not enjoy it because she didn't figure out what she needed. And that's another thing I preach all the time. You need to be self-aware of what you need. And I wanted to be their mom, their most important person, but I needed help and I didn't need to be the best laundry doer.

I did not to be, need to be the best housekeeper at this time. And so I got full-time help even though I only worked two days a week. But when I was home, I was mom. And she did laundry and she cleaned the bathrooms. And when, I wanted to take the kids to the park and the twins were napping, I had somebody there so I could do those things still for my kids.

Which, you know, like when my mom looks at what I did, she's like, oh man, that was a lot smarter [00:32:00] because I was aware of what my needs were and, but I wouldn't have fallen upon that had she not-- Slapped two with reality. Yes. And had she not, and I think that's what's so important is you can't expect a different outcome unless you do something different.

Dr. Toya: Yeah. Oh my gosh. And you can't, hold on, hold on. There's just like so much. I want to go all the way back. This is just an FYI: She has her own podcast, so you can get all of this amazing information, all this inspiration, all of this on her podcast, which you're gonna talk about at the end. You trained your husband and this is something that it is difficult to tiptoe into when you're talking to strangers.

So I'm glad that you are telling it from your story. So many of us train our husbands to be incompetent and then complain about them being incompetent. And it [00:33:00] is one of those things where we really need to take a step back and take ownership and acceptance. Like even if he wanted to try, say he really is a douche.

What? Let's pretend. Even if tomorrow he woke up and said, you know what? I'm not gonna be a douche anymore. I'm ready to help. Would you let him?

Dr. Candice Wood: Yeah. That's, that's a huge question that a significant percent of my patients won't.

Dr. Toya: Exactly. And physician moms high achieving perfectionist. Will you let him, will you accept what he does?

Will you micromanage and nag? And so much so that he's like, you know what, I'm, not even gonna bother. Right. So as you said, as well, they have work to do on their own. We also have work to do when it comes to the dynamic that is set up and the like, how we are feeling that level of burnout that, that we feel.

You said it so [00:34:00] perfectly, you, you trained him and something else that you said that was perfect this idea that if you don't work full-time, that you cannot have help. And I'm so glad that you said that and recognize that in your own journey, because being a mother is a full-time job.

So even if you are out of the home for only two days, quote unquote, yeah. You still need help you also have five children. So you needed help anyway. But to be able to recognize that, yes, I, still need support. You know, that's how I show up and be mom and not be housekeeper and not do all of this extra stuff.

Because what is actually important to me? What do I, wanna be a good mom. And a good mom is present for her children. She's not. Screaming at them while she cleans the toilet, or, you know, [00:35:00] they're in front of a screen. I'm not against screen time, fyi, but they are off, you know, doing things that you don't really want them to do because you're so burnt out from cooking and doing all the things.

So even part-time recognizing that help was, important. And the last thing I just, I'm repeating everything that you said that was amazing, just in case anybody missed it. The biggest one is being self-aware about what you need. Because coming back to the husbands, if you don't even know what you need, how can you expect him?

Like even if he, like I said, he woke up and says, I'm not a douche today. He doesn't know what you need. 'Cause you don't even know. So you have to be aware. And how, how did you become aware of what you needed?

Dr. Candice Wood: Well, you know, with my patients now, I really, you know, I'm really trying to get ahead on the preventative side, and that's kind of my main shtick now that I'm working on.

But that didn't happen for me, [00:36:00] obviously.

So I'm, thick in the trenches and, you know, I think I'm aware of what I want. I think I, want this beautiful family. He's given me that. But I wasn't aware of my needs and, so I figured it out in like retrospect and by accident, which we, you know, so now I've worked with patients to try to do that.

One of the biggest way we can figure out what our needs is when we feel the most resentment or we're annoyed with our partner, that is a point when you feel it to say, stop. What are they doing? And what do I wish they were doing? And one of my best examples, and, this is how you figure out what you need, was my husband would call on his way home and say, Hey Candice, I'm on my way home.

I'm only gone for nine and a half hours and you've been home with five kids. I'm on my way home and. What can I pick up at the grocery store? What do you need? Send me a list. And I would get off the phone, I'd be super annoyed. I'd send him the stupid list and I'd know he was gonna be gone for another [00:37:00] hour because he doesn't know where anything is.

And he wouldn't end up getting it all because he will not ask questions. And even if he was listening, he'd laugh. 'Cause it's true. And that would drive me so nuts. And what if I had been a big girl at that point? And if I had been able to ask for what I needed when I had a husband who was legit trying to help me, I would've said, Hey, sweets, come home.

I want to go to the grocery store. Because what I needed was, I needed a hot second for myself in the grocery store at that time when Instacart didn't exist. And right pickup didn't exist was we had to get stuff and that wasn't an option then. And so that was a moment to myself and, a moment that I might've enjoyed.

So one thing I challenge people to do is think about when you feel the most resentment, what are they doing? And you have to be able to supply the alternative. If you don't know what you'd rather have them do, then you're up a creek and you better just deal with it. Another thing that I realized too is that one day my husband [00:38:00] came home at, or maybe when he was home, I don't remember the exact circumstance, but he told me how grateful he was that I was the mother of his children and what an amazing mom I was.

And I will never forget how that like washed over me like a warm blanket. And for the next month. All the things that he did that had driven me nuts 30 seconds before he said that they did not change. But I didn't care because my need was met. And that's when I realized that one of my top three needs was knowing that I was a good mom.

I was working so hard to do all the things, but there was no proof. And this is another thing we as physicians struggle with so much because we get a lot of feedback. You know, in, in school we got feedback with grades in, in rotations, we got feedback with, you know, reviews. And then with our patients we get feedback instantaneously.

Oh my goodness. Thank you so much for listening. Oh my goodness. That [00:39:00] worked. Oh, you made me so much better. I'm so glad you're, you were there. I'm so lucky to have you as my doctor, but as a mom. My little sweet. You get crying. Yeah. You get she, she like, she didn't gimme positive feedback until like a year ago when she wrote me a sweet note for her birthday.

She's, remember she's 15 now. So how many years do we endure? You know, all this effort when there's chaos, and again, we all know that there's moments of like beauty in it all. But it's not feedback we're used to where I put A in and I get B. I get A in and B out. Instead it's like I put A, B, C, D, nothing's coming out.

Nothing's coming out. And that's really hard for people who are high achievers to deal with. And so when I got to have my husband, the, the biggest observer of me as a mom say that, and that's when finally the fact that he had been married to somebody else and had observed another mom, even that finally was a positive.

'Cause when he said that, it meant more to me. [00:40:00] And I knew that that was another thing that I needed. And a lot of moms do need that if they value that role as mom, just as much as they value that role as doctor, wife, friend. I need that feedback. And that may be you have to be self-aware of that and you need to ask for it.

And it doesn't mean, you know, tell me I'm a good mom, even if I'm, if I'm not. But it means like, pick up on the things I'm doing right and please let me know. And then if there are things that aren't going well, let's talk about that. , You know, finding out the, the point of resentment and then turning it is one thing, and then realizing the emotional needs that you may have now that you're a mom is another really important thing to help.

And the other thing that I learned about this too, I learned from a few patients, and hopefully you've never had any like this, but you probably have. But I had a sweet mom who I delivered and she had fevers postpartum for two weeks. And I was pregnant term with the twins during this whole two week period trying to get [00:41:00] her out healthy.

She --love her. She's still a patient of mine to this day. She has neither parent of hers alive. Her husband has no parents alive either, and his wife is now in the hospital. The baby is discharged and I'm fighting to figure out what's wrong with her. But what I realized from the experience, we figured it out.

She's fine again, she's still my patient to this day, and her child's like 12 now. But she and her husband had this amazing transition to being parents because the dad had to figure it out. He was the sole provider for that baby with a sick wife. I mean, I feel so bad for him for weeks.

And it was from that I realized, like guys can do this. And they, they have the aptitude, if we allow them to take on that role. And and I have gotten to see because, and I have a few patients who had like circumstances due to an appendicitis, postpartum and those type of things where you see that [00:42:00] that relationship that those moms not by choice allowed to happen but allowed to happen, changes that relationship with that child to their other parent forever. Instead of where my husband was like, I don't do this one and a half year old. They don't get me and they only like you. So his relationship with, I mean my husband's relationship with our kids is a phenomenal now, but it started at like. Two to three to become that way.

Instead of from the get go. And so that's another, you know, those patients taught me that, that it can happen and that it is us. Whether it's because we wanna be supermom, which was mine. Or whether, because we just don't trust them. Which is the most common, I would say. We handicap our own success, as women 'c ause we give away so much.

But also we change the dynamic of the family potentially and the, the security and the thickness of that [00:43:00] foundation that we can create when both parents are equal to the task and just as involved, again, we're different. That's what's so beautiful about it. Dad is gonna do things different. And he's gonna comfort differently.

Mom is too. But when we combine together and we're both there equally yoked and equally skilled, it's phenomenal what can happen. And it's phenomenal the freedom that that can bring for you to feel like it's okay for me to go do my book club because I won't come back and find an angry husband and kids distraught.

Like I can, still be me in my other things that I love too. I have that freedom now.

Dr. Toya: I, have nothing else to say. It's just you said it all. There is literally nothing else to say as you're talking. I'm like, I have a client who went through that and I know somebody who went through that.

This [00:44:00] is, this is something that is not talked about enough. And I'm always glad, you know, I speak very confidently. I always have, but the fact of matter is my children are five and two. So I could see some people being like, you know, uh, you dunno what you're talking about. But then I speak to veterans in the game like yourself and I'm like, see these things that I'm seeing, these are all true.

I,'ll just tell this very quick story that is so akin. I, had a client who had to do something and she let her, let she, her husband took the children to a sporting event. He was so excited. The child, like scored a goal. And it was amazing. He took them and the entire team out for ice cream afterwards, and she was like, I would've never done that.

And he was so happy to be [00:45:00] there and to support his children that he changed his call schedule so that he will not miss the next game. And she was like, before you could never get him to change his call schedule. And it was all because she allowed him. And then what I told her, I was like, you allowed him to be great, like to step up and to form his own memories, to do his own thing.

And you said it yourself, you, you weren't doing that. They were going straight home after that game. Right? So those were memories that they were allowed to make. And he was allowed to have that experience and realize, oh wow, this is something that I truly value. Now I am going to change around everything to make sure it happens more.

And you could argue that, well, he should have done that before and. Do you wanna be happy or do you wanna be right? You know? Yeah, a hundred percent. So you being absent is a gift not only to you, it is a gift to your husband, is a gift to your children and your entire family unit together. [00:46:00] And it's something that we need to embrace more because you know, when I say go have some alone time, it seems like when you have this idea of what a good mom is and your dynamic and your values, it seems like something that I'm not interested in that like I actually like my kids or whatever else people may say.

But this is about so much more than that and I just, I know I said I wasn't gonna say much else, but I just had to reinforce that because it is so important what you're talking about.

Dr. Candice Wood: Well, no, it is, and I mean, everything is about a balance. And I don't even know which podcast I said it in, but one of my patients made me a plaque with a quote from my podcast, and it was the sweetest thing and love her.

But I said, moms who dream raise kids who dream. And so if you consign yourself to like a good mom is just there every second of every day, meeting every need. That isn't a bad mom if that's your prerogative. But when we allow ourselves to [00:47:00] dream and continue to develop as a human with the balance of also making sure the kids that we chose to bring into the world are cared for and have that strong foundation, we raise kids with passion.

We raise kids who see, oh my goodness, my mom. I never felt abandoned, but also my mom, like she's totally awesome and she chooses me. One interesting story, real short, I made the change two and a half years ago to focus my career on this, and in doing so, I stopped taking private OB patients and delivering babies because thought this is what I'm passionate about.

And also I've got five kids in 80 activities and it's really hard not to miss things. This is my choice. This is what I wanna do right now. And I made it. It was very sad. Patients very upset with me. And it was a very hard transition for me. And I will never forget when my 9-year-old daughter at that time when I sat down and told them, and she says to [00:48:00] me, you mean you're not gonna deliver babies anymore?

And she's distraught. And like, again, it was just like that conversation with my mom, I had to say something before I could get outta the room for the tears to just fall. Because I,'m doing this for you. Like, can't you see? And thank heavens I didn't say that to her. . because we don't wanna put our emotions on our children.

Right. Good job. I had to get out of there and I just cried and I was like, this has been such a sacrifice and I'm doing it for her. And now she's disappointed in me. And you know, when you put it out there, I ended up, the practice where I own my practice, they, they want me to deliver their babies once every six weeks.

Yeah. Rather than pay rent. So I end up still delivering babies. But the moral of the story is,

Dr. Toya: wait, pause, hold on, hold on. I just want you to say that part again. Real slow

Dr. Candice Wood: when you put it up,

Dr. Toya: are you not paying? Are you not paying rent?

Dr. Candice Wood: I know we shouldn't broadcast this too much, but No, they didn't want rent.

They wanted my time. And [00:49:00] so I deliver babies for my office space.

Dr. Toya: I just, the value that we bring as physicians, whatever your skill is, and also. Be creative. Like you never know what somebody will say yes to. You don't know what they need. I just, I just can't even, okay, go ahead. Sorry.

Dr. Candice Wood: I know, right. and, because of that, it's opened options for me to be more creative because I don't have somebody breathing down my neck to pay a bill.

, But what that taught me was that my daughter was really proud of something that I was doing because I would come home passionate and excited about it. My kids always guess. I tell 'em the ethnicity of the patient I delivered. I tell 'em if it's a boy or a girl and then they all try to guess the name and whoever gets it, if they ever do, which is very rare, I think it's happened once.

They get, I take them out to lunch and so my kids love this and that's one of the things that taught me like. One way I can be a [00:50:00] really good mom is being awesome. Like, don't go do things that you hate and leave your kids, but if you're passionate about something and you come home more full to bless their lives, you're blessing their lives.

And you're helping them desire to open doors for themselves in the future 'Cause they're seeing you do it and they're seeing you happy. And it was, but I would've never thought that, I would've thought they would've been, hallelujah. Mom's gonna be at all my performances. She'll never miss anything again.

This is so much better. But instead it was the opposite. And again, if I delivered babies every day and was always gone, that wouldn't have been the case. But it had never been that much. And so, it's all about the balance. All about being self-aware. When we fill our needs, we have so much ability to fill our families, and a career can do that, but it has to be carefully manicured, especially in our [00:51:00] arena, to be able to not suck the life out of us.

And, you know, I have been very blessed, very blessed to make my job almost my whole career, to manufacture it in a way that it filled my bucket. I was able to come home and spill that over my family. I never had to get my confidence from my husband or my kids. 'Cause my patients gave it to me. They made me feel like I was a good person and so I could come home and even if my kids were crying that day, still feel okay about myself.

But it was a, it's a tricky balance. And so any woman out there who's not feeling that, I urge you, like you, your job, I say this to patients all the time, your work has to work for you.

There should be social connections that are positive. You should come home feeling awesome every day.

And again, it's not every day, but you should more than, more than most. Feel like I'm good at what I [00:52:00] do and I'm awesome. And yes, you should get the money to keep the roof over your head. But if work is not working for you, especially with somebody with our education, it's not okay. Like it isn't okay and we need to start making some changes because you only get one life. You only get one time with your kids in your home full time. And work needs to work for you. It needs to be filling your bucket, like I said, so you can just spill it over on these kids. They, they'll be so, oh my goodness, my mom is so cool.

She's this ER physician and she does all these cool things rather than like, I don't even have a relationship with my mom. She hates her job so much. She doesn't even like to talk about it, but she still is there at 100 hours a week. And so that would be my words of wisdom. If, work isn't working for you, we gotta make a change.

'Cause you have too much education, too much, too much power, too many skills, to, ever let that suck out your joy. And [00:53:00] especially keep that from the kids that you've brought into this, this world that deserve, you know, to, dream and grow just like their mom did in the past. It needs to come back and be present

Dr. Toya: Now I really have nothing else to say. This has been absolutely amazing. Please tell the Doc that's listening where she can find you, your podcast, your practice. Tell them everything.

Dr. Candice Wood: So my podcast is Woman Made Well, and that's also my clinic's name and I'm here in Phoenix, Arizona and I am applying for a few more licenses.

So I'll keep you posted on that. But the podcast, like I said, is Woman Made Well,. We're covering all sorts of topics just about, mental health and pregnancy, postpartum, really how to thrive during motherhood using science, but also vast experience. I've had a slight hiatus due to a flood in my house.

Oh my. And we're getting right back, to podcasting [00:54:00] very soon. 'Cause everything's almost back together. I almost will have a kitchen again. It's been five months. It's been very hard. It's only been about a month without a sink. But, but it's been rough and so I'll be back. But there's, there's lots of podcasts from, from the past there, but we'll be back broadcasting and I think we're gonna be lucky to be having you on sometime. I, had to wait asking until I knew I was up and running, so.

Dr. Toya: Right, right. Yeah. The flood is a pretty big deal, so Yeah. It's been definitely, I cannot wait. I cannot wait to be on your podcast. This has been amazing, and to think all I did was follow my feet to the PSI table and there you were, and now you are blessing my listeners with your amazing story and your advice and all of it.

I am very, very glad that we got to do this and we navigated our technical difficulties that You know, we, we made it work.

Dr. Candice Wood: Yes, [00:55:00] we persevered, man.

Dr. Toya: No, so, I mean, I can't imagine that there's more, but is there anything else that you want to leave the doc that's listening with?

Dr. Candice Wood: I think just do not accept not being okay.

Remember what got you into med school? Like that didn't, just like, that was not handed to you on a silver platter. I know that not for anybody. And so, you have to use that same fight that got you in that door of that school and then into that residency to, know that you deserve better.

And the thing is, that when you find that magic spot, the type of provider that you end up becoming. There's just no words for it. When you're not in the right spot, patients suffer. You suffer. Your family suffers. And so dig down deep. I know it's been a few years from when you were that person, but you fought to get where you are.

Don't give up now that you're there. Fight to get the job. You know, we all think like, once we get our first job, like that's finally the time where we're not [00:56:00] just like fighting to like prove ourselves. It's true. So respect the education and all that you've done and all that. You carry the skills, the knowledge, and get the job that you need.

And also, it's really important to know that if there's a, job that you don't get and a connection you don't make with those employers, you wouldn't wanna be there anyway. You wouldn't wanna be there anyway. So keep looking and, yes. I know sometimes there's bills that have to get paid, and so it's not as simple as that.

But don't give up. Keep looking while you're, you know, treading water. Don't, just don't, you know, don't fully unpack. Don't set up a camp and start building an official foundation. You can just, you know, just stay there for a time.

Dr. Toya: Yeah. And you could create something of your own.

Dr. Candice Wood: Which is obviously what I've done.

Dr. Toya: Yeah. You can definitely create your own. Dr. Candice, this was amazing.

Dr. Candice Wood: Yes, thank you. Oh, I've enjoyed it so much. It's, I've been looking forward to it, but it [00:57:00] was, it was more fun than I ever expected. Yay.

So, thank you.

Dr. Toya: Alright doc. This episode was amazing.

You know it. I know it. So let Apple podcasts know it and write us a five star review and tell us how amazing this podcast was. And if you're not on Apple Podcast, leave a five star raising everywhere else. Share the episode with another physician mom, who needs to hear all of these amazing pieces of advice from Dr.

Candice and I will see you on the next episode of Stethoscopes and Strollers. Bye. Bye.